Curb Your Enthusiasm s07e04 Episode Script

Let me, uh let me give you a little tip, okay? - Mm-hmm.
- For traveling a traveling tip.
Try not to wear shorts.
It's not all that attractive to look at for five hours.
- Are you kidding? - Honestly.
No, I'm not.
- I wear these on every flight - Really? 'cause it's very comfortable.
- Yes.
Yeah.
These planes, if you notice, get very hot.
- Ah.
Yes, they do.
- I didn't see where I had to check with the person I'm sitting next to what I should wear.
I'm comfortable in pajamas, but I don't wear pajamas on a plane.
I like to sing.
I like to whistle.
I like to play the bongos on my leg.
- I like to imitate horses - Okay.
but I don't do it, okay? - All right.
- Because there's somebody next to me.
- Yeah, okay.
Okay.
Wow, you're very uptight, dude.
Very uptight.
- Uptight? I don't think it's "uptight.
" - It's just shorts, man.
- You've never seen a man's legs? - Yeah, they're grotesque.
What if they were a woman's in a skirt? Would you say that to her if a woman's in a skirt? - If they were hairy.
- Okay.
Are you ready for a hot towel? She must've put it in the microwave.
Don't you think? I mean, have you ever seen anything like this is your life? - Huh.
- Only me.
Only me this happens to.
I bet you I could sue 'em.
Don't you think? Do I have a case? Tell me.
- Would you testify for me? - No.
- You wouldn't testify? - No, I wouldn't.
I find that odd and troubling.
Yeah, it would be hard to find a doctor who, in good conscience, could recommend a high-value settlement for that burn.
Okay.
I'll drop it.
- Forget about it.
- Okay.
By the way, I am loving the music in the waiting room.
- Oh.
- The opera? Fabulous.
I'm glad you like it.
I got the idea from an Italian restaurant a new Italian restaurant called Matteo's.
They have live singers who do some arias - from various Italian operas.
- No kidding? - Yeah yeah yeah yeah.
- What a fabulous idea.
I need to buy an anniversary gift for my friends.
I'll bet you that would be a good gift, would it not? - It'd be a great gift.
- A gift certificate to this restaurant? Absolutely.
Yeah.
Do it.
- All right.
Thank you for everything.
- You're welcome.
- I'm sorry to bother you, you know.
- No problem.
- Well, should I come back? - No, you don't need to come back.
It'll be healed before ou walk out the door.
Okay.
You know what? I was just thinking.
I'd love to get your home phone number just in case of an emergency or something else with the hand.
Who knows? Something comes up, - it's nice to have.
- I don't give out my home phone number.
You know, I understand all that, but I would feel better, you know.
It would make me feel more secure.
Nothing's gonna happen.
I'm never gonna call.
You know, what are the odds of something happening? Zero.
Well, if anything happened, you can always call the service - and they'll contact me.
- I have to deal with the middleman, sort of, and maybe the service isn't there.
Why does he have the privilege of talking to you and not me? - I'm your patient.
- You have a problem.
You make the call.
They call me, then I respond to you.
It works like a charm! It works every time! I like the idea of having my doctor's number in my wallet.
I don't want to be in your wallet.
I want you in my wallet.
- What do you think? - I'll make an exception in your case purely in the interests of getting on with my day.
- Fantastic.
Thanks so much.
- All right.
I do not expect you to abuse it and I don't want you to call me directly at home, all right? But if it'll make you feel better, get the number from my receptionist - on the way out.
- Okay.
- Keep it dry - Keep it dry.
and don't call.
- Hello.
- Really? - Wow.
- Wow.
Jeez.
Mary Jane.
- Hey.
Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you? - It's been awhile.
- Uh, yeah.
- Well, you look good.
- So do you.
Thank you.
How are things? I just came from the doctor.
I've got two months to live.
- It's terrible.
- Not very funny.
Yeah, I'm trying to get women to take pity on me, so they'll sleep with me, you know.
That's all.
So I just tell everybody that.
- Hmm.
- So, um, what are you what's your social situation? - Are you married? - God no.
You regret breaking up with me though.
You're still you're still having nightmares about that? You oh, Larry, you're the same! You can admit it you made a mistake.
We should go out.
We should go out and catch up.
- You know, that would be fantastic.
- Yeah? - Yeah, let's do that.
- What about tonight? Tonight I'm going to Ted Danson's anniversary party.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, my friend Christian Slater's gonna be there.
- Christian Slater? - Yeah.
- He's a friend of yours? - Yeah, tell him I said hi.
Uh, no, but I'll I'll see him.
- Um, how about tomorrow? - Okay.
- We're gonna have a date? - Yeah.
- Do you have my number? - I do.
- You think I threw away your number? - You do not have my I've got the number of every woman I've ever gone out with in my life.
Believe me.
I'm gonna see you tomorrow.
- Yeah.
- I've changed.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Mozzarella? Nah.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Do you remember Mary Jane Porter? One of my favorites.
- I ran into her today.
- How's she look? - Fantastic.
- Really? - Oh my God, she's a doll.
- Oh God.
- You know? - Yeah.
Why'd she go out with you? I don't know why she went out with me.
I don't know.
That's a good question.
- A big bowl of out of your league.
- Way out of my league.
- Huge time.
- Well, that's why she got rid of me.
- Yeah.
Really? - Well, I was so desperate.
She could sense the insecurity.
- They pick up on it.
- Instantly.
- I'm seeing her tomorrow night.
- Really? Yeah.
She asked me.
Maybe she's got the desperation this time.
- Hopefully.
- Hopefully.
It's a lot easier to work with their desperation than mine.
- Let me ask you a question.
Sexually - Yeah.
Yeah.
can I pick up where I left off with her? Absolutely.
You put in your time.
I mean, it's like Everything you've done before counts.
Yes.
I don't know in terms of unhooking bras, I'm really gonna be in trouble.
- Look at this? - Why don't you use your right hand? I'm I'm a lefty unhooker.
I can't unhook righty.
It's from the car, I think, when you park.
- Right.
- Making out in the driver's seat, you lean over, it's your left hand that's doing the unhooking.
You get used to the left.
It's like the one thing if you're a righty that you do with your left hand with skill.
- That's true.
- So what's going on with Cheryl? Hopefully we can cast her in this thing and see what happens.
What about the whole Meg Ryan situation? Oh, it's gonna it's gonna be about Jerry.
- Yeah.
- I've just gotta convince Jerry to use Cheryl, 'cause if I cast her then I think I'll have a shot.
- I think it's a great plan.
- In the meantime, I'm allowed to have some fun, right? Please! Why not? Mary Jane Porter asking you.
Hey, what did you get Ted and Mary? Susie gets all the gifts.
No idea.
- Hello! - Seriously, though - Lar! I didn't see you come in.
- Hey! - Hey, buddy.
That's sweet of you.
- Hey, congratulations.
- Thank you, thank you.
- And look what I got.
Dee-dah! What is that? - It's a present.
- Oh my God.
- Ho! Larry.
- Lar! - What? - Oh my God.
A $300 gift certificate to Matteo's restaurant.
Have you been there? It's supposed to be great.
Are you sure you wanna give that much? I can't believe you did that.
What? Why are you so surprised? No, it's just, you know, the last - what was the last gift? - "The Freak Book.
" - "The Freak Book.
" - That was a good gift, - and it was expensive too.
- This is great.
I shouldn't have even brought that up.
- I'm sorry.
This is great.
- No, it's really nice.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Very very generous of you, buddy.
- Thank you.
- Oh, okay.
Well, you're welcome.
Is it a lot better than the gifts you've been getting? - No.
- No no no.
- Well - It's just - It's just that - It's just it's - No, it's a great gift.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Let me I've gotta catch up with Of course.
The host has to circulate.
- You circulate too, Lar.
- L I know.
You're the big stars, - the hosts of the party.
- There's a lot of nice women here.
Everybody wants to talk to the hosts of course.
I understand.
"Oh, I'm the host.
Hello, I'm the host of the party.
" - Hey.
- Hey, LD.
How are you, man? Good.
You know, I ran into a friend of yours today.
- Who's that? - Mary Mary Jane Porter.
- Mmm! I love her.
She's great.
- Mmm.
Jesus Christ.
- What? - Really going to town on that caviar.
It's the best caviar they could possibly get.
It's unbelievable.
What do you think I'm gonna do, pass this up? I think you're going over your allotment a little bit.
No? - My allotment? - You know, we're each entitled to take a certain amount so everybody else can have a little bit too.
- Umm.
- It feels like you're going over.
Just an observation.
Not a big deal.
- Okay.
- Just something I'm observing.
It's good that you're here to patrol the hors d'oeuvres area.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
We have unwritten laws in this society.
If I'm talking to somebody and they said their friend has cancer, I go "Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
" Even though I don't know the person, I'll go "Oh.
" You know, it's an unwritten law.
You do something like that.
- Mmm.
Okay.
- It's a nice thing to do.
What you should be doing here is you take a little bit, then you step away for 20 minutes, see what kind of action there is.
- Oh.
- If nobody's taking any, maybe take a little bit more, step away again.
- So forth and so on.
- Okay, look.
Let me just scoop a little more on here and I'm gonna step away then.
- Wow.
- Enjoy the party.
- Okay.
All right.
- Always good to see you.
Larry, did you eat all that caviar? - Huh? No.
- Why would you do that? I mean, everybody knows you take a little, right? - Hey, it wasn't me.
- Then who was it? Christian Slater was eating gobfuls of it.
- I hate that.
- I couldn't even look at it.
That's - So inconsiderate, no? - It's an unwritten rule.
- You take your - Unwritten rule, exactly.
Can I have everyone's attention, please? Ted and Mary, our gracious hosts happy anniversary to an incredible couple.
We didn't know what to get you.
You clearly have everything.
We're not gonna get you a toaster or a blender, so our incredibly talented daughter Sammi, as our gift to you, is gonna sing a special song.
- Oh, that's so sweet.
- Let's have a nice round of applause.
- That's a gift? Are you kidding? - Sammi is gonna sing.
- Let's hear it for Sammi.
- How is that a gift? Oh my God.
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding? It's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life.
All right.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
That's good.
That's good.
- Very good! That was wonderful.
- What are you doing? - What are you doing? - Very good talent.
- I'm not I'm not done.
- No no no no, that was terrific.
No no, she's not done.
What are you doing? That was very good.
Very good.
Why are you interrupting her, Larry? Why are you she was singing the song.
- What were you doing? - What? The song's over.
No, the song was not over.
You know the song was not over - and you cut her off! - I thought the song was over.
You ruined the whole gift! That was our gift, for God's sake! - Oh, I thought the song was over.
- Sammi, that was great.
Let's give her a nice round of applause.
That was good.
That was good.
Yeah.
I'll tell you that's a talented kid.
Hey! Real nice.
Real nice.
Come I mean, Mary is pissed at me about the caviar.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Thank you.
What? What did she say? She said that you told her that I helped myself to too much caviar.
Well, she noticed the caviar and asked me who ate it.
What? What? Was I supposed to lie? - I was not taking too much caviar! - Oh, please.
Are you kidding? - Who are you?! - You ate it like it was potato chips! It's there to be eaten, you know? - Not by one person! - It was out there on the table.
- You made it your dinner.
- Oh God.
Smile.
Hey, mind your own business.
How about that? "Smile.
" Hello.
- Fat boy! - What? Hello? - Jeff? - Umm, no.
- No, there's no Jeff here.
- Is this Dr.
Morrison? Uh, yeah, it is.
It is.
Who's this? Oh my God! It's Larry David! Your patient Larry David.
And wasn't it just a couple of days ago that I saw you and asked you not to call here? No, I wasn't calling you.
I was calling Jeff Greene listen and your name is right under his and I must have pressed yours by accident.
I distinctly recall asking you not to call me.
No no, I didn't call.
How can you say you didn't call?! - You did call.
- I didn't call purposefully.
- It was an accident.
- An accident call is still a call.
Technically, I called, but Look.
I'm in the other room I'm working.
I had to walk in here.
I had to pick up the phone.
Now I'm talking to you.
That's a call.
It's a wrong number.
You know, I don't have an hourglass set up here, but it's the longest wrong number I've ever had in my life.
I have things to do, Mr.
David.
- Really? What are you doing? - I'm changing light bulbs and cleaning the cat's litter box.
What do you do at home? Does anybody ask you what you do don't ask me what I do at home.
All right.
I'm gonna hang up then.
You don't have to tell me everything you're doing.
Just hang up.
Okay.
The next time you hear from me will be in case of an emergency, and I hope you don't hear from me.
You still have my service number.
Call them, ask about their day.
Don't bother me.
- Hmm.
- So did you hang up yet? Not yet.
Should I hang up now? Yes, I'm going to hang up now.
Did I mention that I'm going to the restaurant tonight? Goodbye.
By the way, I'm not that impressed with the food.
It's good.
No, I'm having a real problem with this osso buco.
I can't believe Dr.
Morrison recommended it.
It's terrible.
- You don't like food.
- What do you mean, I don't like food? You don't like food.
Every time we've gone out, - you're like "I don't like this food.
" - No, I didn't like your food.
- That's what - You didn't like my food? Your food come on, you were the worst cook in the world.
- Oh, stop it.
- You know that.
"Stop it.
" You are the only one that thinks that.
I think you're not a good eater.
- Really? You think I'm - Yeah, you're not a good eater.
Anyway, I'd better shut up, because I'm planning on I'm planning on a big move later and I think I might hurt my chances if I keep criticizing your food.
- You're right.
- Yeah.
A big big move.
- Is that what this is? - Yeah, exactly.
- A big storm warning? - I'm Babe Ruth calling the shot.
All right.
Oh, there's your friend Ted Danson.
Ted Danson? No, he's over there.
- Is that weird? - It was great.
Yeah, it's really weird.
I'll be right back.
- You're you're kidding.
- To the Vineyard? - Yeah.
- Yeah, you could.
You could.
- Hey, Larry.
- Hi.
- Hi, Lar.
- Hey, buddy.
- Are you having a nice time? - Yes, thank you so much.
- Thank you, buddy.
- I find it a little odd, frankly, that I got you this $300 gift certificate to the restaurant and you chose to take them and not me.
But if we took you, wouldn't that be you giving a gift to yourself? - No, not really.
- You somehow No, I gave you a gift and I just think that the nice thing to do would have been "Hey, you know what? Why don't you come with us?" Was there a stipulation on the gift certificate, - "$300 plus take me"? - No.
No, but don't you feel a little bit funny that you're - eating dinner under it's my money? - Not at all.
- I paid for your gift.
- What, have you got a beef with me now? - Yeah? - I've got a side beef with you.
- I've got a beef with him.
- You know what? - We've had a really nice fun night - Do me a favor.
which is more than we would've had if we'd brought you.
From now on don't get us a gift.
No more gifts.
At least I got you a gift, okay? I didn't have my daughter go up and sing a song.
- What the hell does that mean, Larry? - Oh, come on now.
- Is that supposed to be a gift? - Yes, that was a gift from the heart.
- That is not a gift.
- And you know what? You had no right to shut her up.
- That was mean.
That was cruel.
- It was horrible.
- It was over the line.
- Her self-esteem is down the toilet.
I'm sorry about that, but it had nothing to do with her.
I just I can't stand the sound of the human voice.
You can't stand the sound of the human voice?! What are you talking about? My father used to sing in the house all the time.
I couldn't take it.
And to this day, any singing around me - You're full of it.
- Bullshit.
Bullshit.
It's bullshit.
He's making it up.
I'm not making it up.
This happens to be the truth.
- I've never heard this about you, ever.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry about that.
Hey hey hey.
Hey hey.
That's okay.
We've got it.
We've got it.
We've got it.
We're good.
Hey.
We're good.
We're good.
Pipe it down.
We're good.
We're good.
That's okay.
Lock it up.
Lock it up.
We're good.
Very good.
It was very good.
Honestly.
Very good.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're we're eating now.
We're eating.
We can't listen now.
Come on.
Right, people? Huh? While we're eating? We don't we don't need that.
Come on.
Damn it.
Hey, would you mind switching sides? Switch si sides? Uh, okay.
- Okay.
- I kinda prefer that side.
- Oh.
All right.
- Yeah.
Oh, here, you you go.
- Thanks.
- Better? - Much better.
- All good? You're so agreeable.
I really love that about you.
Aren't I? Thanks.
What's going on here? Oh, damn it.
- Do you want some pie? - Pie? Oh my God, it's delicious.
- Mmm.
- Oh.
- This is so good.
- Really? I made it.
Do you want some? - You made it? - Yeah, I took a dessert class.
It is delicious and I'm not kidding.
All right, I'll try it.
- Have it.
It's good.
Honestly.
- Okay, fine.
- All right.
- Sorry.
What is it? What kind? Oh, shit.
It's my boyfriend.
You've got to be quiet.
What are you talking you didn't tell me you had a boyfriend.
Hello? What's going on? Uh oh, nothing.
You know, I was just hanging out, - not really doing anything actually.
- Ah! - Oh, Wow! Wow! - Oh! Oh! Oh, God.
No no, I'm watching TV.
It's like on the Discovery Channel.
Why don't we talk about it tomorrow? Oh.
Oh, you are.
Then I'll I'll see you in a minute.
Okay.
Bye.
Fuck.
- You've gotta go.
- What? My boyfriend's coming over.
You didn't tell me you had a boyfriend.
It didn't come up.
You didn't ask me.
Well, it should've come up.
No? Listen.
You've gotta go 'cause this will suck seriously for me.
- Do you like him? - Larry, you've got to go.
L I can't get into this now.
- Did I leave anything here? - Hello? No, you're fine.
You've got to go.
Larry, please.
He will not understand this situation.
Yeah, I don't understand the situation.
He will kill me.
He will kill you.
We can talk about it later.
- Kill me? Is he a big guy? - You don't want to find out.
I'm not kidding.
The food was just awful.
Terrible.
Honestly, I can't even believe you recommended that.
Well, I liked the osso buco.
It didn't taste like osso buco to me.
It was bad osso buco.
It'd be hard to find a better osso buco than that.
Ah.
Anyway, I'm sorry about the call again.
It was a complete accident.
You know who never makes a mistake like that? My service.
- Really? Interesting.
- That's right.
- Please don't call again.
- Okay, but like I said, it was a wrong number.
I did not intend to call you.
Well, perhaps, but it was intrusive.
You have a beautiful home, by the way.
How do you know that? Your assistant gave me your info when I asked for your home phone number.
You're right in my neighborhood.
You're right up the street.
You're the house on the corner with that trellis - what do you call it, an arbor? - An arbor.
Arbor.
Yeah, you've got the arbor in the front.
- I know that house.
- You know, I'm a little uncomfortable - with you having all this information.
- What am I gonna do? There should be a little more openness in the doctor business.
Everything is so confidential, you know? I have too many patients.
I don't want them all to have my information.
Well, I'm the only one who has it.
Well, don't call, don't knock on the door - Oh yeah.
but you're welcome here any time - you have a problem.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.
So what do you think we should do about the hand? There are two ways to go with the hand: Put a bandage on; not put a bandage on.
In my opinion, it'd be better to leave it open.
Well, are you the same person who recommended that restaurant with the osso buco? I don't quite see the connection.
Well, your restaurant recommendation was so awful, I just don't see how I can trust your medical recommendation.
They're different.
Not to me.
- Wrap it up.
- You want it wrapped up? - Yeah.
- All right, Doctor.
Whatever you say.
- Hello? - Larry? Hi, it's Mary Jane.
Oh, hey, can I call you back? I'm exercising.
Uh, no, you know, my friend he found your bandage in the garbage can here and he knows it's you.
He knows you were here.
- What? - Yeah, it was really horrible.
I kind of freaked out and I ended up giving him your your phone number and your address.
Are you crazy?! What did you do that for? I know, I'm sorry.
It's crazy, but he just he just wore me down.
It was so horrible, and he's on his way to your house right now.
Oh my.
Oh, shit.
Hi, Dr.
Morrison.
I'm so sorry to bother you.
Honestly somebody's after me.
They're at my house.
I didn't know what to do! I was running and I saw your house.
Mr.
David, what the hell are you doing here? I'm I'm telling you I just need a place to stay.
If I could just stay here for a while, spend the night.
- Well, you can't spend the night? - I'll go in the guest room.
I'll close the door.
You won't even know I'm here! I'm sitting here having a nice quiet night with my wife, we're having a glass of wine, and you bust in here saying - you want to stay here all night?! - Hello.
I'm so sorry.
Please please please don't involve Mrs.
Morrison.
I'm not involving her.
You have a lovely home by the way.
- Thank you.
- Lovely.
I love that print.
And I think it's a little provocative, coming in here like this in front of my wife with no pants on! You should go home and get dressed.
I was running out! I ran out of the house.
I give you my phone number, you call me.
You drive by my house.
Now you're in my house? How about if I just hang out here? I'll sit on the steps.
What, all night? Sit on the steps? - I can't go out there! - My family is here! Do you mind if I stay on the steps, Mrs.
Morrison? No no, Mrs.
Morrison does you're not staying on the steps.
You know, you're a doctor.
You're sending me out to get hurt.
What about the Hippocratic Oath? When you're hurt, come back and I'll treat you.
- Go home, Mr.
David! - Do you agree with this? - You say you only live - Do you agree with this? Please! Don't bring Mrs.
Morrison into this.
- Fine.
- And you ought to put some pants on.
You know what? You're going to be getting a call from me soon an emergency call.
I have your home phone number.
- I'll to be making an emergency call! - Call my service! I'm calling an emergency call to you! Don't call me and I'll call you! I'm so happy you're home.
You've got to let me come in and spend the night.
Somebody's chasing me.
There's a guy after me.
I swear to God! I'm not making it up! - What are you wearing? - What? I'm wearing shorts.
- That's disgusting.
- I workout in shorts.
I'm sorry.
You know something? You really disappointed me last night.
That sweet guy trying to sing a song you absolutely destroyed his confidence.
You know that? He can't sing anymore because of you.
Well, I'll you know, I'll talk to him.
- Talk to him? - I will.
I will.
Yeah, build up his confidence after that.
I actually will.
I'll do that.
You are a selfish motherfucker.
- I'm selfish? - You are.
I buy you a fantastic gift, and you take Jeff Greene? That's $150.
- So what? - That's my $150! Is that what's bothering you? $150? At least I gave you a present.
I didn't have my daughter - sing some bullshit song - Here.
Here's your $150.
- Take your $150 and not be able to carry a tune! and go buy yourself some fucking pants, will you? - Hey, I'm so glad you're home.
- Hey.
Mary Jane Porter's boyfriend is after me.
- What's going on? - I need to spend the night here! I won't bother you.
I won't even use the kitchen! I swear to you I'll just stay in the guest room.
- Please.
Come on.
- All right, all right.
- Come on in.
- Put something on.
I don't want to have to look at this.
Jesus.
Shut up! What the fuck? Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! Jesus Christ! - What the fuck? - Mommy! I was singing - and Larry told me to shut the fuck up! - He did what?! - Out! - Huh? What? - Out! Get the hell out of my house! - What the hell? You ingrate! You hurt Sammi one more time, Larry! Get the fuck out of my house, okay?! You squashed the spirit of a talented young girl! You piece of shit! You heartless piece of shit! Out! - I'm sorry you took it so personally - That's all right.
because it honestly, it really wasn't you.
- You mean that? - Yes, absolutely.
- Now come on.
- Just go sing, will you, please? - Okay.
Okay.
Thanks.
- Okay.
- What the - What are you doing? - What are you doing here? - I had to go talk to that singer.
- What are you doing here? - Uh, listen.
I'm meeting Christian Slater and his girlfriend here and my boyfriend's in the bathroom right now.
He's gonna come out and you should go.
- Don't stand there.
- But he doesn't know what I look like.
- Go go go go.
- Yeah, but I know.
- Oh, whoa, I'm sorry.
- Oh.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, wait, are you Larry David? No.
Nuh-uh.
- No.
No.
- What? Hey hey! Excuse me.
Hey hey! Hey hey! Hey! You're not looking for Larry David by any chance, are you? Yeah, I am.
Thank you.
Thanks, man.
Hey!