Benidorm (2007) s07e04 Episode Script
Series 7, Episode 4
Morning! Oh, morning! Have you recovered? Recovered? From last night! Your Geoff He got a bit upset.
Did he? Don't you remember? You mean the quiz.
Oh, you know how competitive he gets.
No.
That wasn't him upset.
He once met the bloke who sets The Times crossword, and he threw him under a bus! Threw him under a bus?! Was it moving? Well, his wife got a bit teary.
No! I meant, was the bus moving? Oh, no.
It were in the York Transport Museum.
He's not a psychopath.
Er How's Ronald? Ronald? Your husband! Oh! You mean Donald! That's it.
He's fine.
He's on holiday in France.
Oh! We're nearly out of sunscreen.
What side do you want your towel? Oh, I can't lie down on there.
I think I'll get some breakfast.
My back's in absolute agony after last night.
Morning.
Morning! Who's that? Oh, that's Glynn.
Donald's on holiday with his wife, Rhiannon.
Oh, I see! So, you've done, like, a swap.
Yeah.
Just for a week, you know! He didn't look very happy about it.
Well, I think he's a bit bored, sitting round the pool.
He's a very physical man.
Is he, now? Oh, yes! Right! I'd better get something hot inside me.
Glynn says he's gonna run me ragged today! Oh! Good luck! See ya.
Go away! Housekeeping! What are you doing? I said go away! Well, I thought we needed a breakfast meeting.
So I brought a selection of cereals, a jug of juice and two full English.
I don't want all that! That's for me.
Liam's brought you a croissant.
No butter! We know you're watching your figure! How dare you burst in here? I could've been naked! Don't worry.
Liam looks 12, but he's seen it all before, haven't you, love? Well The doctor says you're doing OK, but he needs to know what was in that injection.
I'm off to the Chinese shop with the box to see if he can translate it.
I've cancelled all today's appointments.
You are our priority.
Liam, four sausages? Are you trying to kill me? You asked for them! Oh, you're looking so much better than you did last night.
I haven't slept a wink.
I can't help feeling partly responsible.
Partly responsible?! You repeatedly injected my face with an unknown substance bought from the Chinese pound shop! It's euros! Shut up.
Sorry! It could've been anything! I've just seen a woman on the internet who nearly died when her face was injected with petrol! We wouldn't have done that.
Not with the price of petrol these days.
That's why I'm off to get a translation.
And remember, love, don't go in all guns blazing.
They're a very proud people, the Chinese.
They will be devastated if they've given us something dangerous by mistake.
Oh! Konnichiwa.
Ahh! He's like the Kofi Annan of Benidorm.
How's the wounded soldier? Right, that's it.
Get out, all of you.
Get out! I just wanted to ask, while you're incapacitated, shall I assume the position of acting manageress? After the pig's ear you made of it last time? You must be joking! Somebody's got to be in charge, else we're all gonna descend into chaos.
This place is in chaos 24/7! Do you really think anybody's going to notice a difference? Now, get out! I've left you a sausage.
Get out! It's not actually bad, this food.
You reckon? Well, there's plenty of it.
That's the problem with all-you-can-eat.
You keep wanting to go back for more.
Oh! Back in a minute.
What's going on there? Auntie Terri shagged the barman last night.
Oh, dear God! What's wrong with that? She's on her holidays.
She's single.
What if they try and sue us? Why would they sue us? I dunno.
Mental anguish? Listen, about last night Don't worry.
It's water under the bridge.
You what? I accept your apology.
It's not a problem.
I didn't apologise! Oh.
I was just gonna ask you if you wanted to join me in making a formal complaint.
About what? Basically, I'm on the board of directors for the UK Pub Quiz Watchdog Committee.
Now, we don't have a lot of jurisdiction in Europe, but I'm pretty sure I can get a strongly worded caution emailed over to 'em by the end of today.
What you going on about? He wants to complain about the quiz last night.
Basically.
Oh, yeah? What - conducting a quiz without due care and attention? I think they should all be lined up against the wall and shot.
And their families made to watch.
Excellent! Glad we're on the same page.
I'm Geoff.
People call me The Oracle.
Clive.
This is my son, Tiger.
Cool.
Maybe we can all grab a cold one together over lunch.
Not often I meet someone as passionate about quizzing as myself.
Lovely.
Laters.
Oh, my God! What a dick! I just wanna say, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
I have never been to Vegas.
No.
It's a saying.
I know, but I have still never been to Vegas.
I meant it about me and you, last night in Benidorm.
Then, why didn't you say "in Benidorm"? Because "what happens in Benidorm stays in Benidorm" isn't a saying.
It's "what happens in" Bloody hell, you're hard work, you! Listen, I have to be careful nobody hears this.
That is what I'm saying! I realise you can get in trouble, you know, for fraternising with the guests, so I'm here to tell you you've got this one on tap.
On tap? Yeah, baby.
If you want another slice of Mamma's pie, you just call room service, and I'll deliver it straight to your door, all hot and steaming .
.
no questions asked.
You blackmail me and make me sleep with you so I can keep my job.
So now I have eaten the pie and feel lucky I did not get food poisoning, even though the pie was out of date! You can't say that to me! I wanna speak to your boss.
Have you seen this email? Temple-Savage has put YOU in charge.
What? I know! It's unbelievable! I am the boss? Not exactly the boss, but she's put you in charge while she's not feeling well.
Excuse me.
I have to leave now, but if you have any complaints, well, make sure you ask for the boss.
Lesley, I will be in my office.
It is just not possible.
Sorry.
What part of this don't you understand? I want to exchange currency.
Money.
You know - money! Buenos dias! There is a complication? I need to exchange some money.
I am begging your pardons.
My name is Mr Castellanos.
I am being the manager of the hotel.
I am in charge of the hotel - the entire hotel.
Manager, top position.
There is nobody higher.
Euros.
I need euros.
This is not being a problem.
Please furniture me with the key of your room.
I'm not staying here! Ah! Then, we have a slight drawbridge.
The change of currency is only for residentials.
May I suggest you try Lucky Kev's money exchange in the caravan park? But a world of warning - he has the sticky fingers.
If you don't change this money now, I'm gonna take that donkey and shove it up your - What are you doing here?! Liam! I wanted to surprise you! Go inside.
I'll make us a cup of tea.
Do you know this crazy woman? Yeah, I do.
She's my mother.
Problem is not to translate, but I don't know the words.
You don't need a Chinese restaurant.
You need a Chinese doctor.
I know.
Don't suppose you got a doctor in your family? Of course.
My sister.
But she is living outside of Benidorm.
How far outside Benidorm? About 10,000 kilometre.
She in China.
I make joke! Hilarious.
What are you doing? I'm taking my box back! Wait.
Sit down.
You are lucky man.
I have incredible special ability with my sister.
If I hold something in my hand, like this, she can see it, even though she in Beijing.
How'd you do that? It's called iPhone! Heh-heh.
Very good.
Oh! I send by email.
She always answer in ten, 15 minute.
You wanna buffet while you wait? No, I better not.
I just had a very late breakf- Ooh, bloody 'ell! That smells gorgeous.
Go on, then.
Just one plateful! OK.
Email sent.
Remember, Kenneth, Mr Wu's golden rule - don't eat like a big fat pig, or you put me out of business! Lunatic! There you go.
Very strong, no milk, no sugar.
Try not to look too excited to see me.
You don't return my emails or texts.
I gave up trying to ring you.
I'm not a bit surprised to see you tip up in Spain unannounced.
Emails? Texts? You know I don't understand them.
I'm here to see YOU, love.
I miss you.
No, you don't.
What do you want? Don't you speak to me like that.
I'm your mother.
Son, it's time to come home.
I am home.
This is where I live.
You can't fritter your life away on your own in this dump.
You need to be with a family.
I'm with my dad.
From what I've heard about him, no wonder you're sitting here in a pinny doing women's hair.
What does that mean? Look, I know I've not been in touch recently, but I've not had time.
My feet have hardly touched the ground.
I've met someone.
I'm very happy for you.
Do you want a biscuit with that? He's called Mad Dog.
Beautiful name.
Well, his real name's Alan.
Naturally.
But he's a real character.
He's got his own debt-collecting business in Oldham.
Earns 150K a year.
You'd love him! He sounds a delight.
Are you taking the piss? Mother, I live in Spain! I'm very happy.
My boss is like a brother.
Me and my dad have never been closer.
My life is here now.
Alan says, if you come back, he'll guarantee you a job for life.
People will always be in debt, son.
Oh, what a lovely thought! Well? What do you say? Collecting debts in Oldham with a man called Mad Dog? It's a dream come true! £30K a year, and your own van? You're not kidding.
Yeah, I'm taking the piss! I'm not impressed with the way you've turned out.
You must be surrounded by very bad influences.
You could say the feeling's mutual.
Everything all right, son? Mateo said you had a .
.
a visitor! Well, well, well.
I wouldn't have believed it had I not seen it with my own eyes.
The great Les Conroy! Thank Christ the people who came to our wedding can't see you now.
Look in the mirror, Les.
Just look at yourself! Call yourself a father! You're a disgrace! You look like a melting clown.
It's good to see you, Gloria.
You've lost weight.
About 12 stone of ugly fat when I left you.
And your hair's amazing, too! I'm jealous.
You're a freak of nature.
Your skin's good, as well.
You're really looking after yourself.
Do you actually go outside looking like that? I don't know how long you're here for, Gloria, but for every negative, hurtful, poisonous thing you say to me, I'll try and say something positive to you.
Because you think you're better than me? No.
Because I live a wonderful life in the sunshine, with a job I like, and friends I cherish, and a devoted son I adore.
It only seems fair to try and give some of the love back.
See you 'round.
Drop the latch when you leave.
Is it much further? Just round this corner.
A little exercise won't do you any harm.
Consider it a warm-up.
It's not the exercise I'm bothered about.
It's just this path is so narrow that every time a lorry goes past, you look like you're either gonna get sucked off or end up in somebody's bush.
We're here! Oh, what's the date today? Oh, I don't know! It's the 15th! Oh, blast! There's a local league game on.
What does that mean? It means we can't play! Oh, well! We'll just have to watch! Come.
You wanted to see me, Miss Temple-Savage? Er, yes, thank you, Mateo.
I just wanted to Everything is OK? Yes, everything is O- You scrub up well! Scrub? It means you look very nice.
Oh! I am thanking your most kind words and your hospital gratitude.
Hospital? I I just wanted to check you were OK being in charge.
It's just for the day.
I can persuade you to put all of your optical confidence inside me.
Why are you talking like that? Like what? Well rubbish! If I am to be scaling mismanagement, I am requiring words of a higher calibrate.
But you're using all the wrong words, and not in the right order.
Mateo, just be yourself, OK? OK.
I will be myself.
Good.
Now, can you go and find Kenneth? He was supposed to be coming straight back.
No problem.
Oh Thank you for this most respicious opportunity.
Just go away.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So, what kind of building do you do? You name it, we build it.
A pyramid.
Eh? You said, "Name it and we build it.
" No.
I mean houses, flats, that sort of thing.
It's a minefield, innit? Yeah, well, I been in the game a long time, so I know my way round.
Nah.
I mean the English language.
Right What is it you do again? Well It's really difficult to put into actual words what I do.
Which is ironic, really, cos words ARE what I do.
Right.
I've no idea what you're talking about.
I've been called a swami, a guru I suppose a lot of people would say I'm a life coach.
Right.
My son could do with one of them.
Any time you want me to speak to him - I wouldn't bother.
I've tried that.
Nah.
What you've probably tried to do is promote your own ideals and values.
As Mr Miyagi said, "There's no such thing as a bad student, only a bad teacher.
" Well, I can't really blame his teachers.
No.
I mean you! Oh, thanks! A kid learns the most when he thinks he's not being taught.
I'll give you a shout in a bit, show you what I mean.
Yeah.
I can't wait.
Kenneth? Kenneth! KENNETH! Oh, sorry! Didn't hear you.
That's OK.
You were in what we call BSA - buffet suspended animation.
Food here at Mr Wu so delicious, it make your taste buds work overtime, and affect other senses.
Either that, or you just big, fat, greedy pig.
Very funny.
That's twice you've called me that.
You like the capado chicken? Which one was that? Is this one.
Oh, my God, that was gorgeous.
What is in that beautiful red sauce? A secret.
But whatever in it, you better wipe from around your mouth, or you look like Buffet the Vampire.
You get it? Not Buffy the Vampire.
Chinese Buffet the Vampire! Yeah.
Very funny.
So, what did your sister say? Oh, yeah! I forgot about that! Wait a minute.
OK.
What she say is, she bought a new carpet for her living room, but she wanna change it.
She also new car! Oh! She got a Buick! They must've got rid of their Citroen.
The ingredients in the medicine! Wait.
I think she getting to that.
Ahh, her friend Lucy got a new dog.
Oh! Ah, that's why she wanna change carpet.
For God's sake! I've got to get back to work! Check yourself before you wreck yourself! You not in hurry when you chomping on Mr Wu's po-pos, huh? That does sound funny! Hilarious.
OK.
Ah.
Oh! "Content is basically canine drug used to cause temporary paralysis for medical reasons.
" Did you just say "canine"? Oh, God! What you been using this for? I injected it into my boss's face! No.
No.
Serious.
What did you do with this? Oh, shit! Thanks, Mr Wu.
I better get back and ring that doctor again.
Kenneth! It's not a doctor you need.
What you need is a vet.
Hey! No! Six euro for the buffet.
Kenneth! I haven't got my bum bag with me.
I'll pay you tomorrow.
He eat enough for five people, and he pay for nothing! Typical! "It's not a doctor you need, it's a vet.
" I didn't think it'd be this exciting! Oh, it's a great game, pelota, and they take it so seriously! Mmm! Bloody 'ell! That nearly took my head off! If you're in the crowd, you're legally part of the game.
I once saw a supporter screaming from the stands, when the ball whizzed across the court, and he swallowed it! The things those players did to that poor man to get their ball back! Made MY eyes water, never mind his.
Agh! Oh, dear, oh, dear! This does not look good.
What's he saying? He's saying, "My ankle, my ankle.
" What do you think's wrong with him? I think he's hurt his ankle.
Mm.
Oh! What's going on now? Well, that man wants his sub to carry on, but the official is saying he can't, because he isn't from Polop.
He's not from what? Polop.
It's the local village.
This match is between Polop and Benidorm.
I live in Polop! I thought you lived in Wales! Ssh! You live in Polop? Yes.
My wife and I just moved there.
OK.
Looks like I'm going to get a game after all! Hurry up! Change those ridiculous shoes.
Ridiculous?! Oh, thank you! Viva Polop! This is exciting! Your husband, he can play? Well, he's very good at volleyball, but he's in France.
Oh! That husband! Yeah! Oh, yeah.
He's really good.
Oof! Hello! You're not here on your own, are you? Well, not really.
I'm visiting my son.
Oh, I see.
I'm just scouting around for a ping-pong partner.
I'm sorry? Well, I'm here with my son, too.
But he's very competitive, whereas I just love being knee-deep in schat.
Knee-deep in what? Chat! You know, banter.
Oh! Right.
Can I ask you a question? Fire away.
As a customer at this hotel, do you think that's right? Do I think what's right? Staff being allowed to dress up like pantomime dames! Do you know who the best dame in the business was? Danny La Rue! A close personal friend of my late husband! Yeah.
Well, that is MY late husband.
So, how do you think I feel? I don't know how you feel.
You certainly sound pretty angry to me.
I reckon, if what you do makes you happy, and it isn't hurting anyone else, go for it! Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all go through life with rose-tinted spectacles like you? Yeah.
Yes, it would.
Les! We need to talk.
We don't have anything to say to each other.
If you genuinely care about our son, you'll listen to me.
I'm listening.
Not here.
Somewhere private.
Follow me.
Om Listen, I'm going back.
What you talking about? This is for your benefit.
How'd you work that out? This is character-building! Oh, there you are! What's going on? He's gonna walk across burning-hot coals.
Oh, no! Geoff, not with your bunions! Please listen to me, son.
He can't hear you.
He's in some sort of trance.
Aaaargh! They're burning! IT'S BURNING! Then, get off it, you great twat.
It's stuck in my foot! Get it out, somebody! Get it out! I ain't touching it.
We need some salad tongs.
Aaargh! Get out of the way! Get out the way! What are you lot looking at? I'm listening.
I'll come to the point.
I've offered Liam a job, a flat and a new life in the UK.
I could see he was tempted.
Well, who wouldn't want 30 grand a year, plus pension, not to mention a company car? But he didn't take it.
I know why.
Because he's got a life here.
You may dress like a fool, Les, but don't act like one.
What sort of a life is this? Scrabbling around trying to make ends meet, living off all-inclusive leftovers, drinking during the day There's only one thing stopping him going back to the UK.
You.
He's a grown man.
He does what he wants to do.
Oh, wake up and smell the coffee, Les! There's nothing for him here.
I'm here.
And what an example you are to him! I can't make him go if he doesn't want to.
No.
You're wrong.
Don't ask me to explain why, but he'd do anything for you.
I won't do it.
I think you will.
What's this? £10,000.
It's yours.
Convince Liam he has to go back and live in the UK.
You've got to be joking! This way you get what's best for both of you.
I couldn't look at him and tell him I didn't want him! So, write him a letter.
£10,000 is a lot of money.
You could sort out all your finances and still have plenty to live on.
I can't.
Les denying yourself £10,000 makes you an idiot.
But denying your only son the life and career he deserves makes you something much, much worse.
It's not about the money.
It's about Liam's future.
Look at your life now.
Is this what you want for your son when he's 60? Oh! There's one thing more.
For the remaining time that Liam's still here, you'll stop all this ridiculous dressing up.
It's one thing embarrassing yourself.
But from now on, you do what's best for Liam.
Do we have a deal? Get out.
You know it makes sense.
You're doing the right thing, Les.
This clown is going to lose our match.
There is another person from Polop here.
There's no-one.
I ask everyone.
Me! You? Yeah! Glynn's from Polop, and, if you remember, I'm Glynn's wife, so that means I live in Polop, as well.
Neither of you lives in Polop.
How do you know that? Polop is a small village.
I know every British person living there.
Plus, if you live in Polop, why are you wearing a Benidorm hotel wristband? I'm also Middlesbrough volleyball mixed-doubles champion six years in a row.
Arbitro! Cambio! Tu! Go on! OK! Sorry.
Come and watch.
Watch? You can't pull me off! I'm just about to come into my own! If I had a euro every time I heard that! It is good? Yeah.
OK.
Viva Polop! Whoa! A vet? I don't wanna be seen by a vet! How rude! Juan's come all the way from Finestrat! I don't care if he's come from Fleetwood! I'm not being examined by a vet! She gets excitable around strangers, but she doesn't bite.
Kenneth! I'm only joking.
He doesn't need to examine you - just give you a shot to counteract the rabies injection I gave you.
Rabies?! You've got to be joking! She has no symptoms, apart from the paralysis? Excuse me! I do speak English! Not that I know of.
No excessive panting or whining? Oh! Now you come to mention it, there has been a lot of whining.
And she's been pulling herself along by her front paws, dragging her bum across the grass.
I'm only messing! You have injected me in the face with something you give to dogs that have rabies?! Which begs the question, why are you frothing at the mouth? Out of here, now! Do you have any rope to tie up the hind legs? In my room, but that's three floors down.
Hold them! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! OK! We need to swap positions.
Get round the head.
Those teeth look sharp.
Will you stop talking about me like this? I'm not an animal! I'm a human being! Aaarrgh! Ssh, ssh, ssh.
Muy bueno.
There you are! I've been looking for you.
Slow day at work? I'm having a late lunch.
Son, we appear to have got off on the wrong foot.
Yes, you do.
I don't hate your dad.
I'm just frustrated he's holding you back.
What do you mean? That's why I'm offering you a fresh start in the UK.
I don't want one! What would you say if I offered you a fresh start here? What would I want to live here for? Exactly! Liam, why don't we have tea together tonight? What, with Mad Dog? No, no.
He's on a shooting weekend in Madrid.
Oh! What's he shooting - people in debt? Don't be daft.
Birds, small animals, that sort of thing.
I don't think Mad Dog and I are gonna get along.
Why not? It's just a feeling.
Me and you, tonight.
Eight o'clock.
I'm staying at the Belroy.
They do a lovely a la carte.
I will have dinner with you - in Neptune's, eight o'clock.
And then, tomorrow .
.
I want you to go home, and leave me and my dad in peace.
We'll see.
Eight o'clock.
Eight o'clock.
Right.
I know it's been difficult without me, but I'm back.
Back at work.
Back in the game.
Are you all back? You never went anywhere.
Miss Temple-Savage, are you OK? Why are you dressed like an undertaker? Did somebody die? I have been manager while you were not well.
Do you not remember? You? Manager? You couldn't manage a fart without shitting yourself.
I'm hungry.
I'm so hungry! I'm going to get some food.
Anybody want any food? Well, it's good that Joyce is back on form.
She's climbing the walls! What have you done to her? You have given her something.
She was feeling a bit groggy after her visit from the vet - the doctor, so I slipped a few uppers into her Bovril.
She'll be fine! What is Bovril? Well! It's not exactly the Belroy, but I was gonna say I've eaten in worse places, but I'm not sure I have.
He's quite funny, Geoff, isn't he? Geoff? The Oracle.
Depends what you mean by funny.
Weird, laughable, an embarrassment - that kind of funny, yeah.
Your problem is, you're threatened by another alpha male.
Alpha male?! He's on holiday with his mum! He's more of a man than you'll ever be.
Oh, my God! And you fancy him.
You do! You fancy him! He's not my usual type, but he does have a vulnerable quality to him.
What, with his burned feet? Hello! It's Theresa, isn't it? Yeah.
Terri.
I must say, I was thrilled when Geoff told me that you'd asked us to join you for dinner.
He'll be down in a minute.
I've just got to go and wash my hands.
For the past half hour, I've been creaming his feet.
See you in a jiffy! Creaming his feet? The thing is, Liam, I think your dad has finally come to his senses, and not before time.
What do you mean? Well, it came as quite a shock, but he asked to see me this afternoon, and well, basically, he thinks that you should move back to the UK, with me.
Why would he say that? I admit he's changed his tune pretty quick, but he said you both need to Oh, what was his phrase? "Wake up and smell the coffee.
" He doesn't like coffee.
He thinks you should take the job, with proper career prospects, and he's taking stock of his life, too.
And he's gonna stop all that dressing up and making a fool of himself.
How stupid do you think I am? What's that got to do with anything? Those are your words, not my dad's.
Ask him yourself.
I will! I think you're putting words into his mouth.
Me and your dad were married for 20 years.
I know him better than he knows himself.
Liam, sometimes, no matter how late in life, people do eventually grow up.
This is for you.
Liam, the gentleman's got something for you.
No.
It's for you.
Hello! I have work to do.
# The moment I wake up # Before I put on my make-up # I say a little # Prayer for you # While combing my hair, now # And wondering what dress to wear, now # Wear now # I say a little # Prayer for you # Forever # Forever Forever And ever You'll stay in my heart # And I will love you # Forever # And ever Hello? Well, I must say, this was a good idea.
Safety in numbers, that's what I say! Although I once did have a holiday here on my own.
Oh, yeah? How was that? Oh, it was an absolute stinker.
I mean, Geoff's in-laws were here, and I chummed up with them for a bit.
But I don't think I'll be doing that again.
You're married? Separated.
Well - never married, to be honest.
Although we do have a son, Py.
See him every other weekend.
You got a son called Pie? What, as in "steak and kidney"? No! As in Pythagoras.
You called your son Pythagoras? Yeah.
Why? Nothing.
Pythagoras is my favourite of all the Greek philosophers.
Seriously? Well, apart from Socrates.
Obvs! I used to love all that at school.
All what? Ancient Greek philosophy.
The nearest you got to ancient Greece was having a kebab on a Saturday night after 12 pints.
Hello! Oh, this is ridiculous! Same again? Oh, lovely.
Yeah.
I'm fine.
I'll help you.
I can manage to bring back four drinks on my own.
I said, I'll help you! Miss Temple-Savage, you are sure you're OK? When bleeding a radiator, it is essential to have a third party to keep an eye on the boiler gauge.
It's essential.
Maybe you need to lie down for a while.
I was once taken up the Valley of the Kings by a close relation of Alan Whicker.
No regrets! Although I did get to meet David Yip, the Chinese Detective.
I didn't realise it was him till we were halfway home in a taxi! OK Listen.
I am going now, but if you need anything, please let me know.
The group! Group? I didn't book the group for tonight! It's OK.
We can just do karaoke.
Karaoke? Not on my watch, soldier.
Is that what Vera Lynn told the troops in 1940? "Sing it yourself?" I'll do my Yma Sumac from my old Ashby-de-la-Zouch days.
They won't know what hit them! I'm warning you, Clive! Keep your fat snout clear of my business.
What you talking about? I feel a connection with Geoff.
I'm ready for a relationship.
The only relationships you have are standing up in pub car parks.
Maybe I'll settle for that tonight.
I doubt it, not with the state his feet are in! # That's my prayer, now That's my prayer I really enjoyed today! You were right! You can do too much of lying staring at a swimming pool.
You're always going to have a degree of beginner's luck.
I think someone's jealous! Don't be ridiculous.
You are! You're jealous! No.
You're right.
Fair play to you, Jacqueline.
You played brilliantly.
Here's to a great day out! I tell you what it did, as well.
It made you forget that, while you're here, your wife is sharing a bed with my husband in the South of France.
Whoops! # Whoo! What they do in Peru # Tusurikusun viditay Whoo! So, is this really what passes for entertainment round here? Oh, I love it.
It's very Martha Graham.
What was your letter? Er, nothing.
It's, er just some details about a trip.
They do some great free trips to the waterfall.
Where's it to? No.
It's, um been cancelled.
Gloria.
Liked the song, son? You were fabulous! You off out tonight? Meeting a few of the girls up the Rich Bitch.
I'd say join us, but I don't think it's your mother's cup of tea.
I might join you.
No.
Spend time with your mother.
She's not here for long.
True.
And we've got the rest of our lives together.
You said it.
See you both tomorrow.
She's got the moves, I'll say that for her! Do you like to dance, Geoff? Not really.
I dunno.
You busted some sick moves on those hot coals today.
Oh, you weren't sick as well, were you? You've got a big day tomorrow! Oh, yeah? What's happening tomorrow, Geoff? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Oh, he does get shy! Mother Geoff's fiancee's arriving tomorrow.
# .
.
besame si, en tus brazos me quiero morir # Cholito lindo, besame # Oh # Oh Oh!
Did he? Don't you remember? You mean the quiz.
Oh, you know how competitive he gets.
No.
That wasn't him upset.
He once met the bloke who sets The Times crossword, and he threw him under a bus! Threw him under a bus?! Was it moving? Well, his wife got a bit teary.
No! I meant, was the bus moving? Oh, no.
It were in the York Transport Museum.
He's not a psychopath.
Er How's Ronald? Ronald? Your husband! Oh! You mean Donald! That's it.
He's fine.
He's on holiday in France.
Oh! We're nearly out of sunscreen.
What side do you want your towel? Oh, I can't lie down on there.
I think I'll get some breakfast.
My back's in absolute agony after last night.
Morning.
Morning! Who's that? Oh, that's Glynn.
Donald's on holiday with his wife, Rhiannon.
Oh, I see! So, you've done, like, a swap.
Yeah.
Just for a week, you know! He didn't look very happy about it.
Well, I think he's a bit bored, sitting round the pool.
He's a very physical man.
Is he, now? Oh, yes! Right! I'd better get something hot inside me.
Glynn says he's gonna run me ragged today! Oh! Good luck! See ya.
Go away! Housekeeping! What are you doing? I said go away! Well, I thought we needed a breakfast meeting.
So I brought a selection of cereals, a jug of juice and two full English.
I don't want all that! That's for me.
Liam's brought you a croissant.
No butter! We know you're watching your figure! How dare you burst in here? I could've been naked! Don't worry.
Liam looks 12, but he's seen it all before, haven't you, love? Well The doctor says you're doing OK, but he needs to know what was in that injection.
I'm off to the Chinese shop with the box to see if he can translate it.
I've cancelled all today's appointments.
You are our priority.
Liam, four sausages? Are you trying to kill me? You asked for them! Oh, you're looking so much better than you did last night.
I haven't slept a wink.
I can't help feeling partly responsible.
Partly responsible?! You repeatedly injected my face with an unknown substance bought from the Chinese pound shop! It's euros! Shut up.
Sorry! It could've been anything! I've just seen a woman on the internet who nearly died when her face was injected with petrol! We wouldn't have done that.
Not with the price of petrol these days.
That's why I'm off to get a translation.
And remember, love, don't go in all guns blazing.
They're a very proud people, the Chinese.
They will be devastated if they've given us something dangerous by mistake.
Oh! Konnichiwa.
Ahh! He's like the Kofi Annan of Benidorm.
How's the wounded soldier? Right, that's it.
Get out, all of you.
Get out! I just wanted to ask, while you're incapacitated, shall I assume the position of acting manageress? After the pig's ear you made of it last time? You must be joking! Somebody's got to be in charge, else we're all gonna descend into chaos.
This place is in chaos 24/7! Do you really think anybody's going to notice a difference? Now, get out! I've left you a sausage.
Get out! It's not actually bad, this food.
You reckon? Well, there's plenty of it.
That's the problem with all-you-can-eat.
You keep wanting to go back for more.
Oh! Back in a minute.
What's going on there? Auntie Terri shagged the barman last night.
Oh, dear God! What's wrong with that? She's on her holidays.
She's single.
What if they try and sue us? Why would they sue us? I dunno.
Mental anguish? Listen, about last night Don't worry.
It's water under the bridge.
You what? I accept your apology.
It's not a problem.
I didn't apologise! Oh.
I was just gonna ask you if you wanted to join me in making a formal complaint.
About what? Basically, I'm on the board of directors for the UK Pub Quiz Watchdog Committee.
Now, we don't have a lot of jurisdiction in Europe, but I'm pretty sure I can get a strongly worded caution emailed over to 'em by the end of today.
What you going on about? He wants to complain about the quiz last night.
Basically.
Oh, yeah? What - conducting a quiz without due care and attention? I think they should all be lined up against the wall and shot.
And their families made to watch.
Excellent! Glad we're on the same page.
I'm Geoff.
People call me The Oracle.
Clive.
This is my son, Tiger.
Cool.
Maybe we can all grab a cold one together over lunch.
Not often I meet someone as passionate about quizzing as myself.
Lovely.
Laters.
Oh, my God! What a dick! I just wanna say, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
I have never been to Vegas.
No.
It's a saying.
I know, but I have still never been to Vegas.
I meant it about me and you, last night in Benidorm.
Then, why didn't you say "in Benidorm"? Because "what happens in Benidorm stays in Benidorm" isn't a saying.
It's "what happens in" Bloody hell, you're hard work, you! Listen, I have to be careful nobody hears this.
That is what I'm saying! I realise you can get in trouble, you know, for fraternising with the guests, so I'm here to tell you you've got this one on tap.
On tap? Yeah, baby.
If you want another slice of Mamma's pie, you just call room service, and I'll deliver it straight to your door, all hot and steaming .
.
no questions asked.
You blackmail me and make me sleep with you so I can keep my job.
So now I have eaten the pie and feel lucky I did not get food poisoning, even though the pie was out of date! You can't say that to me! I wanna speak to your boss.
Have you seen this email? Temple-Savage has put YOU in charge.
What? I know! It's unbelievable! I am the boss? Not exactly the boss, but she's put you in charge while she's not feeling well.
Excuse me.
I have to leave now, but if you have any complaints, well, make sure you ask for the boss.
Lesley, I will be in my office.
It is just not possible.
Sorry.
What part of this don't you understand? I want to exchange currency.
Money.
You know - money! Buenos dias! There is a complication? I need to exchange some money.
I am begging your pardons.
My name is Mr Castellanos.
I am being the manager of the hotel.
I am in charge of the hotel - the entire hotel.
Manager, top position.
There is nobody higher.
Euros.
I need euros.
This is not being a problem.
Please furniture me with the key of your room.
I'm not staying here! Ah! Then, we have a slight drawbridge.
The change of currency is only for residentials.
May I suggest you try Lucky Kev's money exchange in the caravan park? But a world of warning - he has the sticky fingers.
If you don't change this money now, I'm gonna take that donkey and shove it up your - What are you doing here?! Liam! I wanted to surprise you! Go inside.
I'll make us a cup of tea.
Do you know this crazy woman? Yeah, I do.
She's my mother.
Problem is not to translate, but I don't know the words.
You don't need a Chinese restaurant.
You need a Chinese doctor.
I know.
Don't suppose you got a doctor in your family? Of course.
My sister.
But she is living outside of Benidorm.
How far outside Benidorm? About 10,000 kilometre.
She in China.
I make joke! Hilarious.
What are you doing? I'm taking my box back! Wait.
Sit down.
You are lucky man.
I have incredible special ability with my sister.
If I hold something in my hand, like this, she can see it, even though she in Beijing.
How'd you do that? It's called iPhone! Heh-heh.
Very good.
Oh! I send by email.
She always answer in ten, 15 minute.
You wanna buffet while you wait? No, I better not.
I just had a very late breakf- Ooh, bloody 'ell! That smells gorgeous.
Go on, then.
Just one plateful! OK.
Email sent.
Remember, Kenneth, Mr Wu's golden rule - don't eat like a big fat pig, or you put me out of business! Lunatic! There you go.
Very strong, no milk, no sugar.
Try not to look too excited to see me.
You don't return my emails or texts.
I gave up trying to ring you.
I'm not a bit surprised to see you tip up in Spain unannounced.
Emails? Texts? You know I don't understand them.
I'm here to see YOU, love.
I miss you.
No, you don't.
What do you want? Don't you speak to me like that.
I'm your mother.
Son, it's time to come home.
I am home.
This is where I live.
You can't fritter your life away on your own in this dump.
You need to be with a family.
I'm with my dad.
From what I've heard about him, no wonder you're sitting here in a pinny doing women's hair.
What does that mean? Look, I know I've not been in touch recently, but I've not had time.
My feet have hardly touched the ground.
I've met someone.
I'm very happy for you.
Do you want a biscuit with that? He's called Mad Dog.
Beautiful name.
Well, his real name's Alan.
Naturally.
But he's a real character.
He's got his own debt-collecting business in Oldham.
Earns 150K a year.
You'd love him! He sounds a delight.
Are you taking the piss? Mother, I live in Spain! I'm very happy.
My boss is like a brother.
Me and my dad have never been closer.
My life is here now.
Alan says, if you come back, he'll guarantee you a job for life.
People will always be in debt, son.
Oh, what a lovely thought! Well? What do you say? Collecting debts in Oldham with a man called Mad Dog? It's a dream come true! £30K a year, and your own van? You're not kidding.
Yeah, I'm taking the piss! I'm not impressed with the way you've turned out.
You must be surrounded by very bad influences.
You could say the feeling's mutual.
Everything all right, son? Mateo said you had a .
.
a visitor! Well, well, well.
I wouldn't have believed it had I not seen it with my own eyes.
The great Les Conroy! Thank Christ the people who came to our wedding can't see you now.
Look in the mirror, Les.
Just look at yourself! Call yourself a father! You're a disgrace! You look like a melting clown.
It's good to see you, Gloria.
You've lost weight.
About 12 stone of ugly fat when I left you.
And your hair's amazing, too! I'm jealous.
You're a freak of nature.
Your skin's good, as well.
You're really looking after yourself.
Do you actually go outside looking like that? I don't know how long you're here for, Gloria, but for every negative, hurtful, poisonous thing you say to me, I'll try and say something positive to you.
Because you think you're better than me? No.
Because I live a wonderful life in the sunshine, with a job I like, and friends I cherish, and a devoted son I adore.
It only seems fair to try and give some of the love back.
See you 'round.
Drop the latch when you leave.
Is it much further? Just round this corner.
A little exercise won't do you any harm.
Consider it a warm-up.
It's not the exercise I'm bothered about.
It's just this path is so narrow that every time a lorry goes past, you look like you're either gonna get sucked off or end up in somebody's bush.
We're here! Oh, what's the date today? Oh, I don't know! It's the 15th! Oh, blast! There's a local league game on.
What does that mean? It means we can't play! Oh, well! We'll just have to watch! Come.
You wanted to see me, Miss Temple-Savage? Er, yes, thank you, Mateo.
I just wanted to Everything is OK? Yes, everything is O- You scrub up well! Scrub? It means you look very nice.
Oh! I am thanking your most kind words and your hospital gratitude.
Hospital? I I just wanted to check you were OK being in charge.
It's just for the day.
I can persuade you to put all of your optical confidence inside me.
Why are you talking like that? Like what? Well rubbish! If I am to be scaling mismanagement, I am requiring words of a higher calibrate.
But you're using all the wrong words, and not in the right order.
Mateo, just be yourself, OK? OK.
I will be myself.
Good.
Now, can you go and find Kenneth? He was supposed to be coming straight back.
No problem.
Oh Thank you for this most respicious opportunity.
Just go away.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So, what kind of building do you do? You name it, we build it.
A pyramid.
Eh? You said, "Name it and we build it.
" No.
I mean houses, flats, that sort of thing.
It's a minefield, innit? Yeah, well, I been in the game a long time, so I know my way round.
Nah.
I mean the English language.
Right What is it you do again? Well It's really difficult to put into actual words what I do.
Which is ironic, really, cos words ARE what I do.
Right.
I've no idea what you're talking about.
I've been called a swami, a guru I suppose a lot of people would say I'm a life coach.
Right.
My son could do with one of them.
Any time you want me to speak to him - I wouldn't bother.
I've tried that.
Nah.
What you've probably tried to do is promote your own ideals and values.
As Mr Miyagi said, "There's no such thing as a bad student, only a bad teacher.
" Well, I can't really blame his teachers.
No.
I mean you! Oh, thanks! A kid learns the most when he thinks he's not being taught.
I'll give you a shout in a bit, show you what I mean.
Yeah.
I can't wait.
Kenneth? Kenneth! KENNETH! Oh, sorry! Didn't hear you.
That's OK.
You were in what we call BSA - buffet suspended animation.
Food here at Mr Wu so delicious, it make your taste buds work overtime, and affect other senses.
Either that, or you just big, fat, greedy pig.
Very funny.
That's twice you've called me that.
You like the capado chicken? Which one was that? Is this one.
Oh, my God, that was gorgeous.
What is in that beautiful red sauce? A secret.
But whatever in it, you better wipe from around your mouth, or you look like Buffet the Vampire.
You get it? Not Buffy the Vampire.
Chinese Buffet the Vampire! Yeah.
Very funny.
So, what did your sister say? Oh, yeah! I forgot about that! Wait a minute.
OK.
What she say is, she bought a new carpet for her living room, but she wanna change it.
She also new car! Oh! She got a Buick! They must've got rid of their Citroen.
The ingredients in the medicine! Wait.
I think she getting to that.
Ahh, her friend Lucy got a new dog.
Oh! Ah, that's why she wanna change carpet.
For God's sake! I've got to get back to work! Check yourself before you wreck yourself! You not in hurry when you chomping on Mr Wu's po-pos, huh? That does sound funny! Hilarious.
OK.
Ah.
Oh! "Content is basically canine drug used to cause temporary paralysis for medical reasons.
" Did you just say "canine"? Oh, God! What you been using this for? I injected it into my boss's face! No.
No.
Serious.
What did you do with this? Oh, shit! Thanks, Mr Wu.
I better get back and ring that doctor again.
Kenneth! It's not a doctor you need.
What you need is a vet.
Hey! No! Six euro for the buffet.
Kenneth! I haven't got my bum bag with me.
I'll pay you tomorrow.
He eat enough for five people, and he pay for nothing! Typical! "It's not a doctor you need, it's a vet.
" I didn't think it'd be this exciting! Oh, it's a great game, pelota, and they take it so seriously! Mmm! Bloody 'ell! That nearly took my head off! If you're in the crowd, you're legally part of the game.
I once saw a supporter screaming from the stands, when the ball whizzed across the court, and he swallowed it! The things those players did to that poor man to get their ball back! Made MY eyes water, never mind his.
Agh! Oh, dear, oh, dear! This does not look good.
What's he saying? He's saying, "My ankle, my ankle.
" What do you think's wrong with him? I think he's hurt his ankle.
Mm.
Oh! What's going on now? Well, that man wants his sub to carry on, but the official is saying he can't, because he isn't from Polop.
He's not from what? Polop.
It's the local village.
This match is between Polop and Benidorm.
I live in Polop! I thought you lived in Wales! Ssh! You live in Polop? Yes.
My wife and I just moved there.
OK.
Looks like I'm going to get a game after all! Hurry up! Change those ridiculous shoes.
Ridiculous?! Oh, thank you! Viva Polop! This is exciting! Your husband, he can play? Well, he's very good at volleyball, but he's in France.
Oh! That husband! Yeah! Oh, yeah.
He's really good.
Oof! Hello! You're not here on your own, are you? Well, not really.
I'm visiting my son.
Oh, I see.
I'm just scouting around for a ping-pong partner.
I'm sorry? Well, I'm here with my son, too.
But he's very competitive, whereas I just love being knee-deep in schat.
Knee-deep in what? Chat! You know, banter.
Oh! Right.
Can I ask you a question? Fire away.
As a customer at this hotel, do you think that's right? Do I think what's right? Staff being allowed to dress up like pantomime dames! Do you know who the best dame in the business was? Danny La Rue! A close personal friend of my late husband! Yeah.
Well, that is MY late husband.
So, how do you think I feel? I don't know how you feel.
You certainly sound pretty angry to me.
I reckon, if what you do makes you happy, and it isn't hurting anyone else, go for it! Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all go through life with rose-tinted spectacles like you? Yeah.
Yes, it would.
Les! We need to talk.
We don't have anything to say to each other.
If you genuinely care about our son, you'll listen to me.
I'm listening.
Not here.
Somewhere private.
Follow me.
Om Listen, I'm going back.
What you talking about? This is for your benefit.
How'd you work that out? This is character-building! Oh, there you are! What's going on? He's gonna walk across burning-hot coals.
Oh, no! Geoff, not with your bunions! Please listen to me, son.
He can't hear you.
He's in some sort of trance.
Aaaargh! They're burning! IT'S BURNING! Then, get off it, you great twat.
It's stuck in my foot! Get it out, somebody! Get it out! I ain't touching it.
We need some salad tongs.
Aaargh! Get out of the way! Get out the way! What are you lot looking at? I'm listening.
I'll come to the point.
I've offered Liam a job, a flat and a new life in the UK.
I could see he was tempted.
Well, who wouldn't want 30 grand a year, plus pension, not to mention a company car? But he didn't take it.
I know why.
Because he's got a life here.
You may dress like a fool, Les, but don't act like one.
What sort of a life is this? Scrabbling around trying to make ends meet, living off all-inclusive leftovers, drinking during the day There's only one thing stopping him going back to the UK.
You.
He's a grown man.
He does what he wants to do.
Oh, wake up and smell the coffee, Les! There's nothing for him here.
I'm here.
And what an example you are to him! I can't make him go if he doesn't want to.
No.
You're wrong.
Don't ask me to explain why, but he'd do anything for you.
I won't do it.
I think you will.
What's this? £10,000.
It's yours.
Convince Liam he has to go back and live in the UK.
You've got to be joking! This way you get what's best for both of you.
I couldn't look at him and tell him I didn't want him! So, write him a letter.
£10,000 is a lot of money.
You could sort out all your finances and still have plenty to live on.
I can't.
Les denying yourself £10,000 makes you an idiot.
But denying your only son the life and career he deserves makes you something much, much worse.
It's not about the money.
It's about Liam's future.
Look at your life now.
Is this what you want for your son when he's 60? Oh! There's one thing more.
For the remaining time that Liam's still here, you'll stop all this ridiculous dressing up.
It's one thing embarrassing yourself.
But from now on, you do what's best for Liam.
Do we have a deal? Get out.
You know it makes sense.
You're doing the right thing, Les.
This clown is going to lose our match.
There is another person from Polop here.
There's no-one.
I ask everyone.
Me! You? Yeah! Glynn's from Polop, and, if you remember, I'm Glynn's wife, so that means I live in Polop, as well.
Neither of you lives in Polop.
How do you know that? Polop is a small village.
I know every British person living there.
Plus, if you live in Polop, why are you wearing a Benidorm hotel wristband? I'm also Middlesbrough volleyball mixed-doubles champion six years in a row.
Arbitro! Cambio! Tu! Go on! OK! Sorry.
Come and watch.
Watch? You can't pull me off! I'm just about to come into my own! If I had a euro every time I heard that! It is good? Yeah.
OK.
Viva Polop! Whoa! A vet? I don't wanna be seen by a vet! How rude! Juan's come all the way from Finestrat! I don't care if he's come from Fleetwood! I'm not being examined by a vet! She gets excitable around strangers, but she doesn't bite.
Kenneth! I'm only joking.
He doesn't need to examine you - just give you a shot to counteract the rabies injection I gave you.
Rabies?! You've got to be joking! She has no symptoms, apart from the paralysis? Excuse me! I do speak English! Not that I know of.
No excessive panting or whining? Oh! Now you come to mention it, there has been a lot of whining.
And she's been pulling herself along by her front paws, dragging her bum across the grass.
I'm only messing! You have injected me in the face with something you give to dogs that have rabies?! Which begs the question, why are you frothing at the mouth? Out of here, now! Do you have any rope to tie up the hind legs? In my room, but that's three floors down.
Hold them! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! OK! We need to swap positions.
Get round the head.
Those teeth look sharp.
Will you stop talking about me like this? I'm not an animal! I'm a human being! Aaarrgh! Ssh, ssh, ssh.
Muy bueno.
There you are! I've been looking for you.
Slow day at work? I'm having a late lunch.
Son, we appear to have got off on the wrong foot.
Yes, you do.
I don't hate your dad.
I'm just frustrated he's holding you back.
What do you mean? That's why I'm offering you a fresh start in the UK.
I don't want one! What would you say if I offered you a fresh start here? What would I want to live here for? Exactly! Liam, why don't we have tea together tonight? What, with Mad Dog? No, no.
He's on a shooting weekend in Madrid.
Oh! What's he shooting - people in debt? Don't be daft.
Birds, small animals, that sort of thing.
I don't think Mad Dog and I are gonna get along.
Why not? It's just a feeling.
Me and you, tonight.
Eight o'clock.
I'm staying at the Belroy.
They do a lovely a la carte.
I will have dinner with you - in Neptune's, eight o'clock.
And then, tomorrow .
.
I want you to go home, and leave me and my dad in peace.
We'll see.
Eight o'clock.
Eight o'clock.
Right.
I know it's been difficult without me, but I'm back.
Back at work.
Back in the game.
Are you all back? You never went anywhere.
Miss Temple-Savage, are you OK? Why are you dressed like an undertaker? Did somebody die? I have been manager while you were not well.
Do you not remember? You? Manager? You couldn't manage a fart without shitting yourself.
I'm hungry.
I'm so hungry! I'm going to get some food.
Anybody want any food? Well, it's good that Joyce is back on form.
She's climbing the walls! What have you done to her? You have given her something.
She was feeling a bit groggy after her visit from the vet - the doctor, so I slipped a few uppers into her Bovril.
She'll be fine! What is Bovril? Well! It's not exactly the Belroy, but I was gonna say I've eaten in worse places, but I'm not sure I have.
He's quite funny, Geoff, isn't he? Geoff? The Oracle.
Depends what you mean by funny.
Weird, laughable, an embarrassment - that kind of funny, yeah.
Your problem is, you're threatened by another alpha male.
Alpha male?! He's on holiday with his mum! He's more of a man than you'll ever be.
Oh, my God! And you fancy him.
You do! You fancy him! He's not my usual type, but he does have a vulnerable quality to him.
What, with his burned feet? Hello! It's Theresa, isn't it? Yeah.
Terri.
I must say, I was thrilled when Geoff told me that you'd asked us to join you for dinner.
He'll be down in a minute.
I've just got to go and wash my hands.
For the past half hour, I've been creaming his feet.
See you in a jiffy! Creaming his feet? The thing is, Liam, I think your dad has finally come to his senses, and not before time.
What do you mean? Well, it came as quite a shock, but he asked to see me this afternoon, and well, basically, he thinks that you should move back to the UK, with me.
Why would he say that? I admit he's changed his tune pretty quick, but he said you both need to Oh, what was his phrase? "Wake up and smell the coffee.
" He doesn't like coffee.
He thinks you should take the job, with proper career prospects, and he's taking stock of his life, too.
And he's gonna stop all that dressing up and making a fool of himself.
How stupid do you think I am? What's that got to do with anything? Those are your words, not my dad's.
Ask him yourself.
I will! I think you're putting words into his mouth.
Me and your dad were married for 20 years.
I know him better than he knows himself.
Liam, sometimes, no matter how late in life, people do eventually grow up.
This is for you.
Liam, the gentleman's got something for you.
No.
It's for you.
Hello! I have work to do.
# The moment I wake up # Before I put on my make-up # I say a little # Prayer for you # While combing my hair, now # And wondering what dress to wear, now # Wear now # I say a little # Prayer for you # Forever # Forever Forever And ever You'll stay in my heart # And I will love you # Forever # And ever Hello? Well, I must say, this was a good idea.
Safety in numbers, that's what I say! Although I once did have a holiday here on my own.
Oh, yeah? How was that? Oh, it was an absolute stinker.
I mean, Geoff's in-laws were here, and I chummed up with them for a bit.
But I don't think I'll be doing that again.
You're married? Separated.
Well - never married, to be honest.
Although we do have a son, Py.
See him every other weekend.
You got a son called Pie? What, as in "steak and kidney"? No! As in Pythagoras.
You called your son Pythagoras? Yeah.
Why? Nothing.
Pythagoras is my favourite of all the Greek philosophers.
Seriously? Well, apart from Socrates.
Obvs! I used to love all that at school.
All what? Ancient Greek philosophy.
The nearest you got to ancient Greece was having a kebab on a Saturday night after 12 pints.
Hello! Oh, this is ridiculous! Same again? Oh, lovely.
Yeah.
I'm fine.
I'll help you.
I can manage to bring back four drinks on my own.
I said, I'll help you! Miss Temple-Savage, you are sure you're OK? When bleeding a radiator, it is essential to have a third party to keep an eye on the boiler gauge.
It's essential.
Maybe you need to lie down for a while.
I was once taken up the Valley of the Kings by a close relation of Alan Whicker.
No regrets! Although I did get to meet David Yip, the Chinese Detective.
I didn't realise it was him till we were halfway home in a taxi! OK Listen.
I am going now, but if you need anything, please let me know.
The group! Group? I didn't book the group for tonight! It's OK.
We can just do karaoke.
Karaoke? Not on my watch, soldier.
Is that what Vera Lynn told the troops in 1940? "Sing it yourself?" I'll do my Yma Sumac from my old Ashby-de-la-Zouch days.
They won't know what hit them! I'm warning you, Clive! Keep your fat snout clear of my business.
What you talking about? I feel a connection with Geoff.
I'm ready for a relationship.
The only relationships you have are standing up in pub car parks.
Maybe I'll settle for that tonight.
I doubt it, not with the state his feet are in! # That's my prayer, now That's my prayer I really enjoyed today! You were right! You can do too much of lying staring at a swimming pool.
You're always going to have a degree of beginner's luck.
I think someone's jealous! Don't be ridiculous.
You are! You're jealous! No.
You're right.
Fair play to you, Jacqueline.
You played brilliantly.
Here's to a great day out! I tell you what it did, as well.
It made you forget that, while you're here, your wife is sharing a bed with my husband in the South of France.
Whoops! # Whoo! What they do in Peru # Tusurikusun viditay Whoo! So, is this really what passes for entertainment round here? Oh, I love it.
It's very Martha Graham.
What was your letter? Er, nothing.
It's, er just some details about a trip.
They do some great free trips to the waterfall.
Where's it to? No.
It's, um been cancelled.
Gloria.
Liked the song, son? You were fabulous! You off out tonight? Meeting a few of the girls up the Rich Bitch.
I'd say join us, but I don't think it's your mother's cup of tea.
I might join you.
No.
Spend time with your mother.
She's not here for long.
True.
And we've got the rest of our lives together.
You said it.
See you both tomorrow.
She's got the moves, I'll say that for her! Do you like to dance, Geoff? Not really.
I dunno.
You busted some sick moves on those hot coals today.
Oh, you weren't sick as well, were you? You've got a big day tomorrow! Oh, yeah? What's happening tomorrow, Geoff? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Oh, he does get shy! Mother Geoff's fiancee's arriving tomorrow.
# .
.
besame si, en tus brazos me quiero morir # Cholito lindo, besame # Oh # Oh Oh!