It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s07e03 Episode Script

No, we never had kings in this country.
No, I don't think we ever had kings.
That was the whole point of this country is that we didn't want a king.
We didn't want the king.
Son of a bitch! Guys, guys, guys.
Oh.
Are you okay? Oh! Oh! I think you broke your nose.
I'm screwed.
I'm screwed.
Ah! Oh, strange man, titty bar.
A great investment opportunity.
Beauty pageant.
Are you getting it? Yeah, yeah, I think I got this.
You met a strange man at a titty bar who offered you a great opportunity to invest in a beauty pageant? Everything looked very legit.
It was all in place.
He had all the connections.
He wanted somebody to front the money.
Me.
Okay, fine.
I've always wanted to do a beauty pageant.
Stop.
Why? Because you make a lot of cash, and you ogle some broads.
Yeah, I don't question that aspect of it.
Yeah, that seems right up your alley, bro.
Oh, this jerk gets pinched for coming on to one of the contestants, and now it looks like a whole scam.
And if I don't legitimize this thing, everybody's gonna think I'm just like him.
Why don't you just drop the whole thing? I can't, Charlie.
It's already going.
It's in motion.
I mean, it's really a mess.
Any second now, there's gonna be broads walking through that door in swimsuits.
Awesome.
That's a good thing.
Yeah, I don't see what the problem is here, Frank.
Oh! Looks like somebody forgot their swimsuit.
Come on, girls.
That's the problem.
A kids' pageant.
I didn't know Are you kidding me? I didn't know it was a kids' pageant.
The guy didn't make that clear.
Now I'm lumped in with a diddler.
What am I gonna do? This is a mess.
Well, I don't know what the big deal is.
You know, I did pageants all the time when I was little.
The big deal? The big deal is that mothers force their kids into this so that they can dress them up like dolls and parade them around like sex objects.
It's creepy.
My mother didn't force me into it.
I entered them myself.
Yeah, that's true.
Actually, when Dee used to enter pageants when we were kids, Mom used to tell her not to waste her time, because she isn't pretty enough.
Mm-hmm, she would say that, and then I would jam it right in her face when I'd win them.
How would you win pageants? Did you have a different face? No, she was a dog back then, too.
It's just that she worked at it.
She used to go to tanning, and you know, she practiced with her makeup.
I'll give you that-- you did a lot of that practicing.
Thanks, Frank.
Yeah, yeah, you guys got to change your thinking about child pageants.
I mean, child pageants-- that's American tradition right there.
Child pageantry.
Think about it.
In other countries, okay, women that can't show their ankles, right? They got to be in those big, black tarps or whatever.
Mm.
In America, we can show toddlers in tiny bikinis, we can make them tan, because that's our right.
Mm-hmm.
As Americans, okay.
Child pageantry is an essential part of the American fabric.
You know what? We should dress up our little kids just to show other people that we can.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah, I never thought about it that way.
This is about freedom, isn't it? Mm-hmm.
We can do whatever we want with our kids.
Yeah.
And that's what America is all about.
You know what you just did, Charlie? You just loaded up that train with coal, and now it's ready to tear down the tracks.
That was inspiring as hell.
Yes.
Let's throw ourselves a pageant! Let's do a child pageant.
U.
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! Okay.
Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Good.
Thank Calm down, everybody.
Calm down.
Calm down.
Thanks for coming to Frank's Little Beauties.
I want to thank you all for participating.
I know some of you may have heard about that other guy.
I am not gonna diddle your kids.
I'm not like that.
That's not my thing.
I met that guy in a titty bar.
It's like a That's enough.
That's enough.
Hi there.
Dee Reynolds, former pageant winner.
I know how these things work, so, uh, your kids are in good hands.
Go ahead and talk amongst yourselves.
Frank, will you? Frank, your nose is bleeding all over the place.
Do I look suspicious? You look grotesque.
Magic night for us.
A magical night.
Magic's in the air.
Magic's Magic's in the air Skeedy-bow.
Uh See, this is fun.
Yeah.
We shouldn't be looking at this pageant as a problem.
We should be looking at this as an opportunity to do something we've never done before.
This is right in our wheelhouse.
I'm having a blast putting this Hey, I'm thinking maybe we could actually be in this thing? I'm glad you said it, because I'm desperate to be in this thing.
Oh! I didn't realize it was even a conversation.
I always assumed we would be heavily involved.
This is bad.
We got to definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids.
Do not diddle kids It's no good diddling kids.
There is no quicker way for people to think that you are diddling kids than by writing a song about it.
You got to write a song.
It's just like Ooh.
I wouldn't do it with anybody Younger than my daughter And no little kids.
Got to be big Older than my wife Older than my daughter.
Something like that.
Don't write a song about that.
No.
I'm cloudy.
I got a headache.
Uh, excuse me.
Who's in charge here? Well, usually that's whoever yells the loudest, but I am the only one here right now, so I am in charge.
Oh, hi.
Uh, my name is Walter Harris.
Hi.
I'm with the Family Association for the Protection of Children.
No! Ooh, ooh.
Okay.
Uh, you know, I I'm-I'm pretty much I'm in charge of this the chairs and setting up the chairs.
Mm.
But there's a guy.
Uh, uh, there's a fat guy.
Well, his face is busted to bits, and he he's in charge.
He's-He's the guy that you want to talk to.
He might be this way, so I'll go I'm gonna go back here and look for him.
Uh, you check it out around the corner.
Real jacked up face and fat.
So, how's everyone doing today? Is everyone feeling safe? The F.
A.
P.
C.
, huh? That's what he said.
They're siccing the dogs after us.
We're screwed.
Hey, we're fine, Frank.
We got nothing to hide.
Yeah, you know what? To be honest with you, I'm glad he's gonna observe us.
I mean, somebody should be looking out for these kids.
Yeah, those mothers just left their kids here in a bar with complete strangers in a pageant that's under investigation.
They're terrible parents.
Yeah.
This is a mess! Frank, why don't you go lay down and put some ice on your face, 'cause you look terrible? Yeah, Jesus, Frank, fix your face, for God sake.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Relax.
Go, go.
We'll take care of everything in here.
Everything's gonna be fine, Frank.
Yeah, we got it.
We got it.
It's all gonna be fine.
Now you pinned the whole thing on him, right? Oh, yeah, of course I did.
Hey, good thinking.
Good.
Good, good, good, good.
Okay, ladies, chins up, hands down, step forward.
One, two, three, one, two.
Fan, turn.
Hit it! Stick it! Let me see it! Pose! Come on, hit the line.
Get in line.
What is this? Guys, we got to put on a show! I thought you were professionals.
That's what I'm looking for, and I don't see professionals.
I see amateurs, I see trash, little pieces of trash on my stage.
You guys are dummies.
It's not even hard.
You are dumb.
It's not hard.
Samantha's mean.
Samantha gets to be mean because Samantha is a star, okay? Maybe one day you'll be a star, but right now you're not.
You're junk.
I have to go to the bathroom.
You belong in the bathroom.
Go! Let's take a five, let's take a break.
I'm so upset.
Are you okay? You're doing great.
We'll be dressed very stylishly for the performance.
It's going to be a great performance, Walter, very classy.
I look forward to seeing it.
Just make sure that the children are featured.
That is who this is about.
Yeah.
Yeah it's about the kids.
Absolutely, all about the kids, yeah.
Absolutely, yeah, no, totally.
Hey, Walter, you want to come sit with us? Yeah, come sit sith You lost him.
Hello, everybody.
He's all business, that guy, you know? He is all over us, man.
We got to put on a good show, you guys, we got to.
Hello.
That was some pretty impressive work out there, Samantha.
Excuse me, I'm eating my lunch.
Well, don't get sassy with me.
I'm trying to pay you a compliment.
You know, I see a lot of myself in you.
You're not like me.
You're ugly.
You don't-- that's not something you say.
You're mean.
You're the meanest girl in the world.
Okay, you know what? You better thank your lucky stars I'm not in this competition because I would eat you for breakfast.
You're driving me nuts.
I don't like your hair.
It's dumb.
Your hair looks like it's dead.
All right, that's it.
You listen to me.
All hair is technically dead, you stupid idiot smarty-pants stupid, stupid idiot.
You better watch yourself, Samantha.
Do you hear me? Because I am coming for you.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Terrible breath.
Wheezing.
Dude, you're wheezing now.
Slow down.
Breathe and eat separately.
This is what America is about, okay, being able to eat at any rate you want to eat.
Shut, shut up.
Stop making all of these things about America.
You're fat not because of America Can we just change the conversation? Can we just focus on something else? Did you guys see the boy that's here? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, what's that all about? I imagine Dad probably skipped town.
Mom always wanted a daughter, so she sticks her little boy in the pageant, right, so she can play out her little fantasies about having a little girl.
That kid does not want to be here, you know.
A kid like this needs guidance.
He needs real men showing him what it's Would you like to see my dance? Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
Sure.
I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy A Yankee Doodle, do or die A real live nephew.
Of my Uncle Sam I don't think this boy is being pushed into this at all.
This is a boy who genuinely loves pageantry.
Yeah.
You know what? I bet he's never won one of these.
We should help him win.
Totally.
For once let's let the boys in America win.
Well, maybe we could make a few adjustments to the song, maybe update it a little bit.
Yes, the song needs an update.
All these old patriotic songs need updates.
Yeah, they're like That's why nobody wants to listen to 'em.
I am The Yankee Doodle Boy.
Hey, all right, hey.
All right, man.
Good job, Benjamin.
Hey, Justine.
Hey.
Hey, can we talk for just a quick sec? Yeah, I really need to do my homework, but Ah, I know, but I'm the adult and I said we were gonna talk, so that's what's gonna happen.
Listen, I bet you wish you could win this pageant, don't you? My mom says I'm not pretty enough.
Your mom doesn't know dick.
She's a dumb, fat cow, and your sister-- she is a stupid little shit-mouthed bitch, isn't she? You just said a lot of bad words.
Here's what's gonna happen, Justine, you are going to win this pageant.
You are gonna win this pageant! And I am going to be the one who pushes you to do it.
What do you think about that? Are you excited? Are you excited about that? Yeah, I don't really care about any of that.
I know, but it's not what you care about, it's what I care about.
Okay.
Okay, ready? Oh, we got a lot of work to do.
Screw this homework, right? Come on.
So great to see you.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you very Guys, Walter's here.
He looks very pleased.
Good, good, he should.
I mean, this is like Yeah, yeah.
Okay, good.
I'm here.
Oh.
What on earth did you do to your face? I had it done at a funeral home.
Why, why, why? Where in the hell am I going to go-- to the goddamn makeup counter at Macy's? You go to a funeral home to get gruesome repairs.
Look.
You look like you're at your own wake.
Frank, Frank, I need some water.
My mouth is dry.
Your mouth is dry.
Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.
Okay.
Yeah, can I, could I, can I? I have a Who's that? He's the mortician.
I invited him.
Oh, you brought the mortician.
Okay, well, that's not going to seem strange to anybody at all.
I figure he's a cretin.
Why would I have a cretin like that near me if I have something to hide? Hmm Associating with a man like that's not going to make you look any better.
Hey, hey, hey, you're on in five.
Oh, whoa.
Artemis, what are you doing here? She's working the soundboard, okay, relax.
Is that a good idea? Does she know how to work a soundboard? Who else are we going to get? We don't have a very deep bench, dude.
Okay.
I'm gonna go get high before the show.
Okay.
Seems like a bad idea.
Well, don't get high.
It's making us look bad.
I'm sweating like a pig.
I got to get my makeup redone.
Okay, showtime, showtime.
All right, let's get ready, guys.
Showtime, showtime, showtime.
Whoa Showtime.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! ("America the Beautiful" playing) Give me a beat.
Magic's in the air Magic's in the air Lace and silk Is everywhere Lace and silk Struttin' with dramatic flair Dramatic flair And bright smiles So everyone prepare For something special tonight Here she is Frank's Little Beauties Your heart'll go Into a cardiac arrest 'Cause Frank's Little Beauties.
Are nothing but the From state to state And town to town.
These girls will turn Your frown upside-down Uh-huh, uh-huh Who's brass and class And all that stuff? These girls'll show you That they're good enough They're good, all right So put your hands together And settle in 'cause tonight We're gettin' down.
Only one contestant wins Frank's Little Beauties crown.
Is that it, Artemis? Very nice performance.
Very nice and clean performance.
Welcome.
Welcome to our legitimate show of kids.
Uh, very, very, very nice.
Which one of these talented, uh, entertainers, who I am not attracted to at all, will be the winner? I'm not attracted to any of them, none of them.
And that's the way it is.
Anyway, everybody put your hands together and clap for the kids.
Clap, clap.
And you wave good-bye.
Wave.
Wave good-bye.
Go to your dressing room.
We're gonna start the show.
Go on.
Bye, Frank.
Okay, just don't touch Go to there.
Go on in there.
Their dressing room Bye, Frank.
over there on that side of the stage.
I am going to my dressing room.
We wil wbe right back.
I'm over here.
Oh, my hair hurts.
I know.
I know, mine, too.
We look good.
Okay, finish up that coffee.
Ugh! I don't like it.
You do, too, like it.
Look, it doesn't matter whether you like it or not.
You need to be high energy, okay? Do you want to win this thing or not? I don't care.
Yes, you do care, all right? Pop your teeth in.
Pop your teeth in right now.
Really? Let's see 'em.
You look fantastic.
Let's go show those stupid moms, huh? Mm.
Come on.
Moms stink.
P-ew! What are you gonna do? Yeah! Me and you should go Into a secret world Where no one tells us What to do.
Moms are stupid.
Doy! I'd like to throw them all In the trash Yeah! They're nothing but A big humongous Pain in the butt.
A big, humungous pain in my Vagina Moms are ugly.
Boo! People of earth, prepare for the future of patriotism.
Yankee doodle went to town Riding on a pony Stuck a feather in his cap.
And called it macarone Rone, rone, rone, rone Rone, rone, rone Hey! Yankee Yankee, Yankee doodle Yankee, Yankee.
Yankee, Yankee doodle Mr.
Gorbachev, tear down this wall.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
Hey, hey, what is this? What are you people doing to my son? Go back to your seat.
All right, who's in charge here? Sir, uh, go back to your seat.
Stuck a feather in his cap And called it macarone Rone, rone, rone, rone Well, someone should have worn a shirt, right? Probably the kid.
The kid definitely.
Yeah.
It felt uncomfortable.
But at a rave, I feel like that would have been awesome.
I know, but the kids make it weird.
It did get a little weird.
I can't figure this tie out here.
I got a question about you morticians.
You bang the dead bodies? Mm no.
Imagine stuff like that goes on all time.
I mean, I don't give a shit.
If I was dead, you could bang me all you want.
Who cares? Dead body's like a piece of trash.
I mean, shove as much shit in there as you want Turn his mic down.
I'm trying.
I don't know I don't know how.
You don't know how?! I don't know which one it is.
Fill me up with cream.
Turn me What's going on, you idiot? Make a stew out of my ass.
What's the big deal? Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little pieces, throw me in the river.
Who gives a shit? You're dead, you're dead.
Ooh, shit.
Is my mic on? Oh, God.
Oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
That was a mistake.
The janitor got a hold of the P.
A.
system.
Puerto Rican guy.
You know, kids are great.
I love the kids.
Not in a sexual way.
No, I was married 20 years, and she was a bitch, but she was old, and I never had a problem getting it up with her.
What is this?! Get the girls! Well, well, well, wait.
What.
All right, all right, miss, could you, um, give me a little music, please? Play something nice.
Play something.
Play him out of here.
Play some music, play some music.
Yeah, okay, okay.
It's a grand old flag A high-fly I don't this.
I do not know this one.
Come on, give me something like Walter, come up and help me and, uh, uh, help the people.
Let's just leave.
Yeah, let's go.
Yeah, let's go, 'cause this is a bad Yeah, let's go.
I just want you to be having a great time.
Police.
Oh, no.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Whoa.
Oh, that's it.
I'm done.
I'm going away.
Get your hands off me, pigs.
Why are you taking Walter? Man's a diddler.
Sick son of a bitch goes around all these kids pageants, pretends he's an inspector.
We've been looking for him for a while.
I'm just glad we finally got him off the street.
You got your man.
So, there's another unrelated diddler in the mix? Well, I mean, these things are just magnets for those people.
It's like throwing a picnic at the beach and getting pissed when the seagulls show up.
Yeah, you have to expect it.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Yeah, totally.
I tell you, children's ' beauty pageants are an American tradition, but not a proud one.
Nope.
I'm gonna go.
Me, too.
Yeah.
Let's go, let's go, because it still doesn't Wait! Wait! Who won? Uh, um, Samantha.
She's the prettiest, right? Yeah.
Come on.
Yeah.
Yay, I'm the winner!