8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s07e03 Episode Script

1 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Jon Richardson, Sean Lock, Sara Pascoe, Miles Jupp, Sam Simmons, Susie Dent, and Rachel Riley.
Now, welcome your host, JimmyCarr! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, "jumbo", meaning "huge", comes from the name of an African elephant, and can also be used to refer to sausages, jets, and your mum.
LAUGHTER A "poop deck" is a small deck on a ship.
And not, as I thought, the sort of folding chair your nan sits on in the garden.
LAUGHTER And the phrases "the bee's knees" and "the cat's whiskers" both come from the 1920s, when animal body-part sayings were popular.
Well, slap me in the face with a donkey's cock, I didn't know that.
LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
APPLAUSE OK.
Let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
It means means a lot.
LAUGHTER I'm not saying Sean is tough to live with, but last year his family won a Pride of Britain Award.
LAUGHTER And joining Sean tonight, it's Miles Jupp.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - I don't think they've given you enough, Miles.
- Oh LAUGHTER AND MORE APPLAUSE That's right.
That is very, very classy of you, Sean.
Well done.
Are you going to do that for me, when it's my turn for a clap, Jon? - I'll do something similar, yeah.
- LAUGHTER Um, Miles has recently replaced Sandi Toksvig as the host of Radio Four's The News Quiz.
Which isn't easy, those are some small flat shoes to fill.
LAUGHTER Up against them this evening, it's Jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE When he was younger, Jon didn't want to be a comedian.
Congratulations.
LAUGHTER And Jon's team-mate, Sara Pascoe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE JON SQUEALS: Whoo! I wanted Sara to feel as welcome as Miles.
Was that as high? Did you know it was going to be that high pitch? Oh, I can go higher, mate.
LAUGHTER You're listening to a man who's got a Communards album.
LAUGHTER - OK! What is The Communards? - Oh, my God.
LAUGHTER This is Breadline Britain LAUGHTER I had a suspicion you didn't have testicles.
LAUGHTER OK.
In 2015, Sara's Wikipedia page incorrectly stated she'd married Jon Richardson.
Sara realised the mistake when she woke up that morning to a huge pile of sympathy cards on her doormat.
LAUGHTER I think there would've been lots of very jealous young women.
Quite often, people wait for me after a show.
I'll be really flattered, and they'll go, "Sorry, I'm sure you get this all the time.
What is Jon Richardson really like?" And the answer is? Nice.
LAUGHTER Quite nice.
If you can't afford a cleaner, the next best thing is, marry Jon.
LAUGHTER Is your wife messy? She's as clean as most people, which is grossly insufficient.
LAUGHTER We're sticking with it, and we'll just We'll get two dishwashers and we'll load one her way, and we'll load one properly.
LAUGHTER Things are going great by the sounds of it! OK.
Sara, when you were last on the show, you got a nine-letter word, and you celebrated by running around manically.
What have you got planned this evening? I really want to get another nine letter word, and I'll tell you why.
I was accused of cheating on a public forum called Twitter.
Because my previous appearances on Countdown had been so poor, to suddenly get a nine-letter word, they thought Sean Lock had helped me.
LAUGHTER And I had to explain that he was nothing That, for me, is a conspiracy theory too far.
So I really want to get nine letters.
And then to celebrate, I want to do something physical, to up what I did last time.
So I was thinking I might do, like, a lap of honour around the studio with Jon having a piggy back.
- Would you be carrying - Carrying Jon.
- You'd carry Jon? - Yeah.
Well, that's the sensible way to do it, cos he's tiny.
LAUGHTER - I verify it was a genuine nine-letter word.
- Yeah, it was.
It was very impressive.
- Well, thank you for that verification.
- Thanks.
LAUGHTER It was.
It's so impressive when you see someone do that.
People should just watch it back and see how genuinely pissed off I was.
LAUGHTER - Because you got the same word as me, didn't you? - Yeah.
So you didn't feel even happier that your friend had also LAUGHTER If I was the kind of person who wanted my friends to be successful, I would have some.
LAUGHTER OK, Jon, you recently went on holiday to America.
What was the best thing about your trip? Er, Death Valley.
LAUGHTER Nobody for miles, and no conditions for there to be people.
So you don't even think, "God, what if someone" No-one can get there, because it's too hot, they'd die.
How did you get there? Vroom-vroom car.
LAUGHTER Were you there with your wife? Yeah, what with it being our honeymoon, I thought I'd bring her along.
LAUGHTER - You're all heart! - I know.
I did see a sea otter, which I liked.
They swim on their back and use their bellies as a little plate while they have their tea.
So I bought a T-shirt with a sea otter on it and when I wore it someone said sea otters rape seals to death.
LAUGHTER And if I'm honest, it's taken the gloss off the T-shirt now.
LAUGHTER Yeah, but, you know, seals, you know, the way they carry on lying around on those rocks.
LAUGHTER Controversially, Sean has interjected here, suggesting seals are asking for it.
LAUGHTER OK, Sean, here's a question for you.
If aliens made contact with you, what would be the first thing you'd tell them? Er, well, firstly, "Look what you've done to my wheat field.
" LAUGHTER "You ruined it.
You've ruined it.
" LAUGHTER And I would tell them the truth, I'd say, 24-hour drinking's a myth.
LAUGHTER And also, I'd also say, "Why me? "Why not some I mean, my job, I'm known for bullshitting, "making stuff up.
Why come and visit me? "Go and see Huw Edwards, "or someone who needs the publicity.
"I don't know like Gazza.
" LAUGHTER - OK.
Miles, you've been on Sean's team before.
- Yeah.
How does he motivate you before you start? Well, the thing about Sean is, sometimes you do have to motivate yourself.
The reason is because No-one talks about it publically.
But Sean is, I mean, wildly temperamental.
- LAUGHTER - Very inconsistent person.
- So, you never know what sort of Sean's going - Oh, thanks.
No, I mean this sort of nicely.
You just don't know what state Sean is going to be when he tries to take your dressing room door off the hinges.
I don't like people masturbating before the show.
LAUGHTER I think I've got as a right As team captain, I've got a right to put a stop to that kind of behaviour.
You could've put it on a note and pushed it under the door, Sean.
There was no need for you to get involved in that way.
LAUGHTER OK, Miles, did you bring a mascot with you today? Er, yes, here it is.
Erm This is my mascot.
It's the remote for our television at home, in the sitting room.
It's a very normal television, it can't do anything fancy.
I don't have satellite or anything, don't have cable.
But it makes me very happy, the sight of this.
Not least because, well, I suppose, it's just the satisfaction of knowing that at home the rest of my family are looking for it.
LAUGHTER OK.
Sean, have you got a mascot? Yes, I do, Jimmy.
All right.
Well, I don't.
Obviously, I don't do mascots any more.
I just come in with something I'm working on.
I'm currently working on a series of self-help books.
LAUGHTER I saw just how much ka-ching Paul McKenna was making - with self-help books.
- Oh, yeah? - I've come up with a few self-help books.
Fabulous.
Well, let's hear a couple.
The first one, it's Sean's Easy Way To Start Smoking.
LAUGHTER From Nothin' To Puffin' In Ten Days.
LAUGHTER So, if you were thinking about you want to start smoking, this book will help you get going.
LAUGHTER Once you've got the knack of it, you've got a hobby for life.
LAUGHTER And, er, there's there's various chapters in it.
There's, for example, here.
There is "Why Am I Smoking?" You know, the sort of thing you'd ask, and it goes, "Well, you get to own your own cigarette lighter.
" LAUGHTER "You'll be instantly popular in prison.
" LAUGHTER "You get to know your newsagent, and doctor!" LAUGHTER Chapter Two though, this is really where we kick in with perseverance.
"Keep going, you're not a quitter.
Remember, you're not a quitter.
"If you don't like the taste, try another brand.
" LAUGHTER "If you run out of cigarettes, "go to a smoking shelter outside of hospital.
"Passive smoking requires very little effort "and you'll always be made welcome.
" LAUGHTER I think what clinches the deal though is the health benefits.
"Just three cigarettes provide 75% of your recommended daily allowance "of cyanide and arsenic.
" LAUGHTER It's also available as an audio book read by Dot Cotton.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Jon, have you got a mascot? Er, well, it's a launch, really.
It's a launch for a new, er, month.
Obviously, we've got, like, Stoptober.
Which, obviously, will be Start-tober, once Sean's book comes out.
Erm LAUGHTER - Um, there's, like, Movember.
- SEAN: Beginuary.
Beginuary.
LAUGHTER To help elderly people, obviously, it's January, now.
They get a lot of buzz around Christmas, the elderly.
Esther Rantzen comes out and tells you to give one a ring and all that, and then January they get binned off, the elderly.
So I thought, what can we do to help the elderly in in January? Cardiganuary.
LAUGHTER - Sorry, what was that again? - Cardiganuary.
- Cardiganuary.
- Get yourself a cardigan.
Er, we employ nanas throughout January to knit cardigans.
Er, this is the, er, I was hoping you would be the spokesperson.
This is Jimmy Carrdigan.
LAUGHTER They've really got the plastic hair right, haven't they? First of Cardiganuary there.
There's lots of things you can buy.
We've got an app for your mobile.
Er, if your cardigan breaks and you want to find the nearest place you can find a nana to repair it, we've got Instagran, which is our app.
LAUGHTER Um, and this is the most exciting launch.
- I'm wearing what seems to be just a regular cardigan.
- Yeah.
But what about the gentleman who, perhaps, enjoys being comfortable at home, but wants a level of formality to it? This is actually a cardigown.
LAUGHTER So, it's a dressing gown-cardigan which you can wear just around the house.
Er LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Sara, have you got a mascot? Yes, I have.
I sent away for this.
I erm, I just wanted to have a really nice time and, erm, fit in with all the lads.
So I bought myself a Cool Guy Kit.
With everything you need to be a cool guy.
Could you share it with Jon? LAUGHTER They do have a bigger one with more accessories.
So, yes, there's a cool beret.
This is like a French guy, maybe.
And then, um, there's just, like, a cool moustache.
LAUGHTER And, er, what could be cooler than smoking a pipe? LAUGHTER And then I've got, um, like, banter cards, the things we just say to just fit in with lads.
Sure, go ahead.
SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH Who's seen a lady's bottom recently, yo? I tell you, I have! LAUGHTER I was on Tinder even back when it was only me and Tom from Myspace on there.
LAUGHTER When I'm not in my car, I'm in the club, or waiting for my car outside the club.
LAUGHTER I'm just so bemused by the beret, pipe and moustache.
What?! So what's your version of a cool guy? What would it look like? LAUGHTER OK.
Ah, over in Dictionary Corner we've got Sam Simmons.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you, thank you.
Sam trained as a vet, then turned to comedy, and he's known in both careers for his put-downs.
LAUGHTER AND GROANS Ah, now, Sam, um, as an Australian, what do you make of British culture? Not much.
LAUGHTER I mean, I like Come Dine With Me's pretty good.
LAUGHTER In fact, look at it, I found a British tapas menu.
This is a real thing.
A British tapas menu.
And guess what's on your bloody British tapas menu here.
Scotch eggs, fish fingers, and porridge.
LAUGHTER On your tapas menu, people.
That's on your tapas menu.
Why are you saying tapas wrong? Ta-pass.
What am I meant to say? Tapus.
Tap-uh-s.
- You say 'tappers', like someone tapping.
- It's not double P E-R-S.
- But what is - It's not TAPPERS.
- Give me tappers! I want tappers, from Spain! - It's like But what are you? I don't understand what you're saying! - Tapas! - Tapas! TAP-ASS! Your British tapas menu, it's shit.
LAUGHTER You look like you work in a tapas restaurant.
I do not look like a work in a bloody tapas restaurant! - Whatever.
- LAUGHTER Where was this tapa tap-az, ta-pazz menu? Just in the bloody the bowels of London somewhere.
- La Tash-ca.
- Where? - La Tash-ca.
- What's La Tashca? - Name of a tapas It's a Spanish tapas bar for gentlemen with moustache.
- Oh, La Tash-ca? - La Tashca.
I like the sound of that place.
That sounds kind of nice.
I like you.
I didn't Last time it wasn't good.
LAUGHTER You're nice.
I can tell you're nice.
It just takes two goes at me.
Stop it.
LAUGHTER Well, I think those two are now flirting.
I didn't think this was - LAUGHTER - No, I've got issues with Like, British culture's pretty good, but you don't have much culture.
I mean, really, when you really think about it.
Like, especially when it comes to food, it came from, it came from the Nords or the Vikings who invaded, I believe.
I can't believe an Australian is sitting there accusing us of having no culture.
We've got culture.
Yeah, cos of that well known Australian cuisine you guys invented when you started existing five minutes ago.
LAUGHTER What was it? What was it? Technically, all of your food is prison food.
LAUGHTER He slammed you.
He slammed your whole country.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ha-ha! No, they did invent the square pie.
Imagine that.
LAUGHTER Imagine that Eureka moment in Australia, where they went Yeah, can you tell me why "Hang on, a pie, it's not round "Fuckin' square!" LAUGHTER - Cool guys like round pies, cos they remind them of boobies.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER Hot, crunchy boobies.
LAUGHTER We also invented the sausage roll, so there you go.
- Of course you didn't.
- OK.
We invented the sausage roll! - No, you didn't! - Really? How was it? - Yeah.
We also invented penicillin.
We've done two good things.
Penicillin is Scottish.
You're thinking of racism, that's yours.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And with Sam, of course, it's Susie Dent.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie's been a regular fixture on Countdown since 2003.
She's irreplaceable, just like Des Lynam and Carol Vorderman were.
LAUGHTER Susie, are there any fun words that have been recently added - to the dictionary? - Well, the Oxford Word of the Year, for 2015, was the crying-with-laughter emoji.
You won't be familiar with crying-with-laughter.
LAUGHTER Oh, my God, the sexual tension! LAUGHTER Go on, what was thewhat was the? So they added an emoji? The emoji was the word of the year.
There was also "lumbersexual", which I quite like.
You heard of a lumbersexual? - You are quite lumbersexual.
- It's kind of like this, yeah.
Is that "out the back"? Oh, Mr Darcy! Basically, they look like they're going to fell a pine, but in fact they're off to make a flat white or something, - that's a lumbersexual.
- OK.
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In all the time Rachel's presented Countdown, she's only made one mistake.
Appearing on Strictly Come Dancing.
LAUGHTER Rachel, it's January.
It's pretty grim out there.
What would be the best prize the players could hope to win - this evening? - In terms of making everybody's life complete, maybe something like a sunbed.
LAUGHTER Well, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this top-of-the-range Countdown Sunbed! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
- Sean and Miles, your turn to pick the letters.
- Oh, God.
A vowel, please, Rachel.
Thank you, Sean.
U And another vowel.
O And another vowel.
A And another vowel, please.
And E.
And a consonant.
And a consonant.
N And a consonant.
D And a consonant.
P And a consonant.
And the last one, R.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
AUDIENCE: Aww.
LAUGHTER Come on! No, no, no.
LAUGHTER Come on.
No! LAUGHTER SARA: Aww! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Sean, how many? Seven.
I think, seven.
- Miles? - Five.
- What, sorry? - Five.
Oh, when I think of what we wasted on your education.
LAUGHTER - Jon? - A risky seven.
Ooh.
Cool Dude? Seven.
Er, Miles, let's hear your five.
TREAD.
- What? - TREAD.
That's the best you could do? It's what I happened to do.
I was slightly distracted by a man out of control with animals.
LAUGHTER Sean, what's your seven? I don't think it is there, but I've got UNDRAPE.
- UNDRAPE.
- DRAPE, UNDRAPE.
Erm, aww, UNDRAPES is there.
That's really unlucky, but not UNDRAPE.
Sorry, Sean.
I think she enjoys it, you know, shooting you down.
LAUGHTER - Yeah, I mean she's - I think it's a sickness.
LAUGHTER OK.
Jon, what was your seven? Erm, a TARPEDO.
LAUGHTER - A TARPEDO? - Yeah.
Well, I could guess what it means, but why don't you tell us? Here's the clean one.
It's a Mancunian missile.
LAUGHTER And how would that be pronounced? TAR-PEDO.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Or it's a sex offender who smokes.
LAUGHTER I'd like to point this out, Sara's still working on her word.
I'm not.
LAUGHTER - I can't believe you dug me in like a dobber.
- Sara, who's - I know! I can't believe you dug me in like a dobber.
- There's you going - I'm doodling! - Sara! Yeah, there's cheating going on on their end.
OK.
You just made a very powerful enemy.
SHE PUFFS HER PIPE LAUGHTER I really don't think you've thought through that pose, cos it doesn't look comfortable.
LAUGHTER OK, is it in the dictionary? Is TARPEDO in there? I'm not going to enjoy this, but it's not.
Oh, look at that face.
You're loving it! LAUGHTER Cool Dude? I've written down a word that I was confident about.
Now I think it's spelt wrong.
I've written down TROUPED, but with, like, a gymnastics troupe, T-R-O-U-P-E-D.
Oh, yeah.
Susie, is it in there? I have my doubts, which will make me even more boring in Sean's eyes, but it's not.
No, evil, not boring.
LAUGHTER - Sorry, Sara, it's not.
- No, OK.
Five points for Miles.
In your face, Jimmy.
Five points to Miles! APPLAUSE Sam, Susie, could they have done any better? Yeah, there's an eight.
It's PRONATED, and PRONATED means, like, you were going to think about donating something, but then you didn't.
LAUGHTER - Am I right? - No.
- Oh.
It means, um, turning When your foot turns inward, that way, it's pronated.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
- OK.
LAUGHTER OK.
Onto our first numbers round, OK? Jon and Sara, your turn to pick the numbers.
SEAN AND MILES LAUGHING Sean, Miles.
Sean and Miles, I won't say it again, fingers on lips.
LAUGHTER Hands on heads, pay attention, it's the numbers round.
OK.
Yeah, I'm ready.
I'm ready.
- Were you ready? - No, er, he'd brought up Hitler.
LAUGHTER - He was whispering to me about Hitler.
- Why was he whispering to you about Hitler? He said, "I don't know about you, Miles, I'm on the fence.
" LAUGHTER I was saying, "No, Sean.
" LAUGHTER "No, Sean.
No.
" I'm a bit like the Swiss during World War II, going, "I can see the good side and the bad side.
"I think I'll stay neutral.
" LAUGHTER - Yeah? - OK.
Onto our first num LAUGHTER Oh, no.
Onto LAUGHTER Um, onto our first numbers round.
OK, Jon and Sara, your turn to pick the numbers.
Can we have two large numbers and four small numbers? Yeah.
OK, just two regular from the top and four little ones.
And they are 4, 1, 2, 8.
And the big ones, 75 and 25.
And the target - OK, and your time starts now.
Um, Jon, did you get it? Er, yes, I did.
Sean, did you get it? HE SLURPS HIS DRINK LAUGHTER - FAINT COUGH - Yeah.
Sure did.
LAUGHTER Miles? Er, no.
Did you even bloody try? - I got quite near.
- Hm.
How near did you get, out of interest? Er, five hundred and oop.
LAUGHTER Well, what about Sara, did you, did you get it? You're still working No.
I got 529.
Sean, how did you do it? Why me first? Er, cos I believe Jon got it.
LAUGHTER Hi, Rachel.
Well HE MUMBLES INTO HIS MUG LAUGHTER .
.
and then you've got 527.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - Sean? - Mmm? How did you get it? All right.
8 - 1 is 7.
Times 75 is 525.
Add 2.
- Well done, 527.
Perfect.
- Thank you.
APPLAUSE Jon? I did it the same way, but without all the shit with the water first.
LAUGHTER So, ten points to both teams.
APPLAUSE The scores at the moment, Jon and Sara have 10, Sean and Miles have 15.
And here is your teaser.
The words are BOG STAIN.
The clue is - mine are incredible.
That's BOG STAIN - mine are incredible.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser: the words were BOGSTAIN, the clue was "Mine are incredible.
" It was, of course, BOASTING.
So Sean and Miles are in the lead.
Time to mix things up a little bit.
They've been playing in teams so far.
This game is just for Sean and Sara.
I'm going to crack on with some knitting, if you don't mind.
- LAUGHTER - How exciting.
The climax of Cardiganuary.
I'm going to cover The Shard in London with a Shardigan.
LAUGHTER Butgetting there.
Getting there, I think.
- It's a strong start.
- Should have it done.
All I've got to do is pretend I know how to knit.
Do you not know how to LAUGHTER Carry on.
- So, Sara, your turn to choose the letters.
- A vowel, please.
I And another vowel, please.
E And a consonant.
C And another consonant.
K Vowel, please.
O Consonant.
And another consonant.
J And another consonant.
S And then a vowel, please.
And the last one U OK, and your time starts now.
Sean, what have you got? - Just got a five.
- Five? Sara? - Five.
- Oh, Sara, let's hear your five.
STICK Sean? JOUS Big stick.
LAUGHTER Are you doing internal organs now? I've knitted a woolly willy.
LAUGHTER You need to see a doctor.
OK, five points for both teams.
Dictionary Corner? Sam, Susie, could they have done any better? - Yeah.
JOKIEST.
- OK.
So, at the end of that, Jon and Sara have 15, Sean and Miles have 20.
APPLAUSE Right.
Now, time for Jon and Miles to go head to head.
Miles, your turn to pick the numbers.
The glasses on you, it makes you look like The Two Ronnies have had an aneurysm.
LAUGHTER That doesn't make sense, Jimmy, cos they're both dead.
Apart from the little one.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I picture Ronnie Corbett watching that on telly then and just - HE GASPS - Oh, God.
LAUGHTER OK.
On with the game.
Pick the numbers.
- I will have two big and four small, please.
- Thank you, Miles.
Two from the top, and four little ones again.
And this time the numbers are 4, 8, 5 and 3.
And the big ones - 50 and 25.
And the target - 808.
And your time starts now.
- Miles, did you get it? - No.
What did you get? I got 805.
805.
OK, Jon, did you get it? Do you know, I think I got 804.
We'll find out, depending on how pissed off I am after Miles has said something.
LAUGHTER Miles, how did you get 805? I, er Now, what did I do? I added 8 and 3.
I made 11 out of that.
- Well, that's a great start.
- Brilliant.
Love it.
I then added 25 and 50.
To that, or just to teach other? No, to each other.
I left the others well alone.
LAUGHTER Equals 75.
I then multiplied the number 75 by the number 11.
- For 825.
- Something like that.
Uh-huh.
- And then I multiplied 4 by 5.
- Yeah.
I got 20.
I subtracted it from 825, - and it I got 805.
- JON: Awesome.
Yeah.
Three away.
Well done.
APPLAUSE Could it be done, Rachel? Er, yes.
If you say 25 x 4 = 100, 100 x 8 = 800.
And then 3 and 5 is another 8.
There you go.
APPLAUSE Jon, just checking with you, how annoyed are you now? Cos it turned out to be quite easy.
I'm delighted for Miles.
I think it's great for the show.
But the thing is No, no, no.
But how annoyed are you? Cos it turned out it was easy.
Well, I think the point is, Jimmy, fuck off and eat shit.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
- Sam, what have you got for us? - Right.
A lot of people won't know this, but I'm a very successful agony aunt back in Australia.
I solve problems from all over the country.
I'm going to give you a little example right here.
Here's a letter from Glen in Cronulla.
"Dear Sam, sometimes I get really lonely.
"How do I make new friends?" From Glen in Cronulla.
Dear Glen, maybe you should actually try MAKING new friends.
MUSIC PLAYS # Here I have a pine cone # Pine cone # Here is one dressed up # This one is a cowboy # Cowboy # This one is a slut # Is a slut # This one jokes around the office # Ha-ha-ha # This one is a businessman # I'm doing business things # These two here are Siamese # Siamese # This one's into porn # Hardcore This one is an idiot.
- MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY - Jimmy's my favourite.
LAUGHTER - MUSIC RESUMES - # This one's half a hawk # Pine cone people are my friends # They fall from trees reborn again # I dress them up and take them home # Like this one is a ghost pine cone # Pine cone people come from trees # But you don't need the third degree # I like to dress them up in stuff # Have you met Wayne? # He's got pine-nuts LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE # Pine cone people are my friends I hope I helped you out there, Glen.
Love, Sam.
- We got there! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Took a lot of work for that.
So, the scores for the moment.
Jon and Sara have 15, Sean and Miles are in the lead with 27.
APPLAUSE And here's your teaser.
The words are SHYDILDO.
The clue is, "You're doing it all wrong.
" That's SHYDILDO.
"You're doing it all wrong.
" See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were SHY DILDO.
The clue was, you're doing it all wrong.
It was, of course, SHODDILY.
OK.
Before we get on with the game, Sean, you had a self-help book earlier.
- Yes.
- Is that the first title in the series or? - No, there's a trilogy, Jimmy.
- Oh.
I've got another book.
It's, ah, Sean's Easy Way To Keep Fat.
From Thinner To Dinner.
It's a great book, and then one of the great things about this book, it could be read with one hand, so you've got the other hand free for eating, like that.
"Why Be Thin?" First chapter.
"Well, unlike slimming, there's no limit to how fat you can become.
" LAUGHTER "You just have to put your mind to it.
" The message there.
Chapter two.
"How To Keep Fat.
" Once you've got fat, how do you stay fat? "Buy clothes that are way too big for you "and set yourself a target date to fit them "Spice up a dull salad with some fudge.
" LAUGHTER And II do have a third book, if you want it.
Oh, I would love to see it, yeah.
Which is, Sean's Guide To Reckless Gambling.
From Riches To Ditches In Just 14 Days.
"With interest rates so low, "there's never been a better time to get heavily in debt.
" First thing I'd say is, "Don't feel guilty about losing.
"Your kids have too much stuff already.
"Sell some of it so you can bet more.
"The housekeeping money's going to win nothing sitting in that drawer.
"Use it.
" JIMMY LAUGHS "See your wife's purse and kids' moneyboxes as emergency cash points.
"Remember, you're betting for them.
" OK, on with the game.
Sean and Miles, your turn to choose the letters.
What would you like, Sean? Oh, just take some responsibility for once in your life, Miles.
Stop being so frightened of making mistakes and just live a bit.
Um, I Right, OK.
Well, I mean, just half-and-half it.
You don't wanna half-and-half it.
That's just lazy.
Oh, well I'm just living it.
What's your fucking? Well, sorry, what's the maximum? Four and a half of each? Oh, I see, it's just nine.
Well, we're not gonna use all nine, are we? That's a waste of time.
Five and four.
You decide.
Rachel, you decide.
A R You wanna see what you get.
B OK.
Can you just spell out the word HARBOUR? Oh, hello.
Um, you choose the rest, Sean, cos you're opinionated, whereas I'm, sort of, more of a team player.
You're obviously not, you won't even do the bare minimum of taking, shouldering responsibility as a team member.
JON: Ooh, BARE! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Another another vowel, please, Rachel.
I And another vowel, please.
A Another vowel, please.
E Yeah, good luck with that, Sean.
Erm Oh, consonants then, yeah.
N And S.
OK, and your time starts now.
OK, Sean, how many have you got? - Erm, six.
- Miles? Six.
Jon? Er, six.
- Cool Dude? - Six.
What did you get, Cool Dude? ARIANS.
Like, the ones that the Nazis liked.
I don't There is no Y.
Oh, I spelt it wrong then.
Is there a different kind of ARIAN? Like, an Aries person? There is yeah, there is an ARIAN, but it's a capital A.
Well, it is a capital one up there though, in my defence! - OK, Jon, what did you get? - BRAINS.
I got BRAINS as well.
You got BRAINS as well? Miles? Well, I didn't know about this capitals rule, but, I've got SABINE, like the SABINE women.
Yeah, and they've got a capital S.
MILES: Has this always been one of the rules on Countdown? Yeah.
Yeah, but it's the first time you've got a word, isn't it? So So, six points to both teams there.
Erm, Sam, could they have done any better? Yeah, there's a seven for BEANIES.
As in, "I'd like some baked BEANIES.
" - No, BEANIE hats.
BEANIE hats.
- Oh, as in BEANIE hat.
Sorry.
So at the end of that, Sean and Miles are in the lead with 33.
Very good.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner for one last time.
Sam, what have you got for us? All right.
Um, I know most of you are just thinking, "Who is this really, really great guy?" So I decided I'd, er, I'd tell you my entire life story up until, like, when I just, er, got here this evening.
Let's go.
Welcome to me, ladies and gentlemen.
On the 19 March 1977, I was born at a very, very young age.
Life was simple as a toddler.
Life was all nipples and bunny rabbits.
Here's a picture of me right here.
As you can see, I was a really chilled-out child.
As you can see, I've just casually shat myself just here.
Hello.
Here's my first dog, Dr Noodles.
When I was six years old, he ate an entire reel of minted dental floss and did a shit that went for 26 metres.
What I did, I just trod on one end of it and made him fetch the ball, and it spooled out of his I don't remember this night, it was a bit of a blur.
This was taken immediately after I lost my virginity to a 36-year-old woman wearing a Yoda mask.
I knew it was wrong at the time, but hey, I really, really liked Yoda.
Pretty soon my life spiralled out of control.
I had to wash hobos for sandwiches.
And this is me just before, with Sean Lock.
So, you can see this is my entire life story right up until this very moment here, ladies and gentlemen.
APPLAUSE Sam Simmons, everyone.
Sam Simmons.
And here is your teaser.
The words are ANAL PEST.
The clue is, it's quite nice.
That's ANAL PEST, it's quite nice.
See you after the break.
CHEERING APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser The words were ANAL PEST.
The clue was - it's quite nice.
It was, of course, PLEASANT.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon and Sara, your turn to choose the letters.
Er, consonant.
L A vowel, please.
U Oh, it's going to be "lumbersexual".
Consonant.
D Consonant, please.
Er, vowel, please.
O Another vowel, please.
E And a consonant.
S - Ooh! - HE CHUCKLES Sorry, I'm auditioning for porn at the same time as I'm picking letters.
Oh, that's nice.
Your new Lancashire porn.
Yeah, Lancashire hot porn.
Oh, bang tidy! A consonant, please.
W Yeah, that's right.
And a final vowel.
And the last one A OK, and your time starts now.
CHEERING What did the donkey ever do to YOU?! Oh, you don't want to know.
Jon, how many? Er, seven.
- Seven.
OK.
Cool Dude? - Seven.
Sean, how many? I've only got six.
- Miles? - Four.
What? Loads of fives, lots of fours.
Nothing very impressive, though.
- "Four," you just said.
- Well, I could do a four, I could do a five.
Well, do a five, then.
I don't see the point in saying five, because other people got more, so I might as well go low.
Well, no, fair enough.
Sean? In fact, no, I haven't got any words.
STOWED STOWED.
OK, STOWED.
Cool Dude, what did you get? SALUTED - Brilliant.
- So, even though it's still just a seven, I think that was the coolest seven.
Jon? - I think I've spelt it right, but I'm not sure.
TOUSLED.
- Yeah.
It's what old women used to do to my hair when I used to go bowling.
Crown green.
When you used to go crown green bowling?! Yeah, with my dad and my nan.
I think I might cry.
Good game, bowling.
"Good wood, Ron.
" Was that the Lancashire porn again? Could be, could be.
"It's touching Jack.
" Ooh! Sam, Susie, could they have done any better? Um, you could've had LOUDES or OUTLAWED.
Very impressive.
OK, so Jon and Sara have 28.
Sean and Miles have 33.
OK.
And so it's a crucial Countdown Conundrum.
We don't often get high tension on Cats Does Countdown.
This is it.
OK.
Your time starts now.
Oh, hang on.
Did? No, it's too late.
Shame, innit? Did you Did you get it, Jon? Er, it's what Prince Charles calls his penis.
ROYAL DING I didn't get it, no.
Um, did you You guys didn't get it either? I've got a three.
Well, let's take a look.
Aw.
OK, well, that's brilliant.
We've won.
Brilliant.
So, the final scores are Jon and Sara have 28 points, but tonight's winners with 33 points - Sean and Miles! Congratulations - you're now the proud owners of this, the top-of-the-range Countdown sunbed! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight!