The Closer s07e03 Episode Script

Flynn! - Flynn! - What? What? Come on.
Come on.
Come here.
How'd you like to make a quick 2,000 bucks, cash? No, thanks.
Anything that begins with you whispering always ends with other people shouting.
Flynn, Flynn, I'm telling you -- this is free money.
There's this lawyer.
He -- he has some papers to serve, and he just needs a couple of great detectives to find some guy.
And what do we have to work with? Ah, well, a cellphone number.
But we've found people with less.
I don't know how to track someone's cellphone.
Do you? Oh, sorry to interrupt.
'Night, Lieutenants.
W-wait, wait, Buzz! Wait.
Wait.
Buzz -- you know We were just talking about you.
How'd you like to make a little extra dough? Turn right here.
I'd really appreciate if you'd stay in one lane.
And you could speed up a little.
There's a guy right behind us.
Would you relax? For using your car and tracking a cellphone, we're giving you Is what we're doing even legal? Look -- we're law enforcement, and we're doing it.
So that makes it legal.
And the Chief okayed this? We'll get her signature tomorrow.
Or maybe we don't even tell her.
She's got enough on her mind.
These papers that we got from the attorney -- they say this guy's name is Steven Hirschbaum.
Sound familiar, huh? Oh, there you go.
Uh, just leave it right here, would you? So, what, are you Bill Gates now? What's $20 when you're making, uh, $200? I got this one.
Ready? Who is it? Room service.
I didn't order any room service.
Uh, complimentary champagne, sir.
Oh, well, that's different.
I -- hey, what is this? Steven Hirschbaum, you've been served.
What? Think we can get that pose one more time? - Yeah.
Nice, big smile.
- Uh -- Oh, no, guys.
Uh, you think I'm somebody else.
I'm not the guy you're looking for.
Yeah, well, tell it to the judge, huh? Here's one for your scrapbook.
Oh, no, no, no.
Guys -- guys, you're making a huge mistake, really.
I got a bad feeling about this.
Don't go.
I'm scared.
We're out of here.
You see how easy that was, huh? Was I right, or was I right? Okay, you were right.
Now let's go back to the lawyer, get our cash, and just call it a night.
Darn it.
My taillight -- it's broken.
Well, I didn't do that.
You could have.
You were driving like a crazy person.
And my insurance isn't gonna cover this because my deductible's $1,000.
You know what? I'm documenting this.
What the It's him.
Hirschbaum committed suicide.
Suicide? What, are you kidding me? He's got multiple gunshot wounds in his back.
Oh, my God! My car! Oh, relax, Buzz.
I know an amazing guy in Koreatown.
He'll buff this right out.
No! No, no, no.
You can't call this in.
Nobody knows we're here.
There's a dead man on my car.
Well, we didn't put him there.
Oh, all right, all right.
Call Gabriel and the guys, but there is no need to bother the Chief.
This is totally containable.
Hey, what did you want us to do, Gabriel? We're off-duty, and we don't have our guns.
He fell from up there down to here? Yeah, back dive and a half-twist.
And would you believe the Russian judge only gave him an 8.
5? Gabriel, Gabriel, look -- I know what you're thinking.
Um -- "What is a murder victim doing on Buzz's car in the first place?" Well, simple -- we were taking Buzz to dinner, like we do every week.
Then, out of nowhere, there was shots.
Thank God the car was here.
Could you imagine what this guy would look like if he'd landed on the pavement? Or on us.
I mean, we could all be dead.
No guns, but I got three casings, a subpoena, a cellphone, and an I.
D.
belonging to a Steven Hirschbaum.
So, you don't know the victim at all, and the first time you saw him is when he landed on Buzz's car? Hey, guys, check this out.
Oh.
Get -- Oh.
I guess we did see him before.
Who's gonna call the Chief? No one.
You hear me? Nobody's gonna call the Chief! She does not need to know about this.
I'm not so sure about that.
Ohh.
Can someone please explain how Steven Hirschbaum, a guy convicted in a massive federal fraud trial, ends up dead on Buzz's car five days before his sentencing? Agent Howard -- Fritz -- Fritzie Now, tell me -- what can we do to keep this just between ourselves? Your victim burned through corporate cash like it was Monopoly money, then moved company pension funds into offshore accounts, which we still haven't found.
Steven Hirschbaum -- we -- we thought that name was familiar.
Chief, I was -- no! I do not want to talk to you now, Lieutenant.
In addition to, um, criminal penalties, isn't there some giant civil suit against him? Yeah, former employees and investors are trying to recover whatever's out there.
Look -- the whole thing was a mess.
Probably just got a lot worse.
Detective, will you please see if any of the plaintiffs suing Mr.
Hirschbaum had ever threatened him or had a history of violent offenses? Me? Chief, there's got to be like Then I'd get started.
It also says here that Mr.
Hirschbaum had a wife and daughter? Mm-hmm.
Uh, please make sure that they're notified, Lieutenant.
Yes, Chief.
Thank you.
Now How is it that you two just happened to be directly underneath the victim when he plummeted to his death? Well, first, uh, Chief, I was wondering if I could get your signature right here.
That's an authorization for outside employment.
Uh, yes, yes.
You see, last night I got a phone call from a lawyer -- Owen Doyle.
He's one of the attorneys suing your victim.
Doyle just had a cell number on Hirschbaum, and he needed somebody to find him to serve him this subpoena.
And how did you find him with only his cellphone number? Uh, weTriangulated his location.
By using, uh, the Catfish.
You don't know how to use that.
Buzz does.
With Captain Raydor conducting a transparency audit of this entire division, you thought it was a brilliant idea to use one of our civilian techs to track a private citizen without a warrant?! Well, I wouldn't say "brilliant.
" You posed with him? Well, we had to have proof of service.
Oh, the video is a whole lot better.
You made a video?! Well, Buzz was already there.
All right.
That's it.
I've heard enough.
Detective, please find this lawyer Doyle and have him brought in immediately.
One other thing -- as far as we know, only the FBI knew that Hirschbaum was at the hotel.
Either the killer also triangulated his unlisted cellphone -- highly unlikely -- or -- you're suggesting that we led the killer to the hotel? That's insane.
Dr.
Morales: Chief? Uh -- you'll want to take a look.
As I suspected, death was caused by a .
45-caliber bullet, which pierced his pericardium, instantly stopping his heart.
But the real surprise -- well, the fact that his name was given to me as "Hirschbaum" proved to be something of aTip-off.
Or not.
Yep, he doesn't look that Jewish to me.
So, I did a live scan of his fingerprints, and his actual identity came back as Scott Esposito, age 51, convicted of several petty crimes.
Take a look.
Wait, so -- so, this is not Hirschbaum? It's an imposter.
Do you know what this means? Yeah.
We served the wrong guy.
And we don't get paid.
This surveillance has been going on for Chief, the lawyer who hired Flynn and Provenza is in 1.
-- Uh, thank you, Detective.
- Go on.
- We know it was Hirschbaum who checked into the hotel on Tuesday, and photos confirm he was on the balcony at 6:00 p.
m.
last night.
Now, we believe he switched with your victim shortly after that.
And your men didn't suspect a thing? Look, Detective -- I think it's fair to say that any two gray-haired, middle-aged men in blue velour track suits would be difficult to distinguish at 1,000 yards.
Tell us what else you know about the victim.
Okay.
Scott Esposito was a sometime actor who supplemented his income by engaging in low-level con jobs.
May I? Ohh ho.
When you served him, did he say anything revealing? Well, uh, he may have said, "It's not me.
I'm not the guy you're looking for.
" He also said, "You're making a huge mistake.
Wait.
Don't go.
I'm scared.
" How were we supposed to know what that meant? Okay, okay.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Let me just see if I've got this right.
If the killer's target was Mr.
Hirschbaum and not the decoy, then there are hundreds of suspects.
But if the decoy was the target, then our primary suspect would seem to be Mr.
Hirschbaum himself.
Now, see, that makes sense to me.
Hirschbaum's a guy with a ton of cash looking at life in prison, so he kills his double, and then he just goes off to live in some tropical paradise, just like Ken Lay.
- Hmm, that's funny.
- Oh, come on.
Am I the only one here that thinks that Ken Lay is on a beach in Fiji right now? I mean, the guy's supposed body was cremated like a minute after they found it -- come on.
- You need to get a life.
- Oh, I got it, and then I could get another life and kill that guy -- Conspiracy theories aside, Chief, what do we say to the press? That Steven Hirschbaum is dead.
If he thinks that that's what we believe, he'll be easier to find.
And if the killer is not Mr.
Hirschbaum, then we don't want that person back on the hunt.
Chief -- lawyer in 1.
I just want to emphasize Steven Hirschbaum is a federal fugitive.
- Finding him is the FBI's job.
- But he's our suspect.
Okay.
Uh, Lieutenant Tao, Detective Sanchez, while Detective Gabriel is following up with the aggrieved employees, please find anyone who would want Mr.
Esposito dead.
Chief, what about me and pro- I'll deal with you later! Mr.
Doyle, I'm Deputy Chief Johnson, and this is Special Agent Fritz Howard of the FBI.
Well, what the hell am I supposed to do now, huh? I mean, I'm finally starting to get somewhere, and now this? Well, I'm sorry about the inconvenience that Mr.
Hirschbaum's murder has obviously caused you.
Can you tell us where you were last night between The same place I am every night -- at my desk, trying to fend off the endless motions that cretin's lawyers are filing against me.
Who do you think might have wanted to kill Steven Hirschbaum? You have a phonebook? How did you come to possess Mr.
Hirschbaum's private cell number? Oh, his daughter's a plaintiff in the civil action.
She gave it to me.
- Why would she do that? - I don't know.
Maybe because she's a decent person who wanted his employees and investors to feed and clothe their families.
I thought I could reason with him, but the scuzzball wouldn't even call me back! - Chief.
- Yes? I'm sorry, but Hirschbaum's family's in Chief Pope's office.
Thank you, Detective.
Mr.
Doyle, excuse me.
Excuse me.
Brenda, Brenda I didn't want to contradict you in front of your team, but I really can't go along with this decision to withhold the true identity of the victim.
You'd prefer we alert the killer to his mistake? No, I'd prefer we not deceive the public.
The agency has a policy against knowingly making false statements.
The agency can just say "no comment.
" Yeah, and who is going to look like an idiot when the truth comes out? Chief? Agent Howard, I'm off to brief the press on the Hirschbaum murder.
Anything I should know? Just be yourself, commander.
Right.
I can live with that.
Wife and daughter? Yes.
To many people, Steven Hirschbaum may have just been a convicted felon, but also a father and husband to a ridiculously hot widow.
Wow.
How's that diet coming along? Oh, okay -- couple pounds.
I think "widow" is a little premature.
There are some things you don't know.
Yeah, like where did he stow $300 million? And that the last people to have seen him alive may have been Flynn and Provenza.
What? We have it all on videotape, filmed by Buzz.
Why? They were moonlighting for some lawyer, serving a subpoena to Hirschbaum in a civil suit.
Oh, my God.
And the person who fell off the balcony -- not Steven Hirschbaum.
Not Steven Hir-- so who do we have in the morgue? Some actor, which we aren't going to tell the press while we're still looking for the killer.
You think it's a good idea to have someone from the L.
A.
P.
D.
lie publicly? Oh.
Yeah, I can live with that.
Good morning, ladies.
I'm Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson.
I am so sorry for your loss.
You must be Shannon Hirschbaum, Steven's fourth and final wife.
And I'm Andrea, his only daughter That we know of.
I see.
So, your mother is My dad's first wife.
She lives in Boca Raton.
Which is why I wish you'd call me "mom.
" I'm not calling you "mom.
" Shannon, you sat behind me in 8th-grade French.
You don't have to be such a total bitch when I'm only trying to co.
I just can't believe Steve's dead.
Well, death isn't always the end, Shannon.
I know how difficult it is to answer questions at a time like this, but can you tell me the last time you spoke to your husband? Uh, Tuesday afternoon.
You see, we had an argument, and he packed some things and left.
- Did he say where he was going? - No.
You see, we had an argument, and he packed some things and left.
So you didn't know he was going to a hotel? No.
You see, we had an argument, and he packed some things and left.
Packed some things and left.
Andrea, I understand you gave your father's cellphone number to the attorney suing him.
What makes you say that? The attorney told me.
Okay.
Well, I know that might make me look like I had something to do with what happened, but I was -- I was just trying to get people talking.
If it's not too much trouble, um, do you think one of you could get me a copy of my dad's death certificate? You want a copy of his death certificate right now? For the lawyers, yeah -- so they can start to put things in order.
I can't believe you gave your father's private cell to the lawyer suing him.
Your father never even gave me his private cell.
Great minds think alike, Chief.
If our victim, Scott Esposito, had Hirschbaum's cell, where's Scott Esposito's phone? So, I found Esposito's cellphone number, and, sure enough, that phone is still active and being used this morning.
And where's that phone right now? Currently moving through mid-Wilshire.
About 10 minutes ago, it dialed a private limo service.
Lieutenants Flynn and Provenza, here, now.
Chief, now, I know you're a little upset, but -- There are no "buts," Lieutenant.
I'm suspending you both for the next 72 hours.
O-on what grounds? On the grounds that you procured outside employment without prior authorization, used L.
A.
P.
D.
equipment to conduct a warrantless search, enlisted a civilian in your illicit activities.
Need I go on? No.
That's a pretty complete list.
And since Major Crimes has agreed to leave the pursuit of Mr.
Hirschbaum to the FBI, I would appalled if you, as private citizens, tried to serve him again by tracking a number that might point to his current whereabouts.
Tell Buzz he and his Catfish device are suspended, as well.
Move along.
Suspended? Buzz, where are you going, Buzz? To spend the next three days of unpaid leave with anyone but the two of you.
Excuse me.
Uh, uh Uh, all right, fine.
But first we need you to track a cellphone for us.
Are you kidding me? That's how I got into all this trouble in the first place.
Unh-unh.
No way.
Nope.
Listen -- w-we got into that little bit of trouble last time because Hirschbaum had traded phones with Esposito.
Now, how could we have known that? Oh, I don't know -- by being detectives, maybe? Okay, here's what we know for sure -- Esposito's phone just called for a limo.
That means he's on his way to the airport.
And the FBI is looking for him, too.
So if we don't serve those papers, like, now, we're never gonna get any of the money.
And you'll never get your car fixed.
As if $200 would have taken care of that, anyway.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I spoke with the lawyer, and he's gonna cover all your expenses, plus make up for your and an extra $200.
And an extra $200 -- if you'll just give us a ride to wherever your Catfish takes us.
All right.
Look, Buzz.
Have we made mistakes in the past 24 hours? Yes.
Did we underestimate the potential for fallout? Absolutely.
Did we take advantage of your kind nature? Probably.
- Would you be wiser not to trust us? - Flynn! Now, you listen to me, young man -- this time, this phone number comes from the Chief.
The Chief! All right.
Esposito's phone is gonna be in that bungalow.
And don't bump into the limo.
I still can't believe you got me suspended.
And I want my car fixed by someone reputable.
Fine.
Whatever.
Now, Flynn, look -- the way I figure it, if Buzz's deductible is a grand, we're still almost $3,000 in the black.
What?! And I want 1/3 of $4,000, before repairs and expenses.
Fine.
Fine.
Hey! Get lost.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm off duty, and I flashed my badge.
I flashed it.
Sue me.
I would, but I don't want another body landing on my car.
Hello? You called for a limo? Yeah, just a minute! Where's the subpoena? I thought you had it.
Oh, God.
It's still in evidence.
Uh Aah! Aah! Aah! Help! Please! Assassins! Aah! Help! Come here! Help! Son of a -- aah! Will you calm down?! Okay.
All right.
How did you find me? We traced Esposito's cellphone.
Cellphone? - This cellphone?! - Hey! What the hell was that for? Oh, my God.
Will you look at this? It's ruined.
This is a $500 jacket.
Yeah, well, uh, take a look at who just showed up.
Over here -- let's go.
All right, you know what? I say we turn him over to the feds and be done with this douche bag.
Hey, hey.
You don't even know me.
If we give him to the feds, we're out the four grand, we still have to fix Buzz's car, and now we got to buy you a new jacket.
Well, how are we gonna get him past the agents, where we can even serve him the papers in the first place? We are screwed! Someone called for a limo? Well, we're not gonna get very far in this, are we? Get in.
Look -- I'm not saying we should have taken him to your place, but if we're gonna be out an extra 100 bucks, we could have taken him to some place a little less disgusting.
You know.
Oh, look -- you can still see the chalk outline from the last person who stayed here.
Is anybody besides me getting hungry? No.
Sit down and shut up.
Oh, it's an un-catered kidnapping.
Boy, you guys really did not think this through at all, did you? You know, I'm starting to understand why some people would want you dead, even if you hadn't stolen the pension funds.
Oh, please.
Am I a lousy businessman? Absolutely.
The worst.
But I am not a criminal.
I am simply the victim of some financial oversights that were somewhat challenging to explain in court.
Buzz.
So, this dump does have a fax machine.
There's the number, and it's $2 a page.
That's coming out of your 1/3.
What? Ah, Sanchez -- charming as always.
Uh, listen -- we have Hirschbaum, and I need you to get the -- Oh, man.
The feds think he was kidnapped.
You guys are like real criminals.
Yeah, well, listen -- I need you to pull the subpoena from evidence and fax it over to me.
The number is -- can't do it.
The FBI's got all that stuff in the conference room.
Well -- well, then get me the Chief on the phone.
Hirschbaum's girlfriend said the kidnappers were "Thuggish older men" and that one of their grandsons was there, videotaping it all, probably to establish proof of life.
Anyway, she's sitting down with the artist.
We should have faces to distribute shortly.
Chief, uh, Taylor for you on 3.
Oh.
Thank you, Detective.
Yes, commander? It's Provenza.
We have Hirschbaum.
We're five minutes from killing him and then ourselves.
But first I need a copy of that subpoena so I can serve it to him.
Oh, that's a shame, commander.
Would you excuse me for a minute? Closed? Open? Closed.
Thanks.
I can't get you that subpoena, Lieutenant, and if you contact Doyle and ask for new papers, that's telling him Hirschbaum's still alive.
And my whole strategy depends on people thinking he's dead.
Hang on.
I can't leave with Agent Howard here, but I have some questions for Hirschbaum.
My boss has some questions for you.
Are you gonna at least read me my rights? Tell him I don't have to read him his rights.
I'm on the phone.
She doesn't have to read you your rights.
She's on the phone.
I am sitting here with two police officers.
Tell him -- oh, for heaven's sakes.
Lieutenant, put me on speakerphone.
Yep.
Here -- speakerphone.
Lieutenants Flynn and Provenza are not police officers today.
They're private citizens.
Well, then I've been kidnapped.
Well, would you like me to tell the FBI? They're right here.
All right, fine.
I will answer your questions, but I have to tell you -- I am finding this whole situation extremely upsetting.
Why did you kill Scott Esposito? What are you talking about? I had nothing to do with that! I think you did.
I think you set him up at the hotel and then shot him because you thought by the time we realized it wasn't you, you'd be out of the country.
That is so not true.
His ending up dead screwed me royally.
Well, if you didn't kill him, who did? Well, this may come as a surprise to you, but right now I am about as popular as your average middle-eastern dictator.
But if I had to guess, I would say it was probably my wife, Shannon, the near-sighted bitch.
Why would she want you dead? Probably 'cause she found out about my girlfriend.
And Shannon is the only person that knew I was at that hotel.
Lieutenant, take me off speakerphone.
Ah.
Hi.
Did Buzz videotape the abduction of Mr.
Hirschbaum? Uh-huh.
You want him to e-mail it over to you? Immediately.
I'm about to bring Mr.
Hirschbaum back to life.
What kind of good news? Did you find my dad's killer? Oh, it's so much better than that, Andrea.
You see, it turns out that the man who died last night at the hotel wasn't even your father.
What do you mean? Who was he? An imposter, hired to throw off the authorities.
My husband's alive? Are you sure? I am.
In fact, I've got some video taken of him two hours ago.
Uh, bear with me.
I am awful with this control thingy.
There.
Hello? You called for a limo? Yeah, just a minute! That's really his voice.
That's Steven's voice.
Oh, God, it's still in evidence.
Uh What is he doing with her? Aa-- You know that woman? It's Lisa Fleming.
She's our personal trainer.
What were they doing together? Heading off to Venezuela, I think.
Wait -- Venezuela? He can't be taking Lisa Fleming to "Cawackas.
" He was supposed to be taking me, that bastard.
It's "Caracas.
" You pronounce the "r.
" You know, I think I liked my father more when he was dead.
Listen to you.
The only reason you wanted the death certificate was so you could go and claim your inheritance, which -- let's be honest -- you would probably waste on charity, anyway.
Yes, let's be honest.
You said you didn't know about the hotel.
What else did you lie about? I told you I liked your ugly new haircut.
You can start there.
Where is he? Yeah -- where? I want to know.
I think the motel is called Las Pulgas.
Uh, let me check.
Yep? Lieutenant, in between leaving here last night and arriving at the hotel, where did you stop? Uh, well, uh, the lawyer's office, to pick up the papers -- it's the Chief -- and then The gas station.
Why? And when did you first notice the broken taillight? When we left the hotel.
That's what I thought.
Let's replay the events of last night and see what happens.
Uh, what about the wife and daughter? I'm releasing them back into the wild, Lieutenant.
Stay in touch.
Oh, my God, I can't believe you actually graduated -- All right, Flynn, here's the deal -- you keep an eye on numb nuts here, and Buzz is gonna run me over to the lawyer's office.
Look -- if this is still about collecting the four grand, I say we cut our losses and get the hell out of here.
We can't afford to cut our losses, Flynn.
We're in a hole that's getting deeper by the minute, and now it's filling with water.
We need that money just to break even.
Come on.
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, guys, I couldn't help but, uh, overhear.
You know, if either of you are experiencing any financial difficulties -- Stay out of this.
All right, go see the lawyer.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Hear me out.
Personally, I think it is shameful that heroes of the public sector, such as you gentlemen, should have to take outside jobs just to make ends meet.
Uh Where you going with this, Hirschbaum? Look -- I would never dream of offering you a -- a payoff.
But, um, how would you feel about taking an untraceable cash Gratuity To, uh, you know, look the other way? Are you trying to bribe police officers? W-we're not police officers today, Buzz.
Just make sure that camera stays off.
Now, how much are we talking about, exactly? Well I don't know.
$100,000? Each.
Well -- I could transfer the money to an account of your choosing, you could serve me those papers, and you would never hear from me again.
All I need is a disposable cellphone and an international calling card.
You're not actually considering this, are you? Are you? Oh, my gosh.
You are! Gentlemen.
Fritzie! How's the Hirschbaum investigation going? Not so well.
In fact, it's turned into more of an A.
A.
R.
P.
manhunt.
Any chance you can identify these disgruntled shareholders? Well, they do look familiar.
- Brenda, we agreed that my people - Look -- I suspended - were gonna find Hirschbaum.
- Flynn and Provenza hours ago.
I have no control over what they've done since.
Are you telling me you had no idea they captured a federal fugitive? How do we even know it's Hirschbaum? The last Hirschbaum we found wasn't even Hirschbaum.
Look -- why don't you ride along with me, and if things go as I expect, you'll have your fugitive, and I'll have my killer.
Well? Coming? Hey! Don't open the door with your foot.
Ow.
Mr.
Doyle? Ah.
Evening, Lieutenant.
Uh, I suppose you've come to collect your money.
Uh, actually, no.
I, um -- I hate to bother you with this, but I'm going to need another copy of the subpoena.
Why would you need another copy of the subpoena? Uh, as it turns out, the guy we served last night -- you know, the one that went off the balcony -- was not Steven Hirschbaum.
Then who was he? Scott somebody, a low-level crook who was also a not-very-good actor.
Uh, anyway, I'm -- I'm gonna need some fresh papers.
I just spent the last 12 hours drafting new motions based on the erroneous idea that this guy is dead.
Y-y-you people are -- are terrible.
Yeah, but -- I mean, really.
N-n-now, look -- um, my partner and I have Hirschbaum at this fleabag just a few miles from here.
Just give me the subpoena, we serve him, you pay us, and everything's right back on track, right? Yeah, yeah.
Great.
Fine.
I just -- I -- I need a couple of minutes to run this off.
Honestly.
Mm.
This is where my taillight was broken out last night while my car was just parked here.
Why? Why would someone do something so senseless and cruel? Because it makes your car easier to follow in the dark.
Get in.
I'm never gonna let you get away with taking that bribe.
You know that, don't you? Yeah, well You have no idea what Flynn and I could do with that money.
And let me tell you -- the best thing for you, young man, is to keep your mouth shut about all of this, huh? Now, pull away from here and drive slow.
Why? Oh, for goodness sakes, for once, would you just do it, Mr.
Goody-Two-Shoes? You have no idea how disappointed I am in you.
Look -- the authorities call it "sexual tourism," but it's not like that's all you do while you're there.
These women are amazing tour guides.
The beaches are fantastic -- Flynn? Ready? Yeah.
Ready, Freddy.
All right, look -- we're gonna serve you the paper, we're gonna take your picture, and then we're gone.
Good.
And listen.
Listen.
I'm gonna act really surprised when I open the door, okay? Well, that would be a nice touch.
Yeah.
All right.
Yeah, all right, go.
Who is it? The maid! Just a second! Hey, what's going on? You're not the maid! Uh, Steven Hirschbaum, consider yourself served! Okay.
That's that.
We're square, huh? Just do us a favor -- count to 60 before you come out.
Hey, you guys, I just want you to know I'm really gonna miss the three of you -- you with the gruff attitude and you with the much bigger heart than you let on, mister, and you, all wide-eyed and innocent.
I think I'm gonna miss you most of all.
Yeah, yeah.
So long, Dorothy.
Wait -- I left the Catfish in there.
Don't worry about the damn Catfish.
We'll get it later.
I'll pick it up when I come back to get my security deposit.
Let's go.
Aah! Mother-of-pearl.
Just drive around to the side of the building and stop.
11 Mississippi 19 Mississippi 36 Mississippi Drop your weapon! Drop it! What the -- what? Okay.
Don't move! Okay.
Don't move.
Okay.
Mississippi I have a permit for that.
Did it permit you to kill Scott Esposito? Owen Doyle, you're under arrest for murder.
You have the right to remain silent.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anything you s-- I may not be the best attorney in the world, but I know my rights.
Oh, this is the last time I hire you.
Well, as long as we get the four grand you owe us, who cares? Good job.
58 Mississippi And 60.
FBI.
You're under arrest.
Aah! Aah! Aah! No! No! No! Aah! Help! No! Ugh! Hey.
Hey.
All right.
This is totally illegal.
I bribed officers Flynn and Provenza, and when that comes out in court, you are going to look ridiculous! Well, not as ridiculous as you're gonna look, having punched your offshore account numbers into this disposable cellphone.
Yes.
That doesn't make you look too good.
IReally can't argue with that.
Ohh, my Catfish -- it's broken.
You two are personally responsible for replacing that equipment.
And Good work.
Thank you, Chief.
Yeah.
Hey, hey, are you the guy that tried to kill me? What did I ever do to you, huh? Try returning a phone call every now and then! Hey, what are you doing?! Get over here! Consider the damage to my reputation.
Hey, you took one for the team, okay? Look, look -- how -- how does this make me look? Commander, if you can't put a positive spin on our arresting a murderer, I got to wonder if it might be time for you to move on.
Unh-unh.
No, no.
No.
I can live with this.
Are you kidding me? Why wouldn't I think it? You lied to me about how much you were getting paid, you wrecked my car, you got me suspended, and you made me spend a day and night with the worst person on earth! But we didn't take a bribe.
Yeah, and after we fix your car and pay for the motel and, uh, replace Flynn's suit and repair the Catfish, we'll have $600.
That's 200 bucks apiece, huh? Oh, okay, all right.
Before you say anything, I want you to know that my showing up at that motel had nothing to do with my planning to kill Steven Hirschbaum, and I have no idea who shot that other guy.
Ballistics matched your gun to the bullets taken from the victim.
I lent that gun to a friend.
Yeah, but we also found the victim's blood on your car seat, door handle, and on a handkerchief in your office.
I suppose all this makes me the criminal here? Well, sir, you did kill somebody.
An actor! Okay, all right, I will admit that there is no excuse for not killing the right person.
I mean, that's like failing murder 101.
But I never intended to kill that other guy.
Intent travels with the bullet, sir.
If you meant to kill Mr.
Hirschbaum, the fact that you only killed Scott Esposito is immaterial in the eyes of the law.
Really? Uh, did you actually go to law school? Yes, I went to law school -- the very best the Caribbean had to offer, which is why I can assure you that every day Hirschbaum is alive is another day his victims aren't getting their money.
Poke holes in that.
Go on.
Go on.
Poke holes.
You can't, because everything I have done up until now has been completely legal -- you know, except for the murder.
And breaking my taillight.
I'm not just arresting you for murder.
I'm arresting you so your clients can get better representation.
Okay, I know that killing an embezzler or even an actor should never have been plan "A," but I never would have done any of this if it weren't for the fact that I am absolutely, totally dead broke.
What?! And the money you were paying to have Mr.
Hirschbaum served? I don't have it.
I never did.
A-and now I -- I never will.
How does a job that's supposed to net us four grand wind up costing us four grand? What you call that -- Provenza-nomics? Oh, as usual -- lieutenants, Chief Pope and I were just discussing the good news.
Yeah? What's that? Turns out there's a reward for information leading to the recovery of the Hirschbaum pension funds -- $10,000.
We're rich.
The only hitch is, if you were working as law enforcement at the time of uncovering the money, you can't collect.
Well, that's perfect because we were off-duty.
Ah.
Well, then you'll just have to explain to professional standards why you were using police equipment while off-duty to perform a warrantless search.
So, that means That means you can either accept the reward and resign, or you can decline it and keep your jobs.
Well, now -- Hey, I-I'm not a police officer.
That's right.
He's not.
But how was he instrumental in uncovering the funds? Oh, uh, well -- I bought the cellphone that Hirschbaum used to reveal his illegal millions.
There you go.
That's good enough for me.
Hey, Buzz, wait.
We'll help you fill out that form.
Yeah.
Yeah, you do understand what this means, right? Yes -- I'm rich.
No, you're splitting it three ways.
Fine.
We can each have 1/3.
$200.