The Conners (2018) s07e03 Episode Script

1
So, Neville, would you like to pretend
you're not wearing a child's jacket,
or do you want to be held accountable?
Come on, Dad.
He's just trying to fit in.
All the girls in fifth grade have one.
This is the jacket for my new job
as a vet at the Kane County Zoo.
And I came here straight from work,
so I didn't have time to change.
Yeah, we all know
that it does take a while
to take off a jacket.
Well, I am proud, okay?
ALL: Ooh.
Ahh.
Whoo!
When I roll up to the show,
I am the go-to doctor
for Pauline the Polar Bear.
And as his wife, I got a private tour
and a free bucket of fish to throw.
Pauline is not just any bear.
She is a star.
She's got 200,000 followers.
And I'm one of 'em.
Oh, just be careful
when you go online
to search for "the bears."
There's a lot
of different kinds of bears.
So, um, I have some job news of my own.
With Neville spending more and more time
at the zoo and the clinic,
I've decided that
there's something
that I would like to do.
- What is it you wanna do?
- Well, the Lanford PD
is rehiring ex-cops
to deal with the shortage,
and I'm gonna apply.
So I'm gonna be a cop again!
Mm, who wants to go first?
I mean, I've got stuff,
but I just want some time
to sort it out.
No, come on, everybody.
Isn't this exciting?
I would join this conversation,
but I was sworn to secrecy,
so I kept my opinion that this
is the most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard to myself,
and I intend to keep it to myself.
I assume you're talking
about a desk job, right?
No, no. I wanna to be out in the field.
The last time you were in the field,
you had to leave the force
because you shot yourself in the leg.
Or as we like to call it,
the dishonorable discharge.
It happens a lot.
Otherwise, you wouldn't
have the expression
"shoot yourself in the leg."
It's "shoot yourself in the foot."
It's leg in Europe.
Look, if there's anything I've learned
from watching my 96-year-old mother
take a train across this great land,
it's that we have to never stop
challenging ourselves.
Then pick up the mandolin!
Don't endanger everyone
in the community.
I'm not endangering anybody.
And the force doesn't have
a specific age limit.
So if they think it's safe,
then I think it's safe.
I think we should talk
about this at home.
It's it's dangerous.
Oh, you think working with lions
and polar bears isn't dangerous?
The guy you're replacing has
a plaque on the ground
next to the churro stand.
You know, I knew the family
would go to town on this,
but I've always supported you
in everything.
Why can't you support me?
Ooh.
I'd be careful, Neville.
When she gets mad, she goes
after what you love most.
Well, that's not gonna happen,
because she's what I love most.
But if you could hold onto this jacket
just for a day or two,
I'd really appreciate it.
7x03 - Applications, Accusations
and a Man-Bag
[bluesy rock music]
♪
Okay. We're here, Dad.
What do you need?
My lawyer asked me
to fill out these forms
for my lawsuit against
the opioid company,
and I need you guys to help me
remember the details.
We have to prove that her overdose was
entirely the fault of the drug company,
and none of us could have done
anything to prevent it.
Okay.
Um, they wanna know when Mom got
her first prescription for pain pills.
- Uh
- Oh. Well, I know
it was a Monday in mid-September.
I remember I was working at the casino
in that skimpy outfit.
I had just gotten my ass grabbed
for the first time.
Then I came home.
I caught Harris shoplifting.
And Mark had just gotten
beaten up at school again
for wearing a dress.
And then I was telling Mom about it,
and she said, "I'm not sure
of anything you're saying
because I've just taken
my first pain pill."
Uh, it was the 14th.
It was September 14th.
Definitely, definitely September 14th.
How in the hell did you
remember all that?
Well, I might be a little Rain Man-y.
A lot of girls don't
get tested for that.
Okay. When did the doctor cut her off
and she had to start
getting pills from friends?
The doctor never cut her off.
He kept upping her dosage
because she kept complaining
that it wasn't stopping the pain.
Then I found the extra pills
that she was getting from her friends.
Yeah, that's also when
we found out she had friends.
I knew she had friends.
I just didn't know
they were swapping pills
like a bunch of San Francisco hippies.
But you knew she was
doing it at some point.
Yeah.
But after the surgery,
I thought she was done with all that.
It would have seemed
that way to anybody.
Uh, I gotta go to work.
Dad, you spin things however you need
to make it sound like that.
[bluesy harmonica music]
Hey, Mom.
♪
Hey.
You know, since you're always
working late at your new job,
why don't I drop by tonight,
see where you work,
and you can take me out to dinner?
I'd love to,
but we're really up against it.
And there's only fancy
restaurants around there.
Sorry.
I can do fancy.
I bought an extra long flannel
that I can just belt like a dress.
Uh, I don't think so.
Okay, how about lunch?
I'll let you know when things let up.
Oh, wait.
I got you those
Jingle Jangle Pretzel Twists
that you wanted from Trader Joe's.
It's okay, Mom.
I can pack my own backpack.
Oh, no, you're too important now.
You gotta get used to letting
people do things for you.
Where'd you get this?
Balenciaga
that's super expensive, right?
Some of the corporate guys at the office
were teasing me about
my Old Navy backpack.
I was just trying to get one nice thing
so they'd get off my back.
Holy crap.
That little bag is $1,300.
I hope there was $1,200
in there when you bought it.
It's it's not even real.
I bought it in the alley
behind the 7-Eleven.
If you look closer,
it says "Balencigaga."
Oh, 7-Eleven.
That's where people get
all their fashion knockoffs?
Can we go there tomorrow?
I'd like to get a pair
of counterfeit Skechers.
Nobody makes counterfeit Skechers.
A knockoff will be almost the same price
as the real thing.
Oh, almost.
Well, excuse me, Mr. One Percenter.
Okay, Mom, I really gotta go.
Yeah, I bet you do.
♪
[bluesy harmonica music]
Harris and I were really surprised
you came down to pitch in.
She says it's 'cause you really care.
And I bet her five bucks it's 'cause
you're still fighting with Neville.
Well, Becky, sometimes in a marriage,
the mature thing to do
is separate and cool off
and throw his favorite giraffe
figurine into the fireplace.
Hey, can we talk?
We have some stuff to work out,
but I think you should talk
to your wife first.
Yes, Neville, we can,
but just for a second,
- because it's really busy in here.
- Okay.
I have been thinking about things,
and it's not fair to ask you
to forget about being a cop
if I'm gonna be spending
all that time at the zoo,
which I agree also has
an element of danger.
Thank you.
So here's the deal.
I'll quit the job at the zoo,
and you forget about
the whole cop thing.
I can't believe
you would give that up for me.
- That's who I am.
- Well, that's what I love about you,
and you should do that.
But I'm still gonna be a cop.
Wait, that's not how this works.
I give up the thing
I love more than anything,
and you give up the thing that
flew into your mind yesterday.
And we both lose and are unhappy.
That's what makes a marriage.
It didn't just fly
into my mind yesterday.
You know I'm always talking
about what it was like
being a cop and how much I miss it.
Well, you gotta compromise, damn it.
I mean, forget about the field.
You could actually die
during the physical.
I'm in great shape.
Do I need to prove it?
[ripping]
Wow, that was weird and impressive.
Now, what if the menu had
just robbed a bank
and said, "I'd rather die
than go back to the joint"?
Okay, that's enough.
I'm sorry. Excu
sir, you're causing a disturbance
at this place of business,
and I'm gonna have to ask you to leave!
Fine, but you owe me
a beautifully carved
porcelain figurine
of a giraffe wearing a top hat!
The monocle was painted on.
I did that myself.
[bluesy harmonica music]
♪
Oh, hey.
- Mind if I join you?
- Sure.
Just sitting here all alone.
Uh
My, uh, barfly buddy left early
to go to couples' therapy.
He likes to go in a little drunk
so he has an excuse when he says
horrible things about his wife.
[laughs] I get it.
I mean, that's why I'm here.
Jackie won't even talk to me.
I can't believe she didn't tell me
she was thinking about
being a cop again.
Sorry, what?
Are you are you okay?
You look like something's
got you in a dark place.
Oh, how can you tell?
Are you sure it's not just
my normal resting Darlene face?
Oh. [laughs]
No, resting Darlene face
looks like this.
Okay, now watch the difference.
Yeah. Yeah, I see it.
- It's subtle.
- Yeah.
So what's going on?
It's Mark.
He's acting really weird,
and secretive about where he works,
and then he's out all night.
And I don't even have Ben around
to try to help me deal with it.
I'm here.
Keep going.
All right. Well, this morning,
I found a Balenciaga man purse
in his backpack.
That is weird. [scoffs]
You don't hide
a Balenciaga bag, you rock it.
Those things go for, like,
$1,500 on The RealReal.
How do you know that?
You don't know everything about me.
Just 'cause I'm a down-to-earth guy
doesn't mean I didn't intern
for Anna Wintour.
But look, Mark is saving up for school.
He can't afford something like that.
Well, maybe somebody bought it for him.
Who would buy Mark
something that expensive?
I don't know.
I mean, maybe somebody with the means
to shower a young man
with gifts, you know?
Like a sugar daddy.
Whoa.
You know, my mom always said
that if we worked hard
and had bigger boobs,
we could get one someday.
But without a sugar daddy,
how are we gonna get bigger boobs?
It was a circle we just could not close.
Do you really think
that's a possibility?
I mean, he's a cute young guy
who needs help with college.
He's a vulnerable target
for some old letch
with impeccable taste in designer bags.
Oh, man.
Well, if I've got a 65-year-old
son-in-law coming,
I should know about it.
- I gotta talk to him.
- Aw.
That's so cute you think
they're gonna get married.
[bluesy harmonica music]
Oh.
I didn't see your truck.
I figured you weren't home.
It's in the shop.
Forgot my fancy water bottle.
I didn't peg you for
a zebra print Yeti kind of gal.
I like quality things, and I'm fun!
Okay, neither of those things are true,
but they are for whoever
left this at The Lunch Box.
Uh, hey.
Uh, well, I know
I'm gonna regret asking this,
but what did you mean
when you said "spin it"
about whose fault
your mother's death was?
Look, I know addiction is complicated,
but there had to be a moment
where someone could have done something
to stop the worst from happening.
And what could that someone have done?
Maybe realize that
if someone had an addiction
before surgery, they would
still have one after?
She told me once her knee was fixed,
she was done with them.
And you believed that?
Just come out and say
whatever the hell you're gonna say.
Okay.
You were with her all day and all night.
How could you not see that
she was still on something?
Sometimes we want things to go away
so we don't have to deal with them.
Wait, where were you during all this?
Oh, that's right.
You were too busy
with your own addiction
to notice what was going on
with your mother.
Sometimes we just want things to go away
so we don't have to deal with them.
She was your wife.
She was your mother.
Keep your own side of the street clean
before you accuse other people.
I knew you wouldn't be open
to talking about this.
I'm way open to talking about it.
I'm not open to being accused.
And by the way, your water jug
may smell like beer.
- Why is that?
- I went for a walk,
and it's important to stay hydrated.
There.
Now if anything happens to me,
you can tell everybody
you saw the signs.
♪
[bluesy harmonica music]
Oh, hey! Hi.
Hey! Hi. We met at The Lobo.
Oh. Yeah.
You're that crazy old woman
who wants to be a cop.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Not trying to bother you.
And it's not like
I'm trying to be a cop.
I already applied.
And now since you're here,
I could really use a favor.
Well, with everything
you've done for me,
how could I say no?
Great! Okay.
So my husband is trying to stop me
from going back on the force
because he's afraid I'm gonna get hurt,
and he's gonna be here any minute now.
So I was just thinking,
maybe you could talk to him
and tell him how the job
isn't all that dangerous.
You know, like in Lanford,
some cops can go their entire careers
without pulling their guns.
So what I'm hearing is,
if you don't get your husband's support,
you don't end up on the force?
Yeah.
I'd be happy to help.
Okay! [laughs]
That's sisters in blue
helping each other out.
[laughs]
Hey, lunch is on me.
And here he is now.
Honey, honey, come here a minute.
There's somebody I want you to meet.
So this is my very good friend
um, Binkowski.
[laughs]
It's nice to meet you,
Officer Binkowski.
- Nice to meet you.
- Anyway, Sarge here was just
going on about another boring shift,
and then that got us to talking
about how you might have
the wrong idea about how
dangerous the job really is.
Mostly, you know,
it's a lot of community relations stuff.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
Community relations
when you're right in the middle
of the community trying
to take down some coked-up wife
chasing her cheating husband
into a Forever 21 with a crossbow.
- Good Lord.
- Good Lord.
But there are ways for you
to deal with the stress.
Whenever I leave the house,
my husband takes his anxiety
meds with a fifth of scotch.
Anyway, I gotta go.
It was nice to meet you.
Yeah, you're buying
your own damn lunch, Sarge.
Oh, it was worth it.
Why is this so important to you
that you won't let it go?
Just give me one good reason
why I should be okay with this.
Okay, I have two reasons right there.
These two come in every day,
and they don't say a word to each other.
And then last week, I was on a break.
I was eating soup, and I was
watching them eat soup.
And I'm thinking to myself, my God,
that could be me and Neville
if we give up leading
interesting, challenging lives.
Well, does interesting and challenging
have to involve coke and a crossbow?
No, but a little bit of danger,
you know, keeps us alive and excited
about sharing things with each other.
That's what I want for us.
And also,
after I shot myself in the leg,
I lost respect from all
the other officers there.
And man, I would really love
to rewrite that.
[sighs] Okay.
I get it.
Go be a cop.
I'm gonna go get us
something sweet to celebrate.
Ah, it won't be as sweet as you.
Well, I hope you're happy.
You may have just killed my wife.
[bluesy harmonica music]
Hey, Mark.
I need to talk to you.
It'll have to wait.
I really need to go do
some stuff for work.
Uh, no, it's important.
So what's the old geezer's name?
Did you meet him having coffee
at McDonald's at 5:00 AM
or pulling up in his Bentley
to the dialysis center?
Uh, I'm scared. Did you have a stroke?
[phone dings]
Don't go anywhere.
Aunt Jackie keeps texting me.
She says it's urgent, so
[sighs]
Man, she didn't even give me a week.
A week for what?
What's going on, Mark?
Aunt Jackie found out
I'm making money illegally
by hacking corporate computer data.
And she said she was gonna tell you
or turn me in if I didn't stop.
What? Wait, you're a hacker?
I knew you didn't want me
to come to your work.
Yeah, yeah, but I'm just
hacking email lists.
I lied about it because
I didn't want you to worry.
Oh, you know, what would I worry about?
Are you out of your damn mind?
It was the only way
to make enough to afford
the University of Chicago
and not burden the family.
Really pretty considerate,
if you ask me.
- You're welcome.
- [scoffs]
Do you think this is, like, a joke?
There are so many other things
you could have done.
You could have dated a rich old guy.
I would have been fine with that.
That would have been great to know
before I did the hacking.
Look, you have to stop.
It's against the law.
Yeah, I'll quit as soon as
I make enough tuition money.
But for now, it's what I've got to do.
Okay, what is happening with you?
You took somebody else's ADHD meds.
The police brought you back drunk after
you ditched a scooter in a pond.
And now this?
Do you understand that
if you get arrested,
you could go to prison?
And then you can forget
about school or anything else.
All right? It's got to stop.
That's it.
Or what?
[scoffs]
Or you can't live here!
You're making me leave.
Fine.
Harris left. You chased Dad away.
I guess it's just my turn.
[bluesy harmonica music]
♪
Hey.
What's that supposed to mean?
I don't know. Hi?
I just came from a 12-step meeting,
and I realized I need
to make amends for something.
I'm waiting.
I never made amends
for chipping your bowling ball
when I was 10.
[chuckles]
Darlene said I couldn't
dribble it down the driveway.
That's okay.
I appreciate that.
Anything else?
We were talking
at the meeting about guilt
and responsibility.
I shouldn't have blamed you
for Mom's death.
I'm sorry.
I think I did it because, like you said,
if I hadn't been drinking,
I think I could have helped her.
You couldn't have helped her.
I'm sorry.
I just said that 'cause I was mad.
But we're never gonna lose the feeling
that we could have done more.
I just couldn't believe
that someone as strong as her
- couldn't beat it.
- Mm.
If those bastards
could have made the pills
taste like broccoli,
she'd still be alive today.
[laughs]
I'm gonna go make amends.
You wanna come with me to the gravesite?
Oh, sure.
Hey, can you wait till tonight?
I like to steal flowers for her
from the rich people's graves.
[laughs]
Hey, is Mark here?
No. Why?
'Cause I threatened
to kick him out of the house
yesterday, and he left.
He's probably fine.
I'm sure he just wants you
to worry for a while.
You kids used to put us
through that all the time.
Well, if you were worried,
how come you never looked for us?
We left the door unlocked.
It's not like we weren't trying.
♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, I'll have a burger, plain,
fries, and a side of ranch.
Oh, you like ranch on your fries?
- Yeah.
- [laughs]
You know, I don't think
we've ever talked before.
You're right. [laughs]
We probably have
a million things in common.
Yeah.
[both chuckling]
Why don't you just make it to-go?
Oh. Wait in your car.
I'll have the busboy
bring it out to you.
Thanks.
[child giggles]