Grace and Frankie (2015) s07e04 Episode Script

1 Well, I don't know ♪ Why I came here tonight ♪ Got the feeling ♪ That something ain't right ♪ I'm so scared ♪ In case I fall off my chair ♪ And I'm wondering ♪ How I'll get down the stairs ♪ And there's clowns to the left of me ♪ Jokers to the right, here I am ♪ Stuck in the middle with you ♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪ [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
[GRACE.]
Ah-ah-ah! - Put that ship down.
- That's what we're doing.
No, not there.
Back on the mantel.
- But we're gonna watch Cajun Pawn Stars.
- I don't care.
You understand that we always move the ship so that we can actually see the TV? That's when you were staying a few days.
New rule: You touch my ship, you die.
- Prison's hardened you.
- [GRACE.]
No.
You two have hardened me.
Prison's been a joy.
Usually, when a loved one is behind bars, there's less glee and more gloom.
What's to be gloomy about? I get to see Nick an hour every day.
We make the most of it.
He's never on his phone 'cause it's contraband, so when we talk, he is really there.
Hm.
Captive, in fact.
[GRACE.]
We never argue about dinner 'cause it's a set menu.
And then we do our own thing.
He goes back to his room, I go back to mine.
But your room is a beach house and his is a jail cell.
Since you've been living here, my beach house is also a jail cell.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Well, scoff all you want.
This arrangement has done wonders for my marriage.
It's kind of a perfect relationship.
I don't know how I ever had a relationship with somebody that wasn't locked up.
Well, it must be working because you're absolutely glowing.
- Can we move the ship? - Try it.
Frankie, should we really be taking this meeting - without Grace? - Why? Because she said we shouldn't be taking this meeting without her.
Oh, it's fine.
She's in jail.
She's happy.
She'll be thrilled to find out we've landed a manufacturer for the Rise Up.
With what? We're candy rich and cash poor.
We haven't reached the point in our money laundering where we actually get the money.
How much candy have we moved? Three boxes.
To my nephew.
And I had to really lean on him.
And Robert ate seven, so we're actually in the red.
Okay, money is a tomorrow problem.
This is just a meeting to schmooze the guy.
Grace is the closer, we're the schmoozers.
Oh, I see.
It's one of those get-to-know-you meetings where I tell charming anecdotes while they stare at my chest.
Exactly.
You never talk brass tacks this early.
As newcomers, we appreciate you welcoming us into the community of toileteers.
My pleasure.
Now, let's talk rubber washers, shall we? That's what we call "brass tacks" in the biz.
[FRANKIE CLEARS THROAT.]
You know, I have a charming anecdote that I'd love to share about a young child's bravery during the Blitz.
And, yes that child was me.
Interesting you say "child" because I too was a child once.
All right, ladies, I have a hard out, so to get this into production, I'm gonna need a 30% startup fee.
My prices are competitive.
That said, I can't do it for peanuts.
Of course not.
How about Abba-Zabas? Excuse me? [FRANKIE.]
Let's say the toilets cost 100,000.
I could pay you up front, in cash, with candy.
I'm sorry.
I'm a little lost.
Is "candy" code for something? Money.
So you're going to pay me with money? No.
Candy.
Okay.
Is this a prank? Oh.
Did those meatheads over at David Budin's Shower & Bath send you? No! We're serious.
Now, are you going to take our 200,000 dollars' worth of candy and make toilets for us or not? - I can't believe you made this.
- Hmph.
It's actually good.
A lot of time to work on my skills.
Want a tat later? No.
I'll stick to the quesadillas.
It's a "prison-dilla.
" We steal cheese from the kitchen, put it on a tortilla made of Flaming Hot Cheeto dust, then all you need is a microwave and Blowtorch.
Why need a blowtorch if you have a microwave? Blowtorch is a person.
And he owns the microwave.
[PA BEEPS.]
[MAN ON PA.]
Visiting hours are almost over.
Say your goodbyes, folks.
Well, I hate to eat and run, but I guess our hour is up.
Time really flies in this place.
It famously does not.
And I hate it when you leave.
I know.
Me too.
Grace I didn't want to jinx this, but I've been talking to my lawyer, and there's a chance I could get out if I admit guilt and write a big check.
You mean, like, "out" out? "Out" out.
No more hour visits.
No walls between us.
Just you and me.
Oh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Wow.
That's great.
- You sure you wanna plead guilty? - Yes! If it gets me out of here.
Yeah, well, sure, but, I mean, isn't there something to be said for fighting for your innocence and for the truth? The truth is I'm guilty.
Guilty, yes, but not "guilty" guilty.
No, I'm "guilty" guilty.
And that's just the charges they've got me on.
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC PLAYING.]
My neck hurts.
What alternative do we have? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe we move the ship? Well, you heard Grace, she said she'd kill us.
And she doesn't fear prison.
Oh, Robert, get ahold of yourself.
She'll never know.
Careful, Sol.
Oh, I can't look.
Ooh.
Ah-ah-ah! No, no, no.
Not there.
You'll knock it off.
You're all feet.
If you don't like where it is, move it.
Fine.
Steady as she goes.
Oh, shut up.
- [CRASHING.]
- [ROBERT SHOUTS.]
We need to leave and never come back.
But our house isn't finished yet.
You wanna be here when Grace finds out? I can be packed in five minutes.
To be honest, I'd rather get circumcised at a hospital, but it means a lot to my dad, so I'm thinking of getting a bris.
Bris? I'm here to paint your house.
Kidding! [CHUCKLES.]
Just part of my shtick.
- And I'm gonna take part of yours.
- Jesus.
Him I don't know.
Listen, I've been doing this for 30 years.
Sober for three.
We should get a second opinion from a doctor.
Doctor-shmoctor.
They charge an arm and a leg.
I work for tips.
You want me to do it now? I'll go get my garden shears.
Call the doctor.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV.]
Well, you really screwed up this time.
What? What did I do? You made us look like whack-jobs.
- You don't need me for that.
- Exactly.
Joan-Margaret and I went to a meeting, and you weren't there to rein us in, so we may have insulted the toilet man with our candy offer.
I told you to cancel that meeting.
No.
You're not turning this around on me, lady.
Someone had to make the decisions when you were off having the time of your life in jail.
I was gone for only two hours.
God, you take longer to put on your jewelry.
It's called layering, Grace.
Look, even if we had the money, there's nothing we can do until the mechanic finishes testing the new part.
Wrong again.
Luanne called from the Hot Hot Chili Festival, where she had tested our toilet under adverse conditions, and it held up like a champ.
That is the most disgusting good news I have ever heard.
Grace, your pantsuit looks marvelous! Oh, and, Frankie, you're very charming on the small screen.
Is that Shark Tank? We said we wouldn't watch that episode in this house.
You said she couldn't watch porn during her breaks.
That was delicious television, darlings.
I don't come off too bad? - Not bad at all - Good.
for someone who betrayed her best friend for a man who betrayed the American taxpayer.
How did the toilet come off? What is Twitter saying? That's the interesting part, dear.
Apparently, everyone hates Grace, but they love the toilet.
Let me Let me look.
Oh, my God.
Listen to these comments.
"Where do I get a Rise Up?" "My mom needs one!" "Grace is a bitch.
" "Tried it at Chili Fest, works great!" Oh, we're a hit, ladies! Let's celebrate.
No time.
We need to strike while the toilet's hot.
We've got to roll up our sleeves, eliminate all distractions.
We've got to cancel our plans.
I don't know if we can cancel our plans.
I know you're worried about me missing the ostrich rodeo, and, yes, tickets are nonrefundable and they're 300 apiece, and I bought a block of six, but the rodeo can wait.
I'm not worried about the rodeo.
See, we might have a small distraction because Nick might be getting out of jail.
- What? - Yeah.
Oh, great.
Just as things are coming together, he swoops in right in time to fuck things up for us.
Again.
No, but he's not gonna do that.
It probably won't even happen anyway.
- It might.
And if it does - I'll handle it.
Like you did last time? This isn't like last time.
That's why I told you.
Trust me, I got this.
After the M'Challah debacle, Jessica and I went to see that place Brianna showed us.
- And? - Perfect for us.
- Ooh.
- It's like a giant tiny house.
You mean a house? Yeah.
It's great.
There's just one problem.
We're about 30,000 short on the down payment, and I was thinking maybe I could get a loan? - Oy.
- I'll pay you back in less than six months.
Ten years, max.
As much as I'd love to help, have you ever thought about selling off some assets? I'm not allowed to sell any more sperm.
Not what I was referring to.
Assets, plural? Who am I, the Monopoly Man, Archibald J.
Peckwith? No, no.
I just Is that his name? Shot in the dark.
I'm talking about selling your Sacagawea.
What? No way.
Mm-mm.
I've had that forever.
- You got it out of a cereal box.
- So what? I'm supposed to just sell my lucky coin? Yeah.
Now that it's worth a whole bunch of money.
- It's priceless to me.
- Why? Because - It is.
- Dude, that is not a good explanation.
Listen, if you want to take this big of a step with Jessica, you need to be willing to make some equally big sacrifices.
Going in for a refill.
[GRUNTS, THEN GROANS.]
- When's your dick getting fixed? - Not soon enough.
You're welcome.
Excuse me? I opened the door for you.
And no one asked you to.
That was your choice.
My choice was to be polite.
Actually, your choice was to assume I needed you to open the door.
I'm sorry for noticing you have your hands full with your Michael Bublé CD.
You got a problem with him? Not with Bublé.
I've got a problem with you.
What? [SNICKERS.]
Have fun listening to your CD on the way to Blockbuster! Crushed it.
It needs more air again.
[ROBERT.]
Fine, just don't get up too quickly The stupid pump isn't working.
I'm never gonna fall asleep.
Me neither.
May I interest you in some shut-eye? Those things never work for me.
Couldn't hurt though.
Coming aboard.
Great.
Now I have to pee.
Aw, jeez.
[EXCLAIMS.]
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Frankie, dear.
- What gives? I've got someone who can help us move the candy.
I was at Walden Villas, trolling for tail Otherwise known as Thursday.
And I found this total dime-piece screaming at one of the orderlies.
Hello, Frankie.
What's poppin', Howard? My beautiful new girlfriend told me you were in a pickle.
Oh, I wouldn't say "girlfriend.
" Let's see how lunch goes.
Anyway, I was told you girls need to lose some candy, fast.
But you screwed us over once.
Why should we trust you now? One, I never hit a mark twice.
Two, I'm easy to catch.
We promised we'd deal with this when Grace gets back.
Just hear what he has to say.
If the idea sucks, you can show him the door.
But he will be here until Walden Villas comes back with the ramp van.
I was also told that there would be lunch.
There's a full lunch on your shirt.
Fine.
What's the play? When I heard of your predicament, I didn't know if I could help.
I mean, sure, I've been in the candy game before.
Raised thousands of dollars for my grandson's baseball team.
That's impressive.
What's his name? - Whose name? - Your grandson's.
What grandson? It was a scam, Kojak.
When the La Jolla Little League found out, they shut me down.
That's Little League.
This is the Bigs.
I got a big solution.
When I heard you were lousy with Abba-Zabas, it reminded me of something I heard from an old contact.
A Norwegian candy smuggler, Hummer Von Vuckinschloker.
He told me that Zabas weren't sold in Norway, which resulted in a huge black market for them.
And once we cut in Von Hamantaschen, what's in it for you? How about a chance to help a classy broad like Joanie? Spend a few of my last precious moments on earth with her.
And 40% off the top.
Oh.
Zero percent and you got yourself a girlfriend.
[HORN HONKS.]
- Robert, wake up.
- No.
Robert! I think someone broke in.
Don't be ridiculous.
We've been right here the whole time.
Well, I'll be damned.
How can we have slept through a robbery? We were on sleep meds.
What the hell's his excuse? We've gotta figure out our strategy.
I think we can get a reduced sentence and minimum security.
Unless we ask for total freedom, which is a long shot.
- Minimum security.
- Total freedom.
- You want me to stay in prison? - No.
You heard what Elena said.
Minimum security is our only option.
- I don't know that I - I'm paraphrasing.
But I heard if you roll the dice and lose, they could come down harder on you.
Then you could be put away for who knows how long.
Am I right, Elena? - Well - Thank you.
It's not like it's a real prison.
It's prison-lite.
Right? They're basically country clubs.
You'd be playing tennis with other tax evaders.
I already do that.
And if I testify against my buddies, who'll play with me? Well, you'll make new friends.
Like you did with Blowtorch.
You think Blowtorches grow on trees? Tell them no deal.
We'll take the deal.
- What are you talking about? - We gotta get real.
You do the crime, you do the time.
No, you do the crime, you pay the dime.
That's the saying, right? - I don't - Thank you.
- Don't you want me to get out? - Of course I do.
I just don't want you to run the risk of landing yourself in jail for longer.
This isn't something you can just negotiate your way out of.
- Actually - Elena, please.
Honey, as your wife, I'm asking you, choose the safer option.
- For me.
- [CELL PHONE JINGLING.]
Wait.
How did you sneak your phone in here? Oh, please.
I'm 82.
They wouldn't pat me down if I begged them.
Frankie? I can't do time.
There has to be some kind of Hail Mary to get me out.
- So Grace is 82? - Mm-hm.
I think I have an idea.
- What's going on? - [FRANKIE.]
I'm taking care of business! I'm gonna make you so proud, mama bear.
Please tell me you're not meeting with another manufacturer.
Nope! I'm meeting with a Norwegian candy smuggler.
Oh, God.
We just have to face the fact that we can't afford that house.
We'll wallow in extreme nachos and then move on.
Damn it.
I really thought that was the one.
Maybe it still is.
Look, I may have our down payment right here.
I got it from a cereal box.
Really funny.
- What are you doing? - What are you doing? Pull over.
Where'd it go? Dr.
Dumanis was called away on emergency, but there's no need to be nervous, hon.
- Dr.
Green is more than capable.
- Good.
She likes to listen to music while she operates.
- Wanna look at the options? - Uh Whatever makes her hands the steadiest is fine.
- I will play her new favorite.
- Great.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
All of me ♪ Is that Bublé? It is.
[DOOR OPENS.]
How are we feeling today, Mr.
Bergstein? [IN BRITISH ACCENT.]
I'm just a wee bit nervous, innit? More importantly, how are you? - I'm good.
- [BUD.]
Huzzah! Are you currently taking any medications? - None me can think of, matey.
- Mm-hm.
- Oh! It's you.
- No, it's not.
Alrighty.
Yeah.
I will be with you in just a second.
Thank you so much.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Nope.
Oh.
Why didn't you tell me it was worth $30,000? I was about to.
How was I supposed to know that you were gonna chuck a dollar? - Who chucks a dollar? - I thought you were joking.
You told me you got it out of a cereal box.
That was just the beginning of a story.
Very often that's your whole story.
I've had this in my pocket since I was a kid.
Wow.
Can't believe you've had it for so long.
You know, before I got clean, I used to go on these benders where I'd just disappear.
Anyway, years ago, I was on the tail-end of one and I was desperate.
So I went to my dealer's house to buy more shit, but I was a dollar short.
And the guy, he was an asshole, he wouldn't give me anything.
So, what'd you do? I dug through my pockets.
And found the coin.
But you still have the coin.
When I looked at it, I remembered how insanely happy I was, you know? Just to get this prize out of a cereal box.
And there I was, willing to throw it away for something that was never gonna make me happy.
So I told the guy to fuck off.
And I checked myself into rehab.
And I've been clean ever since.
Coyote, you can't get rid of that coin.
You have to keep it.
No matter what.
No, I don't.
Because I've found something else that makes me insanely happy.
And I wanna live in that house with you.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [SOL.]
Oh! - [ROBERT.]
Oh, dear.
[SOL.]
Oh.
Oh, my God.
What? [ROBERT SCOFFS.]
Some watchdog.
[SOL.]
Ah.
That two-bit thief.
Doesn't understand the worth of a Tappy.
[BOTH.]
Oh! This is the most embarrassing crime I've ever seen.
- You must be Van Helsing.
- No, I am Hummer Von Vuckinschloker.
Howard says you bring the candy.
So you bring the candy? Feast your eyes on this, Von Shmucker.
What is this? Candy, of course.
Where are Kit Kats? Kit Kats? You need Zabas.
Because of the shortage.
What is this, many years ago in the past? Zabas are everywhere since 2018.
Kit Kats are hot now.
Look, Heidi, I didn't get in the toilet biz to get into the candy biz to be told I've got the wrong candy.
What the fuck is going on? [GRACE.]
Frankie, the candy jig is up.
We don't need that guy.
According to this candy chat room, there's a guy from Manila hunting for Necco Wafers.
- Frankie, enough.
- But, Grace No buts.
You're not a candy smuggler.
You're not a money launderer.
Not yet but I am trying.
Do you hear yourself? Even for you, you sound crazy.
What about you? You made your ex-husband put money down his pants to hide it from the FBI.
I've never been prouder, but it was bonkers.
You wanna hear bonkers? I just tried to keep my current husband in prison.
- Well, that's just bat-shit.
- Yeah.
God.
And I lied to the FBI.
I don't do that.
I went to Miss Caterwall's Finishing School and turned in girls for mumbling the Pledge of Allegiance! Jesus, Grace.
Well, I'm not proud of that.
And I'm not proud of Of how I've been acting lately.
When did we become these people? You know what I think? It all started when we took that money from the couch.
- We knew it was dirty.
- Yeah, and pretended it wasn't.
And all it's done since then is made us lose our minds.
Oh, we were so close to making the Rise Up happen.
I just wanted to get us across the finish line.
We'll get there.
Just not like this.
[SIGHS.]
So, what the hell do we do with all this damn candy? You know what? I feel better already.
You really are our "getting out of messes" person.
Coming from our "getting into messes" person, that means a lot.
Speaking of which, if we don't return the U-Haul, they will charge us.
- "Us"? - You.
They'll charge you.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Anyone need a turtleneck changed into a crewneck? - V-necks are extra.
- [SIGHS.]
Okay.
If we're gonna do this, we'll need to set up some ground rules.
Sure thing.
- I touch yours, you don't touch mine.
- Yes, that's one.
But, also, no more jokes until after the procedure.
You got it.
I won't put you in stitches until after the stitches.
I have to be honest.
You really need some new material.
- You think you can do better? - Well, yes, I do.
Fine, pitch me some new jokes.
But I cut anything I don't like.
[GROANS.]
Let's just get this over with.
[GRACE.]
Hear that, Frankie? That's the sound of no dirty candy.
And no fussy ex-husbands.
Just you and me, baby.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Don't people know not to knock when I'm drinking? Nick? How are you here? Elena worked a miracle.
She got me a deal that beat minimum security.
Cute, huh? And you'll get to see it every day because I'm here on house arrest with you.
And you.
All of me ♪ Why not take all of me? ♪ Can't you see ♪ I'm no good without you ♪ Take my arms, I'll never use them ♪ Your goodbye ♪ Left me with eyes that cry ♪ Now I'm lost without you ♪ And now that you took that part ♪ That used to be my heart ♪