Shameless US s07e03 Episode Script

1 Next time you miss Shameless, I cut off your testicles and feed it to homeless dog who lives behind Alibi.
But today, you get free pass.
I tell you.
(ROCK MUSIC) Phillip.
Tito, senior intern.
- Nice to meet you.
- All right, follow me.
I'll show you around.
Filling out the paperwork to disinherit you abortion-should-have-beens.
We are gonna start a maid service that is not only topless, but also cleans.
We'll corner the market.
Your thing is kind of weird.
It has all this extra skin.
Confronted Caleb about that chick.
He's screwing her.
(LIP) That's a nice stroller.
Where'd you get it? I found it in the park.
I'm gonna sell it.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Care to join us, doll face? Sure.
(FIONA) Sorry to bother you.
I work at Patsy's.
I'd like to quit.
We should just shut it down.
If I stayed on as manager, would you keep it open? Just keep it afloat.
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? (MOANING) (ROCK MUSIC) Hey you Come to see me It ain't ever Soon enough, baby Come on, come on (MOANING) Aah Shit! Shit.
Shit.
Fuck.
Fuck.
You okay, babe? You had a bad dream? Oh, my God.
Hey, uh, we were just, uh, working out.
Just breaking a sweat.
Sorry, got to get that lock fixed.
Yeah.
Might take a while to get him back to sleep.
You good to hang, and we can finish our workout? No, you know, actually, I should, uh, I should go.
I got to be at my internship early.
What do you do there? I work for free for a bunch of douche bags whose asses I would've kicked in high school.
- Sounds fun.
- Yeah.
You know your way out? Yeah, yeah, I'll figure it out.
Okay.
Come on, babe.
Let's go.
Lights out.
Come on.
No.
No, no, no.
No.
No, no! You have to love me! That's your job! Shut up, man! No, no! - (MAN) Shut the fuck up! - (WOMAN) We're sleeping here! You're dreamin'.
(COUGHING) You're cryin' in your sleep.
What you dream about? Pain.
Betrayal.
Fiona and Debbie ripped my skeleton from my flesh.
Jesus.
Monica was there too.
Sucking my blood through a straw.
And you were there.
- What? - And your kids.
And you put whiskey-drenched cotton candy back where my bones had been.
Who's Monica? Love of my life.
Bane of my existence.
(ROCK MUSIC) When you're all strung out You do look a bit like her.
Hm.
I need an ambition So sign a petition You taste like her too.
Probably the tooth rot.
You need a direction She says I've got depression Why don't you make up your mind Slut.
I know you are, but what am I? Take one day at a time (PHONE CHIMES) Come on, Harriet.
Sleeping time.
Pfft.
Is she still scared of me? Well, she did watch you bounce Frank's head down a flight of stairs.
How do you say "he had it coming" in Nigerian? What are you doing up? Caleb won't stop drunk-texting me.
Begging forgiveness? Begging, then name-calling, then begging some more.
Nice sex-hair.
Ah, Tinder rocks.
Free sex, any time I want it.
- No strings attached.
- Yeah, but you're female.
Isn't that always available to you? Maybe.
But Tinder makes it simple.
No confusion.
No misguided weddings.
Now I just bone and go so I can save my energy for more important things.
- Like what? - Like my job.
Patsy's Pies? Sure you want to be directing all your freed up energy there? You're one to talk.
You spend all day working for free.
- Has a point.
- But my bullshit internship is gonna turn into a non-bullshit career.
What? It was no offense.
Wow.
Some taken.
Hey.
Kind of harsh.
- Only 'cause it's true.
- Are you sure about that? Working for free is called slave labor last time I checked.
(BELL RINGING) (SOCIAL WORKER) Good morning! As a reminder, this shelter is closing at the end of the week.
(ALL GROANING) The Container Store franchise has taken over our lease.
"The Container Store"? That's a thing? (SOCIAL WORKER) Volunteers are passing out the addresses of other local shelters.
This says the nearest one is 60 blocks away.
Are we supposed to just walk? - Where are we gonna go to? - Back to Tent City, baby.
I hate Tent City.
That Santa Claus-lookin' dude is always trying to make me sit on his lap.
No, we are not going to sleep in tents like Indians and hikers.
I'll find a place for us to squat.
Someplace clean and dry, or at least indoors.
I'm the patriarch of this family, and I will provide.
Patriarch? My dream last night wasn't just a dream.
Was it a hallucination from all the drugs? A message from my highest self.
I was awake all night thinking about this.
My kids ripped my bones out.
They betrayed me.
They gutted me.
But you were there You and your kids Rebuilding me into the man I was meant to be.
Are you sure you're not still high? Monica, I need this.
I need a new family of Gallaghers, and you need a man to take charge.
My name ain't Monica.
Did I call you Monica? - Yeah.
- It's it's another sign.
Can we come with you? - Where are your parents? - Mom's dead.
Dad went out to score last week and never came back.
Jesus.
Sign number three.
- Wha? - God is handing me a do-over.
Uh, uh, New Carl.
New Debbie.
I'm a boy.
Really? You need a haircut, Debs.
Uh, New Ian.
New Lip.
You.
Yeah.
You alone? Yeah.
New Fiona.
Oh, no, I don't do three-ways.
Jesus, New Monica.
She's my new daughter, not a three-way.
I'm Although we should discuss the three-way thing, because you're really missing out.
But no, that's not what this is about.
What is it? You need new parents.
I need new kids.
Grateful kids.
Loving kids.
Whiskey-drenched cotton candy kids.
Not the fucking ingrates that I've raised.
Welcome, new Gallaghers.
Come on.
Give Daddy Frank a hug.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on! We Yeah, there you go.
Yeah.
Okay.
Come on, buddy.
Can't be late.
Day care's for losers.
Thank you, Frank.
Oh, here.
I'm not violent, Joyalisi.
Just in a hurry.
Her name is Jolayemi.
She can call me what she wants.
- (FRANNY CRIES) - Oh.
You owe me for the week.
Right.
I'm sorry.
I'm a little short.
My Internet business had a slowdown due to a lack of inventory, but I'll have it for you tonight.
Okay, thanks.
Have a great day.
(FRANNY CRYING) Luther, what's up? 'Sup? 'Sup is you gave my daughter gonorrhea, you little shit stain.
- That's what's up.
- I did? (DEBBIE) Run, Carl! (ROCK MUSIC) What the hell? You better run, Gallagher! I've been down To the point of nothing Looking for someone To bring me round Help us all Help us all - (SIGHS) - What? Worried about Fiona.
I don't know what to say.
I keep texting and deleting.
- Why worried? - Haven't heard from her.
Haven't had time to stop by.
It's weird.
I have no idea what's going on in her life.
Well, she's busy fucking strangers.
It's new hobby.
Very time-consuming.
(PHONE CHIMES) Kev is on his way with the ice cream truck.
Titty van, you mean? He already has seven bookings.
So what, I watch bar, you strip, Kev watches babies? Be more fun to strip together.
So Kev watches babies behind bar? No, 'cause he wants to drive us around.
Act as a bouncer just in case.
A pimp, you mean.
So who's gonna watch bar? (HORN HONKING) That's Kev.
Check it out, sister-wives! We gonna ride around in that? Right? (LAUGHS) Whoo! You know, my tits are smaller than this.
Our customers won't mind.
Hey, pal.
Uh, topless maids that actually clean.
Pass it along.
Where are the kids? Check it out.
Custom-built.
Are you ready for this? What do you think? Is that genius or what? They love it.
They can't Look at 'em.
Look at.
They love it.
What's that smell? That's not coming from the van.
Excuse me, sir.
This is a legitimate business here.
(BOTH YELLING IN RUSSIAN) - Whoa! - What the fuck? (VERONICA) No, Lana, Lana! - Aah! - Stop! (BOTH STRAINING) - (SPEAKING RUSSIAN) - Oh! - No! - I got I got Shit.
(BOTH SCREAMING) (YELLING IN RUSSIAN) What the fuck is going on here? (SVETLANA PANTING) (SPITS) This is my father.
He's staying with us for a while.
(SVETLANA PANTING) (SPITS) Guy at table eight sent back his burger and left without paying.
Said it tastes like ketchup-flavored cardboard.
Johnny, come on.
You burn any more of these burgers, I'm gonna deep fry you.
You get me better meat and I wouldn't have to char it.
That shit you bought tastes like freezer burn.
Well, I had to cut costs.
Otherwise, we all lose our jobs.
You get what you pay for.
Yeah, well, can't you get creative? Some new spices or something? You think you can do my job better than me? - (CELL PHONE RINGING) - You're welcome to it.
You pick up that attitude in prison? Hello? Liam punched him where? Okay, did he say that he was sorry? No, I'll come pick him up.
I got to go pick up my kid brother at day care.
Try not to poison anyone while I'm gone.
(INDISTINCT P.
A.
ANNOUNCEMENT) What, are you gonna eat breakfast off of that floor? How long have you been here? Came in early.
Caleb and I broke up.
Need something to fill my time.
Well, the shine's hurting my eyes.
(DISPATCHER) Medic 12.
First and Indian Heights.
Agitated female.
Tried to run into traffic.
Police have her subdued and cuffed.
That's us.
Let's hit it.
Coming.
(INTENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC) Come on.
Let's go.
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) - Yes! Yo.
Smells like a brewery in here.
Because that is the smell of victory.
Yes! - (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) - Yes! How long's he been playing for? Uh about 18 hours.
Jesus.
You guys watch him all night? I got to piss! That's you, man.
Yeah? (VIDEO GAME PLAYS ON TV) Hey, so you you want me to play for you while you go to the bathroom? I'm I'm not bad, but I can't make any promises.
(LAUGHTER) What? Listen, you're not playing for him.
You're changing his piss bag.
His what? Well, he's wearing an external catheter.
What the fuck is that? Well, it's a condom attached to his dick attached to a tube, and it fills up that bag.
Why? 'Cause that's what champions do.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Look, just change it before it overflows.
Are are you fucking with me? Well, it's either that or you can pull the catheter off his dick and hold the bottle, and he can piss in it.
You're an intern.
Grunt work is the job, and I've changed it twice already, so I have got to piss! All right.
(CLEARS THROAT) (ROCK MUSIC) Why is he covered in shit, Lana? He rode into country hiding on cow freighter.
He can't stay with us.
He's covered in tattoos.
Is that a penis fucking a skull? Kev, he sold her into sex slavery.
Yeah, he can't stay with us.
Tell her.
- (KEV) Hey, Svet.
- Yo.
Uh, he can't stay with us.
Yeah, sorry, we discussed it, and we just don't think it's a good idea.
So, we live together.
We love together.
We even raise babies together.
But this decision we do not make together? - She's right.
- (WATER HOSE SPRAYING) We're just worried about him being in the house with the babies.
Ah, he's good for babies.
Sweet.
He is also good behind bar.
He solves bartender problem while we go out and do titty van business so we can save money for college for babies.
You want us to leave our bar with him? Does he even speak English? English does not matter.
Make drink.
Take money.
Hurt people who do not pay money.
I grew up in his bar.
Everything I know, I learn from this man.
(SPEAKS RUSSIAN) (ROUSING MUSIC) - I'll go get him some clothes.
- Don't you dare leave.
(SIREN WAILING) Dude, can you just slow down? Call said "agitated woman.
" Agitated is code for mentally ill.
The cops already have her cuffed.
- She can't do any more damage.
- She's suffering.
Well, Jesus, we're not gonna be able to help her if you kill us first.
Almost there.
You burst your stitches again? What the hell did you do to me? Excuse me, but he has his finger up my ass.
Take a seat in the waiting room.
I'll be with you in a minute.
- The gonorrhea? - What? You gave me gonorrhea! - Jesus.
- I didn't give him gonorrhea.
I gave him a circumcision.
He's a little old for that, isn't he? That's what I said! All right.
I've seen TV.
I know how you can get infections from these surgeries.
Why do you think you have gonorrhea? You have swollen glands? A discharge? No, but my girlfriend has it, and her dad wants to kill me, and the dude's a cop! Okay.
First things first.
Let's run a test.
Hop up on the table.
(SIGHS) That's not the hole it goes in.
Whenever you consider not using a condom, remember this pain.
Aah! Barkeep! Six bloody marys.
Hold the mary.
Here we go.
I hate bloody marys.
Tomato juice prevents scurvy, and beggars can't be choosers.
Put your stuff over there.
(CLEARS THROAT) Who's this? Svetlana's father.
Welcome, comrade.
I'm Frank Gallagher.
Me and my kids drink for free.
Also, we're gonna be staying in the apartment upstairs for a while.
If Kevin were here, he'd sign off on that because he once tried to kill me and he would like to avoid prison.
(CHUCKLES) Also, assuming you're a communist, you understand the rich helping out the poor.
(CHUCKLES) So I'll just need those drinks.
Not for the kids.
No alcohol for the kids.
They drink virgin marys.
And the key, which Kev keeps in the register right there.
Sprechen sie English? (FRANK GRIMACING AND WINCING) Christ on a cracker, Russians are strong.
- Are you okay, Daddy Frank? - Course I am.
Ah.
My spirit is like a cockroach.
It can't be crushed.
My back's a little weaker than my spirit.
Come on, kids.
Let's go dumpster diving behind the donut shop.
- No.
No! - We're hungry.
I said I will provide.
I-I-I will provide.
Help me up.
I know a joint.
Great pancakes.
Shitty service.
Cunty manager.
We'll get food there.
(SIREN WAILS) Ma'am, I need you to calm down.
(WOMAN) Why aren't you listening to me? Let me go! Let me go! He's coming for me! - I have to go! - Kaylee Jones.
She ran into traffic.
Said the demon was chasing her.
History of schizophrenia, but no violent crimes, so I'd rather not book her if I can avoid it.
All right, Kaylee.
Kaylee.
I'm Ian.
Where's the demon now? He's coming! Please! Then we better keep you safe.
I can do that, but you have to trust me, Kaylee.
- Can you do that? - He's coming! I know.
Demons have been after me before too.
All right.
You just have to get to the ambulance, and then you're safe, all right, Kaylee? All right, you can do that, right? - Mm-hmm.
- Good, let's go.
It's okay.
It's all right.
I'm here.
OMG, your bag is to die.
Oh, thank you.
It's a limited edition.
Oh, clearly.
Is there anything I can help you with? Um well, Harry's only six months old, but she's already wearing clothes for 18 months.
Do you have this cashmere sweater in a larger size? I think I do in the back.
Love her name, by the way.
It's so retro.
Thank you.
(BELL JINGLES) (ROUSING MUSIC) (VERONICA) I just want to know how long he's gonna stay.
He kept roof over my head and borsch in my bowl until I was ten years old, ready to work on corner.
For this, I owe him.
I also owe him the money he spent to smuggle me into country.
You owe him the money he paid smugglers so you could be a sex slave in America? This is land of free, home of brave.
And if he had not smuggled me, I would not have met you and become happy wedded thrupple bliss.
- She's got a point.
- Shut up, Kev! I'm just saying, if I had a dad, I would forgive a lot too.
- You know what - Enough! We strip now.
Pimp, watch babies.
(GROANS) Hi.
Uh, sorry, but, uh can you move your van? I live right over there, and I have some little kids who are about to come out and play in the yard.
And? And, uh, your van is very graphic.
It's pornographic, really.
Oh, thank you.
Those are my wives.
- Well, lucky you.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, my wife I just have the one Highly emotional woman.
And if my five and seven-year-old sons are exposed to pornography for the first time while playing in our yard (CHUCKLES) She's just likely to cry until I agree to move to an even more expensive neighborhood.
Look, man, you tell your wife this is a legitimate business, and under the 14th amendment, we have every right to exercise our right to free speech and show boobs.
The 14th amendment abolished slavery.
God damn right it did.
Good thing too, because one of my wives is black, and the other one was a slave.
Dude, what the hell are you talking about? - (BABY CRYING) - Oh, good, thanks a lot.
Now you woke up my kids.
- Look, all right? - Shh, shh, shh.
Please.
I'm begging you.
Father to father.
Husband to husband.
Oh, man.
I'll pull the van around the block.
Hey, you, uh Want a business card, just in case, uh your wife goes out of town or something? (SIREN WAILING) Please, I can't breathe.
I will not let the demon near you, Kaylee.
I promise.
I can't move.
Please undo them.
I'm not supposed to do that.
Please.
Please.
They're hurting me.
It's gonna be okay.
All right? You're okay.
It hurts.
(SUE) Ian! - She's gonna be okay.
- It is not protocol.
Please help me.
Take a deep breath, Kaylee.
All right? - I'm gonna open them.
- No, God damn it, Gallagher! She's fine, Sue! - Watch the road, all right? - No She's fine.
You're all right, right? - Oh, yes, yes.
- All right.
Yeah, look.
You're okay.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Ian! See? She's fine.
Jesus Kaylee! (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, my God.
When is the last time someone ordered liver and onions? Just that old dude.
Comes in Tuesdays for the early bird.
Sorry, old dude.
So you can spend money on this camel toe I'm forced to wear, but the liver and onions is just too much? Uniforms bring in business.
Liver and onions don't.
(FRANK AND CHILDREN LAUGHING) - Table for seven, please.
- No, I'm sorry, I don't - Out! - There's a booth open.
- Come on, kids.
- Out.
- Come on, kids I got it.
- Dad! Mommy! - Hey! - Aww! She's not your mother, Liam.
Water is thicker than blood these days.
Yeah, and thanks to your influence, Frank, Liam is no longer welcome at day care.
He punched a kid in the balls and called him a gringo.
Okay, son.
Glad to hear it.
Give 'em hell.
- What's your name? - It's Uh, this is New Carl.
And that's New Ian and New Lip, and this cute one right here is New Debbie.
Can't I be New Dan? There's no Dan.
(NEW CARL) I'm hungry.
I'm sorry, but you can't eat here unless somebody shows me some money.
How about this? Oh.
Perfect.
Mrs.
Wilson.
Let me just take care of that for you.
- Oh! - Ah, come on.
You're a heartless little twat, aren't you? Almost positive I'm not.
I got money.
Took it all from teacher's purse.
You what? Just like I taught you! Okay, can we get some food for my - No, Frank.
- Hungry - You all stink.
- Formerly homeless And six bucks won't even cover coffee.
Okay, kids.
As we discussed.
One, two, three, go.
(LOUD CRYING AND WHINING) - We're starving! - She's gonna throw up.
Where's the bathroom? We've been doing drugs.
She's sick.
So go throw up.
Um, okay.
Fine.
Fine.
Just shut up! - There we go.
- No, none for the adults.
- Bitch.
- You tell her, New Fiona.
That's New Fiona? - If the bra fits - Okay.
Out, or I swear to God, I'm gonna call the cops.
You wouldn't.
- Here I go.
- Wait.
- You'd call the cops? - Uh-huh.
What kind of a Gallagher are you? I'm not a Gallagher.
You disowned me, remember? You just keep ripping my bones out, don't you? Out.
Come on, kids.
Leave it.
(PHONE RINGING) Hello? Ian what? Where? Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll be there.
Sierra.
I got a situation.
Can I borrow your car? - Yeah.
- I'm leaving you in charge.
Text me if there's a problem, and I'll talk you through it, okay? Uh, are the asses in the window gonna be a problem? Oh, Jesus.
(ROCK MUSIC) Cops are on their way, Frank.
Guess I'll be adding public nudity to my complaint.
Traitor! Who do I got to blow to get a meal around here? You don't need to blow anyone.
Listen Ask and Daddy Frank will provide.
- Follow me.
- Where? To the best free chocolate chip cookie in the Upper Midwest.
Come on.
In Russia, family is family.
We aren't used to parents seeing their children as sex objects.
Oh, your husband fucked your mother to make babies.
You want to ride on high horse? I have two daughters.
You don't see how that might worry me? He will not be interested in baby girls until they reach at least ten years old.
You don't see how that's disturbing? - Oh! - Put your boobs away fast.
Babies are in the truck.
We're not done.
No, I know, but it turns out we can make way more money by driving the truck around and just parking it.
Come on.
Oh, sir, no, uh, charge for lack of completion.
Ooh Ah, ooh Ah Help yourself to a cookie and have a look around.
Take all the time you need.
I'm here to answer any questions you may have.
(FRANK) Hey, kids, you heard her! - Help yourselves! - Frank Gallagher.
You working with a realtor this time, or you just here for the baked goods? No, I'm my own salesman, so no need of a real estate agent, but thanks for asking, Sylvie.
She's a shark, this one.
I hope you know how to negotiate.
(CHUCKLES) Mmm, too bad you're not as good a realtor as you are a baker.
You've got your cookies.
On your way now.
Let me just show you the master bathroom.
Oh, oh, oh.
Make sure you show them where Mrs.
Kevitz died.
How long was it before they found her? A week? Two? Oh.
It was months ago.
She died of old age, peacefully, at home, in bed.
It's what we all wish for, isn't it? It's it's hard to believe that you got the smell out.
It must've been a lot of air freshener.
Her nephew lives overseas.
Very motivated to sell.
So, the master bathroom.
It needs a little work, but there's lots of potential there.
- Nice to meet you two.
- Mm-hmm.
Is this gonna be our new house, Daddy Frank? Ha-ha.
You know, New Debbie, that's not a bad idea.
- I get the biggest bedroom! - Dibs on the shower! What? Hey.
What do you think, Moni? Home sweet homeless shelter.
- (LAUGHS) - Yeah? Fuck me, I need a break.
Only break for you is the record you're about to break, brah! - (APPLAUSE) - (WOMAN) Whoo! Hey, uh, let's replenish his food, all right? Yeah, you know where the kitchen is.
Hey.
Hey, what's the hell, man? I'm not a fuckin' slave.
Okay, I'm supposed to be learning something.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
All right, listen.
I have a Rhodes scholar, an MIT valedictorian, and a chick with a great ass and a master's degree from Carnegie Mellon who all want this internship.
The only reason you're here is because Youens let me take my particle physics final after I slept through it the first time.
Now, your attitude sucks.
And I am this close to using whatever little power I have in this position to get rid of you.
Do you want that? Just think about it.
(DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC) Hey! Shoes off the bed! Get dressed! You've had your fun, Frank.
Now, get out! I'm afraid you're gonna have to be the one to leave, Sylvie.
I got a lease.
I went behind your back and contacted the owner.
No, you most certainly did not.
- Prove it.
- You prove it.
One year with an option to buy.
You can't smoke in here.
Oh, come on.
Hey, kids! I need you to show Miss Sylvie the door.
You sick bastard.
Using these kids for your own selfish Ow! I'll be back! With the police! You stay here with the kids.
Don't leave, no matter what.
- Don't leave.
- Okay, okay, okay.
I'll be back.
Where you going, Daddy Frank? There's power in numbers, new and improved Gallaghers.
Lock the door behind me.
Use force to hold our position, if necessary.
Mm.
Please.
Please.
(MOANING) (MAN) One, two I'm sorry.
It was a judgment call.
You took the restraints off a schizophrenic en route? You are lucky she isn't dead.
It was a mistake.
I won't make it again.
You sure as shit won't.
I'm gonna cover for your ass this time.
- But I need you to watch this.
- Rita, I'm taking my meds.
You want to keep your job, Gallagher? Shut up and watch this.
(SIREN WAILING) (IAN) Ian, if Rita's telling you to go home, you need to listen.
Even if it seems unfair.
Even if you're feeling great.
You made a promise to Rita that no matter what, if she thinks you're off your game, you're gonna go home, so go.
Right now.
Don't fight her.
I'm serious.
Just go.
All right? Go! Come on, Ian.
I'll drive you home.
What are you doing here? (RITA) She's your emergency contact.
Well, I'm not having an emergency! I disagree.
Rita, I'm not manic, okay? You drove way too fast on the way.
You scrubbed the rig three hours before work.
Woody had just cleaned it last night.
You were making breakfast in the middle of the night, Ian.
Your meds can go out of balance when you go through a high-stress thing like a break-up.
Just take the week off and And go to a doctor.
- Okay.
- Good.
(MELLOW ROCK MUSIC) (TARYN) Do you need any other sizes? Um, yeah, I'd love to see the, um, jeans and, uh, pink sweater in the next size up, please.
Still working on losing the baby weight.
(TARYN) Oh, I know.
It's just the worst.
Take your time.
I'll be right back.
Thank you.
Been texting you.
Jeez, Carl.
You scared me.
Yeah, well, your pops tried to kill me this morning.
Yeah? Probably best to avoid him.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know how I possibly could've gotten gonorrhea.
You better get out of here.
- My dad'll be home soon.
- Wait, so that's it? You're just gonna ride off on the bike I bought you? I cut the tip of my dick off for you.
Dom! I love you! (SIGHS) (PHONE RINGS) Yeah? Hey, your little pixie tribe's in there trashing the place.
Total shit show.
(CHUCKLES) Ma'am, I understand.
I'm gonna get you your right order.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
What what's going on? - I - (MAN) This has mold in it.
- Ow! - (SCREAMING) Okay, stop.
- Burn.
- Stop, stop, stop.
- What's happening? - Johnny walked out.
We couldn't reach you, and we tried calling that guy Chad, but he doesn't pick up his phone.
Okay, oh, fuck.
Okay, go go back to the floor, and I'll handle this.
Uh, offer free drinks, and tell everyone we're just doing the cold menu right now.
Salads and sandwiches.
(ALL) Salads and sandwiches.
What's going on? Uh, I had a Uh, the cook quit in the middle of the lunch rush, but I'm handling it.
Adam, hi.
Uh, I need you to come in right now.
I'm saying pretty please.
Okay, thanks.
Chad, you want to help? Grab an apron.
Start making a BLT.
Otherwise, get out of my way, and you can yell at me later.
(INTENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC) (SCHMALTZY MALL MUSIC PLAYING) You're leaving? Uh, yeah.
Sorry, nothing fit.
Bummer.
Well, could I tempt you with this new white-gold baby cuff? Just got it in this weekend.
Cute, uh, maybe next week Could you have taken any longer? That's her.
She's stealing.
What? I'm not stupid like your baby's name.
(POUTS) I'm saying if you're in over your head I'm not.
You can't leave the diner unattended during busy hours.
I understand.
Look, I need assurance that this will never happen again.
Look, I have to take shit every day, all day, from a high-school dropout who could buy and sell me, 'cause that's my job.
I don't have time to also do yours.
Margo's a high-school dropout? That is so not my point.
Sorry that I wasted your time.
It won't happen again.
Do better.
(DOOR OPENS) (DOOR CLOSES) Hello? (GROANS) You have got to be kidding me.
No.
No, I-I cannot come right now.
No, no, don't call the police.
Uh, yes, I'll be right there.
The Container Store! They're closing this shelter, shutting it down, not even bothering to replace it, so they can bring in a The Container Store! A whole building that used to house human beings will now be dedicated to selling things to people who own so much stuff, they can't contain it themselves, so they need the help of a store.
- (APPLAUSE) - Well, I, for one, am not waiting for them to close this shelter at the end of the week, and I am not wandering on foot for 20 miles to find my way to another shit hole that they'll close next week to open a box store or um a paper store, a bag store, or a goddamn pet store! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Because animals are more important in this country than homeless human beings! Well, I'm not waiting, and I'm not wandering.
I have found a new place to lay my head.
It's warm, it's dry, and it's local, and I invite you all to join me there right now! - (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) - Right now! Right now! Let's go.
Right now.
Yes! But first, everybody grab a cot.
I'm here.
She's sorry.
Let's go, Debs.
Uh, not so fast.
She was shoplifting, so unless you're able to pay for everything that she was taking, then I - How much? - $2,423.
82.
- In baby clothes? - And mommy clothes.
And if you're not gonna pay, I'm calling the police.
Don't call the police.
She she wasn't shoplifting.
She just forgot to pay.
She she does that sometimes.
She forgets things.
It's a symptom of her low IQ.
Fiona! She's retarded? That's a that's a deeply offensive word.
That's right, Debs.
You tell her.
Sorry again for the trouble.
We're leaving.
- You okay, man? - Yeah, fine.
It's just, you opened that same cabinet, like, three times.
I'm thirsty.
So you just try the fridge.
Second shelf.
So what happened at work today? They sent me home.
I'm fine, you know, but 'cause I have a history of mental illness, they send me home when I make one mistake.
Okay.
I get it.
No, you don't.
What, I don't get how shitty Gallagher genes are? I have to set a timer every time I want to have a beer.
Frank's genes might not be quite as bad as Monica's, but But they suck.
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
They fucking do.
I haven't slept in a couple nights, and it's not 'cause Caleb's been texting.
I don't feel manic, but I never feel it when I'm manic.
I just feel fine or great until obviously I'm not 'cause I did something crazy.
When you feel like your meds might be, like, out of balance, what are you supposed to do? Up my downers.
Sleep it off.
See the shrink as soon as possible.
All right, then, you do that.
I don't want to.
Yeah, I know.
You know, I didn't want to go to fucking rehab, but I did it.
You know, and if I was gonna bare my soul to you, which I'm not, but if I was You know, I might admit that I wish I had done it a lot sooner.
You know, like, uh, before I got kicked out of college and ruined my whole fucking future.
Yeah.
(DOOR OPENS) How do you say sorry to a girl you gave a disease that could kill her? - Flowers? - You you gave a girl what? Gonorrhea.
Ah, shit.
You get antibiotics? No, I tested negative, so I don't need 'em.
O-okay, but Dom, she tested positive? Mm-hmm.
Uh look buddy, if if you don't have it, there's no way that you could've given it to her.
I couldn't? No, but it means she, uh, got it from somewhere else.
Like from a toilet seat? Uh no, no.
More like, um Another guy's dick.
(DOOR OPENS) I was just trying to be a good mom, Fiona.
You are so lucky that they called me and not the police.
I mean, you realize they can take Harry away if you get arrested.
They could also take her away if they think I'm special needs, Fiona.
Wait, whoa whoa, what happened? She was shoplifting.
You believe that? Fuckin' Prada diapers.
Huh.
My money was on stripping.
I was gonna sell them for money to pay Jolayemi.
I-I just wanted to get sleep at night so I could be a good mom.
Good moms stick around, and going to jail would drastically affect your ability to do that.
You really think I was making money stripping? Don't get any ideas.
Where you going now? I have a job.
And so do you.
Aren't you supposed to be washing dishes tonight? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm coming.
- (DOOR OPENS) - (UNINTELLIGIBLE CHATTER) Oh, my God.
What have you done? (FRANK) Okay, easy, easy, easy.
Papa Frank's got this.
Calm down.
Uh, they're closing the homeless shelter on Winslow, so we decided to move in here.
Sir, who gave you permission to occupy these premises? Uh, the Statue of Liberty when she said, "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.
" Jesus Christ when he washed the feet of the homeless and also shared with them his wine.
And finally, uh, the owner of this residence.
That's a lie.
They're trespassing.
Where is the owner? He's on a Norwegian cruise at the moment, but I didn't have any trouble reaching him just a little while ago.
How would you even have his number? I've lived in this neighborhood for I don't know how long.
I was very close with the old aunt.
She gave me the number a long time ago, in case of emergency.
What's his name then? If you don't know that, I'm not going to tell Oh, Sylvie.
Sylvie has trouble letting go, Officer.
She always has.
I'm sorry, lady, but I think this is one for the courts.
(SYLVIE) You must be joking.
- This man is - I know who he is.
And I know he's probably lying.
But I'm not about to arrest a couple of dozen homeless people and their kids when it's your word against his.
If you can get the owner on the phone I told you I can't.
Thank you for your service.
And thank you for your protection.
You be careful out there, okay? Promise? Thanks for dropping by, okay? Thank you.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) When's dinner? (HUMMING) What the fuck? (ROCK MUSIC) It's not the same not the same Not the same old way yeah You used to ignore but you moved from the summer yeah I know there's something in the soul of a vulture's mouth Inside the glove is the hand that'll take you out You have been sold and bought Lost in a Chinese market In the year of the cock with a rodent Swearin' to your cause I don't think you're a martyr hey I know it's right I know it's cold I know it's closer to you my love I know it's right I know it's cold I know it's closer to you my love And I'd hate for you To turn me around (CHOIR SINGING) Daddy Frank? (CHOIR SINGING) Can I help you? Sweet Sister, I surely hope you can.
(KNOCKING) Mm-hmm? Hey, Fi.
Uh, there's only a couple stragglers left.
Cool for me to clock out? You know the woman who owns this place dropped out of high school, and now she owns, like, half the South Side and a whole neighborhood in Indianapolis? Jesus.
She must've worked her ass off, huh? Never got married.
Never had kids.
Paid her dues.
Invested her money.
Leveraged it, whatever the fuck that means.
Holy shit.
She's worth 300 million? Yeah.
So it's cool if I go? Mm-hmm.
(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE) (KNOCKING) It wasn't me, okay? I'm clean.
What is this? Where is she? She's supposed to be at Latisha's.
Unless Latisha's the name of a college, she's not.
Are those Greek letters on that motherfuckin' house? Do you remember where this place is? Yeah.
Come on.
(DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC) (APPLAUSE) Yo, does anybody need a coffee? Beer? - (WOMAN) Beer.
- (MAN) Beer.
Right.
- Is there gonna be gunfire? - I sure as shit hope so.
(MAN) Go.
Go, go, go.
(GUN COCKS) (MAN) Police! Open the door, motherfuck! (SCREAMING) Dear God, thank you for Daddy Frank.
He's the best new daddy we've ever had.
And please let him let me be a boy named Dan starting tomorrow.
Good night, kids.
(ALL) Good night, Daddy Frank.
You want a quick BJ, Daddy Frank? That's just not right.
What's going on? Called a family meeting.
'Cause apparently she's the queen.
Hey, don't start shit.
You stay up all night with a screaming baby and tell me that.
I'm not invited? I just didn't want to wake you.
How'd you sleep? Good.
Slept all night.
You guys mind? I-I got to get to work.
- (BOTH) Yep.
- All right.
So, it used to be that we had a squirrel fight and everybody contributed what they could, but I'd carry the bulk of it because I was the only grown-up.
But times passed, and things have changed.
Most of us are grown-ups now.
Or at least pretending to be.
So, I ran the numbers and I came up with a system that I think is fair.
- What's this? - That's your share.
That's what you have to pay every month towards the bills if you want to stay here.
If we want to stay here? If you want us all to stay together.
To stay a family.
Otherwise, I'll rent out your rooms or sell the house and everyone can fend for themselves.
Why is mine higher than Carl's? 'Cause Carl doesn't need diapers and rash cream and baby food.
I fired Jolayemi because I can't afford to pay her anymore.
How am I gonna afford $375? You're not in school, Debs.
You could get a job.
Who's gonna watch the baby? Not my problem.
The house belongs to me.
I'm not gonna be paying rent.
The house and the bills are all in my name, and it's my credit that's fucked if we don't pay.
And it's not rent.
It's water and power and property taxes.
Since when do you care about your credit? Since now.
The only one who gets a free ride around here anymore is Liam.
So if you're out of work, file for disability or welfare or get a job.
Also I want you all to put me at the bottom of your emergency contact list.
Put Lip first, and then Ian, and then Kev and V, and then me.
Because I have a plan for my life, and I can't do it if I'm getting a call every five minutes about one of you.
And just so we're clear, I am just as likely as anyone else in this family to make something of myself, and it's about time you got that, you arrogant shit.
You see what Frank's doing down the block? (FUNK ROCK MUSIC) Pile it on, friends.
Don't be shy.
Get your fill.
God does not want you to go out into your busy day of begging without a full belly.
Wow.
My family is really upping the ante, huh? Tell me about it.
I got three kids, a wife, a husband, and a father-in-law with a giant johnson that I've seen twice already.
- What? - We have a lot to catch up on.
What is this? Looks like Communist Russia.
"Gallagher Home for the Homeless"? That shit smells good.
Hey, Frank, you can't have a homeless shelter here.
I beg to differ, neighbor.
- Mama! - Aww.
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