Veep s07e03 Episode Script
Pledge
- Knock, knock.
- Oh, shit.
TOM: Just wanted to say I love you.
I love you, too, Tom.
Go fuck yourself.
(laughs) AMY: There's our new leader.
BEN: Oh, Keith Quinn in the house.
Okay, well, you're about to see how a campaign is really No, that's not him.
The only reason you were hired is because Mr.
Tanz told me you were the best and because? Because of my court-ordered chemical castration.
Is chocolate bad for dogs? - RICHARD: Oh no, not bad.
Deadly.
- GARY: Okay.
Richard, you can't keep working on both campaigns.
But they're both equally good people.
I would like to schedule an appointment.
It's for an abortion.
FELIX: Have you met Senator Talbot? I like to say she's the future of the party.
She's running for president? CROWD: (chanting) Kemi! Kemi! Kemi! As a woman, and a woman of color, I know these struggles firsthand.
- Whose time is it? - CROWD: Our time! - When is our time? - Now! And now let me hear you! Whose time is it? It sounds like Dr.
Seuss fucked Maya Angelou in the yuzz-ma-tuzz and then filled her all up with snoozily-scuzz.
How is this possibly even working for her? Socio-politically, protest chants have proved - an effective method - OK, off.
Kemi's crowds are huge.
You know what else is huge, Amy? Not even really showing.
- GARY: Mm - You look beautiful.
And how about the 24-hours-a-day free media coverage that she's getting? - BEN: Yep.
- MSNBC has something on you.
Put it on this i-thing.
NARRATOR: paign showing signs of trouble.
- SELINA: Oh, Christ.
- Andrew Meyer, husband - of President Selina Meyer - Ex-husband! Everything looks great.
Ready when you are.
- I know.
- Let's go.
They're all waiting for ya.
SELINA: Here we go.
Hellooooo! (cheers, applause) - What? - No, this is great.
This is great.
OK! University of Iowa! - (crowd cheers) - People come up to me, they say, "Why do you want to be president?" And I say, "It's time to finish the unfinished business of four years ago!" Say it with me: "Time to finish - the unfinished business!" - Crowd: "Of four years ago.
" Without the "four years ago.
" OK.
Iowa! What do we want? ALL: Time to finish the unfinished business" No Not "New Selina Now"! What do we want? BEN: When I say "shit," you say "show.
" Of four years ago.
SELINA: I was so far ahead.
How are you losing Iowa? And did you see the new cover of "Time" magazine? Yes.
Are angels real? BEN: "Kemi Fever.
" Three exclamation points.
KENT: It's a pandemic.
Yeah, well, somebody sneezed on our campaign, now we're bleeding out our assholes.
- Hi, guys! - Morning.
KENT: Ma'am, we're scrapping tomorrow's schedule.
You're making an appearance at the Waterloo County Fair.
BEN: Block and tackle retail politics.
- GARY: Ugh.
Retail.
- BEN: Eat a few corn dogs SELINA: Last thing I need is my picture being taken eating dick-shaped food.
I'd rather eat a food-shaped dick.
OK, folks.
Where is Keith Quinn? I have the "New York Times" interviewing him about running the campaign.
Maybe somebody should be interviewing the "Times" about why they write so much about modern dance.
Thirty-six hours in Snoozeville.
- That was my major.
- SELINA: OK.
How are we going to RU486 Kemi's campaign? No offense, Amy.
CATHERINE: Mom, do you have to act that way? I mean, Kemi is super impressive.
And I'm not gonna lie, ma'am, - very much my type.
- You're kidding.
Clearly, I have a thing for strong women.
- What's happening? - Strong women.
My God, pick a lane.
Jesus.
DAN: Ma'am, Kemi just picked up two Senators and a union.
A good union or, like, teachers? Local 74.
Iowa Asbestos Workers.
- KENT: Well, there you go.
- (laughter) Actually, my uncle was a shop steward in the 7-4.
Asbestos killed him.
- On, no! - I'm sorry, Richard.
Asbestos was the name of their pit bull.
It was a rescue that killed its first owner.
That's why you have to go to breeders.
BEN: OK.
Order, order.
First item: debate prep.
That's how we beat Kemi.
Fine.
Stupid handshakes, opening statement, uh, thank you to Date Rape University, - first question.
- DAN: Madam President, how do you explain the accusations the Meyer Fund and your husband Andrew Meyer stole millions during No.
Andrew Meyer is my ex-husband.
And I have had virtually no contact with him - at this point.
- (knocking on window) Oh OK.
We're gonna take a quick five, guys.
Fantastic.
Her Achilles cock.
Andrew! I see Monnie got a new paint job.
Monnie and I are still together.
Better than ever, in fact.
No.
Felicia is my paralegal.
Oh, God, we're all goin' to jail.
- Wait in the car, OK? - Can you please find me a real green juice somewhere in Iowa? I'm drinking Odwalla like some country lesbian who just got to the big city.
- Ma'am.
- Not yet.
AMY: So much for debate prep.
DAN: Actually, that was our best one yet.
- Ohh.
- Hey, Ame.
Hey, Dan.
Happy Abortion Eve.
- Oh, my God! - What? Don't they all know? AMY: Go! OK, I don't know if I should be sad - or turned on.
- BEN: Eww.
Richard, you're running yourself ragged working on both campaigns.
I'm actually a little embarrassed.
I mean, two jobs is no big deal.
- In fact, it's the Speltt family motto.
- Splett.
Speltt.
It's my mother's side of the family.
I think you should definitely quit Selina.
I would if I could.
Actually, I tried to quit last week, and the president gave me a raise.
- MARJORIE: So quit Jonah.
- He gave me a raise too.
Some people say I'm not fit to be president, that I'm dangerously unskilled.
But when I debate my fellow candidates in the debate this Saturday, I'm finally gonna set the record straight.
Because that's when the gloves come off.
(bell dings) Senator James, you pledged to bring jobs back to America.
- (blow lands) - Aaah! President Meyer, you say you're tough on crime, huh? Then why am I not in prison for punching the president? - Pretty good, right? - Senator Talbot, I think your tax plan is a wack plan.
Psyche.
Aaah! Uhh! - (bell dings) - Undisputed President of the United States! I'm Jonah Ryan, and I wanna suck this message's hot clam.
- Me too! - When do we roll that out? We don't.
You went completely off script! I ad-libbed.
Teddy, improv is Jonah's thing.
You should have heard his wedding vows.
He did a really funny Chinese voice.
Yeah, I expressed how horny I was.
We focus-tested the ad, and most people are uncomfortable watching a white man kick a black woman in the vagina.
Well, I don't see vagina color.
Why don't we just kick President Meyer instead? The debate committee just emailed me to say that there are so many candidates they've decided to host two separate debates.
One for candidates polling with at least 5% of the vote, and another one for those polling with less than 5%.
And, good news No, that's bad news.
I'm at less than 5%? In the plus column, the undercard debate will be first, which means we have no problem getting out of the parking lot.
Oh, no, that's bad news too.
It's stacked parking.
Andrew, you said there was nothing illegal about the fund.
I thought we both understood I was lying.
You do know I'm running for president, right? - (knocks) - Madam P! Got a moment? Can you fuck off? (laughs) Can do, skipper.
- OK.
- ANDREW: Lee, do you happen to know if Marjorie has the complete ledgers to all the Meyer Fund accounts? Yes.
I'm sure that she does.
That's too bad.
I think I'm gonna pop by her office and see if it's locked.
For once will you tell me the truth? How much money did you steal? Technically it was you that stole the money from the fund because I signed your name on some documents.
Oh, my God.
Don't worry, Lee.
I'll keep you out of it.
Yeah.
"Don't worry, Lee.
You won't get pregnant.
I'll pull out and cum on your back.
" Again, I thought we both understood I was lying.
General Stattler.
How are you? Sorry to keep you waiting.
Come on in.
Madam President, I have been trying repeatedly to get your office to sign off on a presidential funeral plan.
And since your tenure was so unusually brief, I took the liberty of using President Ford's ceremony as a template.
- Who? - Uh, that's not gonna work.
He was lucky not to get dumped out of a pickup truck into a quarry.
- My vision for when I die - If you - No, I am gonna die.
- Mm More of a sort of a Princess Diana thing.
But classy.
- But no Prince Charles.
- Oh, yeah.
- He's worse than the mother.
- Ohh.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Let's make a list of everybody we don't want invited to my funeral.
- Fun.
- Yeah.
And put Andrew at the top.
(laughing) Already there.
Begging your pardon, ma'am, but these plans should have been made - before you left office.
- Oh.
Put Montez on the list.
You know, I could get reelected.
Ma'am, why don't we just jump right to embalming options to minimize decomp during the rotunda viewing.
- Hughes.
- GARY: Ugh.
Do I really want to get embalmed? - Yeah, the neck.
Yeah.
- Oh, that's true.
Right.
(calliope music plays) TEDDY: Jonah Ryan.
Outsider's insider.
Make sure to vote.
Hey, Teddy.
Teddy, check this out.
- Teddy, look.
- What am I doing? - No, get the big one.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
(moaning) - (Beth laughing) BETH: Teddy, isn't he so funny? He's hilarious, Mrs.
Ryan.
Why don't you eat this, Congressman? - OK.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- All right.
- Congressman Ryan.
- Yeah.
How do you feel about being relegated to the undercard debate? - Oh, no comment.
- Uh, no.
Comment.
I deserve to be in the real debate as much as Selina Meyer and that hot new black lady.
It is literally the definition of retarded.
Congressman has a very busy schedule, thank you.
Hi.
Jonah Ryan, candidate for president What the fuck, Teddy?! You can't say "retarded" in front of a reporter.
- Why, is he retarded? - No, but you might be.
No.
My pediatrician ran the tests.
Besides, if I was, you'd know.
I'd have retard face or whatever.
- He would look different.
- Jonah.
You have to watch what you say.
Damn it.
Wait.
Who are you calling? No.
Don't tell my mom.
It's Teddy, yeah.
I'm calling in the favor.
Teddy, look.
It's shitting in my mouth.
He's pretending the potato is pooping in his mouth.
MIKE: Buzzfeed rented this house for all their reporters.
- Babe, why are you wearing that hat? - Well, ever since I got it, they stopped calling me "Old Guy.
" Now I'm "Hat Guy.
" - It's "Fat Guy.
" - Hey, Mike, have you given any thought to that thing that we talked about? I think it would be really good for Ellen if we adopted another baby from China.
Wendy, we're barely makin' ends meet, and ever since the Felix Wade piece, Buzzfeed's been climbing up my ass.
Somehow they got the idea I'm a good writer.
- And I'm not! - I gotta go help Ellen with her Mandarin.
All right.
Ellen, ni hao! That means "hello," Mike.
- WENDY: Have fun, baby.
- LIZZIE: Hey, Fat Guy.
Did I hear you're having trouble meeting your article quota? Maybe.
You interested in some study buddies? Didn't I used to be Hat Guy? I think it was always Fat Guy.
(air brakes hiss) Oh, wow! What a crowd! Hi! - I hope you'll vote for me.
- KENT: "Caucus.
" - They don't know what that word is.
- Good point.
Hi, Mom! Don't tell me.
Are these all of your children? - Yes, they are.
- That's a busy beaver.
- Yes.
- Yes, indeed.
Hey, kids.
Were you all just petting the animals? - KIDS: Yes.
- Great.
- Where's Kemi? - Senator Talbot is currently using her campaign app - to host a digital town hall.
- KEMI: woman of color Jesus-hashtag-Christ.
- Do we even have an app? - Of course we do, ma'am.
The current version only asks for donations and, for some reason, deletes your address book.
Technically, it's more of a virus.
I had it but had to delete it because it was making my phone hot.
Hello! Yes! Yeah! Madam President, I have a question and two follow-ups.
You do? How do you feel about Governor Calhoun accusing you of being unfit for office because of your complicity in your husband's alleged crimes? He's my ex-husband, Mike, and I think we're all getting pretty tired of these cheap personal attacks.
Perhaps that kind of thing - plays well in "Nevahda" - Nevada.
Nevada, but I challenge Governor Calhoun, and the other candidates, to, uh, to join me in a "non-negative" pledge.
I think it's time to start talking about the issues that affect real Americans.
Thank you.
Wow, Mike, you said an actual thing.
How the fuck did that happen? It's like "Flowers for Algernon.
" I understand that reference now.
It's a book.
Oh, by the way, have you seen Andrew? I gotta get ahold of him.
I'm startin' to think he's rippin' me off.
STEPHANIE: What we do at Crawford Bloom Associates, we work with high profile clients like yourself to make sure that not only are they understood, but, more importantly, never misunderstood.
We want you to put your best foot forward - and not in your mouth.
- Exactly.
That's a good one.
I like that.
- I like these guys.
- STEPHANIE: OK, so, you went to the fair yesterday.
- (Jonah laughing) - Yeah.
Let's talk about the specific incident that brought you to us.
- Oh, yeah, the retarded thing.
- Yes.
Exactly.
Now, when you said that word, Congressman, is there, I don't know, another word that you could have used, had the same meaning? - There's no wrong answers.
- Nope.
Um mentally retarded? No, that that's wrong.
I see where your head is at, though, and you are technically correct.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- DANNY: Yes.
And technically also, though, you see how you're still using the same form of the hurtful word? You're feeling what I'm saying? Yeah, not really.
Can I get another bagel? It might be a great time to introduce a new strategy that we have developed here called "360 degree perspective-taking.
" Oh, God, is that like math? Actually, it's just a way of using empathy to help avoid hurting other people's feelings.
(laughs) That's so gay.
- Um, what? - Excuse me? Oh, guys, come on.
I didn't mean like gay gay or like "This guy and his husband are gay.
" I meant gay like, uh, mentally retarded.
OK.
You know what? Ah, Stephanie, I need a minute, I just need one minute.
- I'm so sorry.
Thank you.
- JONAH: OK.
Yeah.
Is this guy on his fuckin' period? What is Ow! (knocking on door) My dumb slit sister was supposed to be my abortion ride, but now, of course, she is nowhere to be found, so I'm - Oh.
That makes sense.
- DAN: Yeah.
Well, would you mind? Unless you plan on fucking her again while she's passed out.
She doesn't call that rape, by the way, that's just regular sex to her.
- I will get my keys.
- Thank you.
SOPHIE: Don't wear white pants! RICHARD: Big news, ma'am.
Governor Calhoun announced that he's signed onto your non-negative pledge.
Oh, what a pussy.
KENT: Ma'am, every candidate has made the non-negative pledge, including Tom James and Kemi.
Look at you! You've got chocolate all over your face like a child, but you're an adult! Adorable! Also, the dog mayor of Lurlene has passed away.
- I'm sorry, Richard.
- Oh, my God.
- What? Who? - The dog that I, uh Oh.
No.
We should probably send someone to the funeral.
Well, make Amy go.
Where is that Fatty McFatty hiding today? She aborted her unborn fetus.
Dock her a day's pay then.
Richard, do you want to go? It would be my honor to attend.
(rifle popping) Winner.
Honey, I think that's enough.
These are clearly made with child labor.
- Hold this.
- MAN: What are you, some kind of Green Beret? I was an agricultural advisor.
Nothing more.
(protesters shouting) WOMAN: Abortion is murder! Keep your head down, Ames.
I'll part the redneck sea.
DAN: All right, all right, back up.
Make some room.
Psalm 106! Think of the innocent children! - Oh! You want me to think - No, no, no, no, no, no.
About the children, you hog-fingering fucks? Well, I did think about this.
I considered it, and I cried, and yeah, suck my cock, I even prayed a little, and here I am.
So you can back the fuck off, you hypocritical cunts, before I show up to the piss puddle that is your house and protest your husband whacking it to your daughter's seventh grade yearbook.
That sign's misspelled.
- Come on, Dan.
- Yes.
Yes.
And I hope you'll all caucus for Selina Meyer.
New Selina Now.
- (ring clanks) - Ohh! Darn it.
- OK.
Yeah? - Ma'am.
(whispers) Kemi killed her boyfriend.
What? How is this not all over the news? Her records were sealed.
She was 16.
She accidentally hit him with her Volkswagen Cabriolet.
She is an actual murderer?! (laughing) Yes! Who drives an import! Oh, my God! I think I'm gonna cry.
We gotta spread this news like Kemi's boyfriend's guts all over the pavement! Actually, he was decapitated.
- Here.
You do this.
- Ma'am.
Ma'am.
We can't use this.
Social media is exploding with praise for your non-negative pledge.
Well, why did you morons let me do that? - (clank) - MAN: Winner.
- (Selina gasps) - (crowd oohs) Oh! I did it! I did it! - Here you go, ma'am.
- Thank you.
Enjoy the rest of your day at the Waterloo County Fair.
Thank you.
I don't want this.
OK.
Is there any way we can accuse Kemi of murdering her boyfriend, but in a positive way? Madam President! Guess your age? Guess your weight? Oh.
Um (laughs) - OK.
What was that? - (Gary mutters) - Where's Secret Service? - Just came out of nowhere.
WOMAN: OK, Ms.
Brookheimer, I do need to warn you about some of the surgical risks involved.
Infection, bleeding, uterine perforation.
Yep, 10-4.
Body's a wonderland.
Can I just sign the consent form? Per Iowa law, I do have to offer you the option of viewing the ultrasound.
Less talk, more abortion.
Patient has declined.
I am as sure as I will be.
OK.
We're gonna give you some medicine now to help you relax.
(chuckles) Oh, yeah? You got any of those darts they use on rampaging circus animals? No need.
Everyone's always telling me to relax and I'm not good at relaxing.
Well, I don't want to relax 'cause I hate relaxing so - Ooh.
- Ahh.
There you go, tough guy.
- Very good.
- NURSE: Mm-hmm.
Is that the Berkeley VC-10? That's like the Shelby Cobra GT of vag-vacs.
I'm sorry, who is this man? (sing-songy) That's Dan.
Yeah, I'm the proud father-to-not-be.
- Here ya go, ma'am.
- Uh-huh.
- Madam President.
- SELINA: Yes.
And the crowd goes wild.
What is up with the Clubfoot Cunt-tessa? I think she's worried that you might beat her up in the girls' bathroom, - give her a swirly.
- Oh, no.
(laughing) Yeah, you would've.
OK.
You know what? - Can you just - Sure.
Yeah.
Madam President, I do believe that we are literally and figuratively out to pasture.
Oh, God, it's really too bad, 'cause I've got something so juicy on Ms.
Post-Racial America.
- How juicy? - I mean, fresh-squeezed Billy Carter juicy.
But I can't use it, - unless - Unless he wondered.
Unless.
.
, you wanted to break the pledge first.
You want me to go back on your word.
No.
Forget it.
This never works.
- What am I thinking? - No, no, no, no.
Selina, listen, you got no reason to trust me, based on Yeah.
Trying to screw me out of the presidency, then trying to actually screw me, then screwing me, then writing a book about screwing me.
- Also discussed it on television.
- Lovely.
- If I go negative on Kemi - Yeah.
Once she's gone The party's stuck with us.
Like it's supposed to be.
JONAH: And that is why I know I'm wrong and I would like to apologize for the hurtful words that I used.
And not just because there was a camera.
TEDDY: Although if there is a tape, we would appreciate it and any copies of that tape to pray and reflect on.
Come on, guys.
(scoffs) Are you deaf? (mocking deaf people) Did you not hear what he was saying? What is wrong with you? Are you fuckin' retarded?! - Oh, my God! - Ohh I am so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- No, no, no.
It's OK.
- I'm so sorry.
I accept your apology.
(clears throat) - I really love that sweater.
- Thank you.
JONAH: One voter at a time, Teddy.
BETH: But Jonah, there were two of them.
I know.
I have left literally hundreds of messages, none of which you've returned, which is why I am writing this email, Andrew - Hey, Mike.
You good? - Actually, I'm under a little bit of pressure.
My wife wants to adopt a new kid and my old boss's ex-husband maybe stole our life savings, so I'm trying to write him a letter but I can't focus on anything 'cause it's so dirty in here, and bright, and, oddly, windy, right? Hey, do you have any more of those "concentratey" pills? Yeah, no, I think you've had enough.
Thank you! "I've had enough, Andrew! Mike McLintock has had enough!" CATHERINE: This is a pretty good turnout for a dog funeral.
I mean, even the governor's here.
Who are all these people? Novelty mayors are Iowa's number one source of tourism.
After tornado-chasing.
And coming into town to buy Sudafed.
- Is that a mayor as well? - (laughs) That's just a cat.
Could you imagine? (laughs) - This isn't Nebraska.
- JUDGE SACKETT: Richard.
Can I speak with you after the service? Of course, Judge.
How's the search for the new successor? Sadly, the mayor was fixed and cloning was too expensive.
That's what I want to talk to you about.
Would you like me to neuter the new mayor? We're being sued by the sensitivity trainers.
Joke's on them, because you can't sue the president.
Jonah, I know this is just the undercard debate, - but it's still important.
- Well, hello! Oh, no.
Jonah, you should've worn a costume.
What the fuck? I gotta debate Dumbledong? Listen, OK.
He's just the protest candidate.
Ignore him.
What's most important is, you have to be more PC than a clit ring made out of wheatgrass.
Don't worry about it.
I got it handled.
I wrote down all the words not to say.
OK, that'll work.
(music playing) WOMAN: Welcome back to tonight's debate featuring candidates polling between 5% and not-statistically significant.
I'm Brie Ramachandran-Shulhoff.
Let's turn our attention to foreign policy, - Congressman Ryan.
- Bring it on, Brie.
Your question is about Africa.
- Pass.
- With China challenging American hegemony across the African continent, should we adopt a more aggressive policy of forward deployment by sending U.
S.
ground troops into countries like Niger? I'm sorry, you can't say that.
I mean, only he can say that.
Say what, "Niger"? It doesn't matter how you pronounce it, we now know that it is wrong.
Congressman, I think you're confused.
She's referring to the African nation - African American nation.
- of Niger.
(whispers) Jesus, Clark, you're standing right next to the guy.
What did he say? No, he said it, not me.
But for the record, I think that the United States should send troops into countries like N-word, and I think it would be best if those troops were black.
Can I just say, making friends overseas - is powerful magic.
- (crowd applauding) You ask him any question, it's gonna be "powerful magic.
" I'm gonna ask him a question.
What's your solution to fix our failing public education system? Well, longer school years, free breakfast and magic! - Oh, come on.
- (crowd applauding) Little Richard will be very happy for his daddy The new mayor of Lurlene.
Catherine, he won't be making memories for another 22 months.
Hey, I think that went pretty well, right? Well, I just got here, so I'm gonna say yes.
I want you to add the Dalai Lama to this list, 'cause I'm gonna be the only stiff at my funeral.
Oh, look at this.
Congressman Ryan! And this must be Mrs.
Ryan.
Or do you go by your maiden name: Mrs.
Ryan? Oh, either is fine.
No, ma'am, she's my half-sister.
- Step.
- GARY: She's his step-sister.
Madam President, Congressman Ryan, I'm glad you're both here.
It seems I have been appointed the new Mayor of Lurlene.
- Oh, congratulations! - Mayor Splizzle in the hizzle! Wow.
All right.
But don't you have to be a dog? Well, legally, yes, but it's unenforceable.
But, sadly, I have to tell you that I can no longer work for your presidential campaign.
- Of course.
I understand.
- I'll be sorry to lose you.
Uh, me too.
- KENT: (whispers) Ma'am.
- Hm? - Ma'am.
- What? Excuse me.
Yes? It seems that Mike just published a piece on Buzzfeed entitled "An Open Letter to Andrew Meyer.
" "Dear Mr.
Andrew Meyer, I have invested my entire life savings with you, and have yet to see a single dollar in return.
" What?! Mike's entire life savings? So we're talking about, what, $6? The term "Fonzie scheme" is referenced.
And the article as a whole is not cool.
Get that Benedict Ronald McDonald on the phone right now.
And find me Tom James! (cell phone ringing) (ringing) Fat Guy's phone.
SELINA: Mike, what the backstabbing fuck?! Dude, your mom's on the phone.
She sounds pissed.
(music playing) KEMI: And that's why as a woman, and a woman of color, my entire life has been training for the Oval Office.
- (applause) - If I could just add onto that - SELINA: You know, Greg - By speaking Yeah.
OK.
SELINA: I have actually sat in the Oval Office and made tough decisions Life-and-death decisions.
And believe me, the many, many accomplishments of the Meyer administration were no accident.
What? What Oh.
Did you say I'm sorry, - did you say something? OK.
- No, you're good.
No, no.
- I'd like to hop in, and just - SELINA: Which is - TOM: I think I know - All right.
What President Meyer is driving at so artfully, is that she would like me to tell you that Senator Talbot here accidentally murdered her boyfriend in a reckless car accident when she was 16 years old.
But you know what? I'm not gonna stoop to your level and say that, Selina.
I'm not I'm not sure what you mean, Senator James I guess we shouldn't be surprised at this kind of underhandedness from a woman whose husband, Andrew Meyer - Ex-husband, in fact.
- Whatever he is.
- You want to get it right.
- The two of you, according to your former press secretary, used the Meyer Fund to defraud millions of dollars from our obese children, from our adult illiterates, - from emerging democracies - Our military families.
So where you headed after this? I got a neo-Nazi on the dangle in Sweden.
Only one talking point, but they do stick to it.
Did you know that President Meyer had a heart attack a couple of years ago? Just covered it up! Well, you had a heart attack.
This was a minor prostate procedure.
If I may interject.
Please.
I think that the American people deserve more from the next president than a bunch of politics-as-usual mud-slinging.
(applause) Oh, boy.
That Kemi really has it going on.
KEMI: And it brings me no joy to revisit one of the worst events of my childhood in which, yes, I was in a car accident that killed a dear friend.
But I have looked up to President Meyer since I was a little girl, and I have heard her many, many explanations for her ex-husband's activities at the fund.
And I accept them all.
Well.
(laughs) You know, if Oh.
You do? I do.
And frankly, I'm tired of hearing about it.
- I think we all are.
- SELINA: Well, I know I am.
Thank you.
- Um, I - And as far as both of your medical issues go, - it's TMI, people, it's TMI.
- (audience laughs) And I would just like to add to that GREG: Hold that thought, Governor Calhoun.
We're gonna take a quick break and then we will be right back with more of the presidential debate live from Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa, in just a moment.
(applause) STAGEHAND: And we're clear.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! - I'm sorry, Mom.
- MAN: Back in two minutes.
You gotta help me.
Somebody's gotta tell me what to do.
Hit her with the economy.
There's no way her college loan plan can pay for itself.
Neither can mine, Ben! None of these plans can! Do you have your debate cheat sheet? - Yes, it's right here.
- All right.
Ma'am, this is your funeral blackball list.
And all of you are on it! We need to muddy her up.
Something as bad as Andrew.
- Drugs.
- Lesbianism.
Mom, Mom, stop.
OK? If you don't win, we are all gonna have to rally behind Kemi.
- Catherine, who cut your hair? - Yeah.
MAN: One minute, Madam President.
Please head back to the stage.
OK, um Olu-wakemi Talibah Talbot.
That sounds like a terrorist to me, folks.
- Talibah, Taliban.
- Taliban.
That's an old chestnut.
Mom, I am begging you as the mother of a mixed-race child Stop it! Stop! My God! I have had it with this whimpering and whining from you and your generation! It's time for you to grow a pair and man the fuck up! Not bad.
(music playing) Whether your ceiling is made of glass or covered in peeling lead paint, as a woman, and a woman of color, I want to challenge our notions of economic justice.
Senator Talbot, I met a farmer Let me tell you something about justice, Senator.
When I was coming up as a lawyer, I didn't have to remind everyone I was a woman every ten seconds because they never let me forget it.
I smiled all through the casual grabbing of my behind and all the secret meetings on the golf course that I wasn't invited to.
So how about giving a little thanks to the women like me who built the ladder that you use to get up onto your soapbox? How about for once in your life you stop whining, you stop complaining, and just man up? - Because I honestly I - (applause) Yeah, that's right, you heard me, man up.
Ya know? Let's just say it like it is.
- That's it! - (applause) All right.
All right.
If you'll just show our affection for all of our candidates Congratulations, Catherine.
(applause continues) GREG: From Drake University, this has been CNN's first Iowa presidential debate.
I'm Greg Hart.
Good night.
- (music playing) - (applause) Aw, I'm so proud of you.
Thank you.
GREG: Madam President, - may I say whoooaaa! - Thank you, Greg.
President Meyer.
- Hey! - Wonderful job.
You did it, ma'am.
God bless America for hating woman almost as much as I do.
- CROWD: Man up! Man up! Man up - Get out of my way.
AMY: She won? "Man up.
" - Huh.
- That's really good.
Who came up with that? Catherine.
How ya doin'? Feels like someone shoved a red-hot pair of barbecue tongs up my joy trail.
Oh, before I forget.
Frozen maxi-pads soaked in comfrey extract.
My own personal recipe.
That is so nice.
And also cold and disgusting.
I'm gonna need that back when you're done, 'cause Leon will pay big bucks for it.
Ohh.
Ugh.
Dan, did I make a mistake? - What if I never get - (phone chimes) (chiming, buzzing) - Yeah? - TEDDY: Ames-bo-bames.
It's Teddy Sykes.
How would you like the chance to help lead a divisive, physically repugnant underdog to historic victory? You want me to join Jonah's campaign? - Such as it is.
Whaddya say? - What? (whispers) Ask for campaign manager.
I would need to be campaign manager.
So you shall be.
I'm not gonna lie It's gonna be really hard and no fun.
We have got a bit of a problem.
You are in luck, because my schedule just got scraped clean.
- We will talk soon.
- Yes! Get up! We have something to celebrate.
- Nice.
- Mm.
Yeah.
Five minutes.
See? When you do good things, good things happen to good people.
I'm such a good person.
Ma'am, I was hoping I could have some more responsibilities - SELINA: Yes! - Yes! Can you make me a waxing appointment? - I'm feeling patriotic.
- Full bald eagle.
I just found out from my stupid stepfather TEDDY: Father-in-law! From my stupid stepfather-in-law, that math was created by Muslims.
How are we doing with non-college educated whites? - Look at this.
- KENT: Underwater, ma'am.
Then how about college educated whites? In South Carolina, that is not a significant slice of the pie.
I would really love to be able to count on your endorsement.
You gonna make me say it? We got race in the race.
- Oh, shit.
TOM: Just wanted to say I love you.
I love you, too, Tom.
Go fuck yourself.
(laughs) AMY: There's our new leader.
BEN: Oh, Keith Quinn in the house.
Okay, well, you're about to see how a campaign is really No, that's not him.
The only reason you were hired is because Mr.
Tanz told me you were the best and because? Because of my court-ordered chemical castration.
Is chocolate bad for dogs? - RICHARD: Oh no, not bad.
Deadly.
- GARY: Okay.
Richard, you can't keep working on both campaigns.
But they're both equally good people.
I would like to schedule an appointment.
It's for an abortion.
FELIX: Have you met Senator Talbot? I like to say she's the future of the party.
She's running for president? CROWD: (chanting) Kemi! Kemi! Kemi! As a woman, and a woman of color, I know these struggles firsthand.
- Whose time is it? - CROWD: Our time! - When is our time? - Now! And now let me hear you! Whose time is it? It sounds like Dr.
Seuss fucked Maya Angelou in the yuzz-ma-tuzz and then filled her all up with snoozily-scuzz.
How is this possibly even working for her? Socio-politically, protest chants have proved - an effective method - OK, off.
Kemi's crowds are huge.
You know what else is huge, Amy? Not even really showing.
- GARY: Mm - You look beautiful.
And how about the 24-hours-a-day free media coverage that she's getting? - BEN: Yep.
- MSNBC has something on you.
Put it on this i-thing.
NARRATOR: paign showing signs of trouble.
- SELINA: Oh, Christ.
- Andrew Meyer, husband - of President Selina Meyer - Ex-husband! Everything looks great.
Ready when you are.
- I know.
- Let's go.
They're all waiting for ya.
SELINA: Here we go.
Hellooooo! (cheers, applause) - What? - No, this is great.
This is great.
OK! University of Iowa! - (crowd cheers) - People come up to me, they say, "Why do you want to be president?" And I say, "It's time to finish the unfinished business of four years ago!" Say it with me: "Time to finish - the unfinished business!" - Crowd: "Of four years ago.
" Without the "four years ago.
" OK.
Iowa! What do we want? ALL: Time to finish the unfinished business" No Not "New Selina Now"! What do we want? BEN: When I say "shit," you say "show.
" Of four years ago.
SELINA: I was so far ahead.
How are you losing Iowa? And did you see the new cover of "Time" magazine? Yes.
Are angels real? BEN: "Kemi Fever.
" Three exclamation points.
KENT: It's a pandemic.
Yeah, well, somebody sneezed on our campaign, now we're bleeding out our assholes.
- Hi, guys! - Morning.
KENT: Ma'am, we're scrapping tomorrow's schedule.
You're making an appearance at the Waterloo County Fair.
BEN: Block and tackle retail politics.
- GARY: Ugh.
Retail.
- BEN: Eat a few corn dogs SELINA: Last thing I need is my picture being taken eating dick-shaped food.
I'd rather eat a food-shaped dick.
OK, folks.
Where is Keith Quinn? I have the "New York Times" interviewing him about running the campaign.
Maybe somebody should be interviewing the "Times" about why they write so much about modern dance.
Thirty-six hours in Snoozeville.
- That was my major.
- SELINA: OK.
How are we going to RU486 Kemi's campaign? No offense, Amy.
CATHERINE: Mom, do you have to act that way? I mean, Kemi is super impressive.
And I'm not gonna lie, ma'am, - very much my type.
- You're kidding.
Clearly, I have a thing for strong women.
- What's happening? - Strong women.
My God, pick a lane.
Jesus.
DAN: Ma'am, Kemi just picked up two Senators and a union.
A good union or, like, teachers? Local 74.
Iowa Asbestos Workers.
- KENT: Well, there you go.
- (laughter) Actually, my uncle was a shop steward in the 7-4.
Asbestos killed him.
- On, no! - I'm sorry, Richard.
Asbestos was the name of their pit bull.
It was a rescue that killed its first owner.
That's why you have to go to breeders.
BEN: OK.
Order, order.
First item: debate prep.
That's how we beat Kemi.
Fine.
Stupid handshakes, opening statement, uh, thank you to Date Rape University, - first question.
- DAN: Madam President, how do you explain the accusations the Meyer Fund and your husband Andrew Meyer stole millions during No.
Andrew Meyer is my ex-husband.
And I have had virtually no contact with him - at this point.
- (knocking on window) Oh OK.
We're gonna take a quick five, guys.
Fantastic.
Her Achilles cock.
Andrew! I see Monnie got a new paint job.
Monnie and I are still together.
Better than ever, in fact.
No.
Felicia is my paralegal.
Oh, God, we're all goin' to jail.
- Wait in the car, OK? - Can you please find me a real green juice somewhere in Iowa? I'm drinking Odwalla like some country lesbian who just got to the big city.
- Ma'am.
- Not yet.
AMY: So much for debate prep.
DAN: Actually, that was our best one yet.
- Ohh.
- Hey, Ame.
Hey, Dan.
Happy Abortion Eve.
- Oh, my God! - What? Don't they all know? AMY: Go! OK, I don't know if I should be sad - or turned on.
- BEN: Eww.
Richard, you're running yourself ragged working on both campaigns.
I'm actually a little embarrassed.
I mean, two jobs is no big deal.
- In fact, it's the Speltt family motto.
- Splett.
Speltt.
It's my mother's side of the family.
I think you should definitely quit Selina.
I would if I could.
Actually, I tried to quit last week, and the president gave me a raise.
- MARJORIE: So quit Jonah.
- He gave me a raise too.
Some people say I'm not fit to be president, that I'm dangerously unskilled.
But when I debate my fellow candidates in the debate this Saturday, I'm finally gonna set the record straight.
Because that's when the gloves come off.
(bell dings) Senator James, you pledged to bring jobs back to America.
- (blow lands) - Aaah! President Meyer, you say you're tough on crime, huh? Then why am I not in prison for punching the president? - Pretty good, right? - Senator Talbot, I think your tax plan is a wack plan.
Psyche.
Aaah! Uhh! - (bell dings) - Undisputed President of the United States! I'm Jonah Ryan, and I wanna suck this message's hot clam.
- Me too! - When do we roll that out? We don't.
You went completely off script! I ad-libbed.
Teddy, improv is Jonah's thing.
You should have heard his wedding vows.
He did a really funny Chinese voice.
Yeah, I expressed how horny I was.
We focus-tested the ad, and most people are uncomfortable watching a white man kick a black woman in the vagina.
Well, I don't see vagina color.
Why don't we just kick President Meyer instead? The debate committee just emailed me to say that there are so many candidates they've decided to host two separate debates.
One for candidates polling with at least 5% of the vote, and another one for those polling with less than 5%.
And, good news No, that's bad news.
I'm at less than 5%? In the plus column, the undercard debate will be first, which means we have no problem getting out of the parking lot.
Oh, no, that's bad news too.
It's stacked parking.
Andrew, you said there was nothing illegal about the fund.
I thought we both understood I was lying.
You do know I'm running for president, right? - (knocks) - Madam P! Got a moment? Can you fuck off? (laughs) Can do, skipper.
- OK.
- ANDREW: Lee, do you happen to know if Marjorie has the complete ledgers to all the Meyer Fund accounts? Yes.
I'm sure that she does.
That's too bad.
I think I'm gonna pop by her office and see if it's locked.
For once will you tell me the truth? How much money did you steal? Technically it was you that stole the money from the fund because I signed your name on some documents.
Oh, my God.
Don't worry, Lee.
I'll keep you out of it.
Yeah.
"Don't worry, Lee.
You won't get pregnant.
I'll pull out and cum on your back.
" Again, I thought we both understood I was lying.
General Stattler.
How are you? Sorry to keep you waiting.
Come on in.
Madam President, I have been trying repeatedly to get your office to sign off on a presidential funeral plan.
And since your tenure was so unusually brief, I took the liberty of using President Ford's ceremony as a template.
- Who? - Uh, that's not gonna work.
He was lucky not to get dumped out of a pickup truck into a quarry.
- My vision for when I die - If you - No, I am gonna die.
- Mm More of a sort of a Princess Diana thing.
But classy.
- But no Prince Charles.
- Oh, yeah.
- He's worse than the mother.
- Ohh.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Let's make a list of everybody we don't want invited to my funeral.
- Fun.
- Yeah.
And put Andrew at the top.
(laughing) Already there.
Begging your pardon, ma'am, but these plans should have been made - before you left office.
- Oh.
Put Montez on the list.
You know, I could get reelected.
Ma'am, why don't we just jump right to embalming options to minimize decomp during the rotunda viewing.
- Hughes.
- GARY: Ugh.
Do I really want to get embalmed? - Yeah, the neck.
Yeah.
- Oh, that's true.
Right.
(calliope music plays) TEDDY: Jonah Ryan.
Outsider's insider.
Make sure to vote.
Hey, Teddy.
Teddy, check this out.
- Teddy, look.
- What am I doing? - No, get the big one.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
(moaning) - (Beth laughing) BETH: Teddy, isn't he so funny? He's hilarious, Mrs.
Ryan.
Why don't you eat this, Congressman? - OK.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- All right.
- Congressman Ryan.
- Yeah.
How do you feel about being relegated to the undercard debate? - Oh, no comment.
- Uh, no.
Comment.
I deserve to be in the real debate as much as Selina Meyer and that hot new black lady.
It is literally the definition of retarded.
Congressman has a very busy schedule, thank you.
Hi.
Jonah Ryan, candidate for president What the fuck, Teddy?! You can't say "retarded" in front of a reporter.
- Why, is he retarded? - No, but you might be.
No.
My pediatrician ran the tests.
Besides, if I was, you'd know.
I'd have retard face or whatever.
- He would look different.
- Jonah.
You have to watch what you say.
Damn it.
Wait.
Who are you calling? No.
Don't tell my mom.
It's Teddy, yeah.
I'm calling in the favor.
Teddy, look.
It's shitting in my mouth.
He's pretending the potato is pooping in his mouth.
MIKE: Buzzfeed rented this house for all their reporters.
- Babe, why are you wearing that hat? - Well, ever since I got it, they stopped calling me "Old Guy.
" Now I'm "Hat Guy.
" - It's "Fat Guy.
" - Hey, Mike, have you given any thought to that thing that we talked about? I think it would be really good for Ellen if we adopted another baby from China.
Wendy, we're barely makin' ends meet, and ever since the Felix Wade piece, Buzzfeed's been climbing up my ass.
Somehow they got the idea I'm a good writer.
- And I'm not! - I gotta go help Ellen with her Mandarin.
All right.
Ellen, ni hao! That means "hello," Mike.
- WENDY: Have fun, baby.
- LIZZIE: Hey, Fat Guy.
Did I hear you're having trouble meeting your article quota? Maybe.
You interested in some study buddies? Didn't I used to be Hat Guy? I think it was always Fat Guy.
(air brakes hiss) Oh, wow! What a crowd! Hi! - I hope you'll vote for me.
- KENT: "Caucus.
" - They don't know what that word is.
- Good point.
Hi, Mom! Don't tell me.
Are these all of your children? - Yes, they are.
- That's a busy beaver.
- Yes.
- Yes, indeed.
Hey, kids.
Were you all just petting the animals? - KIDS: Yes.
- Great.
- Where's Kemi? - Senator Talbot is currently using her campaign app - to host a digital town hall.
- KEMI: woman of color Jesus-hashtag-Christ.
- Do we even have an app? - Of course we do, ma'am.
The current version only asks for donations and, for some reason, deletes your address book.
Technically, it's more of a virus.
I had it but had to delete it because it was making my phone hot.
Hello! Yes! Yeah! Madam President, I have a question and two follow-ups.
You do? How do you feel about Governor Calhoun accusing you of being unfit for office because of your complicity in your husband's alleged crimes? He's my ex-husband, Mike, and I think we're all getting pretty tired of these cheap personal attacks.
Perhaps that kind of thing - plays well in "Nevahda" - Nevada.
Nevada, but I challenge Governor Calhoun, and the other candidates, to, uh, to join me in a "non-negative" pledge.
I think it's time to start talking about the issues that affect real Americans.
Thank you.
Wow, Mike, you said an actual thing.
How the fuck did that happen? It's like "Flowers for Algernon.
" I understand that reference now.
It's a book.
Oh, by the way, have you seen Andrew? I gotta get ahold of him.
I'm startin' to think he's rippin' me off.
STEPHANIE: What we do at Crawford Bloom Associates, we work with high profile clients like yourself to make sure that not only are they understood, but, more importantly, never misunderstood.
We want you to put your best foot forward - and not in your mouth.
- Exactly.
That's a good one.
I like that.
- I like these guys.
- STEPHANIE: OK, so, you went to the fair yesterday.
- (Jonah laughing) - Yeah.
Let's talk about the specific incident that brought you to us.
- Oh, yeah, the retarded thing.
- Yes.
Exactly.
Now, when you said that word, Congressman, is there, I don't know, another word that you could have used, had the same meaning? - There's no wrong answers.
- Nope.
Um mentally retarded? No, that that's wrong.
I see where your head is at, though, and you are technically correct.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- DANNY: Yes.
And technically also, though, you see how you're still using the same form of the hurtful word? You're feeling what I'm saying? Yeah, not really.
Can I get another bagel? It might be a great time to introduce a new strategy that we have developed here called "360 degree perspective-taking.
" Oh, God, is that like math? Actually, it's just a way of using empathy to help avoid hurting other people's feelings.
(laughs) That's so gay.
- Um, what? - Excuse me? Oh, guys, come on.
I didn't mean like gay gay or like "This guy and his husband are gay.
" I meant gay like, uh, mentally retarded.
OK.
You know what? Ah, Stephanie, I need a minute, I just need one minute.
- I'm so sorry.
Thank you.
- JONAH: OK.
Yeah.
Is this guy on his fuckin' period? What is Ow! (knocking on door) My dumb slit sister was supposed to be my abortion ride, but now, of course, she is nowhere to be found, so I'm - Oh.
That makes sense.
- DAN: Yeah.
Well, would you mind? Unless you plan on fucking her again while she's passed out.
She doesn't call that rape, by the way, that's just regular sex to her.
- I will get my keys.
- Thank you.
SOPHIE: Don't wear white pants! RICHARD: Big news, ma'am.
Governor Calhoun announced that he's signed onto your non-negative pledge.
Oh, what a pussy.
KENT: Ma'am, every candidate has made the non-negative pledge, including Tom James and Kemi.
Look at you! You've got chocolate all over your face like a child, but you're an adult! Adorable! Also, the dog mayor of Lurlene has passed away.
- I'm sorry, Richard.
- Oh, my God.
- What? Who? - The dog that I, uh Oh.
No.
We should probably send someone to the funeral.
Well, make Amy go.
Where is that Fatty McFatty hiding today? She aborted her unborn fetus.
Dock her a day's pay then.
Richard, do you want to go? It would be my honor to attend.
(rifle popping) Winner.
Honey, I think that's enough.
These are clearly made with child labor.
- Hold this.
- MAN: What are you, some kind of Green Beret? I was an agricultural advisor.
Nothing more.
(protesters shouting) WOMAN: Abortion is murder! Keep your head down, Ames.
I'll part the redneck sea.
DAN: All right, all right, back up.
Make some room.
Psalm 106! Think of the innocent children! - Oh! You want me to think - No, no, no, no, no, no.
About the children, you hog-fingering fucks? Well, I did think about this.
I considered it, and I cried, and yeah, suck my cock, I even prayed a little, and here I am.
So you can back the fuck off, you hypocritical cunts, before I show up to the piss puddle that is your house and protest your husband whacking it to your daughter's seventh grade yearbook.
That sign's misspelled.
- Come on, Dan.
- Yes.
Yes.
And I hope you'll all caucus for Selina Meyer.
New Selina Now.
- (ring clanks) - Ohh! Darn it.
- OK.
Yeah? - Ma'am.
(whispers) Kemi killed her boyfriend.
What? How is this not all over the news? Her records were sealed.
She was 16.
She accidentally hit him with her Volkswagen Cabriolet.
She is an actual murderer?! (laughing) Yes! Who drives an import! Oh, my God! I think I'm gonna cry.
We gotta spread this news like Kemi's boyfriend's guts all over the pavement! Actually, he was decapitated.
- Here.
You do this.
- Ma'am.
Ma'am.
We can't use this.
Social media is exploding with praise for your non-negative pledge.
Well, why did you morons let me do that? - (clank) - MAN: Winner.
- (Selina gasps) - (crowd oohs) Oh! I did it! I did it! - Here you go, ma'am.
- Thank you.
Enjoy the rest of your day at the Waterloo County Fair.
Thank you.
I don't want this.
OK.
Is there any way we can accuse Kemi of murdering her boyfriend, but in a positive way? Madam President! Guess your age? Guess your weight? Oh.
Um (laughs) - OK.
What was that? - (Gary mutters) - Where's Secret Service? - Just came out of nowhere.
WOMAN: OK, Ms.
Brookheimer, I do need to warn you about some of the surgical risks involved.
Infection, bleeding, uterine perforation.
Yep, 10-4.
Body's a wonderland.
Can I just sign the consent form? Per Iowa law, I do have to offer you the option of viewing the ultrasound.
Less talk, more abortion.
Patient has declined.
I am as sure as I will be.
OK.
We're gonna give you some medicine now to help you relax.
(chuckles) Oh, yeah? You got any of those darts they use on rampaging circus animals? No need.
Everyone's always telling me to relax and I'm not good at relaxing.
Well, I don't want to relax 'cause I hate relaxing so - Ooh.
- Ahh.
There you go, tough guy.
- Very good.
- NURSE: Mm-hmm.
Is that the Berkeley VC-10? That's like the Shelby Cobra GT of vag-vacs.
I'm sorry, who is this man? (sing-songy) That's Dan.
Yeah, I'm the proud father-to-not-be.
- Here ya go, ma'am.
- Uh-huh.
- Madam President.
- SELINA: Yes.
And the crowd goes wild.
What is up with the Clubfoot Cunt-tessa? I think she's worried that you might beat her up in the girls' bathroom, - give her a swirly.
- Oh, no.
(laughing) Yeah, you would've.
OK.
You know what? - Can you just - Sure.
Yeah.
Madam President, I do believe that we are literally and figuratively out to pasture.
Oh, God, it's really too bad, 'cause I've got something so juicy on Ms.
Post-Racial America.
- How juicy? - I mean, fresh-squeezed Billy Carter juicy.
But I can't use it, - unless - Unless he wondered.
Unless.
.
, you wanted to break the pledge first.
You want me to go back on your word.
No.
Forget it.
This never works.
- What am I thinking? - No, no, no, no.
Selina, listen, you got no reason to trust me, based on Yeah.
Trying to screw me out of the presidency, then trying to actually screw me, then screwing me, then writing a book about screwing me.
- Also discussed it on television.
- Lovely.
- If I go negative on Kemi - Yeah.
Once she's gone The party's stuck with us.
Like it's supposed to be.
JONAH: And that is why I know I'm wrong and I would like to apologize for the hurtful words that I used.
And not just because there was a camera.
TEDDY: Although if there is a tape, we would appreciate it and any copies of that tape to pray and reflect on.
Come on, guys.
(scoffs) Are you deaf? (mocking deaf people) Did you not hear what he was saying? What is wrong with you? Are you fuckin' retarded?! - Oh, my God! - Ohh I am so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- No, no, no.
It's OK.
- I'm so sorry.
I accept your apology.
(clears throat) - I really love that sweater.
- Thank you.
JONAH: One voter at a time, Teddy.
BETH: But Jonah, there were two of them.
I know.
I have left literally hundreds of messages, none of which you've returned, which is why I am writing this email, Andrew - Hey, Mike.
You good? - Actually, I'm under a little bit of pressure.
My wife wants to adopt a new kid and my old boss's ex-husband maybe stole our life savings, so I'm trying to write him a letter but I can't focus on anything 'cause it's so dirty in here, and bright, and, oddly, windy, right? Hey, do you have any more of those "concentratey" pills? Yeah, no, I think you've had enough.
Thank you! "I've had enough, Andrew! Mike McLintock has had enough!" CATHERINE: This is a pretty good turnout for a dog funeral.
I mean, even the governor's here.
Who are all these people? Novelty mayors are Iowa's number one source of tourism.
After tornado-chasing.
And coming into town to buy Sudafed.
- Is that a mayor as well? - (laughs) That's just a cat.
Could you imagine? (laughs) - This isn't Nebraska.
- JUDGE SACKETT: Richard.
Can I speak with you after the service? Of course, Judge.
How's the search for the new successor? Sadly, the mayor was fixed and cloning was too expensive.
That's what I want to talk to you about.
Would you like me to neuter the new mayor? We're being sued by the sensitivity trainers.
Joke's on them, because you can't sue the president.
Jonah, I know this is just the undercard debate, - but it's still important.
- Well, hello! Oh, no.
Jonah, you should've worn a costume.
What the fuck? I gotta debate Dumbledong? Listen, OK.
He's just the protest candidate.
Ignore him.
What's most important is, you have to be more PC than a clit ring made out of wheatgrass.
Don't worry about it.
I got it handled.
I wrote down all the words not to say.
OK, that'll work.
(music playing) WOMAN: Welcome back to tonight's debate featuring candidates polling between 5% and not-statistically significant.
I'm Brie Ramachandran-Shulhoff.
Let's turn our attention to foreign policy, - Congressman Ryan.
- Bring it on, Brie.
Your question is about Africa.
- Pass.
- With China challenging American hegemony across the African continent, should we adopt a more aggressive policy of forward deployment by sending U.
S.
ground troops into countries like Niger? I'm sorry, you can't say that.
I mean, only he can say that.
Say what, "Niger"? It doesn't matter how you pronounce it, we now know that it is wrong.
Congressman, I think you're confused.
She's referring to the African nation - African American nation.
- of Niger.
(whispers) Jesus, Clark, you're standing right next to the guy.
What did he say? No, he said it, not me.
But for the record, I think that the United States should send troops into countries like N-word, and I think it would be best if those troops were black.
Can I just say, making friends overseas - is powerful magic.
- (crowd applauding) You ask him any question, it's gonna be "powerful magic.
" I'm gonna ask him a question.
What's your solution to fix our failing public education system? Well, longer school years, free breakfast and magic! - Oh, come on.
- (crowd applauding) Little Richard will be very happy for his daddy The new mayor of Lurlene.
Catherine, he won't be making memories for another 22 months.
Hey, I think that went pretty well, right? Well, I just got here, so I'm gonna say yes.
I want you to add the Dalai Lama to this list, 'cause I'm gonna be the only stiff at my funeral.
Oh, look at this.
Congressman Ryan! And this must be Mrs.
Ryan.
Or do you go by your maiden name: Mrs.
Ryan? Oh, either is fine.
No, ma'am, she's my half-sister.
- Step.
- GARY: She's his step-sister.
Madam President, Congressman Ryan, I'm glad you're both here.
It seems I have been appointed the new Mayor of Lurlene.
- Oh, congratulations! - Mayor Splizzle in the hizzle! Wow.
All right.
But don't you have to be a dog? Well, legally, yes, but it's unenforceable.
But, sadly, I have to tell you that I can no longer work for your presidential campaign.
- Of course.
I understand.
- I'll be sorry to lose you.
Uh, me too.
- KENT: (whispers) Ma'am.
- Hm? - Ma'am.
- What? Excuse me.
Yes? It seems that Mike just published a piece on Buzzfeed entitled "An Open Letter to Andrew Meyer.
" "Dear Mr.
Andrew Meyer, I have invested my entire life savings with you, and have yet to see a single dollar in return.
" What?! Mike's entire life savings? So we're talking about, what, $6? The term "Fonzie scheme" is referenced.
And the article as a whole is not cool.
Get that Benedict Ronald McDonald on the phone right now.
And find me Tom James! (cell phone ringing) (ringing) Fat Guy's phone.
SELINA: Mike, what the backstabbing fuck?! Dude, your mom's on the phone.
She sounds pissed.
(music playing) KEMI: And that's why as a woman, and a woman of color, my entire life has been training for the Oval Office.
- (applause) - If I could just add onto that - SELINA: You know, Greg - By speaking Yeah.
OK.
SELINA: I have actually sat in the Oval Office and made tough decisions Life-and-death decisions.
And believe me, the many, many accomplishments of the Meyer administration were no accident.
What? What Oh.
Did you say I'm sorry, - did you say something? OK.
- No, you're good.
No, no.
- I'd like to hop in, and just - SELINA: Which is - TOM: I think I know - All right.
What President Meyer is driving at so artfully, is that she would like me to tell you that Senator Talbot here accidentally murdered her boyfriend in a reckless car accident when she was 16 years old.
But you know what? I'm not gonna stoop to your level and say that, Selina.
I'm not I'm not sure what you mean, Senator James I guess we shouldn't be surprised at this kind of underhandedness from a woman whose husband, Andrew Meyer - Ex-husband, in fact.
- Whatever he is.
- You want to get it right.
- The two of you, according to your former press secretary, used the Meyer Fund to defraud millions of dollars from our obese children, from our adult illiterates, - from emerging democracies - Our military families.
So where you headed after this? I got a neo-Nazi on the dangle in Sweden.
Only one talking point, but they do stick to it.
Did you know that President Meyer had a heart attack a couple of years ago? Just covered it up! Well, you had a heart attack.
This was a minor prostate procedure.
If I may interject.
Please.
I think that the American people deserve more from the next president than a bunch of politics-as-usual mud-slinging.
(applause) Oh, boy.
That Kemi really has it going on.
KEMI: And it brings me no joy to revisit one of the worst events of my childhood in which, yes, I was in a car accident that killed a dear friend.
But I have looked up to President Meyer since I was a little girl, and I have heard her many, many explanations for her ex-husband's activities at the fund.
And I accept them all.
Well.
(laughs) You know, if Oh.
You do? I do.
And frankly, I'm tired of hearing about it.
- I think we all are.
- SELINA: Well, I know I am.
Thank you.
- Um, I - And as far as both of your medical issues go, - it's TMI, people, it's TMI.
- (audience laughs) And I would just like to add to that GREG: Hold that thought, Governor Calhoun.
We're gonna take a quick break and then we will be right back with more of the presidential debate live from Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa, in just a moment.
(applause) STAGEHAND: And we're clear.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! - I'm sorry, Mom.
- MAN: Back in two minutes.
You gotta help me.
Somebody's gotta tell me what to do.
Hit her with the economy.
There's no way her college loan plan can pay for itself.
Neither can mine, Ben! None of these plans can! Do you have your debate cheat sheet? - Yes, it's right here.
- All right.
Ma'am, this is your funeral blackball list.
And all of you are on it! We need to muddy her up.
Something as bad as Andrew.
- Drugs.
- Lesbianism.
Mom, Mom, stop.
OK? If you don't win, we are all gonna have to rally behind Kemi.
- Catherine, who cut your hair? - Yeah.
MAN: One minute, Madam President.
Please head back to the stage.
OK, um Olu-wakemi Talibah Talbot.
That sounds like a terrorist to me, folks.
- Talibah, Taliban.
- Taliban.
That's an old chestnut.
Mom, I am begging you as the mother of a mixed-race child Stop it! Stop! My God! I have had it with this whimpering and whining from you and your generation! It's time for you to grow a pair and man the fuck up! Not bad.
(music playing) Whether your ceiling is made of glass or covered in peeling lead paint, as a woman, and a woman of color, I want to challenge our notions of economic justice.
Senator Talbot, I met a farmer Let me tell you something about justice, Senator.
When I was coming up as a lawyer, I didn't have to remind everyone I was a woman every ten seconds because they never let me forget it.
I smiled all through the casual grabbing of my behind and all the secret meetings on the golf course that I wasn't invited to.
So how about giving a little thanks to the women like me who built the ladder that you use to get up onto your soapbox? How about for once in your life you stop whining, you stop complaining, and just man up? - Because I honestly I - (applause) Yeah, that's right, you heard me, man up.
Ya know? Let's just say it like it is.
- That's it! - (applause) All right.
All right.
If you'll just show our affection for all of our candidates Congratulations, Catherine.
(applause continues) GREG: From Drake University, this has been CNN's first Iowa presidential debate.
I'm Greg Hart.
Good night.
- (music playing) - (applause) Aw, I'm so proud of you.
Thank you.
GREG: Madam President, - may I say whoooaaa! - Thank you, Greg.
President Meyer.
- Hey! - Wonderful job.
You did it, ma'am.
God bless America for hating woman almost as much as I do.
- CROWD: Man up! Man up! Man up - Get out of my way.
AMY: She won? "Man up.
" - Huh.
- That's really good.
Who came up with that? Catherine.
How ya doin'? Feels like someone shoved a red-hot pair of barbecue tongs up my joy trail.
Oh, before I forget.
Frozen maxi-pads soaked in comfrey extract.
My own personal recipe.
That is so nice.
And also cold and disgusting.
I'm gonna need that back when you're done, 'cause Leon will pay big bucks for it.
Ohh.
Ugh.
Dan, did I make a mistake? - What if I never get - (phone chimes) (chiming, buzzing) - Yeah? - TEDDY: Ames-bo-bames.
It's Teddy Sykes.
How would you like the chance to help lead a divisive, physically repugnant underdog to historic victory? You want me to join Jonah's campaign? - Such as it is.
Whaddya say? - What? (whispers) Ask for campaign manager.
I would need to be campaign manager.
So you shall be.
I'm not gonna lie It's gonna be really hard and no fun.
We have got a bit of a problem.
You are in luck, because my schedule just got scraped clean.
- We will talk soon.
- Yes! Get up! We have something to celebrate.
- Nice.
- Mm.
Yeah.
Five minutes.
See? When you do good things, good things happen to good people.
I'm such a good person.
Ma'am, I was hoping I could have some more responsibilities - SELINA: Yes! - Yes! Can you make me a waxing appointment? - I'm feeling patriotic.
- Full bald eagle.
I just found out from my stupid stepfather TEDDY: Father-in-law! From my stupid stepfather-in-law, that math was created by Muslims.
How are we doing with non-college educated whites? - Look at this.
- KENT: Underwater, ma'am.
Then how about college educated whites? In South Carolina, that is not a significant slice of the pie.
I would really love to be able to count on your endorsement.
You gonna make me say it? We got race in the race.