Last Comic Standing (2003) s07e04 Episode Script

[cheers and applause.]
[jazz music.]
Good evening.
Tonight, America's top comics Will face the most important performance of their lives.
Only the best will move on to the next round.
Who will survive? [laughter.]
Who has what it takes to make it? Why am I holding this cat? [laughter.]
You're about to find out.
The last comic standing semifinals start right now.
[cheers and applause.]
Oh, yeah, it's the semifinals.
The top funny men and women From our historic search Take the stage for the performance of their lives.
It's gonna be a doozy.
Who will crumble under the pressure? Don't heckle yet.
I haven't even gotten to a joke.
Who will steal the spotlight? My father was a gambler.
We were rich seven times.
Who will crack the code and figure out what this means? - ooba-doo boo-boo-doo Tonight, it's the battle for comedy greatness Oh, God.
The battle for $250,000 And the title of last comic standing.
Be about it! [cheers and applause.]
Ladies and gentlemen, Please put your hands together For the host of last comic standing, The nasty and delicious Craig Robinson.
[cheers and applause.]
Welcome to last comic standing.
[cheers and applause.]
After auditioning thousands of comics from across the country, We brought the brightest and the best here To the Alex Theatre in Hollywood For our semifinals.
[cheers and applause.]
yeah.
Our first group of semifinalists will take the stage.
Only the funniest will move on to the next round.
And now let's meet the people largely to blame For the collection of talent we have assembled here tonight.
Our judges, ladies and gentlemen, First you know him from everybody loves raymond And the late show with David letterman, Give it up for Andy kindler! [cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Next up, she first turned heads On Reno 911 and is now a favorite On Chelsea lately and the tonight show.
Say hello to the lovely and magnificent Natasha Leggero.
Thank you! Thank you.
Okay.
All right, then.
And last but not least, His performances on the comedy central roasts are legendary, And his new DVD midlife vices Has earned rave reviews.
Please give it up for Greg giraldo.
[cheers and applause.]
Double g! Okay, are you ready for the first comic of the night? [cheers and applause.]
Last season, I auditioned for last comic standing, And I was one of the first comics not standing.
And now this season I am back, And I am now in the semifinals, Which is redemptive.
I'm ready to do this, As I'd say if I was someone else.
Please welcome Myq Kaplan.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you very much.
Let's have another round of applause when I'm done.
[cheers and applause.]
You guys seem smart, which is great.
'cause you're not encouraged To be smart these days.
Growing up in school, There are bullies who are like, "I'll knock the books out of your hands.
Now neither of us can read.
" [laughter.]
You don't have to read 'cause every book's made into a movie.
Just go see a movie.
You don't have to read a book.
But book people are getting smart.
They're called authors.
Book people, they'll re-release a book When a movie comes out, put a picture on the cover, Trick people who like movies into buying books.
[laughter.]
Example: Fight club was a movie made out of a book.
They re-released it.
People were like, "oh, Brad pitt's in this book.
" So far, just words.
Hmm.
[laughter.]
Some people are reading, But they're getting into religious fiction.
You know, reading things like the Da Vinci code Or the bible, and I know, yeah [laughter.]
Sure, the Da Vinci code might be real, okay? [cheers and applause.]
Whatever your religion is, that's great, Just don't get so religiously extreme You start denying reality.
There's people who are like, "gay doesn't exist.
" You don't see gay in the natural world.
" You know what I don't see as much in the natural world? Angels.
[laughter.]
Those are half-human, half-bird creatures.
The devil's half-man, half-goat.
I've seen gays more is all I'm saying.
[laughter.]
Like, there's some people who think That the devil is the ultimate evil And that gay people are the ultimate evil, But they don't think the devil is gay.
Why not? I mean, he's horny and flaming.
Close enough.
So [laughter.]
Thank you guys so much.
My name's Myq Kaplan.
[cheers and applause.]
Myq with a q! Give it up! [cheers and applause.]
[Italian accent.]
okay, judges, let's talk to myq.
Wow.
Myq.
Myq, you--you killed.
You absolutely killed.
You guys also killed.
You guys.
Which means that I lost the pool.
'cause I didn't predict that.
I appreciate your support.
You were fantastic.
I can't think of a better line in comedy Than "brad pitt is in this book.
" [laughter.]
Yeah, it was great.
It was so funny.
Thank you.
You are great and funny.
[laughter.]
And, I mean, you have This very subdued, kind of intellectual comedy, And it still killed in this theatre setting.
[cheers and applause.]
Myq, the crowd didn't like you, But I-I thought you were funny.
Thank you.
I don't know what's wrong with these people.
I don't know what [cheers.]
That was great.
That was a great, great, great set.
Thank you so much.
Another hand for myq Kaplan.
[cheers and applause.]
We're just getting started here.
When we return, we'll have more semifinalists, And I'm gonna start drinking.
[cheers and applause.]
[cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to last comic standing.
[cheers and applause.]
Our next comic will charm your socks off, And if you're not wearing any socks, She'll just charm the skin off your feet.
The stakes are so high in this competition That, if you think about it too much, You just become incredibly overwhelmed.
And I am quite terrified To know that millions of people are watching.
America, allow me to introduce you To Jamie Lee.
[applause.]
Oh, my gosh, it is so good to be here.
Hello, hello.
Oh, wow.
So I am-- I'm from Texas originally.
[cheers and applause.]
and But I live in New York now.
I live with a roommate, And she's a model.
She's self-righteously skinny, Loves to just force little nutrition tips on my life.
She was like, "jamie, maybe you should think About giving up butter.
" And I was like, "julie, you do cocaine.
" [laughter.]
"okay, how about I lower my cholesterol "when you lower your heart rate for five minutes.
Okay?" So I-I used to date a comedian, And I guess I knew the relationship was falling apart When ever our inside jokes were bombing.
[laughter.]
'cause I was all like, "why'd the chicken cross the road?" And he's like, "'cause this isn't working.
" [laughter.]
So, yeah, no.
We had so much fun together, though.
We would go out drinking And then we'd go back to my apartment, Things would get a little Randy in the bedroom.
You know, we'd start shouting These aggressively dominating questions at each other.
He'd be like, "who's your daddy?" And I'd be like, "where's your erection?" And it was just [laughter.]
All right, I'm Jamie.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause.]
Jamie Lee, people! Thank you.
Judges, tell us how you feel.
I like any joke where men get emasculated, So that-- I enjoyed that joke.
"where's your erection?" I love your style, And so not all of it hit with me, But when it hit, it was really, really great.
- Thank you.
- All right.
- That means a lot to me.
- That's all I have to say.
That means everything.
Thank you.
I think you're really funny.
I think your writing's funny.
I wasn't sure how the crowd was responding to you.
[applause.]
And, yeah, I think you have huge potential.
- Thank you.
- Um, so I don't know that this Was maybe the best set you could have done necessarily, But I think you're very, very funny, And I think it was a good set overall.
Thank you.
Thanks so much.
One more time for Jamie Lee.
[cheers and applause.]
I'm not interested in making friends with anybody.
I'm here to win and be a better comic Than all of them.
I want to make it so that I'm so good That, if I don't win, that the audience Will just light the theatre on fire.
[cheers and applause.]
Keep it going for Mike Destefano.
[cheers and applause.]
How's everybody doing? [cheers and applause.]
All right, good, good, good.
I love being out here in Los Angeles.
I grew up in an Italian nei-- all-italian.
I'm part Irish, but I kept that a secret.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Everybody acted Italian in my neighborhood.
We had a chinese friend named carmine, [laughter.]
A black kid named Fabrizio.
That was his name.
Fabrizio.
Fabrizio was great.
He had the best grandmother.
I wish I had a black grandmother.
I got to be honest with you.
They're nice.
They get bigger as they get older.
And they get nicer.
My grandmother-- they shrink, the italians.
They shrink, and they get mean.
They get mean.
My grandmother used to stab me with a knitting needle For not shoplifting.
[laughter.]
All right, thanks.
She'd say, "what'd you get? Nothing? You're gonna end up in college.
" [laughter.]
So I was raised roman-italian.
My father was a gambler.
We were rich seven times.
[laughter.]
It was great.
Every time-- thank you.
Thank you.
Every time he won, we had new furniture, new toys.
When he lost, we had a yard sale.
[laughter.]
Ridiculous.
[cheers and applause.]
I like to walk up to really pretty girls.
I love to walk up to gorgeous girls And just say, "no," and walk away.
[laughter.]
It really ruins their afternoon.
[laughter.]
I met a girl recently, And I was talking to her.
I said, "you know, let's go have dinner.
" She said, "well, I'm bulimic.
" I said, "well, how come you don't have an accent?" [laughter.]
She said, "no, it's a disease.
" I said, "well, I'll get some condoms.
You know, I'm not worried about it.
" [laughter.]
Thank you very much.
I mean, you guys have been great.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause.]
Give it up for Mike Destefano.
Let's hear it from the judges.
Uh, I am frightened by you, Mike, So if I didn't like your act, I wouldn't say That I didn't like it, but I find you hilarious.
And I have--I could not even criticize you on any level Because you make me laugh from the beginning to the end.
In the middle, I'm laughing.
And afterwards, I'm thinking about it and still laughing.
- I--thank you.
[cheers and applause.]
And you have screamers.
[cheers and applause.]
that is - It's about--yeah.
Thank you.
You don't see that very often.
- No, you know, it's--this is sexy now.
This is the new sexy.
[laughter.]
fat, older guys.
I'm sick of you young-- all right, go ahead.
Uh, and the Jesus tattoo, is that from a while ago? - Yeah, yeah, that's actually-- That's Jim Caviezel.
That's not Jesus.
[laughter.]
just so you know.
I don't wanna Okay.
I love you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Great material.
Great point of view, A consistent point of view.
Very funny character from the minute you got out there, You were funny.
Awesome.
Great job.
Thanks, guys.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
One more time for Mike Destefano.
[cheers and applause.]
If I make it onto the next round, That'll be good.
If I don't, somebody's getting hurt.
Somebody's getting hurt.
Andy kindler, he said he was scared of me.
He should be.
'cause if he-- His life is in his own hands really.
[cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to last comic standing.
Tonight, our first group of semifinalists Are performing to move on to the next round.
So far, we've seen some hilarious performances.
Let's see if our next comic can keep the laughs coming.
Performing in the semifinals, This is the biggest audience That I've ever performed in front of in my life.
You know, I've been in front of at least a thousand people.
But this isBig.
This is big.
He's a seasoned comic Who's ready to rock the house.
Please give it up for Kyle grooms.
[cheers and applause.]
[upbeat music.]
All right.
'sup, L.
A.
? [cheers and applause.]
I'm from Jersey.
[cheers.]
Thanks for the love.
People--people usually don't respect Jersey, Though, right? Like, Jersey, we one of the most hated-on places In the world, you know.
Right, we up there with Iraq.
[laughter.]
It's like Iraq, Afghanistan.
New Jersey's right there, man.
I bet if people had the vote to bomb new Jersey, They would be like, "yeah, we should bomb new Jersey.
" [laughter.]
But I'm praying for America, though.
I'm praying for all of our cities, man.
You know, especially after this economic crisis.
I went to Detroit.
You could buy a house for $5.
[laughter.]
Detroit doing so bad, Haiti's throwing them a benefit concert.
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
But I'm praying for America, man, 'cause we have a lot to protect, you know.
We got applebee's and things [laughter.]
Water theme parks.
That's cool.
You know a country's cool When you have water theme parks, 'cause some countries don't have water to drink.
[laughter.]
And we're playing in it.
Right? [cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
I'm Kyle grooms.
That's my time.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause.]
Kyle grooms, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
All right, Kyle, let's see what the judges Thought about your performance.
Andy.
Um, Kyle, you stole my opening line, Which is, "'sup, la?" That's my opening line.
I'm not gonna hold that against you.
You did-- you had a great set.
I really enjoyed it.
Thank you.
I mean, some of the material I thought Was more I don't want to say-- yeah, cutting edge kind of.
Like, the water theme park I thought really cut To the heart in terms of comparing our country To other countries, so some of it stood out More than the rest, but I enjoyed the whole set, So I say hoo-ray, is what I say.
[cheers and applause.]
Natasha.
I thought it was hilarious.
Do people really hate Jersey that much? - Yeah.
- Or is it just snooki? Okay.
Okay, thank you.
Greg.
I think Jersey sucks too.
I agree with you 100%.
[laughter.]
And I think you're hilarious.
It was a great set.
All right, thank you.
Thank you.
One more time for Kyle grooms.
[cheers and applause.]
- Stand-up's what I've always been dreaming of.
And as soon as I started, I knew I was going to be successful.
It's the only thing I've ever been good at In my life.
And so I have to make this work.
I have to be last comic standing.
Coming to the stage right now, Mr.
Shane Mauss.
[cheers and applause.]
All right.
Thank you, guys.
So a couple of years ago, I went to an amusement park, And there's this new ride there.
I had to wait in line for, like, four hours To get on this thing.
Got on it, it was fine enough, But then I see a couple of weeks later in the news This girl goes on the exact same ride, And, in some freak accident, Her legs got lopped off At the knees.
I was like, "what a terrible thing to happen To all of those people waiting in line.
" [laughter.]
Oh, we get it.
Your legs are gone.
I got a fastpass here.
Let's keep it moving, huh? [applause.]
oh.
Can you imagine the frustration, uncomfortable theatre audience? [laughter.]
oh.
You're waiting in line for four hours.
You're the next one to go.
You're right up to the Gate.
All of a sudden, a wave of blood Comes splashing down on you.
You get kicked in the head.
[laughter.]
I don't mean to be insensitive.
Holy smokes.
Poor girl.
Says she's never gonna ride another roller coaster again.
Yeah.
Doesn't meet the height requirement.
[laughter.]
Oh.
I have a girlfriend.
Her name's Maggie.
Wonderful girl.
She--she complains about my drinking a bit.
Which I think that makes-- makes her A little bit of a hypocrite because we first met in a bar.
And I was hammered.
Yeah.
Buyer beware.
[applause.]
Oh.
I walked in the house, I had a bottle of rum with me, And she goes, "I can't believe you.
"you're completely broke, and you go "and you spend money on a bottle of booze.
I can't believe you're that irresponsible.
" I was like, "I'm not.
I stole this.
" Thank you guys very much.
You're wonderful.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Let's hear it for Shane Mauss.
[cheers and applause.]
Okay, judges, Break it down.
Well, the crowd obviously loves dismemberment humor, So that's [laughter.]
As we all do.
Of course.
At one point, you said, "I don't mean to be insensitive.
" I think it was too late in the bit.
[laughter.]
But I think you're very, very funny.
So I really liked it.
- Oh, thank you.
- It was really good.
I like someone who's comfortable With a good, groaning audience.
- Yeah, I like to get people off-balance from the get-go.
- But then they come 'round, and it was really-- I really like to watch you do that.
That was-- that was really funny.
Thanks.
Yeah.
I had fun doing it.
I like any comedian that has the same haircut As my eight-year-old son.
[laughter.]
You were hilarious.
Hilarious, Shane.
Thank you.
Thanks, guys.
One more time for Shane Mauss.
[cheers and applause.]
You know, I think I just hit it home.
I'm in the semifinals.
I think I got a good shot At advancing to the finals.
I can't believe it.
This is overwhelming.
There's no end to the laughter, ladies and gentlemen.
The comics are funny.
The judges are funny.
Let's face it.
It's Monday night.
There's nothing else on.
You got nowhere to go.
We'll be right back.
[cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to the last comic standing semifinals.
If you're just tuning in, you late! [laughter.]
Right now, though, let's get back to the hilarity.
It's time to meet a talented young lady.
Check her out.
I'm pretty excited about the semifinals.
Um, just the opportunity to not have to have a day job.
Um, sorry to the guys in the office.
I love you, but not enough To hang out with you Let's welcome miss adrianne Iapalucci.
[cheers and applause.]
[upbeat music.]
Me any my mom haven't spoken In months, which is weird, 'cause I live in her basement apartment.
The other day, I called her to borrow something, And I actually heard her walk over to the phone, See it was me calling, and then walk away.
[laughter.]
Me and her have always had that kind of relationship.
We got into a fight one year, 'cause I refused to get her A gift for mother's day.
I was like, "you're only a mother 'cause of me.
" [laughter.]
My mom found I'm on birth control.
She was like, "that's really bad for you, adrianne.
" I was like, "so is having a kid you hate.
" [laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
My mom just looked at me and was like, "yeah, I know.
" I used to be a nanny.
That's a fun job if you don't like kids.
I worked For this very rich family, though.
They were so rich, they had a white nanny.
[laughter.]
The thing about working for really rich people Is, like, their kids are five and eight.
They already think they're better than me.
I went over their house, they're watching tv, The little one turns to me, he's like, "I don't want you in here with me.
" I was like, "whatever, I don't want to hang out with you.
"you know that, right? "they pay me to be here.
"it's not like I was in the neighborhood "and was like, 'let me stop by "'and see what Preston's up to.
Maybe we'll color outside the lines for three hours.
'" No matter how bad they were too, I could never hit them, but what I could kind of do Was coerce one into hitting the other.
[laughter.]
Be like, "you're gonna just take that? "I think you're a wuss.
But you gotta do you.
" [laughter.]
I always thought kids were annoying, And then I watched these kids.
I was like, "wow, they're so annoying, "I can't understand why anyone would ever want To be a pedophile.
" [laughter.]
Thank you.
Adrianne Iapalucci.
[cheers and applause.]
Let's hear from the judges.
Adrianne, man, there are a lot of disturbing things Going on in your life, And you have turned them Into what I think is hilarious comedy.
And I think you're-- - I would agree.
I would agree.
You should agree.
Uh, we-- I don't hear a lot-- We haven't heard a lot of pro-pedophile bits, To my knowledge.
But you stated your case well.
Can I ask you something? Do you want me to watch your kids? Is that what you're going to say? No, not my kids.
Not my kids.
But who hired you as a nanny? White people will let anyone watch their kids.
[laughter.]
You are, uh, you're hilarious.
Yeah.
[laughter.]
I thought you were very funny.
That mother's day joke might be one of the best-- You know, that's like the greatest-- One of the greatest jokes.
That was unbelievably great.
You're very, very funny.
Thank you.
I wish you would have ended a little stronger.
But that's just like-- you're just doing what you do.
[monotone.]
yeah.
[laughter and applause.]
One more time for adrianne Iapalucci.
[cheers and applause.]
Making it to the semifinals, yes, Is a real big thing.
The biggest highlight of my life.
The amount of exposure I'm gonna get Is gonna be amazing.
I really can't fathom it right now.
It'll be big.
I'll get recognized at all the laundromats now.
Please welcome my man, Felipe Esparza.
[cheers and applause.]
So how you guys doing tonight? Good.
All right.
[cheers.]
I ride the bus now because I care about the earth.
I think more people would take the bus If all the windows were tinted.
[laughter.]
It's embarrassing how, when you have no seat, You're, like, holding on.
[applause.]
The further you get in that bus, The uglier and creepier people get.
Damn.
The back of the bus looks like the bar from star wars.
[hums.]
[laughter and applause.]
[space alien accent.]
we don't like your kind, homey.
I realize this is how as good-looking As I'm ever gonna be.
I'm done.
I met this girl one time.
She said, "I'm gonna take you to my ex-boyfriend's house To let him know I've moved on.
" I said, "look at me.
You're gonna lose this fight, man.
" [cheers and applause.]
I'm in a bar talking to some girl, And she's a typical L.
A.
Girl Breaking me down.
She said, "you know, if you lost 35 pounds And cut your hair, you'd be a good-looking guy, kind of.
" [laughter.]
I said, "if I did all that, I'd be talking to your friends over there.
" [laughter.]
"I don't know if you-- I don't know "if you know this right now, But I'm taking one for the team right here.
" Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Give it up for Felipe! [applause.]
Thank you.
Any thoughts, judges? I think there's a variance in the material, But you obviously are great.
Your stage presence is really fantastic, so - Thank you.
- I enjoyed that.
[cheers and applause.]
Yeah, Felipe, you were so funny, And everyone loves you.
And what's this-- you already have, Like, a stance or something.
[laughs.]
[cheers and applause.]
That was great.
I loved it.
Is this a home game? [laughter.]
Felipe, you are one of the funniest homeless guys I've ever [laughter.]
Seriously.
A lot of homeless guys You know what? I love-- You're one of those guys, I just love Listening to everything you say.
You know, I don't even care what the jokes are.
You know, your rhythms are great.
You're in step.
And you're one of these guys That's able to talk about your real life, Your own personal experiences, and your own pain And childhood or whatever.
Well, and make it-- make it real and very funny.
You're hilarious.
Great set.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause.]
Felipe Esparza, let him hear it, y'all.
[cheers and applause.]
A little screaming.
A little laughter.
A little riot up there.
I went up there and set the night on fire, man.
That's what I do.
Okay, we gonna take a break.
You'll have to stick around and see who advances, And right now the tension is thick.
We'll be right back.
[upbeat music.]
[upbeat music.]
[cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to the last comic standing Semifinals.
I'm Craig Robinson, And, yes, I'm hosting this thing.
You're welcome, America.
[cheers and applause.]
Now let's get back to the hair pulling.
Let's meet our next comic.
Watch and learn, kids.
Making it to the semifinals is huge for me.
Because I want to be famous, you know.
I want to be famous enough to where I don't have to Go on, uh, dancing with the stars.
Please welcome Jonathan Thymius! [applause.]
[laughter.]
Whew! All right, uh Well, I, uh I got good news and bad news.
The bad news is that because of my enormous weight gain, The doctors had to remove a third of my stomach.
The good news is They let me eat it.
[laughter and applause.]
So, uh So my wife called me a scatterbrain.
So I told her, I said, "listen Whatever your name is" [laughter.]
"I want to find the car as bad as you do.
" [laughter.]
All right, so, uh, forget this.
Who wants to see some ventriloquism? What do you say? [cheers and applause.]
Really? All right.
All right, well, you asked for it.
[laughter.]
Look at that face.
All right.
All right.
All right, well, I'd like you to meet my friend petey.
So, petey, isn't this somethin'? Isn't this great? Last comic standing.
Aren't you excited? Don't you love it? [high-pitched voice.]
yeah, I love that.
I love this place.
[laughter and applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Give it up for Jonathan! [cheers and applause.]
Judges, Jonathan craves your advice.
[laughter.]
Well, um Uh, first of all, slow down a little bit.
You know what I mean? It's like [laughter.]
take your time.
I really think you're hilarious, And I love your delivery.
And, uh, I don't care if you are Completely insane or, uh [laughter.]
I don't care.
I-I-I like it.
Oh, wow.
What do you say? [cheers and applause.]
How, uh, how do you think you did, Jonathan? I just want to hear you talk.
[laughter.]
So the timing's real.
Okay, I just wanted to check.
You are a hilarious, original act.
You know, just great character, great persona.
And then the jokes are great too.
Like, you know, a great joke is a surprise.
There's always a surprise.
The ventriloquist thing, I wouldn't have guessed What you were gonna do with the foot.
You're really an absolute original.
It's--that was great.
Really great.
Oh, thank you.
[cheers and applause.]
thank you.
Thank you, Jonathan.
Let him hear, ladies and gentlemen.
[cheers and applause.]
I think it went pretty well.
I, uh, I don't remember a thing.
It stinks in here, though.
Whew.
Check out Chicago's chi town native, Lil' rel.
The stakes for me is just-- It's really, um It's really half of myself, really.
You know, I really want to bring everybody Into my comedic world, 'cause I have a lot to prove As far as showing people that, you know, Stand-up is not dead.
And it's back in lil' rel, baby! Please welcome to the stage Lil' rel! [cheers and applause.]
Yeah, what's goin' on, L.
A.
? Make some noise, y'all! Give me some energy! [cheers and applause.]
Just a blessing to be alive.
Now, I went to a funeral recently, And this dude, you know, He wanted to read the obituary 'cause his mama passed, But in the--in the program, It said to read silently.
But he asked the preacher just because it was his mama's death That somebody should tell her story.
Preacher was there like, "uh, as you can see here, "the program says to read silently.
"but brother Leroy Jenkins just feels it in his heart "to tell his mama's story.
"brother Jenkins, would you come up here? Heh heh heh.
" [laughter.]
"mama gone! "that just a shell right there! That's not her! "she up there in glory! "I'm 'bout to tell my mama's story.
"and you gon' love it! Whoo, mama!" [laughter and applause.]
"here we go! "in 1900 and fooorty three "Mary Lou Jenkins was born! "a beautiful baby with hair down her back like Beyonce! "she was a newborn, but she had to have silky number seven "down her back! "at the age of 16, "mama wanted to be a nurse.
"but she couldn't, "because she had my stupid sister Lisa! "yeah, Lisa, it's your fault! "mama didn't want to work at woolworth her whole life! "she wanted to be a nurse! "a real nurse, with medical supplies! "you pissed me off! Now I gotta start all over.
"in 1900 and fooorty three "hmm-mary Lou Jenkins was born! "in a carriage, with cowboys doing a bank heist! "they walked--they walked in the carriage "with the money bags, "and Mary Lou Jenkins came right out of it! "and said, 'y'all just stop! And look at this silky number seven on my head.
'" Somebody yell out, "that's not even in there.
" "shut up, Frank! "you just shut up! "when your mama died last year, "you read that dumb poem.
"I didn't say anything! "roses are red, violets are blue.
"yo' mama dead, Frank! "this your auntie's funeral! "now I gotta start all over! In 1900 and for--" Thank y'all.
I'm lil' rel.
That's my time.
Peace out.
[cheers and applause.]
Lil' rel, ladies and gentlemen.
Nice work.
Now let's hear from the judges.
- Well, uh, lil--lil-- can I say "lil'"? Yep, that's cool.
Uh, this was a tough one, because, you know, You have such a limited amount of time, And you did kind of one long bit.
And it didn't so much connect with me.
But I--I think you're funny.
I think that not only was it just one bit, But for even the first laugh, It seemed like it took a really long time to get there.
You know, I'm from Chicago.
I'm from--you know, I do a lot of the urban rooms.
And I'm big on character comedy.
And sometimes, I think that's what's missing in comedy.
Everybody got the zoopa-doop-boom, tss! But I try to bring-- - Boo ba doo doo doo boo.
- I grew up Eddie Murphy and Richard prior-- - I agree with what you're saying.
That's why I don't think there's any criticism In what I'm saying, Because I think that's great That you're doing the characters.
You had your turn, Andy.
- I'm sorry, Craig.
- Yeah.
[laughter.]
Wait! Wait! I can't interject? I'm not allowed to interject now? - YeahLil' rel, I thought you were-- I thought you were hilarious with the characters.
Like, you're right, the characters are dead on.
You're a great actor.
A very funny guy.
But again, a lot of the lead-in was a little long.
You noticed, even the crowd, you got to admit to yourself, Like when you said, "I have to start all over again," Did you not notice the crowd go, "ah, [bleep.]
, not again"? I mean, you know [laughter and applause.]
One more time for lil' rel! [cheers and applause.]
Show time! Okay, don't move.
There's lots more comedy on the way.
If you need to get some food, water, Take a laxative, you better do it now, people.
We'll be right back.
[cheers and applause.]
[upbeat music.]
Welcome back to last comic standing.
Tonight, it's the semifinals.
Some of America's best comics are performing to stay alive.
Show some love for staying alive, everybody.
Come on.
[cheers and applause.]
The show is crazy right now, And it's about to get crazier in a good way.
Let's meet the next comic.
Performing on these semifinals, Just being a part of this show period, Uh, could potentially be huge for me.
I still work a day job.
I teach kindergarten.
I'm trying to transition into standup fulltime.
Tonight could be the defining moment That gets me from that point from performing for 18 people To hopefully 18,000.
Get ready to laugh with Jason Weems.
[upbeat music.]
What's up? What's up? I've always wanted to point into a balcony.
I have made it.
What is up? Yes.
Let me share something with you guys.
I like shopping at these big megastores, guys, You know, to save money, You know, have my prices rolled back.
But I, like, can't wrap my head around the experience.
'cause, like, when you walk inside, They treat you like royalty.
There's always, like, a old greeter at the door, Like, tap dancing.
Throwing glitter up in the air.
"welcome, sir.
" But when you leave, they treat you like a convicted criminal.
It's like, "let me see your receipt.
"let me see your receipt.
Let me see your receipt.
Let me see your receipt.
" [cheers and applause.]
But they stop the wrong people.
Like, I'm walking out the other day with my cart.
and they stop me Like I'm suspicious.
Really? You think I stole this and double-bagged my items? [laughter.]
So while they're standing messing with me, I literally see a dude walk past With a vcr under his arm.
No box.
Just a vcr.
They're like, "come again, sir.
" he's like, "oh, I will.
I will.
" [cheers and applause.]
"got to get a tv to go with this vcr.
" I work with kindergarteners.
And it's crazy.
The other morning, I was sitting down, Eating a banana, having my breakfast, A little girl was sitting on the carpet, Staring at me the whole time.
As I took a bite from the banana, I heard her say this, "ah.
He is a monkey.
" [laughter.]
And, like, I didn't trip.
It was one of those things kids say.
It was innocent.
No malice was behind it.
Later on that day, I'm driving home, Sitting at a red light, and I got instantly mad.
I was like, "hold the hell up.
He is a monkey?" All that lets me know is that you had a previous discussion On the possibility of me being a monkey.
I'm Jason Weems.
Enjoy.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause.]
Jason Weems, let him know.
Okay, let's see What our extremely opinionated judges has to say.
Well, first of all, Craig, I think You're doing a great job.
Nobody says that enough.
Hey, thank you very much, Andy kindler.
I love what you do.
- I just-- - Yes.
I just got fired backstage.
That's why I'm saying it.
I wanted you not to feel so bad.
Jason, that was great.
I love so much of the stuff you did.
And I just think you're really, really funny.
Excellent.
Thank you.
Um, I was having a hard time connecting to your jokes, I have to say.
[booing.]
you can--it's okay.
I'm just-- Comedy's a subjective art form.
I've watched a lot of comedy, And I could tell that you're funny, And obviously the audience likes you.
But I was just a little lost, so - Okay.
- But thank you.
- Thank you.
- Jason, I thought--I thought You had some jokes that were really good And some that weren't as good.
Actually, the joke that I thought Was your best, the joke at the end About, you know, the banana and the monkey thing, Didn't get a huge reaction Because maybe the crowd was a little stiff, but that's okay.
You know, some of the best jokes Don't get necessarily a big, huge reaction, So I thought that last whole chunk Was awesome.
Thank you.
And I thought that was really, really funny and original.
[applause.]
Thank you, Jason.
Jason Weems, y'all.
Another devastating round of applause.
[cheers and applause.]
Okay, buckle your wigs on And take a look at our next comic.
If I don't advance to the finals, It's not the end of the road by any means.
It's a good opportunity for me to just be able to showcase What I'm doing right now.
And there's always my parking valet job, Which has always been good to me.
You don't have to compete there.
Pretty much any-- they let anyone in.
Okay, America, It's time to say hello to Ryan Hamilton.
[cheers and applause.]
I know you can tell just by looking at me That I'm a big risk taker.
I went skydiving.
Yeah, the first time you go skydiving, Uh, you got two methods.
You go static or tandem.
And static means they have a line attached to your chest, And they just kick you out of the plane And the line pulls your chute, And you float down alone And hope you don't lane on, like, a freeway Or aLarge body of water, Or behind enemy lines, maybe.
And, um It sounded scary to me.
So I went with another man strapped to my back.
Which, umAlso a unique situation in life.
This guy, he took his job seriously, Gave himself a title.
This was his title: Tandem master.
"you're already strapped to my back.
"I know who's boss in this situation.
"how 'bout I just call you Roy, like your name tag says, "and we jump out of the airplane.
How 'bout that?" So I find myself up in the plane.
I have my feet hanging out the plane door.
Tandem master leans in, he goes, "do you remember everything I taught you?" I'm like, "I don't know who you are anymore.
I--I don't want to be here.
" All you have to do is keep your body In this arch shape.
I know this, because I went through 20 minutes of training Watching a vhs tape alone in a shed! That's how I learned How to skydive.
And they know you're gonna panic.
So they give you these simplified words To help you to remember how to keep your body in shape.
These are the words they gave me.
"belly button banana.
" "lead with your belly button, go into banana.
" Ha! Can anyone think of anything more emasculating For my James Bond day Than belly button banana? So I'm in banana formation, And I'm falling to the earth With another man strapped on my back.
Two seconds in, my contacts ripped from my eyes.
And when it happens, I'm like, "oh, there they go.
" It happens very fast.
You can't really stop it.
I'm actually wearing goggles, But they don't work.
They have, like, holes in them.
I think Roy was like, "give them the trick goggles.
" I think that's what happened.
But since I'm wearing goggles, I can actually see my contacts Just sitting inside my goggles.
It's like--it's like they're just kind of staring back at me.
Here's what's going through my head As I'm falling to the earth.
"those are gonna be so dry.
" Those areNever going back in my face.
It's kind of like they're staring me down.
Like, "what did you get us into?" I'm like, "I'm so sorry.
I don't want to be here either.
"who's that guy peering over your shoulder? He looks creepy!" I'm like, "that's tandem master Roy.
"he's all we've got.
He--he pulls our chute.
" We're floating down, right? He leans up, he whispers, "look how beautiful it is.
" I'm like, "I can't see anything at all, and-- And I think I wet our pants.
" And he was like, "you did wet our pants.
" AndWe landed, and I just ran away.
Thanks a lot.
Really appreciate that.
Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause.]
Show your love for Ryan! Thank you.
Okay, judges, any word for Ryan? Uh, I thought it was great.
The only thing is, it was up and down, you know? And so sometimes my attention wandered, Because I like to think of my own career During other people's sets.
[laughter.]
Um, I like my jokes 12 seconds, So I can get in and get out! Right.
So that was a great, solid set.
I mean, you walked out, people started laughing Before you even started talking.
That's a great advantage.
In real life-- [cheers and applause.]
in real life That's-- - Thank you.
You know, in real life, that's not good.
[laughter.]
Um, Ryan, the, uh I love how physical you are.
You're so funny to watch.
Thank you, thank you.
Um [scattered cheers.]
[cheers and applause.]
I'm not done! I didn't connect so much with the jokes.
But, uh But like I said, [audience booing.]
I do Thank you, I was waiting for it.
Um, but I do think you're--you're very funny And very watchable.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Ryan.
Ryan Hamilton.
[cheers and applause.]
We'll have more comedy when we come back.
And later find out who's moving on to the next round.
Don't go anywhere, or you'll miss all the nudity.
[laughter.]
Welcome back to last comic standing.
This is the first of our semifinal shows.
So far, it's been pretty darn entertaining.
Are you with me, ladies? [cheers and applause.]
Who will stay? Who will go home? We'll find out in a little while.
Right now, it's time for some more laughs.
Take a look at our next comic.
I know a lot of people, they're really concerned About what the audience is thinking And, you know, if they laugh or not.
But when I'm on that stage, seriously, And it's gonna sound a little selfish, But it is kind of all about me.
So I'm gonna do what I like to do, And they'll just kind of be a room full of heads.
Please welcome the irrepressible Paula bel.
[cheers and applause.]
Poor Obama.
They keep giving him flak.
He just passed the healthcare bill.
I mean, what's-- he used to look so dapper And stunning when he first got elected.
Now he's all pissed.
He has gray hair.
By the time he leaves office, He's gonna look like grady from sanford and son.
[laughter.]
And where are his daughters? I haven't seen his daughters lately.
Those poor little girls.
I hope when they moved in the white house, They flip over all those dead portraits Of those old, dead, white presidents.
It's gotta be like living At the haunted mansion at Disneyland.
The eyes just follow 'em everywhere.
Every time Obama walks past Jefferson, Jefferson probably winks.
[laughter.]
Nobody has insurance.
I need insurance.
I live in L.
A.
I have a certain plan.
I have an old mexican woman on my block Who will cure anything with a chicken wing, A feather, and a snake.
[laughter.]
But that's about all you're gonna get.
People are actually praying they don't get sick.
Praying.
I can't pray.
I'm not going into a church.
Last time I did, I got married.
[laughter.]
I'm not doing that.
What, are you gonna pray to the priest? These priests are running amok.
Let's start with the outfit.
Okay? It's an old guy in a robe.
Drinking wine all day.
You're gonna leave your kids with him? [cheers and applause.]
Hugh Hefner does that.
You gonna leave your kids at the playboy mansion? [laughter.]
This reality, it's too much.
Last comic standing.
They should make real reality shows.
Survivor.
Bring back temptation island.
[cheers and applause.]
get a--right? But this time, get all your priests And put 'em on a little island.
[laughter.]
Circle it with sharks.
And just a few yards out, where they're able to swim to, Put a little rowboat full of young Cuban boys [laughter.]
Singing it's a small world.
[laughter.]
Wouldn't it be great if I just burst into flame right now? [laughter.]
You guys have been a wonderfully stunned little audience.
I'm Paula bel.
Enjoy the rest of your night.
[cheers and applause.]
Give it up for Paula bel.
[cheers and applause.]
Judges, what do you think? Uh, Paula Why are you here? - I don't know why I'm - Exactly.
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
That's a good point, Paula.
Paula, I am terrified of you.
In 20 years, you're me.
[laughs wickedly.]
[laughter.]
I hope so.
[cheers and applause.]
- Why did you-- why did you-- Why did you say, "you've been A wonderfully stunned little audience" at the end? What do you usually play, Madison square garden? Oh.
Like you were there? No, I'm asking [laughter.]
She's insulted every one of us.
Whoo! Very funny, Paula.
I thought you were very funny.
Thanks.
Thanks, you guys.
- Me too.
- Thanks to you guys.
Another round of applause for Paula bel.
[cheers and applause.]
It was good.
I did what I was called out here to do.
I put on a show.
I didn't bring a puppet Or an instrument.
And I just told jokes.
And hopefully the audience really did like it And they weren't just made to laugh.
If I made it into the finals, Uh, it would be huge, career-wise.
You know, it would just be Sort of bragging rights, you know, In the comedy locker rooms, Where, you know, 'cause we all shower up after shows.
And, you know, I can sort of smack 'em on the ass With a towel and just let 'em know That I am a champion, and they aren't.
Let's show some West coast love For Mr.
Jesse Joyce! [cheers and applause.]
Hey! Thanks.
So I, uh, I was in a movie this year.
That was exciting.
It was my first movie.
I played a comedian in the movie, Which is not a stretch, uh And it was really important to me to get the stand-up scenes In the movie right, 'cause this is something I'm sure you've never noticed.
But, as a comedian, it's really annoying to us Whenever we see an actor doing stand-up In a movie or on tv, 'cause they always screw it up.
They always overdo it, make it cheesy and cartoony.
It's always some jackass with, like, a colorful tie And a brick wall behind him, going, "what do you do for a living? Go-gitty go-gitty!" Comedians don't do that.
But that's what it's like, And I feel like it bothers me the same way That it's gotta bother pizza delivery guys When they watch porno.
[laughter.]
"what, he just walked into their house.
"you're not allowed to walk into their house.
"he'sRinging the doorbell with a boner.
No one would behave like this.
" [laughter and applause.]
SoI'm from Pittsburgh.
And Pittsburgh's in a valley.
It's surrounded by mountains.
When you try to drive in the city, You always have to drive through a tunnel.
Years ago, I'm driving home to visit my parents.
I'm coming up to that tunnel, And there's no traffic there.
I was flying through it, I swear to God, My '90 Honda accord broke down inside the damn tunnel.
So now I have to get out and start pushing it, And people are giving me the finger, Like I'm doing it on purpose.
Like that's how I save on gas or whatever.
[laughter.]
So I pull on this little service road And let the car sit for a few minutes, And then it starts again.
So I'm like, "great.
" But the service road, all it does Is go between the two tunnels.
So I now have to leave out the outbound tunnel, The opposite way that I was trying to go, Get off the first exit, loop all the way back around, And re-approach the same tunnel I was trying to get through Are you with me so far? [laughter.]
So now I pull up to this same tunnel but there's traffic there.
I'm like, "what the--" There was no traffic here And that's when it suddenly occurred to me That I was somehow sitting in the back of my own traffic.
[laughter and applause.]
How is that possible? People around me are honking, they're like, "what is this?" I'm like, "I don't know, some douche broke down! Go easy on him!" That's it for me.
My name's Jesse Joyce.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause.]
Jesse Joyce, folks! Judges, you want to chime in? - You know, the thing-- only thing I would say Is that, uh, some of the bits by nature, How they're constructed, they're longer.
So there were less, like, say, jo-- Well, they say, "jokes per minute" in the business.
But that's no slam.
I don't really have a criticism.
I thought it was really funny.
And I think you're great.
- Thanks, Andy.
- It was great.
- Appreciate it.
- Fantastic! I think that, um, I think you would have benefited From having a longer set, Because I felt like you were kind of rushing, And it's just hard in a competition.
But I do think you're funny.
Thanks.
See, I see that as a sign Of how clever and good the bits are.
Because, you know, for a while, I did think, "oh, man, you've lost them.
" 'cause, like, the tunnel bit takes so long to set up.
And then you get to the punch line and the crowd went crazy.
It was a big applause break.
So that means you actually have them interested.
You are a guy that does longer, more complicated setups.
And that's a style of doing comedy.
It's not bang, bang, bang.
But it was a very solid set.
Very funny.
Well, thanks.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
All right.
Thank you, Jesse.
[cheers and applause.]
Are you having a good time? [applause continues.]
It's time for a break.
Don't go anywhere.
I promise the funny will continue When we come back.
And later on, it's decision time.
It's gonna be the best reality results ever.
So, yeah.
See you then.
[cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to the last comic standing Semifinals.
In just a little while, We'll find out which comics will advance To the next round, And which ones will drown in their own tears.
[laughter.]
Our next semifinalist emerged from the crowd in Los Angeles.
I tell stories, I don't so much do joke punch lines.
My stories are pretty personal.
I think a lot of my act comes from my family.
I had a very eccentric family.
And they're all sort of nuts and affected, And so I think draw from that a lot.
Make joyful noise For Rachel Feinstein! [cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
I, uh, I've had sort of a-- - Yeah! Thank you again.
[cat calls from audience.]
I've had a--oh, my God.
All right, um I've had sort of a weird week.
I went out with this guy recently, And it was a strange date.
He took off his coat, and he had pronounced hips.
Now I don't care if a guy is like But don't be voluptuous.
[laughter.]
I don't care if you're fat, but don't look knocked up.
That's gonna confuse me.
You what my fear is, I think, with men? I'm afraid I'm just gonna get really tired After a series of failed relationships.
And it'll be like in the movies.
Whenever the woman leaves a guy that abuses her, She always ends up with some soft, bearded theater teacher.
You know, he's not even really a man.
It's like He won't even have a man's body.
He'll just take off his shirt and there'll be like A calming smear that I'm forced to have sex with.
And it'll sooth me too much during sex.
Like, I won't even be nervous, and he'll be like, "I just want you to feel safe.
"would you like to just stop and "why don't we just take a break and have some soup.
Do you like soup?" [laughter.]
"I don't even believe in erections.
"I'm a bit of a male feminist, And I think they're pretty darn aggressive.
" [laughter.]
My grandma's always telling me how it used to be.
She's always like, "it used to be if a fella really "liked you, you know, "he would take you for a walk or somethin'.
"but now what they do is they take girls out by a pool.
"I watch the videos.
"they take 'em out by a pool and they just Pour liquor all over them.
" [laughter and applause.]
"you know, it used to be, a fella was fond of you, "he'd say you have pizzazz.
Now they call you a well-oiled bitch.
" [laughter.]
Thanks a lot, you guys.
That's my time.
[cheers and applause.]
thank you.
That's Rachel Feinstein! Now let's hear from the judges.
Well, I'll begin, Craig.
Why don't you begin, Andy? I'm not a fan of erection humor Or erections.
But, uh [laughter.]
I thought you dealt in that sub-- You got funny stuff out of that subject matter Without going, uh, blue.
So you were fantastic.
- Oh, thank you.
- Really funny.
Thanks.
[cheers and applause.]
Uh, you're so fun to watch.
And you-- you're so talented.
You have so many different characters, And you have hilarious jokes.
It's not all--often that you get all of that, so Thank you.
Thank you guys so much.
- When you walked-- when you walked out, All these guys were-- these savages, these animals, Were hootin' and hollerin' like filthy-- Like filthy pigs.
And it's very hard to be hot and get that reaction And then be very funny, and you were! You were hilarious Rachel.
Those characters were great.
You really become somebody else.
And it's the first time I've ever heard any comedian Use the term "calming smear" In, uh, in their act.
But great.
Great stuff, very funny.
Thank you, guys.
Thank you so much.
[cheers and applause.]
One more time for Rachel Feinstein! [cheers and applause.]
Will tonight be the most exposure That I've ever had as a comedian? No, probably not.
Uh, I did a small show In Tijuana once where my pants fell off.
And I believe I exposed more there than I will tonight.
Please show some love for Kirk fox! [cheers and applause.]
Nice.
Let me just-- did you say, "oh, lord"? Please, don't heckle yet.
I haven't even gotten to a joke, ma'am.
Uh, I do know how I'm gonna die.
I just wanna get this out of the way, 'cause I'm gonna get shot right in the top of the head By a .
357 Magnum.
Now, let me tell you how I figured this out.
This week, there was an old lady Lives in the apartment right above me, all right? She's probably 100.
People are like, "100 and what?" She's like, "100 and dead.
" But she invited me Up to her apartment the other day-- Lives right above me-- To show me her new .
357 Magnum.
She can't even lift it, all right? It's just hanging there, shaking.
Pointed at her floor.
Which is my ceiling! [cheers and applause.]
And it's just hanging there in the dust And the cat hair from the '20s, And it's like a silencer, it's like, "ptuh! Ptuh!" It's like, "whoa! Wh-why? Why do you have a gun?" She's like, "there's a hit out on me.
" I'm like, "there's a hit out on you? "you been on the couch for 20 years.
"if someone's trying to kill you, "you're not a high priority target.
"listen "no one's trying to kill you.
God can't even kill you.
" You guys, thank you very much.
[cheers and applause.]
It's tricky up here.
Kirk fox, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Let's hear from the judges.
Andy.
Well, Kirk, uh, let's start with the negatives.
You're tall, which I find deeply offensive.
Thank you, Andy, that's a good way to approach it.
- I wish you would-- you need to commit further To the moustache.
- Okay.
- Or go fu manchu.
- All right.
- That's what I say.
The moustache is in the process of coming back.
I'm sorry it's not enough.
And you are in the process, which I love.
- I feel like-- - I love your energy on stage.
I love your approach on stage.
And I love that you're going right from here to working out.
That's what I like too.
Thank you, sir.
That's the American flag.
That's right.
- America.
- Exactly.
I love you! Thank you, Andy.
- Kirk, uh - Yes, Natasha? Do you need me to take you shoe shopping? - Yes, I do.
- Okay, we could go.
Yeah! - I need you to-- I need you to take me a lot of things.
Whoa.
[laughter.]
Yes! Okay, Greg.
Thank you, Andy.
Go ahead, Greg.
I think you're hilarious, man.
I think you'd be funnier not being on stilts.
- No sh--no kidding? No, that's not a slam.
He's hilarious.
Hilarious.
Listen, if you want to make it about you And make fun of me, go for it.
[laughter.]
this is your night.
No, no.
That was very funny.
Very funny.
Thank you, Greg.
One more time for Kirk fox.
[cheers and applause.]
There were moments that were good.
I'm funny in between the jokes, And hopefully, that can move me forward.
But, you know, it wasn't that funny.
But I'm happy.
Okay, don't move.
No, I'm serious.
Don't-- I see you mov-- put that down! There are more semifinalist performances Coming right up.
[cheers and applause.]
We'd like to welcome all 75 million of you back.
It goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway.
This is the last comic standing semifinals.
[cheers and applause.]
Let's meet our next comic.
Check this out.
Why am I doing last comic standing? Whew, I should have figured that out, probably.
For the money? No, not for the money.
Um, for the exposure.
For--to prove something to myself.
All of these are true.
All of them.
[cheers and applause.]
Let's welcome Amanda Melson! [cheers and applause.]
Hey, everybody.
How's it going? [cheers.]
Good, good.
I'm good.
Uh, I just got a new haircut.
Which is good, uh, because it was getting really long.
Like too long.
Like long to the point Where I look like I might have been home schooled.
You know that look? That look that says, "I learnt about physics on the trampoline.
" Uh, I'm not a very cool person.
Uh [scattered cat calls.]
Thank you.
But, uh I used to work for a really cool, hip company.
That had to be edgy all the time.
Like even in companywide emails about charity clothing drives, I got the subject line, "drop yo' pants for the homeless!" [laughter.]
They were like, "donate your jeans, But please no torn, stained, or outdated jeans.
" No outdated-- what kind of homeless people Are they imagining That are like, "oh, yes, thank you for the-- Acid washed?!" [laughter.]
I recently gained a lot of weight.
And I think it's 'cause last year, I was going through this phase where it was like, I could eat whatever I want.
I just keep getting thinner and thinner and thinner Until I'm diagnosed with type I diabetes.
You know how it is! Technically, it's juvenile diabetes.
I didn't handle the diagnosis very well.
They're like, "amanda, you have juvenile diabetes.
" And I was like, "you have juvenile diabetes!" [raspberries.]
[laughter and applause.]
Thanks a lot, you guys.
[cheers and applause.]
Judges, any words for madam? Some of the stuff, I don't know, I cry for the homeless sometimes.
So when the joke went from the clothing To kind of slamming the homeless, All I could focus on was the homeless people.
I didn't like you taking a lighthearted look At diabetes, either! [laughter.]
I think you had great, great jokes.
Very funny jokes, very original jokes.
Uh, you know, maybe it wasn't the hugest reaction, But I thought the jokes were really well written And really good.
Solid set.
Thanks, thanks.
Thank you, Amanda! [cheers and applause.]
Going far in last comic standing Would be a great thing to my career Because I do not want to die in the same apartment That I've been living in for the last ten years.
It's totally sinking in now That it's pretty real, this competition, And, you know, as long as they don't throw something in, Like, suddenly, Chris rock is in the competition, I think my chances are pretty good.
Give it up and turn it loose For chip pope.
[applause.]
Hey, everybody.
[scatters hoots.]
It's great to be here.
I used to work in a office.
Which is llluh.
Office work is like the world's longest, Most boring game show.
It's just like, if you can come here And pretend to be interested for the next eight hours, We will give you money! [laughter.]
I talked to my mom before the show, And she was all excited.
She's like, "hey, I'm gonna get to meet Celine Dion.
Should I get her autograph for you?" I was like, "yeah, sure, mom, but could you have her make it Out to dear winning bidder on ebay?" 'cause that's right where that's going.
[laughter.]
I'm gay.
Hold our applause.
[cheers.]
Except the thing is, when I was growing up, My family didn't have a lot of money, So we lived in an efficiency.
It was pathetic, 'cause I couldn't even come out of the closet.
Yeah, I had to come out from behind the curtain That separated the living room from the kitchen.
[laughter.]
I'm a homo! It was just anticlimactic.
[cheers and applause.]
My favorite singer probably of all time Is Paul Simon.
Have you heard the latest Paul Simon album? Me neither.
But it probably goes something like this.
vaguely African music followed by sweetly ironic lyrics about a ball player like Joe DiMaggio or someone else's name I mentioned to evoke nostalgia and a time when things were simpler and better than they are now [laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
Thanks, guys.
[cheers and applause.]
Chip pope.
Let's hear it.
[cheers and applause.]
Let's hear what the judges have to say.
Andy! I can't believe you said you're gay Just for that bit.
That's unbelievable.
I thought this is the time.
[laughs.]
I'm trying to kill grandma, so I see.
[cheers and applause.]
Chip.
Finally, someone took down Paul Simon.
It's about time.
He had it coming.
He had it coming.
And you taught everyone a little bit about music, Which I'm a fan of.
And I think you're hilarious.
[cheers and applause.]
You had some great, great jokes.
Great, original stuff.
I loved it.
The curtain thing.
And that Paul Simon thing.
I'd never heard anything like it.
It was great.
Great writing.
Very funny.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
Thank you.
Thanks, chip.
One more time.
Chip pope.
[cheers and applause.]
You're watching the show I know I could win If it wasn't for these damn bunions.
Oh, wait, that's dancing with the stars.
That show sucks.
[laughter.]
Stay with us for more hilarious performances And then the results.
We'll be right back.
Welcome back to last comic standing.
We're down to our final semifinalists Of the night.
Let's not keep them waiting any longer.
I'm here tonight as a semifinalist On last comic standing.
I feel good.
I feel good.
I was nervous waiting in the green room, But as I get closer-- once I get the Mike In my hand, I'll be good.
So right now, I'm fine.
I'm just ready to do it.
[cheers and applause.]
Okay, let's laugh with miss Alycia Cooper.
[cheers and applause.]
How y'all doing? It's exciting to be here, 'cause the airport security almost shut me down.
Black folks, we used to have it easy going through security Until the nigerian bomber came along Trying to blow up 300 people.
Ain't blow up nothing but his leg and his drawers.
[laughter.]
Now I got to be harassed Going through security checkpoint.
I canceled my health insurance this morning Because they giving pap smears at the airport.
[laughter.]
Then there was a couple arguing on my plane 'cause the husband got caught cheating.
Men, please stop cheating.
You suck at it.
[laughter.]
This is--this is really getting ridiculous.
All the high-profile cases.
Tiger Woods had 18 side pieces? But that is impressive in a recession, I must admit.
And then they were talking about-- One of the side pieces had the nerve to say, "I can't believe he cheated on me.
He told me I was the only other woman.
" That's what happens.
That's why you got taken out on February 13th And not the 14th.
[laughter and applause.]
I can't believe it.
Did you see the women that tiger was having sex with? That was ridiculous.
Men, if you're gonna cheat, cheat up.
Up.
Way up.
Cheat so high up, That your girlfriend can't even get mad about it.
[laughter.]
'cause she's gonna look at the woman and be like, "you know what? Well, yeah, whoo.
You sure did come up.
" [cheers and applause.]
"I let myself go.
You warned me.
" [laughter.]
My name's Alycia Cooper.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause.]
Alycia Cooper, everyone.
Okay, judges, what do you have to say to alycia? - Is that--did you come up with that-- Is that yours? Side pieces? Is that yours? Well, side pieces is a term For the other woman.
I didn't create it.
I thought it was something you order at a restaurant.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, I thought the-- I thought the February 13th joke Was great, and I thought the, you know, Cheating up, that your girl can't even be upset about it-- I thought that was a great, great joke.
I thought some of the others weren't up to that.
You're so funny, and I thought some of the jokes didn't rise To that level, but, you know, it was a good set.
- Thank you.
Thank you, Greg.
- It was funny.
Thanks, alycia.
Alycia Cooper.
Show her some love.
[cheers and applause.]
We're in the semifinals now.
We're down to the last And tonight I think I'm gonna get to the next round And be in the top 1,500.
I really do.
[cheers and applause.]
Make some noise for David feldman.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
I have two daughters.
My oldest is 13.
My youngest is 6 Months pregnant.
[laughter.]
What a nightmare having a 13-year-old daughter, 'cause the phone does not stop ringing for her, 'cause she's at that age now where she's old enough To deal crystal meth.
[laughter.]
She goes to Hollywood high.
Her first day in High School, She got into a fistfight With another woman.
I said, "honey, there is no shame in walking away "from an altercation, coming home, "getting a shiv, going back, And finishing the job.
" [applause.]
But now she wants to be a female boxer.
I don't understand female boxing.
Two women go at it, it's a sport.
I jump in the ring, it's a felony.
[laughter.]
Relax.
I've never hit a woman, okay? In fact, This afternoon, I did a benefit At a women's shelter.
You're welcome.
[laughter.]
Thank you.
I bombed.
'cause they wouldn't listen.
[laughter.]
You've been a great crowd.
Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause.]
Okay, it's time for my favorite part Of the show-- judges.
Yeah, Dave, you're one of those guys Who, it doesn't matter what the crowd likes Or doesn't like.
The crowd gets in the way.
The crowd gets in the way.
[laughter.]
Your jokes--your jokes are so clever, So well-written, such surprises, such twists.
They're just brilliantly written jokes.
And that was a very funny set.
Thank you very much.
David, I like when the crowd is stunned, So I like the fact that, when you're performing, There's laughter, and there's an uncomfortable feeling.
And I love that.
So I think you're hilarious.
[cheers and applause.]
- I-I think you're very dark, very funny, very original.
- Thank you.
- And your jokes Are very quotable.
They're very, very good.
- Thank you.
- Thanks again, David.
Let David hear it.
[cheers and applause.]
That was the last performance of the night.
Now the judges have some tough decisions to make.
You don't want to miss it.
[cheers and applause.]
[suspenseful music.]
I'm waiting to hear if I make it.
And I'm very nervous about the whole thing.
It's a lot of pressure.
[giggles and sniffles.]
I've never been on tv before.
And not only am I on tv, but I'm in a competition.
[cheers and applause.]
Welcome back To the last comic standing semifinals.
We saw some hilarious performances tonight, And now it's the moment we've all been waiting for.
It's time to find out who's moving on to the next round, And whose life is ruined forever.
Yes, America, the results are in.
But before we reveal those results, Let's hear it one more time for all of the comics Who performed tonight.
[cheers and applause.]
Let's do this.
Group one, please step forward.
One of you will move on to the next round.
The rest of you are going home.
The comic moving on is Felipe Esparza! [cheers and applause.]
When Craig Robinson called my name, I couldn't believe it.
It's, uh, the best feeling in the world.
It feels good, like you graduated from High School Ten times.
[cheers and applause.]
I think I had a better set than the critique that I got, But, um, it's over.
It's over.
[cheers and applause.]
Group two, please step forward.
The next comic moving on is Myq Kaplan! [cheers and applause.]
I am feeling great.
Like nobody will ever be able to take away from me That I am one of the last ten comics standing.
I wish that was the name of the show--then it'd be over.
Honestly, I thought I would move on.
I thought my set was good enough To take me there, you know? But the judges saw it differently.
Group three, please step forward.
The next comic moving on is Rachel Feinstein! [cheers and applause.]
I was shocked that I made it.
It's gonna change my life in so many different ways.
I've been at this so long, And given up so much.
And it's, um, beyond happy.
It's not real at all.
It's--it's really cool.
[applause.]
I didn't make it to the finals.
But I think I'm gonna get a lot of nanny gigs out of this.
I mean, and that's-- You know, comedy's really secondary for me.
I'm really-- it's all about the children.
Group four, please step forward.
The next comic moving on is Mike Destefano! [cheers and applause.]
So far, this is one of the best things That's happened to my career.
I mean, you know, it's just really exciting.
Winning the entire thing Is--is gonna be the best thing.
No more tears.
I mean, it's somewhat of a bummer.
But, like I've said before, Comedy and life goes on.
And I feel like this is just a really awesome step In my little career climb, if you will.
SoI'm excited.
I'm still excited to be here.
Okay, the last two comedians.
You may step forward now.
[laughter.]
You guys step forward.
[cheers and applause.]
We're down to our final two.
One of you is moving on, The other will be going home.
The last comic moving on tonight Is Jonathan Thymius.
[cheers and applause.]
Being a finalist on last comic standing, you know, Is a dream come true.
And, uh, I just hope that, uh, I don'tI hope I don't wake up.
You're not gonna believe this, but I'm-- I'm one of the finalists.
Oh, my God, Jonathan! Isn't that somethin'? That's fantastic! This is my wife Kathryn.
Elizabeth.
Elizabeth.
[cheers and applause.]
No, I'm not disappointed.
I have a comedy career.
I get to go back and keep doing what I do, Which is make people laugh, and I love doing that.
I want to congratulate all our comics, And I want to thank our judges.
We'll be back next Monday with our final semifinal show.
It's gonna be a doozy.
So see you Monday on last comic standing.
I'm Craig Robinson.
Good night! [cheers and applause.]