Only Fools and Horses (1981) s07e03 Episode Script
Stage Fright
- I don't believe it! When did this arrive? - This morning.
Well, why didn't you let me know sooner? I couldn't get in touch with yer.
You've been out all morning.
I thought you might have popped home for elevenses.
I've told you before, Unc? Elevenses is for wimps.
I'm out there on that yuppy tightrope, nerves on red alert.
A beta-blocker and a dream, that's me.
I eat on the move, mobile phone in one hand, a Pot Noodle in the other.
I tried to get you on your mobile phone.
That's why Del ended up with an earful of noodles.
Oh look, the boy from the blackstuff's woken up! Look, just 'cos I'm out of work, there's no need to rub it in! For all you know my recent misfortunes could herald a watershed in my life and I could go on to greater things.
Oh yes! You've broken up with your wife, walked out on your lovely home, you resigned from a highly paid job and pulled the chain on your career.
That's just the springboard you need for the future, innit? Something'll turn up.
That's what General Custer said! And something did turn up! Another load of bloody Indians! You should be giving Rodney some encouragement.
I'm worried about him, ain't I? A few months ago, there he was cash on the hip and a glowing future.
Now he's skint and the only thing about him that's glowing is his liver! What happened to that golden handshake he got from the printing firm? He kissed that all up against the wall, didn't he? Blew it on Cuba libres and lairy suits.
I don't believe this git! He has the audacity to sit here moralising with me whilst holding a letter from the magistrates' court saying his case has been brought forward! Everyone goes to court once in their life.
Once? They've given you yer own parking space! Don't change the subject, Rodney! I think what Del's trying to say is: for the last month or so you've been living back at the flat.
In the past that was alright, but now Raquel is pregnant.
Notices and all, innit? See that lump? That's my embryo.
You see Rodney? See what I mean? In a couple of months time, there'll be no space in the flat.
She's gonna be that big, is she? What I mean is, we need that room of yours for nursery.
So this is an ideal time for you to go out and find yer own bachelor pad.
He's waiting for the council to offer him something.
Oh, yeah? Well, we can have a combined party then, can't we, eh? Rodney's house-warming and my son's 21st! For your information, Derek, the council phoned this morning with an offer of accommodation.
No! Really? It's true, Del.
I was there when he got the call.
Well, that's terrific news.
Well done, bruv.
- They've offered me an LDA.
- An LDA! Well, that can't be bad, can it? I'm viewing it this afternoon.
If you want any furniture Young Towser's doing a very nice line in quality reject three-piece suites.
Could come in handy Del, can I ask you something? - Of course you can.
- What's an LDA? I don't know.
It's an abbreviation for something.
I know it's an abbreviation for something! But what? L- D-A.
Maybe it stands for Luxury Detached Abode? Yes! It could do.
I doubt it, but it could do, yeah.
Listen, I'll get us some more drinks, alright? Not for me.
I'd better go home and change.
I'm meeting the council mush in an hour.
Good luck, bruv.
- Mike, be nice of you - Hang on a minute, Del.
- So you thought of a name yet? - No! It's too early for that.
It's best to sort it out early.
Saves rows later.
- OK, Mike, could you give us - Hang on a minute, Del.
- So how's this gonna affect your career then? - What career? I thought you was an actress and a singer and all that.
Yeah.
Well, I think in my condition I'll put my career on hold for a while.
Like 15 years or so.
That reminds me.
You know the Down By The Riverside Club? Yes.
I'm thinking of going down there in a minute and get a drink! Mike, when you're ready! I've only got one pair of hands, mate! I remember the night my wife came home and she told me she was two months pregnant.
- I was a cocktail waiter at the time.
- Ah! It's a moment you'll never forget.
That's right.
I remember it especially, 'cos I'd just come home from three months on a cruise ship.
Oh! Sorry.
Oh no, it was a nice cruise.
Do you wanna see the snaps? A mate of mine from the council's depot's singing there tonight.
What? At the Down By The Riverside Club.
Tony Angelino.
- Who? - Tony Angelino.
That's his stage name.
Sounds terrific that, Trig.
A few drinks, scampi in a basket and the singing road-sweeper.
Cushty.
He's not a road-sweeper! He's on the dust.
Oh well! That's the difference, innit? Sorry! He sung there once before, about six years ago.
Really? He's back by popular demand then, is he? Yeah.
He's got a terrific voice.
He's gonna be a big star one day.
Fancy coming down there tonight? - What you hoping for then Del? - The same again when you're ready - if I can get my order in! - I'm talking about the baby.
- Oh.
Why don't you say so, that is different.
It's gotta be a boy, ain't he? - How do you know? It might be a girl.
- No, no.
I know it's gonna be a boy.
Don't you forget, you can hold a very nice wedding reception up above here.
Come on, let's sit down over there sweetheart.
Have you told any of your family about it? - I've written to my parents.
- I was thinking more about your husband.
My solicitor's still trying to trace his whereabouts.
We've been apart now for seven years so divorce'll be no problem.
Well, when that comes through we'll get hitched.
- Sorry? - We'll tie the knot.
But I might not want to marry you.
What do you mean, you might not wanna marry me? Come on, don't be silly.
I'm not being silly! You haven't even asked me.
I know that! Well you're You're in the old you know.
Where I come from action speaks louder than words.
Would you keep me in the style that I've become accustomed to? - Of course I would.
- Well, there's no way I'm marrying you then! Come on Raquel! We'll have a blinding future together.
Are we? I can see it now.
Everything's beginning to slot into place.
I've got pots and plans bubbling away.
I've got a meeting in half an hour's with an old mate of mine he runs one of these dinner and dance clubs, you know.
I think he wants to buy them 300 packets of crisps I've got in the garage.
He's playing our song badly.
Everything is going well.
Gonna have a lovely future.
This time next year I'm gonna be a millionaire.
- Alright then, I accept.
- Good girl! You know it makes sense.
Maybe tomorrow we could go out and buy an engagement ring? No, I can't tomorrow, darling.
I'm in court.
How is it going, pal? Talk about Marley's ghost! Del Boy! You're looking prosperous.
Yeah, can't complain.
Well, I do, but no one listens.
I've heard good things about you, Del.
You're making your mark in the parish.
I'm pleased for you.
I like to hear about people doing well.
Last time I saw you, you was really struggling.
You was driving round in some shitty little three-wheeled van.
Those were the days, eh? Actually I still got that three-wheeled van.
Nostalgia.
I use it just for bussiness.
What's yer main motor, now Delboy? Some sort of sports coupe, is it? Yeah, something like that.
How long ago was it since we last met? 5-6 years? That long, is it? - Just after we had that little misunderstanding.
- I don't remember that.
Yes you do.
You said I'd done you out of 500 quid.
Well, you did, didn't you? No, no.
I told you at the time.
It was just a misunderstanding.
Yeah, well.
We'll best let sleeping dogs lie, ain't we Del? Yeah, that's it.
It's all in the past, innit, eh? Well, I must say, this is a very very nice place.
Yeah, it's doing some business as well.
Cushty! Very pleased to hear it.
Anyway! What d'you wanna talk to me about? You left a message for me on my answer-machine.
- I thought it was your uncle.
- Same thing.
That's good.
I could do a bit of this.
Got a bit of a problem, Del.
Tomorrow night the club's been booked for a birthday party.
Cabaret, all the exes.
I had a young singing duo booked in, but they've let me down at the last minute.
I've phoned round all the agents.
That's what I've been offered so far.
Looks alright to me.
No good to me Del.
I need a singer.
Someone who knows what they're doing.
Now I heard recently that you was living with some bird who used to do a bit of nightclub singing.
Raquel? Yeah, she used to do some singing.
Mind you, she packed it in ages ago.
Would she fancy coming out of retirement for one night? No, she can't Eric.
She's three months pregnant.
It's hardly hod-carrying, Del.
She only gotta sing four or five songs.
She was telling me about this terrible nervous tension she suffers from before she goes on stage.
I couldn't put her through that.
It's a shame, Del.
I've got a contract here waiting to be signed by someone.
I'm sorry, I'd liked to have helped you pal, but Raquel's given the business up.
It's her life.
I can't go interfering with her wishes.
I'd have made it worth her while.
She'll need a backing group! What d'you mean you promised him? What could I do, sweetheart? It's a mate in trouble.
I don't care who it is, Del! I'm not doing it! - Look, I gave him your word.
- Well, you had no right to! But it's 300 quid, Raquel! I don't care how much it is, Derek! I'm not doing it! Raquel, Eric's in dead lumber.
He's gone through all the agents, he even showed me the list he was offered.
He was offered 12 strippers, 18 blue comedians, a speciality dog act and Lionel Blair.
So what's wrong with that? Nothing's wrong with that, sweetheart.
It's just that Eric wants you! But she's three months pregnant.
I know that, but I'm not asking her to do any belly-dancing, or annything like that, am I? Just to sing a couple of songs, that's all.
Anyway, it doesn't notice, does it? Turn round for us, sweetheart.
There you are, you see? Look at that.
You've got a lovely figure and a beautiful voice.
And that is a gift, and that should be shared with the world.
Or a bunch of drunks in the Starlite Rooms! Del, I've never sung in a real nightclub before! Yes you have.
What about that poster you showed us when you was top of the bill with Otis Redding at the Talk of the Town, London.
It was Laurie London at the Talk of the Town, Reading.
Well, same thing, innit? No, it is not! That was the one and only time I've ever appeared alone on stage.
It was a nightmare.
I forgot the words, I forgot the tune, it was just a nightmare! People actually cheered when they announced last orders.
The only other time I've been on stage has been in a double act.
I was with the magician, the Great Ramondo.
I was in that duo, Double Cream.
See, I don't mind that.
There's someone there to support you.
- Someone there to share the blame.
- Well, I'll get someone to sing along with ya! It's not as simple as that! You've got to get to know each other, rehearse, find out whether we can harmonise and whether we're even compatible.
- We'll do all that and all! - When's the show? - Tomorrow night.
- Tomorrow night? It's impossible! Look Raquel, I've got the contract, I've signed it.
Look, there you are.
Guaranteeing I will supply the cabaret.
Thet is document.
It's legal and binding.
The Trotter International Star Agency! Yeah, that's me.
I've diversified.
Why did you sign a contract before you'd even spoken to me? Because I never thought that you would let me down.
Rodney, probably.
Him, like a shot.
But you? Never.
But still, never mind.
It's the story of my life, really.
My old man let me down, when he walked out and left me to fend for meself.
Then me mum died, that weren't her fault, but I felt that she'd let me down.
Funny the things that go through yer mind when you're 16 and you're just all alone.
I think that's why I've always been straight and up front with people.
Because I hate the thought of them having the feelings that I did.
It says here they're paying you 600 quid! - You mouthy git! - You said 300.
I know I said 300.
And isn't it obvious why I said that? I said that because because I knew that if Raquel thought she was earning 600 pounds for the show that would make her even more nervous than she is now.
So I decided to take the sting out of it, soften the edges, relieve the pressure, by telling her it was only worth 300 quid.
Thank you.
- That means you'll do it for me, sweetheart? - But who will I be singing with? Don't you worry about that.
I won't put you wrong.
You trust me.
We'll go through all my LPs, and make a list of classic hits for you to sing.
But these songs have gotta have musical arrangements.
We need a pianist.
Well, that's no problem, is it? Albert! Yes, Del? Go and fetch the Yellow Pages, we'll find a musician.
- Alright? - I'll think about it, Del.
Cushty! I'm only thinking about it, Del! No promises.
But in the meantime why don't you have a little practice, with your voice.
Get it back in trim, just in case.
Yeah.
Alright, just in case.
I'm gonna make some coffee.
Anyone else? - I'll have one, dear.
- I'll have one sweetheart, thank you.
She's gonna knock 'em bandy, Albert.
Do you know the way to San Jose, I've been away so long I may go wrong and use my way.
She got a voice like an angel.
Raquel.
Sing up, darling, come on, don't be shy.
Lovely Jubbly! Raquel's singing in the Starlite Rooms.
Yeah? Her voice don't half travel, don't it? I mean, she's in the kitch What's up with you? I've just been to view the council's offer of accommodation.
And you were right, LDA does not stand for Luxury Detached Abode.
I had a feeling.
LDA stands for Low Demand Accommodation.
What's that, then? It's a place where no one else wants to live! What they like? They're like this! You saucy git! This place I'll have you know that Raquel, turn the noise down, will ya! We can't hear ourselves a thing out here! You should have seen this place they offered me.
It looked like a time-share apartment on Albert Square.
- Did you take it? - Of course I didn't! Well, you've gotta find a place of your own soon, Rodney.
A few months from now she'll be dropping a kiddie.
Yes, I know! But at the moment the council's my only hope.
I'm out of work and got no money coming in, what am I supposed to do? I don't wish to sound brutal, Rodney, but why don't you get another job? It's not that funny, Albert! With my history the only chance I've got of getting future employment is to go out and get me own window-cleaning round.
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
You left your previous employment of your own accord.
You weren't sacked, you resigned.
So where's the problem? It's not as easy as that, Raquel.
Is it, Derek? You see, Raquel, the only real job that Rodney's had since he left school, was that job he had with Cassandra's dad.
The one resigned from.
I thought prior to that he was a partner in Trotters Independent Traders.
Yes, he was.
And very sorely missed when he left.
But you see, Trotters Independent Traders was never what you call pukka business.
We never actually registered with Company House.
and sort of keep down the old paper work and that.
and income tax and VAT.
So since he was 16 when Rodney left school, the only job he ever had was when he was 26.
So the only time he turned up on the government's computers was when he got that suspended sentence for possession of cannabis.
And you don't fancy window - cleaning? No.
I don't like heights.
Couldn't you specialise in bungalows? Why don't you shut up, Albert! Alan's bound to give Rodney a glowing reference.
We know that, sweetheart.
But where's he gonna say he's been for the last 10 years? In the toilet? No, it's a great picky, Rodney.
You can't get a job doing something you like.
Like, sort of music.
Cause you're interested in music, aren't you? - Even if it was a part-time job? - Yeah, that'd do.
Something like a road manager, or something? Where am I gonna get something like that? You never know your luck, Rodney.
You never know your luck.
He's bloody good, ain't he? Good! He's bloody awful! You don't know what you're talking about, bruv.
Look at all these old dears.
They'll be throwing their corsets on the stage in a minute.
Look, they love him.
Give us a non alcoholic lager top, and a special for me.
If I can just get Raquel and Tony together I'll be on a right winner.
- Del, she's pregnant! - Only just a little bit! You're just exploiting her, ain't yer? No.
Au cauntraire Rodney, au contraire.
She's gonna be earning out of this, and earning well! We've all gotta earn a bit to bring a little bit of money into the flat.
I reckon it's all wrong.
It's got nothing to do with you, is it Rodney? You are just my road manager and part-time at that! I've explained your duties - you just drive 'em to rehearsals, make sure they get tea and sandwiches and sweep up afterwards.
Am I allowed to voice an opinion or repertoire, presentation, arrangement, interpretation? Right.
I will do exactly what you say.
And no bloody more! That is the last word you will hear from me on the subject.
Good.
It's old-fashioned.
Whos' gonna pay money to watch this? Well, they have, for a start.
You think that popular music is all about the top 10.
Well, it's not you know.
Cause 80 per cent of the people in this country they listen to what is known as middle of the road music.
That means, they listen to the gaff like this.
When you take that Roger Whitaker and that John Denver they never appear on Top Of The Pops, but they sell millions and milions of records, and that is bunce, Rodney, that is serious bunce.
And this is my chanceto get where the action is.
I can see it now.
Raquel and Tony.
They could be the new the new Carpenters.
Or plumbers, or brickies.
- Sonny and Cher.
- Chas and Dave.
- Renee and Renato.
- Mills and Boon.
You got that contract? Where is that contract? I don't know if it's all legal.
I ain't been trained in that sorta thing.
You've got two GCEs, that is good enough for me.
Yes, lots of 'forthwiths and 'hereafters'.
Lovely Jubbly.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You've been a wonderful audience.
Ladies and gentlemen - Tony Angelino.
He'll never sign that contract! He'll sign it, Rodney, don't you worry.
Tony, wonderful performance.
Thanks.
Would you mind? Would you, please? - Easier than you thought, weren't it Rodney? - I don't believe you did that! He who dares, Rodney.
He who dares.
Tony, listen.
I've got a bit of business to discuss with you, son.
I've got some bookings for you.
Are you interested? Yeah? Come in ere.
We can talk about it while I'm getting changed.
Tony, can I have your autograph? I'll be out in a minute, honey.
Out in a minute.
Chicks! What is it, a hen-party? No.
It's the local WI.
Still, got to keep them happy.
You know what I mean? My name's Derek Trotter of the Derek Trotter International Stars Agency, Peckham.
You can call me Del.
- This is my roadie, Rodney.
- What's this all about, Del? I am putting together a middle-of-the-road duo.
You and a very talented young singer by the name of Raquel Turner.
I've already a confirmed booking at the Starlite Rooms with an option on a long-term c long term contract if you're good enough.
You're kidding me? The Starlite, eh? I don't get many bookings.
Have you got a manager, Tony? Well, you have now, son.
Me.
I can't understand how someone with your talent hasn't been snapped up already.
Can you, Rodney? - Well if he - There you are, he's as mystified as I am! Noone told you anything about me, then? No.
Is there something I should know? No, no.
When's this booking Del? Tomorrow night.
I know that you and Raquel have got an awful lot of work to do rehearsing, getting your repertoire together and what 'ave yer.
But I've got faith in you.
Cause you're a pro and so is she.
And I'm offering you 100 pound for tomorrow night.
The most I've ever been paid is 50 quid.
Well, you're in the big time now, ain't ya? You'll be rehearsing first thing tomorrow morning.
I've booked a room at the Jesse Jackson Memorial Hall! I'm gonna give Rodney, your road manager, a list of classic hits I want you to rehearse.
No, no.
There are only a few songs I can sing, Del.
And that's why you don't get any bookings.
No, it's not that! It's because I - Because of what? - Nothing.
I know what your problem is son.
You can't accept a challenge.
That's what it is.
But you've got me behind you now.
All you got to do is trust me.
And I'll be straight down the line with you.
No secrets, no small print.
All you've gotta do is trust me, Tony.
You do you trust me, Tony, don't you? - Yeah.
OK, Del.
- Good boy.
You know it makes sense.
- Will you be at the hall in the morning? - No, he's in court tomorrow.
Yes, I'm there as a witness for something.
You want me to sign that? No, you've already signed it, look.
Lovely Jubbly.
I can't believe that was the same bloke.
They're all just costume props.
They all wear 'em.
You don't think Mr Spock's ears are his own, do you? I've found him.
I've found your singing partner.
- He's terrific, ain't he, Rodney? - Yeah.
You gotta see him to believe him, haven't you, Rodney? He's terrific.
He's got this great voice, wonderful stage presence and oodles of charisma.
This boy is gonna be a star.
And not just local, I mean he's gonna be international.
Where d'you learn about him? He works forTrigger down the council depot.
Is that true? - Sean Connery, he worked on the dust.
- And is he like Sean Connery? Well, he wears a wig.
Let me get another lot of drinks.
Rodney, you give me a hand.
Del Boy! I hear you're in court tomorrow.
Don't do a lot for your yuppy image, does it? I dont know.
It's very trendy nowadays.
All the Big Bang boys have done a bit of stir.
It's very fashionable in the City.
Computer fraud, insider dealings, stock manipulation.
What you up for, Del? Fly-pitching.
50 quid fine and a slap on the wrist.
It's an occupational hazard when you're upwardly mobile.
I hear Raquel's up the spout? Thank you very much, Boycie.
Mike can we have a round of drinks please - and whatever poison he wants.
- Crystal, give us a round here, love.
Of course, it ain't easy being a father.
No, it must have been difficult for you with all them test tubes and what have you.
I am not talking about that, Derek! I mean looking after your child's welfare, planning for his future Have you thought about all that? Don't you worry about my kid Boycie, it'll be alright.
Then there's the pregnancy itself.
That can be nine months of pure hell.
Knowing your missus Mike I can believe it.
Of course I was lucky.
Marlene gave birth after only eight months.
Yeah, well they say it's quicker by tube We've just come back from The Riverside Club.
We saw Trigger's mate there singing.
He's terrific, ain't he, Rodney? Perhaps Trig could recommend him to Eric.
Eric? What, from the Starlite Rooms? Yeah, the one who don't like you.
Something about 500 quid.
That all in the past.
But that man holds a grudge.
Anyway, he's got 24 hours to fill a cabaret spot for tomorrow night.
He'll never do it.
I mean, the word's out now.
He's gotta do something.
I've heard Eugene Macarthy's very much looking forward to it.
Who's Eugene Macarthy? A local villain and not a very nice man.
Rumour has it that the SAS pays Eugene protection money.
But what the hell's Eugene gotta do with all this? - Didn't you hear? - What? Eugene owns the Starlite Rooms.
No, no.
It's Eric.
Eric owns the Starlite Rooms Eugene bought him out three months ago.
Yes, there was no boardroom negotiations, no offer and counter-offer.
Eugene gave Eric two choices: Take it or I'll nail you to the door.
Eric - realising that he was dealing with a man who puts out death sentences on Muslims - took it.
Anyway, tomorrow night is Eugene's mum's 82nd birthday.
So he's having a party down at the Starlite Rooms for her and all the nasties.
Eric's down there at the Starlite Rooms, ain't he? Eric is only the manager now though Del.
And part of Eric's managerial duties is booking the cabaret.
But every time he books the cabaret Eugene doesn't like, he probably gets nailed to the nearest door.
So he came up with a brilliant solution.
He started employing the services of local entertainment agencies, so if Eugene gets displeased he takes his wrath out on the agents.
The agents all held a meeting at the local convalescent home and decided to boycott the Starlite Rooms.
So unless Eric finds a mug to supply the cabaret for Eugene's mum's party, B&Q will be selling another door.
- We're in a bit of bother here, bruv.
- Yeah We? We've signed a contract guaranteeing the cabaret! I've signed nothing! I sweep up and I make the tea.
I've been thinking about that.
And I think you ought to have a more creative import in this little project.
And I've been thinking and all, and I don't wanna more creative input.
You just gimme the broom, the teapot and the 50 quid and I'm happy! - Thank you very much, Rodney.
- It's my pleasure, Derek! Come in.
Is Del here yet? I phoned the flat but there's no reply.
Perhaps he's still in court.
- But it's nine o'clock! - Maybe the jury's still out.
Don't be stupid, Rodney! He's only been charged with unlicensed trading! Well, he's ain't here.
- I can't go through with this.
- Why not? What do you mean, why not? You were at rehearsals this morning.
You know what happened! Tony's got a problem.
They might not notice.
Of course they'll notice! How can they not notice? You've gotta go through with this for Del's sake! Eugene Macarthy has sat out there with his mum! Who's Eugene Macarthy? He's not nice people.
Well, you go and tell Eugene Macarthy and his mum that the cabaret's off! Me? I'm just the roadie! Sweep up and make the tea, that was my instructions.
D'you fancy a cup of tea? No, I don't! - D'you want anything swept up? - No.
Well, that's me finished here.
- Gordon Bennett.
- Where the bloody hell have you been? Where have I been? They've put my case on last.
Then there was a 65 quid fine, I realized I'd left me wallet at home.
So I phoned up Sinbad and what does he do? He only gets on the bleeding bus! There I am, banged up in the cells, and Sinbad is trying to fight his way through the Friday afternoon traffic in a bloody bus! Will you shut up for one minute? We have got problems! Problems? What sorta problems? Hello Eugene! Very very nice to see you.
Eric informs me that you're supplying tonight's cabaret? I hope it's good, Del.
It's my old mum's birthday and I don't wanna see her disappointed.
Of course not, Eugene.
It's gonna be the best, nothing but the very best.
Would I do anything less for your dear mother? Let me introduce my brother I'm just the road manager.
I just sweep up, make the tea and I've got nothing to do with the artistic contents or anything like that.
Well, here's to a good evening.
Yes.
Thank you Eugene.
Enjoy yourself.
You sit back and enjoy.
Welcome to the cabaret hour! Before I introduce our star guests this evening, I just have to say happy birthday, Mrs Macarthy - Eugene's mum.
Happy birthday, Lil.
We're proud to present two young British stars whose names may not be familiar to you.
However, if you was a resident of a certain town in Nevada, USA, their names would be on the tips of your tongues.
For they have just finished a sell-out season with Barry Manilow at the Desert Inn, Las Vegas! Where did he get all that crap from? What a stupid question.
they have chosen the Starlite Rooms, in Peckham.
So a warm welcome please for Raquel and Tony.
I was alright for a while.
I could smile for a while.
But when I saw you last night, You held my hand so tight, As you stopped to say hello, And though you wished me well, You couldn't tell, That I'd been crying, over you, Crying, over you, Then you said so long, Left me standing all alone, Alone and crying crying crying crying.
- She's bloody good, ain't she, Rodney? - Cosmic! I though that I was over you, But tell me now, what can I do? I love you even more, than I did before, So, dah'ling, what can I dooo? You don't love me, And I'll always be, Cwying, over you Yes, now you are gone, And fwom this moment on, I'll be cwying.
- Crying.
- Cwying.
What d'you reckon, then? I'll see you later.
So how comes you didn't know he had trouble with his Rs? 'cause he never told me! All he said was he only enjoyed singing certain songs.
Can see what he meant now.
He only sings songs without Rs in 'em! So he chose the songs for tonight? I didn't know, did I? God knows what Eugene and his mum's gonna say.
I never did like that front door anyway.
You bastard! You just walked out and left us! Well, what else could I do? I couldn't go over to Eugene's table and say, "That was alright, different weren't it?" Did you finish the performance? Oh yes, Derek, we saw it through to the death.
Please Welease Me, Congwatulations and The Gween Gween Gwass of Home.
And that was followed by a medley of wock 'n' woll! That is not funny, Wodney - Rodney! I thought it was hilarious! I ain't laughed so much since he caught his beard in the food mixer.
If that's Eugene, tell him I've gone to get the hammer and nails! Who's there? Can I speak to Mr Twotter? It's Tony.
Let him in.
I've come for my money! Not now son.
I'm up to my eyes in it.
Come back tomorrow.
No, not tomowow.
I want my money now! I did the performance, didn't I? I did the wepertoire that you you insisted on.
But I didn't know you couldn't pronounce your Rs! What does that matter? Matters quite a lot when you're singing songs with Rs in! But I don't sing songs with Rs in! And if a song has got an R in it I change the lywics! Well, why didn't you change the lywics tonight? How can I change the lyrics to Cwying? The bloody song's called Cwying! Tony and I did everything you asked us to do, Del, so pay the man his money.
And while you're at it, you owe me money as well.
Alright sweetheart, we'll talk about it tomorrow.
Listen, Trotter, you're not cheating me! It's alright for me to be cheated though, innit? Who's cheated you? Him.
He's cheating me.
You know what he did? He charged me £1.
40 for bus fares! It was only when I was putting me dickie bow on, that I realized he's got a bus pass! And I don't suppose the Starlite Rooms is gonna pay me anything after tonight's disaster! I'm gonna be well out of pocket! We signed a contwact! But my brother drew up that contract and he put in a get-out claus, didn't you, Rodney? - No.
- Why didn't you? 'Cos you didn't tell me to.
I ain't a lawyer.
I sweep up and make the tea, you remember? And you owe me 50 quid! We'll talk about this tomorrow! Anything you say, Rodney.
You know what you've got, don't ya, Dewek? An 'ism'.
An 'ism'? I ain't got an 'ism', have I Rodney? Well, there's a lot of crap in the garage.
You're not alone in your pwejudice.
We've got sexism, wacecism, higheism and ageism.
Well, I'm a victim of pwonunciationism! I've got a good voice! I've got a good style.
I've got a perfect tone.
Just because I pwonouce my Rs differently from the west of you I can never be a star! Just because of my pwonunciation you've dumped me! What about me? I got lumbered with a 'star' whose props come from Lilley & Skinner's Crown Toppers and Mattesons! But you can always find another singer.
I'm stuck with my pwoblem.
No one who pwonounces Rs like I do have ever become successful.
There's Roy Jenkins and Jonathan Ross.
Exactly Doesn't matter - See you, Del.
- Take care, son.
- Waquel.
- Bye, Tony.
- Wodney.
- See you Tony.
Well, don't you two look at me like that! I didn't invent pronunciationism! It's them out there, the public! If I had my way, I think everyone should be allowed to say what they like and how they wanna say it.
It's a free country.
Del's right.
It ain't his fault.
Thank you, Unc.
Help yourself to a brandy.
Hello? Trotters Independence Tra Hello Eugene! You discovered that then, did ya? Funny enough, I was just having a word about that with my road manager here Did she? Well, I can't say I blame her How is she now? Good That's alright then, Eugene.
I'll be round first thing in the morning Bonjour.
D'you wanna hide a pair of pliers in your pocket? He wants to sign you and Tony up for a five-week contract! His mum liked you.
- You're kidding? - No, straight up.
She reckoned it was the funniest thing she'd ever seen in her life! Just a minute! I've got some more bookings for you! Stick with me, son, I'll make you wich!
Well, why didn't you let me know sooner? I couldn't get in touch with yer.
You've been out all morning.
I thought you might have popped home for elevenses.
I've told you before, Unc? Elevenses is for wimps.
I'm out there on that yuppy tightrope, nerves on red alert.
A beta-blocker and a dream, that's me.
I eat on the move, mobile phone in one hand, a Pot Noodle in the other.
I tried to get you on your mobile phone.
That's why Del ended up with an earful of noodles.
Oh look, the boy from the blackstuff's woken up! Look, just 'cos I'm out of work, there's no need to rub it in! For all you know my recent misfortunes could herald a watershed in my life and I could go on to greater things.
Oh yes! You've broken up with your wife, walked out on your lovely home, you resigned from a highly paid job and pulled the chain on your career.
That's just the springboard you need for the future, innit? Something'll turn up.
That's what General Custer said! And something did turn up! Another load of bloody Indians! You should be giving Rodney some encouragement.
I'm worried about him, ain't I? A few months ago, there he was cash on the hip and a glowing future.
Now he's skint and the only thing about him that's glowing is his liver! What happened to that golden handshake he got from the printing firm? He kissed that all up against the wall, didn't he? Blew it on Cuba libres and lairy suits.
I don't believe this git! He has the audacity to sit here moralising with me whilst holding a letter from the magistrates' court saying his case has been brought forward! Everyone goes to court once in their life.
Once? They've given you yer own parking space! Don't change the subject, Rodney! I think what Del's trying to say is: for the last month or so you've been living back at the flat.
In the past that was alright, but now Raquel is pregnant.
Notices and all, innit? See that lump? That's my embryo.
You see Rodney? See what I mean? In a couple of months time, there'll be no space in the flat.
She's gonna be that big, is she? What I mean is, we need that room of yours for nursery.
So this is an ideal time for you to go out and find yer own bachelor pad.
He's waiting for the council to offer him something.
Oh, yeah? Well, we can have a combined party then, can't we, eh? Rodney's house-warming and my son's 21st! For your information, Derek, the council phoned this morning with an offer of accommodation.
No! Really? It's true, Del.
I was there when he got the call.
Well, that's terrific news.
Well done, bruv.
- They've offered me an LDA.
- An LDA! Well, that can't be bad, can it? I'm viewing it this afternoon.
If you want any furniture Young Towser's doing a very nice line in quality reject three-piece suites.
Could come in handy Del, can I ask you something? - Of course you can.
- What's an LDA? I don't know.
It's an abbreviation for something.
I know it's an abbreviation for something! But what? L- D-A.
Maybe it stands for Luxury Detached Abode? Yes! It could do.
I doubt it, but it could do, yeah.
Listen, I'll get us some more drinks, alright? Not for me.
I'd better go home and change.
I'm meeting the council mush in an hour.
Good luck, bruv.
- Mike, be nice of you - Hang on a minute, Del.
- So you thought of a name yet? - No! It's too early for that.
It's best to sort it out early.
Saves rows later.
- OK, Mike, could you give us - Hang on a minute, Del.
- So how's this gonna affect your career then? - What career? I thought you was an actress and a singer and all that.
Yeah.
Well, I think in my condition I'll put my career on hold for a while.
Like 15 years or so.
That reminds me.
You know the Down By The Riverside Club? Yes.
I'm thinking of going down there in a minute and get a drink! Mike, when you're ready! I've only got one pair of hands, mate! I remember the night my wife came home and she told me she was two months pregnant.
- I was a cocktail waiter at the time.
- Ah! It's a moment you'll never forget.
That's right.
I remember it especially, 'cos I'd just come home from three months on a cruise ship.
Oh! Sorry.
Oh no, it was a nice cruise.
Do you wanna see the snaps? A mate of mine from the council's depot's singing there tonight.
What? At the Down By The Riverside Club.
Tony Angelino.
- Who? - Tony Angelino.
That's his stage name.
Sounds terrific that, Trig.
A few drinks, scampi in a basket and the singing road-sweeper.
Cushty.
He's not a road-sweeper! He's on the dust.
Oh well! That's the difference, innit? Sorry! He sung there once before, about six years ago.
Really? He's back by popular demand then, is he? Yeah.
He's got a terrific voice.
He's gonna be a big star one day.
Fancy coming down there tonight? - What you hoping for then Del? - The same again when you're ready - if I can get my order in! - I'm talking about the baby.
- Oh.
Why don't you say so, that is different.
It's gotta be a boy, ain't he? - How do you know? It might be a girl.
- No, no.
I know it's gonna be a boy.
Don't you forget, you can hold a very nice wedding reception up above here.
Come on, let's sit down over there sweetheart.
Have you told any of your family about it? - I've written to my parents.
- I was thinking more about your husband.
My solicitor's still trying to trace his whereabouts.
We've been apart now for seven years so divorce'll be no problem.
Well, when that comes through we'll get hitched.
- Sorry? - We'll tie the knot.
But I might not want to marry you.
What do you mean, you might not wanna marry me? Come on, don't be silly.
I'm not being silly! You haven't even asked me.
I know that! Well you're You're in the old you know.
Where I come from action speaks louder than words.
Would you keep me in the style that I've become accustomed to? - Of course I would.
- Well, there's no way I'm marrying you then! Come on Raquel! We'll have a blinding future together.
Are we? I can see it now.
Everything's beginning to slot into place.
I've got pots and plans bubbling away.
I've got a meeting in half an hour's with an old mate of mine he runs one of these dinner and dance clubs, you know.
I think he wants to buy them 300 packets of crisps I've got in the garage.
He's playing our song badly.
Everything is going well.
Gonna have a lovely future.
This time next year I'm gonna be a millionaire.
- Alright then, I accept.
- Good girl! You know it makes sense.
Maybe tomorrow we could go out and buy an engagement ring? No, I can't tomorrow, darling.
I'm in court.
How is it going, pal? Talk about Marley's ghost! Del Boy! You're looking prosperous.
Yeah, can't complain.
Well, I do, but no one listens.
I've heard good things about you, Del.
You're making your mark in the parish.
I'm pleased for you.
I like to hear about people doing well.
Last time I saw you, you was really struggling.
You was driving round in some shitty little three-wheeled van.
Those were the days, eh? Actually I still got that three-wheeled van.
Nostalgia.
I use it just for bussiness.
What's yer main motor, now Delboy? Some sort of sports coupe, is it? Yeah, something like that.
How long ago was it since we last met? 5-6 years? That long, is it? - Just after we had that little misunderstanding.
- I don't remember that.
Yes you do.
You said I'd done you out of 500 quid.
Well, you did, didn't you? No, no.
I told you at the time.
It was just a misunderstanding.
Yeah, well.
We'll best let sleeping dogs lie, ain't we Del? Yeah, that's it.
It's all in the past, innit, eh? Well, I must say, this is a very very nice place.
Yeah, it's doing some business as well.
Cushty! Very pleased to hear it.
Anyway! What d'you wanna talk to me about? You left a message for me on my answer-machine.
- I thought it was your uncle.
- Same thing.
That's good.
I could do a bit of this.
Got a bit of a problem, Del.
Tomorrow night the club's been booked for a birthday party.
Cabaret, all the exes.
I had a young singing duo booked in, but they've let me down at the last minute.
I've phoned round all the agents.
That's what I've been offered so far.
Looks alright to me.
No good to me Del.
I need a singer.
Someone who knows what they're doing.
Now I heard recently that you was living with some bird who used to do a bit of nightclub singing.
Raquel? Yeah, she used to do some singing.
Mind you, she packed it in ages ago.
Would she fancy coming out of retirement for one night? No, she can't Eric.
She's three months pregnant.
It's hardly hod-carrying, Del.
She only gotta sing four or five songs.
She was telling me about this terrible nervous tension she suffers from before she goes on stage.
I couldn't put her through that.
It's a shame, Del.
I've got a contract here waiting to be signed by someone.
I'm sorry, I'd liked to have helped you pal, but Raquel's given the business up.
It's her life.
I can't go interfering with her wishes.
I'd have made it worth her while.
She'll need a backing group! What d'you mean you promised him? What could I do, sweetheart? It's a mate in trouble.
I don't care who it is, Del! I'm not doing it! - Look, I gave him your word.
- Well, you had no right to! But it's 300 quid, Raquel! I don't care how much it is, Derek! I'm not doing it! Raquel, Eric's in dead lumber.
He's gone through all the agents, he even showed me the list he was offered.
He was offered 12 strippers, 18 blue comedians, a speciality dog act and Lionel Blair.
So what's wrong with that? Nothing's wrong with that, sweetheart.
It's just that Eric wants you! But she's three months pregnant.
I know that, but I'm not asking her to do any belly-dancing, or annything like that, am I? Just to sing a couple of songs, that's all.
Anyway, it doesn't notice, does it? Turn round for us, sweetheart.
There you are, you see? Look at that.
You've got a lovely figure and a beautiful voice.
And that is a gift, and that should be shared with the world.
Or a bunch of drunks in the Starlite Rooms! Del, I've never sung in a real nightclub before! Yes you have.
What about that poster you showed us when you was top of the bill with Otis Redding at the Talk of the Town, London.
It was Laurie London at the Talk of the Town, Reading.
Well, same thing, innit? No, it is not! That was the one and only time I've ever appeared alone on stage.
It was a nightmare.
I forgot the words, I forgot the tune, it was just a nightmare! People actually cheered when they announced last orders.
The only other time I've been on stage has been in a double act.
I was with the magician, the Great Ramondo.
I was in that duo, Double Cream.
See, I don't mind that.
There's someone there to support you.
- Someone there to share the blame.
- Well, I'll get someone to sing along with ya! It's not as simple as that! You've got to get to know each other, rehearse, find out whether we can harmonise and whether we're even compatible.
- We'll do all that and all! - When's the show? - Tomorrow night.
- Tomorrow night? It's impossible! Look Raquel, I've got the contract, I've signed it.
Look, there you are.
Guaranteeing I will supply the cabaret.
Thet is document.
It's legal and binding.
The Trotter International Star Agency! Yeah, that's me.
I've diversified.
Why did you sign a contract before you'd even spoken to me? Because I never thought that you would let me down.
Rodney, probably.
Him, like a shot.
But you? Never.
But still, never mind.
It's the story of my life, really.
My old man let me down, when he walked out and left me to fend for meself.
Then me mum died, that weren't her fault, but I felt that she'd let me down.
Funny the things that go through yer mind when you're 16 and you're just all alone.
I think that's why I've always been straight and up front with people.
Because I hate the thought of them having the feelings that I did.
It says here they're paying you 600 quid! - You mouthy git! - You said 300.
I know I said 300.
And isn't it obvious why I said that? I said that because because I knew that if Raquel thought she was earning 600 pounds for the show that would make her even more nervous than she is now.
So I decided to take the sting out of it, soften the edges, relieve the pressure, by telling her it was only worth 300 quid.
Thank you.
- That means you'll do it for me, sweetheart? - But who will I be singing with? Don't you worry about that.
I won't put you wrong.
You trust me.
We'll go through all my LPs, and make a list of classic hits for you to sing.
But these songs have gotta have musical arrangements.
We need a pianist.
Well, that's no problem, is it? Albert! Yes, Del? Go and fetch the Yellow Pages, we'll find a musician.
- Alright? - I'll think about it, Del.
Cushty! I'm only thinking about it, Del! No promises.
But in the meantime why don't you have a little practice, with your voice.
Get it back in trim, just in case.
Yeah.
Alright, just in case.
I'm gonna make some coffee.
Anyone else? - I'll have one, dear.
- I'll have one sweetheart, thank you.
She's gonna knock 'em bandy, Albert.
Do you know the way to San Jose, I've been away so long I may go wrong and use my way.
She got a voice like an angel.
Raquel.
Sing up, darling, come on, don't be shy.
Lovely Jubbly! Raquel's singing in the Starlite Rooms.
Yeah? Her voice don't half travel, don't it? I mean, she's in the kitch What's up with you? I've just been to view the council's offer of accommodation.
And you were right, LDA does not stand for Luxury Detached Abode.
I had a feeling.
LDA stands for Low Demand Accommodation.
What's that, then? It's a place where no one else wants to live! What they like? They're like this! You saucy git! This place I'll have you know that Raquel, turn the noise down, will ya! We can't hear ourselves a thing out here! You should have seen this place they offered me.
It looked like a time-share apartment on Albert Square.
- Did you take it? - Of course I didn't! Well, you've gotta find a place of your own soon, Rodney.
A few months from now she'll be dropping a kiddie.
Yes, I know! But at the moment the council's my only hope.
I'm out of work and got no money coming in, what am I supposed to do? I don't wish to sound brutal, Rodney, but why don't you get another job? It's not that funny, Albert! With my history the only chance I've got of getting future employment is to go out and get me own window-cleaning round.
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
You left your previous employment of your own accord.
You weren't sacked, you resigned.
So where's the problem? It's not as easy as that, Raquel.
Is it, Derek? You see, Raquel, the only real job that Rodney's had since he left school, was that job he had with Cassandra's dad.
The one resigned from.
I thought prior to that he was a partner in Trotters Independent Traders.
Yes, he was.
And very sorely missed when he left.
But you see, Trotters Independent Traders was never what you call pukka business.
We never actually registered with Company House.
and sort of keep down the old paper work and that.
and income tax and VAT.
So since he was 16 when Rodney left school, the only job he ever had was when he was 26.
So the only time he turned up on the government's computers was when he got that suspended sentence for possession of cannabis.
And you don't fancy window - cleaning? No.
I don't like heights.
Couldn't you specialise in bungalows? Why don't you shut up, Albert! Alan's bound to give Rodney a glowing reference.
We know that, sweetheart.
But where's he gonna say he's been for the last 10 years? In the toilet? No, it's a great picky, Rodney.
You can't get a job doing something you like.
Like, sort of music.
Cause you're interested in music, aren't you? - Even if it was a part-time job? - Yeah, that'd do.
Something like a road manager, or something? Where am I gonna get something like that? You never know your luck, Rodney.
You never know your luck.
He's bloody good, ain't he? Good! He's bloody awful! You don't know what you're talking about, bruv.
Look at all these old dears.
They'll be throwing their corsets on the stage in a minute.
Look, they love him.
Give us a non alcoholic lager top, and a special for me.
If I can just get Raquel and Tony together I'll be on a right winner.
- Del, she's pregnant! - Only just a little bit! You're just exploiting her, ain't yer? No.
Au cauntraire Rodney, au contraire.
She's gonna be earning out of this, and earning well! We've all gotta earn a bit to bring a little bit of money into the flat.
I reckon it's all wrong.
It's got nothing to do with you, is it Rodney? You are just my road manager and part-time at that! I've explained your duties - you just drive 'em to rehearsals, make sure they get tea and sandwiches and sweep up afterwards.
Am I allowed to voice an opinion or repertoire, presentation, arrangement, interpretation? Right.
I will do exactly what you say.
And no bloody more! That is the last word you will hear from me on the subject.
Good.
It's old-fashioned.
Whos' gonna pay money to watch this? Well, they have, for a start.
You think that popular music is all about the top 10.
Well, it's not you know.
Cause 80 per cent of the people in this country they listen to what is known as middle of the road music.
That means, they listen to the gaff like this.
When you take that Roger Whitaker and that John Denver they never appear on Top Of The Pops, but they sell millions and milions of records, and that is bunce, Rodney, that is serious bunce.
And this is my chanceto get where the action is.
I can see it now.
Raquel and Tony.
They could be the new the new Carpenters.
Or plumbers, or brickies.
- Sonny and Cher.
- Chas and Dave.
- Renee and Renato.
- Mills and Boon.
You got that contract? Where is that contract? I don't know if it's all legal.
I ain't been trained in that sorta thing.
You've got two GCEs, that is good enough for me.
Yes, lots of 'forthwiths and 'hereafters'.
Lovely Jubbly.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You've been a wonderful audience.
Ladies and gentlemen - Tony Angelino.
He'll never sign that contract! He'll sign it, Rodney, don't you worry.
Tony, wonderful performance.
Thanks.
Would you mind? Would you, please? - Easier than you thought, weren't it Rodney? - I don't believe you did that! He who dares, Rodney.
He who dares.
Tony, listen.
I've got a bit of business to discuss with you, son.
I've got some bookings for you.
Are you interested? Yeah? Come in ere.
We can talk about it while I'm getting changed.
Tony, can I have your autograph? I'll be out in a minute, honey.
Out in a minute.
Chicks! What is it, a hen-party? No.
It's the local WI.
Still, got to keep them happy.
You know what I mean? My name's Derek Trotter of the Derek Trotter International Stars Agency, Peckham.
You can call me Del.
- This is my roadie, Rodney.
- What's this all about, Del? I am putting together a middle-of-the-road duo.
You and a very talented young singer by the name of Raquel Turner.
I've already a confirmed booking at the Starlite Rooms with an option on a long-term c long term contract if you're good enough.
You're kidding me? The Starlite, eh? I don't get many bookings.
Have you got a manager, Tony? Well, you have now, son.
Me.
I can't understand how someone with your talent hasn't been snapped up already.
Can you, Rodney? - Well if he - There you are, he's as mystified as I am! Noone told you anything about me, then? No.
Is there something I should know? No, no.
When's this booking Del? Tomorrow night.
I know that you and Raquel have got an awful lot of work to do rehearsing, getting your repertoire together and what 'ave yer.
But I've got faith in you.
Cause you're a pro and so is she.
And I'm offering you 100 pound for tomorrow night.
The most I've ever been paid is 50 quid.
Well, you're in the big time now, ain't ya? You'll be rehearsing first thing tomorrow morning.
I've booked a room at the Jesse Jackson Memorial Hall! I'm gonna give Rodney, your road manager, a list of classic hits I want you to rehearse.
No, no.
There are only a few songs I can sing, Del.
And that's why you don't get any bookings.
No, it's not that! It's because I - Because of what? - Nothing.
I know what your problem is son.
You can't accept a challenge.
That's what it is.
But you've got me behind you now.
All you got to do is trust me.
And I'll be straight down the line with you.
No secrets, no small print.
All you've gotta do is trust me, Tony.
You do you trust me, Tony, don't you? - Yeah.
OK, Del.
- Good boy.
You know it makes sense.
- Will you be at the hall in the morning? - No, he's in court tomorrow.
Yes, I'm there as a witness for something.
You want me to sign that? No, you've already signed it, look.
Lovely Jubbly.
I can't believe that was the same bloke.
They're all just costume props.
They all wear 'em.
You don't think Mr Spock's ears are his own, do you? I've found him.
I've found your singing partner.
- He's terrific, ain't he, Rodney? - Yeah.
You gotta see him to believe him, haven't you, Rodney? He's terrific.
He's got this great voice, wonderful stage presence and oodles of charisma.
This boy is gonna be a star.
And not just local, I mean he's gonna be international.
Where d'you learn about him? He works forTrigger down the council depot.
Is that true? - Sean Connery, he worked on the dust.
- And is he like Sean Connery? Well, he wears a wig.
Let me get another lot of drinks.
Rodney, you give me a hand.
Del Boy! I hear you're in court tomorrow.
Don't do a lot for your yuppy image, does it? I dont know.
It's very trendy nowadays.
All the Big Bang boys have done a bit of stir.
It's very fashionable in the City.
Computer fraud, insider dealings, stock manipulation.
What you up for, Del? Fly-pitching.
50 quid fine and a slap on the wrist.
It's an occupational hazard when you're upwardly mobile.
I hear Raquel's up the spout? Thank you very much, Boycie.
Mike can we have a round of drinks please - and whatever poison he wants.
- Crystal, give us a round here, love.
Of course, it ain't easy being a father.
No, it must have been difficult for you with all them test tubes and what have you.
I am not talking about that, Derek! I mean looking after your child's welfare, planning for his future Have you thought about all that? Don't you worry about my kid Boycie, it'll be alright.
Then there's the pregnancy itself.
That can be nine months of pure hell.
Knowing your missus Mike I can believe it.
Of course I was lucky.
Marlene gave birth after only eight months.
Yeah, well they say it's quicker by tube We've just come back from The Riverside Club.
We saw Trigger's mate there singing.
He's terrific, ain't he, Rodney? Perhaps Trig could recommend him to Eric.
Eric? What, from the Starlite Rooms? Yeah, the one who don't like you.
Something about 500 quid.
That all in the past.
But that man holds a grudge.
Anyway, he's got 24 hours to fill a cabaret spot for tomorrow night.
He'll never do it.
I mean, the word's out now.
He's gotta do something.
I've heard Eugene Macarthy's very much looking forward to it.
Who's Eugene Macarthy? A local villain and not a very nice man.
Rumour has it that the SAS pays Eugene protection money.
But what the hell's Eugene gotta do with all this? - Didn't you hear? - What? Eugene owns the Starlite Rooms.
No, no.
It's Eric.
Eric owns the Starlite Rooms Eugene bought him out three months ago.
Yes, there was no boardroom negotiations, no offer and counter-offer.
Eugene gave Eric two choices: Take it or I'll nail you to the door.
Eric - realising that he was dealing with a man who puts out death sentences on Muslims - took it.
Anyway, tomorrow night is Eugene's mum's 82nd birthday.
So he's having a party down at the Starlite Rooms for her and all the nasties.
Eric's down there at the Starlite Rooms, ain't he? Eric is only the manager now though Del.
And part of Eric's managerial duties is booking the cabaret.
But every time he books the cabaret Eugene doesn't like, he probably gets nailed to the nearest door.
So he came up with a brilliant solution.
He started employing the services of local entertainment agencies, so if Eugene gets displeased he takes his wrath out on the agents.
The agents all held a meeting at the local convalescent home and decided to boycott the Starlite Rooms.
So unless Eric finds a mug to supply the cabaret for Eugene's mum's party, B&Q will be selling another door.
- We're in a bit of bother here, bruv.
- Yeah We? We've signed a contract guaranteeing the cabaret! I've signed nothing! I sweep up and I make the tea.
I've been thinking about that.
And I think you ought to have a more creative import in this little project.
And I've been thinking and all, and I don't wanna more creative input.
You just gimme the broom, the teapot and the 50 quid and I'm happy! - Thank you very much, Rodney.
- It's my pleasure, Derek! Come in.
Is Del here yet? I phoned the flat but there's no reply.
Perhaps he's still in court.
- But it's nine o'clock! - Maybe the jury's still out.
Don't be stupid, Rodney! He's only been charged with unlicensed trading! Well, he's ain't here.
- I can't go through with this.
- Why not? What do you mean, why not? You were at rehearsals this morning.
You know what happened! Tony's got a problem.
They might not notice.
Of course they'll notice! How can they not notice? You've gotta go through with this for Del's sake! Eugene Macarthy has sat out there with his mum! Who's Eugene Macarthy? He's not nice people.
Well, you go and tell Eugene Macarthy and his mum that the cabaret's off! Me? I'm just the roadie! Sweep up and make the tea, that was my instructions.
D'you fancy a cup of tea? No, I don't! - D'you want anything swept up? - No.
Well, that's me finished here.
- Gordon Bennett.
- Where the bloody hell have you been? Where have I been? They've put my case on last.
Then there was a 65 quid fine, I realized I'd left me wallet at home.
So I phoned up Sinbad and what does he do? He only gets on the bleeding bus! There I am, banged up in the cells, and Sinbad is trying to fight his way through the Friday afternoon traffic in a bloody bus! Will you shut up for one minute? We have got problems! Problems? What sorta problems? Hello Eugene! Very very nice to see you.
Eric informs me that you're supplying tonight's cabaret? I hope it's good, Del.
It's my old mum's birthday and I don't wanna see her disappointed.
Of course not, Eugene.
It's gonna be the best, nothing but the very best.
Would I do anything less for your dear mother? Let me introduce my brother I'm just the road manager.
I just sweep up, make the tea and I've got nothing to do with the artistic contents or anything like that.
Well, here's to a good evening.
Yes.
Thank you Eugene.
Enjoy yourself.
You sit back and enjoy.
Welcome to the cabaret hour! Before I introduce our star guests this evening, I just have to say happy birthday, Mrs Macarthy - Eugene's mum.
Happy birthday, Lil.
We're proud to present two young British stars whose names may not be familiar to you.
However, if you was a resident of a certain town in Nevada, USA, their names would be on the tips of your tongues.
For they have just finished a sell-out season with Barry Manilow at the Desert Inn, Las Vegas! Where did he get all that crap from? What a stupid question.
they have chosen the Starlite Rooms, in Peckham.
So a warm welcome please for Raquel and Tony.
I was alright for a while.
I could smile for a while.
But when I saw you last night, You held my hand so tight, As you stopped to say hello, And though you wished me well, You couldn't tell, That I'd been crying, over you, Crying, over you, Then you said so long, Left me standing all alone, Alone and crying crying crying crying.
- She's bloody good, ain't she, Rodney? - Cosmic! I though that I was over you, But tell me now, what can I do? I love you even more, than I did before, So, dah'ling, what can I dooo? You don't love me, And I'll always be, Cwying, over you Yes, now you are gone, And fwom this moment on, I'll be cwying.
- Crying.
- Cwying.
What d'you reckon, then? I'll see you later.
So how comes you didn't know he had trouble with his Rs? 'cause he never told me! All he said was he only enjoyed singing certain songs.
Can see what he meant now.
He only sings songs without Rs in 'em! So he chose the songs for tonight? I didn't know, did I? God knows what Eugene and his mum's gonna say.
I never did like that front door anyway.
You bastard! You just walked out and left us! Well, what else could I do? I couldn't go over to Eugene's table and say, "That was alright, different weren't it?" Did you finish the performance? Oh yes, Derek, we saw it through to the death.
Please Welease Me, Congwatulations and The Gween Gween Gwass of Home.
And that was followed by a medley of wock 'n' woll! That is not funny, Wodney - Rodney! I thought it was hilarious! I ain't laughed so much since he caught his beard in the food mixer.
If that's Eugene, tell him I've gone to get the hammer and nails! Who's there? Can I speak to Mr Twotter? It's Tony.
Let him in.
I've come for my money! Not now son.
I'm up to my eyes in it.
Come back tomorrow.
No, not tomowow.
I want my money now! I did the performance, didn't I? I did the wepertoire that you you insisted on.
But I didn't know you couldn't pronounce your Rs! What does that matter? Matters quite a lot when you're singing songs with Rs in! But I don't sing songs with Rs in! And if a song has got an R in it I change the lywics! Well, why didn't you change the lywics tonight? How can I change the lyrics to Cwying? The bloody song's called Cwying! Tony and I did everything you asked us to do, Del, so pay the man his money.
And while you're at it, you owe me money as well.
Alright sweetheart, we'll talk about it tomorrow.
Listen, Trotter, you're not cheating me! It's alright for me to be cheated though, innit? Who's cheated you? Him.
He's cheating me.
You know what he did? He charged me £1.
40 for bus fares! It was only when I was putting me dickie bow on, that I realized he's got a bus pass! And I don't suppose the Starlite Rooms is gonna pay me anything after tonight's disaster! I'm gonna be well out of pocket! We signed a contwact! But my brother drew up that contract and he put in a get-out claus, didn't you, Rodney? - No.
- Why didn't you? 'Cos you didn't tell me to.
I ain't a lawyer.
I sweep up and make the tea, you remember? And you owe me 50 quid! We'll talk about this tomorrow! Anything you say, Rodney.
You know what you've got, don't ya, Dewek? An 'ism'.
An 'ism'? I ain't got an 'ism', have I Rodney? Well, there's a lot of crap in the garage.
You're not alone in your pwejudice.
We've got sexism, wacecism, higheism and ageism.
Well, I'm a victim of pwonunciationism! I've got a good voice! I've got a good style.
I've got a perfect tone.
Just because I pwonouce my Rs differently from the west of you I can never be a star! Just because of my pwonunciation you've dumped me! What about me? I got lumbered with a 'star' whose props come from Lilley & Skinner's Crown Toppers and Mattesons! But you can always find another singer.
I'm stuck with my pwoblem.
No one who pwonounces Rs like I do have ever become successful.
There's Roy Jenkins and Jonathan Ross.
Exactly Doesn't matter - See you, Del.
- Take care, son.
- Waquel.
- Bye, Tony.
- Wodney.
- See you Tony.
Well, don't you two look at me like that! I didn't invent pronunciationism! It's them out there, the public! If I had my way, I think everyone should be allowed to say what they like and how they wanna say it.
It's a free country.
Del's right.
It ain't his fault.
Thank you, Unc.
Help yourself to a brandy.
Hello? Trotters Independence Tra Hello Eugene! You discovered that then, did ya? Funny enough, I was just having a word about that with my road manager here Did she? Well, I can't say I blame her How is she now? Good That's alright then, Eugene.
I'll be round first thing in the morning Bonjour.
D'you wanna hide a pair of pliers in your pocket? He wants to sign you and Tony up for a five-week contract! His mum liked you.
- You're kidding? - No, straight up.
She reckoned it was the funniest thing she'd ever seen in her life! Just a minute! I've got some more bookings for you! Stick with me, son, I'll make you wich!