Last Man Standing s07e04 Episode Script

1 Hey, happy Halloween, Mrs.
B.
Thanks.
I love this holiday.
It is so spooky.
Um, hey, could one of you grab my mug out of the microwave? Yeah.
I'll get it.
Kyle, you're gonna open the door and whatever creature was on sale at Halloween Town is gonna be in there.
Probably a rat.
What? No.
Oh! Sorry.
I was expecting a rat.
I love you, Mom, but your Halloween pranks are lame.
Lame? There's a head in the microwave.
Yeah, see? Some people appreciate a good prank.
Oh, well, Kyle's easy.
Almost as easy as you.
You fall for everything.
No, I don't.
G-Give me one example.
- Boo! - (Screams) You know what? That is not a prank, that is just rude.
But stick around, this might be the year I pull off the greatest prank ever.
Oh, we can't.
We're taking Kristin and Ryan to the creepy abandoned trailer Kyle inherited from his mom.
- We're having a séance.
- Yeah.
I just hope we don't conjure up my mom.
Even as a ghost, she'll probably still ask for beer money.
Fine, well, it'll just be me tonight, - home alone, handing out candy.
- Yeah, yeah.
Always starts with candy.
Then they'll expect money, jobs, health care.
Sure.
Trick-or-treating: the gateway drug to socialism.
Yeah, you said the same thing about Santa Claus.
You called him the welfare king of the north.
Specifically, the Santa at the mall.
The real Santa makes you work for it with naughty and nice lists.
I know about this.
Don't ask me how.
I can't believe you are abandoning me on my favorite holiday.
Honey, I told you this.
We're testing the security system.
Tonight's the perfect night, 'cause no one's - gonna be at the store.
- All right, Kyle, let's go.
We got a séance to host.
You know, if we could talk to anybody who's dead, - I'd pick Pee-wee Herman.
- What? Babe, he's not dead.
Oh.
Well, he is awfully pale.
- (Laughs) - Look, I know you want me home because you want to prank me, but, honey, I got to admit, your pranks just aren't working anymore, okay? Mm, yeah, you're right, you're right.
Why do I even try? Hey, uh could you get my mug out of the microwave? Okay.
Ooh.
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
In America, our calendar is marked by special days.
Um the day we celebrate our freedom, July Fourth.
The day we express our gratitude, Thanksgiving.
And there's the day we all get the crap scared out of us by bloodsucking vampires, Tax Day.
Of course, Halloween can also be scary.
In fact, many of us it taps into our deepest, deepest, darkest fears: other people's children coming to our house.
If you're like me, you'd actually prefer zombies.
As a culture, we've always loved scaring each other.
We build elaborate haunted houses.
And how do we know that they're working? (Laughing): We make little kids cry.
What a country.
That's right, we try to convince our children the world is a safe place, and once a year we scream, "No, it's not! Boo!" On Halloween, our nation abandons the war on terror to wage a war of terror on our loved ones.
For some reason, there's nothing better than seeing those nearest and dearest to us standing in a puddle of of what we hope are tears.
Of course, this year's most terrifying haunted house won't open till a week after Halloween.
It's called the House of Representatives.
(Sighs) Baxter out.
Got to hand it to you, Mandy you picked the perfect place to host a séance.
- Or contract hepatitis.
- We have to untether our spirits from this plane, so everyone must empty their minds.
Done.
You bring the candles? Oh, yeah, brought the, uh, Bernie Sanders.
Keep the flame alive.
I'm so glad you agreed to join us, hon.
I know you had your heart set on Halloween trivia night.
Yeah, it's okay.
I've actually, uh, never done a séance.
You know, the word "séance" is French for "session.
" Five points for Vogelson.
There's a little preview of the bullet you dodged.
Oh, I dodged a bullet once.
See? Shh! Everyone take a seat.
Prepare to summon the spirit of the great Angelo Santucci.
The great who? He was an Italian fashion designer famous for his all-white suits.
He died in an avalanche in the Alps.
He was very hard to find.
That's one case where a pair of black socks could've saved a life.
You know, the Alps are the highest mountain range in Europe.
Their world ranking, though? Number 11.
Another five points and a commanding lead for Vogelson.
Let's join hands.
Oh, spirit world.
We humbly ask you to bring forward the spirit of Angelo Santucci.
Or Patrick Swayze.
If the spirit world is open to this invitation, reveal unto us a sign.
(Sirens chirps) Uh, if this is a sign, it's a bad one.
All right, all the monitors check out.
Thanks for coming up here to help, Baxter.
It's fine with me.
I like this stuff, you know, I'm a techie guy.
Now, I was worried it was just because you wanted to prank me, it being Halloween and all.
Well I only prank people I like.
Oh.
Oh, that's right.
So, in that case I guess I wasted 20 bucks.
It's hard to tell which is which.
(Laughs) Hey, hey, Baxter, I thought we were alone.
There's something moving down there and it's coming up the stairs.
Ooh! Didn't we just agree we weren't gonna prank each other? No, no, no, no, no.
It's not a prank.
Whatever it is, - Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
- It's big and it's got a giant head.
- Whoa.
- Hey, guys, what's up? - Whoa, whoa.
What are you doing here, Joe? Everybody else left to be home with their families hours ago.
I'm not going home.
I hate Halloween.
- Really? I love it.
- Yeah, - you know who else loves it? - Uh, kids? Satan.
No, I'm serious, okay? Demon and hellspawn get to freely roam the earth one night a year, and I'm supposed to, what, open the door and give them a bonbon? If you don't want demons at your door, don't give 'em the good stuff.
I'm telling you, Satan hates candy corn.
You know, I hope you're still laughing when you have a flaming pitchfork in your ass, okay? Look, I'll be in the garage.
I'm working on my car.
Y-You're gonna feel safe all alone down there? Oh, yeah, I'm packing.
I got a squirt gun filled with holy water.
(Chuckles) Phew.
You know, when we said we weren't gonna prank each other, we just meant you and I, right? Oh, yeah.
Hey, Joe.
Freeze, demons! Are you guys insane? I almost blasted you! Yeah, we're lucky.
We almost got wet.
Yeah, go ahead, make your jokes, have your fun.
Hey, we're not here to make fun of you, Joe.
We're here to tell you something very important.
What's that? - We get it, all right? - Yeah.
We were just goofing around upstairs 'cause we wanted to make sure that you were serious - about you said about Halloween.
- And, obviously, you are.
I mean, it's-it's creepy, right? Worse than creepy, man it's dark, it's evil, it's like voodoo or-or kale.
It's actually the reason why Chuck and I - are here tonight.
- Mm-hmm.
I thought you were down here putting in motion detectors.
Motion detectors? We I don't think this is a good idea.
You know, I trust him, and-and we're gonna need his help.
You're gonna tell him the whole story? He's not gonna believe - this whole story.
Just - I got to try, Mike.
Listen, Joe.
This store was built on what was, many years ago, an old insane asylum.
Oh, please, and what was that called, The Outdoor Loony Bin? I told you he wasn't gonna believe this.
Never mind, Joe.
- Let's just handle this ourselves.
- Okay.
All right, okay, hang on, hang on.
Let's say there's something to this whole nuthouse story.
100 years ago, on this very night, on Halloween, a madman bound with chains was brought in.
A madman who claimed to be a prince.
Yeah.
A prince.
And when they asked him, "What-what country are you prince of?" his-his reply was, "A kingdom is not a country.
" 'Cause he claimed to be the prince Of darkness? - The man - Or whatever he was.
was locked in the deepest, darkest cell of the asylum.
Everyone was terrified to open that door again, so they didn't.
Ever.
And that door is in the basement of Outdoor Man.
Every Halloween, Mike and I close the store early so we can make sure that door stays sealed.
Why do you need my help? Well, according to my demonic motion detector There's an app for that? Whatever's behind that door is trying to get out.
Vanessa: Wow! Happy Halloween! Gosh, I love your costumes.
Here, anybody else want a toothbrush? Right? No, no, it's candy.
It's Come on, it's candy.
All right, well, seriously, brush afterwards.
Oh, my! Wow.
Look at you.
You're very scary.
Can I have extra? The police blocked off the street down at the Kirkpatricks' house.
What? No, my grandson's at a sleepover there.
- Here, take this.
I got to go - Got you, Grandma! Aunt Mandy said you're easy to prank.
I am not easy to prank! Oh, wait a minute, where's the bowl? Where's the-the Boyd! You! I know where you live! Here she comes.
Uh, happy Halloween, Officer.
What are you folks doing on this property? Uh, we're having a séance.
You're aware that you're trespassing? Actually, uh, we're not.
This is his trailer.
Yeah, it used to belong to my mom, Judith Anderson.
You may have met her.
She spent a lot of time with your organization.
Is there a problem, Officer? I happen to know a lot about citizens' rights.
I'm a, uh, marijuana dealer.
I'll need to see everyone's IDs.
Oh, funny thing.
Uh, we had to leave our wallets and phones in Kyle's van, because apparently, they "interfere with the spiritual gateway.
" (Chuckles) You know what, I'll just run to the van and get the IDs.
If you're talking about the van on the frontage road, we just towed it.
It was parked in front of a hydrant.
That was a hydrant? It was wearing a witch's hat.
Still a hydrant.
If you don't have IDs, I have to take you all in.
(Laughs) Wait a minute.
This isn't real.
I told Mom that she was terrible at pranks, and all of a sudden, we're gonna to be taken in by a "lady cop"? (Laughs) Mom's totally trying to up her game.
Yeah.
Hey, aren't you in Mrs.
B's book club? The one who reads the least, but drinks the most? - Guys, I think she might be a real cop.
- I am.
Yeah, her squad car certainly looks real.
It is.
- Are we going for a ride? - You are.
You're about to be a part of a whole different book club.
Come on, now.
Oh, the door's already open! I thought this was just a storage room.
I didn't realize it was the gateway to hell.
You should've put up a sign or something.
It can't be obvious, otherwise his acolytes would know where to find him.
Oh, yeah, that makes sense, yeah.
Did you hear that? It just got colder.
Can you not say it that way, with the deep voice? It just makes everything sound scarier.
Yeah, it's like we're fighting evil - with Barry White.
- Yeah.
I've been talking like this since I was 11.
Early puberty.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Think I'm getting a reading, right there, right there.
It's hot! W-What do we do, what do we do, what do we do? Look, I'm not going near that door, okay? I'll see the devil on the day I die, and-and not a day before.
We have a responsibility.
We're the last line of defense between this abomination and the rest of humanity.
Who knows what darkness lies behind that door? Joe, you go in.
Didn't you just hear me say (Stammers) the day I die? I'll go.
This is the day I've been training for my whole life.
Wish me luck.
Chuck.
You're gonna need more than luck.
You're gonna need this.
Thanks, Joe.
- Take it easy, take it easy.
- Quiet.
(Grunting) Mike, it's got me! Oh, my God, he's being dragged to the bowels of hell! No, no, we can't you can't save him.
- Not today, Satan! - We got to save ourselves! (Screaming) (Laughing) We got you, man.
Mike: Oh, that's great.
Oh, that's a great prank, man, it's Oh, it's oh, it was just me trying to scare you, man.
Take it easy, breathe a little bit.
- I got a pain in my arm, man.
- What? I got a pain in my ar Joe, J, Joe.
I-I I think the dude had a heart attack.
- Well, give him CPR.
- He's not even breathing.
- Well, give him mouth-to-mouth.
- I don't want to.
Man, get out of the way.
The man is dying.
Okay, Joe.
I got you, man.
You might want to try a breath mint.
(Laughs) And that is how you do a prank! - Yeah! - Yes! Wh You you set me up? That's right, I set you up by having you think we were setting him up.
In your face.
An insane asylum.
How dumb do you think I am? (Laughs) Apparently not as dumb as Mike thinks I am.
It's not about which one of you is dumber, it's how smart I am.
Man, this is low, Baxter, even for you.
Oh, when I when you go low, I go lower.
(Laughs) I can't believe you thought this was funny.
Uh, I didn't.
He's my bo I-I just went along.
(Scoffs) You know what? I'm leaving, you guys.
- Just enjoy the rest of your Halloween.
- Oh, come on.
(Chuckles) He seemed upset.
Eh, I'd be upset, too he almost kissed an old Italian woman.
Wow, nice costume.
But aren't you a little old to be trick-or-treating? Here.
Why does everyone think this is a costume? Ma'am, I picked up four individuals tonight who were trespassing in an abandoned trailer.
Mm-hmm.
Does a Kyle Anderson live here? Oh, I don't know that name.
Then why are you smiling? I just love Halloween.
Anyway, Mr.
Anderson's in my squad car.
He's the one happily waving at us.
Says he and his wife live here, and that the deed to the trailer is inside, which would prove they weren't trespassing.
Is this true? No.
And you can tell whoever's in that car that I'm not falling for their trick.
They must have me mistaken for someone who is easy to prank.
Are you sure you don't know them? It seems like you do.
(Laughs) I'm sure.
Look, are we done here? Because it's Halloween, and I have a lot of work to do, "Officer.
" (Laughs) I hate this holiday.
What do you want, Baxter? You're not answering my phone calls, man.
Whatever.
If you came over to apologize, you're wasting your time.
I'm not wasting my time, 'cause I'm not apologizing.
You're being a big crybaby.
You're sucking all the joy - out of Halloween.
- (Scoffs) You're incredible.
I think I'm pretty incredible, too.
Took me a week to figure that out.
And it was pretty funny when you thought we were pranking Joe.
- That's different.
- Why is that different? Y-You were willing to let me think I'd killed a man.
Not killed.
Massive heart attack.
That's a huge thing to lay on a person, man.
You crossed a line.
Stop being so sensitive.
In a week, we'll both be laughing at it.
At least, I will be.
Are we good? I guess I have to be.
- Why do you have to be? - 'Cause you're my boss.
- Oh, stop it.
- Oh, no, no.
Whatever you do, I just have to take it.
Oh, call HR.
You only got to do what I got to do.
I mean, we hang out when we're not at work.
Oh, oh, oh, oh so you're-you're saying we're friends, right? That-that you like me? You y-you shouldn't put words in people's mouths.
Good-bye, Baxter.
(Stammers): W-Wait a minute, you mean I can't leave here until I-I, I say w-what you said? That's right.
And remember, I'm sensitive.
Okay, you know what, there's-there's a lot of d-days, - you come to work, and I like it - Mm-hmm when you're there, even though you don't bring donuts.
Right? So that would prove that we're f-friend ly.
Friendly? All right, we're friends.
Can I go now? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait hang on, hang on.
What level of friends are we? - No, no, no Come on.
- No, no, no.
Wait, wait.
Are we acquaintance friends, good friends? 'Cause we're gonna have to be pretty close for me to get over this.
- Okay.
- Hmm.
But if I hear you say anything to anybody about this, I will kick you in the Barry Whites.
We You're one of my best friends.
Oh.
How about that? Mike Baxter, man of stone, Yeah, yeah.
is a mushball.
(Chuckles) I didn't think we'd ever get you to say that.
Wh W-Why did you say "we"? Yes! (Laughing) Yes! Best prank ever! And I was the mastermind.
Oh, yeah.
Me.
Yeah, in your face.
- Wait a minute.
You did this? - No, we did it.
Last week, I heard you on the phone with Joe setting up your fake prank on him, so you could actually prank Chuck.
So then I called Chuck to set up this real prank on you.
Yeah, that's right.
That's right.
I am the prank queen! (Laughs) It was genius, because what is the scariest thing to Mike Baxter? - Human emotion.
- Human emotion.
- Yes! - (Laughs) Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Yes, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, see, I'm not clapping for you guys, I'm clapping for me.
Chuck: What? 'Cause I think this is a really big deal for me.
What? I did good work here.
I took a great woman kind, big-hearted added a little evil.
This might be some of my best work.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no.
You can't take credit for this.
This is mine.
Is it? What if it isn't done yet? What do you mean, not done yet? What does that mean? Tell her, Chuck.
Tell her what? Come on.
You can tell her.
- What? - What do you want to tell me, Chuck? (Stammers) I think it's gonna take a while to sort this out.
I'm gonna go have a cold beer.
Hey.
How long were you and Larabee yelling at each other? Shut up, Mike.
I got you good, - and you can't take that away from me.
- You're right, you did, you did.
-Yes.
You know what that means, though.
Next year, I'm gonna just well, let's just wait till next year.
Well, you better make it a good one, because my days - of falling for pranks are over.
- Is that right? Yeah, you should've seen the one the kids tried to pull on me.
- What did the kids try to pull on you? - I don't know, it was a something to do with a fake cop.
Tell you in the morning.
Oh, wait I do have my ID.