The League s07e03 Episode Script

College football is fine, but, next week, the NFL finally begins.
Praise Shiva! And we can be watching the games right here in Casa de Ruxin because Baby Geoffrey and Sofia are in Puerto Rico, which means I have the illest, chillest, most maxed-out to the relaxin' bachelor pad in the history of football, bros.
I would like to throw my oxblood fedora into the ring.
If you guys want to watch a great game at a place that is on fleek, you need to come to my new condo.
Meegan and I would love to have you.
Yeah.
How do you feel about that, Pete? You want to go watch the games at Andre's? The NFL season is upon us.
Don't have time to hate.
Andre can't be in love with Meegan and Shiva at the same time.
So let bygones be bygones.
Thank you.
That's the chill atmosphere that we create at Casa de Ruxin.
Ow! That was my toe! Ow.
Oh, God.
Oh! Why do you always Oh! I'm sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
Good job.
Good job.
Hello? Rodney, we talked about this.
Be respectful of the house.
We're taking great care of the house, I promise.
And, uh, we're having a nice time.
A very chill time.
Respect your body, too.
Stay away from the chips.
Eat those carrot sticks I got you.
Oh, um, these are carrots.
It just looks like Doritos from the angle.
Keep the house clean.
Love you.
Love you.
Bye.
What angle? It's this, like, very chill thing that we did.
With Sofia being away, she wanted to make sure that all the security in the house was good, so she put some cameras up.
- Nanny cam kind of things.
- What? You're on, like, Big Brother without the sloppy sex and the racism.
Yeah.
It's pretty fun.
Oh.
Hey, babe.
Rodney, tell your friends to keep their feet off the coffee table.
Take your feet off the coffee table.
But, like, in a chill way, right? And the coasters are there for a reason.
Use 'em.
Oh, of course we're using the coasters.
Put the coaster What? And I'm seeing a lot of junk food.
That's a lot of sodium.
We're using the healthy stuff now.
No, no, getting rid No, I'm not done.
of the bad snacks.
I'm not done.
Uh-uh.
We're all good.
And Let me have 'em.
Don't What was that? That was the next door neighbor's dog, but don't worry.
I just Tasered him.
He's dead.
Okay.
I love you, babe.
I love you, too.
I'm watching you.
Mwah, mwah.
Bye-bye.
Very chill, very relaxed, bro'd-out vibe.
Hmm! Babe? Yeah.
Lookie what I found.
Huh? This is gonna look really good on you.
I want to see you in this and nothing else.
Daddy like.
That's great, Daddy.
But that's your daughter's.
What? That's Ellie's bra.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, why didn't you tell me about bras? You told me you didn't want to know.
I want to know before I imagine taking it off.
Dad? What are you doing? Oh we were just saying how pretty this is gonna look on you.
It's your nice color.
No! Honey, we're just happy you're developing.
You're disgusting! Don't make it weird! Yeah.
She made it weird.
Do you think we'll go to therapy together or separate sessions? Probably both.
I got big news, guys.
Follow me.
Introducing EBDB Prime.
I signed you guys all up for it.
Great.
What is it? Well, with EBDB Prime, you have access to exclusive content.
Like your sex tapes? No.
Everyone has access to those.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
"Oh, this is gonna be so much dollars.
" Not true.
It's only a couple extra bucks that I take out of your wallet every month on top of your EBDB membership.
Babe, how can we turn down this bargain robbery? And on top of it, you get shipping benefits.
Ooh.
Mmm.
If you order through EBDB Prime, you can get a bra or a female condom for Ellie by tw No.
Nope.
Stop it.
Get out.
Get this thing out of here.
I was leaving anyway.
Where you goin'? Kitchen.
That is the second hat closet.
And now welcome to the nature preserve.
Andre, they're all dead.
Well, that's the only way he can get anything to live with him.
And, guys, I think you're really gonna like this.
Are you going my way? What does that thing run on, Dave Navarro's pubic lice? No.
He's completely shaved.
And now, gentlemen, I introduce you to the cathedral, where we'll be watching football every weekend of the 2015 season.
Holy shit.
That's a huge projection screen, Andre.
Oh, no, no-- that's a large white canvas.
It's an art installation.
- Oh, shit.
- That stinks! Well, everybody, let me give you a good old taste of what we have in store this Sunday.
Football's back at DraftKings.
com You guys ever interested in trying out Draft Kings? No, no, no.
I got to keep all my focus on one league.
I agree with Kevin.
I mean, there's something about the loyalty to one's league.
It's the simplest way of winning - life-changing piles of cash.
- See, to me, the allure is, like, you're just going week to week without any commitment.
You drop in, you drop out.
Yeah, it sounds perfect for you.
While the rest of us have shown a proclivity for commitment, you're like the Draft Kings of relationships.
- You're in one week and then out the next.
- Pete, you're missing out on the wonderful world of commitment.
I mean, trust me, you don't know what I have.
He's had what you have.
Tell you what, why don't you and I check in at the end of the season and we'll see who's happier.
Ooh, I'll take that bet.
Pinky swear? I will not touch your pinky, but I will take the bet.
All right.
Andre, your place is ridiculous.
Thank you.
But don't you think we would just be more comfortable watching the games back at our place? I thought you guys said you were sick of us being there.
We are.
Absolutely.
We are.
We are.
We are.
It's just so much easier.
We don't have to get a babysitter.
Get an Uber home.
You don't have to get a babysitter.
I mean, Ellie's, like, all grown up-- I mean, have you seen her? Of course we've seen her.
She's our daughter, dum-dum.
She's, like, allYou know, she's What? What does she have? What is all that? What does that mean? I mean, she's, like, developing and she's all there.
She's She's developing? Excuse me? Uh, you're putting words in my mouth.
Disgusting, Andre.
I'm just saying that she It's natural.
She's got the No, no, no, no, no, no.
You talking about this is incredibly unnatural.
I'm not saying I want to get with her.
I mean, I already have a girlfriend.
Oh, you know what, okay Oh, okay! What? Andre! Guys, come on.
You're the worst.
Good-bye.
What are you doing? Where are you going? Guys, what was I supposed to say, that I do want to have sex with her? That seems worse! Great.
I'll take my golf clubs back, please.
No, I took those as payment for your EBDB Prime account.
I d I don't have an EBDB Prime account.
You have an EBDB Prime account.
I Then cancel it.
I don't want it anymore.
If you want to cancel, you're gonna need to log on.
What's your password? Just give me back my golf clubs.
If you can't remember your password, we're gonna have to start the retrieval process.
Oh, my God.
Can you read these letters to me, sir? No, I can't.
This is nothing, Taco.
Gupta wrote those down.
I think they're in Sanskrit.
He also drinks, so I can't be sure.
I'm gonna put you on hold, sir.
No, no, no! Taco! Thank you for holding, sir.
I'm Taco with Customer Service.
How's your day going today? Shitty! Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Let's go ahead and reset your account, sir.
I'm gonna send you a security code, and I'm gonna need you to read it back to me.
You should be receiving it right now.
"U-8-7-E "pooping elephant 497 penis.
" Smiley face.
That is correct, sir.
Now that we've confirmed your identity, I'm gonna need you to enter a new password.
you! You're gonna need a different one.
Ruxin's using that.
Oh, go yourself.
That's Andre's.
So, what's going on in the, uh, police state of Big Brother Ruxin house? Pretty sweet.
I did a little research, found myself a blind spot.
Okay.
In.
Where is there a blind spot? In.
Out.
It's behind the couch, it's away from the cameras, and I am living a life of great freedom and luxury.
The blind spot.
Wait Isn't that Rafi's old pee corner? Don't care.
Hey, Kev, can I talk to you for a sec? Yeah.
Sure.
Hey.
Yeah? I can't get in on your computer.
Did you change your password? No.
Taco made me change my password for that stupid EBDB Prime thing.
I don't know.
He probably changed it on all my devices.
I'll-I'll put it in.
All right, well, can I get your new one? Mm yeah, I'll-I'll just I'm gonna throw it in.
Just give me yourWhat-what are you doing? What? Just give me give me your password.
No.
Babe, I'll Kevin No.
You know what? No.
We're at the start of a new season.
I want to create some boundaries.
You have your team on your computer with your password, and I have my team on my computer with my password.
- Wow.
- Okay? Jets and the Giants don't trade playbooks.
They know Belichick will steal them both.
Is that really what it is, Kevin? Babe, I It's not like I'm doing anything wrong.
- Your voice is going so high.
- Wrong.
Wro wrong! Wrong.
Nudie mags! Oh, vodka, too! Oh, hello, whipped cream, and, you, my Ding Dongs.
Let me check on Rodney.
Hmm? Nobody's home.
Ding Dongs, whipped cream, Ding Dongs, whipped cream Ding Dongs, whipped cream, Ding Dongs, whipped cream! In my blind spot! In my blind spot! I've got Ding Dongs and whipped cream! Mmm! Whipped cream appetizer.
A little bounce test main course.
Maybe a little whipped cream for dessert.
Oh, dick, I'm giving you a treat.
Oh, little Rodney.
Oh, bounce test.
Oh, blind spot.
Oh, freedom! Vinegar strokes forever! Whipped cream! Goddamn it, I'm alive! Hello, Taco.
Can I please have our new EBDB Prime password? Ah.
Password retrieval.
- Yes.
- Well, I'm gonna have to ask you a few security questions.
Great.
Hit me.
All right.
What year did Kevin lose interest in you sexually? Never.
He It hasn't happened.
That is incorrect.
Who did Kevin really want to marry? Ugh! You know what, Taco? Just No, no, no, no.
No, only authorized personnel back here.
You can't just I Shh.
Okay, we are in here somewhere.
Thank you.
Kevin's password is "Dick Chicken?" Uh-huh.
Ooh.
Does that have to do with me? Don't flatter yourself.
How is that flattering, Taco? It's some stupid thing that Pete used to do in high school.
I'm sorry? Look, dick chicken is when two guys pull out their dicks, charge towards each other, and Ew! What?! Hey, while you're here, can I sign you up for EBDB Prime Fresh Direct? I deliver you food from your own fridge in minutes.
Football is back, thank goodness! Yeah! I can't believe that Tom Brady's playing.
I mean, the guy destroyed his cell phone.
I love Brady.
He's just like, "No.
"I cheat.
I don't give a.
"I'm better-looking than you, I got a better life.
Suck it.
" Yeah, I mean, it's exciting Brady's playing, but look who's reffing.
It's Bill Vinovich.
He ran Super Bowl 49, the best.
No one cares.
No one cares about a ref? No.
Ooh.
Ruxin, check this out.
Markus Wheaton putting up a big old goose egg.
Bam! It's over, bae.
Let's just see how the second half of the first quarter goes.
Goose Egg.
All right.
Did you just lay an egg? Yeah.
Give up.
Uh, anyone else have someone playing tonight? Yeah.
I got Julian Edelman.
Ah.
- Julian Edelman? - Oh, that's right.
Yeah.
I forgot about your shit storm of a line up.
I have never seen a weaker receiving core.
What? Edelman's gonna do great.
Your number one receiver is a slot receiver.
Yeah.
Are you slot-shaming me right now? I'm just saying, if you send your line-up out looking like that, I mean, you got to take what you get.
I'm proud of my team.
Sure.
They're gonna be great.
- Sure.
- Hey, what is this? - Hi.
- See, this is why I hate watching the games at the bar.
This place has zero chill, but you know who has mega chill vibes? My place.
Let's bro out, chill down, - and do it to the top.
- No.
We got to do it city-style.
My house.
I made a new recipe of hummus.
- It's great - No! - No.
- No, no, no.
No, no, no.
We're having it at our place, okay.
Look, you can't just determine it.
We need an impartial judge to figure out where it should be.
God, where you gonna find that? That's really hard to Oh! It's almost like you need like a Yes, a ref.
Just A ref! Where would we find one of those, and who would care if we found one anyway? Oh, this is hard.
You just ref this.
You're a ref.
Please make a decision for us.
Well okay.
Tell you what: I'm gonna go get myself a beer and think on it.
Well, I'll buy you one.
Uh-uh.
The ref cannot be bought, my friend.
You know what? A beer actually sounds wonderful.
Awesome.
I will take a Hey, I'll take another one, please.
Peter.
Hi.
I am just so happy that you have really found your way in the world, and you love this reffing so much.
I'm just Jenny, flattery-- like a plunging neckline-- does not really suit you.
Can I do something for you? Well, if you choose to let us watch the games at our place, I won't slaughter you on the message boards by telling everyone that you used to play dick chicken.
Oh, my God, you finally found out that I used to play dick chicken.
Yes, I did.
With Kevin.
What? What? You didn't know? - No.
- Who did you think I was playing dick chicken with? Yourself! No, it takes two dicks to chicken, lady.
I don't What did you think the game was? You just running around like a chicken with your head cut off, yelling, "Dick!" It's not that.
Kevin! Thank you.
You were the other half of dick chicken?! What? You, Pete.
It's anatomically generous.
No, it was just kids being kids, playing stupid games.
Aah! Whamming your dicks together? Ah, don't worry, it's just kids and dicks.
You're making a big deal out of if.
Well, folks, clearly, we're gonna see the games at Kevin and Jenny's.
It is decided.
Oh! Ow! Do you always carry that whistle with you? Yeah, I'm a ref.
Just, enough with the stupid refereeing, Pete.
It's lame and no one cares.
What did you What How What did you say? It's what? It's lame! Stop it! Stop.
Unsportsmanlike! Unsportsmanlike! Excuse me, is anyone here a ref? I heard a whistle.
I am.
- Unbelievable.
- You are? Yeah.
We are having an argument over there over that last play.
- Yeah.
- Can you please explain to me why that wasn't holding? I can.
Come on, come with me.
What do you know about offensive line play? I could use a little refresher.
Okay, all right.
Give me your hands.
Stick 'em right here.
Okay.
Go ahead.
All right, see, any time you're inside the pits, this is totally legal, okay? Inside the pits? Yeah, inside the pit area.
Okay.
But there are other places you can put your hands which are highly illegal.
Oh, well, we could probably work our way up to that.
Yeah, maybe we could.
I'm Livi.
I'm Pete.
Nice to meet you.
Total slut.
Her? No, him.
So you're not coming over until you're done tinkering, which is, basically, never.
You got part of that right.
I got the crudités on camera and in the blind spot I got all my little snackies.
We got a new backyard patio set.
Uh, no, thank you.
I'm gonna wallow here in week one like a frat pledge in his own sick.
All right, well, we won't miss you.
Bye.
All right, lineups are locked.
Let's see what the Lady MacArthurs have in store for me here.
I'm feeling good, Peter.
We got Julian Edelman, slot.
Randall Cobb, slot.
Percy Harvin, slot.
Wow! This may be the slottiest lineup I've ever seen.
It's, like, just riddled with tramp stamps and Goldschlager.
Hey, just take it easy, Dick Chicken.
I'm sorry, you talking to me or you talking to your husband? Okay, 'cause at least I won.
What? Excuse me? Excuse you.
You did not win.
Uh, I did win.
You chickened out.
Are you kidding me? I went towards you and I slipped, for a second.
Oh, that's what people who chicken out say-- they say, "I slipped.
" No.
Just take me back a sec.
Did you guys get hard before playing dick chicken? Yeah.
No.
What Well, I mean, it depends who has home-field advantage.
The game was, it was like a American League-National League thing.
It was the same game, just different rules.
Whatever.
Yeah, it-it's hard Yes, yes, yes! Look at this! Here we go! Here we go.
Week one, and we are back.
Hey.
Kevin Uh you sat on the remote, dude.
Nope.
It's right over here.
Well, turn it on.
I am turning it on.
Kevin Wait.
Oh, no.
I'm putting it on.
Oh, no, oh, no, hold on.
Hold on, relax.
What did you do? I don't I didn't do anything.
I told you-- get an A/V guy.
I Guys, guys, guys.
TV's out in here, too.
What? What? Oh, my God.
Taco, why is the DirecTV out? You're welcome.
I canceled your DirecTV, since EBDB Prime is now your primary content provider.
No, it is not.
What? Fear not.
We are creating our own exclusive, cutting-edge content-- check this out.
You guys are gonna like this.
Hi, there.
I'm Taco.
And I'm making tacos.
Taco tacos.
And this is Taco Making Tacos.
I'm making tacos.
Oh, who's making tacos? Taco's making tacos, tacos here Tacos there Guys, kitchen TV is out, too.
Oh, goddamn it.
Taco, listen to me, I canceled that stupid EBDB Prime.
No, you did not.
You changed your password, but you forgot to log on to cancel the service.
Oh, you know what, Taco? Your service is canceled.
Your attic slumber parties-- canceled.
Toilets-- canceled.
What about the side yard by the chimney? Oop! Canceled! Kevin, just call the babysitter.
Let's get out of this shithole.
Let's go.
Guys, what are we gonna do? We got to figure something out! Get to the car, we'll decide there! People ask me if the food taco is named after me, Taco.
Well, what they don't know is that my real name is not Taco.
It's actually - Oh, come on.
- Where is he? Oh, thank God.
Come on Ah, ah, ah, ah! Let us in.
Their Sunday Ticket's out.
By the time we get to a sports bar, there'll be no more seats left.
Ruxin, it's Bears-Packers! Fine, you can come in.
On one condition.
Thanks for the chill hangout, bro.
Real relax-fest.
I want nothing more than to bro down with my chill dudes and my gal pals, but no one is allowed to be here, so if you want to watch the rest of the Bears game, you will stand back there and you will respect the blind spot.
Fine.
Why is the floor all sticky back here, Ruxin? What else have you been doing? Everything under the sun.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, God.
What? Be careful which beer you drink, because I ran out of hand towels.
I don't trust him.
Okay, Mommy, I know that you don't trust him, pero, I do.
Mira, mira.
Too much with the footballs.
Too much with the friends.
Well, they're not there.
He's being a good boy.
Your taste is in the toilet.
That's where your taste is.
How is Randall Cobb doing? Oh, he is slotting it up and down the field like a Mormon girl at a non-Mormon university.
That's my boy.
Andre, what are you doing? Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
I heard everybody was watching the game.
Just Oh, come on.
Oh, God.
Now you're gonna have to cram in here with us.
Oh, no problem.
Ugh! God, what did you eat? Actually, something of my own recipe.
It's a salmon-flavored tempeh.
Okay, get out of here, get out of here.
Get out of here.
Do you know what? He's not our kind.
Oh, Mommy, please.
That's the problem.
I think he gave Papi the stroke.
How could you say that? I know it.
How's Sammy Watkins doing? I only have one bar.
Ooh, you guys corner-spotting? Oh, you know what, Taco, this is all your fault.
What? We're canceling the stupid EBDB Prime service, do you hear me? Here we are.
Okay, you're gonna have to log in to your account Oh, you know what, just stop.
Hey! Hey Don't push me.
Stop pushing.
Who's pushStop it! Somebody pushed me.
Stop acting like children-- Sofia's watching! Don't worry about it.
Just put this in front of the camera and she won't be able to tell.
I'm praying for Dad every day.
I know Lighting a candle when you take a bath is no prayer.
God is everywhere.
God is everywhere, but not in the bathtub.
Pull it out! Respect the blind spot! This is a chillaxing environment.
As long as you respect the blind spot you can hang out here, but it's got to be a chillaxing respectfully of the blind spot! Aw, see? Look at his sweet smile.
It's creepy.
He scare me.
Oh, great--Sammy Watkins shit the bed and now it looks like - I'm gonna lose to Russell.
- Yup.
Seabiscuit squirted out a victory and you got to watch it float away in the ocean.
Ugh Sorry you lost.
Like you lost at dick chicken.
Well, I wouldn't know, because I didn't lose at dick chicken.
Uh, you chickened out, so you lost.
No, I didn't chicken out, okay? Define "chickening out," 'cause it really could go either way.
Actually, define "winning" while you're at it, too.
Why don't you ask Kevin what winning is, 'cause it's what I did to him in dick chicken.
No, you did not win, okay? And if you think that you could win, I challenge you to a rematch.
No! I am so fine with that.
No! Me, too.
No head-to-head contact.
It could cause a concoction.
Oh, it's on.
- It's on like Dong Kong.
No! - No! I love it.
Look.
What the hell? Who are those people? What are they doing? Wh-What's going on? Stop, stop, stop! No, no, no! Guys, respect the blind spot.
You ready? - I'm ready.
- No.
Oh! Mom! Rodney's having a gay orgy.
Respect the blind spot! No! I can't look.
Don't worry, Ruxin, I got this.
Ay dios mio, look at the pee-pees.
Rodney! Oh, you didn't slip! You didn't slip! Oh, helmet-to-helmet contact! Oh, forever unclean.