The Office (US) s07e03 Episode Script

did sweeney Todd the demon barber of fleet street Did you write this? - No.
- Who did? - Stephen sondheim.
- Who is he? swing your razor wide, sweeney hold it to to the skies freely flows the blood of those who moralize What the hell is happening? We are the cast of sweeney Todd: The demon barber of fleet street.
We open in a couple of weeks at the loose screw playhouse, Here in Scranton, and today, just doing a wee bit of viral marketing, gov'nor! attend the tale of sweeney Todd ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh he served a dark and a vengeful God he served a dark and a vengeful God ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh what happens then, well, that's the play and he wouldn't want us to give it away not sweeney Todd the demon barber of fleet street Oh, that was amazing! That was awesome! I auditioned for this! When did the cast list go up? Like a month ago.
Really? They didn't call me! Who am I playing? Andy? Two comps for m'lady and her Gabe.
It's closing night.
Tomorrow we have to give the theater over To the Scranton's miss fitness pageant.
I am so excited, but I just need one.
Gabe can't come.
Sorry.
- What? - Yeah.
That's awful.
Everyone's gonna miss that guy.
Gabe is not coming, which is huge, Because my plan is to make Erin Fall back in love with me tonight.
Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes.
It's so powerful, even a lot of men Can't resist a man singing show tunes.
- Oh, who else is going? - Everyone.
Gabe seemed to think no one was going.
What kind of terrible rumor monger is Gabe? He is woefully ill informed, all right? Excuse me, Clink, clink, clink, clink, everybody.
You're all coming to my show tonight, right? Andy, what time's it start? - 8:00 P.
M.
Sharp.
- How long is it? - Hour, 45.
- No, I can't make it.
They say that no one can take your pride, But the people who cast Andy's play, They took mine.
Jim, Pam, you guys are in, right? Oh, we wanted to, But our sitter just fell through.
I'm really sorry.
Dwight? Uh, no, thank you.
Last time I went to the theater, A man dressed as a cat sat on my lap.
It would mean so much to me If you came to my show tonight.
I can't, Andy.
It's too hard.
That's I put everything I had into that audition.
Do you understand that? If it makes you feel any better, No one who auditioned for the part of sweeney Todd Got that part.
They had to bring in a ringer.
This guy's, like, world class.
You should not feel bad.
I'm asking you thespian to thespian.
Will you please be the bigger man And come to my show? I wish I could, Andy, But I can't.
I have plans that night.
I'm going to see a friend in a play called sweeney Todd.
You're that friend.
I'm going to see your play.
Noishe! And scene.
Listen, I would like you to take me to Andy's play tonight.
Please, waste of time.
You know what? Let's just knock this out right now.
Disrobe.
Angela? Don't like her anymore.
Not attracted to her anymore.
Just contractually obligated to make a baby with her.
Give me the punch card.
No.
If you want to punch the punch card, You have to take me to the show.
That is not in the contract.
Well, there's a lot of gray area in that clause.
Do you want to re-mediate? All right, fine! I'll go to your little show, But I'm not wearing a cape.
Thank you.
Dwight and I have a contractual agreement To procreate five times, plain and simple.
And should he develop feelings for me? Well, that would be permissible Under item 7c, clause 2, so I would not object.
Hey.
How are those salads? It's my own fault My parents used to scramble to find babysitters So they could take my little brother to do stuff.
I understand how hard it can be.
I just tonight, I mean, if you could We'll keep looking.
- Yes! - Really? I mean, who knows? Maybe I have a niece my family never told me about.
Oh, my gosh, that would be amazing.
- Yeah.
- For a lot of reasons.
Yeah, I know.
Neiche! Oh, hey, guys.
You brought balloons to a play? I did, because I am being the bigger man, And balloons are bigger than flowers.
It's nice, like up.
Yes.
Excuse me.
Are you the guy that did an entire law & order episode For his audition? Nope.
- Guys? - Hey! - Andy! - Hey! You all made it.
Thank you so much.
You should actually thank Erin.
She's the one who agreed to babysit.
She's babysitting? I really wanted to see Andy's play, Because he's so, so talented, But I've been trying to get in the babysitting game forever.
The 13-year-olds in this town Have a complete monopoly.
It's almost like a babysitters' club.
I understand.
This is like Huge opportunity for her.
This is ridiculous.
You'd think they'd discourage people From bringing in balloons.
Hey, I think this guy playing sweeney Todd is my plumber.
No, Darryl.
This guy's a world-class actor.
He doesn't daylight as your plumber.
No, it's my plumber.
Says so in his bio.
Apparently, the director discovered him doing karaoke.
It's his first play.
He didn't even audition.
Are you kidding me? If we don't listen to the overture, We won't recognize the musical themes When they come back later.
All right, I'm sorry.
God.
attend the tale of sweeney Todd his skin was pale and his eye was odd he shaved the faces of gentlemen who never thereafter were heard of again he trod the path that few have trod did sweeney Todd the demon barber of fleet street he kept a shop in london town Excuse me, I think you may be in the wrong seats.
of fancy clients and good renown what if none of their souls were saved they went to their maker impeccably shaved by sweeney by sweeney Todd the demon barber of fleet street I feel you johanna I feel you I was half convinced I waited I work with that guy.
satisfied enough to dream you happily I was mistaken johanna ugh! There's gum on the seat, And now it's on my work skirt.
I have to go change.
Too bad I'm not gonna explain anything that you miss.
Oh, Dwight, just move.
do they think that walls can hide you His name's Andy.
He's a terrible salesman.
I am in the dark beside you buried sweetly what time is it? in your yellow hair Michael! Shelby Thomas weems, the director.
Hello.
I promise you That if you keep auditioning With a similar gusto Okay.
We are going to find a production With a role for Michael Scott.
- Okay.
- Yes? - Yes.
- Good.
- Good.
- Enjoy the second act.
- You enjoy the second act.
- Have a refreshment.
Thank you.
You, too.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Come on, Dwight.
Why are you dressed like a seed catalog model? These are just my dirty old gardening clothes.
They were all that I had in my car.
Let's go.
Hey, Erin, it's Pam.
Hey, how you doin No, no, don't put cece on the phone, Because she can't talk yet.
Okay.
No, I was just calling to see how everything's going.
Yeah? Yeah? It's good? The play? The play is kind of great.
I mean, it's fun to hear Andy sing In the appropriate setting.
No, he's really sorry you couldn't make it, too.
Yeah.
So thank you so much again.
We're having a great time.
Oh, they're flashing the lights, So we should go in.
Thanks.
Bye.
Okay, so we called, and everything's fine.
- Everything's fine.
- We can relax.
We can relax.
Let's get our sweeney on.
- then I go walking with you-hoo you-hoo I warm me bones on the esplanade have tea and scones with me gay young blade Michael! and I'll knit a sweater while you write a letter unless we got better to do-hoo Anything you say.
think how snug it'll be underneath the flannel when it's just you and me and the English channel in our cozy retreat, kept all neat and tidy we'll have chums over every Friday by the sea anything you say don't you love the weather by the sea just checking my emails.
See if I got any last-minute "break a legs" Or "I still love you" type texts.
- by the seaside, ooh-hoo Doesn't look like I got anything.
Maybe on my facebook wall.
- Unfortunately, in this ham-fisted production Of sweeney Todd, The real terror comes from the vocal performances.
New paragraph.
Mr.
Todd! Mr.
Todd! I found her! You found johanna.
That monster of a judge Has locked her Locked her away There's a little bird uttering around.
Do hope it ceases chirping.
How is that funny? The bird continues to call.
Someone please turn off yourBird.
Oh, for the love turn your phone off! There are signs! Oh, it appears the bird was in mine own pocket This whole time.
He's gone to sleep now.
I closed his beak.
Mmm[laughing alone.]
What is the news of my darling daughter johanna? You know what? Let me just double check, Make sure that bird Okay, good.
It's off.
I mean, silenced.
I silenced it by killing it.
I've killed it! I'm a murderer! Just like you, sweeney Todd! See? It all connects.
Not that I know you're a murderer.
My character doesn't know that yet.
But I'm suspicious, Because of all the razors That you have laying around.
And you spend time alone, But you're a barber, so that'legit.
So there's that.
But Where is johanna? - A madhouse.
- A madhouse? - Yes, a madhouse.
- A madhouse? Johanna is as good as rescued.
Where do you suppose All the wig makers of london Go to obtain their human hair? Do you think So you think So you think fogg's asylum, why not? Sounds like cece.
Okay, I think everybody just needs to relax.
Oh, my God, go, go.
Oh, my God.
That's really irresponsible of Erin.
S a ible bysitter.
I just didn't think you guys were gonna see us.
We were just gonna stop by and then get some ice cream And then go home.
Okay, this was pretty simple.
Why are you here? All you had to do was play with her For, like, 30 minutes and then put her to bed.
Then we were kind of hoping That you wouldn't touch her again.
Babies shouldn't have ice cream, by the way.
I'm sorry.
I just I really wanted to see Andy.
You guys made it sound so unmissable, And you set me up with a car seat and everything.
Well, the car seat was to take her to the hospital or But why would I take her to the hospital? You know what, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
Why don't I just take her home, And let you guys finish, And then you should stay out as late as you want.
No, we're good.
Thank you, though.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
Okay.
All right, bye, cece.
- Okay.
- All right.
Well, we're never leaving the house again.
Not together.
That was more horrifying than nunsense.
All that singing got in the way Of some perfectly good murders.
Where's my car? Come on.
Mmm! Fruit is so much better when it's dried.
I've already eaten, like, 30 apricots.
- Darryl? - Hey! Didn't know you were gonna be here.
How's the toilet? Silent.
Look, congratulations.
Thank you.
I had no idea.
This plumber has pipes.
Yeah, good job.
Well done.
You're the guy who booed me.
No, there were a lot of people booing you.
I wasn't one of them.
No, I saw you, And you were the only one.
Get your eyes checked, chucklehead.
Be cool, Michael.
I saw this guy kill a bunch of people.
Good work.
Thank you.
You didn't have to boo him.
Well, he was getting a lot of applause, And I just didn't think it was indicative Of how people were really feeling.
How would you like it if we booed you? That would never happen.
- Okay.
- Boo! I appreciate the feedback.
I don't like that at all.
Are you ready? Yes.
Oh, I'm so scared! Okay, kill me! Just kill me! Kill me! Ah, blood everywhere.
I'm so glad we're hanging out again outside of work.
Yeah, me, too.
Okay, I kill you now.
- Okay.
- All right.
All right, let's do this.
No, actually, Dwight, I didn't realize how far this walk was, And I I'm exhausted.
It's okay, I smell.
No.
No, no, no.
I think I just want to go home, But it's okay.
This can count as one of your times.
No, no, no.
Contractually, we're obligated to have sex.
Well, I won't tell if you don't.
I will tell.
I will tell the mediator.
What what are you Oh, okay.
Oh, was that in the way? Get rid of it.
Good night, Dwight.
Good night.
These would have been your seats.
Best seats in the house.
Lot of people think it would be the front row, But, actually, right here, This is where the speakers converge And the sound just, like, nails you right here.
This is awesome.
Sorry.
Oh.
Hi, Gabe.
Yeah, I just stopped by Andy's cast party To say hi to everyone.
Oh, sure, I can pick you up some soup.
What do you want? That's broth, Gabe.
Okay, I I'll see you soup.
[giggles.]
Okay, I have to go.
Thank you so much.
This is so much fun, And I'm really sorry that I missed your play, But next time, I'll be there.
Or here.
Right here, I promise.
Awesome.
- Okay.
- See you later.
Thank you.
It's like the hurt locker.
This night was a disaster.
No, it was not a disaster.
It was weird, but it wasn't a disaster.
I think we have, like, a gift bottle of irish cream.
Yeah? We could put that in orange juice.
- Get it.
- Yeah? - Let's get our juice on.
- Yeah.
[to rhythm of who let the dogs out.]
ruh ruh ruh ruh-ruh.
Found him.
Hey, what's going on here? Post-show blues? Yeah, I guess you could say that.
Yeah, I get those every day after work.
Your show was really great, Andy.
Interesting subject matter.
I'm surprised you pulled it off.
It was like amateur hour.
It was an amateur production, technically.
Oscar, enough with the sass, please! God! What is wrong with you? Andy, listen to me.
Look me in the eye.
I thought that you were awesome.
Stop just saying that.
I am not just saying that.
You can trust that I am telling you the truth.
I booed someone tonight.
I have no filter.
And if I thought you were terrible, I would have booed.
And if I thought you had done a better job, I would be saying nicer things right now.
But I thought that you were exactly awesome.
No better, no worse.
Thank you.
That feels good.
I did not say that to make you feel good.
I just said it.
Total integrity.
Andy, sing us another song.
Thanks, but I feel like a loner right now.
Oh, come on, Andy.
You were the highlight.
Come on, Andy, seriously.
Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! Okay, all right, all right, all right.
I try to say good-bye and I choke try to walk away and I stumble though I try to hide it, it's clear my world crumbles when you are not here I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you I keep my cool, but I'm fiending I try to say good-bye and I choke try to walk away and I stumble though I try and hide it, it's clear my world crumbles when you are not here my world it crumbles when you are not here In the criminal justice system, The people are represented by two separate But equally important groups, The police who investigate the crimes