Orange Is the New Black s07e03 Episode Script
And Brown Is the New Orange
1 [CELL DOOR SLAMS.]
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
[CELL DOOR SLAMS.]
[CELL DOOR SLAMS.]
It's bold.
I'll give her that.
- Boldly stupid.
- [DANILO.]
Everybody out! Did I stutter? Get out.
[YOUNG.]
Go on, out! You won't get to go home, but you can't stay here.
Reznikov, I said move your ass.
[IN GUTTURAL VOICE.]
Put one foot in front of the other and step the fuck out.
- [GASPS.]
- Let's go, Cathy.
Time to get up.
[BADISON CHUCKLING.]
Oh, looks like Chatty Cathy ain't so chatty no more, huh? Where you taking us? A cage match? How do we know this ain't another one of your sick games? Relax.
The SHU is closing down.
- What? Why? - New sheriff in town.
What happened to the old sheriff? - I need to push it all the way in.
- [SCREAMS.]
Goddamn motherfuck! Ah! [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
All done.
So is this what you pictured when we started talking babymaking? Well, you weren't not bent over a kitchen island, ass up.
You want me to talk to your body for you? Give it encouragement? Maybe massage the area, huh? Joe, I'm not getting pregnant through my ass cheek.
I figure it's never too early to show the kid who's good cop around here.
So that would make me bad cop? Mmm.
Make you firm cop.
[CHUCKLING.]
Because I'm cold and heartless.
- Well, you are the new "ice" queen.
- Hilarious.
Why are we even doing this if you don't think I'm gonna be a good mother? [CHUCKLES.]
Babe, I am balls deep in medical science for you.
You think I would be poking that gorgeous ass with needles if I didn't think you were gonna be an amazing mother? Come on.
Safe Safe to approach? Hmm? - What's this all about? First-day jitters? - Oh, gross.
I hate when you try and predict my feelings, but yeah.
Mmm.
Maybe what you need is a Joe Caputo pep talk.
Oh, please.
Save it for your 12-year-old mentee who stole my job.
To be fair, you got fired.
And she's 26.
Not helping! [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
- The hell is this? - CO Hopper, good morning.
Ad Seg's already at capacity, and your first day on the job, you're closing down the SHU? That is right.
We will no longer be using solitary confinement as a means of discipline.
Listen.
Over and over, studies conclude that it's cruel and ineffective, and it results in memory loss, suicidal tendencies Tamika, we need a means of discipline.
All right? We need the threat of a means of discipline.
And incentive programs motivate good behavior far more than fear of punishment.
Well, if we're not punishing them, then what the hell is the point of prison? Rehabilitation.
Or at least it should be.
Perfect.
Perfect.
So why don't we give them gold stars and nut-free snacks while we're at it? If that's actually a suggestion, Hopper, you're welcome to add it to my suggestion box.
[CHUCKLES.]
You wanna know what I think? I think this is a move.
I think it's your way of justifying why they gave you this job.
Excuse me, they didn't give me this job.
I got this job.
Yeah, let's go with that.
Not that I have to list my résumé to you, but I've been taking prison management courses - for months now without you - Oh, come on, Tamika! You really think they looked at your night school classes and thought, "Wow, she's so qualified"? I got years on you, Tamika.
Years! Years of real-life experience.
We all know you got this job because Because you tick the right boxes.
What? You think I'm some sort of diversity quota hire? You don't? [SCOFFS.]
Federal funding for detention centers like ours is up 20%.
More ICE agents on the streets, plus a growing list of deportable offenses means our beds stay full.
Then we ship 'em out, we bring in even more.
PolyCon charges $150 per day per detainee, which means stocks rise, people feel safer, everybody's happy.
This is your new office, by the way.
I got you a Nespresso.
What's the deal here, Linda? You're treating this gig like it's a reward, and I can't help feeling it's more of a punishment.
Mm, why's that? Maybe because you gave my Max job to an unqualified child? [SCOFFS.]
You say unqualified, I say differently qualified.
Tamika is the right face for the moment.
You got a diversity grant, didn't you? It was huge.
[CHUCKLES.]
And win-win.
I mean, I can't think of a person more suited to run this place.
You obviously don't care what people think, and you're very unyielding.
- Ice queen? - Hmm, yeah.
I was gonna say "warden," but if that's the title you want, we will make it work.
We're gonna get you a little plaque.
[CHUCKLES.]
And this is your queendom.
Thank you.
Here they are.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
It's so quiet.
They are much more docile, compared to Max.
Our red uniforms are for Level Two, people with felony convictions, etcetera.
Orange are our Level Ones, our non-criminals.
So they're in orange, but they're not criminals? Well, they are criminals.
They're here, right? - They came to our country illegally.
- That's exactly right, Carlos.
Carlos Litvack, Natalie Figueroa, our new warden.
Mr.
Litvack is head of ICE here at PolyCon Detention.
ICE handles the processing, the legal, the deportation.
And PolyCon handles the housing and the feeding.
- What's with the bird? - [LINDA.]
Cute, right? Flew in here a few days ago.
Keeps the ladies entertained, so we, uh, decided not to deport it.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- [FIG.]
Do any of them speak English? Some, though most favor Español.
Majority are from Mexico, followed by El Salvador, Honduras, Guatemala.
Then we have your others.
Your, uh, Haitians, your Jamaicans, general Africans.
Of course, there's your Asian nerds, your cool Asians.
But beware of the Plastics.
That was a Mean Girls joke.
So it's like the It's a Small World ride, but minus the joy and the singing.
And the line is just as long.
Some do-gooder lawyer-advocate types told the detainees who were working in the kitchen that they don't get paid and it doesn't help their case, so they quit.
Looks like you have your first task.
Luckily, America's cheapest labor force is just down the hill.
[CHUCKLES.]
This is so unfair! This shit should be legit a crime.
To have a dick like that.
[SNIFFLES.]
He had a Make-A-Wish dick, and he wanted to take me to LA.
[SIGHS.]
I could've been a wifey or a trophy wife or a Real Housewife.
[SOBS SOFTLY.]
All I ever wanted to be was anything with the word "wife" in it, you know? But no! I had to say no.
And go to that stupid fucking Indigo club and get scooped up with all these people.
- No offense.
- None taken.
What I don't understand is how you even got into that club without ID.
Hello? Look at me.
I don't need an ID to get into places.
That's kinda like my thing.
She kinda looks like that girl from Glee but with sharper lines, you know? You know how hard it is to get an ID after prison? - Sorry, I'm not a criminal.
- What is your fucking problem? People like you are the reason this is so hard for the rest of us.
Bitch, I was born here.
I committed my crime legally.
Ugh! Thank God you're in here.
You know what I mean.
This shit's brutal.
I need to get in touch with someone so that I can prove that I was born here.
- I'm gonna ask for my phone call.
- You don't get a phone call.
[SCOFFS.]
But there are phones right there.
You don't get a free call.
You gotta pay to set up an account, and you gotta pay per minute.
Okay, well, fuck that.
When I get assigned my lawyer, that's the first thing I'm gonna do.
You don't get a lawyer.
[SCOFFS.]
What? This is America.
Not in here.
It looks like a prison, it smells like a prison, but it's not a prison.
It's worse.
Okay, I get that you're all Sally Sadface because you're an illegal and everything, but that's just not me.
I'm not an illegal.
[SCOFFS.]
Sorry.
"Undocumented" or whatever.
But if we work together, we can get in touch with someone on the outside.
Oh, wait, what about your boyfriend? It's over.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
We're all gonna die! Now! [ALL CHEERING.]
Listen up, arrimados! [IN SPANISH.]
Before the police come, let's not forget why we came here tonight.
but that woman right there is not! [IN SPANISH.]
Diablo, Mr.
Sexy Romantic, made us throw you this party.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Congratulations on the green card, Blanca! [ALL CHEERING.]
Tell us how it feels.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
[BLANCA.]
Um [IN SPANISH.]
Well, it feels - [ALL CHEERING.]
[IN SPANISH.]
And, like, a relief.
And I know this is a bit ridiculous, but back in Santo Domingo, my mom and dad would argue a lot and our place was tiny, we had two rooms, there was nowhere to go.
And I remember that song from the show, Perfect Strangers.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
You know, with Balki and Larry? And Balki would have that "America or Burst" sign, and I thought, "Wow, that country looks amazing.
Anything is possible there.
" And now I'm here.
change a bunch of adult diapers [IN SPANISH.]
fill out all the paperwork, wait 12 years, and then - [ALL CHEER.]
- [GUITAR RIFF PLAYS.]
[IN SPANISH.]
But none of that matters.
[IN SPANISH.]
because it gave me Diablo.
- [CROWD.]
Aw! - [WEEVIL.]
Whoa! Say something less fucking corny! Shut up, buttface! [IN SPANISH.]
Wait, wait, wait.
You love me? [GUITAR PLAYING.]
[IN SPANISH.]
Baby, I love you, too.
to tell you for so long, [IN SPANISH.]
but you're so intimidating.
that you've said it, [IN SPANISH.]
I can say it.
[IN SPANISH.]
You make me so horny when you're this cheesy.
Dude, you've got to stop taking other people's puddings.
Why? There is a long history in this country of pudding taking, and it divides along chocolate and vanilla lines.
Also, butterscotch.
That's the Natives.
And that's why I - [INMATE.]
God damn it! - eat this pudding.
All right, listen.
All it's doing at this point is pissing off the senior citizens.
Let me ask you a question.
What is it you really want? Ice cream.
And justice.
It's not fair that because Cindy lied, Taystee has to be in prison now forever? For ever ever? Yes.
And it can't even be fixed, because they won't even be in the same room together.
Unless I can get them in the same room together.
Wait.
But they hate each other.
Unless I can get two people who hate each other in the same room.
But why would two people who hate each other be in the same Unless No.
Well, they could No, that will never work.
We gotta come up with a real, practical, real-world example for this.
- I got it! I got it.
I got it.
- What? The Parent Trap.
Ooh.
Like when you tell people that you're pregnant, and then your friend's stepdad gives you money for an abortion you don't need? I never saw the remake.
- A goddamn roll of tinfoil? - [LAUGHS.]
Piper, you're amazing.
All I did was look up "DIY sensory activities budget.
" I can send you all links, if you'd like? Please don't.
I can't research baby shit anymore.
Yesterday, I went online to buy a baby spoon, and six hours later, I'm in a Google deep-dive about how leaching plastics are gonna kill us all.
So can we talk about anything else? Please.
[SAMANTHA.]
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Piper, you're up.
How'd the sexy pics go over with your wife? - [KIKI.]
Oh, yes.
- Good! Great.
She loved 'em.
It's amazing how a little nip can bridge the gap between time and space.
- Enjoy those while those last.
- Wait.
Do those get ruined, too? Nothing doesn't get ruined.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna pee myself.
FYI, that gets ruined the most.
Oh! Uh, I can hold her while you go to the bathroom.
Are you sure? I haven't day-peed alone in a month! Thank you.
Thank you.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
- Uh, go.
I can keep an eye.
- [MAIA.]
All right, then.
[KIKI.]
Pass the baby.
[KNOCKING CONTINUES.]
Ms.
Chapman.
Oh, what's going on here? Are we baking some babies? You see that? Vause is dealing.
Doubt it.
With the shit going down lately? Her dumb ass is smarter than that.
Probably gunnin' for some curry love.
No, I saw something.
I'm gonna check it out.
What the fuck, Vause? What are you doing? You flushing your drugs, inmate? Vause, I know what you're up to.
You wanna save yourself some trouble? Tell me where you're getting the drugs from.
Who's your source? - Or? - Or I'll have 'em haul your ass down to solitary.
- Okay.
All right, all right.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Let's chill, everybody.
New warden closed the SHU, plus there's no way for us to know what we didn't actually see.
Yeah.
It was a bloody tampon.
See? Just a tamp.
You think you've got this place all figured out, huh? Well, I've got a new warden to impress, so from now on, you're getting nothing in or out of this cell.
Whoever you're selling for, better let 'em know you're burnt.
- Exactly.
- Also, you should never flush tampons.
The whole pipe will back up on you.
[PENNSATUCKY.]
Hi, T! It's Suzanne.
And you are courageously invited to the - What the fuck? - library for a meeting of the - Uh, the - Give me that.
First of all, this don't say "courageously," it says "cordially.
" And what's Suzanne want me in the library for, anyway? I don't know.
Maybe she misses you.
I mean, if you ask me, I don't get it.
Was your friendship even that great? Because in my experience, the good memories from the past are never as good as we remember them, and then the bad ones are worse than we remember them, but our minds, they play these games so we don't kill ourselves.
And we just keep doing shit.
Suzanne wants to talk to me so bad, why don't she come and do it herself? Have you met her? She's weird.
But have you met you? 'Cause you're terrifying.
So why don't you just come to the library, and you go down that wormhold? - It's "wormhole.
" - No.
No, it's not! No, it's not.
I'm trying something new.
I understand, but did you have to surprise me like that? Yes, I did.
Did you forget, Ms.
Chapman? You are on probation.
My job is rolling up on people.
How else can I catch them violating or doing drugs or running a baby fight club? I promise you I'm not running a baby fight club.
I know.
I'm just being funny.
Ooh! Snickerdoodle.
May I? Please.
They don't eat flour.
What? Well, let me tell you what's not funny.
It's when I rolled up to the restaurant that my newest supervisee told me that she worked at, only to be informed that you were fired last week.
I guess I was feeling so badly about being fired, I didn't want to tell you that I had been fired.
I'm sorry.
Okay, you need to tell me immediately when there's a change of employment.
So, now, do you have a new job? Here.
Nannying for my niece.
And are they paying you? In room and board and baby hugs.
[CHUCKLING.]
Don't be cute.
Only I get to do that.
Will they be giving you a W-2 for your taxes at the end of the year? - I don't think so.
- Yeah, so that's not a job, okay? That's a favor.
Let me keep you on track, Ms.
Chapman, okay? We have a rapport, but I can issue a warrant for your arrest if need be.
So get a real job.
Like, today.
Hey.
The other ladies left because they heard the um, former-felon thing.
But, uh, listen, we are here for you.
Literally no one is here for me.
Which must be hard to understand because you're not a mom, but at the end of the day, we're just we're just not comfortable.
I mean, I am cool with you.
But this one Judgmental.
So I totally get it, though.
Getting back on your feet post-prison must be so hard.
And we support you.
Sending good vibes, okay? Okay.
Damn.
That that was cold.
Hey, Hellman.
Boo! [LAUGHS.]
Does this bother you? Doesn't this bother you, huh? - Does this bother you? - The fuck are you doing, Murphy? Shit.
Someone's not in the mood.
Not today.
Oh, that's too bad.
'Cause I had a lot of time to think in the SHU.
Oh, yeah? We gotta talk about Vause.
Thought it was Jefferson you'd be after.
[CHUCKLING.]
Jefferson never would have fucked with me if Vause hadn't set me up.
So you're too scared to beef with Jefferson? [CHUCKLING.]
I'm gonna deal with that crazy nightmare in my own good time.
After we deal with Vause.
Hey, I'm not opposed.
That cunt flushed 1,500 bucks worth of salt down the crapper today.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Exactly.
So you should get that cunt transferred.
Someplace wicked far away where she'll never get to see her lesbo wife again.
That's actually not bad.
[MARITZA.]
I need to figure out a way to get my birth certificate.
Show these motherfuckers I don't belong here.
[GASPS.]
OMG! Look! Look, it's a turtledove! [MARITZA GASPS.]
It's It's a sign! Of Of life or hope or fuckin' keep on trying or something.
It's a sign you can get shit on at any moment, even indoors.
[STAMMERS.]
I need to call I gotta call Daisy or my sister or my mom.
As soon as I figure out one of their phone numbers.
You don't know anyone's numbers? Not even your mother's? I'm young, remember? [SCOFFING.]
Plus, I don't really have a great relationship with my mom.
And my mom doesn't have a great relationship with paying the phone bill.
So the only numbers I remember are 911 or ones with songs.
Like, for pizzas and shit.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
I know who we should call.
- 1-800-Get-Sprung! - Gross.
No, no.
Seriously.
You haven't heard of that lawyer, Kay Sprung? DUI at night got you moaning? Call Kay Sprung And get off in the morning - You're sure that's for a lawyer? - Yes! Because I slept with someone in their legal office.
And it's a 1-800 number, so it's free.
Why don't you just get this? Nothing here is free.
Not even a 1-800 number.
You need to buy a phone card from the machine.
With money.
Do you have any money? No.
Do you have any money? Yes.
I have $30 left from what came from down the hill.
So come on! A lawyer could help both of us.
Yeah! See? The dove was a sign.
The dove was a sign.
Nine What? "Service needed.
Please call.
" [IN SPANISH.]
Machine of the Devil! mother on the altar! [MARITZA SPEAKING SPANISH.]
[IN SPANISH.]
Everything went to shit! How so? Why don't you try it again? [IN SPANISH.]
Sancocho tastes better to me.
Yes.
It's good.
Not as good as my mother's Olla soup, but - [BLANCA GASPS.]
[KISSES.]
[WOMAN.]
Bianca? Bianca! [IN SPANISH.]
You should go.
She's home.
[WOMAN.]
Bianca! Oh, fuck.
I went grocery shopping.
What does it look like? Now, come and help me unload.
What is he doing here? Never mind him.
What happened to the car? Oh! I was driving along, and this mailman runs right out of nowhere and right into my car.
You mean his truck ran into your car? No, he did.
He hit my car with his body.
Right out of nowhere, I tell ya! [IN SPANISH.]
My God.
I knew it was too soon for the old bat to start driving again! Did the ambulance come and get him? How am I supposed to know? I left before they could say it was my fault.
It was clearly his.
[IN SPANISH.]
We have to call the cops.
- Mi amor, I don't know about this.
[IN SPANISH.]
You could get into trouble So could she! Huh? And if she goes, I lose my job and so many times, speaka the English.
[IN SPANISH.]
You're sure about this, my love? Yes.
She's a fucking cunt, but she's my fucking cunt.
me and help me unload! I got these 12 for a dollar.
If you're nice to me, maybe I'll give you one.
You know, go.
I'll I'll call you later.
It'll be fine.
Yeah.
Scram, buster! And then in the legend, I put, "D is for Diarrhea.
" Tell me, did you write down every single thing that happened while I was gone? No, I just wrote down three things that stood out from every day, so they wouldn't all meld together.
[GASPING.]
Oh.
Did you hear there were two murders and one OD? But rumor is that was a murder, too.
Reznikov, new work assignment.
They want you to run a kitchen.
Pick four inmates to help you and give me the list by tomorrow.
No.
That wasn't an invitation, inmate.
That was an order.
I'll say it again.
No.
Dwight, please keep reading from your boring book.
Maybe that will drive her away.
Here's from a section I called "Wonderings.
" "What day is it in Stevie Wonder's song, 'I Just Called to Say I Love You'? We know it's not New Year's Day.
We know it's not " I don't understand.
Everyone wants the kitchen gig.
- I thought that was your whole thing? - Not anymore.
Oh, and Thursday's memory was my grandmother's Vicks VapoRub.
Hmm.
I'm not the only inmate with experience running a kitchen.
You should ask Gloria.
[GINGER.]
Gloria who? Mendoza.
Suit yourself.
[BLACK CINDY.]
I don't understand.
The new Outlander season ain't even out yet.
[GASPING.]
Oh! Wait.
You went to the Dark Web, huh? Mmm.
I heard all about the Dark Web on Black Twitter.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, well The fuck is this? Parent trapped! [BLACK CINDY.]
The hell are you doing, Suzanne? This is your chance to make everything better.
Now commence! "Commence," huh? [SCOFFS.]
[GROANS.]
[SCOFFS.]
Taystee, I tried to make it right.
You gotta know I did.
You gotta know I did.
I went and talked to the lawyer, - but it was too late - Taystee, don't go.
Suzanne, I will throw you across this fucking room.
Hear me out.
All I want is for us to be friends again.
No! I know you're gonna say, "No, no, that friend ship has sailed," but I need us to fix this.
- What do you want us to do? - I don't know! Make your own justice.
[PENNSATUCKY.]
I know what I would do.
Beat her ass.
[BLACK CINDY.]
Go for it.
Beat me up.
I deserve it.
That's what you want, huh? [GRUNTS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Fuck you.
[BLACK CINDY SOBS.]
[SOBBING.]
Taystee Get your last look at Morticia, 'cause we're about to say bye-bye-bye to her creepy ass, thanks to me.
What'd you do? That's for me to know and you to witness as my plan slowly unfolds.
Or maybe you won't see anything at all! [LAUGHS.]
All you need to know is that bitch is going down.
What'd you say? Oh, no.
I wasn't talking about you.
I was talking about someone else.
That's what I thought.
See? We cool.
That's my Taystee girl right there! [INMATES CLAMORING.]
Stop! Jefferson, stop! 10-33! Need help down here! 10-33! Taystee, let go! Let go! No! Shit! Shut it down! Fight's over! Shut it down! [PANTING.]
Hopper, what do you want me to do with them? Well, we can't put 'em in SHU.
I don't know, Warden.
What do they say to do about this situation in night school? Uh We could, um Uh [SCOFFS.]
All right, lock them in separate cells, alone.
Double up the others if you have to, and we'll figure it out from there.
[ALVAREZ.]
Move! Hi! You're so pretty! Anyway, listen.
My friend has money in her account, but the kiosk is broken and there aren't any more phone cards, - so - Wait.
Wait.
Um [IN SPANISH.]
Do you speak Spanish? [IN FRENCH.]
Uh, perhaps French? [IN BENGALI.]
Yes, but you'll never know that! Leave me alone, you rogue thieves.
- [BLANCA SIGHS.]
Okay.
Is it rude to wish that more people in here spoke English? - I mean, what the fuck? - [IN TWI.]
Yes, it is very rude.
I could not help but listen in on your conversation earlier.
See, that's sort of my thing.
Here's my phone card on which I have $12 remaining.
When the machine is working again, I expect a transfer of $30 from the wild one's account.
That's a total rip-off.
Yes, but I don't really know you.
It's $12 plus the risk I'm assuming.
- Deal.
- No deal.
Dude, it's $5 a minute.
It takes three minutes to connect.
Okay.
All we need is two minutes.
- [BLANCA.]
That's all my money.
- Thank you.
- Uh, your name again? - Efua Onagbeboma.
Sorry, I do not shake hands.
Okay.
It's, like, a cultural thing.
Germophobe.
Right.
Okay.
Hi! Uh, yes.
Can I please speak No, no, no! This fucking bitch put me on hold.
Good day.
Yes.
May I please speak to Jason the paralegal? Yes, Jason.
The one with the face and the cute Fuck! This bitch put me on hold Jason! Hi! Yeah, it's Maritza.
Maritza Ramos.
[STAMMERING.]
We met at the funeral.
Y Yeah, you know, the club? The one with the, um, afterlife theme? You said I was the first to do the wheelbarrow thing with you.
Okay, listen.
So I I need a lawyer.
I'm an American citizen, and I've been detained by ICE.
And The fuck? Hello? What the fuck just happened? The card is spent? - Oh, my God.
- [BLANCA.]
Unbelievable! Blanca, wait! Where are you going? Nowhere.
'Cause there's nowhere to fucking go and no one to fucking call, you stupid, dumb, Colombian Barbie.
Okay.
One, I'm Colombian-American.
And two, what does my hotness have to do with this? - [SCOFFS.]
- Okay.
Listen, listen.
We have to stay positive.
Okay? T Think about our bird of hope! You wasted our last fucking opportunity.
Just leave me alone.
Okay? I can't believe, of all people, that you're giving up! You are the stankass who pissed herself back at camp so the guards wouldn't touch you.
Bitch, you stood on tables.
That's not who I am anymore.
I already had nothing, and now I have less than nothing because of you, dumbass.
Don't blame me because your boyfriend abandoned you.
At least I'm trying! Well, stop! Stop trying! Stop hoping.
Because look around you.
Nobody is coming for us.
And it's not a fucking dove, you fucking idiot! It's a pigeon.
Okay.
Pigeon, dove It's the same fucking thing! No, it's not.
Nobody gives a fuck about pigeons.
[PHONE LINE RINGING.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
- Hello? - Hello.
[IN SPANISH.]
Baby? Baby, it's me.
Blanca? Oh, my God! I'm so relieved to hear you.
What happened? Why haven't you called? I don't understand.
I don't understand, either.
not telling us anything.
[IN SPANISH.]
ICE grabbed me outside of Litchfield, and now I'm in Arizona.
Well, no problem.
I'm coming tomorrow.
I'll borrow money and drive there.
It's not worth it.
transferring people for no reason.
[IN SPANISH.]
I'm asking them why they're doing all this, but no one will tell me.
And they are treating us just treating us so [SIGHS.]
I don't know why this is happening.
[IN SPANISH.]
Me neither.
[IN SPANISH.]
I know I ruined everything for us before because of that old cunt.
And it was one thing when you wanted to wait the two years for me [SNIFFLES.]
You can't keep waiting forever.
[IN SPANISH.]
No, my love, don't say that.
everything else in the past.
We're gonna get through this, too.
Okay? [IN SPANISH.]
What's a few more months We have the rest of our lives together.
[IN SPANISH.]
We're gonna try heroin when we're 80, remember? [LAUGHING.]
our own washer and dryer.
[IN SPANISH.]
And a dog named Mojito.
[CHUCKLES.]
Baby I love you very much.
Tell me what can I do? I need to know.
Okay.
Get a pen.
I'm gonna give you my alien number.
[IN SPANISH.]
Use it to track me online.
happened to the "permanent" [IN SPANISH.]
in my "permanent resident" status.
Hang tight, my beautiful dove.
- Wardy Ward, wait up! - Don't call me that.
What's up, Hellman? Hey, don't mind Hopper today.
He's under a lot of pressure lately.
Oh! He's under a lot of pressure? Yeah, yeah.
But listen, I think I can help you.
I've been looking at this whole situation, you want my opinion? You need to transfer Vause.
Vause? Trust me, it's for her protection.
I mean, if you look at it, she's the root of all this stuff.
Murphy and her crew have it out for her.
It's only a matter of time before she leaves here on a stretcher.
Now Now, I know you have a lot on your plate, so I already filled out the request.
All's you have to do is sign it.
Sure, I'll take a look.
Awesome.
Just looking out for you.
I think another incident like that free-for-all back there would be a bad look for the new warden.
And by the way, I love that blazer on you.
[FIG.]
So is it everything you thought it would be? [TAMIKA.]
What are you doing here? Grabbing a few things.
The new place is really bare bones.
So, how was your first day? Good.
Good.
Oh, this.
Workplace hazard, you know? God damn it! How the hell do you ever adjust this thing? You can't.
It's broken.
I put in a request months ago.
Fuck.
You are not gonna last long around this place if a broken chair sends you into that kind of tailspin.
It's not about the stupid chair.
Can I ask you an honest question? Only if you want an unyielding answer.
I only got this job because I'm black right? [FIG.]
Pretty much.
[SCOFFS.]
And I only had it because I'm a woman.
And I only got the new job because I'm a fucking bitch.
Look, it doesn't really matter how we get the job.
What matters is what we do once we have them.
That your suggestion box? Yeah.
Cute.
Here's my suggestion.
Do whatever the fuck you want.
And get a better blazer.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Red! What are you doing? I've been looking all over the place for you.
The sound of the tumble noise is very soothing.
You know, they came by my cell, offered me the kitchen.
But I also know you turned it down.
And they say Russians are the ones to leak things.
Since when do you voluntarily give kitchens to me? Gloria I don't think I can do it.
Something happened to me in that box.
I left part of myself in there.
How are you okay? I don't think that I am.
[SIGHS.]
But I think the way we get back to who we were before is by doing the things we did before.
You know what I mean? Before what? The SHU? Prison? [CHUCKLES.]
America? Listen, I want the kitchen, but only if you're there with me.
That's how we get those parts of ourselves back, Red.
Maybe we can, um get some of the old gang together again.
Nicky and Lorna.
Norma and Gina.
Norma and Gina aren't here.
No, of course.
So it'll be like old times? Yeah.
I'll run the kitchen, and you'll be my lieutenant.
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
I see how you Russians work.
You say communism, but you mean dictatorship.
- [SUZANNE SCREAMING.]
- [PENNSATUCKY SHUSHING.]
Suzanne, what the hell are you doing? You're gonna get a shot.
[WHIMPERING.]
I'm sad.
I'm sad and I don't feel better, and neither does Cindy, and neither does Taystee, and nothing ever makes me feel better.
Shh! Let's just think.
Let's think about this.
There's got to be some way that we can make this right.
Tell me, does anything else happen in any of these other movies you've seen? I don't know.
All I know is that this terrible thing happened and there is no going back unless we do an Outlander and go through the stone of Craigh na Dun - Then, tell me what happened at camp.
- I can't tell you anything.
- Cindy told me not to tell anyone.
- Fine.
She told you not to tell any persons, but [IN SOCK PUPPET VOICE.]
can you tell me? Hm? I mean, technically, I'm not a person, seeing as I have no blood or vital organs.
You promise, promise, never to repeat this? Oh, I promise, promise.
[KISSING.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Okay.
So [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
I brought donuts.
Your mother has me doing the Whole30.
I don't know what that is.
Prison, remember? Yeah.
Trust me, I'll never forget.
So, if you brought the donuts, I take it you're able to pay me back the $50 you borrowed? Soon.
So soon.
Do you remember that summer I interned for you in high school? I was wondering if I could do that again.
But as a job.
If you'd hire me.
Piper, I don't think my clients are gonna be comfortable with a felon looking through their credit information.
I'll file, make copies, make coffee, make anything.
I want to pay you back.
For everything.
So I'm supposed to help you pay me back? Yep.
Because I'm still your daughter.
Because life isn't long enough for us to be like this.
Maybe this is the beginning of a road back.
There's gotta be a way back.
I have been meaning to, uh, digitize all my old files.
How are you with minutiae and following direction? Good.
Very good.
Prison, remember? Please get rid of this donut.
Any notes on my performance yesterday? [SIGHS.]
Maybe the whole getting-in-my-face part was a bit on the nose, but I think Hellman bought it.
He bought it.
He was so pissed, he actually ate all the burritos he brought in.
By the way, I got the stuff.
Raided my mom's medicine cabinet.
I'm not sure what those are, and some might be expired, but it's a start.
A random assortment of pills? This one says "Centrum Complete.
" Have you seen the people in here? I'd think a multivitamin would be a hot commodity.
You need heroin or something good.
[SCOFFS.]
Fine.
Sell heroin from where you get heroin from.
I get it from you.
Well, I don't know how to get heroin.
Then how did you think this was gonna work when you roped me into your fucking scheme? And why did I actually flush the drugs? I don't know.
It had to look real.
I'm sorry I don't know how to procure heroin, okay? I'm one of the good ones.
This is all new to me.
Not anymore.
You're forcing me to sell drugs for you.
Look, things are a little tough right now and I really need the money, okay? It's a long story.
I just I need it.
So just sell the pills.
Or else All right, look, there is There is another thing we can do.
You know how everyone has a phone in here, right? You know what they don't have? Headphones.
Jesus.
You are bad at this.
They don't have juice.
Badison sold everyone a phone, but it's so hard to get a charge in here without getting caught.
If you could bring in those portable charger things, we could make a mint.
And it's not a felony.
We charge people to charge.
I'll go to a Target.
Or is this more of a Costco type of thing? Either way, I'll go right after work.
Actually, I can't go right after work - I don't need to know your life.
- Okay.
And, I mean, when Jefferson gave that right cross to Murphy's face? Yowza.
[IMITATES PUNCHING SOUNDS.]
Morning.
Hopper, take a look.
Making some changes around here.
Great, let's hope you've come to your senses.
You're reopening the SHU? Nope.
Making strategic inmate transfers instead.
Move Tasha Jefferson back to D-Block and Cindy Hayes over to Florida.
Oh, and, Hellman, about Vause Thanks for the suggestion.
But I looked into it, and it's Murphy who keeps getting jumped.
That's why she's being transferred to Missouri.
Ward, this is crazy.
You can't do all this! Tell me again what I can't do.
Oh, and, Dixon, carry this chair down to my office for me.
Yes, ma'am.
Hopper, sorry.
Hey, um, thanks for adding me to your new crew.
You were always one of my best girls and, frankly, you're the only one left.
Oh, we missed you, Red.
And Sterling missed you, too.
Sterling? [GASPS.]
That's right.
You don't even know who he is yet.
You gotta see this kid, Red.
Yes, of course.
I can't wait to see this little yozhik.
[NICKY.]
It's good to have you back.
Hey, yo, Blake, I know I'm not the boss of this place, but isn't the kitchen back that way? Kitchen? I was told to take you to the van.
Well, maybe it's a good surprise.
Like a outdoor barbecue-type situation.
Oh, right.
I'll just add that to the list of good prison surprises we've all had.
"US Marshal"? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
What's this? - Where you taking us? - Relax.
It's not your ride.
[DANILO.]
Coming through! Please, don't do this.
I don't know anyone in Missouri.
Then maybe you should have been Goodison.
Don't tell me those bitches are coming with me.
Nope, just you.
- Please.
- [DANILO.]
Nah.
[SCREAMS.]
Fuck! I'm so confused.
Where are we going? This way my sister will know it's really me.
You think someone would forge your letter from a detention center? You wouldn't understand.
I've had a lot of stalkers over the years.
Right.
Because of your face? And my body.
Excuse me.
Where is the outgoing mail? It's over there.
But you need to put a stamp on it first.
Okay.
Well, where do I get a stamp? At the kiosk.
But the kiosk is broken.
Which is why I couldn't get a phone card, which is why I wrote a letter.
This was before I made a real enemy by stealing this envelope and after I traded in my food for the paper and my socks for the pen.
[YELLS.]
And now you're saying that there's no more stamps? [SOBS.]
Wish I could help.
Let's go.
It's not worth it.
I don't wanna hear it.
I wasn't gonna say it.
[DIABLO IN SPANISH.]
Baby, are you crying? Oh, my love.
- You look beautiful.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[GUARD.]
All right, enough with the PDA.
Talk or walk.
Bueno, baby, I looked into it.
[IN SPANISH.]
I used all the coffee can money and got an appointment with an immigration lawyer.
And? What did they say? It's not good.
green card's been invalidated because you committed a deportable offense.
For covering up for the old lady's hit-and-run? [IN SPANISH.]
No, it wasn't that.
She said it was because you pled guilty to being an organizer in the riot.
That's why they didn't give me extra time.
me up with this shit! [IN SPANISH.]
I know, I know.
But it doesn't matter.
[IN SPANISH.]
we will figure this out.
What if they deport me back to Santo Domingo? I haven't been there in 15 years [IN SPANISH.]
Besides, now that you're in Litchfield, at least I can visit, right? My love, at least here I can touch you.
[SIGHS.]
It's been so long since I've been able to touch your skin.
You got any other form of documentation with you today? A license or a passport? I was told I didn't need that.
That my New York ID's enough.
Right, but part of our protocol is we cross-reference the immigration status with all the visitors in and out of our facility.
And yours came up flagged for us.
Flagged? Flagged for what? Only asking some questions here, sir.
No need to raise your voice.
He did not raise his voice.
No, listen.
Please, okay? I'm a legal permanent resident.
I've got a green card.
Did I say step forward? You do not step forward until I tell you to.
Can you produce that card for me? I I didn't bring it with me.
It's expired.
I'm waiting on a new one.
But you just finished saying you were legal.
- I am.
- But if your green card's expired, then you're not actually a legal permanent resident.
Tell you what.
We're gonna bring you into processing as we sort this out.
And if there's no problem, like you say, there's not gonna be a problem.
And if that's the case, we'll have you on your way soon.
- So, come on.
- No, stop.
No, no, you can't do this! Hold on.
You can't do this! He didn't do anything! [DIALOGUE INAUDIBLE.]
I'm scared.
Yeah.
No one even knows where we are.
[SPANISH SONG PLAYING.]
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
[CELL DOOR SLAMS.]
[CELL DOOR SLAMS.]
It's bold.
I'll give her that.
- Boldly stupid.
- [DANILO.]
Everybody out! Did I stutter? Get out.
[YOUNG.]
Go on, out! You won't get to go home, but you can't stay here.
Reznikov, I said move your ass.
[IN GUTTURAL VOICE.]
Put one foot in front of the other and step the fuck out.
- [GASPS.]
- Let's go, Cathy.
Time to get up.
[BADISON CHUCKLING.]
Oh, looks like Chatty Cathy ain't so chatty no more, huh? Where you taking us? A cage match? How do we know this ain't another one of your sick games? Relax.
The SHU is closing down.
- What? Why? - New sheriff in town.
What happened to the old sheriff? - I need to push it all the way in.
- [SCREAMS.]
Goddamn motherfuck! Ah! [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
All done.
So is this what you pictured when we started talking babymaking? Well, you weren't not bent over a kitchen island, ass up.
You want me to talk to your body for you? Give it encouragement? Maybe massage the area, huh? Joe, I'm not getting pregnant through my ass cheek.
I figure it's never too early to show the kid who's good cop around here.
So that would make me bad cop? Mmm.
Make you firm cop.
[CHUCKLING.]
Because I'm cold and heartless.
- Well, you are the new "ice" queen.
- Hilarious.
Why are we even doing this if you don't think I'm gonna be a good mother? [CHUCKLES.]
Babe, I am balls deep in medical science for you.
You think I would be poking that gorgeous ass with needles if I didn't think you were gonna be an amazing mother? Come on.
Safe Safe to approach? Hmm? - What's this all about? First-day jitters? - Oh, gross.
I hate when you try and predict my feelings, but yeah.
Mmm.
Maybe what you need is a Joe Caputo pep talk.
Oh, please.
Save it for your 12-year-old mentee who stole my job.
To be fair, you got fired.
And she's 26.
Not helping! [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
- The hell is this? - CO Hopper, good morning.
Ad Seg's already at capacity, and your first day on the job, you're closing down the SHU? That is right.
We will no longer be using solitary confinement as a means of discipline.
Listen.
Over and over, studies conclude that it's cruel and ineffective, and it results in memory loss, suicidal tendencies Tamika, we need a means of discipline.
All right? We need the threat of a means of discipline.
And incentive programs motivate good behavior far more than fear of punishment.
Well, if we're not punishing them, then what the hell is the point of prison? Rehabilitation.
Or at least it should be.
Perfect.
Perfect.
So why don't we give them gold stars and nut-free snacks while we're at it? If that's actually a suggestion, Hopper, you're welcome to add it to my suggestion box.
[CHUCKLES.]
You wanna know what I think? I think this is a move.
I think it's your way of justifying why they gave you this job.
Excuse me, they didn't give me this job.
I got this job.
Yeah, let's go with that.
Not that I have to list my résumé to you, but I've been taking prison management courses - for months now without you - Oh, come on, Tamika! You really think they looked at your night school classes and thought, "Wow, she's so qualified"? I got years on you, Tamika.
Years! Years of real-life experience.
We all know you got this job because Because you tick the right boxes.
What? You think I'm some sort of diversity quota hire? You don't? [SCOFFS.]
Federal funding for detention centers like ours is up 20%.
More ICE agents on the streets, plus a growing list of deportable offenses means our beds stay full.
Then we ship 'em out, we bring in even more.
PolyCon charges $150 per day per detainee, which means stocks rise, people feel safer, everybody's happy.
This is your new office, by the way.
I got you a Nespresso.
What's the deal here, Linda? You're treating this gig like it's a reward, and I can't help feeling it's more of a punishment.
Mm, why's that? Maybe because you gave my Max job to an unqualified child? [SCOFFS.]
You say unqualified, I say differently qualified.
Tamika is the right face for the moment.
You got a diversity grant, didn't you? It was huge.
[CHUCKLES.]
And win-win.
I mean, I can't think of a person more suited to run this place.
You obviously don't care what people think, and you're very unyielding.
- Ice queen? - Hmm, yeah.
I was gonna say "warden," but if that's the title you want, we will make it work.
We're gonna get you a little plaque.
[CHUCKLES.]
And this is your queendom.
Thank you.
Here they are.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
It's so quiet.
They are much more docile, compared to Max.
Our red uniforms are for Level Two, people with felony convictions, etcetera.
Orange are our Level Ones, our non-criminals.
So they're in orange, but they're not criminals? Well, they are criminals.
They're here, right? - They came to our country illegally.
- That's exactly right, Carlos.
Carlos Litvack, Natalie Figueroa, our new warden.
Mr.
Litvack is head of ICE here at PolyCon Detention.
ICE handles the processing, the legal, the deportation.
And PolyCon handles the housing and the feeding.
- What's with the bird? - [LINDA.]
Cute, right? Flew in here a few days ago.
Keeps the ladies entertained, so we, uh, decided not to deport it.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- [FIG.]
Do any of them speak English? Some, though most favor Español.
Majority are from Mexico, followed by El Salvador, Honduras, Guatemala.
Then we have your others.
Your, uh, Haitians, your Jamaicans, general Africans.
Of course, there's your Asian nerds, your cool Asians.
But beware of the Plastics.
That was a Mean Girls joke.
So it's like the It's a Small World ride, but minus the joy and the singing.
And the line is just as long.
Some do-gooder lawyer-advocate types told the detainees who were working in the kitchen that they don't get paid and it doesn't help their case, so they quit.
Looks like you have your first task.
Luckily, America's cheapest labor force is just down the hill.
[CHUCKLES.]
This is so unfair! This shit should be legit a crime.
To have a dick like that.
[SNIFFLES.]
He had a Make-A-Wish dick, and he wanted to take me to LA.
[SIGHS.]
I could've been a wifey or a trophy wife or a Real Housewife.
[SOBS SOFTLY.]
All I ever wanted to be was anything with the word "wife" in it, you know? But no! I had to say no.
And go to that stupid fucking Indigo club and get scooped up with all these people.
- No offense.
- None taken.
What I don't understand is how you even got into that club without ID.
Hello? Look at me.
I don't need an ID to get into places.
That's kinda like my thing.
She kinda looks like that girl from Glee but with sharper lines, you know? You know how hard it is to get an ID after prison? - Sorry, I'm not a criminal.
- What is your fucking problem? People like you are the reason this is so hard for the rest of us.
Bitch, I was born here.
I committed my crime legally.
Ugh! Thank God you're in here.
You know what I mean.
This shit's brutal.
I need to get in touch with someone so that I can prove that I was born here.
- I'm gonna ask for my phone call.
- You don't get a phone call.
[SCOFFS.]
But there are phones right there.
You don't get a free call.
You gotta pay to set up an account, and you gotta pay per minute.
Okay, well, fuck that.
When I get assigned my lawyer, that's the first thing I'm gonna do.
You don't get a lawyer.
[SCOFFS.]
What? This is America.
Not in here.
It looks like a prison, it smells like a prison, but it's not a prison.
It's worse.
Okay, I get that you're all Sally Sadface because you're an illegal and everything, but that's just not me.
I'm not an illegal.
[SCOFFS.]
Sorry.
"Undocumented" or whatever.
But if we work together, we can get in touch with someone on the outside.
Oh, wait, what about your boyfriend? It's over.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
We're all gonna die! Now! [ALL CHEERING.]
Listen up, arrimados! [IN SPANISH.]
Before the police come, let's not forget why we came here tonight.
but that woman right there is not! [IN SPANISH.]
Diablo, Mr.
Sexy Romantic, made us throw you this party.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Congratulations on the green card, Blanca! [ALL CHEERING.]
Tell us how it feels.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
[BLANCA.]
Um [IN SPANISH.]
Well, it feels - [ALL CHEERING.]
[IN SPANISH.]
And, like, a relief.
And I know this is a bit ridiculous, but back in Santo Domingo, my mom and dad would argue a lot and our place was tiny, we had two rooms, there was nowhere to go.
And I remember that song from the show, Perfect Strangers.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
You know, with Balki and Larry? And Balki would have that "America or Burst" sign, and I thought, "Wow, that country looks amazing.
Anything is possible there.
" And now I'm here.
change a bunch of adult diapers [IN SPANISH.]
fill out all the paperwork, wait 12 years, and then - [ALL CHEER.]
- [GUITAR RIFF PLAYS.]
[IN SPANISH.]
But none of that matters.
[IN SPANISH.]
because it gave me Diablo.
- [CROWD.]
Aw! - [WEEVIL.]
Whoa! Say something less fucking corny! Shut up, buttface! [IN SPANISH.]
Wait, wait, wait.
You love me? [GUITAR PLAYING.]
[IN SPANISH.]
Baby, I love you, too.
to tell you for so long, [IN SPANISH.]
but you're so intimidating.
that you've said it, [IN SPANISH.]
I can say it.
[IN SPANISH.]
You make me so horny when you're this cheesy.
Dude, you've got to stop taking other people's puddings.
Why? There is a long history in this country of pudding taking, and it divides along chocolate and vanilla lines.
Also, butterscotch.
That's the Natives.
And that's why I - [INMATE.]
God damn it! - eat this pudding.
All right, listen.
All it's doing at this point is pissing off the senior citizens.
Let me ask you a question.
What is it you really want? Ice cream.
And justice.
It's not fair that because Cindy lied, Taystee has to be in prison now forever? For ever ever? Yes.
And it can't even be fixed, because they won't even be in the same room together.
Unless I can get them in the same room together.
Wait.
But they hate each other.
Unless I can get two people who hate each other in the same room.
But why would two people who hate each other be in the same Unless No.
Well, they could No, that will never work.
We gotta come up with a real, practical, real-world example for this.
- I got it! I got it.
I got it.
- What? The Parent Trap.
Ooh.
Like when you tell people that you're pregnant, and then your friend's stepdad gives you money for an abortion you don't need? I never saw the remake.
- A goddamn roll of tinfoil? - [LAUGHS.]
Piper, you're amazing.
All I did was look up "DIY sensory activities budget.
" I can send you all links, if you'd like? Please don't.
I can't research baby shit anymore.
Yesterday, I went online to buy a baby spoon, and six hours later, I'm in a Google deep-dive about how leaching plastics are gonna kill us all.
So can we talk about anything else? Please.
[SAMANTHA.]
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Piper, you're up.
How'd the sexy pics go over with your wife? - [KIKI.]
Oh, yes.
- Good! Great.
She loved 'em.
It's amazing how a little nip can bridge the gap between time and space.
- Enjoy those while those last.
- Wait.
Do those get ruined, too? Nothing doesn't get ruined.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna pee myself.
FYI, that gets ruined the most.
Oh! Uh, I can hold her while you go to the bathroom.
Are you sure? I haven't day-peed alone in a month! Thank you.
Thank you.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
- Uh, go.
I can keep an eye.
- [MAIA.]
All right, then.
[KIKI.]
Pass the baby.
[KNOCKING CONTINUES.]
Ms.
Chapman.
Oh, what's going on here? Are we baking some babies? You see that? Vause is dealing.
Doubt it.
With the shit going down lately? Her dumb ass is smarter than that.
Probably gunnin' for some curry love.
No, I saw something.
I'm gonna check it out.
What the fuck, Vause? What are you doing? You flushing your drugs, inmate? Vause, I know what you're up to.
You wanna save yourself some trouble? Tell me where you're getting the drugs from.
Who's your source? - Or? - Or I'll have 'em haul your ass down to solitary.
- Okay.
All right, all right.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Let's chill, everybody.
New warden closed the SHU, plus there's no way for us to know what we didn't actually see.
Yeah.
It was a bloody tampon.
See? Just a tamp.
You think you've got this place all figured out, huh? Well, I've got a new warden to impress, so from now on, you're getting nothing in or out of this cell.
Whoever you're selling for, better let 'em know you're burnt.
- Exactly.
- Also, you should never flush tampons.
The whole pipe will back up on you.
[PENNSATUCKY.]
Hi, T! It's Suzanne.
And you are courageously invited to the - What the fuck? - library for a meeting of the - Uh, the - Give me that.
First of all, this don't say "courageously," it says "cordially.
" And what's Suzanne want me in the library for, anyway? I don't know.
Maybe she misses you.
I mean, if you ask me, I don't get it.
Was your friendship even that great? Because in my experience, the good memories from the past are never as good as we remember them, and then the bad ones are worse than we remember them, but our minds, they play these games so we don't kill ourselves.
And we just keep doing shit.
Suzanne wants to talk to me so bad, why don't she come and do it herself? Have you met her? She's weird.
But have you met you? 'Cause you're terrifying.
So why don't you just come to the library, and you go down that wormhold? - It's "wormhole.
" - No.
No, it's not! No, it's not.
I'm trying something new.
I understand, but did you have to surprise me like that? Yes, I did.
Did you forget, Ms.
Chapman? You are on probation.
My job is rolling up on people.
How else can I catch them violating or doing drugs or running a baby fight club? I promise you I'm not running a baby fight club.
I know.
I'm just being funny.
Ooh! Snickerdoodle.
May I? Please.
They don't eat flour.
What? Well, let me tell you what's not funny.
It's when I rolled up to the restaurant that my newest supervisee told me that she worked at, only to be informed that you were fired last week.
I guess I was feeling so badly about being fired, I didn't want to tell you that I had been fired.
I'm sorry.
Okay, you need to tell me immediately when there's a change of employment.
So, now, do you have a new job? Here.
Nannying for my niece.
And are they paying you? In room and board and baby hugs.
[CHUCKLING.]
Don't be cute.
Only I get to do that.
Will they be giving you a W-2 for your taxes at the end of the year? - I don't think so.
- Yeah, so that's not a job, okay? That's a favor.
Let me keep you on track, Ms.
Chapman, okay? We have a rapport, but I can issue a warrant for your arrest if need be.
So get a real job.
Like, today.
Hey.
The other ladies left because they heard the um, former-felon thing.
But, uh, listen, we are here for you.
Literally no one is here for me.
Which must be hard to understand because you're not a mom, but at the end of the day, we're just we're just not comfortable.
I mean, I am cool with you.
But this one Judgmental.
So I totally get it, though.
Getting back on your feet post-prison must be so hard.
And we support you.
Sending good vibes, okay? Okay.
Damn.
That that was cold.
Hey, Hellman.
Boo! [LAUGHS.]
Does this bother you? Doesn't this bother you, huh? - Does this bother you? - The fuck are you doing, Murphy? Shit.
Someone's not in the mood.
Not today.
Oh, that's too bad.
'Cause I had a lot of time to think in the SHU.
Oh, yeah? We gotta talk about Vause.
Thought it was Jefferson you'd be after.
[CHUCKLING.]
Jefferson never would have fucked with me if Vause hadn't set me up.
So you're too scared to beef with Jefferson? [CHUCKLING.]
I'm gonna deal with that crazy nightmare in my own good time.
After we deal with Vause.
Hey, I'm not opposed.
That cunt flushed 1,500 bucks worth of salt down the crapper today.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Exactly.
So you should get that cunt transferred.
Someplace wicked far away where she'll never get to see her lesbo wife again.
That's actually not bad.
[MARITZA.]
I need to figure out a way to get my birth certificate.
Show these motherfuckers I don't belong here.
[GASPS.]
OMG! Look! Look, it's a turtledove! [MARITZA GASPS.]
It's It's a sign! Of Of life or hope or fuckin' keep on trying or something.
It's a sign you can get shit on at any moment, even indoors.
[STAMMERS.]
I need to call I gotta call Daisy or my sister or my mom.
As soon as I figure out one of their phone numbers.
You don't know anyone's numbers? Not even your mother's? I'm young, remember? [SCOFFING.]
Plus, I don't really have a great relationship with my mom.
And my mom doesn't have a great relationship with paying the phone bill.
So the only numbers I remember are 911 or ones with songs.
Like, for pizzas and shit.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
I know who we should call.
- 1-800-Get-Sprung! - Gross.
No, no.
Seriously.
You haven't heard of that lawyer, Kay Sprung? DUI at night got you moaning? Call Kay Sprung And get off in the morning - You're sure that's for a lawyer? - Yes! Because I slept with someone in their legal office.
And it's a 1-800 number, so it's free.
Why don't you just get this? Nothing here is free.
Not even a 1-800 number.
You need to buy a phone card from the machine.
With money.
Do you have any money? No.
Do you have any money? Yes.
I have $30 left from what came from down the hill.
So come on! A lawyer could help both of us.
Yeah! See? The dove was a sign.
The dove was a sign.
Nine What? "Service needed.
Please call.
" [IN SPANISH.]
Machine of the Devil! mother on the altar! [MARITZA SPEAKING SPANISH.]
[IN SPANISH.]
Everything went to shit! How so? Why don't you try it again? [IN SPANISH.]
Sancocho tastes better to me.
Yes.
It's good.
Not as good as my mother's Olla soup, but - [BLANCA GASPS.]
[KISSES.]
[WOMAN.]
Bianca? Bianca! [IN SPANISH.]
You should go.
She's home.
[WOMAN.]
Bianca! Oh, fuck.
I went grocery shopping.
What does it look like? Now, come and help me unload.
What is he doing here? Never mind him.
What happened to the car? Oh! I was driving along, and this mailman runs right out of nowhere and right into my car.
You mean his truck ran into your car? No, he did.
He hit my car with his body.
Right out of nowhere, I tell ya! [IN SPANISH.]
My God.
I knew it was too soon for the old bat to start driving again! Did the ambulance come and get him? How am I supposed to know? I left before they could say it was my fault.
It was clearly his.
[IN SPANISH.]
We have to call the cops.
- Mi amor, I don't know about this.
[IN SPANISH.]
You could get into trouble So could she! Huh? And if she goes, I lose my job and so many times, speaka the English.
[IN SPANISH.]
You're sure about this, my love? Yes.
She's a fucking cunt, but she's my fucking cunt.
me and help me unload! I got these 12 for a dollar.
If you're nice to me, maybe I'll give you one.
You know, go.
I'll I'll call you later.
It'll be fine.
Yeah.
Scram, buster! And then in the legend, I put, "D is for Diarrhea.
" Tell me, did you write down every single thing that happened while I was gone? No, I just wrote down three things that stood out from every day, so they wouldn't all meld together.
[GASPING.]
Oh.
Did you hear there were two murders and one OD? But rumor is that was a murder, too.
Reznikov, new work assignment.
They want you to run a kitchen.
Pick four inmates to help you and give me the list by tomorrow.
No.
That wasn't an invitation, inmate.
That was an order.
I'll say it again.
No.
Dwight, please keep reading from your boring book.
Maybe that will drive her away.
Here's from a section I called "Wonderings.
" "What day is it in Stevie Wonder's song, 'I Just Called to Say I Love You'? We know it's not New Year's Day.
We know it's not " I don't understand.
Everyone wants the kitchen gig.
- I thought that was your whole thing? - Not anymore.
Oh, and Thursday's memory was my grandmother's Vicks VapoRub.
Hmm.
I'm not the only inmate with experience running a kitchen.
You should ask Gloria.
[GINGER.]
Gloria who? Mendoza.
Suit yourself.
[BLACK CINDY.]
I don't understand.
The new Outlander season ain't even out yet.
[GASPING.]
Oh! Wait.
You went to the Dark Web, huh? Mmm.
I heard all about the Dark Web on Black Twitter.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, well The fuck is this? Parent trapped! [BLACK CINDY.]
The hell are you doing, Suzanne? This is your chance to make everything better.
Now commence! "Commence," huh? [SCOFFS.]
[GROANS.]
[SCOFFS.]
Taystee, I tried to make it right.
You gotta know I did.
You gotta know I did.
I went and talked to the lawyer, - but it was too late - Taystee, don't go.
Suzanne, I will throw you across this fucking room.
Hear me out.
All I want is for us to be friends again.
No! I know you're gonna say, "No, no, that friend ship has sailed," but I need us to fix this.
- What do you want us to do? - I don't know! Make your own justice.
[PENNSATUCKY.]
I know what I would do.
Beat her ass.
[BLACK CINDY.]
Go for it.
Beat me up.
I deserve it.
That's what you want, huh? [GRUNTS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Fuck you.
[BLACK CINDY SOBS.]
[SOBBING.]
Taystee Get your last look at Morticia, 'cause we're about to say bye-bye-bye to her creepy ass, thanks to me.
What'd you do? That's for me to know and you to witness as my plan slowly unfolds.
Or maybe you won't see anything at all! [LAUGHS.]
All you need to know is that bitch is going down.
What'd you say? Oh, no.
I wasn't talking about you.
I was talking about someone else.
That's what I thought.
See? We cool.
That's my Taystee girl right there! [INMATES CLAMORING.]
Stop! Jefferson, stop! 10-33! Need help down here! 10-33! Taystee, let go! Let go! No! Shit! Shut it down! Fight's over! Shut it down! [PANTING.]
Hopper, what do you want me to do with them? Well, we can't put 'em in SHU.
I don't know, Warden.
What do they say to do about this situation in night school? Uh We could, um Uh [SCOFFS.]
All right, lock them in separate cells, alone.
Double up the others if you have to, and we'll figure it out from there.
[ALVAREZ.]
Move! Hi! You're so pretty! Anyway, listen.
My friend has money in her account, but the kiosk is broken and there aren't any more phone cards, - so - Wait.
Wait.
Um [IN SPANISH.]
Do you speak Spanish? [IN FRENCH.]
Uh, perhaps French? [IN BENGALI.]
Yes, but you'll never know that! Leave me alone, you rogue thieves.
- [BLANCA SIGHS.]
Okay.
Is it rude to wish that more people in here spoke English? - I mean, what the fuck? - [IN TWI.]
Yes, it is very rude.
I could not help but listen in on your conversation earlier.
See, that's sort of my thing.
Here's my phone card on which I have $12 remaining.
When the machine is working again, I expect a transfer of $30 from the wild one's account.
That's a total rip-off.
Yes, but I don't really know you.
It's $12 plus the risk I'm assuming.
- Deal.
- No deal.
Dude, it's $5 a minute.
It takes three minutes to connect.
Okay.
All we need is two minutes.
- [BLANCA.]
That's all my money.
- Thank you.
- Uh, your name again? - Efua Onagbeboma.
Sorry, I do not shake hands.
Okay.
It's, like, a cultural thing.
Germophobe.
Right.
Okay.
Hi! Uh, yes.
Can I please speak No, no, no! This fucking bitch put me on hold.
Good day.
Yes.
May I please speak to Jason the paralegal? Yes, Jason.
The one with the face and the cute Fuck! This bitch put me on hold Jason! Hi! Yeah, it's Maritza.
Maritza Ramos.
[STAMMERING.]
We met at the funeral.
Y Yeah, you know, the club? The one with the, um, afterlife theme? You said I was the first to do the wheelbarrow thing with you.
Okay, listen.
So I I need a lawyer.
I'm an American citizen, and I've been detained by ICE.
And The fuck? Hello? What the fuck just happened? The card is spent? - Oh, my God.
- [BLANCA.]
Unbelievable! Blanca, wait! Where are you going? Nowhere.
'Cause there's nowhere to fucking go and no one to fucking call, you stupid, dumb, Colombian Barbie.
Okay.
One, I'm Colombian-American.
And two, what does my hotness have to do with this? - [SCOFFS.]
- Okay.
Listen, listen.
We have to stay positive.
Okay? T Think about our bird of hope! You wasted our last fucking opportunity.
Just leave me alone.
Okay? I can't believe, of all people, that you're giving up! You are the stankass who pissed herself back at camp so the guards wouldn't touch you.
Bitch, you stood on tables.
That's not who I am anymore.
I already had nothing, and now I have less than nothing because of you, dumbass.
Don't blame me because your boyfriend abandoned you.
At least I'm trying! Well, stop! Stop trying! Stop hoping.
Because look around you.
Nobody is coming for us.
And it's not a fucking dove, you fucking idiot! It's a pigeon.
Okay.
Pigeon, dove It's the same fucking thing! No, it's not.
Nobody gives a fuck about pigeons.
[PHONE LINE RINGING.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
- Hello? - Hello.
[IN SPANISH.]
Baby? Baby, it's me.
Blanca? Oh, my God! I'm so relieved to hear you.
What happened? Why haven't you called? I don't understand.
I don't understand, either.
not telling us anything.
[IN SPANISH.]
ICE grabbed me outside of Litchfield, and now I'm in Arizona.
Well, no problem.
I'm coming tomorrow.
I'll borrow money and drive there.
It's not worth it.
transferring people for no reason.
[IN SPANISH.]
I'm asking them why they're doing all this, but no one will tell me.
And they are treating us just treating us so [SIGHS.]
I don't know why this is happening.
[IN SPANISH.]
Me neither.
[IN SPANISH.]
I know I ruined everything for us before because of that old cunt.
And it was one thing when you wanted to wait the two years for me [SNIFFLES.]
You can't keep waiting forever.
[IN SPANISH.]
No, my love, don't say that.
everything else in the past.
We're gonna get through this, too.
Okay? [IN SPANISH.]
What's a few more months We have the rest of our lives together.
[IN SPANISH.]
We're gonna try heroin when we're 80, remember? [LAUGHING.]
our own washer and dryer.
[IN SPANISH.]
And a dog named Mojito.
[CHUCKLES.]
Baby I love you very much.
Tell me what can I do? I need to know.
Okay.
Get a pen.
I'm gonna give you my alien number.
[IN SPANISH.]
Use it to track me online.
happened to the "permanent" [IN SPANISH.]
in my "permanent resident" status.
Hang tight, my beautiful dove.
- Wardy Ward, wait up! - Don't call me that.
What's up, Hellman? Hey, don't mind Hopper today.
He's under a lot of pressure lately.
Oh! He's under a lot of pressure? Yeah, yeah.
But listen, I think I can help you.
I've been looking at this whole situation, you want my opinion? You need to transfer Vause.
Vause? Trust me, it's for her protection.
I mean, if you look at it, she's the root of all this stuff.
Murphy and her crew have it out for her.
It's only a matter of time before she leaves here on a stretcher.
Now Now, I know you have a lot on your plate, so I already filled out the request.
All's you have to do is sign it.
Sure, I'll take a look.
Awesome.
Just looking out for you.
I think another incident like that free-for-all back there would be a bad look for the new warden.
And by the way, I love that blazer on you.
[FIG.]
So is it everything you thought it would be? [TAMIKA.]
What are you doing here? Grabbing a few things.
The new place is really bare bones.
So, how was your first day? Good.
Good.
Oh, this.
Workplace hazard, you know? God damn it! How the hell do you ever adjust this thing? You can't.
It's broken.
I put in a request months ago.
Fuck.
You are not gonna last long around this place if a broken chair sends you into that kind of tailspin.
It's not about the stupid chair.
Can I ask you an honest question? Only if you want an unyielding answer.
I only got this job because I'm black right? [FIG.]
Pretty much.
[SCOFFS.]
And I only had it because I'm a woman.
And I only got the new job because I'm a fucking bitch.
Look, it doesn't really matter how we get the job.
What matters is what we do once we have them.
That your suggestion box? Yeah.
Cute.
Here's my suggestion.
Do whatever the fuck you want.
And get a better blazer.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Red! What are you doing? I've been looking all over the place for you.
The sound of the tumble noise is very soothing.
You know, they came by my cell, offered me the kitchen.
But I also know you turned it down.
And they say Russians are the ones to leak things.
Since when do you voluntarily give kitchens to me? Gloria I don't think I can do it.
Something happened to me in that box.
I left part of myself in there.
How are you okay? I don't think that I am.
[SIGHS.]
But I think the way we get back to who we were before is by doing the things we did before.
You know what I mean? Before what? The SHU? Prison? [CHUCKLES.]
America? Listen, I want the kitchen, but only if you're there with me.
That's how we get those parts of ourselves back, Red.
Maybe we can, um get some of the old gang together again.
Nicky and Lorna.
Norma and Gina.
Norma and Gina aren't here.
No, of course.
So it'll be like old times? Yeah.
I'll run the kitchen, and you'll be my lieutenant.
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
I see how you Russians work.
You say communism, but you mean dictatorship.
- [SUZANNE SCREAMING.]
- [PENNSATUCKY SHUSHING.]
Suzanne, what the hell are you doing? You're gonna get a shot.
[WHIMPERING.]
I'm sad.
I'm sad and I don't feel better, and neither does Cindy, and neither does Taystee, and nothing ever makes me feel better.
Shh! Let's just think.
Let's think about this.
There's got to be some way that we can make this right.
Tell me, does anything else happen in any of these other movies you've seen? I don't know.
All I know is that this terrible thing happened and there is no going back unless we do an Outlander and go through the stone of Craigh na Dun - Then, tell me what happened at camp.
- I can't tell you anything.
- Cindy told me not to tell anyone.
- Fine.
She told you not to tell any persons, but [IN SOCK PUPPET VOICE.]
can you tell me? Hm? I mean, technically, I'm not a person, seeing as I have no blood or vital organs.
You promise, promise, never to repeat this? Oh, I promise, promise.
[KISSING.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Okay.
So [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
I brought donuts.
Your mother has me doing the Whole30.
I don't know what that is.
Prison, remember? Yeah.
Trust me, I'll never forget.
So, if you brought the donuts, I take it you're able to pay me back the $50 you borrowed? Soon.
So soon.
Do you remember that summer I interned for you in high school? I was wondering if I could do that again.
But as a job.
If you'd hire me.
Piper, I don't think my clients are gonna be comfortable with a felon looking through their credit information.
I'll file, make copies, make coffee, make anything.
I want to pay you back.
For everything.
So I'm supposed to help you pay me back? Yep.
Because I'm still your daughter.
Because life isn't long enough for us to be like this.
Maybe this is the beginning of a road back.
There's gotta be a way back.
I have been meaning to, uh, digitize all my old files.
How are you with minutiae and following direction? Good.
Very good.
Prison, remember? Please get rid of this donut.
Any notes on my performance yesterday? [SIGHS.]
Maybe the whole getting-in-my-face part was a bit on the nose, but I think Hellman bought it.
He bought it.
He was so pissed, he actually ate all the burritos he brought in.
By the way, I got the stuff.
Raided my mom's medicine cabinet.
I'm not sure what those are, and some might be expired, but it's a start.
A random assortment of pills? This one says "Centrum Complete.
" Have you seen the people in here? I'd think a multivitamin would be a hot commodity.
You need heroin or something good.
[SCOFFS.]
Fine.
Sell heroin from where you get heroin from.
I get it from you.
Well, I don't know how to get heroin.
Then how did you think this was gonna work when you roped me into your fucking scheme? And why did I actually flush the drugs? I don't know.
It had to look real.
I'm sorry I don't know how to procure heroin, okay? I'm one of the good ones.
This is all new to me.
Not anymore.
You're forcing me to sell drugs for you.
Look, things are a little tough right now and I really need the money, okay? It's a long story.
I just I need it.
So just sell the pills.
Or else All right, look, there is There is another thing we can do.
You know how everyone has a phone in here, right? You know what they don't have? Headphones.
Jesus.
You are bad at this.
They don't have juice.
Badison sold everyone a phone, but it's so hard to get a charge in here without getting caught.
If you could bring in those portable charger things, we could make a mint.
And it's not a felony.
We charge people to charge.
I'll go to a Target.
Or is this more of a Costco type of thing? Either way, I'll go right after work.
Actually, I can't go right after work - I don't need to know your life.
- Okay.
And, I mean, when Jefferson gave that right cross to Murphy's face? Yowza.
[IMITATES PUNCHING SOUNDS.]
Morning.
Hopper, take a look.
Making some changes around here.
Great, let's hope you've come to your senses.
You're reopening the SHU? Nope.
Making strategic inmate transfers instead.
Move Tasha Jefferson back to D-Block and Cindy Hayes over to Florida.
Oh, and, Hellman, about Vause Thanks for the suggestion.
But I looked into it, and it's Murphy who keeps getting jumped.
That's why she's being transferred to Missouri.
Ward, this is crazy.
You can't do all this! Tell me again what I can't do.
Oh, and, Dixon, carry this chair down to my office for me.
Yes, ma'am.
Hopper, sorry.
Hey, um, thanks for adding me to your new crew.
You were always one of my best girls and, frankly, you're the only one left.
Oh, we missed you, Red.
And Sterling missed you, too.
Sterling? [GASPS.]
That's right.
You don't even know who he is yet.
You gotta see this kid, Red.
Yes, of course.
I can't wait to see this little yozhik.
[NICKY.]
It's good to have you back.
Hey, yo, Blake, I know I'm not the boss of this place, but isn't the kitchen back that way? Kitchen? I was told to take you to the van.
Well, maybe it's a good surprise.
Like a outdoor barbecue-type situation.
Oh, right.
I'll just add that to the list of good prison surprises we've all had.
"US Marshal"? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
What's this? - Where you taking us? - Relax.
It's not your ride.
[DANILO.]
Coming through! Please, don't do this.
I don't know anyone in Missouri.
Then maybe you should have been Goodison.
Don't tell me those bitches are coming with me.
Nope, just you.
- Please.
- [DANILO.]
Nah.
[SCREAMS.]
Fuck! I'm so confused.
Where are we going? This way my sister will know it's really me.
You think someone would forge your letter from a detention center? You wouldn't understand.
I've had a lot of stalkers over the years.
Right.
Because of your face? And my body.
Excuse me.
Where is the outgoing mail? It's over there.
But you need to put a stamp on it first.
Okay.
Well, where do I get a stamp? At the kiosk.
But the kiosk is broken.
Which is why I couldn't get a phone card, which is why I wrote a letter.
This was before I made a real enemy by stealing this envelope and after I traded in my food for the paper and my socks for the pen.
[YELLS.]
And now you're saying that there's no more stamps? [SOBS.]
Wish I could help.
Let's go.
It's not worth it.
I don't wanna hear it.
I wasn't gonna say it.
[DIABLO IN SPANISH.]
Baby, are you crying? Oh, my love.
- You look beautiful.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[GUARD.]
All right, enough with the PDA.
Talk or walk.
Bueno, baby, I looked into it.
[IN SPANISH.]
I used all the coffee can money and got an appointment with an immigration lawyer.
And? What did they say? It's not good.
green card's been invalidated because you committed a deportable offense.
For covering up for the old lady's hit-and-run? [IN SPANISH.]
No, it wasn't that.
She said it was because you pled guilty to being an organizer in the riot.
That's why they didn't give me extra time.
me up with this shit! [IN SPANISH.]
I know, I know.
But it doesn't matter.
[IN SPANISH.]
we will figure this out.
What if they deport me back to Santo Domingo? I haven't been there in 15 years [IN SPANISH.]
Besides, now that you're in Litchfield, at least I can visit, right? My love, at least here I can touch you.
[SIGHS.]
It's been so long since I've been able to touch your skin.
You got any other form of documentation with you today? A license or a passport? I was told I didn't need that.
That my New York ID's enough.
Right, but part of our protocol is we cross-reference the immigration status with all the visitors in and out of our facility.
And yours came up flagged for us.
Flagged? Flagged for what? Only asking some questions here, sir.
No need to raise your voice.
He did not raise his voice.
No, listen.
Please, okay? I'm a legal permanent resident.
I've got a green card.
Did I say step forward? You do not step forward until I tell you to.
Can you produce that card for me? I I didn't bring it with me.
It's expired.
I'm waiting on a new one.
But you just finished saying you were legal.
- I am.
- But if your green card's expired, then you're not actually a legal permanent resident.
Tell you what.
We're gonna bring you into processing as we sort this out.
And if there's no problem, like you say, there's not gonna be a problem.
And if that's the case, we'll have you on your way soon.
- So, come on.
- No, stop.
No, no, you can't do this! Hold on.
You can't do this! He didn't do anything! [DIALOGUE INAUDIBLE.]
I'm scared.
Yeah.
No one even knows where we are.
[SPANISH SONG PLAYING.]