Grace and Frankie (2015) s07e03 Episode Script

1 You outdid yourself, Grace.
That tofu parmigiana was spectacular.
- What is your secret? - Chicken.
Thank you for a wonderful dinner.
After you saved us from the wrath of your insurance company, it's the least we could do.
I won't feel guilty taking the last few bites.
Oh, no, no, no, I was saving that for the cats.
- We don't have cats.
- We will if I leave this outside.
Can I borrow your charger, Grace? Your phone is at 87%.
What's wrong with my charger? My charger is your charger.
Oh.
Can I use it after Sol's done? Incoming! Well I don't wanna seem ungrateful, but don't you think you should wash the casserole dish? You always re-washed the dishes when I washed them, so I figured I'd just skip that step.
Aren't you gays supposed to be a tidy bunch? When someone makes a thank-you meal, it seems like the "thank you" should include cleaning up.
We did clean up.
This is a whole new shebang.
Fine.
I'll wash it.
Oh, well, thank you.
Just gonna let it soak.
Oh, that motherfucker.
He slid another plate under the casserole dish.
- Be strong.
- One squirt.
- Give me that.
- No.
That's how it starts.
With just a squirt.
Before you know it, another squirt.
Then here a squirt, there a squirt, everywhere a squirt-squirt.
- You sound like a dirty nursery rhyme.
- Hmm.
Oh, my God, Grace.
Don't panic.
But you're old.
Your roots are showing.
Yeah, Frankie.
That's what happens when you stop dyeing your hair.
How Frankie Bergstein of you.
You are Grace Hanson, are you not? That's exactly the point.
This is who I really am.
Since when? Since I stopped letting the color of my hair dictate how young or old I feel.
So no more facelifts either? TBD.
Oh, God.
My phone is at 4%.
That inconsiderate Muppet unplugged it.
Let's see if he washes that.
- So where are you going? - To my happy place.
- Prison.
- You are the only person I know who escapes into prison.
I love prison.
It's totally changed my relationship with Nick.
He's always happy to see me, and if he starts to annoy me, I just yell, "Guard!" and they whisk him away.
I'm wondering, maybe that would work for Robert and Sol.
Guard! I know, Dad.
It sucks, Dad.
Speak to you about it in 20 minutes when you call again, Dad.
Who you talking to? He calls at 20 and 40 past the hour to complain about my mother.
Then she calls, and by the time she's done, - it's time for him to call.
- You know, the doctor says less stress means less eczema.
- You should stop answering your phone.
- I know, I know.
I know.
We'll surprise them with a Wiffle Waffle brunch.
Wiffle Waffle what? Wiffle Waffle brunch is an ancient Bergstein-Hanson tradition dating back to the late '90s.
Your family has more brunches than any family in history.
Wiffle Waffle brunch is no ordinary brunch.
Everybody gets jacked up on syrup, they'll remember how much they love each other, all beefs get squashed, everybody stops calling Bud.
Hi, Mom.
I know, Mom.
It sucks, Mom.
That last house.
Ooh! That was the one.
Like the house from Up, right? And that retro avocado kitchen and picket fence and yellow front door? Yellow is for happy people.
And two schools right in the neighborhood.
You know what that means, right? - Sex offenders.
- Families.
Come on, Brianna.
Look, I love that house.
You've been rejecting everything.
- Are we seriously looking for a house? - Yes.
I just don't wanna live in a place where you have neighbors and sidewalks and mailmen and neighbors.
Like a bunker? That sounds good, right? No.
I like talking to Fred.
- Who the hell is Fred? - He's our mailman.
- The guy in shorts and the safari hat? - Oh, God.
I don't know how to explain this, but wherever we move to, our mail's gonna be delivered by someone.
So will you please go back to that house after brunch and give it another look? - Fine.
- Thank you.
If you tell Fred to put on some pants.
What's happening? What's happening? Where are all my Ray Donovans? You were out of storage space, so I cleaned them up.
You don't do the cleaning up, that's Ray's job! And stop eating my Abba-Zabas.
You have 8 million boxes.
If you want some, put on a costume and see me October 31st.
No, no, no! Stop that dog! Who's my strong, little boy? That's my Jerry Garcia sneaker! Frankie, I'm back from the slammer.
Anhalten! Stick your finger up his butt.
His mouth will release! What else might release is what I'm worried about.
Robert, why is your minor-league theater trinket where my ship should be? Grace, the Tappy is one of the theater's most coveted awards.
- It's a painted shoe.
- You're just jealous.
What have you ever won? This house.
- Do something! - Does Carl want a treat? - Robert does.
- Give him your shoe.
This should work.
- These are my best Huaraches.
- For God's sake, let him have this.
Grace, no! - Surprise! - Fetch! No! My Tappy! - What's that? - What the hell? Get back here! Guys, what's going on? What are you doing here? We brought brunch! Leave it in the kitchen on your way out.
Bud, okay, let's listen to your mother.
I listen to her complain all day.
That's why we're here.
Today is all about family.
Hey, the butt thing worked! Would anyone mind if I wash this dish or make a call? No.
Mom told me not to let anyone touch that dish - or she'll cast a spell on you.
- She's powerful too.
She turned me into a bitch.
Since I'm the newcomer, what's the oral history - on a Wiffle Waffle brunch? - Good question.
- And thanks for caring.
- Stop caring.
The tradition started when we were kids.
We'd, uh, have waffles together, and then we'd all play wiffle ball on the beach.
But in the third inning of the first game, my mom accidentally hit their mom over the head with the wiffle bat.
- It was a disaster.
- Far from it.
The bat was light, and Mom's turban was thick.
So we're not playing wiffle ball? No, Wiffle Waffle isn't about the wiffle anymore, Barry.
Why'd I bring my cleats? The important thing is, you brought your enthusiasm.
We're gonna need it.
Because today is about being there for one another.
And everyone getting off my back.
I'm confused.
Why did the families always have brunch if Grace and Frankie couldn't stand each other? The dads wanted us to be together at least one Sunday a month.
So after waffles, they would go and work on their model airplanes.
I didn't know that.
- Did you ever work on it with them? - No.
In fact, I never even saw a model airplane.
They were boning.
Do I have to explain everything? Are there even waffles? Hi.
- Hey, Dad.
- There she is.
My new favorite gal.
With one of my sons.
Aw, your favorite son.
My favorite white son.
Hey, Coyote.
Hey, Bud's ex.
Oh.
Hey, Rihanna.
Well done.
Game recognizes game.
So tell me, tell me: Did you get the house? - What house? - Doesn't matter.
We lost it.
It was perfect.
This little cottage with this cute stone walkway and this picket fence.
- Sorry.
I - Better get him some tissues - before he uses a waffle.
- I think I used all the tissues to clean my finger, but I'll check.
Hey, so, bummer, big bums about the house.
But you know what they say, when one door closes, a yellow door opens.
I don't think that's the saying.
No, she's right.
Just look.
Wow, it's adorable.
- Are you guys making an offer? - I wish.
- Barry hates it.
- What? Why? - It's like the house from Up.
- That's what I said.
It even has a picket fence.
You know Barry.
He hates fences.
Anyhoo.
I'll text you the listing.
But don't bring it up at brunch.
If I keep talking about it, Coyote's not gonna be the only one crying.
I'm glad we're all here.
I'm bummed that Mallory didn't wanna Skype in from San Francisco, but I didn't know being Skyped in was an option.
Here we are.
So our first Wiffle Waffle brunch since our last Wiffle Waffle brunch.
Who wants to share their favorite Wiffle Waffle memory? This one's my favorite.
So far.
Come on, everybody, memories! Don't be shy.
Mom? Nothing comes to mind.
- Mom, please? - Fine.
I remember when Robert choked on a kiwi and Grace had to Heimlich him by throwing him over a chair.
And broke my rib.
And broke my chair.
Classic.
- Ooh, I've got a funny one.
- No, you don't.
No, you don't.
Sure I do.
Remember that time that that seagull went after Dad's eyebrows? That was funny.
- See, that's a chuckle from Grace.
- Grace always laughs at my pain.
Who else? Okay, me again.
Ooh.
Yes, remember when Coyote was super on drugs and put his hands in the waffle batter? Remember the time Coyote was super on drugs and went to the wrong house and ate their waffles? Remember the time that the whale exploded and Coyote was covered in blubber bits? I don't remember any of that.
Probably 'cause you were on drugs.
- I remember when Grace killed Bud's - Ah! Robert.
spirit.
- Isn't that every brunch? - I have an un-killable spirit.
- Ask Allison.
- He's very good in bed.
Take that, Grace.
Wait.
Can we go back to the "Mom killed something" story? - I'm killing this conversation right now.
- You had to be there.
No fair.
Uh-uh.
You already started.
Yeah, tell us.
It has been a long time, and there is a statute of limitations, right? Oh, dear God.
I am leaning in.
It must have been 25 years ago.
It was nothing, really.
- Just a little incident.
- Accident.
A little accident.
It all started when we got to the beach house that day and Grace stepped in a little of Bud's Bunny's poop.
It was no big deal.
You stupid, fucking, disgusting, dirty, poop-everywhere rabbit! Robert! Rob Robert! Dear Lord, Grace.
What have you done? You killed Bud's Bunny? I yelled at it a little - bit.
- You yelled it to death.
Can you yell something to death? I don't think so.
- My dad's still alive.
- No, it's a real thing.
I lost a bird that way.
Miss you, Chick Jagger.
You are a murderer, Grace.
- Guard! - Your hands aren't clean either.
You lied to me about what happened.
We couldn't find the bunny.
We had to tell you something.
Bud, you should also know, you're not their biological child.
You told me my prowess as a magician made that bunny disappear.
I made the bunny disappear.
No body, no conviction.
- What'd you do with ? - Let's just say, it's good it's high tide.
We looked for that poor bunny all day.
- And you helped us.
- I had to commit.
I'm an actor.
Yeah, you're a regular Jessica Chastain.
And you, you stood there and watched us lie to our son.
That's not on us.
That's on you.
We never told you to make your son think he was David Copperfield.
He needed something to fill the void after he got cut from cheer squad.
You try being the bottom of the pyramid.
I can't believe, after all these years, you've never owned up to it.
In my defense, I didn't want to.
Is this the togetherness you were longing for? Wait.
When we got back to the beach house that day, you two weren't even here yet.
- How was that possible? - Let it go, Sol.
It's not like it was the cover-up of the century.
What we need here is the cover-up of the century.
Oh, I know.
Give me the rabbit poop.
What? What are you doing? I just cleaned that.
I'm making it look like Bud's Bunny made a run for it.
In that case, my heart thanks you for leaving a trail of shit through my house, but my mouth refuses to.
Okay, we gotta hightail it out of here before they get back.
- Yeah.
- We need to split up and rendezvous at Starbucks to get our story straight.
- We took one car.
- You walk.
So you stayed at Starbucks until you were sure we were back at the beach house.
And then you came in after us so you'd look innocent.
- Genius, right? - This is worse than Watergate.
The premeditation.
- The planning.
- You didn't even bring us coffee.
I've got to say, I am shocked to my core.
Are family brunches always like this? It's been my experience, yes.
- Stop scratching.
- I can't.
I told every girl I met up until the age of 25 that I really made a rabbit disappear.
Actually, you were 33 when you told me.
This lie changed the course of my whole life.
I only went to magic camp because I thought I had extraordinary talent.
But my heart wasn't in it.
I wanted to go to the stand-up comedy camp like the cool kids.
On the bright side, you became a successful divorce lawyer.
Great.
Now I make people cry instead of laugh.
I laugh at you.
My way less funny friend, John Mulaney, went to that stand-up camp, - and look where he is now.
- I'm sorry.
What we did was wrong.
And there's no excuse.
But I do have an excuse.
Robert and I only had one day to enjoy the beach house.
Why would you have only one day? We had to clear out so you could have your big M'Challah celebration.
And we did not wanna ruin your M'Challah.
Am I still pronouncing it wrong? - It's a little more phlegmy.
- M'Challah.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
What's M'Challah? Uh, it's, uh - It's a Jewish holiday.
- I'm Jewish.
I've never heard of it.
It's a lesser-known holiday that moves around the Jewish calendar.
I was so jealous of Bud and Coyote.
It always seemed to fall on Presidential Fitness Day at school.
It also landed when we had to do our quarterly taxes.
And once when we got that audit.
It's weird 'cause M'Challah always landed on my birthday.
I just Googled it.
The only thing that comes up is a bar in Puerto Rico.
Oh, my God.
You made it up.
You made up a holiday to get out of doing stuff with us for years.
No, that does not sound like us.
Do you know how many judges and opposing lawyers I wished a "happy M'Challah"? I'm gonna go wash that casserole dish.
Sit down.
Hold on.
Are you telling me M'Challah isn't real? - It's the celebration of bread! - Yeah.
We prayed, lit candles, then broke fast with M'Challah challah.
Okay, fine.
We made it up.
- But all families make up holidays.
- No families make up holidays.
- Yes, they do.
- No, they don't.
This is insane.
I refused to take the bar exam because it fell on M'Challah.
Let's be honest.
You weren't ready.
Is this why I was kicked out of Hebrew school? Because I insisted there was M'Challah? Hebrew school, yes.
Third grade, no.
Well, well, well.
Isn't this an interesting turn of events? Oh, no.
Our thing isn't nearly as bad as your thing.
Oh, my penis! My penis! My penis! His thing seems way worse than your things.
- Are you okay? - Does he seem okay? - His penis is bothering him.
- Forget me, you guys keep having fun.
We're going home.
Goodbye, everyone.
I gotta go.
Why can't you get a pain in your penis so I can leave? I have a hemorrhoid.
Want me to announce that? Guess what.
The realtor texted us.
We can look at that house with the yellow door.
- Unless you wanna stay.
- Nope.
I'm good.
You told them about the house? Did I? Men, am I right? Don't suppose now is a good time to talk about who's cleaning up? I know you're pissed, but you just sped through a yellow light.
- Like you sped through a yellow door.
- I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have gone behind your back.
I just hated that house.
You promised me we'd go back! We still can.
I know that when you say you're open, you mean you're not really open.
Hello, I'm Brianna.
Look I'm sorry.
I'm just really attached to my house.
I always thought one day, God willing, the authorities would find my body there.
Hello, I'm Barry, and don't I deserve to be found dead in a place of my own too? But I like modern, and you like anything that's not good.
So we need to land somewhere between "anything that's not good" and modern.
Okay.
I can compromise.
You do realize if you compromise, you're only gonna get 95% of what you want, right? Yes.
And I am okay with that.
Look how about you pick the neighborhood and I pick the house? That seems fair.
Deal.
Obviously, it depends on the neighborhood.
Obviously.
Tell the doctor how much it hurts.
Oh, she knows.
She heard you scream your dick is on fire.
Uh-huh.
Huh.
Huh.
Okay.
Well, thank you.
Good news.
The picture really helped.
She's seen this before.
And? Well, she can't say this legally because you have to come in, but she's pretty sure that your eczema is strangling your penis.
- And where is the good news? - It's totally fixable.
- So what? I need an antibiotic? - Not necessary.
- A soothing ointment? - No.
What is the plan here? She thinks you're gonna need a circumcision.
I think I'm gonna need a second opinion.
Killing our bunny and throwing its body in the ocean, who does that? The people we live with and owls.
Big deal.
We accidentally killed a rabbit once.
They repeatedly celebrated a fake holiday to stay away from us.
M'Challah.
As in the bread? Like making up a Christian holiday called "Christmistletoe.
" They methodically engineered a cover-up.
She killed an animal with her bare voice.
You know how you always used to say she was Cruella de Vil? This is the proof.
It's not like she was gonna make a coat out of the bunny.
How do you know? We never found a body.
She's not the devil, Sol.
Give her a break.
Are you forgetting how awful she was to you? No.
But I did make up a holiday and lie to my children about it just to avoid her.
I had plenty of things I wanted to get out of.
I wish I'd thought of M'Challah.
You hated Frankie so much, I'm surprised you didn't.
- I was pretty awful to her.
- You weren't so great to me either.
But she didn't deserve it.
If Grace had known what I did, do you think we ever would have become friends? If Frankie knew back then what I had done, do you think we ever would have become friends? I don't think there's anything that could have stopped you two From becoming friends.
I should go Apologize to her.
get another martini, then apologize to her.
I know how thirsty you get when you're high.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
All right, I have to ask.
How could you not tell me for all those years? Sol, I was lying to Grace about so many other things that were so much worse, like us.
I felt I had to be loyal to her this one time.
Yeah, I get it.
I kept lying about M'Challah for Frankie because I felt guilty about us too.
Are we okay? - Except for how dry my mouth is - Oh.
we're fine.
Hey you know what we should do? What? Grace.
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
Me too.
What happened with Bud's Bunny would never, ever, happen again.
I'm not carrying around the rabbit-killing, mad-at-the-world anger anymore because of you.
You've made me a better, more delightful person.
Delightful may be pushing it.
And I want you to know that I would never make up a holiday to stay away from you now.
But I would make one up to be with you.
Come here.
Oh! Oh, Grace.
What do you think is going on with my son's penis? I'm trying not to think about it.
The lengths we go to to get you to wash a dish.
You'll be happy to know I also rinsed off my phone.
It's at 4%.
Can I borrow your charger? Voilà.
Oh, my God.
You ? You call that clean? Jesus.