M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e04 Episode Script

[March.]
[Ends.]
[Announcer.]
From Movietone News cameramen advancing with United Nations troops, come these films of actual frontline fighting.
The harsh, grim realism of war as the medical corps fights for every life bringing helicopters right to the battlefront returning the wounded to nearby surgical units.
Out here, minutes mean lives.
[O.
R.
Chatter.]
Lori, check the temperature on that chest wound.
Good evening.
This is Korea, October 9, 1952.
I'm Clete Roberts, and I'm speaking to you from the recovery room of the 4077 th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital a MASH.
The fighting began out here more than two years ago and in spite of the ongoing peace talks, an end seems nowhere in sight.
This isn't the first time we've been to this particular unit but we've returned because its record of efficiency and the people who make that record, are a truly unique story.
Doctor? Doctor, could I, uh, bother you a moment? Yeah, uh, just hold on a second.
Set up a tray for me tomorrow and I'll remove the sutures, okay? - Yes.
- As a practicing surgeon how do you cope with these unusual circumstances? Well, usually I just, uh, turn my mind off and hope it'll all go away.
That, uh, doesn't, uh, seem to work though, so most times you just, uh do your job and try to forget that there's a war going on outside the window.
- [All Yelling.]
- Give me a towel! Somebody put a blanket over that window! Keep calm, everybody.
This can't go on much more than forever.
I'm telling you we're being shelled! Do you hear me? It's been going on for half an hour! Impossible.
My latest intelligence map shows there are no enemy units in your sector.
You are not being shelled, young man.
If you don't believe me, listen for yourself.
Did ya Did Did ya Hello? Hello? I've seen the casualty reports and the number of wounded men that pass through here is staggering.
Yeah, we've got enough clientele here to open a hospital.
Makes for some long sessions in O.
R.
I've seen surgeons so tired they almost fell asleep on their patients.
- Time? - About 0100.
around the clock! Sure beats working around here.
I'm so bushed I can't remember my last patient.
- He had quintuplets.
- Oh, yeah.
- How many more out there? - [Margaret.]
I counted 19 when I came in.
Nineteen? There were 19 two hours ago.
[Hawkeye.]
They restock the shelves when they run out.
[Exhales.]
How long we been at this? - I started surgery in 1932.
- I mean this session.
So do I.
Maybe we should charge them piecework.
We can't.
This is war.
[Yawns.]
By the way, which war is this? The latest war to end all wars.
- Rough, huh? - Plenty.
- Want a puff? - Thanks.
I'm taking 10 minutes.
I'm on 10 minutes.
Between us, we got 20 minutes.
Let's go.
[Clete.]
What's your most difficult problem here? Well, uh, for me, the toughest is getting used to doing things the army way.
You see, back home in Toledo, when we needed something we just stole it.
Borrowed it.
You know, back in Iowa, if you wanted somethin' all you had to do was ask for it.
But, I mean, wow.
Over here, they got uh, paperwork and requisitions for everything.
Okay, sir, uh, you sign this top form, then initial all the rest.
- Initial, Radar? - Oh, yes, sir.
Uh, your initials signify that instead of signing, you initialed.
Uh, then, uh, you have to sign this form which states that you merely initialed the forms that required signing.
Uh, then after you've signed, you put your initial where you signed so that people will know that you okayed your signature with your initial.
Radar, tell me the truth.
Do you understand any of this? Uh, I try not to, sir.
It slows up the work.
The business at hand is an incubator that is, if my lieutenant understood what your colonel said you captains want.
- Right.
- And we need one as soon as possible.
Inhalator, indicator, inoculator, infuselator.
Here it is.
Thar she blows! "A device for developing bacterial cultures at constant, suitable temperatures.
" Uh-huh.
I see.
That certainly makes sense.
[Papers Rustling.]
You can't have one.
Beg your pardon? I checked your B.
E.
L.
Basic Equipment List? This unit has everything it's supposed to have.
You're not entitled to an incubator.
That would be a A A luxury.
- Luxury? - We're not asking for a jukebox or a-a pizza oven.
- Those I can let you have.
- [Blake.]
No kidding.
! Hey, those would be great on movie nights.
Uh, you got any pizza requisition forms? Uh, just use the standard S1798 and write in "pizza" where it says "machine gun.
" What do you miss the most? Well, just offhand I'd say, uh, uh a mattress thicker than a matzo my own bathroom with a combination lock any woman out of any uniform and the entire state of Maine.
Well, I miss playing spoons with my wife.
Playing spoons? I don't understand.
- You mean music? - No.
You cuddle up together like two spoons in a drawer.
Wait a minute.
That's a little personal.
Maybe you shouldn't use it.
- Whatever you say.
- Aw, what the hell.
I'm sure there are plenty of people back home who do the same thing.
Father, what do you miss the most? Well, let's see.
I think, a chapel that didn't double as a mess tent.
You see, I'm very fond of stained glass.
What do I miss the most? My very own room.
Sir, do you mind if we close those doors? Don't be antisocial, Radar.
Would you mind turning your head, please.
Radar, I'm a doctor.
I've seen more behinds than you'll ever have.
Uh, gee, I don't think it's too much to ask for one guy to ask another guy to turn his head.
Your modesty is almost indecent.
Well, if you're a doctor like you say then you don't need to see any more than you've seen.
Go ahead.
Get sore.
I love it when those little wisps of steam come out of your tiny ears.
Excuse, please, mister.
Sir? There's a lady out there.
You'll have to excuse the way I look.
I haven't seen a beauty parlor since Tokyo.
Oh, you You look just fine.
Oh, thank you.
What was the question? What do you miss the most around here? Around here? Well, frankly, I'd have to say a sense of order and discipline.
I think you'll all agree that by trying to introduce more discipline, more order I have hopefully made this a more enjoyable war for all of us.
Fire ceremonial salute.
- But, sir, the angle - Fire the salute, Private! Yes, sir.
You! Ooh! [Clamoring.]
Well, one thing I miss is my wife's cooking.
What am I saying? Anybody's cooking.
- I got it.
Smell this.
- Come on.
Don't start with me.
- I know what it smells like.
- I mean it.
I can't eat if you do that.
Just take a sniff.
If you took a raw egg and buried it in a shoe under a chicken coop.
- I told you not to do that.
How am I gonna eat this stuff? - Am I right? - But a brown egg.
A brown egg, right? - Will you shut up? - Cream corn? - Thank you.
And for the entrée today - Here it comes.
- Steady.
We have liver or fish.
I didn't hear you say that.
Because it isn't possible.
It's inhuman to serve the same food day after day.
The Geneva convention prohibits the killing of our taste buds.
- Easy.
- I simply cannot eat the same food every day.
Fish, liver! Day after day! I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills.
I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions.
Are we gonna stand for this? Are we gonna let them do this to us? No, I say! No! We're not gonna eat this dreck anymore! We want something else! We want something else! [Chanting.]
We want something else! Draftees of the world arise! You have nothing to lose but your cookies! [Chanting.]
We want something else! Ah-ahh-ahh! Our foreign policy is not a political issue.
[Truman Continues.]
It is a matter oflife and death.
It is a matter of the future of mankind.
You will find that not one cent of $18,000 or anybody else from a constituent went into my personal pocket.
It never has and it never will in the future.
I shall go to Korea.
To rephrase an old adage war, like politics, makes strange bedfellows.
The 4077 th is a highly diverse, if not disparate, group of people.
And yet the war seems to have molded them into a family.
I would say, all things considered and without overstating it they're just about No, forget "just about.
" They're the best bunch of people I've ever worked with in my whole life.
Oh, my It's a horse, sir.
Here's the keys.
A beautiful horse.
I don't know what to say, Radar.
- Pretty nice, Radar.
- At least I'll get to take care of him.
- Sorry about that, sir.
- That's disgusting! Son, to me, that's a tiptoe through the tulips.
When you share the horror that we do day in and day out you don't just feel close, you cling to each other.
I hate the damn army, but I love these people.
The way people come and go around here.
You just get to know one person, and he leaves, and then there's another person.
Uh, was it something I said? I'm gonna grab a jeep drive to Seoul and catch the first plane home.
Right after they shoot you for desertion, you'll get a ticket for drunk driving.
I gotta see my daughters.
Do you know how long it's been since I made love to my wife? At least one daughter ago.
Trap, leaving a war in the middle is very upsetting to those who invited us.
Hey, listen.
I don't like a movie, I get up and leave.
I don't like the war, I'm going.
Aw, come on, Trap.
You gotta stick around and see how it ends.
Oh, but it doesn't end.
It's continuous.
When it finishes here, they take it on the road.
See ya in the funny papers.
- Trap.
- Hey, Hawk, out of the way.
I don't want to use violence.
Then I will.
Well, you have to understand, I'm regular army.
Most of them are not.
They're a terribly unruly and undisciplined bunch and I thank God for each and every one of them when those casualties roll in.
You get close to everybody in a place like this.
Some more than others, of course.
Uh, my bunkmate for instance, B.
J.
Hunnicutt.
Uh, clean-cut, family man, even temperament.
In spite of that, I really like the guy.
Tell me, who's the most devoted family man in the world? Mickey Rooney.
- Who gets an "A" in fidelity? - RCA Victor.
No.
You, both times.
So how come she turns down a date with Dr.
Jekyll to go work in the lab with Mr.
Hyde? She's helping me with some cases.
- I could use a little of that kind of help myself.
- Hawk You sure there's nothing going on between you two kids? - Honest.
- A little hanky-panky after taps? - I'm happily married! - Oh, yeah? I'm hopelessly, passionately in love with my wife.
- What's wrong with that? - I don't want to mess that up.
I feel like I've betrayed her.
We're still human beings, you know.
No matter how hard we try not to be.
Yes, I know, and I'm still afraid.
- Of what? - Of you.
Because you're right here.
And you're so attractive and so close.
And so vulnerable.
Yes.
We can be friends.
Okay.
Let's go back to work, friend.
And then, of course, there's Major Winchester, our newest arrival.
Someone should say something nice about him.
Uh H-He's a very good doctor.
- What's so great about him? - I do one thing at a time I do it very well, and then I move on.
Gentlemen, please pay close attention to this bowel resection.
I don't want to have to show it to you twice.
[Chuckles.]
I'm not gonna play second scalpel to this garbanzo for the rest of the war.
Why don't we avoid the Christmas rush and start hating him now? Sir, I have been here interminably.
Time flies when you've got good duty.
This meatball surgery is causing my skills to deteriorate! They're wasting away.
Don't change the color of your face! I'm out of umber! And I'm out of patience! This place is driving me mad! I've had enough of your beefing! I need you here and you'll stay here like the rest of us.
Here.
Your face is finished.
You can cut me off from the civilized world.
You can incarcerate me with two moronic cell mates.
You can torture me with your thrice-daily swill.
But you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester.
My voice shall be heard from this wilderness and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer.
I think he's getting the hang of this place.
Tell me something about the people here.
No, I don't want to get into personalities, uh, here.
However, there are some people that I will try very hard to forget.
Of course, I know I never shall.
One in particular who is, you might say Well, let's start with immature, self-righteous, arrogant everything I abhor.
For the record, the only thing that makes him marginally acceptable is his skill as a surgeon.
Of course, even in there his conduct is insufferable.
Good evening, ladies and germs.
I'm sorry I'm late, but my watch stopped.
It had to.
It's been running fast all week.
Is this the first time you've been pregnant? Nurse! Nurse! - Did you call me, Doctor? - Why should I call you "Doctor"? I'm the surgeon.
I will not carry a gun, Frank.
When I got into this war, I had a very clear understanding with the Pentagon no guns.
[Scoffs.]
I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward Cary Grant, cash-and-carry, "Carry Me Back to Old Virginia," I'll even hara-kiri if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun! Boy, you really are a sicko! Mental.
Wouldn't you be, Lieutenant Nightingale? It goes against my training to say take two aspirin and go get yourself killed.
What would Hippocrates say? What would Socrates say? And what would you say if I asked you if you wanted to go into the linen closet - for several minutes of heavy breathing? - Are you gonna knock it off? Nurse? Pull down my mask.
- Frank? - Hmm? Thank you.
Our head nurse is really something.
Uh, Major Houlihan.
Margaret.
Did I mention she's really something? Major Houlihan.
Sir! - Chief Nurse.
- Yes, sir.
- Ten years, spotless record.
- Thank you, sir.
Major Frank Burns.
Just friends, sir.
Flare your nostrils for me, Frank.
I get so excited when you flare them.
- Margaret, I get so excited when you say "excited.
" - [Laughs.]
Funny thing, war.
Never have so many suffered so much so so few could be so happy.
Frank, we're so lucky to be two of the few and not the many.
I know, darling, and I love being both of us.
Oh, Frank you're so above average.
Frank, be honest.
You really think of me as a bag of desirable bones.
- Oh, of course, Margaret.
- I have a mind, Frank.
A mind and a brain.
Of course you do.
Let me kiss your brain.
Frank, leave.
Take your face and your married face and get out! Avec plaisir, Miss Snake-in-the-Grass! Oh! You should talk, you two-timing four-flusher! - Oh, Frank! - Oh, Margaret! Did I mention she's really something? - You do me.
- Roll up your sleeve.
- Uh-uh.
- What do you mean, "Uh-uh"? I want mine on my tushy.
- Your what? - Derriere! The back of my front.
The fleshy part.
Sir Excuse me.
I'm sorry! [Laughing.]
Aaah! [Laughs.]
Margaret, that was fantastic! Let's get it over with.
My sentiments exactly.
Let us not dawdle over a moment like this.
Let us treat it as a professional encounter of the most Oh, Margaret, may I pause on this occasion to express a few thoughts? - If you say one word - Oh, I wouldn't.
I wouldn't.
Not a word.
But if I did, that word would be "magnificent.
" Would that be bad? - Will you please give me the shot! - Okay, okay! [Screams.]
Stop it! Stop it! You don't know whether we're Americans or Chinese or Koreans! Margaret, come here.
- I'm sorry.
I'm afraid.
- Me too.
So am I.
I don't like being afraid.
It scares me.
Me too.
I'd feel a lot braver if I weren't so scared.
- Please hold me.
- I'm holding you.
- I can't feel it.
Hold me.
Hold me.
- Margaret, I'm holding you.
Will you cut it out! You want to kill us? - For crying out loud, cut it out! - Stop it.
Stop it! - Stop it! Just leave us alone! - Will you cut it out! You know all those rotten things I've said to you? All those nasty little tricks I played on you? Yes.
I'd like to get well and do them all over again.