Futurama s07e03 Episode Script

Bender: "Free beer"?! (Panting) Free beer.
Free beer.
Free beer.
Free beer.
Free beer-beer-beer-beer-beer- beer-beer-beer-beer-beer! Free! (Birds squawk) (Grunts) (People scream) (Grunts) Hello.
I'm here for the free beer.
You got it.
Right after these 800 people get it.
Beer, beer-beer, beer-beer.
("Stars And Stripes Forever" plays) Beer? Ah yeah! (Cheers, applause) Thank you, headless clone of Agnew.
My fellow Earthicans, I'm proud to announce I'm running for reelection as Ppresident of Earth, the greatest planet in the world.
(Cheering) Is everyone enjoying their free beer? (Cheering) Well, there's plenty more where that came from.
(Air hisses) We're all out of beer.
(Gulping) All right, listen up, nitwits.
Who here is tired of illegal space aliens taking our good earth jobs? (Crowd cheers) Me, too.
So, if I'm reelected, I promise to build a really big Dyson fence across the Southern border of our solar system.
(Cheering) And furthermore, by golly, for aquarium gravel.
Yeah! That'll show those poor! Why are you cheering, Fry? You're not rich.
True, but someday I might be rich.
And then people like me better watch their step.
(Sighs) Let's just find Bender.
(Gulping) Ah, that hit the spot.
I found Bender! Good news, everyone.
(Stammers) Wha? I've repaired myself with these convenient "Reelect Nixon" ass stickers.
Go Nixon! Bender, you can't even vote.
You're a convicted felon.
Convicted, sentenced and executed.
But Nixon passed a law that says ex-cons can vote again As long as they vote for Nixon.
But Nixon's the worst president in history and alternate history.
The rest of you aren't voting for him, are you? Sure, we are! Why not? Of course! Spluh! He may not be perfect, but do we really want some unknown new guy? I'll stick with the evil maniac I know, thank you.
Well, I think we can do better.
This year, I'm going to get involved in the political process and make my voice heard.
What? Welcome to debate 3012, the 3,012th debate of the 3012 election year.
We have a crowded field of candidates, so I will dispense with the informal terrorizing and begin the questions.
Is this the political process? 'cause I'm here to get involved in it.
Silence! Question one: Will you pledge today to somehow reduce taxes while simultaneously lowering the deficit? Hey, that's a good idea.
Sure.
If it'll win me the election, then yes.
We have a saying up in Alaska.
That's all.
Senator Travers? Look, let's be honest here.
No one likes taxes, but they pay for our basic needs: Roads, schools, defense.
If we hope to realize our aspirations as a great planet, we must each pay our fair share to achieve those noble goals.
(Booing) Thank you, Senator.
A thoughtful and lucid answer.
You will be destroyed! Question two: The environment, yes or no? No.
It's junk science.
Two words: Condor attack.
Don't want that.
Got to say no.
Now, just a minute.
These are important issues.
We can't just reduce them to sound bites.
(Booing) According to reputable scientists (Booing) Enviromite! (Cheering) Hello? I'd like to volunteer.
Is anyone lurking? (Grunting) Hey, stop that.
Senator Travers? That's no way to win an election.
(Sighs) I give up.
No one cares about my message.
I never should have used the same pr guy as one hour hot dog.
(Slowly): People will wait for something good.
No, don't quit.
You have great ideas.
You just need to get them out there with social media.
(Device chirps) Look, I posted your debate video on Facebag.
That's more than most water-skiing squirrels get.
You really think I have a chance? Absolutely.
We just need to conceal your intelligence and honesty in a hipper, dumber package.
Well, what have I got to lose? I'm making you my new campaign manager.
You, out! You haven't heard the last of m Reporter: As the Iowa caucus approaches, the state's hippest citizens turned out for an old-fashioned flash mob.
Morbo: Chris Travers got a bump in the new Hampshire polls today, where he simuldined in 250 diners at once via hologram.
This pie at this diner is the best pie.
(Cheering) Reporter: Chris Travers wins the South California primary handily, thanks to a series of well-placed cameo appearances.
Morbo: Super Tuesday is in the books, with Eurasia, Australia and Kentucky turning out in big numbers.
With the race a dead heat, it's all come down to a final tally at the convention.
Calculon: And the first runner-up, who will take over if the nominee is caught with a dead girl, a live boy or any kind of sexy ghost Mr.
Greenland! (Gasps) (Applause) Which means our nominee is the Senator from the nation-state of Hawaii, Chris Travers! (Applause and cheering) He won the nomination! We the people did it! It wasn't "we the people".
It was you the mutant.
Your insightful nagging really won us over.
Yeah.
You explained his positions in a way even an idiot could understand.
And that appealed to me, for whatever reason.
Thanks, guys, but we have a lot of work ahead of us.
If we're going to win the election, we've all got to get involved.
You said it! That's right.
If you want my opinion, Nixon's only chance to defeat Travers is with filthy lies, dirty tricks and good old Quaker thuggery.
And I'm just the guy for the job.
(Laughs) (Both laugh) (Both howling) I'm not sure if it's safe to talk.
Are you wearing a wire? I'm 40% wire.
Excellent.
Now, listen.
We got to get some dirt on this Travers guy.
Really McGovern him up.
You know who McGovern was, right? I don't even know who you are.
Hello, dirt.
I'll start at "n" for nude pictures.
Aw, Nobel prize? That's no good.
How about "a" for adultery? What? Straight-a transcript? Travers: Hey, what's that rifling sound? Uh-oh.
(Gulps) (Moans) (Zipping) (Whirring) All right.
I'm going to catch Travers on video at this sleazy strip club.
In and out of the club That's a record.
Where's Travers? All I see is you going in and out.
Yeah, me.
I set the record.
(Groans) This is as useless as those pictures you photoshopped.
Look, just give me one more chance.
I got a source.
Well, you did manage to get a tremendous urine sample.
Let's not talk about that.
(Metal clanks) Is that you, big throat? In the flesh.
(Giggles) Listen, I need some dirt on Senator Chris Travers.
How quaint.
But I suppose I should do my part for political intercourse.
Come closer, and I'll expose what I know.
There's nothing.
He's as clean as a freshly waxed buttock.
Hey! Did you put your tongue in my ear? Certainly not.
I don't have a tongue.
Oh, good.
'cause I don't have an ear.
(Squirrel chittering) Come on, come on, fall.
Fall, damn it, fall! (Door opens) Well? What did you get on Travers? Is he a draft dodger? Sex offender? Sex dodger? Nada.
He's clean.
I'm sorry, but there's not one unusual thing about Senator Chris Zaxxar Travers.
Wait, wait.
His middle name is Zaxxar? Sounds kind of alien.
The voters hate aliens.
They sure do, but this guy's as human as you or me.
I don't care what he is.
We'll start a rumor that he's an alien.
Hey, yeah.
That'll cost him votes.
Then, when he says he was born on this planet, we make him cough up his earth certificate.
Keep it on the news, put him on the defensive.
Oh, this is sneaky.
I feel a jowl movement coming on.
(Howls) And that's how you end hunger.
Does anyone have any questions? I do, I do! Me, Bender! Yes, the robot with the megaphone jumping up and down.
I have a question for Senator c.
Zaxxar Travers.
(Crowd murmurs) Tell me, Zaxxar Were you even born on earth? Because the earth constitution clearly states that only people born on earth can be president.
Isn't that right, Justice Ruth Dader Ginsburg? You Ruth Bader believe it! But-but I Of course I was born on earth.
Oh, really? Then we voters demand you release your earth certificate so I can then claim it's a fake.
I'm not going to dignify this preposterous charge.
Are there any real questions? Scoop Chang, fox quote-unquote news.
Senator, in the last ten seconds, I've heard reports you weren't actually born on earth.
Care to evade these compelling charges? No.
I mean, yes.
I mean (Growls) Okay, let's nip this earther movement in the bud by releasing your earth certificate.
Where were you born? Our lady of patriotism hospital.
Patriotism, good.
Where is it? Kenya.
Cradle of humanity.
Leel this is just a stupid distraction from the issues.
Please don't look for my earth certificate.
Hey! That was my favorite window.
I better see what they want.
Crowd (Chanting): We want an earthling, not a dirty space thing! Why are you rednecks doing this? Leela, don't stereotype.
Why are you yokels doing this? I may be just a backwoods septic tank, but I've had it up to here with you foreigners.
But I come from earth.
Then show us yer earth whatchacallit.
Long-form certificate of live birth.
(Sighs) What would it take to convince you people? Would I have to have been born right before your eyes? It wouldn't hurts.
Hit it, rubes! Crowd (Chanting): We don't want a foreigner! We want someone born here! Ah, I'm still working on that one.
(Shouts, sputters) What's wrong with you? Why are you sabotaging a decent, honest candidate? 'cause they won't let me near the hoover dam anymore.
Ooh.
What a bunch of xenophobes.
It's time to find Senator Travers' earth certificate and put an end to this nonsense.
Who wants to help me break into the hospital in Kenya? I'll come.
As long as there's no xenophobes there.
(Shudders) I want to come, too.
You? Why? To prove that I can put divisive partisan politics aside to participate in a break-in.
Hospital ho! (Grunting) (Grunting) (Hoofbeats approach) Shh.
It's a herd of night watchmen.
(Gasps) I found it! I don't understand.
There's no earth certificate in here.
Travers: No, there isn't.
(All gasp) I told you not to look.
So, you're not from earth after all.
Of course I'm from earth.
Wait a second.
There's no earth certificate, but it does say your mother was admitted to the maternity ward this morning! (Gasps) (Sighs) I should have known the truth would come out sooner or later.
The fact is, I really was born on earth tomorrow.
You see, I'm not from another planet.
I'm from the future.
(Gasping) (Gagging) This is crazy.
You're from the future? Yes.
I was sent back from the year 3028 to prevent Nixon from getting elected.
I was sent forward from the year 2000, but you don't hear me gassing on about it.
But why would it be so important to stop Nixon? Because of the horrific events he's going to set in motion.
(Sobbing): Oh, God.
I can't bring myself to describe it.
Oh, well.
Want to hear about how I got frozen? (Sniffs) Not really.
Travers: It all started with Nixon's promise to build an alien-proof fence around the solar system.
Without cheap alien labor for menial jobs like harvesting crops, teaching math and curing disease, the economy collapsed.
Starvation.
Desperation.
Despair.
So far, so good.
Then what? Travers: Unable to feed the world's starving masses, Nixon took bold action.
In this time of crisis, I call upon the soylent major I mean silent majority.
(Cheering) (Screaming) Still good.
Travers: With the working class gone, robots were forced to do all the menial labor.
Before long, they rose up in revolt Led by a bending unit named B.
B.
Rodriguez.
(Laughs evilly) Bender: Wait I know a robot named B.
B.
Rodriguez! Wait I am a robot named B.
B.
Rodriguez.
So, I become ruler of earth? Indeed.
Yes! In your face, high school guidance counselor.
Travers: The robots crushed our most treasured monuments and celebrities, but they couldn't crush the human spirit.
We went into hiding, and after careful research, located a xeroxed copy of an ancient time travel code.
Though I was only 15, mankind entrusted me with its last remaining suit and tie and sent me back in time.
I would be raised by my grandparents, somehow get into Harvard law school, become a community organizer, a Senator and finally Defeat Richard Nixon.
I escaped just as the robots arrived.
All right, I'm low on bullets.
Everybody scooch together.
It's not too late.
You can still win the election.
No, I can't.
The Earthers are right.
I have no earth certificate.
But you will have one in just a few hours.
And everyone will know it's real, cause we'll broadcast your birth on live TV.
If it's on TV, it has to be real.
Morbo: Morbo interrupts "Bowling For Quatloos" to present breaking coverage of the birth of Senator Chris Traver we now go live to the delivery room, where we're already at there.
(Moans) Ow! Back, please.
She needs room.
Thanks.
Not you.
The camerawoman needs room.
This is it, ladies and gentlemen.
The candidate is I believe he's crowning! Push, mom, push.
You can do it.
I bet nothing comes out.
Just you watch.
Here comes the head.
And now the neck.
Linda, I'm down here at the pelvis, and folks round these parts can't remember the last time a time-traveling Senator attended his own birth.
Back to you.
Thanks, Morbo.
You be careful down there.
(Baby crying) Linda: And the candidate is born! We have a birth Repeat, we have a birth.
(Gasping, faint cheering) Aw he's got his own eyes.
Well, who'd have thunk it.
He was born all right, just like he said.
And with the polls now closed in every time zone worldwide, from Tomorrowland to the Republic of yesterday, we are able to declare a winner.
Chris Travers, who leapt backwards in time and ahead in the polls, has defeated Richard Nixon.
(Cheering) Leela: He did it! He did it! Yes! Congratulations, Mr.
president.
It's all thanks to you, Leela.
You stood by me and exposed my private medical records, even after I begged you not to.
Aw, thanks.
Now, get up to that podium and change the world.
Too bad your pal Xon lost, Bender.
You must be pretty glorked off.
Nope.
I don't give a bag of butts who won the election.
Nothing's going to change.
What? How can you say that? Watch and learn.
My fellow Earthicans, I am honored and humbled to stand before you tonight as your next president.
Together, we will Hey, what's-what's going on? What's happening? (Murmuring) You see, since Nixon wasn't elected, the robot uprising didn't happen and Travers never got sent back from the future.
It's politics 101.
(Screams) And the votes are in.
Richard Nixon, running unopposed, has been reelected by a narrow landslide.
Say what? My fellow Earthicans, I am honored and humbled to gloat before you tonight as your next president.
Wow, it really doesn't matter who you vote for.
At least we tried to make a difference by supporting Senator Senator What was his name again? Uh, I don't remember.
We never even left this building.
What? Nixon always wins!