Scrubs s07e03 Episode Script

Nothing in my life could compare to this.
I'm a dad.
That's not your kid.
I know, but he reminds me of Sam.
That's a girl.
Stop ruining it! Why do you have to ruin things? I'm having a moment here! Let's go.
It must suck that Sam and Kim moved.
What can I do, you know? She took a job at another hospital.
But they only moved, like, 40 minutes away.
I'm gonna see Sam all the time.
Matter of fact, I'm going there tonight.
The new patient scale had all the female staffers obsessing about one thing.
I need to lose two pounds.
Since Keith and I broke up, I haven't been eating or sleeping very well, so I'm down a dress size.
You look like you've been sick.
Turk, that's so sweet.
Come on, baby.
Let's go see how much you weigh.
We all sensed what would happen if Turk didn't let go.
Girls.
- Oh, no! J.
D! - You think that this is the way to treat Help! Two hundred and ten pounds! Good.
What's it say? Problem, ladies? Damn you, Carla, and your giant rubber stamps.
Let her go, Turk! Let her go! Sorry Hey, if you're gonna drive that gas guzzler, the least you can do is carpool.
Hey! I don't see you bringing anybody to work.
Hey! I just dropped my mom off at the mall.
She sits on the seat and then holds on by tucking her hands inside my bike shorts.
That's disgusting.
Yeah.
Doesn't feel right.
Hey, is your engine still running? Yeah.
I let it run all day so I can leave the air conditioner on.
That way it's nice and cool when I drive home.
I got to gas up sometimes over lunch, but it's worth it.
You have to see An Inconvenient Truth.
It will change your life.
The cause of global warming They're ruining the planet.
Yeah.
Don't go.
You know what really sucks? Being trapped in an elevator with you while you whine about your stupid life? You know what? It's actually okay.
All I need's a little white noise.
Yeah, I've got this new kid, but it's come at the crappiest time in my life.
Plus, I'm making that 40-minute drive on a scooter and if I ever want to bring Sam here, I can't, because his stupid flopsy baby neck isn't strong enough to wear a helmet.
- Later.
- Later.
Anyway, you want to know the cherry on top of the crap sundae that is my life? Tomorrow my loser brother's coming here.
Not happy.
Dude, you need some perspective.
This guy came in for a simple spinal fusion.
He got septic and there was nothing we could do.
You still want to complain because your brother's coming in today? Tomorrow.
Dan's coming tomorrow.
No, actually, he's coming in today.
He gave me a call and asked me if I'd help him with some embarrassing prank he wanted to pull on you.
Thanks for the warning, Turk.
You're a good friend.
I am.
Why are they all here? Zombie hug! Christopher, thanks again for your help.
Hey, man, if it involves making J.
D.
Scream like a little girl, I am there for you.
I'm a monster! Takes more planning than that.
It must be embarrassing for you.
Damn it! Three admissions in six months for stress-related issues? Really? Well, here's what I want you to do.
Stop.
Getting.
Worked up.
Over.
Again.
Over.
Small.
Things.
They're everywhere.
The stuff that's making you goofy.
It's all over.
Stop that.
Get him out of here.
Dear God.
Here's your coffee, Dr Cox.
You want me to grab that even though I suspect the reason that you're holding the handle is because the mug itself is scalding hot.
Now, I sent you out to get me some joe, not to give me a burn.
Put the coffee down.
Get out! Get out! Go, go, go, go! Wow.
Yes? You.
Questions? Comments? You do realise that you just told a patient to reduce stress and then yelled at an intern over coffee.
You are going to be a huge help when it comes time to write my memoirs.
I'm so sick of all the hypocrites around here.
Two words, sweetie, "Sun Screen.
" You know, your smoking is killing you.
God, that's delicious.
Our patients shouldn't have to take advice that we can't follow ourselves.
Woman's logic is flawless.
Okay, people, time to save the planet.
But where to begin? My first step was going with all hemp underwear.
It's awesome! Except when the hemp oil seeps into your bloodstream.
Then it's awesomer! Sir.
Make it snappy, Jumpsuit, I'm already late for my nap.
And Ted, so help me, I had better not find your head indentation on my pillow again.
This hospital is dropping the ball environmentally and I would like to volunteer my services as Environmental Officer.
- Will it cost me anything? - No.
Knock yourself out, hippie.
Groovy.
Hey, brother.
I had to take it 'cause of all the head sweat.
Thanks for buying me lunch, J.
D.
I'm a little cash light.
Having Dan here wasn't all bad.
So, Dan, you still living with your mom? Carla, Dan doesn't live with our mom.
He lives in an apartment that happens to be in Mom's attic.
Yep, nothing makes my life seem less crappy than hanging out with my loser bro.
I mean, sure, there's lots of bats up there, but that's because there's no air conditioning.
Bats like heat? Musty heat, yes.
Good question, Turk.
Thanks.
How come you don't point out when I ask good questions? Because I don't love you like he does.
Told you.
Actually, J.
D.
, I just bought my own house.
How could you afford to do that on a part-time bartender salary? I flip houses for a living now.
Turns out I'm really good at this real estate stuff.
Probably because it involves not a small amount of lying and doublespeak.
Well, if you're doing so well, how come you made me buy you your lunch? Good question, J.
D.
I was unaware one needed a reason to try and score a free meal.
Are you Can I I'll just I'm just Okay.
You have your own sandwich.
And now I have yours.
- Mayo? - What? You don't like mayo? I guess not.
So, Robyn, I see here that you passed out at work.
Yeah.
I saw a ghost.
Really? No way.
No, but I have to come up with something interesting, right? I mean, it was so embarrassing.
Tell people it was your mother's ghost.
Oh, I can't.
My mom's still alive.
- Bummer.
- Yeah.
Anyhoo, we'll run some tests.
Hopefully it'll be something exotic.
But not fatal.
Right.
Sip.
That is hot.
Add some half-and-half and come back.
Go.
Sorry, but these spaces are now for carpool only.
What if someone who's not a carpool parks here? Obviously, as Environmental Officer, I don't have any real power, but I can give you this citation just as a symbolic gesture.
You'll notice on the back, I've made a list of some possible consequences for violating the hospital's new Green Policy.
If you leave a light on, I make you lick a battery or eat a light bulb.
Your choice.
Of course.
And as for parking in a "Carpool Only" lane.
Well, I can't really damage your car, but I might just throw a wasp hive in there.
Hey, guys.
Maybe mess with the locks so you can't get out.
I'm gonna go with "Ow.
" Remember, give a hoot, don't litter.
That was outstanding.
That was your can, Dan.
You're so cranky.
I'm gonna cheer you up.
'Cause last time I was here, J.
D.
, you laid some hard truths on me and it really helped turn my life around.
So now, I got you a little something to say thank you.
A new car! What the hell? So, your tests came back.
Your prealbumin is low, you have a protein deficiency.
Robyn, you're malnourished.
I eat.
I mean, I'm not anorexic.
I read your case history.
You're a vegetarian who runs every single morning.
You eat mostly salads, you've got a stressful job.
Robyn, you're 5'9" and you weigh 119 pounds.
You need to gain some weight.
Hi, there.
I'm gonna go ahead and borrow your doctor for a quick second.
What the frick? You're wrinkling my shirt! Put me down! What are you doing? Because I gotta be honest with you, this seems wildly inappropriate.
Well, I checked your malnourished patient's chart back there and, well, something occurred to me.
You're 5'9" also, aren't you? No! Put me the frick down! Don't you dare put me on that fricking scale! Come on, J.
D.
This is the perfect gift.
You can't be driving 40 minutes on a scooter to go see your kid.
Plus, this is a hybrid, so you'll save tons on gas.
I don't want your charity, Dan.
Take it back.
No, it's yours.
Really? Well, if it's mine, then I guess you won't care if I do this.
Wow, this thing must have a fantastic crash test rating.
Hey, you! Come over here and read this number, will you? - No, Boon.
I will kill your family! - Go read those numbers! Oh, you say bye to baby Boon! What are you Got it! 298! Minus my super-buff 180 pounds, makes your weight 118, which is a full one pound less than your patient who is "in trouble.
" Hypocrisy, thy name is Boon, do you want to finish that for me? - No? Not smart enough to follow? - No.
It's you, Barbie.
Hypocrisy, thy name is you.
I'm gonna take a quick breather.
J.
D.
, I enjoy a demonstration of your lack of physical strength as much as the next guy, but what's your problem? Dan, you come here with your new job and your new house and you give me a car? So, what? Don't say it.
You're supposed to be the loser, not me.
Clearly, I loosened it.
And then Dan said the last thing I ever expected to hear from him.
You know what, J.
D? You need to grow up.
You shouldn't mess with hybrid cars.
- Be gentle.
- Nope.
I wasn't speaking to my brother.
Of course, Dan reacted the way he always does.
He became a character he liked to call the "constant questioner.
" Now, who's that guy? What's behind that door? When's the next bus to Chicago? Where's that girl going? Wanna see me do a funny dance? Wanna see me do it around you? Break it! Break it! Break it! New from Mattel, it's Hypocrite Barbie! Now, when you do waltz into your similarly stick-like patient's room, I don't want you to feel guilty because you brought in a bag of celery sticks and some air for lunch today.
Remember, it's not about you.
It's about her.
Robyn, this colleague of mine pointed out that I could also stand to gain a few pounds.
And I don't want to be a hypocrite, so how about you and I do it together? Sure.
He's got crazy eyes.
I do and I'm okay with it.
That's very wasteful.
Must you wash your hands so often? I just changed an 80-year old man's diaper and I'm about to eat a muffin, so if you don't mind, I'm gonna wash away.
I do not want to see this.
See what? He expects me to make you drink my mop water, but my bucket's all the way downstairs so I will let you off the hook, if you promise never to tell Ted.
Yes? - No.
- I'm gonna take that as a "yes.
" That's it.
Drink it down, baby.
All the suds, too.
You've learnt a lesson.
Move it, Jolly Green.
What's up your butt? Yesterday, Dan told me that I need to grow up.
Me! I mean, you don't think that, do you? What followed was what I like to call "The Hedging Noise Symphony.
" Do you think I need to grow up? You dream your whole life about that one moment and when it finally comes, you're just You're just not ready for it.
Here goes, the answer is a sincere, emphatic, 100% definitive, never been so sure of anything in my life, unequivocal yes.
And the fact that you came to me means everybody else thinks so, too.
Am I right? Yes.
Yes.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, hells yeah! I just needed to find someone who really understood me.
- My scar! - Is that face paint? Yeah, Carla wants me to trash it.
Oh, really? Dribble me.
Between the legs! Elliot, double dessert? Yeah.
I promised a patient that we'd gain weight together, so Wow, it's not every doctor that would take a hot bod like yours and go all jiggly for a patient.
Has anyone else noticed how fantastic Dr Reid has been looking lately? What's up, girl? That ought to do it.
Hey, why wouldn't you throw that in recycling? The recycling bin's way over there.
What's happened to you? You were going to change the world, man.
I've learnt to pick my battles in this world.
Otherwise you fight and you fight and one day you look in the mirror and there's an old man looking back at you.
And you have to ask yourself, was it all worth it? It's been 36 hours! I'm going to say something to you that's been said to me by every person I've ever loved, I'm really disappointed in you.
You are pathetic and weak and I don't love you any more.
Get out! You don't think I need to grow up, do you, Turk? Definitely.
That means a lot coming from a guy who painted his head like some sort of sports ball.
Buddy, the one thing I love about hanging out with you is that we get to do stuff like this, you know? But when you leave, I go back to being a husband and a father, which means paying bills, giving my daughter a bath, and budgeting with Carla so one day we can buy a house.
But you, have you even baby-proofed your apartment or learnt how to change a diaper? Aren't there instructions on the box? Have you seen your baby since Kim took him home? No.
All right, so you tell me.
Do you think you need to grow up? Do it.
Do it now.
Are you done? I can't believe I'm such a hypocrite.
I can't believe I gave up on saving the world after 36 hours.
I don't deserve to wear this sash.
I like it on.
You two are so boring.
Janitors aren't boring.
You want to know the weird defect you both have that made you screw up like this? - Please.
- You're both human.
Janitors aren't human.
They are! And Elliot, I'm really annoyed with you because I gave you this lecture two weeks ago.
Pay attention because I don't want to be saying the same thing again in two weeks.
You're both human.
I don't recall that.
It's human to want the best for your patients even if you can't follow your own advice.
It's human to get passionate about something and then get complacent.
It's annoying to whine about it all the time.
Janitors don't whine.
Oh, wait.
Yes, we do.
That's our thing.
Hey.
Hey.
Wanna see the dance again? Actually, Dan, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go over to Kim's with me and meet my son.
Yeah.
That'd be great.
You know, J.
D.
, you were the one who told me to get my life together in the first place.
But I never thought you'd do it.
That's a lovely sentiment.
I'm happy for you, Dan.
You don't know how to turn it on, do you? No idea.
I pushed it from the parking spot back there.
Okay, well, you see this button? Yeah, I discovered that's the stereo.
I think if you push this up.
It's pretty clearly a vent.
It's hard to own up to your shortcomings.
Like, for instance, your own hypocrisy.
Robyn, the nurses told me that you haven't been eating enough.
Well, what about you? This isn't about me.
I'm not the one fainting at the office, so just do what I tell you to do.
Barbie, there you are.
You were standing sideways, so I didn't see you.
Still, once you do own up, you might be surprised to see that you did make a difference.
Damn it.
Next time you guys get pastry crumbs all over my car, you had better bring a scone for the driver.
Well, what do you know? Your carpool thing stuck.
I guess that's something, right? As for me, I always assumed growing up happened automatically as you got older.
But it's really something you have to choose to do.
See you tomorrow, Sam.
I promise.
Good night, buddy.
I guess I feel like I'm finally on my way.
He looks like Dad.
I know.