Portlandia (2011) s07e03 Episode Script
Fred's Cell Phone Company
1 [ringtone chiming.]
- Hey.
- Hi! - Hi.
- [laughing.]
Come here.
Come to Portland.
I'll be there next weekend.
I can't wait to just have, like, my hands all over you.
I don't want to get ahead of ourselves, but I do want to figure out the details for my cousin's wedding.
Renée.
When is the wedding? It's October 13th.
I'm in London until the 12th.
Is this crazy if I-- if I met you in London? - Come to London.
- Right? That'll be our date.
October I so want to kiss you right now.
You look so hot, by the way.
13th, but the flight is on the 12th.
Can we start a shared Google calendar if we're gonna start figuring out all this other stuff? - Yeah.
- Sam, hold on.
I-- The delivery guy's here.
I'll be right back.
I'm looking at pictures of you.
[mouse clicking.]
[plastic rustling.]
- Hi, I'm so sorry.
- Hey, we're doing Christmas - this year, right? - Yeah.
But what about the next Christmas? I thought my dad's again.
It's just-- it-- the-- it's unfair, 'cause, like, why don't we alternate? I don't know how many Christmases my dad has left.
I'm just trying to add in an "end date.
" To my dad? Uh, can we make this agreement, then? Okay, all these Christmases-- You know what? Why don't I put in the calendar-- oh, here-- "My dad dies," and then you can just look at that in the calendar, and then we can plan everything around your family after that.
How about-- Can we do this? You put in when my dad dies.
New Year's Eve, we'll be here, then, okay? Forget Christmas.
But I'm asking you that once we have this Christmas with your dad-- your great dad-- after Christmas Eve, can we leave that night? You know what? That is a good idea, 'cause I find that flights are cheaper that night.
You know, this is what I think as I look at all these flights and stuff-- we're getting way ahead of ourselves.
The romantic part of this, which is really being together and getting to know each other-- this just seems more-- I don't know, like-- it just exists as a fantasy, you know? I don't know.
I think we should rethink our relationship.
Sam? Sam? Yes? What do you think? Okay, there you are.
God, sorry.
I-- You totally cut out.
I didn't hear anything you just said.
Oh, um nothing.
Let's, um-- Hey, same time tomorrow, right? Yeah.
Okay.
Have a good night.
Have a good night.
Love you.
Bye.
Love you.
[Washed Out's "Feel It All Around" playing.]
Okay, you guys are still charging me for this international data plan, and it's been three months.
Fine, well, then, email me the form.
And I would like to be reimbursed for these charges.
Thank you.
Bye.
Jesus.
Seriously, my cell phone company is driving me crazy.
They're just charging me for all this stuff.
[sputters.]
Sorry.
It's just-- it's stressing me out.
What if I started my own cell phone company? Me.
Can you do that? Like, you're-- You're not a corporation, and what about, like, coverage, and the technology and all that stuff? What if I have ten customers, and that's it? - Ten phones.
My friends.
- Right.
Start a, you know, a plan for everybody, and that's it, and that's the beginnings of a cell phone company.
I like it.
Fred's Cell Phone Company.
Yeah.
"Hi.
How may I direct your call? This is the CEO.
" Good morning.
As some of you already know, I'm starting my own cell phone company.
I've heard all of your complaints-- trouble texting, no coverage, it's too expensive.
But here is where my company is gonna be different from all the others.
I will only have ten customers.
And those customers are you, my friends.
Those days of the old, huge companies being faceless, just brick walls of information, that's done.
That's over.
This is gonna be me and you.
Now, I had these phones made.
This is designed by me.
Why don't you pass them all down here? So these are your phones.
Now, since it's just us, your phone number is one digit.
I'm not kidding.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and ten is right here.
That's so great, Fred.
I'm gonna call you right now.
Ah, we're gonna do a phone call right now.
- [phone buzzing.]
- I'm getting a call from number one-- Hello? Oh, I think it's actually dead, my phone.
All right, but the call went through, so I'm gonna charge you for the minute.
What about coverage? Coverage.
The white areas represent what I do not cover yet.
We're up here in the Portland, Oregon area.
Now, I'd like everyone to memorize something.
A, B, C-- Always Be Calling.
Always be calling.
Why? Because we can't text yet.
Right.
[rock music.]
Thank you guys so much for coming today, and I'm very, very sorry for your loss.
Yeah, well, we're, uh, sorry for your loss.
Yes.
- Our loss.
- Mm-hmm.
Because death touches everyone.
Yes.
Um, how can I be of service to you today? Is this something the deceased wore a lot? Kind of a favorite tee? - Nope.
- Okay, so, this is something that the deceased will be buried in.
Not quite.
It's a murder weapon.
[softly.]
So he was strangled? There was a victim involved.
You know who the victim was? - Who? - Men.
Men in general.
I mean, everyone's just forgetting about men.
Men need a funeral.
We don't usually inter abstract concepts.
Masculinity is an abstract concept? You're a man.
You should be thinking about these things.
Men are being forgotten.
Why don't we get to the service itself? Do you mind? What did you guys actually have planned? - Something strong.
- Something male.
- Something linear.
- Composites of factories - on the wall-- schematics.
- Analytics.
- Blueprints of buildings.
- Concrete.
Some foods laid out.
What kid of foods were you thinking? - Meatballs.
Dry meatballs.
- Raw ball.
- No sauce.
- Raw ball? Nothing flowery or frilly around it.
Just meatballs on plates.
I am kind of curious.
Just, all the kind of need for order and precision-- what is that hiding? What's behind that? I don't think it's hiding-- I think it's-- 'Cause you can't angle the gay away.
You know what I mean? You can't-- It's not anti-gay.
I think it's just very male.
I'm not saying you're anti-gay.
I'm saying you are gay.
- Ardor? - You are gay.
Ar-dor? Are gay.
We're gay for being straight.
We will be singing "We Are the Champions.
" - Oh.
- Any doors you have-- make sure that they slam real hard Male sounds.
Okay, okay.
Male sounds.
- Male sounds.
- I'm writing it.
Maybe Thor's hammer somewhere in there.
- Mm-hmm.
- Some lightning bolts.
- Okay.
- Pelé.
You want him there, or images of him? I am lo-- It's so abstract at this point that I can't really-- A rendition of Pelé in motion.
This is why we're here.
We're paying you to do the service.
I can acquire everything you guys are requesting.
I'm just worried that we get it in the space, we look, - and we go, "No!" - Mm-hmm.
Is there any chance of focusing this? - Yes, sir, there is.
- Okay.
You can get smaller versions of all the things we were talking about so that, you know, it doesn't take up as much space.
Miniatures.
Okay.
[organ music.]
Hm.
[soft instrumental music.]
You see what I mean? We're barely getting any tips.
- Yeah.
- We have wonderful employees.
People seem to love our coffee.
I agree.
It's all about the tip jar.
- Tip jar? - Yeah.
You're not familiar with the tip jar world? - No.
- At J'Art Basel last year Diego tipped the j'art world on its head.
A mysterious provocateur, he got his start making DIY j'art in Mexico City.
Then, through a series of increasingly ambitious shows, his influence went global.
To truly understand his j'artistry, you have to experience his studio in person.
[dramatic music.]
[flute music.]
[creaking.]
[whispering voice.]
Diego.
[light bulb buzzing.]
Want to give us an update on the progress? I don't know what the progress is, because I don't measure time like you do.
In Mexico City, sometimes the sun rises, and we have no idea - what month it is.
- Wow.
Mexico City's the place to be.
Did you know that Xbox is in Mexico City now? I'm sorry.
You guys are-- are making my-- my tip jar? Let's see what we got here.
Um This is from a statue of the greatest Mexican major.
I cut off part of the statue.
I hesitate to put something that's been stolen into her coffee shop.
In Mexico City, we have lunch all day long.
That's not true.
I've been there.
Every day is like a big, long lunch, and we wake up, and we say, "It's lunchtime.
" And the family eats in one big table.
I have been to Mexico City.
You know that, right? That's what we do, and then we go to bed eating lunch.
You see, in Mexico City, we do before we think.
You see that? That's a cow.
This one, I was going through a phase.
It was to prevent tips from going in.
This is a man making the pyramids.
Before your pyramids.
It's the tongue.
It's the leather tongue.
- Blehh! - Okay, that's-- This is from when this place was a factory.
We've talked about this one before.
- Yes? - I think it's sexist.
[kisses.]
My hands-- look.
Right now it's just making tip jars.
I'm not even commanding it to do it.
I put down a deposit.
I don't want to talk about mon-- I don't understand money.
I'm like a child.
You hand me a credit card, I throw it in the water and step on it, and then I kick it around.
But when I make art [metal dings.]
it works.
[wheels squeaking.]
Okay, you're insured, right? Yes.
I did get the insurance.
Okay.
[soft Mexican guitar music.]
That's the same tip jar.
That's the one that-- that we had.
Thank you.
I just work with my hands and this is-- this is what I make.
[upbeat music.]
Hi.
I'm Fred from Fred's Cell Phone Company.
Hi, there.
We've got a bill that's overdue.
[forced laugh.]
Okay.
Uh, but is there any amount you can pay today? I'm sorry about that.
Thank you.
[ringtone chiming.]
Yes, that's been an issue with many people.
Um, I suggest you go to our website once it's up and running.
Okay, well, I'll have someone out there as soon as I can.
Okay.
And thanks for sticking with Fred's Cell Phone Company.
[pleasant music.]
[doorbell rings.]
Oh, hey, buddy.
How you doing? I'm just checking in on your service.
- You happy with it? - Uh-- Listen.
I heard you were working on some gardening.
So I had this extra hose.
You can have it.
Are you listening to my conversations? Just for sound quality.
Just for a little while.
None of the details.
Just little things here and there.
I won't do it forever.
Uh, that would be nice.
Thank you.
Yeah.
By the way, your mom is insane.
She's crazy.
Hey, Fred.
Thanks for coming all the way out here.
Hey, listen.
You're gonna get a charge of $3,000 on your bill.
Go ahead and pay it.
It's not on you.
I'm gonna get you back on the next bills right after.
Okay? I'm sorry about that.
- Okay.
- High-tech! - Carrie! Carrie! - Fred? There you are.
Oh, I missed you at the coffee shop.
Sorry about that.
Wait, how'd you even know I was here? Listen.
I have some text messages for you.
These did not go through.
They went to my computer.
"Carrie, Paul's surprise party's moved to Oaks Park Roller Rink.
Be there by 6:00.
" Wait, you've been reading the text messages? Hey, this is customer service.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Hand to hand.
How's it going? You seem so harried.
It's pretty crazy.
It's like being a waiter, but the tables are, like, all over town.
I think you should get an assistant.
Uh, that's not gonna happen.
Also, you've got a bill.
You're over your minutes.
- Wait.
What? - See you later! - Fred! - Fred, my phone's not working.
Yeah.
I'm gonna put you on hold.
Your input is very important to us.
What do you mean, put me on hold? I'm standing right in front of you.
Fred, don't you-- don't.
Fred! - Hey.
Sorry about that.
- Fred! [laughing.]
You show up there at 1:00 in the morning? Please.
No way.
Hey, you owe me 28 bucks on your last bill.
I sent you your bill, right? Oh, you're just at 60.
That's easy.
Uh, yeah, 60 plus late fee from last week.
I love you, Marlena, but, uh, you owe me money.
Don't blame me, right? Blame the boss.
- [laughing.]
- I'm Pat Boyle, and this is "Pat Down.
" Feel the heat? Hey.
I'm Pat Boyle.
How does it feel not to pay taxes for five years? - Hey.
- Hey.
- How's it going? - Uh, great.
I have a question.
I'm having some problems with my phone.
Oh, I'm not doing that today.
It's my day off.
Enough.
Fred, you're a communications company.
You just can't, like, not work.
I'll deal with it on Monday.
Not today.
You know, might I suggest putting up a "closed" sign - if you're not working? - I'll do that.
Ugh.
Okay.
Can you clean up? [knocking at door.]
Carrie, door! [knocking at door.]
Ugh.
[knocking.]
Do you know how angry I am? You promised us good service.
I've been waiting on a phone call from the hospital for test results, and I can't get a signal.
- What the hell's wrong with you? - Well, where were you waiting? I was in my house, waiting for a phone call.
- I can't get anything.
- Fred! Come on.
130 bucks? That's twice what I usually pay.
You charged me for a cell phone tower.
I'm closed.
[all speaking at once.]
- Carrie? - I'm here too, because you promised me Internet access.
I mean, come on! I am unavailable.
I am closed.
- No, you can't! - What? - Fred, you owe us! - [all shouting at once.]
[shouting continues.]
Lance! Lance! - Lance? - Yeah.
- What are you doing? - Adjusting the carburetor.
- I got you something.
- What is it? I planned it for a little while.
You should check it out.
All right.
Keep them closed.
Stand right here.
And open 'em! - What? - It's a massage chair! Why did you get this? It's for you, Lance.
You could relax.
You don't have to be in the garage the whole day.
You can come in here and hang out with me.
I don't need to relax, and I like being in the garage.
No.
This is good for you.
Look at it.
It's so you.
- Is it? - Like, your-- your face.
Those are your feet, and that's your body, and your brown hair.
Why are we just looking at it? Go sit.
[whirring.]
- Here we go.
- Whoa.
This is the dream wave massage.
Not bad.
It's locating your shiatsu points.
[farting.]
What's that air sound? Is that you? - It's good.
- Let me just press this one here.
[beeps.]
[whirring.]
[clamp clicks.]
I just pressed something there.
Whoa.
Nina, what happened? Do you like it? You're so relaxed.
- Can you hear me? - Bet you don't want to go back to the garage now.
I don't think I can move.
You're so happy.
What's happening? Nina! All right, I'm going to bed.
Are you coming? I can't move, Nina.
[sighs.]
You're still relaxing, huh? I'm gonna go to bed.
Please don't go to bed.
Don't leave me down here.
Somebody likes his new chair! Nina, don't turn out the lights.
Good morning! Who's a relaxed sleepyhead? Do you want some eggs and bacon? I guess.
Want me to feed you? Is that what it is? Do you like my nightwear? Is this my life now? How come you're not saying anything? Meow! I'll never get out of here.
[together.]
happy birthday to you I got him this chair, and he just loves it.
I guess we'll just, um, go and cut up some cake for you if you want some.
What's the point? I just want to die.
You know, Lance, I wish you could've taken a break from relaxing to just be there for me.
The hospital is one block away.
But you love relaxing in that chair so much you just couldn't break away.
Well, you're gonna have to choose, Lance.
It's either that chair or me and the baby.
Baby? When did that happen? We're leaving.
Don't go, Nina.
Here we go.
Time to die.
Bring it on, baby.
Baby? Oh, man, Roy Orbison, Jr.
I'm not gonna see that little squirt grow up, take his first steps, crash his first motorbike.
I'm just going to die here.
Time to die.
[gasps.]
Lance? I'm not giving up on you that easy.
I love you, and I'll fight this chair for you.
I bought you as a present, brought you into my house, and you took him, didn't you? Let go! Stupid chair! Let go of him! [grunting.]
[dramatic music.]
Break! [grunting.]
Let go! [gasping.]
Water! Lance, you came back to me.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How are you? Good.
If you have any questions about anything, you could just ask.
Is that a massage chair? - Yeah.
- Mind if I try it out? - Sure.
- Damn.
This is better than going to a chiropractor.
Yeah.
It's top quality.
[laughs.]
It's a business.
You know, that's what people don't understand, that it's a start-up, and that's what business is.
They just don't know how business works, and they're just jealous of entrepreneurs.
That's what I think, you know? They-- A business has to grow.
It has to get bigger.
And I'm doing what anyone would do.
I don't even make that much money.
I'm part of the technology world, and this is what it looks like.
Yeah, I don't know, man.
Oh! It's Pat Boyle.
You ever see "The Pat Down"? She is brutal.
What are the odds? I should video this.
Yeah.
Can't.
You should write that down as a memo that we should probably get video capabilities so it's instant instead of having to access its-- Oh, she got Chico! Is she coming towards me? It looks like it.
No! [stammering.]
Should we shred some of this? I-- Oh, wow.
What? Where is she? - Fred.
- Hey! Do you run this company? Uh, somewhat.
Did you tell this man who needed to contact his doctor in an emergency, "I'll get to you"? Hey, um, can we talk about this in private? I'm a huge fan of your show.
I watch it all the time.
I'm gonna make you a deal.
You give this poor man his money back, and then you're gonna pay all his hospital bills.
Because of your phone company, this man owes the hospital $300,000.
Well, I hope you go to the hospital and we talk to them about those bills.
That is out of line, and I support you.
Your company profited, Fred.
All I can say is Will you please edit this in a nice way? 'Cause I'm just a guy.
I'm not a business.
Like, I'm not, like, a corporation.
I'm just, like-- You make me sick.
I think she's talking to you.
No.
It was for you, Fred.
Zoom in on his face.
[dramatic music.]
Fred, can you tilt your head up a little? Thank you.
So how's the business going? Oh, I didn't tell you.
I got bought out.
- By who? - US Wireless.
They wanted, like, some kind of a boutique company, so they just bought it, and I'm done.
I'm, like-- They took the name and everything.
Should I be filing, like, a class-action lawsuit against you? - No.
You would sue them.
- Oh.
Yeah, 'cause they're the parent company.
- Okay.
- So please, do it.
Knock yourself out.
Great.
[zany music.]
In Mexico City, we have all the shampoos.
Johnson & Johnson.
We have Purell, Kiehl's.
We have that too.
In Mexico City, we really have it.
You look down the aisle, it's all Johnson & Johnson-- - Okay.
Well-- - Or it could be Purell.
- Hey.
- Hi! - Hi.
- [laughing.]
Come here.
Come to Portland.
I'll be there next weekend.
I can't wait to just have, like, my hands all over you.
I don't want to get ahead of ourselves, but I do want to figure out the details for my cousin's wedding.
Renée.
When is the wedding? It's October 13th.
I'm in London until the 12th.
Is this crazy if I-- if I met you in London? - Come to London.
- Right? That'll be our date.
October I so want to kiss you right now.
You look so hot, by the way.
13th, but the flight is on the 12th.
Can we start a shared Google calendar if we're gonna start figuring out all this other stuff? - Yeah.
- Sam, hold on.
I-- The delivery guy's here.
I'll be right back.
I'm looking at pictures of you.
[mouse clicking.]
[plastic rustling.]
- Hi, I'm so sorry.
- Hey, we're doing Christmas - this year, right? - Yeah.
But what about the next Christmas? I thought my dad's again.
It's just-- it-- the-- it's unfair, 'cause, like, why don't we alternate? I don't know how many Christmases my dad has left.
I'm just trying to add in an "end date.
" To my dad? Uh, can we make this agreement, then? Okay, all these Christmases-- You know what? Why don't I put in the calendar-- oh, here-- "My dad dies," and then you can just look at that in the calendar, and then we can plan everything around your family after that.
How about-- Can we do this? You put in when my dad dies.
New Year's Eve, we'll be here, then, okay? Forget Christmas.
But I'm asking you that once we have this Christmas with your dad-- your great dad-- after Christmas Eve, can we leave that night? You know what? That is a good idea, 'cause I find that flights are cheaper that night.
You know, this is what I think as I look at all these flights and stuff-- we're getting way ahead of ourselves.
The romantic part of this, which is really being together and getting to know each other-- this just seems more-- I don't know, like-- it just exists as a fantasy, you know? I don't know.
I think we should rethink our relationship.
Sam? Sam? Yes? What do you think? Okay, there you are.
God, sorry.
I-- You totally cut out.
I didn't hear anything you just said.
Oh, um nothing.
Let's, um-- Hey, same time tomorrow, right? Yeah.
Okay.
Have a good night.
Have a good night.
Love you.
Bye.
Love you.
[Washed Out's "Feel It All Around" playing.]
Okay, you guys are still charging me for this international data plan, and it's been three months.
Fine, well, then, email me the form.
And I would like to be reimbursed for these charges.
Thank you.
Bye.
Jesus.
Seriously, my cell phone company is driving me crazy.
They're just charging me for all this stuff.
[sputters.]
Sorry.
It's just-- it's stressing me out.
What if I started my own cell phone company? Me.
Can you do that? Like, you're-- You're not a corporation, and what about, like, coverage, and the technology and all that stuff? What if I have ten customers, and that's it? - Ten phones.
My friends.
- Right.
Start a, you know, a plan for everybody, and that's it, and that's the beginnings of a cell phone company.
I like it.
Fred's Cell Phone Company.
Yeah.
"Hi.
How may I direct your call? This is the CEO.
" Good morning.
As some of you already know, I'm starting my own cell phone company.
I've heard all of your complaints-- trouble texting, no coverage, it's too expensive.
But here is where my company is gonna be different from all the others.
I will only have ten customers.
And those customers are you, my friends.
Those days of the old, huge companies being faceless, just brick walls of information, that's done.
That's over.
This is gonna be me and you.
Now, I had these phones made.
This is designed by me.
Why don't you pass them all down here? So these are your phones.
Now, since it's just us, your phone number is one digit.
I'm not kidding.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and ten is right here.
That's so great, Fred.
I'm gonna call you right now.
Ah, we're gonna do a phone call right now.
- [phone buzzing.]
- I'm getting a call from number one-- Hello? Oh, I think it's actually dead, my phone.
All right, but the call went through, so I'm gonna charge you for the minute.
What about coverage? Coverage.
The white areas represent what I do not cover yet.
We're up here in the Portland, Oregon area.
Now, I'd like everyone to memorize something.
A, B, C-- Always Be Calling.
Always be calling.
Why? Because we can't text yet.
Right.
[rock music.]
Thank you guys so much for coming today, and I'm very, very sorry for your loss.
Yeah, well, we're, uh, sorry for your loss.
Yes.
- Our loss.
- Mm-hmm.
Because death touches everyone.
Yes.
Um, how can I be of service to you today? Is this something the deceased wore a lot? Kind of a favorite tee? - Nope.
- Okay, so, this is something that the deceased will be buried in.
Not quite.
It's a murder weapon.
[softly.]
So he was strangled? There was a victim involved.
You know who the victim was? - Who? - Men.
Men in general.
I mean, everyone's just forgetting about men.
Men need a funeral.
We don't usually inter abstract concepts.
Masculinity is an abstract concept? You're a man.
You should be thinking about these things.
Men are being forgotten.
Why don't we get to the service itself? Do you mind? What did you guys actually have planned? - Something strong.
- Something male.
- Something linear.
- Composites of factories - on the wall-- schematics.
- Analytics.
- Blueprints of buildings.
- Concrete.
Some foods laid out.
What kid of foods were you thinking? - Meatballs.
Dry meatballs.
- Raw ball.
- No sauce.
- Raw ball? Nothing flowery or frilly around it.
Just meatballs on plates.
I am kind of curious.
Just, all the kind of need for order and precision-- what is that hiding? What's behind that? I don't think it's hiding-- I think it's-- 'Cause you can't angle the gay away.
You know what I mean? You can't-- It's not anti-gay.
I think it's just very male.
I'm not saying you're anti-gay.
I'm saying you are gay.
- Ardor? - You are gay.
Ar-dor? Are gay.
We're gay for being straight.
We will be singing "We Are the Champions.
" - Oh.
- Any doors you have-- make sure that they slam real hard Male sounds.
Okay, okay.
Male sounds.
- Male sounds.
- I'm writing it.
Maybe Thor's hammer somewhere in there.
- Mm-hmm.
- Some lightning bolts.
- Okay.
- Pelé.
You want him there, or images of him? I am lo-- It's so abstract at this point that I can't really-- A rendition of Pelé in motion.
This is why we're here.
We're paying you to do the service.
I can acquire everything you guys are requesting.
I'm just worried that we get it in the space, we look, - and we go, "No!" - Mm-hmm.
Is there any chance of focusing this? - Yes, sir, there is.
- Okay.
You can get smaller versions of all the things we were talking about so that, you know, it doesn't take up as much space.
Miniatures.
Okay.
[organ music.]
Hm.
[soft instrumental music.]
You see what I mean? We're barely getting any tips.
- Yeah.
- We have wonderful employees.
People seem to love our coffee.
I agree.
It's all about the tip jar.
- Tip jar? - Yeah.
You're not familiar with the tip jar world? - No.
- At J'Art Basel last year Diego tipped the j'art world on its head.
A mysterious provocateur, he got his start making DIY j'art in Mexico City.
Then, through a series of increasingly ambitious shows, his influence went global.
To truly understand his j'artistry, you have to experience his studio in person.
[dramatic music.]
[flute music.]
[creaking.]
[whispering voice.]
Diego.
[light bulb buzzing.]
Want to give us an update on the progress? I don't know what the progress is, because I don't measure time like you do.
In Mexico City, sometimes the sun rises, and we have no idea - what month it is.
- Wow.
Mexico City's the place to be.
Did you know that Xbox is in Mexico City now? I'm sorry.
You guys are-- are making my-- my tip jar? Let's see what we got here.
Um This is from a statue of the greatest Mexican major.
I cut off part of the statue.
I hesitate to put something that's been stolen into her coffee shop.
In Mexico City, we have lunch all day long.
That's not true.
I've been there.
Every day is like a big, long lunch, and we wake up, and we say, "It's lunchtime.
" And the family eats in one big table.
I have been to Mexico City.
You know that, right? That's what we do, and then we go to bed eating lunch.
You see, in Mexico City, we do before we think.
You see that? That's a cow.
This one, I was going through a phase.
It was to prevent tips from going in.
This is a man making the pyramids.
Before your pyramids.
It's the tongue.
It's the leather tongue.
- Blehh! - Okay, that's-- This is from when this place was a factory.
We've talked about this one before.
- Yes? - I think it's sexist.
[kisses.]
My hands-- look.
Right now it's just making tip jars.
I'm not even commanding it to do it.
I put down a deposit.
I don't want to talk about mon-- I don't understand money.
I'm like a child.
You hand me a credit card, I throw it in the water and step on it, and then I kick it around.
But when I make art [metal dings.]
it works.
[wheels squeaking.]
Okay, you're insured, right? Yes.
I did get the insurance.
Okay.
[soft Mexican guitar music.]
That's the same tip jar.
That's the one that-- that we had.
Thank you.
I just work with my hands and this is-- this is what I make.
[upbeat music.]
Hi.
I'm Fred from Fred's Cell Phone Company.
Hi, there.
We've got a bill that's overdue.
[forced laugh.]
Okay.
Uh, but is there any amount you can pay today? I'm sorry about that.
Thank you.
[ringtone chiming.]
Yes, that's been an issue with many people.
Um, I suggest you go to our website once it's up and running.
Okay, well, I'll have someone out there as soon as I can.
Okay.
And thanks for sticking with Fred's Cell Phone Company.
[pleasant music.]
[doorbell rings.]
Oh, hey, buddy.
How you doing? I'm just checking in on your service.
- You happy with it? - Uh-- Listen.
I heard you were working on some gardening.
So I had this extra hose.
You can have it.
Are you listening to my conversations? Just for sound quality.
Just for a little while.
None of the details.
Just little things here and there.
I won't do it forever.
Uh, that would be nice.
Thank you.
Yeah.
By the way, your mom is insane.
She's crazy.
Hey, Fred.
Thanks for coming all the way out here.
Hey, listen.
You're gonna get a charge of $3,000 on your bill.
Go ahead and pay it.
It's not on you.
I'm gonna get you back on the next bills right after.
Okay? I'm sorry about that.
- Okay.
- High-tech! - Carrie! Carrie! - Fred? There you are.
Oh, I missed you at the coffee shop.
Sorry about that.
Wait, how'd you even know I was here? Listen.
I have some text messages for you.
These did not go through.
They went to my computer.
"Carrie, Paul's surprise party's moved to Oaks Park Roller Rink.
Be there by 6:00.
" Wait, you've been reading the text messages? Hey, this is customer service.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Hand to hand.
How's it going? You seem so harried.
It's pretty crazy.
It's like being a waiter, but the tables are, like, all over town.
I think you should get an assistant.
Uh, that's not gonna happen.
Also, you've got a bill.
You're over your minutes.
- Wait.
What? - See you later! - Fred! - Fred, my phone's not working.
Yeah.
I'm gonna put you on hold.
Your input is very important to us.
What do you mean, put me on hold? I'm standing right in front of you.
Fred, don't you-- don't.
Fred! - Hey.
Sorry about that.
- Fred! [laughing.]
You show up there at 1:00 in the morning? Please.
No way.
Hey, you owe me 28 bucks on your last bill.
I sent you your bill, right? Oh, you're just at 60.
That's easy.
Uh, yeah, 60 plus late fee from last week.
I love you, Marlena, but, uh, you owe me money.
Don't blame me, right? Blame the boss.
- [laughing.]
- I'm Pat Boyle, and this is "Pat Down.
" Feel the heat? Hey.
I'm Pat Boyle.
How does it feel not to pay taxes for five years? - Hey.
- Hey.
- How's it going? - Uh, great.
I have a question.
I'm having some problems with my phone.
Oh, I'm not doing that today.
It's my day off.
Enough.
Fred, you're a communications company.
You just can't, like, not work.
I'll deal with it on Monday.
Not today.
You know, might I suggest putting up a "closed" sign - if you're not working? - I'll do that.
Ugh.
Okay.
Can you clean up? [knocking at door.]
Carrie, door! [knocking at door.]
Ugh.
[knocking.]
Do you know how angry I am? You promised us good service.
I've been waiting on a phone call from the hospital for test results, and I can't get a signal.
- What the hell's wrong with you? - Well, where were you waiting? I was in my house, waiting for a phone call.
- I can't get anything.
- Fred! Come on.
130 bucks? That's twice what I usually pay.
You charged me for a cell phone tower.
I'm closed.
[all speaking at once.]
- Carrie? - I'm here too, because you promised me Internet access.
I mean, come on! I am unavailable.
I am closed.
- No, you can't! - What? - Fred, you owe us! - [all shouting at once.]
[shouting continues.]
Lance! Lance! - Lance? - Yeah.
- What are you doing? - Adjusting the carburetor.
- I got you something.
- What is it? I planned it for a little while.
You should check it out.
All right.
Keep them closed.
Stand right here.
And open 'em! - What? - It's a massage chair! Why did you get this? It's for you, Lance.
You could relax.
You don't have to be in the garage the whole day.
You can come in here and hang out with me.
I don't need to relax, and I like being in the garage.
No.
This is good for you.
Look at it.
It's so you.
- Is it? - Like, your-- your face.
Those are your feet, and that's your body, and your brown hair.
Why are we just looking at it? Go sit.
[whirring.]
- Here we go.
- Whoa.
This is the dream wave massage.
Not bad.
It's locating your shiatsu points.
[farting.]
What's that air sound? Is that you? - It's good.
- Let me just press this one here.
[beeps.]
[whirring.]
[clamp clicks.]
I just pressed something there.
Whoa.
Nina, what happened? Do you like it? You're so relaxed.
- Can you hear me? - Bet you don't want to go back to the garage now.
I don't think I can move.
You're so happy.
What's happening? Nina! All right, I'm going to bed.
Are you coming? I can't move, Nina.
[sighs.]
You're still relaxing, huh? I'm gonna go to bed.
Please don't go to bed.
Don't leave me down here.
Somebody likes his new chair! Nina, don't turn out the lights.
Good morning! Who's a relaxed sleepyhead? Do you want some eggs and bacon? I guess.
Want me to feed you? Is that what it is? Do you like my nightwear? Is this my life now? How come you're not saying anything? Meow! I'll never get out of here.
[together.]
happy birthday to you I got him this chair, and he just loves it.
I guess we'll just, um, go and cut up some cake for you if you want some.
What's the point? I just want to die.
You know, Lance, I wish you could've taken a break from relaxing to just be there for me.
The hospital is one block away.
But you love relaxing in that chair so much you just couldn't break away.
Well, you're gonna have to choose, Lance.
It's either that chair or me and the baby.
Baby? When did that happen? We're leaving.
Don't go, Nina.
Here we go.
Time to die.
Bring it on, baby.
Baby? Oh, man, Roy Orbison, Jr.
I'm not gonna see that little squirt grow up, take his first steps, crash his first motorbike.
I'm just going to die here.
Time to die.
[gasps.]
Lance? I'm not giving up on you that easy.
I love you, and I'll fight this chair for you.
I bought you as a present, brought you into my house, and you took him, didn't you? Let go! Stupid chair! Let go of him! [grunting.]
[dramatic music.]
Break! [grunting.]
Let go! [gasping.]
Water! Lance, you came back to me.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How are you? Good.
If you have any questions about anything, you could just ask.
Is that a massage chair? - Yeah.
- Mind if I try it out? - Sure.
- Damn.
This is better than going to a chiropractor.
Yeah.
It's top quality.
[laughs.]
It's a business.
You know, that's what people don't understand, that it's a start-up, and that's what business is.
They just don't know how business works, and they're just jealous of entrepreneurs.
That's what I think, you know? They-- A business has to grow.
It has to get bigger.
And I'm doing what anyone would do.
I don't even make that much money.
I'm part of the technology world, and this is what it looks like.
Yeah, I don't know, man.
Oh! It's Pat Boyle.
You ever see "The Pat Down"? She is brutal.
What are the odds? I should video this.
Yeah.
Can't.
You should write that down as a memo that we should probably get video capabilities so it's instant instead of having to access its-- Oh, she got Chico! Is she coming towards me? It looks like it.
No! [stammering.]
Should we shred some of this? I-- Oh, wow.
What? Where is she? - Fred.
- Hey! Do you run this company? Uh, somewhat.
Did you tell this man who needed to contact his doctor in an emergency, "I'll get to you"? Hey, um, can we talk about this in private? I'm a huge fan of your show.
I watch it all the time.
I'm gonna make you a deal.
You give this poor man his money back, and then you're gonna pay all his hospital bills.
Because of your phone company, this man owes the hospital $300,000.
Well, I hope you go to the hospital and we talk to them about those bills.
That is out of line, and I support you.
Your company profited, Fred.
All I can say is Will you please edit this in a nice way? 'Cause I'm just a guy.
I'm not a business.
Like, I'm not, like, a corporation.
I'm just, like-- You make me sick.
I think she's talking to you.
No.
It was for you, Fred.
Zoom in on his face.
[dramatic music.]
Fred, can you tilt your head up a little? Thank you.
So how's the business going? Oh, I didn't tell you.
I got bought out.
- By who? - US Wireless.
They wanted, like, some kind of a boutique company, so they just bought it, and I'm done.
I'm, like-- They took the name and everything.
Should I be filing, like, a class-action lawsuit against you? - No.
You would sue them.
- Oh.
Yeah, 'cause they're the parent company.
- Okay.
- So please, do it.
Knock yourself out.
Great.
[zany music.]
In Mexico City, we have all the shampoos.
Johnson & Johnson.
We have Purell, Kiehl's.
We have that too.
In Mexico City, we really have it.
You look down the aisle, it's all Johnson & Johnson-- - Okay.
Well-- - Or it could be Purell.