My Family (2000) s07e03 Episode Script
Once More with Feeling
(KISSING NOISILY) Is this ruining anyone else's breakfast? I don't know how much longer I can keep this down I'm a romantic at heart, but even I'm finding it a little bit cloying What are you doing? We used to do this to our budgies when they got a bit frisky Really? Back home, we used to castrate the male That was my first thought (MUFFLED CHUCKLING) Anyone seen the morning paper? Thank you, Mikey Oi! Oh, hello, Ben It's all right, we're engaged to be married Really? We've named the day Saturday Well, that's wonderful Which Saturday? Oh, we haven't thought of that yet, have we? What was that for? Pre-emptive strike You're bound to irritate me at some point today What's in the bag, Ben? My DVDs have arrived Twenty-two hours of television heaven Let me guess, The Jane Austen Collection? That is so close The Nazis in Colour.
- Deep joy - Oh, yeah Ten discs, extra featurettes Ha! Anyone wants me, I'll be on the couch Shall I bring you some snacks, or do you just want to dine on the stuff you dropped between the cushions last time? (SOMBRE CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) Hey, Dad I need your advice - Very funny, Janey - No, I mean it Well, yeah, but does it have to be now? I mean Janey, what can I do for you at this point? You know, you are what you are I failed you, I'll admit that Can I just watch my programme, please? This is important It's about Kenzo's education Now, I'm trying to get him into a good school Yeah Yeah - Everyone says St Justin's is the best - Yeah, right, right Are you even listening to me? I'm trying not to, but you keep talking - Dad, this is serious - Yeah I have to convince the vicar I'm religious I've been going to church every week I've been praying my arse off Hmm Janey, we're at war here Right, what else can I do to impress him? Okay, how do you normally impress people? I usually wear a low-cut blouse and drink through a straw Dear God Why don't you talk to him about the Bible? Or you can make a donation Why don't you talk to him about the Bible? Night, you two BOTH: (MUFFLED) Good night, Susan Oh, Abi, did you remember to set the tape for Celebrity Master Chef? Shut it, Rog, you talk too much - Roger and Abi are still at it - Mmm-hmm - Were we ever that passionate? - Of course we were (CHUCKLING) Remember that weekend on the Norfolk Broads? Ooh! That was real passion I've never been to Norfolk in my life Do you know, I could have sworn it was you Well, whoever it was, I'm sure she had the best two-and-a-half minutes of her life I have to admit, I'm a little jealous of Roger and Abi They're so excited about their wedding - Well, we've had our big day - Our big day was crap I thought it was okay How would you know? You were still drunk from the night before To be fair, I was still drunk from the night before that night Our wedding was terrible The band was out of tune, the fish was off and the sex was mediocre I had an upset stomach from the fish I just wish things could have been different, that's all If I was doing it today, I'd do things so much better It's too late now, though, you can't turn back the clock now But we can We could renew our vows - What for? - It would freshen things up Give our marriage a brand new lease of life It would be a whole waste of a Saturday Oh, my God, you're serious about this Okay, okay You go and get the forms, and I'll sign them It's not like getting a new tax disc Come on, Ben, we'll have a We'll have a nice little ceremony You, me, the kids, we'll see if the vicar is free And we'll reaffirm the love we feel for each other What, say we love each other in front of people? I hardly dare say it in front of you - So you're saying no? - (STAMMERING) I No It's Look, I don't like to close the door on these things You know, I think it's pointless (SIGHING) What are you doing? Just getting rid of a few little things I shan't be needing any more This is really important to you, isn't it? Yes, it is Okay, okay, look, if it makes you happy, I'll do it Thank you, darling Actually, I'm not tired any more - I'm not really tired, either - Really? I've got an idea - I bet I can guess what it is - You know me so well I'm gonna get one of my DVDs and put it on the television Guess what? It's the Nuremberg Rally Thank you (MAN SPEAKING IN GERMAN ON TV) (CHEERING ON TV) I love this programme - Would you mind if I watch it with you? - Only if you keep quiet Understood - Get out - I didn't say a peep You cannot hop into bed with me Can I at least sit on the bed? No - How about the very edge? - The very, very edge Uh-uh Uh - That's fine - I won't move from this spot - SUSAN: Ben - Mmm - Ben, darling - Mmm Would you like some coffee? Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, you bet I'd love some coffee Hey, stop that You know what that does to me (WHOOPING) That tickles I'm over here (GIBBERING) Last thing I remember was watching the television and Italy going over to the other side Looks like they're not the only ones (COUGHS) Lovely service, as always Thank you I could see that you enjoyed it Oh, you noticed me? Well, difficult not to when it's only you and me out there (CHUCKLES) A little tip We don't normally whistle and applaud after morning service Sorry, Vicar I just wanted a word with you Dennis, please And don't apologise It's nice to be appreciated Come in Hello, Janey, everything all right? The vicar just came on to me I thought they were supposed to be celibate That's Catholics, dear Which one's this, then? Janey, sit down Janey, I want you to keep Saturday the 14th free Your father and I are renewing our wedding vows Why? Is there some sort of tax break involved? - Mr Harper - Alfie That Nazis in Colour is some programme, isn't it? Yeah, a classic, yeah Listen, Mr Harper, I'm sorry I fell asleep watching the telly I understand that part, Alfie What I don't understand is how you came to be naked Alfie, can we talk to you a minute? - Listen, Mrs Harper, nothing - Shut up! I need you to keep Saturday week free Ben and I are getting married again Oh, that's wonderful You're a lucky woman, Mrs Harper The man has rower's legs Keep away from me I'd be honoured if you'd allow me to bring the gift of song to your wedding Oh, that's lovely, Alfie I don't mean to brag, but the farmers used to call me the Paul McCartney of Caernarfon That's not bragging Oh, there's so much to do Ah, Michael I want you to phone round and track down some of our old friends who attended our first wedding Any of them still alive? Very funny, Michael Oh, no, actually he's gone Now, open your eyes: (WHISTLING) Oh I dug out our old wedding outfits I thought we could do it in these - Whatever grabs you - Mmm-hmm I like your way of thinking I thought you were gonna give this away to charity I tried Yes, they're renewing their vows Look, there's no need for that sort of language Just a simple yes or no will suffice Okay, so you don't like him Are you coming or not? All right, when hell freezes over Grandma's not coming SUSAN: Having trouble in there? Are you kidding? I'm in the best shape of my life (GRUNTING) Oh, my God You look beautiful So do you I'd come over to kiss you, but I can't move my legs Wow, wow! - Wow That dress fits you perfectly - Thank you It's amazing after You've had it altered, haven't you? (PHONE RINGING) Susan It's all right, I'll get it Hello? Yeah Sorry, sorry Hang on, hang on, hang on Oh! Hello Yeah Mark, yeah Hi What, you're kidding? What, me? Oh, yeah Oh, when? Of course Yeah, I'll be there Oh, cheers, Mark Oh, yeah Yeah, bye Susan, great news Great news One of Mark Eddington's clients has fractured his pelvis skiing - And that's a good thing? - Yeah, great thing Yeah, fantastic thing Because you know why? Mark has given me this guy's ticket in the director's box for Chelsea v Man United Oh, good for you, darling Yeah You know what this means, don't you? Valet parking Lunch in the director's box Free champagne all afternoon and I'm gonna be there on Saturday (BEN LAUGHING) - Which Saturday? - 14th And that date means nothing to you? Well, only it's the biggest game of the year and I am gonna be there, woo! Aren't we forgetting someone? Oh, sorry, darling He's only got the one ticket Oh, yeah Oh, the wedding thing, yeah Oh, yeah Okay, yeah, disappointment Yes, I'm sorry Probably best if you call Mark back straight away - Why would I do that? - Tell him you can't go Why can't I go? You've got to be kidding You don't even go to football Well, that's because I have to sit with the peasants This is the director's box I can't believe you're even contemplating it Susan, this is a chance of a lifetime - But I booked the caterers - Look, stop this Just stop this now Look, I was prepared to go along with this, you know, when it was a bit of fun But, you know, I mean, this is getting serious Reaffirming how you feel about me, a bit of fun? Look, look, let's just stop Look, there must be a solution to this There's got Ah, got it So simple How about we reaffirm our vows in the club car park? You're happy, I'm happy (DOOR SLAMMING) Well, forgive me for trying to find a compromise You don't seem to be enjoying Nazis in Colour as much as you were yesterday, Mr Harper Would I be wrong in thinking that all is not well with you and Mrs Harper? Perhaps What makes you think that? Oh, when you're from a rural background and you're a bit closer to nature, you tend to pick up on the signs The body language, the vibrations in the house Mrs Harper in the garden cutting up your shirts Alfie, tell Mr Harper he's getting his own dinner tonight Alfie, tell Mrs Harper I thank her, and my stomach thanks her Alfie, tell Mr Harper all housework will be suspended until further notice Alfie, tell Mrs Harper I'll let her know when I notice - Alfie, tell Mr Harper - Stop, stop, stop I'm sorry for raising my voice like that, but something needed to be done But I refuse to be a shuttlecock in your game of emotional tennis Shuttlecock? That's badminton Not everything has to be an argument, Mr Harper Hey, Mum You ready to go? Dad, look after Kenzo, will you? Mum and I are off to church - Oh, got a date with the vicar? - No, I'm going to turn him down Here Bob the Builder.
Put it on - Bob the Builder! Yeah! - There we go Thanks, Dad Yeah! Yeah, just me and you, eh, Kenzo? The lads, eh? (CHUCKLING) He's selfish, inconsiderate, pig-headed, emotionally stunted Every time I look at him, I just want to slap his stupid face I think we're straying from the subject You're here to talk about renewing your vows Damn right I want to renew them To stand there in the eyes of the Lord and tell that insensitive git I love him I can't help but feel perhaps you're not in the right place for this mentally, Mrs Harper Um, maybe you should postpone Postpone? Postpone? And let him win? He'd like that, wouldn't he? So, Saturday week, yes? - 11:00? Yes - Uh Perhaps I should speak to Mr Harper about this What do you want to speak to him for? Just to make sure that you're both in complete agreement about Listen, Vicar, I'll take care of Ben You just serve up a nice, romantic blessing Got it? Go on, Janey, ditch the vicar Don't be long We have flowers to order Here we go, Kenzo Don't want you to drink alone Cheers - I like Bob the Builder - Yeah, I like Bob the Builder Yeah I think that guy's got the right idea Why? Well, you know, things break, he fixes them He works outdoors, he's appreciated It's the perfect life - Why? - There's no women involved, are there? He hangs around with a bunch of machines No emotions No hormones to deal with Why? Look, Kenzo, I don't want to influence your view of the world, but I think you should know this now That women Women are very difficult to live with Why? Because their brains are smaller than men's Why? Because they've got a bit missing The bit that contains rational thought Why? It's not important What's important is for you to know that women are very good for this planet, because they're very good at one thing But I can't tell you what that one thing is - Why? - Doesn't matter What's important is you must never ever tell your grandmother I told you this Why? Because you will never ever see me again About us going out Yes That could be tricky You see, as a vicar, I have a certain image to uphold It isn't that I didn't like talking to your mother My mother? Oh! Well, when you date me, you get my whole family - Yes, about that - Is that going to be a problem? Janey, we can't go out Really? That's dreadful I'm sure you must be disappointed - Mortified - But if it's any consolation, I would like to do whatever I can to place Kenzo in our school Oh Well, I suppose it's some comfort I've made a list of minimum requirements Okay, fire away, I'm a reasonable man I want you there for the ceremony, the photographs, the lunch, but you can go before the coffee and the cake Unacceptable If I stay for the lunch, I'll miss the pre-match champagne reception Well, what are you offering, then? I'll give you the ceremony (INHALING DEEPLY) You save me a piece of cake Okay, how about this, then? You go to the champagne reception, the lunch, the match, you have drinks with the players afterwards Yeah and we change the renewal of the vows to a quickie divorce It's the cake bit that's upsetting you, isn't it? - I think we're wasting our time here - Look, Susan, please Look, if we bring the whole thing forward two hours then I can catch the football Fine I'll bring everything forward two hours, but you have to write your own vows as per the original agreement, plus I want a mini-break in Paris A dirty weekend in Ramsgate - Chichester - You're on My God, you are so sexy when you negotiate God, I want you - Come here - No, you come here Okay Not on the couch tonight then, Mr Harper? (PANTING) Would you mind horribly if we stopped kissing? - Why? - I just can't do it any more My lips are too tired Nice turnout, Mikey, well done Not a problem - They're not our friends, are they? - No - Who are they? - Polish workmen They don't speak any English, so don't expect too much from the hymns As long as your mum's happy So I wake up stark naked in bed cuddling up with Mr Harper - I guess you had to be there - And what relation are you? Oh, I'm not a relative Mr Harper lets me stay here for nothing (PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS) (MUSIC CHANGES TO O CHRISTMAS TREE) (PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS) Oh, Abi, isn't this exciting? I want our wedding to be exactly the same as this Oh! Can't we have our friends instead? Abi, you're always kidding Ben and Susan, we're gathered here today to celebrate a renewal of your blessed union so many years ago: Truly, it's a divine miracle that you've made it this far And as a symbol of their love and devotion, Ben and Susan have decided to write their own vows Yes, we have Thank you (CLEARING THROAT) Ben, my love for you today is as great as You've written all your heart-felt sentiments on a Post-it? I used both sides Susan, Susan! Susan! Susan! I caught the bouquet Susan Susan, come on, let me in Susan, you know I'm not very good at this The reason I haven't got much written down is because I find it, you know, very difficult describing what you mean to my life, because you are my life You're the first thing I think about when I wake up, you're the last thing I think about when I go to sleep (SIGHING) You're my wife, Susan, my lover, my best friend And I loved you when we married, and I love you now and I'll love you till the day I die (TOILET FLUSHING) Sorry, what was that? I'm really proud of you It took a lot of courage to say that in front of everyone I meant every word Mind you, you left out that "first thing in the morning, "last thing at night" stuff You heard it all, didn't you? Yes, but it didn't hurt to hear it again Your grandad's pretty special I'm a very lucky woman Grandad said you're only good for one thing I'm not going to the game, am I? You may never go out again
- Deep joy - Oh, yeah Ten discs, extra featurettes Ha! Anyone wants me, I'll be on the couch Shall I bring you some snacks, or do you just want to dine on the stuff you dropped between the cushions last time? (SOMBRE CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) Hey, Dad I need your advice - Very funny, Janey - No, I mean it Well, yeah, but does it have to be now? I mean Janey, what can I do for you at this point? You know, you are what you are I failed you, I'll admit that Can I just watch my programme, please? This is important It's about Kenzo's education Now, I'm trying to get him into a good school Yeah Yeah - Everyone says St Justin's is the best - Yeah, right, right Are you even listening to me? I'm trying not to, but you keep talking - Dad, this is serious - Yeah I have to convince the vicar I'm religious I've been going to church every week I've been praying my arse off Hmm Janey, we're at war here Right, what else can I do to impress him? Okay, how do you normally impress people? I usually wear a low-cut blouse and drink through a straw Dear God Why don't you talk to him about the Bible? Or you can make a donation Why don't you talk to him about the Bible? Night, you two BOTH: (MUFFLED) Good night, Susan Oh, Abi, did you remember to set the tape for Celebrity Master Chef? Shut it, Rog, you talk too much - Roger and Abi are still at it - Mmm-hmm - Were we ever that passionate? - Of course we were (CHUCKLING) Remember that weekend on the Norfolk Broads? Ooh! That was real passion I've never been to Norfolk in my life Do you know, I could have sworn it was you Well, whoever it was, I'm sure she had the best two-and-a-half minutes of her life I have to admit, I'm a little jealous of Roger and Abi They're so excited about their wedding - Well, we've had our big day - Our big day was crap I thought it was okay How would you know? You were still drunk from the night before To be fair, I was still drunk from the night before that night Our wedding was terrible The band was out of tune, the fish was off and the sex was mediocre I had an upset stomach from the fish I just wish things could have been different, that's all If I was doing it today, I'd do things so much better It's too late now, though, you can't turn back the clock now But we can We could renew our vows - What for? - It would freshen things up Give our marriage a brand new lease of life It would be a whole waste of a Saturday Oh, my God, you're serious about this Okay, okay You go and get the forms, and I'll sign them It's not like getting a new tax disc Come on, Ben, we'll have a We'll have a nice little ceremony You, me, the kids, we'll see if the vicar is free And we'll reaffirm the love we feel for each other What, say we love each other in front of people? I hardly dare say it in front of you - So you're saying no? - (STAMMERING) I No It's Look, I don't like to close the door on these things You know, I think it's pointless (SIGHING) What are you doing? Just getting rid of a few little things I shan't be needing any more This is really important to you, isn't it? Yes, it is Okay, okay, look, if it makes you happy, I'll do it Thank you, darling Actually, I'm not tired any more - I'm not really tired, either - Really? I've got an idea - I bet I can guess what it is - You know me so well I'm gonna get one of my DVDs and put it on the television Guess what? It's the Nuremberg Rally Thank you (MAN SPEAKING IN GERMAN ON TV) (CHEERING ON TV) I love this programme - Would you mind if I watch it with you? - Only if you keep quiet Understood - Get out - I didn't say a peep You cannot hop into bed with me Can I at least sit on the bed? No - How about the very edge? - The very, very edge Uh-uh Uh - That's fine - I won't move from this spot - SUSAN: Ben - Mmm - Ben, darling - Mmm Would you like some coffee? Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, you bet I'd love some coffee Hey, stop that You know what that does to me (WHOOPING) That tickles I'm over here (GIBBERING) Last thing I remember was watching the television and Italy going over to the other side Looks like they're not the only ones (COUGHS) Lovely service, as always Thank you I could see that you enjoyed it Oh, you noticed me? Well, difficult not to when it's only you and me out there (CHUCKLES) A little tip We don't normally whistle and applaud after morning service Sorry, Vicar I just wanted a word with you Dennis, please And don't apologise It's nice to be appreciated Come in Hello, Janey, everything all right? The vicar just came on to me I thought they were supposed to be celibate That's Catholics, dear Which one's this, then? Janey, sit down Janey, I want you to keep Saturday the 14th free Your father and I are renewing our wedding vows Why? Is there some sort of tax break involved? - Mr Harper - Alfie That Nazis in Colour is some programme, isn't it? Yeah, a classic, yeah Listen, Mr Harper, I'm sorry I fell asleep watching the telly I understand that part, Alfie What I don't understand is how you came to be naked Alfie, can we talk to you a minute? - Listen, Mrs Harper, nothing - Shut up! I need you to keep Saturday week free Ben and I are getting married again Oh, that's wonderful You're a lucky woman, Mrs Harper The man has rower's legs Keep away from me I'd be honoured if you'd allow me to bring the gift of song to your wedding Oh, that's lovely, Alfie I don't mean to brag, but the farmers used to call me the Paul McCartney of Caernarfon That's not bragging Oh, there's so much to do Ah, Michael I want you to phone round and track down some of our old friends who attended our first wedding Any of them still alive? Very funny, Michael Oh, no, actually he's gone Now, open your eyes: (WHISTLING) Oh I dug out our old wedding outfits I thought we could do it in these - Whatever grabs you - Mmm-hmm I like your way of thinking I thought you were gonna give this away to charity I tried Yes, they're renewing their vows Look, there's no need for that sort of language Just a simple yes or no will suffice Okay, so you don't like him Are you coming or not? All right, when hell freezes over Grandma's not coming SUSAN: Having trouble in there? Are you kidding? I'm in the best shape of my life (GRUNTING) Oh, my God You look beautiful So do you I'd come over to kiss you, but I can't move my legs Wow, wow! - Wow That dress fits you perfectly - Thank you It's amazing after You've had it altered, haven't you? (PHONE RINGING) Susan It's all right, I'll get it Hello? Yeah Sorry, sorry Hang on, hang on, hang on Oh! Hello Yeah Mark, yeah Hi What, you're kidding? What, me? Oh, yeah Oh, when? Of course Yeah, I'll be there Oh, cheers, Mark Oh, yeah Yeah, bye Susan, great news Great news One of Mark Eddington's clients has fractured his pelvis skiing - And that's a good thing? - Yeah, great thing Yeah, fantastic thing Because you know why? Mark has given me this guy's ticket in the director's box for Chelsea v Man United Oh, good for you, darling Yeah You know what this means, don't you? Valet parking Lunch in the director's box Free champagne all afternoon and I'm gonna be there on Saturday (BEN LAUGHING) - Which Saturday? - 14th And that date means nothing to you? Well, only it's the biggest game of the year and I am gonna be there, woo! Aren't we forgetting someone? Oh, sorry, darling He's only got the one ticket Oh, yeah Oh, the wedding thing, yeah Oh, yeah Okay, yeah, disappointment Yes, I'm sorry Probably best if you call Mark back straight away - Why would I do that? - Tell him you can't go Why can't I go? You've got to be kidding You don't even go to football Well, that's because I have to sit with the peasants This is the director's box I can't believe you're even contemplating it Susan, this is a chance of a lifetime - But I booked the caterers - Look, stop this Just stop this now Look, I was prepared to go along with this, you know, when it was a bit of fun But, you know, I mean, this is getting serious Reaffirming how you feel about me, a bit of fun? Look, look, let's just stop Look, there must be a solution to this There's got Ah, got it So simple How about we reaffirm our vows in the club car park? You're happy, I'm happy (DOOR SLAMMING) Well, forgive me for trying to find a compromise You don't seem to be enjoying Nazis in Colour as much as you were yesterday, Mr Harper Would I be wrong in thinking that all is not well with you and Mrs Harper? Perhaps What makes you think that? Oh, when you're from a rural background and you're a bit closer to nature, you tend to pick up on the signs The body language, the vibrations in the house Mrs Harper in the garden cutting up your shirts Alfie, tell Mr Harper he's getting his own dinner tonight Alfie, tell Mrs Harper I thank her, and my stomach thanks her Alfie, tell Mr Harper all housework will be suspended until further notice Alfie, tell Mrs Harper I'll let her know when I notice - Alfie, tell Mr Harper - Stop, stop, stop I'm sorry for raising my voice like that, but something needed to be done But I refuse to be a shuttlecock in your game of emotional tennis Shuttlecock? That's badminton Not everything has to be an argument, Mr Harper Hey, Mum You ready to go? Dad, look after Kenzo, will you? Mum and I are off to church - Oh, got a date with the vicar? - No, I'm going to turn him down Here Bob the Builder.
Put it on - Bob the Builder! Yeah! - There we go Thanks, Dad Yeah! Yeah, just me and you, eh, Kenzo? The lads, eh? (CHUCKLING) He's selfish, inconsiderate, pig-headed, emotionally stunted Every time I look at him, I just want to slap his stupid face I think we're straying from the subject You're here to talk about renewing your vows Damn right I want to renew them To stand there in the eyes of the Lord and tell that insensitive git I love him I can't help but feel perhaps you're not in the right place for this mentally, Mrs Harper Um, maybe you should postpone Postpone? Postpone? And let him win? He'd like that, wouldn't he? So, Saturday week, yes? - 11:00? Yes - Uh Perhaps I should speak to Mr Harper about this What do you want to speak to him for? Just to make sure that you're both in complete agreement about Listen, Vicar, I'll take care of Ben You just serve up a nice, romantic blessing Got it? Go on, Janey, ditch the vicar Don't be long We have flowers to order Here we go, Kenzo Don't want you to drink alone Cheers - I like Bob the Builder - Yeah, I like Bob the Builder Yeah I think that guy's got the right idea Why? Well, you know, things break, he fixes them He works outdoors, he's appreciated It's the perfect life - Why? - There's no women involved, are there? He hangs around with a bunch of machines No emotions No hormones to deal with Why? Look, Kenzo, I don't want to influence your view of the world, but I think you should know this now That women Women are very difficult to live with Why? Because their brains are smaller than men's Why? Because they've got a bit missing The bit that contains rational thought Why? It's not important What's important is for you to know that women are very good for this planet, because they're very good at one thing But I can't tell you what that one thing is - Why? - Doesn't matter What's important is you must never ever tell your grandmother I told you this Why? Because you will never ever see me again About us going out Yes That could be tricky You see, as a vicar, I have a certain image to uphold It isn't that I didn't like talking to your mother My mother? Oh! Well, when you date me, you get my whole family - Yes, about that - Is that going to be a problem? Janey, we can't go out Really? That's dreadful I'm sure you must be disappointed - Mortified - But if it's any consolation, I would like to do whatever I can to place Kenzo in our school Oh Well, I suppose it's some comfort I've made a list of minimum requirements Okay, fire away, I'm a reasonable man I want you there for the ceremony, the photographs, the lunch, but you can go before the coffee and the cake Unacceptable If I stay for the lunch, I'll miss the pre-match champagne reception Well, what are you offering, then? I'll give you the ceremony (INHALING DEEPLY) You save me a piece of cake Okay, how about this, then? You go to the champagne reception, the lunch, the match, you have drinks with the players afterwards Yeah and we change the renewal of the vows to a quickie divorce It's the cake bit that's upsetting you, isn't it? - I think we're wasting our time here - Look, Susan, please Look, if we bring the whole thing forward two hours then I can catch the football Fine I'll bring everything forward two hours, but you have to write your own vows as per the original agreement, plus I want a mini-break in Paris A dirty weekend in Ramsgate - Chichester - You're on My God, you are so sexy when you negotiate God, I want you - Come here - No, you come here Okay Not on the couch tonight then, Mr Harper? (PANTING) Would you mind horribly if we stopped kissing? - Why? - I just can't do it any more My lips are too tired Nice turnout, Mikey, well done Not a problem - They're not our friends, are they? - No - Who are they? - Polish workmen They don't speak any English, so don't expect too much from the hymns As long as your mum's happy So I wake up stark naked in bed cuddling up with Mr Harper - I guess you had to be there - And what relation are you? Oh, I'm not a relative Mr Harper lets me stay here for nothing (PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS) (MUSIC CHANGES TO O CHRISTMAS TREE) (PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS) Oh, Abi, isn't this exciting? I want our wedding to be exactly the same as this Oh! Can't we have our friends instead? Abi, you're always kidding Ben and Susan, we're gathered here today to celebrate a renewal of your blessed union so many years ago: Truly, it's a divine miracle that you've made it this far And as a symbol of their love and devotion, Ben and Susan have decided to write their own vows Yes, we have Thank you (CLEARING THROAT) Ben, my love for you today is as great as You've written all your heart-felt sentiments on a Post-it? I used both sides Susan, Susan! Susan! Susan! I caught the bouquet Susan Susan, come on, let me in Susan, you know I'm not very good at this The reason I haven't got much written down is because I find it, you know, very difficult describing what you mean to my life, because you are my life You're the first thing I think about when I wake up, you're the last thing I think about when I go to sleep (SIGHING) You're my wife, Susan, my lover, my best friend And I loved you when we married, and I love you now and I'll love you till the day I die (TOILET FLUSHING) Sorry, what was that? I'm really proud of you It took a lot of courage to say that in front of everyone I meant every word Mind you, you left out that "first thing in the morning, "last thing at night" stuff You heard it all, didn't you? Yes, but it didn't hurt to hear it again Your grandad's pretty special I'm a very lucky woman Grandad said you're only good for one thing I'm not going to the game, am I? You may never go out again