Family Ties (1982) s07e03 Episode Script

- I can't believe it.
- (Mallory groans) In August, Dukakis looked like shoo-in.
Yeah, that was before he got into the tank.
Now we've got Dennis the Menace as vice president.
You know the worst thing about Bush winning's gonna be? ALL: Alex.
Next time, I'm voting for the front-runner, no matter what he stands for.
- (Elyse speaking quietly) - Hey.
Here you go.
All right, Alex, let us have it.
We're ready.
You people underestimate me.
The question is not whether we are Democrats or Republicans.
Okay? We are Americans.
Whatever differences we had during the campaign, we must now set aside.
I want a kinder gentler nation.
ALEX: Remember you fought the good fight, okay? You have nothing to be ashamed of.
(groaning) ("Hail to the Chief" plays) (noisemakers blaring) (no voice) I bet we've been together for a million years And I bet we'll be together for a million more Oh, it's like I started breathing On the night we kissed And I can't remember what I ever did before What would we do, baby, without us? What would we do, baby, without us? And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through What would we do, baby, without us? Ah, good, good, good! You're all here! You know what I have behind my back? - ALEX: The fridge.
- MALLORY: We have no idea, Dad.
Whoa! A piece of paper.
What a stunner, Dad.
I've never seen that done up close.
This is an electricity bill.
From the size of it, you'd think we were major shareholders of Ohio Electric.
I own some.
Does anyone know who the chief waster of electricity is? (Alex groans) - I bet it's one of us.
- ELYSE: I bet it's one of us.
I did a little spot-check of your bedrooms last night, and I came up with some interesting data.
Dad, I need my lights to study.
- So do I.
- MALLORY: I need my light to study, too.
Uh-uh-uh, it seems that Jennifer has forgotten she left her air conditioner on.
Jennifer! It's almost winter.
It's not even hot.
Well, evidently it is, when you're under your electric blanket.
Okay, well, now that we know who the culprit is, maybe she can just move out, and the rest of us can get on with our energy-efficient lives.
The utility bills in this house are too high, and they must come down have I made myself clear? - MALLORY: Yes, Dad.
- Crystalline, Pop.
I think these are brown enough.
So, what are you doing, Andy? My history homework.
Your history homework? Alex is teaching me.
Today we're covering the Industrial Revolution: A capitalist perspective.
Well, somebody's got to supplement that joke of a first grade curriculum.
Listen, Andy, maybe you can skip that today, because Nick's bringing over someone for you to play with his little nephew Rocco.
Rocco? He's so cute.
You know, he's just like Nick.
Of course he's not as sophisticated.
I mean, he is only five years old.
So he's still got a year to go.
For your information, Alex, Rocco's a very sweet little boy.
He's staying with Nick for a week.
I think you're really gonna like him, Andy.
Neat! When is he coming over? Any minute now.
All right, okay listen, before Nick and, uh, Rocco get here, maybe we can pack a little more fun in.
Now, I got a surprise for you, pal.
I was gonna save it for later, but I think you've earned it.
In the living room, on the table, is a book.
The Socio- and Economic Impact of the Cotton Gin.
It's yours, pal.
Yay! Alex, you spoil him.
Hey, Mal, listen, I think it's nice that, uh that Nick's bringing his nephew over.
I just don't want you to get your hopes up, all right? - What do you mean? - It's just that I don't know if Andy's gonna be that interested in playing with Rocco.
I mean, he's really excited about the Industrial Revolution, and, you know, it's hard, at his age, to really fake that-that common touch.
(knocking on door) Oh, they're here.
MALLORY: Hey.
Hey, hey.
(clears throat) Everybody, this is my nephew Rocco.
Hey.
So, well, where's Andy, huh? Well, Nick, uh, (clears throat) You know, Andy's a little shy.
So I-I would Hi.
Is that an earring? Yeah, I would let you touch it, but my ear's kind of infected.
Neat.
Come on.
- I'll show you my room.
- ROCCO: Cool! We're working on his shyness.
Ow! Are you okay? Dad, that's the third time I've cut myself.
Can we please have a little more light? There's more than enough light.
Isn't there, Jennifer? I don't know, is that you, Dad? Dad, please? All of them, Steven.
All right, all right.
I wasn't aware we were going to perform microsurgery in this area.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go wash my hair and dry it by candlelight.
Wow, light.
All right, can we have a little decorum here, please? It is time for Wall Street Week.
Alex, Alex, you don't intend to use the electricity-guzzling television, do you? No, Dad, I thought I'd use the wood-burning television.
Hey, Andy! Buddy, come on down! Wall Street Week is starting! Alex, Andy's not here.
Uh, Nick took him and Rocco to the mall.
The mall?! Why would Nick drag Andy to the mall? (chuckles) I'm sorry.
First of all, Alex, nobody has to be dragged to the mall.
And secondly, Andy wanted to go.
Nick is buying him a T-shirt just like Rocco's.
Not-not the one with the picture of the dancing girl and a mug of beer Oh, no, no, you can't buy those in a store.
No, Rocco's mother is a waitress there.
Well, I think it's nice that Nick wants to buy Andy a T-shirt.
And if Andy wants his ear pierced, like his friend Rocco, I'm sure nice Nick will take him to the earring booth at the mall and get him that, too.
Oh, don't exaggerate, Alex.
Nick would certainly know that we wouldn't want Andy to do that.
BOTH: Right, Mallory? Right, I think.
ANNOUNCER: This is Wall Street Week.
Welcome back.
One year ago this week, Wall Street had a I can't believe it started and Andy's not here.
Now what am I supposed to do, watch Wall Street Week alone? What's wrong with that? It's just not done.
I mean, I mean, Wall Street Week is event television.
It's something you got to share with your loved ones.
I'd rather caught in Bloomingdale's in a house dress and flip-flops.
Mom? Mommy? Come on, I mean, we haven't we haven't spent a lot of quality time together recently.
Now's not the time to start, honey.
Hey, Pop, guess it's just us men then, huh? I think there's a light on in the attic.
Somewhere, kilowatts are escaping.
Wait, what are we doing? We're abandoning our firstborn in his hour of need.
Oh, come on, Mom, it's fun.
- Well, let's sit down with him.
- All right.
- ALEX: Hey! All right! - How bad can it be? Wall Street Week? Well, could be worse.
It could be one of your dad's documentaries.
So, uh, what do we do? Just, uh, just sit and watch it? No, no, no, no.
You sit back, relax, let it envelop you whisk you away into the magical world of finance.
Here we go.
ANNOUNCER: Throughout the ages, man has found a need to have some medium of exchange.
So true.
That is so true.
ANNOUNCER: Early man used shiny stones for this purpose.
On the other hand, you might find more solace in the report by a Vanderbilt University psychologist (Alex mutters, laughs) Look at that graph.
Chic-a-chic-a-boom.
Hey, we are back, and we had a great time at the mall.
- Yeah, and I got a T-shirt.
- ALEX: Wow! That-that's great, that's great, Andy look, you're late.
Wall Street Week's already started.
Look, Alex, Rocco bought me this great truck.
Oh, that-that was real nice of you, Rocco, but you didn't have to get that for Andy.
I had some spare dough.
Oh, hey, I almost forgot.
We made a special stop at the earring booth (all screaming) I bought these for Mal.
Oh.
What, they're too busy? ALEX: All right Okay, Andy, you missed the beginning of the show, but you're in luck.
I taped it; I'll watch it again later with you, if you want.
Wait a minute, Alex, you're using the VCR and the television at the same time? Now, that's it, no more electricity for you.
- Did you? - Come on, Steven.
It's time for your nap.
You can dream about an electricity-free world.
Look, Elyse, somewhere in this house there is current flowing.
Well, it's not in your brain.
Come on, Andy, let's go play truck convoy in your room.
- NICK: Yeah, let's go.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Andy.
- (Nick imitates truck revving) - Andy, Andy, don't you want to watch the show? I could watch that any time.
I want to go upstairs and play truckers.
Why don't you come up and help us, Alex? You can watch for smokies.
You don't want to play truckers, do you? Yes, I do.
It's fun.
ANNOUNCER: from the world's biggest creditor nation to its biggest debtor.
(Alex sighs) ANNOUNCER: And the only way we got away with it was that foreigners seemed to like our Well, I'm glad I caught you all in here together.
Do you know what this is? I'm not gonna fall for this one again, Dad.
This is the water bill.
Now, what are you people doing bathing in the stuff? Well, I know I'm not the problem.
I take a shower every morning for 35 minutes.
To be exact A personal best.
Elyse, I clocked it Steven, don't tell me you timed my shower! Jennifer Yes, Daddy? Jennifer, you came in at a little over an hour.
Morning and evening.
I like to think in the shower.
Twice a day? Well, in the morning, I plan out my day, and at night, I recap it.
Well, from now on, think with the water off.
Well, I'll try, but it'll be hard to consider it a shower under those circumstances.
Dismissed.
Did you really need 15 minutes, Elyse? I wish I could say I'm not disappointed.
I'm getting dressed.
Please excuse me.
You can't say she's not polite.
Hey, have you guys seen Andy? Yeah, he's out with Nick and Rocco.
The three of them went down to the interstate to eat at a truck stop.
Yeah, it was Rocco's idea.
He can only digest fried foods.
All right, okay is it just me, or do you guys notice a change in Andy? What do you mean, a change? It's like his personality's had a lube job.
Well, I think he's having a lot of fun with Rocco and Nick, if that's what you mean.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Uh, what else? What are you trying to get at, Alex? All right, okay, I know this is gonna sound crazy but I get the feeling that Andy's not that interested in me anymore.
I mean, it's ridiculous, I know, but it-it's almost like he finds me boring.
You?! Come on.
Boring? Never.
Annoying, yes.
Stuffy, absolutely.
Pompous, you bet.
Okay, but not boring.
Um I don't know if you guys were-were young boys around Andy's age, I mean, wouldn't you find me exciting? I mean, someone to look up to, someone to emulate.
I'm not sure what emulate means, but I'm going with a no.
I do know what emulate means, and I'm also going with no.
Look, Alex, don't worry.
Andy's just being exposed to something he's never seen before with you: Fun.
And he's finding it exciting.
But look, soon Rocco will leave, and Andy will have no choice but to hang out with you again.
Thanks, Mal.
If it's any consolation, I'm still fascinated by you.
(phone ringing) Hello.
Uh, no, Jennifer's not here right now.
Yeah.
She'll call you back.
Uh, no uh, wait, wait.
She'll write you a letter.
You know what I have here? A list of your favorite foods? No, this is our phone bill.
(Alex sighs) Very large phone bill.
Dad, I hardly ever use the phone No, no, no, no, it's not it's not you, Alex.
And it's not me.
(Steven sniffs) It's those chatty women we live with.
Magpies.
- Dad - I've-I've I've watched them, Alex.
Yack, yack, yack, yack, yack.
Long pause, then yack, yack, yack, yack, yack.
Again.
(Steven laughs) (Alex laughs) They don't care.
You're one foot out the window, Dad.
I'm not kidding.
(Nick imitates brakes squealing) (Nick imitates engine revving) STEVEN: Hey, guys.
- How was the grease? - Oh, it was great.
Great! You know what? You got to come to the diner with us.
They got this new deep fryer.
Makes everything taste like chicken.
Sorry I missed it.
We brought you something.
For me? Well, I'll cherish it.
What is it? It's a truck cab deodorizer.
How did you know? (inhales) We got something for you, too, Mr.
K.
- Huh? Oh.
- (Nick clears his throat) Oh, what's this? Well, we're not sure.
You know, it's either fish sticks, of French fries.
But it's gonna taste like chicken.
Hey, Alex, we're going to the dirt bike race now.
You want to come? It's loud, noisy and dirty.
(imitates revving engine) Ah, well, that's-that's a hard offer to turn down, but, uh, I think I'm gonna give that a pass.
- Okay.
See you later.
- ALEX: All right.
(Nick, Rocco and Andrew imitate engines revving) Okay.
(laughs) Dad, is this not driving you crazy? Well, it's the thought that counts.
Dad, don't you know what's going on here? I mean, you-you've been so busy cutting down costs, you haven't even noticed.
Dad, we're losing our son.
Oh, sure, when he does something bad, it's our son, huh? What-what what seems to be the problem, Alex? I don't know.
I mean, it's STEVEN: What? Ever since Rocco came into Andy's life, I mean, it's nothing but-but games, toys, fun, fun, fun.
Is that the kind of six-year-old that you want? Want? Well-well, when it comes to the behavior of my children, want is something I gave up a long time ago.
Well, what do you mean? Well, take you, for instance.
Um, when you were first born, as you know, we called you Moonbeam.
- Yeah, all right.
Shh! Shh! - Well You wore love beads.
Yeah, yeah, right.
(clears throat) Tie-dyed pajamas with a little flap in the back.
You listened to Woody Guthrie, Pete Seeger.
You were a child of the earth.
Laughing, loving, sharing.
Caring.
Then one day, you snapped.
What are you getting at, Dad? You have to be careful with Andy.
You push too hard, you'll lose him.
Then you'll have to wait for him to come back.
That's how it was with you.
All right, so, uh so when did I come back? We're still waiting.
This land is your land This land is my land Nah Do you know what this is? THE FAMILY: A bill.
STEVEN: That's right.
It's the gas bill.
Steven this house is heated with oil.
The only thing in this house that runs on gas is the kitchen stove.
That bill can't be more than $15.
Yes, but I think with a little efficiency, we can shave off $1.
50.
- What? - Steven Yes? Yes, Elyse? You really do need to seek professional help.
Do you know what that will cost? All right, Andy! You ready to head out to the dirt bike races? - I sure am.
- All right, buddy.
Hey, uh, how about you, Alex? You sure you don't want to come? Ah, no, I don't think I'm gonna make it this time.
But you guys go ahead, have a great time.
I'll stay here and hold down the fort.
You know, Alex, you're not exactly my type of guy, but for the kind of guy you are, you're okay.
Well, thanks, Rocco.
Underneath that layer of 10-40 oil you're a pretty good guy yourself.
All right, we're out of here.
Come on anybody else coming, huh? Yeah, I'd love to come; I've never been.
Oh, Mal, you're gonna love it.
Tonight they are crowning the Mud Queen.
Hey, uh, how about you, Jen? You want to come? Are you kidding? I never miss a mud coronation.
(Steven laughs) Hey, Alex, you want to come? Uh, no, pal.
Uh, I think I'm gonna pass.
But you go and have a good time, and when you come home, you tell me all about it, okay? - ANDY: Okay.
- All right, bye-bye.
NICK: Come on, Andy.
Come on, let's go! - ALEX: See you later! - Bye-bye.
(sighs) Well, you did the right thing, Alex.
You showed some real grace, there.
Ah you know.
Want him to be happy.
You know, sometimes, honey, you're a little hard on him.
Sometimes you're a little intense with him, but I-I'd really rather it be that way than have you just ignore him.
You know, if you're gonna make a mistake with him, it's gonna be out of love.
There's nothing like a mom.
What can I say? Hey (door opens) - ANDY: Hi.
- Hey.
What's up? You forget something? No, I just decided to stay home.
What? Hey, you all right? You feeling okay? You eat too many of those chicken fish sticks? I'm fine; I'd just rather be with you, that's all.
Really? Uh I mean, 'cause you know, I-I don't want to force you into anything.
You're not.
I really missed you.
Wow.
No kidding.
What, specifically, did you miss? Don't press me.
All right.
All right, all right.
I missed you, too, buddy.
I missed you big.
I love you, Alex.
I love you, too.
And, hey I'll tell you what: You tell me what you want to do right now, we'll do it.
I'd really like to play truckers.
Hey.
All right, truckers it is.
Okay.
Oh, hey, um can I be president of the truck company? Sure, no problem.
I'm chairman of the board.
MAN: Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(Ubu barks)