Black-ish (2014) s07e04 Episode Script

1 DRE: The worst part of a horror movie is that it starts with everyone so happy.
I like it.
These poor suckers have no idea what's coming.
- [Chainsaw buzzing.]
- [Screaming.]
- [Whimpers.]
- [Screaming.]
What the hell? Why am I the only one screaming?! Because it's not scary.
- That chainsaw can't cut through bone.
- For real.
They've made three movies about people getting murdered at this camp.
If your parents send you there, - they're trying to tell you something.
- Right.
No.
It's the phones.
- Give it to me.
- What? I'm tired of all you being on your phones during movie night! - Give it to me.
- Hey, I'm reading about the coronavirus being in Los Angeles County now.
We're fine.
The disease is only on cruise ships.
And if you got onto a cruise ship, you knew you were gonna get something.
- Give me the phone.
- No.
Come on.
- Give me the phone, boy! Thank you.
- [Sighs.]
JACK: I'm not afraid of the virus.
- Yeah, Junior.
You worry too much.
- Mm.
Remember you got all excited about those murder hornets, and they never showed up? They can kill you through your pants! Dad, come on.
I need my phone.
I want to know what's going on.
No more phones until all those white kids are dead! [Dog barking in distance.]
Quiet storm lighting.
- [Beep.]
- [Dramatic music plays.]
[Liquid sloshing.]
[Sighs.]
[Cellphone chiming.]
This could be about the virus, Dad.
- I should go check on it.
- Sit down.
It's probably just one of those alerts that you get when somebody's kidnapped.
You're fine.
- [Groans.]
- [Scraping.]
[Cellphone chiming.]
- Dad! - Jack, everything is fine! Watch the movie! [Sighs.]
[Cellphones chiming, vibrating.]
Something bad is happening.
- Jack, grab my red passport.
- On it.
Jack, sit down! Nothing bad is happening, okay? If it were the end of the world, somebody would be calling the house phone.
[Telephone ringing.]
Uh Junior, wh-why don't you grab that? Oh, so now you want me to pick up a phone? [Ringing continues.]
Fine.
[Beep.]
[Timidly.]
Hello? MAN: Hello, Andre Johnson.
Valley Glen Prep has canceled classes for the rest of the year.
[Screaming.]
DRE: It was one thing not to be able to go to restaurants.
It was another thing for our kids - to now be home 24/7.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
- [Groans.]
- What? - Just got another e-mail from the school.
- Ohh.
Oh, this is a disaster.
Losing the end of the school year is gonna be traumatic for the twins, Dre.
They're not gonna be able to see their friends, they're gonna be stuck in the house, and they're not even gonna get their eighth grade graduation! Ah, I won't miss that.
- Dre.
- Oh, okay.
Okay.
- But they will.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
It's so scary.
- Mm.
We just have to make sure we keep it as normal as possible.
Yeah, I agree, but that's gonna be really hard, Dre, when we're homeschooling them.
Well, it won't really be - homeschooling.
- Hmm? And we can make it like a regular school day.
We just have to come up with a schedule.
So, before, they were in school from 9:00 to 3:00.
Now they are "distance learning" from 9:00 to noon.
That's where the school abandons us.
You know, we can take that extra time and supplement their learning.
We can create hyperintensive 20-minute blocks.
You know, we'll call it circuit learning.
Oh, oh, oh! Can one of the circuits be pottery? - Sure! - Ha ha! - Tuesdays, 1:35.
- 1:35? - It's a proprietary schedule, Bow.
- Hmm.
Kind of like when TBS would start their shows on the fives.
- [Laughs.]
- You know I think once the word gets out, all the other parents are gonna want to send their kids to us.
By "us," you mean you.
What? Oh, this is on you, sweetheart.
I'm gonna be saving lives.
- Hey! - Ah.
So I came up with the schedule, and the kids were working independently, taking care of business.
Nine checks in one day, and I didn't have to get on you once.
Okay, what does the Big Board say you have from the 2:25-to-2:45 block? Uh ooh! Study hall.
Can we listen to music while we do it? Of course you can.
But it has to be classical.
Okay.
Kool Moe Dee.
Ha ha! Ha ha! Yeah, I knew this would be easy.
Of course, while I was becoming one of America's foremost educational innovators, I still had to do my day job.
Oh, hey, everybody! Well, finally, Dre.
Another minute, and you would have been furloughed.
- Oh.
- Um, all right, everybody.
First order of business, uh, we have an exciting new client skim milk.
Ah, water milk! With the nutrients of milk and the flavor of water.
Nice.
Lucy, how come your video isn't on? LUCY: Oh, I prefer to have it off.
I don't have a great connection.
But I-I'm here and ready to work.
That is ridiculous.
Turn it on.
[Chuckling.]
O-Okay.
Just a second.
- Here we go.
- Ew! - Oh, my God.
- Oh! Satan, I rebuke you.
- [Child crying in distance.]
- Tucker! - [Clattering.]
- You're fine.
Stop crying.
So help me G Good God, man! [Clattering continues, Tucker screaming.]
It's not It's not my fault, okay? My nanny will not come to my house.
Does your nanny do your hair? I knew a woman would crumble in a crisis.
That's why there's only one of you here, little lady.
- [Clattering and crying continue.]
- I'm sorry.
- Really, just balancing - TUCKER: Hyah! Hyah! you know, kids' school and work and life and - [Laughs evilly.]
- It's a lot harder than I thought.
Maybe for you, but for me, it's been a breeze.
- How? - I'm on a schedule.
Plus, I get hours back from no commute and no drop-off.
I've got nothing but time.
Same here.
And since I've never done drop-offs, double time.
I love it.
You see that? Testosterone it activates in a crisis.
That's why my hair's been growing like crazy.
Oh, God.
- My cats love playing with it, too.
- [Cat meows.]
Uh, look, Dre, that sounds great for you, but what about your kids? They're flourishing! You know what? Diane made me an ashtray in pottery.
I'm thinking about taking up smoking.
A schedule is is not a bad idea.
I mean - Maybe if I put Tucker on a schedule - [Tucker shouting.]
- things would get under control.
- BOY: I want out! - [Clattering.]
- What was that?! - Stop it, Tucker! - TUCKER: Again! [Groans.]
I really appreciate the advice, Dre.
I really do.
- It means so much to me.
Tucker, why - [Whooshing.]
Why is Mommy's candle tipped over on the magazines? - [Fire alarm blaring.]
- Call the fire I got to go.
- You know what? - [Tucker screaming.]
Y-You still got to send me in your status report! I don't care if you're on fire! Hoo! You are not gonna believe this one.
July 2019.
If you're looking for whipped cream, your grandmother took it, and do not ask me any questions.
No, me and Olivia are actually throwing out expired foods.
Most people have 15 expired items in their fridge.
- Oh.
[Chuckles.]
- Hey, Olivia, is a "best before" date the same thing as an expiration date? OLIVIA: No, most food is good for a month after the "best before" date.
[Scoffs.]
Of course you knew that, - 'cause you know everything.
- No, I don't.
I don't know who the cutest guy in the world is.
It's me.
[Laughs.]
[Chuckles.]
Now I know everything.
- I'll call you later.
- All right.
Bye.
All right.
So things are going well between you and Olivia? Yeah, it's going pretty great.
It's just really sucks being apart.
I know it's tough, but at least you guys have technology so you can connect.
Yeah, but Zoom just isn't the real thing.
- That's true.
- I'll be lucky if I see her before this soy sauce expires in 2021.
[Sighing.]
Yeah.
Well, listen, I know things are strange right now, but there's got to be a way for us to, I don't know, - make things seem normal? - Hmm.
Well, if if it wasn't a pandemic, Olivia probably would have come over here - for dinner by now, right? - Yeah.
- Why don't we have a virtual hang? - Really? - Uh-huh.
- That'd be great! We can't let this virus stop us from living our lives.
- Thanks, Mom.
- You're welcome.
Hey, but - one thing to note.
- Yes? No wacky backgrounds.
That's the fun of Zoom! Oh, okay.
We'll discuss later.
No, it's my account.
We do wacky backgrounds.
A week into homeschooling, and I was crushing it.
I had turned my dining room into Harvard exclusive, challenging, and all legacies.
Hey! I got you guys some barbecue! - Whoa! What's the occasion? - No occasion.
Now, go wash your hands before dinner.
Oh.
You can tell it's good.
You can see the food through the paper bag.
Yeah.
- [Cellphone ringing.]
- [Chuckles.]
Ooh.
Hey! Biggsy! Ah.
I bet you're calling to have me take some more kids under my wing, huh? Well, know what? I'll think about it.
Probably gonna have to rename the school after me, though.
- Actually - You see it's all about discipline and focus.
Oh! That's the Johnson Prep motto, discipline and focus.
- Really? - Yep.
Well, I've got another motto for you your kids haven't turned in their work all week.
- What? - I guess you could say they lack discipline and focus.
[Stammers.]
I can tell you cut your own hair.
Is my line crooked? You didn't submit any work all week?! You didn't even do gym?! You guys, it was five minutes of toe touching! How could this happen?! We have a Big Board! Is it not big enough? Because I can make it bigger.
- We have 10-foot ceilings.
- Nothing is wrong with the board.
It just doesn't feel like school.
So you just gave up? I want to learn, and I want to do a good job.
It's just impossible.
Ah.
Okay, look, guys, I-I know it's hard, all right? But we just don't want you to be behind when you go back.
If we go back.
Am I spending the next year doing this? Is this what high school is going to look like? Am I doing college in my bedroom? And I haven't even seen any of my friends in forever.
[Sighs.]
It's all so depressing.
- Oh, God.
- Okay, okay.
You know what, guys? Look.
Maybe you should just take a break from doing homework this weekend.
All right? We'll start fresh on Monday.
- That's a good idea.
- Okay.
- Sure.
- All right, go.
[Sighing.]
Oh, my God.
You know what, baby? Maybe it was too much to ask for them to be on their own schedule.
I mean, Junior was on his own schedule at Howard for only two days, and he lost his mind.
Well, I mean, Dre, they they've lost their motivation.
How do you keep going if there's no light at the end of the tunnel? Maybe we should let them slide the rest of the semester.
I mean, nothing from eighth grade ever comes up in real life.
You really want to let them slide? [Sighing.]
No.
I don't think I could handle my kids getting bad grades.
I mean, every time they get a B-minus, I'm afraid Don Lemon is gonna call me out on his show.
Don Lemon.
That Big Board isn't enough.
We've got to be more hands-on.
Oh, yes.
Yes! Dre, absolutely.
A-And the hands that are gonna be on are yours - because these - What? These are gonna be saving lives.
I went to med school, and asking me to teach is like asking Mariah Carey to do dishes.
[Off-key, high-pitched.]
Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah Being more hands-on meant I had to perform a juggling act, and the balls in the air were work, teaching my kids, and being a dad.
So, what they're looking for is a new slogan that'll bring skim milk into the 21st century.
And we can't say it isn't your grandfather's milk because it is your grandfather's milk.
My grandfather's milk was gin.
It was good for him and us.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hmm? - Can you help me with math? - One sec, guys.
- [Click.]
- What's the problem, son? I'm having trouble solving for "x.
" Let me see this.
Say Pops bets "x.
" Then he has Well, it depends on how much he bets.
Oh! So "x" can be different things at different times.
Oh, yeah! Hey, good work, son.
Thanks, Dad.
- [Click.]
- All right, guys, I'm back.
Here.
"Skim milk new milk, new you.
" - Huh.
- Dre [Imitates explosion.]
that is amazing.
I-It gives me goosebumps.
And And it almost makes me want to stop putting - heavy cream on my cereal.
- Sorry.
What? All right, I'm gonna have Design mock something up.
- Dad? - Hmm? What's the Continental Congress? A slaveholder convention.
You know, I'm thinking a combination of outdoor, print, and social.
Yeah.
It took a second, but, eventually, we got into a rhythm.
I learned how to balance everything - and started making beautiful music.
- [Computer chimes.]
[Yawns.]
[Pour, slurp, clack.]
[Spring, clink, clatter, rattle.]
[Squeak, chime, yawn.]
[Pour, slurp, clack, spring, clink, clatter.]
[Rattle, squeak, chime, yawn.]
[Pour, slurp, clack, spring, clink, clatter.]
[Rattle, squeak, chime.]
[Pour, slurp.]
Ah! After a great initial family call with Olivia, Junior was wanting more.
But a rough day had taken its toll on Bow.
- Yes.
- Hey, Mom? Okay, Junior! Sorry about that, but you didn't respond to my invite for our next call with Olivia.
It is gonna be great.
We are doing a cheese tasting.
Monsieur Luc is gonna give us each 35 cheeses to try from the Brittany Region, and the best part is we are all gonna be comparing cheese-tasting notes.
I can't.
Sometimes I just I just want to come home and just, like, have a glass of wine.
And what better to pair with a glass of wine than cheese? Seriously, Junior, I do video conferences all day long, and then I come home and I'm confronted by Ruby, who's telling me that the virus is a plot to take down Social Security, and then I have more paperwork.
[Voice breaking.]
And I just don't have the bandwidth for 35 cheeses.
All right.
I get it.
Maybe some other time.
- Yeah, maybe some other time.
- You are a busy woman.
Yeah.
Thank you.
[Sighs.]
[Scoffs.]
Oh! What? Who let Montell Jordan have a winery? - DRE: Babe! - RAINBOW: Yeah? Groceries have been delivered! Yay! And huge breakthrough today.
The kids turned in all of their work, and their teacher called and said their turnaround is "impressive.
" - Ooh! - Ha! Plus, at work, we got James Corden to play a gallon of skim milk for a TV spot.
- I gotta say, I am impressed.
- [Laughs.]
Yes, baby, I am killing it! I am up for any challenge.
You know what? I feel like I can re-roof the house.
- Oh, I don't know about that.
- Ah, yes, I could! [Laughs.]
Huh.
- Huh.
This - What? I-I-I can't find my cookies.
Oh.
Well, we ordered them.
- There's the crackers, and there's - [Gasps.]
Oh, oh! Babe, they're right here.
No, baby, these are not the cookies, right? Okay, I ordered Oreos, all right? I-I've been working so hard, keeping everything together, baby, and I can't even get the damn cookies that I want! S-Sweetheart, they they look the same.
- They are not the same, Bow! - Okay, uh - [Sobbing.]
- All right.
Are Are you Are you crying? - [Crying.]
No, I'm not! - Oh! I'm just a man in a kitchen, having an emotional moment over some damn bootleg cookies! Okay.
Oh! Okay! - Oh! Oh, my God! Dre! - [Grunting loudly.]
Dre! - [Sighs.]
- Okay.
Baby, I wish this was 2019, where I could just eat [Sniffles.]
samples in the grocery store.
Hey, Junior? Hey, have you seen my headphones? Well, well, well, look who it is the mother who doesn't have time for her son.
- [Scoffs.]
Okay.
- I should have known you never would have supported my relationship.
- Hmm? - You never supported my ukulele.
You never taped my audition for "Nailed It!" And don't even get me started on my nose ring.
Okay.
I'm the one who cleaned your nose when it got infected.
Junior? Hey.
What's going on? Nothing.
Junior! I don't know.
You know what? Maybe it's because I really care about Olivia and I thought that you would want to get to know her.
I-I want to, Junior, but it's really hard right now b - Is it? - Yes, it is.
There's 'Cause I'm the one who sets up all the calls.
I lay out all of the cheeses.
I don't know what else I need to do to make sure that the two most important women in my life grow closer.
Oh, my God.
[Sighs.]
[Gasps.]
Oh, my Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I know what's going on.
I got it.
[Chuckles.]
You're in love.
My baby bird [Voice breaking.]
you're in love.
- What? No.
No.
No.
- Ah! - [Chuckles.]
No.
[Chuckles.]
- Oh, my God, Junior, you're thinking about her right now, aren't you? - Maybe.
I - Oh, my God! [Chuckles.]
This is so huge! This is the first time you're in love! Wait, this is the first time, right? You would have told me? Oh, absolutely the first time, Mom.
- [Chuckles.]
- Oh, my Okay.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Okay.
[Chuckles.]
This is so sweet! Sweetheart, okay, well, now I tot I totally understand what's been going on.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Just send me her number, and I will text her.
I will text her.
Oh.
That would mean a lot.
- Oh, my God! - Thanks, Mom.
- Oh! I can't believe it! - [Chuckles.]
Oh, my God! Whoo! H-Hey, you haven't told your dad yet, right? - I'm the first one? - You are.
In fact, I have been trying to think of a polite way to ask him to not be on the calls.
Your dad is He's the worst.
- Yeah.
[Laughs.]
- [Laughs.]
Ju Ha! Oh, God, look [Door closes.]
Finally.
Dre, where have you been? [Sighs.]
I was driving up to the mountains to clear my head, and then I realized I was a Black man, - so I turned around.
- [Chuckles.]
- [Sighing.]
- Ah.
Hey, babe, I can't believe I let those cookies get to me like that.
[Chuckling.]
Oh.
I mean [Inhales deeply.]
I mean, just lately, I've been feeling irritable - and anxious and - [Sighs.]
having headaches, and no matter what I do, they won't go away, you know, and I keep hustling and working through it, but nothing nothing feels normal.
That's 'cause nothing is normal, Dre.
- [Sighs.]
- We're disinfecting boxes.
We're waiting in line at the grocery store.
I microwaved our mail yesterday.
So it's understandable that you're stressed, sweetie.
We We We don't have any of our normal coping mechanisms.
We can't go out.
We can't see friends.
I can't go to the bar after work and tell you guys I got stuck in traffic.
[Chuckles.]
Look, we're used to living life with certainty.
- Mm-hmm.
- And we don't have that anymore.
And it's not just us.
It's all over the world, Dre.
This is hard.
You know, the scariest part is we don't know when this is gonna end.
- [Sighing.]
- You know, how am I supposed to help the kids with their homework and make sure they're eating their vegetables and get my work done and keep this house running? Oh, Dre, I know you're trying to do everything, but you you got to be easy on yourself.
This is too much for anyone especially you.
You're fragile.
What? Dre, I saw you knock out a box of cookies.
- [Sighs.]
Okay, babe.
- Okay.
Maybe you're right.
I need to go easier, but we all do.
Yeah.
Hey, how far up the mountain did you get? Oh.
I never made it to the mountain.
- What? - Yeah.
No.
I saw an aboveground swimming pool in a front yard, - and I turned around.
- Mm.
That's when I knew it was unsafe.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! That's my wine! No, baby.
It was your wine.
So I decided to put my "going a little easier" plan into practice.
Hey, guys.
Got a quarantine activity for us to do.
[Gasps.]
To improve our cognitive skills and problem-solving abilities? - To have fun.
- Oh.
Okay.
All the, uh, good puzzles were sold out, so we just have the Jacksonville skyline.
- That works.
- Okay.
Let's do it.
Move that out of the way.
Everybody's going to make a few mistakes in their first pandemic.
Mine was thinking I could keep everything the way it used to be.
There is no "way it used to be.
" Best we can do is figure out the way it is.
- [Laughs.]
- OLIVIA: [Laughs.]
Sounds like someone's having a lot of fun.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah! Look! It's Olivia! - Hey! - Hey! [Laughter.]
Yeah, we were just chatting a little bit.
Well, don't let me interrupt.
- [Chuckles.]
- [Laughing.]
Okay.
[Dog barking in distance.]
Are you two talking about me, or Absolutely not.
[Chuckles.]
No.
No.
Of course not.
No.
- Oh.
- We were actually We were just gabbing about girl stuff, weren't we? - Really? - Uh-huh.
Well, um I'll let you two gals gab.
- All right.
- Bye, Olivia.
- Bye! Bye! - [Chuckles.]
Okay.
All clear.
Okay.
So, have you noticed he gets loud when he agrees with you? Yeah.
That's exactly what his father does.
Well, I've noticed.
Okay, you know what? I am gonna like you, Olivia.
I can tell.
This is gon This is a long friendship starting right now.
You know, I've always wanted a friend.