My Family (2000) s07e04 Episode Script

Michael, we've been around this roundabout four times now Why do you have to be so critical? Why don't you encourage him? I am encouraging him to get off this roundabout What's he doing, building up speed for a moon shot? Nobody's giving way That's five times Easy, dear Just slow down, indicate, someone will let you in (LOUD HONKING) Now speed up and cut across them Oh, six (HORN HONKING) - What do I do now? - Give him the finger! Don't you dare Keep your hands at ten to two You're going to get us killed I'm not the one driving us around in circles and that was seven, by the way It's okay, Michael Just don't panic Stay calm, relax, check your mirror and watch out for that car! (TYRES SCREECHING) Sorry, sorry, sorry I thought it was coming through Eight! He doesn't need the pressure of you counting Slow down a little Speed up a little Don't listen to him, Michael He's going to get us killed It's better than dying of old age on this roundabout Ignore him, Michael Unlike your father, I have never had an accident Actually, they weren't accidents I meant to hit those cars Yes, well thank you for teaching our son road rage You mess with a bull, you get the horns Oh, my God, Michael You've done it I'm so proud Now we can teach you how to do a three-point turn (APPLYING HAND BRAKE) No, thanks I'll take my chances on foot He gets that angry streak from you, you know I hope you're hungry I'm making my peanut butter tuna chow mein Oh! Mum, you know, I thought we all agreed that you would only make that speciality for special occasions It is a special occasion Michael's passing his driving test We're gonna celebrate when he gets home And are we gonna celebrate Would you watch this for me? I need to pack for the weekend Oh, yes I forgot you were going away Darling, how am I going to cope without you? Oh, you'll be fine I won't take the remote control Okay Dad, I'm surprised you're acting so cool Mum going away with another man for the weekend? Ah, it's only one of her art-buying trips with her anorak geezer client No (WHISTLING) Your mother and I have a relationship based on honesty and trust, Janey Give and take That's what it's all about Keep the change, Mr Chan Thank you Honesty and trust, Janey Give and take (JANEY GRUNTS) - Stiff neck, Janey? - Oh, yeah, It's killing me You know, I am skilled in the fine art of massage I could help Back home on the farm, I used to give the pigs massages to put them at ease Right before the spike was driven into their head Have you ever massaged anything on two legs? Oh, sure Chickens mostly Although I did do a duck with a nasty hamstring problem once Two sessions, he was as good as new Michael? Michael, what's wrong? Ben, come quickly Something's happened to Michael What? What's going on? What? Michael, are you all right? Are you hurt? What happened? Say something I failed my driving test Oh, my Is that all? I thought you'd smashed up my car, the insurance rates were gonna double The important thing is you're safe Michael, Michael, it's just a driving test You can take it again It'll be okay I'm a failure First time I've ever failed at anything Don't know how to react Janey, tell Michael how to react What? Don't ask me I passed my driving test the first time Oh, my God! I've never seen Michael so down I'm really worried about him - So what do you want me to do about it? - Worry with me Yeah He's got his university interview tomorrow Will you drive him? What? What's wrong with the train? He needs the support of his father right now Yes, yes, you're right Okay, I'll pay for the train What kind of a father are you? The kind that encourages self-reliance A little father-son time will do you some good I can't believe I'm saying this, but he needs you to be there for him Oh, Michael doesn't need me - How do you know? - Because he told me so To my face Several times And besides, he's leaving for university What's the point in bonding with him now? I know he can seem self-sufficient and can be a little aloof, but inside he's just a scared little boy, crying out for his father "Help me, Papa Help me" (CHUCKLES) All right, I'll drive him Okay, happy? (CHILDISH VOICE) Thank you, Papa He's never called me Papa I'll call you Papa In the mood for a little bonding, Papa? No, sorry, that voice has really killed it for me, Susan, sorry Hey, Mikey Mikey, Mikey, Mikey You know, Mikey, I often find myself in here late at night, nursing a scotch, wondering, "How did I get here?" Most nights Just can't sleep, that's all Maybe I'm no good at sleeping, either Yeah, well, I guess what I'm trying to say, Michael, is that this is my place to sulk So maybe you could do yours in the living room? Mikey, you know, the driving test is no big deal You don't get it, this is massive No, look, because you fail at something, doesn't mean you're a failure - That's exactly what it means - Yeah, fine Okay, right If you wanna be literal about it, yes, you are a failure Fine But you know, all I'm saying is you got to lighten up a bit You don't understand what it's like because you're used to failure The good news is the more you do it, the less it hurts There he is, our little genius Ready to take life by the scruff of the neck His whole future ahead of him Mum, I know what you're trying to do Michael, motivation is a two-way street If you're not going to join in, let's just forget about it, okay? Don't listen to him, Michael You're going to sail through it That's what you said before my driving test - Right Bye-bye - Bye Have fun on your exciting art-buying trip - Hello, I've come to pick up Susan - Susan, your driver's here Come on, Mikey, let's go Hello, James Ben, this is James Garrett, my client Pleasure to meet you I'm a great fan of your wife Oh, James Won't be a minute I just have to find my keys - Let's go, Dad - Not yet, Mikey - We don't wanna be late - I said not Susan, could I just have a word? (MUMBLING) That's James Garrett Sorry? - It's James Garrett - Yes Here's an idea Look, you drive Michael to the interview and I'll take James to look at art Are you jealous? No What, of him? Of course not - It's just a business trip - Yeah, I know I know that, yeah Okay Well, you two have fun, eh? - Bye, darling - Bye, dear (SUSAN CHUCKLES) Hi, Mikey Mikey, Mikey Pretty good bonding trip so far, eh? Just me and you The lads - Wanna turn on the radio? - Yeah (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) Janey, you still seem to be in considerable pain What exactly happened? I was at the gym, on the treadmill Exercising without proper supervision is a minefield Actually, some fit bloke went past and I just jerked my head too quickly That used to happen to the pigs when the butcher drove past (GROANS) God, this is getting worse Look, do you think you can sort it out for me? Janey, God gifted me with healing hands - I'm not getting naked - Fine, but neither will I Take a deep breath (BREATHING DEEPLY) I'm not some farm animal, so just be care Oh, God! (BREATHES DEEPLY) Oh, yes Just relax Don't even think about the spike - What? - Oh, I'm sorry Habit I mean, I failed once What's there to stop me from failing again? I mean, look at Nick and Janey (BEN CHUCKLES) Let's face it, they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree Yes! The tree is me, right? What do you know about this James Garrett? He's rich Really? Look at him, squandering it all on art Actually, he gives to a lot of charities - I bet that's not his real hair - Think it is Why don't you just marry him, Michael? Someone sounds a little jealous Jealous! I'm not jealous I'm just I think we could do with a little confidence-builder Dad, we are not playing another game of I Spy Nope Better idea I'm not so sure this is a good idea It's what going to college is all about Besides, it's only a pint, come on Come on, it'll take the edge off (BREATHES DEEPLY) Ah, yes, you're witnessing a right of passage today, sir The first pint I've ever bought my son Still five pound thirty I know, yes My God, it's cheaper down south Yeah, but you don't get my smiling demeanour - It's good - Yeah You know, Michael, I remember the first pint my dad ever bought me Celebrating Armistice Day? (CHUCKLING) You are so funny Ow! Don't you think we should keep our eyes on Lot 79? Yes, I thought the same thing I hope you brought your cheque book Hello, we've made reservations - Mr and Mrs - No, no We're not married I'm Mrs Harper and this is my friend, Mr James Garrett All right I mean I am married, happily Not to him, someone else This is professional He's a client We're not lovers We're here on business Yes, here it is I have a room under the name Harper And nothing for Garrett No, that's impossible My assistant made the reservations weeks ago We need two rooms Because we're just friends Well, colleagues, really Of course Well, surely you must have another room No, I'm afraid we're fully booked It's the art fair Everywhere is I'm so sorry My assistant is normally so efficient The room does have twin beds You could always share Oh, my God We can't do that We're not married Well, I am Yes, you mentioned that Well, we could drive back tonight It'll be a long journey, but Oh, no This is ridiculous Of course we can share We're colleagues It's twin beds - I suppose we could - I think you should Oh, shut up Would you please take Mrs Harper and her friend to 103? - We are just friends - I'm sure you are No, but you said "friends", like in "friend" Oh, I'm sorry Would you please take Mrs Harper and her friend to 103? Perhaps you should just call us business associates Very well, then Mrs Harper and her business associate to Room 103 - Look, you - Susan - Affair? - Prostitute Janey, I know you've been in a bit of pain lately, so I made you a cup of tea to help Oh, thanks, Abi But I'm no longer in Sorry, I guess I spaced out It's like there's a warm summer breeze blowing through my mind Oh, yeah I know that feeling I'm just so relaxed Must be the tea I'm glad I could help - I haven't had any tea yet - I know Powerful stuff No Listen, Alfie gave me the most incredible massage Do you mind if I have the tea? I'm too relaxed to mind anything Abi, listen, keep this quiet But during the massage, something happened - He worked out your kinks - Something deep - He undid a knot in your back - Deeper Oh! What was he massaging? Just my shoulders Alfie! Alfie, Abi's shoulder is sore Could you massage it? - No problem - No, really, Alfie, my shoulder's not sore, it's Oh, God! (SIGHING) Driving examiner? He was more like the Emperor of Driving who could decide my fate with a thumbs up or a thumbs down So I hit a few kerbs I didn't kill anybody Whoa, whoa, whoa Easy, tiger, I think you should slow down (SCOFFING) Next thing you'll be telling me I've had too many Yes, I would, except you haven't even finished one You think you've got troubles? See Colin over there? Wife's just left him for a rich bloke Pillock Oh, not you, Colin The guy who's having sex with your wife Come on, Susan, pick up Right, your mother's not even answering I'm sure she's fine She's just with some handsome millionaire Okay Let's get you to your interview Come on - But I want one more - No - For my confidence - I think you're confident enough - Hey, I'm not drunk - Sure, sure, sure, sure - I love you, Dad - Yeah, I love you, too, come on - Stay strong, Colin - Yep, stay strong Susan, you were stunning I can't believe the deal you got me on this I know, and a snip at 7,000 (KNOCKING) Sir? - Extra towels - Thank you, yes If you want, I can push the beds together, sir No, no We're not married Well, I'm married, but not to him Maybe you should just go Oh, damn My phone's dead and I left my charger at home I have to check in with Ben later - Shall I reserve for dinner? - Oh, why not? Hello I'd like a table for two, please James Garrett and Susan Harper in 103, but we're just friends Susan, I'm not gonna leave a message because I've left five messages already, which you haven't returned, so obviously it's pointless me leaving another one, but if you get this, call me Well, how did you get on? - I think I made quite an impression - Good boy - I threw up on him - Great, good As I was apologising, I threw up on him again Oh, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, the secret of highly successful people is persistence Now get back in there and explain the situation - It's locked - Well, at least we tried Hello, Janey (MOANING) Is the lovely Abi available? ABl: Yes, yes! Is that Abi? ABl: Yes! - What's going on in there? - Yeah, Roger, it isn't like it sounds It's so much better She's still not answering - Have you tried the hotel? - I can't remember the name of it - Mum told you where she'd be staying - Yes, I know, at least ten times, but I can't be expected to remember every detail your mother mentions Wasn't it the same place you took her on your anniversary? Oh, yeah Didn't you say they did your room up with champagne and rose petals? Yeah (STAMMERING) The You said they overcharged you for something The Montgomery Well, that was a lovely meal, thank you My pleasure And the company was delightful Absolutely exquisite Quite breathtaking Well, here we are Yes, here we are Right, I suppose we'd better sort out the sleeping arrangements, so we can go to bed - So which bed would you prefer? - Oh, you pick - No, you pick - No, no, you - No, you - All right BOTH: I'll have this one - Actually, I think I prefer that one - Okay Look, Susan, if you feel uneasy about this, perhaps we could pull the bed a bit further apart Good idea Well, that's better If you'll excuse me Susan Harper's room, please You all right, Mikey? Looking a little green round the gills I'll be fine Going to take it easy (PHONE RINGING) Hello? Hello? Sorry, Michael (CAR REVVING) Dad, no (TYRES SQUEALING) (MICHAEL VOMITING) Lean well out, Michael Keep it off the paintwork What's going on here? You've got to try this I'm simply oscillating Abi's clavicle If anybody's gonna oscillate Abi's clavicle, it's going to be me (ABI GRUNTS) Okay, whatever you like (CRACKING KNUCKLES) Oh, yeah That's really good stuff Mmm I've already told you I need Susan Harper's room number Yes, and I've already told you I can't give out that information But I I'm her husband Okay, fine I've got ID Here, look Here you go Ben Harper There Yes, well Harper is a fairly common name If you like, I could ring her room for you I've already done that and some bloke answered Ah I'm saying nothing, sir How would you like some free dental work? - Are you threatening me? - No, I'm a dentist Fine Fine, fine, fine Okay Here's five quid, okay? - Are you trying to bribe me? - No Just giving you five pounds Oh, all right Thank you - Well? - Well, what? - Give me the number - I've told you I can't do that - I just gave you five quid - You just said it wasn't a bribe I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave You and what army? Oh, this one Okay Come on, Mikey Come on, let's go - But I'm getting my confidence back - Let's go Cool If you're looking for Abi, she's asleep - Oh? - Mmm They always go to sleep afterwards Sometimes it would just be nice to stay up and talk Actually, it's you I've come to see, Alfred I need to know your secret - What secret? - Look, you I've never heard noises like that coming from Abi You must have done something You seem really stressed about this Roger (SIGHS) I've got a lot on my plate I mean, there's the wedding And the wedding night The thing is Alfred, I'm still a (GROANING) Oh, God! Oh, God Oh, God (WHISPERING) Come on Yeah, brilliant Yeah Mikey Mikey? (GROANING) No! No! Mikey! Mikey! Listen, Susan, you really shouldn't feel uncomfortable You've absolutely nothing to worry about - Apart from my snoring - Can't be worse than Ben's I find ear plugs help I shove them up his nose Nevertheless, you two seem to have a really solid relationship I tell you, when I was married, if my wife was alone in a hotel room with another man, I'd have found it very difficult to trust her Mind you, she was cheating on me So you know what I mean I suppose I'm lucky Ben's not the jealous type We have a mutual trust (INAUDIBLE) Oh, no - What? - My lens has slipped Let me see if I can find it Thanks I'd just better take them out I'll get dressed for bed (SHOUTING) Michael (CRASHING) I think it's a good idea if we never let Alfred touch either of us again - Just one more massage! - I'm not a machine! Maybe just one more and then we'll stop (SCREAMS) So he thought it would be a good idea to take me to get drunk Oh, yeah And then I threw up on the guy Cool - Susan! - Ben! - Susan? - What the hell's going on? I'll tell you what's going on, rich boy, you just bought yourself an arse-kicking Ben, no - There's been a huge misunderstanding - Ben, you're making a fool of yourself How do you wrestle a man in silk? Get down where I can get hold of you - Ben, I said leave the man alone - Susan get out of the way Oh, for God's sake You really were keen to get up here, sir, weren't you? What? Let go of my wife - I thought you were with him - He's just my client Yes, I'm afraid this is not that kind of hotel Escort that woman from the premises, please Listen, you silky worm - Get your hands off me - Get off her I'll save you, Susan (SUSAN GROANS) Ah! You got me skin - Ben, let him go - I just need to remove your pyjamas I can't get And these are my parents That's my mum on the floor Hi Nice to meet you - And that's my dad in the headlock - Hello Cool What are you doing naked in a bed - with a man in silk pyjamas, Susan? - You said you weren't jealous! Well, I hope you two are proud of yourselves BOTH: Sorry I've never been so embarrassed in my life BOTH: Sorry So throwing up over your professor doesn't count? As it happens, if you weren't so busy fighting, I could have told you I had a phone call from the admissions tutor Oh? Apparently, he always hated that professor He's offered me another interview next Saturday Do you want us to come with you? Uhno - This is all your fault, you know - What do you mean my fault? What am I supposed to think? You were in a hotel room with another man - It's nice to see you jealous - Jealous, don't be ridiculous (CHUCKLES) What's he got that I haven't? Twelve million quid? I tell you what he hasn't got, though Hmm? Me Twelve million quid