M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e03 Episode Script

[Man On p.
A.
.]
Attention.
! Attention all personnel.
! Colonel Lillian Rayburn, will arrive at 1800 today.
This is a full-scale inspection, gals so grab your hose and powder your nose.
That's not what I wrote! Come on! Just say 'em like I give 'em to ya! "Powder your nose and grab your hose.
" That's pretty funny, Radar.
Uh-huh.
Thanks a lot.
Afternoon, Corporal.
Where do we find your C.
O.
? He's in his office, but I don't think he wants to be disturbed.
Corporal, would you tell him that Colonel Lillian Rayburn is here? Colonel Rayburn? It's only noon.
I mean 1200 hours.
You're not supposed to be here for 600 hours yet.
- Well, take it from me, I'm me.
- Oh, gee! I'm always the last to know.
Look, I printed this stuff up.
I got ink all over my clothes, my hands, my glasses and everything.
- Things get rough up here, do they? - You don't know the half of it.
Do you know that a guy came in yes Excuse me, ma'am.
The colonel's office is right this way.
If you follow me, I'll get you there from here.
- A toast.
To us.
- To us.
- Colonel Potter, Colonel Lillian Rayburn.
- Good gravy! - To say the least.
- Well, I hope I haven't interrupted something.
- We were just having our livers removed.
- Oh, I'll chip in mine.
- Who am I drinking with? - Colonel Sherman Potter.
- Captain Hawkeye Pierce.
- At the bottle.
- Captain BJ.
Hunnicutt.
- At the ready.
- What's the B.
J.
Stand for? - Anything you want.
I'll get back to you.
General Rivert sends his best.
No kidding? Bill Rivert? You know Bill Rivert? I haven't heard that name in years.
How is old yellow teeth? - Dark brown by now.
- [Laughs.]
That guy could spit tobacco juice 20 yards.
- That's how he used to pick volunteers.
- What does B.
J.
Stand for? - I remember he had a son.
Don? - Anything you want.
- You can tell me I'm your friend.
- Bill get him into West Point? - Three times.
- Is it some kind of family secret? - How old's the boy now? - You're getting very mysterious.
What's the problem? Wait a minute, guys.
See those big wooden things with hinges on over there? Shut 'em on your way out.
Nice meeting you, Colonel.
If you're ever by the swamp, fall in.
If I find out his name, I'll introduce you.
Why can't you tell me? I'm your friend.
Colonel Potter, I know what a pain in the butt visiting brass can be but this is my first tour of Korea, and I'd like to see it all.
I admire your salt.
You just follow me around, I'll show you the whole enchilada.
- I've assigned you to the V.
I.
P.
Tent, ma'am.
- Thank you, Corporal.
It's next to the latrine.
That can come in handy in the middle of the night.
- The lady's been around, Radar.
- Sorry.
Shall I show the colonel to the colonel's tent, colonel? I'll do it.
You can start by taking her gear over.
Oh.
Yes, sir.
There's a welcome basket in your tent some canned fruit and flypaper.
- Well, ready for the nickel tour? - After you.
Oh, mighty nice shoes, but from here on you better wear boots.
- We get a lot of livestock through here.
- Colonel.
Ah, yes.
Colonel Rayburn, this is Major Margaret Houlihan, our chief surgical nurse.
Colonel, on behalf of the entire nursing staff which I command and which I am delighted to be in charge of how pleased we are to welcome you to the 4077 th.
- Well, thank you, Major.
- Well, thank you, ma'am.
With the colonel's permission, I've scheduled a general inspection at 2100 hours and then a meeting with the senior nursing staff, and then tomorrow Whoa, Major.
That's a lot of pomp for these circumstances.
With all due respect, sir, Colonel Rayburn is here to inspect my nurses.
Well, I thought I'd do that while they work.
It saves all that saluting.
Of course.
That was my alternate suggestion.
Choppers, Colonels.
Loaded.
Okay.
Let's start where we earn our keep.
- Should I cancel the close order drill, Major? - Shut up.
You really know your way around a kidney, Sherman.
Well, I've taken this route plenty of times.
[Charles.]
Retractor.
Retractor! Keep moving, Fowler! Everything runs like clockwork around here, Colonel.
- Nurse, wind me up.
- Sponge.
Sponge there.
Kellye, keep this aisle clear! Your Major Houlihan is a real hot patootie.
She's a spanking good nurse, but your being here has given her the fidgets.
Margaret, would you move that machine back where I had it? Colonel Rayburn, I'm sure you'll agree that my nurses stack up against anybody.
- Anybody but me.
- Father, would you move that machine over here? - Why, certainly.
- I've got it, Father.
- Always a bridesmaid.
- Are you trying to make me look bad? Keep going.
You don't need my help.
So, how long have you been in this racket, Lil? - Twenty-two years.
- Ah, you're just a baby.
- You I like.
- [Chuckles.]
That must be some awful name you're hiding if you won't even tell your best friend.
- Oh, you're such a nudge.
- It's "noodge.
" There, I told you something.
Now you tell me something.
- It's no use.
I won't "boodge.
" - You're embarrassed, right? Yeah, that's it.
All right.
I know.
I know.
Look, I'll tell you an embarrassing story about myself and that'll put you at ease, won't it? When I was 14, my father caught me smoking in bed.
Boy, was he angry.
Turned red as a beet.
- Come to think of it, so did the girl I was with.
- [Laughs.]
Pretty hot stuff, huh? All right, what does B.
J.
Stand for, huh? Who cares? Pierce, must we endure these endless stories of your dismal puberty? Oh, sure, Charles.
Make me look bad in front of Colonel Rayburn.
Can we concentrate on surgery, please? - Is it always like this? - Don't mind them.
They love to show off in front of company.
Okay.
You want to hear a really embarrassing story? This is a biggie.
Sucked my thumb till I was 26.
- Stop it.
Will you stop it already? - I gave it up for bed-wetting.
- Hunnicutt, B.
J.
, Captain, U.
S.
Army - Okay, okay.
- What if I guess it? - Fine.
Oh, goody, goody.
Okay.
Uh, B.
J.
Uh, BelvedereJehoshaphat.
- Got it! First try.
- Don't lie to me! I'd call you names if you had any.
Attention! Prepare for inspection by Colonel - Radar.
You're blocking the road.
- Sorry.
Sorry, ma'am.
Ah, Colonel, I see you've stumbled into our enchanted little post-op.
Sorry you couldn't make it in the spring when the fractures are in bloom.
How many wounded would you say get through here in a week? It's difficult to think of this place in terms of days and weeks.
- Simple for me.
One week equals one shift.
- In other words, big business.
- Too big.
- Yeah.
- Was your mother Spanish? - No.
Why? That eliminates BenitoJuárez.
After we're done here, I'll show you the pharmacy.
Uh, Colonel, I could do that if you want to get back to your desk and get done some of the work you should've got done, sir.
- Message received, son.
No reply.
- You've got a lot of work Radar, why don't you pull the duty logs for, oh, say, the last six months just in case Colonel Rayburn wants to take a gander.
Yes, sir.
My Uncle Ed used to give me a quarter to go to the movies.
- What? - I'm going.
Look at that boy.
He belongs in a playground, not a hospital.
Look at that boy.
He belongs in a playground, not a hospital.
You know, as much as I hate O.
R.
, this room is worse.
Why? In there you only look at the wounds.
In here you see the faces.
- Radar, you busy? - Yes.
You're evading the question.
Where do you keep the personnel files? - Back there.
- Thank you.
- Second drawer on the right.
- Oh, you're too kind.
Let's see.
"H" after "G," except in the army.
Hunnicutt.
Hunnicutt.
I can't find Hunnicutt.
Officers in the front, enlisted in the back.
- How come you're in the front? - 'Cause I do the filing.
Radar, what ever happened to that sweet, adorable you? - None of your beeswax! - There.
That's better.
Something's bothering me.
Naw.
Here.
Lie down in this drawer and tell me all about it.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
What is it? Some people just don't act like some people when other people show up.
Aha! Now we're making some progress.
Why don't you fill me in while you're looking up Hunnicutt's file? Makin' a fuss over her.
Calling her Lil and everything.
- Oh, Colonel Some People.
- Yeah.
He's a married man.
He's got grandchildren.
- Are you serious? - Of course I'm serious! He's taking her to show her the laundry! He never goes there himself.
He's just being polite.
I just don't think it happens to look right.
Radar, we're all a long way from home.
- Maybe he just wants a little companionship.
- That's what he's got me for.
I mean someone closer to his own age and hair color.
- Yeah, maybe you're right.
- Sure I am.
What are you doing? Hey! That's Captain Hunnicutt's confidential file! - I just want to look one teeny little thing up.
- No.
Absolutely not! It's against army regulations.
For Pete's sakes! You know Colonel Rayburn is right behind those doors! - What if she come in here and caught us? - Okay, I'll marry you.
Okay.
It's not against regulations for you to look in there, is it? - No.
It's my job.
- Okay, just peek in there and find out what B.
J.
's initials stand for.
- B.
J.
- Baloney! Here.
Look.
That creep! He won't even tell the army! - It's killing me.
I gotta find out.
- What's the big deal? He's hiding something from me.
Boy, you think you know a guy.
We live together.
We eat together.
We even wear each other's socks.
Why won't he tell me his name? Do you really wear his socks? [Knocking.]
Come in.
Excuse me, Colonel.
I thought these might brighten up the place.
They're not regulation, but they have a lovely fragrance.
Yes, well, thank you, but I have hay fever.
Right.
Oh, for goodness sakes! Why can't they learn how to make a bed around here? Major, I just turned that down.
- Oh.
- Instead of making it, why don't you sit on it? - Oh, certainly, Colonel.
- And how about calling me Lil? If you don't, we'll never get past the weather.
Well, I just wanted to make sure you were comfortable, Lil.
[Laughs.]
You'll get it.
It'll be easier as you go along.
I'll keep working on it, Colonel Lil.
Well, thank you.
- And what do they call you? - Major Houlihan.
Uh, Margaret.
- Are you married, Margaret? - I was, but he wasn't.
You? - Nope.
- Never? Well, not that I didn't have any offers but most of them lost interest when they found out that my dowry was a duffel bag.
- I know the type.
- Well, it's their funeral.
Those fellows missed out on a heck of an exciting ride.
Tell me, do you have any regrets? Regrets? Hell, no.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Women like us are lucky, Margaret.
Why, we've seen more of the world than most people dream of.
And let's face it, there's an excitement about our work.
It's exciting when you help put some kid back together and then watch him walk out of here.
- Oh, I know what you mean.
- [Laughs.]
The only thing I worry about is eventually what happens when When you get to be my age? Don't you ever worry about ending up alone? Are you kiddin'! I'm gonna have to beat 'em off with a stick.
What man my age would turn down a nurse with a pension? And a good-looking nurse at that.
That's something else we've got in common.
- [Knocking.]
- Come in while there's still room.
Lil, I've been saving this bottle of scotch, and I thought we could save it for some other time.
- Why not now? - It's getting late, and I have reports to fill out.
- No, no, Major.
I'll go.
You two gals were gabbing.
- No, no.
We were finished.
Look, I hope you two don't mind if I stay.
- Good night, Colonel.
Lil.
- See you tomorrow, Colonel.
[Knocking.]
Yes? I run this place.
What am I leaving for? Now you're talkin'.
No more guessing.
I'm going to approach this scientifically.
Tell me or I'll kill you! - Help! - You lie.
That starts with an "H.
" Unless you intend to injure yourselves permanently, I do wish you'd stop that.
- I want the names and addresses of everybody who's ever met you.
- Okay, okay! I'm sending telegrams to anyone who even suspects what B.
J.
Stands for.
- Or cares.
- Who was dean of your med school? - T.
R.
Miller.
- Now cut that out! Wait.
There's more.
Favorite comedian: W.
C.
Fields.
Favorite author: D.
H.
Lawrence.
- What about S.
J.
Perelman? - Or T.
S.
Eliot.
D-R-O-P D-E-D.
What do you think of e.
e.
Cummings? I never liked those little initials.
Hot dang.
What a perfect day! - Not a bomb in the sky.
- Oh, that's comforting.
Sir, do you want me to send off that letter to Mrs.
Potter? - Not till I finish writing it, son.
- But you could dictate it to me.
- No, thanks.
- Would the two colonels like me to send along a couple of M.
P.
S? This is a picnic, Radar, not a court-martial.
- I know, but you never know when you're gonna run into snipers.
- The ants'll get 'em.
[Laughs.]
Hmm.
- Oh, nerts! - Well, I hope the cook packed a tire jack.
No problem.
Radar, requisition another jeep pronto.
Oh, gee.
I just loaned one to Battalion Aid and two of'em have bad spark plugs, and Sergeant Zale took the other.
- No jeeps.
- Gee, I'm sorry.
I guess you're gonna have to cancel your picnic.
- Couldn't we walk? - Too bad.
It's such a nice day.
Jim-dandy-dee.
Lil, I like your style.
Radar, hold down the fort till we get back.
Uh, sir, listen.
I could get you a jeep tomorrow.
Sir? Colonel? "Couldn't we walk?" Boy! What a lousy trick.
- Set 'em up, bartender.
- Sorry, Major.
The bar's not open yet.
- What about him? - He slept over from last night.
- The drinks are on me.
- The bar is now open.
- And to what do we owe this unprecedented largesse? - What? What put the hole in your change purse? We're celebrating, Klinger.
Ah, the alimony's in.
Nope.
It's Independence Day.
Of course.
September 10th.
How could I forget? Every day is Independence Day, soldier, when you know where you're going.
- Huh? - Klinger, I'm glad we're alone.
- Oh? - I want to talk to you.
- You're trying to get out of here, right? - The thought's crossed my mind.
You're making a big mistake.
Army life is not such a bad deal.
Women soldiers like us get to see more of this world than most people ever dream of! I've seen enough.
Thank you.
You know, I always thought you could hold this stuff.
Now here's a bottomless pit.
- Grape Nehi.
And leave the bottle.
- Did I tell you? Put that on my tab.
Sit over here, spunky.
Uh, I don't know, ma'am.
A noncom drinking with a com? Besides, I'm not very good company.
Will you stop clucking and move over.
What are you doing here in the middle of the day? - What do you mean by that? - You're usually shadowing the colonel.
Colonel's on a picnic.
And what's it to ya anyway? Boy, I hate a pushy barmaid.
- Is he with Colonel Rayburn? - Who do you think? Those two are fast becoming an item.
Do you think maybe Nah.
You betcha "nah.
" And anyway it's all her fault.
- Her fault? - She never lets him alone.
Who was it who came to her tent last night? - To her tent? - Oh, yeah.
It's his fault.
It's still her fault! She didn't have to be there.
It's nobody's fault.
They like each other.
Hit me again.
I know you.
I can't remember the name, but I never forget a pace.
Those colonels should've been back hours ago.
Radar, you have to let the old folks out of the nest.
Something might've happened out there! There's snipers.
There's land mines.
Even worse, they might be getting friendly.
We know how dangerous that can be.
My cousin Raymond went on a picnic with a girl once, and they had to get married.
The colonel's already been spoken for.
Yeah, and that's what makes it worse.
- Aren't you taking a lot for granted? - What? Just because they went out on a picnic doesn't mean they're having a picnic.
- Huh? - They're mature, intelligent adults.
Did you ever think they might've gone out there just to talk? Yeah, it could be happening that way.
Now let's get down to something important.
- Did you send those telegrams out on B.
J.
? - Only the first 27.
- Come on! I'm gonna go out there and look for 'em.
- Radar, relax! [Potter Singing.]
[Singing Show Tune.]
- That's them! - Oh, my God.
They're being tortured.
[Singing Continues.]
Boom, boom.
[Laughs.]
I've heard better harmony from a machine gun.
- Who was singing harmony? - [Laughing.]
Lil, I had one heck of a day.
I hate to see it end.
If things stay quiet around here, it doesn't have to.
Stop by my place later for a nightcap.
You've got the address.
Do you know all the words to "Second Hand Rose"? - I sure do.
- This time I'll bring my voice.
[Laughs.]
Right.
[Laughs.]
[Humming.]
- Howdy, buckaroos! - Hey there, Buffalo Bob.
- Evening, Colonel.
- Come on, boys.
I'll buy you a cup of coffee.
- Coffee's free here.
- What's with him? Well, you know, you could've called and told him you'd be late.
- [Knocking.]
- Come in.
[Singing.]
[Laughs.]
Terrible.
Well, after the second drink minimum, I'll sound likeJeanette MacDonald.
And I'll look like Nelson Eddy.
[Crooning.]
[Laughs.]
Sherm, I don't know when I've enjoyed anyone's company as much as yours.
How can I ever tell people I had fun in Korea? - [Chuckles.]
- We must've been some sight today, Lil laughin' and singin' in the middle of a war.
Not a war.
A police action.
Yeah.
So they tell me.
Cheers.
I remember a captain I knew in England.
This was before D-Day.
He got some English girl to go for a cookout one night on the beach at Brighton.
He was from California.
You know how those people love to barbecue everything.
Well, you couldn't have an open fire because of the blackout but they rigged up something.
Anyway, after he got about a half a bottle of wine in her she decides she wants to go swimming.
Yeah, well, uh, while the two of them are splashing around out there in their birthday suits all these landing craft start landing.
And, uh, the whole British Army's on maneuvers and spotlights went on and - Lil, are you listening to me? - Mmm.
We're in England.
So you had these, uh, landing craft and, uh, spotlights and, uh, British troops Yes, you said that before.
- I did, didn't I? - Yes, you did.
Lil, is what's happening what I think is happening? I think so.
That's what I thought.
Well, Lil, I, uh I'm not, uh That is to say I don't No, hmm? Not while there's a girl at home with my picture on her piano.
Sherm, I just want you to know that, uh well, I don't fall into bed with every man I meet.
I know that.
Where did I get my signals crossed? You didn't.
I just gave you the wrong impression.
I was so damned tickled having someone my own age to talk to.
That's all.
I'm sorry.
So am I.
Could've been something quite special.
It still is.
This is a memory I'll never forget.
Well, I have two more MASHes to visit and, uh I'd better get an early start.
I'll see you off in the morning.
But if I was ever tempted You had your chance.
- Good night, Sherm.
- Good night, Lil.
Radar, are you all right? I heard that rat-tat-tatting all across the compound.
Just catching up on the paperwork, sir.
- You haven't been around much lately.
- I know.
You've been a big help to me the last couple of days.
- Thank you.
- Just part of my job, sir.
Colonel Rayburn'll be leaving before breakfast tomorrow.
Would you drop by my tent at about 6:00? I want to see her off.
Yes, sir.
Your tent? You're going back to your tent, sir? Well, why not? That's where I sleep, isn't it? Yes, sir.
It sure is.
You know, Colonel Rayburn's visit here has been a real treat for me.
I almost forgot how wonderful it is to spend some time with a woman who's been around as long as I have speaks the same language.
That's rare, Radar.
Gee, I hope I meet somebody like that someday.
You will.
I've met a couple.
Married the one I loved.
I understand, sir.
Um, don't worry about a thing.
I'll fix everything tonight for tomorrow.
You just get some rest.
Thanks, Radar.
Good night, son.
Good night, Colonel.
Uh, excuse me, sirs.
Hawkeye, we got answers back to your telegrams.
All right.
This is it.
Now I got ya.
What does it say? According to every one we got, Captain Hunnicutt has no first name.
Just B.
J.
What! Let me see that.
"B.
J.
" "B.
J.
" Who would name their kid B.
J.
? My mother, Bea Hunnicutt, and my father, Jay Hunnicutt.
- B.
J.
- Oh, sure! Now I get it.
- [Laughs.]
- Bea and Jay.
B.
J.
You honestly expect me to buy that cockamamy story? - Now what does it stand for? - Anything you want.
[Grunts.]