Dad's Army (1968) s07e03 Episode Script
Gorilla Warfare
Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Get your stuff on the van as quickly as you can.
Good afternoon, Captain Mainwaring.
I ain't half looking forward to this weekend exercise.
-Pike.
-Sir.
How many times have I told you not to wear that scarf on parade? Yes, well, mum made me put it on, you see.
Said if we were gonna be sleeping out all night, didn't want me to catch a cold.
We're not likely to come to any harm in this weather.
It's midsummer.
Hello, sir.
What have you got in the suitcase? What? Oh, just a couple of rugs and my pyjamas and things.
Rugs and pyjamas on active service? I've never heard of anything like it in my life.
Now look here, Wilson.
As my sergeant, you're supposed to set an example of toughness.
You're supposed to be Are you wearing scent? -Scent? -Yes, scent.
No, it's just a little bit of eau de cologne I put on after I shave, this is.
-Put scent on after you shave? -Yes, yes.
I've never heard of such a thing.
Mum likes it.
-She says it makes him smell nice.
-Be quiet.
-Surprised I've never smelt it before.
-Well, I only use it on the weekend.
It's frightfully difficult to get.
You're decadent, Wilson.
That's your trouble.
Decadent.
You'll be wearing suede shoes next.
Get it washed off before anybody else smells it.
You don't catch people like Frazer stinking of scent.
What's that smell? Oh, that's just a wee drop of embalming fluid behind the ear.
It keeps the mosquitoes away.
Good afternoon, Captain Mainwaring.
What are you carrying that eiderdown for? Well, we shall be out all night and my sister Dolly thought it might keep me warm.
You can't move swiftly across country loaded down with that.
He could not move swiftly across country stark naked.
Here we are, sir.
All present and correct and raring to go, sir.
Thank you, Corporal.
Just a minute.
Just a minute.
-What's that? -Oh, that? Oh, that's so as everyone knows what I do.
-What do you do? -Well, ''WC.
'' War Correspondent.
Get it off at once.
And you can't bring that camera on parade.
Well, Mr Cheeseman, he's been taking a photo of me for featuring me in an article in the Gazette, sir.
Yes.
What about this for a title, now? ''Corporal Jones: Battle-Scarred Veteran.
'' It doesn't mean I'm all mangled and mingy, you know, sir.
It means mentally scarred, sir.
-It means you're barmy.
-Just a minute.
I'm not barmy, don't All right, all right.
Sergeant, for goodness sake, fall them in.
-We've wasted enough time as it is.
-Pay attention.
Fall in, three ranks.
Quick as you can, come on.
Hurry up.
MAINWARING: Cheeseman, not with the camera.
Oh, there we are, Corporal.
What shall I do with this, sir? -Oh, give it to me.
-Give it to you? Right, sir.
WILSON: All right, sir.
All right, platoon Platoon, attention! Present and correct, sir.
Stand at ease.
Now, for the purposes of this exercise we are a patrol of commandos behind the enemy's lines.
And our task is to rendezvous with a highly important secret agent who has been dropped by parachute.
We shall then escort the secret agent to his secret destination.
Permission to speak, sir.
I should like to volunteer to be that very important, highly secret agent, sir.
Yes.
Well, thank you, Jones.
I've already decided who the highly important secret agent is going to be.
Excuse me, sir.
It's not by any chance going to be you, is it? Yes.
-How did you know? -Oh, it was just a guess.
Mr Mainwaring, are you really going to jump out of an aeroplane wearing a parachute? Of course I'm not, you stupid boy.
It's a hypothetical parachute.
Oh, I shouldn't use one of them, sir.
They're not safe.
Our task is, A: to see that we are not spotted from the air as we move across the ground.
So we shall be wearing camouflage.
GHQ, on the other hand, will be doing their best to capture our secret agent.
Who is highly important.
Now, they will do this by trying to divert us from our task with the use of counteragents.
Now, counteragents, as you probably Wilson? Wilson! -What are you doing? -Sorry, sir.
But I thought as it was such a beautiful day, while you were chatting away over there, that I'd take advantage of this glorious sun and try and get myself a little bit of a tan.
At breakfast mum said he was looking a bit peaky.
How will we know who these counteragents are, hmm? We won't.
They'll be using all sorts of disguises.
Well, sir, how important are their counteragents? Are they just important or are they highly important? Well, that's not important.
I'm sure you'll be the most important of them all, sir.
Oh, yes indeed.
There is no one more important than you, Captain Mainwaring.
Yes indeed.
We had a highly important secret agent out in the Sudan when I was there.
Till them fuzzy-wuzzies got hold of him.
He wasn't very important after that.
I wouldn't like anything like that to happen to you, Captain Mainwaring.
Tell them what happened to the Eastgate platoon last week.
What was that, sir? Tell them what your friend, Fruity Buckmaster, told you.
Oh, yes.
Yes, rather funny really.
Yes, you see, only last week the Eastgate platoon did the same sort of exercise and Captain Square made himself the highly important secret agent.
He would.
Pompous ass.
But they'd only been gone an hour when he was captured, you see.
Made a complete mess of the whole thing.
Look at that, Mr Hodges.
Laughing and sneering at poor old Captain Square in the Eastgate platoon.
Hooligans, that's what they are.
Ruddy hooligans.
You don't mind helping Captain Square, then? There's a pound each in it for us.
What? I'd do it for nothing.
Any enemy of Mainwaring's is a friend of mine.
MAINWARING: All right, men! Get ready to move off.
Load up.
Now, remember what Captain Square said.
We've got to make sure that Mainwaring's mob are spotted by that aeroplane.
Right, come on.
-I'm going to put the men in the picture.
-Right.
-Corporal Jones.
-Sir! -Line the men up for a short brief.
-Very good, sir.
At the double, line up for your short briefs! Come on, look lively! Fall in there.
Listen carefully, everybody.
Right, as the officer says! Do as the officer says! Listen carefully! All listen carefully! (Shouting) The men are now listening carefully, sir.
Thank you, Jones.
Now, I am the highly important secret agent.
I've just been dropped by parachute.
Now, we've got to be on our guard against the GHQ counteragents.
And as we don't know what disguise they'll be using, we're going to ignore everybody whom we don't know personally.
Is that clear? Right.
Get ready to move off.
MAINWARING: Left, right, left.
Oh, look at those poor nuns, sir.
Their car's broken down.
Rubbish.
They're obviously counteragents disguised as nuns.
You'd think they'd use something a bit more original than that, wouldn't you? Ignore those nuns, men.
Hey, Captain Mainwaring, they've got women's faces.
I don't care what sort of faces they've got.
Keep going.
I say, our car's broken down.
Could you gentlemen give us some assistance, please? -Take no notice.
-Oh, please, help us.
We're being awfully rude, you know, sir.
Look to your front, Wilson.
Please! You know, Sister Mary, since this Nazi parachute scare, life is becoming quite unbearable.
Hello, there's another of them.
Another what? Another counteragent.
I'll bet a pound to a penny there's a wireless receiver in that pram.
Oh, really, sir? Well, I'm not taking any chances.
Jones.
Sir.
When I give the word, surround that pram.
When he gives the order, you surround the pram.
Do you want us to fix bayonets, sir? No, no, I don't think that will be necessary.
Now! All right, lady.
Stand back.
All right, lady.
-Search the pram, Wilson.
-Aye, sir.
Is there a wireless set in there? If there is, the battery's leaking.
(Baby crying) (Plane droning overhead) Now, we've got to get across this field and into those woods without that plane spotting us.
Here it comes again.
Get down.
How do we know if the plane spots us, sir? If he sees us, he'll drop bombs of yellow dye.
-All clear, right.
Come on.
-Right.
Here he comes again.
Down everybody, and freeze! Well done, men.
Forward! They haven't been spotted so far, Mr Hodges.
They very soon will be.
Quick, spread that sheet out! Go on! Oh, come on.
Hurry up.
Come on.
Bring it round.
Here he comes! -They're over there! They're over there! -Over there! He can't miss! He can't miss! I say! Wait! I think that man's calling to you, sir.
Perhaps it's one of them counterfeit agents, sir.
You're right, Jones.
Take no notice, men.
But won't he draw attention to the plane, sir? Oh, what a blessed nuisance.
All right.
Down, everybody.
Freeze.
-MAINWARING: What do you want? -I must speak to you.
Well, don't come any nearer.
And pretend you're not talking to us.
Hey, look, Mr Mainwaring.
He's got officer's clothes on underneath that white coat.
Aye, it looks very suspicious to me.
I think he is one of them counterfeit agents.
-Are you listening? -Yes.
Get on with it.
And don't look at us when you're talking.
I work for an experimental laboratory run by the War Office.
We train animals for secret war work.
A likely story.
What sort of animals? Monkeys, I suppose.
Yes, yes, that's right.
One of them's escaped.
Not really a monkey, more of an ape.
A gorilla.
Watch out for it.
It's dangerous.
There's a loose gorilla about.
There's a loose gorilla about! -All right.
-Don't panic! That'll do.
Wait a minute, sir.
Sheer rubbish.
Might be training them to fight against the Germans.
Don't talk piffle, boy.
If there are any gorillas within 1 ,000 miles of here, I'll eat my hat.
Come on.
Forward! All right, fall out for a smoke.
Start taking your camouflage off.
I'm fed up.
Fed up with Mainwaring, I am.
Always making a monkey out of me.
Oh, no one's trying to make a monkey out of you, Mr Hodges.
Oh, come on.
Shut up.
Get off.
(Gorilla grunting) What's the matter with you? Keep it up, men, you're doing very well.
Captain Mainwaring, I can hear voices.
Voices.
Halt.
HODGES: Help! There they are again, sir.
Ghostly voices.
Stop rolling your eyes about, Frazer.
He's right, sir.
I can hear them as well.
Listen.
HODGES: Help! VERGER: Help! There it is again.
Someone's in trouble.
Permission to speak, sir.
Could be some of them counterfeit agents, sir.
Trying to divert us from our purpose.
If it's a trap, you're the one they're after.
You'd better stay here and I'll go and see what it is.
-Very well.
Take Jones' section with you.
-All right.
At the double, round the Captain, a ring of steel, form! It's all right.
It's all right.
What are you doing? What are you doing? I gonna make sure while we're gone, they can't lay their dirty hands on you.
Help! -Help! -Help! -Help! -Help! -Help! -Help! Oh, look, Uncle Arthur.
It's only Mr Hodges and the verger.
How dare you divert us from our purpose? -Come on, let's get back.
-Yeah, come on.
-Please, don't leave us! -Yes, don't leave us.
There was a monster! All horrible and hairy! Now, here we are, then.
Come along, all of you.
Here we are now.
This is it.
You should be warm and cosy here for the night.
Yes, thank you very much indeed.
I must say, it was most kind of your wife to give us that delicious supper.
I haven't tasted eggs and bacon like that for years.
Yes, that was a real meal.
I can't help feeling that we ought to have offered her some payment for it, though.
Hey, hey, son.
Goodbye and bless ye.
You been good.
-On yer go.
-Well, good night all.
-Good night.
-Sleep tight.
Hello, hello.
Here's two more gentlemen come to join you.
What? What do you want, Hodges? Just about fed up with you following us about all over the place.
Why don't you go home? How can we with that horrible, hairy monster about? -Oh, rubbish.
-You watch out, sir.
They're up to no good, sir.
What's the matter with them? Never seen Hodges grovelling like that before.
Yes, I know, sir.
It's really quite disgusting.
-Right, now let's get settled down.
-Yes, let's do that.
-Uncle Arthur.
-Yes? I don't think mum would like us sleeping in this straw.
There might be all creepy-crawly things in it.
Don't be silly, Frank.
I mean, a little spider won't do you any harm.
Frankly, I think it is really rather, you know, rather cosy here.
Oh, yes.
Not bad at all, is it? It's not like straw.
It's all soft and cosy, isn't it? Yes, it is.
Straw gives off a sort of a kind of animal heat, you see.
-You all right, Mr Godfrey? -Oh, yes, thank you, Mr Jones.
This straw is quite comfortable, isn't it? Yes, indeed, it's real cosy, man.
It's just like a feather bed, isn't it, man? Yes, indeed.
You don't think there's any truth in that story about the escaped gorilla, do you? Oh, no.
No truth in it at all, Mr Godfrey.
Thank you, Mr Jones.
You've been a great comfort to us all.
That's all right, Mr Godfrey.
I'm just a plain, common sense talker.
Now, you have a nice little rest now.
That's right.
Uncle Arthur.
What? What is it, Frank? Tell me a story.
Don't be silly, Frank.
You're too old for that sort of thing, you know.
You used to tell me stories.
Why have you changed? Well, you see, you're grown up now.
Mum says you tell her stories.
And they're always the same one.
Look, Frank, just go to sleep, will you, please? What does that boy want, Wilson? Well, you see, he wants me to tell him a story.
Can't help feeling that he's slightly retarded.
It's his mother, you see, sir.
I mean, she really spoils him to death.
Yes, she's been a widow for too long.
What that boy needs is the firm hand of a father.
Yes, I quite agree, sir.
I wish I could find somebody.
Oh, well.
Captain Mainwaring did you ever hear the story of the old empty barn? No.
Would you like to hear the story of the old empty barn? Oh, yes, yes.
Yes, it might put us in a good mood before we go to sleep.
Pay attention, everybody.
Private Frazer is going to tell us the story of the old empty barn.
-Carry on, Frazer.
-Right.
Well, the story of the old empty barn.
Well there was nothing in it.
Did you hear what I said? There was nothing in it! Oh, for God's sake, good night! You know, Wilson, over the years that I have come to know the members of this platoon I've grown quite fond of them.
But I can't help feeling sometimes that I'm in charge of a bunch of idiots.
Captain Mainwaring's platoon seem to be doing very well.
Lieutenant Wood and I have got a pretty elaborate scheme to upset them but we haven't had much luck so far.
Well, now, don't you underrate Mainwaring.
He's got lots of guts and he's very tenacious.
-Where are they now? -They're spending a night in a barn, just here.
Lieutenant Wood is keeping an eye on them.
-He's here, sir.
-Well, get him in then.
Come in, old boy.
Well, for heaven's sake, take off that ridiculous mask.
Of all the harebrained schemes I've ever heard of, this takes the biscuit.
-It seems to be working, sir.
-We've still got tomorrow morning, sir.
Well, have you found out who the highly important secret agent is? Yes, sir, it's Captain Mainwaring.
Well, you've got till 1 1 00 hours to separate him from his men and capture him.
Don't you worry, sir.
I'll capture him if it's the last thing I do.
What time is it, Wilson? -What? -The time? Now, you have to deliver me, the highly important secret agent, -to GHQ by 1 1 00 hours.
-Aye, sir.
All right? Let's see the map, Frazer.
We worked out the route, sir.
We follow this road here, through the wood, pick up this road here, follow it till we get across the bridge.
Bear right, keep right on and that will bring us to GHQ, sir.
But that's miles out of our way.
No, no, no, no, no.
What we want to do is take a direct route across country.
-We might get lost.
-I shall use a compass.
Hmm, do you think that's wise? I am quite capable of using a compass, Wilson.
-I'll take a bearing.
-Uh-huh.
Thus.
All we need to do is follow a bearing of 94 degrees -and it will bring us direct to GHQ, all right? -Oh.
Come along.
The sun's over there, man.
It's as plain as the nose on your face.
Well, I may have been a few degrees out.
We're right back where we started.
What are we gonna do, Mr Mainwaring? We've only got half an hour to deliver you to GHQ.
-WILSON: All right, Jones.
-It's not all right.
(All arguing) Be quiet.
Be quiet.
Now, GHQ is only five miles away and it's a direct road.
Yes, but you'll never be able to make it in half an hour, sir.
-Yes, we will.
We'll go in the van.
-But you're not allowed to use our transport.
Ah.
-I'll use that motorbike.
That's not ours.
-What? Yes, but I Wilson, please, do not split hairs.
I'm the highly important secret agent.
There's nothing to say that I can't use my own initiative and commandeer a motorcycle.
Right, the rest of you will follow in the van.
Jones, get the men aboard.
You heard what the officer said, embark.
Come on, embark! Right, you drive the van, Wilson, and you, Jones, come with me on the bike.
Right, sir.
Where do you think you're going with my motorbike? I'm commandeering it.
Clear off.
-Here it is.
-What's this? It's a hypodermic syringe.
-What on earth for? -To inject the gorilla with.
It won't hurt it, just put it to sleep.
Are you mad? No, he's from the RSPCA.
I telephoned him about the escaped gorilla.
Yes.
Now, when you've put it to sleep, just send for us and we'll do the rest.
He's another of them counterfeit agents, sir.
They never stop trying, you know.
I've never heard such rubbish.
Even if there was an escaped gorilla, how could we get close enough to inject it? Ah, well, that's your problem.
I'm a very busy man.
Good luck.
We're all ready, sir.
Ah.
Now, we'll go on ahead, Wilson.
You follow, will you? All right, sir.
Now, we're using this bike, Hodges.
You can follow in the van.
-Now, look here, Napoleon -I don't know what your game is, Hodges, but you're obviously trying your best to ruin my chances of finishing this exercise.
And how you expected us to believe that story about an escaped gorilla I'll never comprehend.
Look, sir, they're trying something else now.
-Where did you say GHQ was, Frazer? -Just up the road, here.
Uncle Arthur, Mr Mainwaring's just gone past with a monkey on his back.
You! Come on, move over! Go, get out! Go on, move over.
-Who are you shouting at? -Come on.
Quick, get the hypodermic and stick it in him.
Stick the syringe in the monkey.
Right, sir.
Don't panic.
Don't panic, sir.
Get back! Get back! Keep your paws up.
Now, then.
Now, then.
Good heavens, it was an escaped gorilla after all.
I was right, Uncle Arthur.
They are training them to fight the Germans.
I cannot believe it.
What a story this is going to make for the paper.
Yes, indeed.
I don't think we ought to get too close.
He looks awfully fierce.
Perhaps I ought to shoot it.
No, don't shoot.
Whatever you do, don't shoot! That's funny.
I thought gorillas came from Africa.
Why is he speaking English? I am English.
Who are you, then? Lieutenant Wood.
And it didn't work.
-Thanks for the lift, ladies.
-Don't mention it.
It's such a change meeting someone who thinks we're real nuns.
Congratulations, chaps.
You've completed the exercise successfully.
Hurray! Now all I have to do is to get a report from your highly important secret agent.
-Where is he? -He's over there.
TIptoe Through the tulIps In the shadow of a wIllow tree Come
.
2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Get your stuff on the van as quickly as you can.
Good afternoon, Captain Mainwaring.
I ain't half looking forward to this weekend exercise.
-Pike.
-Sir.
How many times have I told you not to wear that scarf on parade? Yes, well, mum made me put it on, you see.
Said if we were gonna be sleeping out all night, didn't want me to catch a cold.
We're not likely to come to any harm in this weather.
It's midsummer.
Hello, sir.
What have you got in the suitcase? What? Oh, just a couple of rugs and my pyjamas and things.
Rugs and pyjamas on active service? I've never heard of anything like it in my life.
Now look here, Wilson.
As my sergeant, you're supposed to set an example of toughness.
You're supposed to be Are you wearing scent? -Scent? -Yes, scent.
No, it's just a little bit of eau de cologne I put on after I shave, this is.
-Put scent on after you shave? -Yes, yes.
I've never heard of such a thing.
Mum likes it.
-She says it makes him smell nice.
-Be quiet.
-Surprised I've never smelt it before.
-Well, I only use it on the weekend.
It's frightfully difficult to get.
You're decadent, Wilson.
That's your trouble.
Decadent.
You'll be wearing suede shoes next.
Get it washed off before anybody else smells it.
You don't catch people like Frazer stinking of scent.
What's that smell? Oh, that's just a wee drop of embalming fluid behind the ear.
It keeps the mosquitoes away.
Good afternoon, Captain Mainwaring.
What are you carrying that eiderdown for? Well, we shall be out all night and my sister Dolly thought it might keep me warm.
You can't move swiftly across country loaded down with that.
He could not move swiftly across country stark naked.
Here we are, sir.
All present and correct and raring to go, sir.
Thank you, Corporal.
Just a minute.
Just a minute.
-What's that? -Oh, that? Oh, that's so as everyone knows what I do.
-What do you do? -Well, ''WC.
'' War Correspondent.
Get it off at once.
And you can't bring that camera on parade.
Well, Mr Cheeseman, he's been taking a photo of me for featuring me in an article in the Gazette, sir.
Yes.
What about this for a title, now? ''Corporal Jones: Battle-Scarred Veteran.
'' It doesn't mean I'm all mangled and mingy, you know, sir.
It means mentally scarred, sir.
-It means you're barmy.
-Just a minute.
I'm not barmy, don't All right, all right.
Sergeant, for goodness sake, fall them in.
-We've wasted enough time as it is.
-Pay attention.
Fall in, three ranks.
Quick as you can, come on.
Hurry up.
MAINWARING: Cheeseman, not with the camera.
Oh, there we are, Corporal.
What shall I do with this, sir? -Oh, give it to me.
-Give it to you? Right, sir.
WILSON: All right, sir.
All right, platoon Platoon, attention! Present and correct, sir.
Stand at ease.
Now, for the purposes of this exercise we are a patrol of commandos behind the enemy's lines.
And our task is to rendezvous with a highly important secret agent who has been dropped by parachute.
We shall then escort the secret agent to his secret destination.
Permission to speak, sir.
I should like to volunteer to be that very important, highly secret agent, sir.
Yes.
Well, thank you, Jones.
I've already decided who the highly important secret agent is going to be.
Excuse me, sir.
It's not by any chance going to be you, is it? Yes.
-How did you know? -Oh, it was just a guess.
Mr Mainwaring, are you really going to jump out of an aeroplane wearing a parachute? Of course I'm not, you stupid boy.
It's a hypothetical parachute.
Oh, I shouldn't use one of them, sir.
They're not safe.
Our task is, A: to see that we are not spotted from the air as we move across the ground.
So we shall be wearing camouflage.
GHQ, on the other hand, will be doing their best to capture our secret agent.
Who is highly important.
Now, they will do this by trying to divert us from our task with the use of counteragents.
Now, counteragents, as you probably Wilson? Wilson! -What are you doing? -Sorry, sir.
But I thought as it was such a beautiful day, while you were chatting away over there, that I'd take advantage of this glorious sun and try and get myself a little bit of a tan.
At breakfast mum said he was looking a bit peaky.
How will we know who these counteragents are, hmm? We won't.
They'll be using all sorts of disguises.
Well, sir, how important are their counteragents? Are they just important or are they highly important? Well, that's not important.
I'm sure you'll be the most important of them all, sir.
Oh, yes indeed.
There is no one more important than you, Captain Mainwaring.
Yes indeed.
We had a highly important secret agent out in the Sudan when I was there.
Till them fuzzy-wuzzies got hold of him.
He wasn't very important after that.
I wouldn't like anything like that to happen to you, Captain Mainwaring.
Tell them what happened to the Eastgate platoon last week.
What was that, sir? Tell them what your friend, Fruity Buckmaster, told you.
Oh, yes.
Yes, rather funny really.
Yes, you see, only last week the Eastgate platoon did the same sort of exercise and Captain Square made himself the highly important secret agent.
He would.
Pompous ass.
But they'd only been gone an hour when he was captured, you see.
Made a complete mess of the whole thing.
Look at that, Mr Hodges.
Laughing and sneering at poor old Captain Square in the Eastgate platoon.
Hooligans, that's what they are.
Ruddy hooligans.
You don't mind helping Captain Square, then? There's a pound each in it for us.
What? I'd do it for nothing.
Any enemy of Mainwaring's is a friend of mine.
MAINWARING: All right, men! Get ready to move off.
Load up.
Now, remember what Captain Square said.
We've got to make sure that Mainwaring's mob are spotted by that aeroplane.
Right, come on.
-I'm going to put the men in the picture.
-Right.
-Corporal Jones.
-Sir! -Line the men up for a short brief.
-Very good, sir.
At the double, line up for your short briefs! Come on, look lively! Fall in there.
Listen carefully, everybody.
Right, as the officer says! Do as the officer says! Listen carefully! All listen carefully! (Shouting) The men are now listening carefully, sir.
Thank you, Jones.
Now, I am the highly important secret agent.
I've just been dropped by parachute.
Now, we've got to be on our guard against the GHQ counteragents.
And as we don't know what disguise they'll be using, we're going to ignore everybody whom we don't know personally.
Is that clear? Right.
Get ready to move off.
MAINWARING: Left, right, left.
Oh, look at those poor nuns, sir.
Their car's broken down.
Rubbish.
They're obviously counteragents disguised as nuns.
You'd think they'd use something a bit more original than that, wouldn't you? Ignore those nuns, men.
Hey, Captain Mainwaring, they've got women's faces.
I don't care what sort of faces they've got.
Keep going.
I say, our car's broken down.
Could you gentlemen give us some assistance, please? -Take no notice.
-Oh, please, help us.
We're being awfully rude, you know, sir.
Look to your front, Wilson.
Please! You know, Sister Mary, since this Nazi parachute scare, life is becoming quite unbearable.
Hello, there's another of them.
Another what? Another counteragent.
I'll bet a pound to a penny there's a wireless receiver in that pram.
Oh, really, sir? Well, I'm not taking any chances.
Jones.
Sir.
When I give the word, surround that pram.
When he gives the order, you surround the pram.
Do you want us to fix bayonets, sir? No, no, I don't think that will be necessary.
Now! All right, lady.
Stand back.
All right, lady.
-Search the pram, Wilson.
-Aye, sir.
Is there a wireless set in there? If there is, the battery's leaking.
(Baby crying) (Plane droning overhead) Now, we've got to get across this field and into those woods without that plane spotting us.
Here it comes again.
Get down.
How do we know if the plane spots us, sir? If he sees us, he'll drop bombs of yellow dye.
-All clear, right.
Come on.
-Right.
Here he comes again.
Down everybody, and freeze! Well done, men.
Forward! They haven't been spotted so far, Mr Hodges.
They very soon will be.
Quick, spread that sheet out! Go on! Oh, come on.
Hurry up.
Come on.
Bring it round.
Here he comes! -They're over there! They're over there! -Over there! He can't miss! He can't miss! I say! Wait! I think that man's calling to you, sir.
Perhaps it's one of them counterfeit agents, sir.
You're right, Jones.
Take no notice, men.
But won't he draw attention to the plane, sir? Oh, what a blessed nuisance.
All right.
Down, everybody.
Freeze.
-MAINWARING: What do you want? -I must speak to you.
Well, don't come any nearer.
And pretend you're not talking to us.
Hey, look, Mr Mainwaring.
He's got officer's clothes on underneath that white coat.
Aye, it looks very suspicious to me.
I think he is one of them counterfeit agents.
-Are you listening? -Yes.
Get on with it.
And don't look at us when you're talking.
I work for an experimental laboratory run by the War Office.
We train animals for secret war work.
A likely story.
What sort of animals? Monkeys, I suppose.
Yes, yes, that's right.
One of them's escaped.
Not really a monkey, more of an ape.
A gorilla.
Watch out for it.
It's dangerous.
There's a loose gorilla about.
There's a loose gorilla about! -All right.
-Don't panic! That'll do.
Wait a minute, sir.
Sheer rubbish.
Might be training them to fight against the Germans.
Don't talk piffle, boy.
If there are any gorillas within 1 ,000 miles of here, I'll eat my hat.
Come on.
Forward! All right, fall out for a smoke.
Start taking your camouflage off.
I'm fed up.
Fed up with Mainwaring, I am.
Always making a monkey out of me.
Oh, no one's trying to make a monkey out of you, Mr Hodges.
Oh, come on.
Shut up.
Get off.
(Gorilla grunting) What's the matter with you? Keep it up, men, you're doing very well.
Captain Mainwaring, I can hear voices.
Voices.
Halt.
HODGES: Help! There they are again, sir.
Ghostly voices.
Stop rolling your eyes about, Frazer.
He's right, sir.
I can hear them as well.
Listen.
HODGES: Help! VERGER: Help! There it is again.
Someone's in trouble.
Permission to speak, sir.
Could be some of them counterfeit agents, sir.
Trying to divert us from our purpose.
If it's a trap, you're the one they're after.
You'd better stay here and I'll go and see what it is.
-Very well.
Take Jones' section with you.
-All right.
At the double, round the Captain, a ring of steel, form! It's all right.
It's all right.
What are you doing? What are you doing? I gonna make sure while we're gone, they can't lay their dirty hands on you.
Help! -Help! -Help! -Help! -Help! -Help! -Help! Oh, look, Uncle Arthur.
It's only Mr Hodges and the verger.
How dare you divert us from our purpose? -Come on, let's get back.
-Yeah, come on.
-Please, don't leave us! -Yes, don't leave us.
There was a monster! All horrible and hairy! Now, here we are, then.
Come along, all of you.
Here we are now.
This is it.
You should be warm and cosy here for the night.
Yes, thank you very much indeed.
I must say, it was most kind of your wife to give us that delicious supper.
I haven't tasted eggs and bacon like that for years.
Yes, that was a real meal.
I can't help feeling that we ought to have offered her some payment for it, though.
Hey, hey, son.
Goodbye and bless ye.
You been good.
-On yer go.
-Well, good night all.
-Good night.
-Sleep tight.
Hello, hello.
Here's two more gentlemen come to join you.
What? What do you want, Hodges? Just about fed up with you following us about all over the place.
Why don't you go home? How can we with that horrible, hairy monster about? -Oh, rubbish.
-You watch out, sir.
They're up to no good, sir.
What's the matter with them? Never seen Hodges grovelling like that before.
Yes, I know, sir.
It's really quite disgusting.
-Right, now let's get settled down.
-Yes, let's do that.
-Uncle Arthur.
-Yes? I don't think mum would like us sleeping in this straw.
There might be all creepy-crawly things in it.
Don't be silly, Frank.
I mean, a little spider won't do you any harm.
Frankly, I think it is really rather, you know, rather cosy here.
Oh, yes.
Not bad at all, is it? It's not like straw.
It's all soft and cosy, isn't it? Yes, it is.
Straw gives off a sort of a kind of animal heat, you see.
-You all right, Mr Godfrey? -Oh, yes, thank you, Mr Jones.
This straw is quite comfortable, isn't it? Yes, indeed, it's real cosy, man.
It's just like a feather bed, isn't it, man? Yes, indeed.
You don't think there's any truth in that story about the escaped gorilla, do you? Oh, no.
No truth in it at all, Mr Godfrey.
Thank you, Mr Jones.
You've been a great comfort to us all.
That's all right, Mr Godfrey.
I'm just a plain, common sense talker.
Now, you have a nice little rest now.
That's right.
Uncle Arthur.
What? What is it, Frank? Tell me a story.
Don't be silly, Frank.
You're too old for that sort of thing, you know.
You used to tell me stories.
Why have you changed? Well, you see, you're grown up now.
Mum says you tell her stories.
And they're always the same one.
Look, Frank, just go to sleep, will you, please? What does that boy want, Wilson? Well, you see, he wants me to tell him a story.
Can't help feeling that he's slightly retarded.
It's his mother, you see, sir.
I mean, she really spoils him to death.
Yes, she's been a widow for too long.
What that boy needs is the firm hand of a father.
Yes, I quite agree, sir.
I wish I could find somebody.
Oh, well.
Captain Mainwaring did you ever hear the story of the old empty barn? No.
Would you like to hear the story of the old empty barn? Oh, yes, yes.
Yes, it might put us in a good mood before we go to sleep.
Pay attention, everybody.
Private Frazer is going to tell us the story of the old empty barn.
-Carry on, Frazer.
-Right.
Well, the story of the old empty barn.
Well there was nothing in it.
Did you hear what I said? There was nothing in it! Oh, for God's sake, good night! You know, Wilson, over the years that I have come to know the members of this platoon I've grown quite fond of them.
But I can't help feeling sometimes that I'm in charge of a bunch of idiots.
Captain Mainwaring's platoon seem to be doing very well.
Lieutenant Wood and I have got a pretty elaborate scheme to upset them but we haven't had much luck so far.
Well, now, don't you underrate Mainwaring.
He's got lots of guts and he's very tenacious.
-Where are they now? -They're spending a night in a barn, just here.
Lieutenant Wood is keeping an eye on them.
-He's here, sir.
-Well, get him in then.
Come in, old boy.
Well, for heaven's sake, take off that ridiculous mask.
Of all the harebrained schemes I've ever heard of, this takes the biscuit.
-It seems to be working, sir.
-We've still got tomorrow morning, sir.
Well, have you found out who the highly important secret agent is? Yes, sir, it's Captain Mainwaring.
Well, you've got till 1 1 00 hours to separate him from his men and capture him.
Don't you worry, sir.
I'll capture him if it's the last thing I do.
What time is it, Wilson? -What? -The time? Now, you have to deliver me, the highly important secret agent, -to GHQ by 1 1 00 hours.
-Aye, sir.
All right? Let's see the map, Frazer.
We worked out the route, sir.
We follow this road here, through the wood, pick up this road here, follow it till we get across the bridge.
Bear right, keep right on and that will bring us to GHQ, sir.
But that's miles out of our way.
No, no, no, no, no.
What we want to do is take a direct route across country.
-We might get lost.
-I shall use a compass.
Hmm, do you think that's wise? I am quite capable of using a compass, Wilson.
-I'll take a bearing.
-Uh-huh.
Thus.
All we need to do is follow a bearing of 94 degrees -and it will bring us direct to GHQ, all right? -Oh.
Come along.
The sun's over there, man.
It's as plain as the nose on your face.
Well, I may have been a few degrees out.
We're right back where we started.
What are we gonna do, Mr Mainwaring? We've only got half an hour to deliver you to GHQ.
-WILSON: All right, Jones.
-It's not all right.
(All arguing) Be quiet.
Be quiet.
Now, GHQ is only five miles away and it's a direct road.
Yes, but you'll never be able to make it in half an hour, sir.
-Yes, we will.
We'll go in the van.
-But you're not allowed to use our transport.
Ah.
-I'll use that motorbike.
That's not ours.
-What? Yes, but I Wilson, please, do not split hairs.
I'm the highly important secret agent.
There's nothing to say that I can't use my own initiative and commandeer a motorcycle.
Right, the rest of you will follow in the van.
Jones, get the men aboard.
You heard what the officer said, embark.
Come on, embark! Right, you drive the van, Wilson, and you, Jones, come with me on the bike.
Right, sir.
Where do you think you're going with my motorbike? I'm commandeering it.
Clear off.
-Here it is.
-What's this? It's a hypodermic syringe.
-What on earth for? -To inject the gorilla with.
It won't hurt it, just put it to sleep.
Are you mad? No, he's from the RSPCA.
I telephoned him about the escaped gorilla.
Yes.
Now, when you've put it to sleep, just send for us and we'll do the rest.
He's another of them counterfeit agents, sir.
They never stop trying, you know.
I've never heard such rubbish.
Even if there was an escaped gorilla, how could we get close enough to inject it? Ah, well, that's your problem.
I'm a very busy man.
Good luck.
We're all ready, sir.
Ah.
Now, we'll go on ahead, Wilson.
You follow, will you? All right, sir.
Now, we're using this bike, Hodges.
You can follow in the van.
-Now, look here, Napoleon -I don't know what your game is, Hodges, but you're obviously trying your best to ruin my chances of finishing this exercise.
And how you expected us to believe that story about an escaped gorilla I'll never comprehend.
Look, sir, they're trying something else now.
-Where did you say GHQ was, Frazer? -Just up the road, here.
Uncle Arthur, Mr Mainwaring's just gone past with a monkey on his back.
You! Come on, move over! Go, get out! Go on, move over.
-Who are you shouting at? -Come on.
Quick, get the hypodermic and stick it in him.
Stick the syringe in the monkey.
Right, sir.
Don't panic.
Don't panic, sir.
Get back! Get back! Keep your paws up.
Now, then.
Now, then.
Good heavens, it was an escaped gorilla after all.
I was right, Uncle Arthur.
They are training them to fight the Germans.
I cannot believe it.
What a story this is going to make for the paper.
Yes, indeed.
I don't think we ought to get too close.
He looks awfully fierce.
Perhaps I ought to shoot it.
No, don't shoot.
Whatever you do, don't shoot! That's funny.
I thought gorillas came from Africa.
Why is he speaking English? I am English.
Who are you, then? Lieutenant Wood.
And it didn't work.
-Thanks for the lift, ladies.
-Don't mention it.
It's such a change meeting someone who thinks we're real nuns.
Congratulations, chaps.
You've completed the exercise successfully.
Hurray! Now all I have to do is to get a report from your highly important secret agent.
-Where is he? -He's over there.
TIptoe Through the tulIps In the shadow of a wIllow tree Come