Not Going Out (2006) s07e04 Episode Script
Anna
# Yeah, not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around With my head in a spin # But there is no need To scream and shout # Yeah # Not going out We are not going out.
Look what the cat dragged in.
If you must know, I popped upstairs to see Anna.
We had a nice chat and There's a dead bird on the floor! I know.
A stray cat dragged it in - I did just say.
Why haven't you thrown it away? It's your turn to clear it up.
This is the first time it's ever happened.
I know, and next time it'll be my turn.
Lee.
Why were you at the neighbours again anyway? They're so ponsy.
What do you mean, ponsy? You know, the type that have vegetables with EVERY meal.
What do you want to get to know this woman for? Because she's interesting.
She and Toby go to gallery openings, first nights, parties with the rich and successful.
It's a totally different world up there.
Good God, you sound like the Little Mermaid.
Is that what you want, then? A life like hers? Yes.
Is that so wrong? Going to events, meeting interesting new people.
It's better than spending my weekends sitting watching TV with a bag of crisps.
Oh, I see.
And when you say "bag of crisps", you mean me.
If I'd have meant you, I'd have said pork scratchings.
Anyway, I've just invited her to pop down for some tea.
In fact, she'll be here quite soon.
Sorry, are you trying to get rid of me? No, of course not.
But, um, if you were going out, there's a great film on at the cinema.
It's in 3-D.
Right up your street.
I know where the cinema is.
You know what? We're not that different, me and her.
Lee, look at yourself.
You're holding a dead bird.
Yeah, in a Waitrose bag.
I'm usually the networker, but Toby's job at the hospital is just as valuable.
He recently did a gall bladder operation on a top events promoter and ever since then, we've been invited all sorts of wonderful things.
Wow.
We got to see the Stones last week.
DISGUSTED: Oh.
The Rolling Stones.
SHEEPISH: Oh.
LAUGHTER VIP tickets, right at the very front.
Sounds great.
Toby managed to pull a few strings.
Wow, you must have been sitting close.
LAUGHTER I was actually going to go to that concert as well, but I was so busy closing a huge deal.
Who with? Er I can't say yet, don't want to jinx it.
In my business, things can go wrong at any moment.
I thought you were at the cinema.
Whoa, watch it, sister! Never point at anyone wearing these things, you could have had my eye out.
Anna, you know Lee.
Hello.
All right? Lucy's just been telling me about the deal she's about to close.
The what? You remember.
Last weekend.
I was up all night trying to secure that big deal? Oh, yes, the big deal.
Remind me again, Lucy, how much was it for? Wow, that is a whopper.
So you must be pretty tired.
Are you going straight to bed? Oh, no, I've got time for a quick brew.
You won't like it, it's the special one.
That's all right.
I love Special Brew.
Just a joke.
Not a very good one.
Well, better than the one I was going to do when you said "the special one".
I was going to say, "Has Jose Mourinho pissed in your teapot?" LAUGHTER Where's the normal cups? Anna doesn't want to see your big, ugly mug, Lee.
Anna recently had a baby.
I'm sure she's used to taking a bigger cup size these days.
LAUGHTER And she doesn't want to hear your silly comments.
Lovely jugs, Lucy.
Oh, so it's all right when she does it.
LAUGHTER So, what we having to eat? Sorry? I thought you said Anna was coming round for tea.
We are having tea.
If we were eating, I think that would be a dinner party.
LAUGHTER Well, where I'm from, we call that tea.
No, Lee.
Dinner parties are what adults have.
Tea parties are what chimps have.
Oh, good God.
I said you wouldn't like it.
What happened to the normal PG Tips, Lucy? Lee's a big fan of PG Tips.
His family used to advertise them in the '70s.
LAUGHTER Really? No, it was another joke about me being a chimp.
Oh, I see.
I'm not a chimp.
PHONE RINGS Oh, I have to get this.
It's a business thing.
Excuse me a minute.
Hello? What the hell are you doing? What? You know what.
Trying to derail a blossoming friendship with your barbed, juvenile remarks.
I just don't think people should be false to try and impress other people.
OK, maybe I am trying to impress her a bit.
But she's a good person to know.
She's very well connected.
Uh, excuse me.
I know movers and shakers.
Like who? Me Uncle Colin and me Auntie Val.
He works for Pickfords, she's a recovering alcoholic.
Anna moves in different circles.
So does me Auntie Val, after a skinful.
Sorry, another social charity thing I'm trying to squeeze in.
My calendar is absolutely choc-full.
What is it, an advent calendar? LAUGHTER If ever you're looking for someone to take a spare invite off your hands OK.
Well, I'll bear it in mind.
Actually, I quite like a party, too.
To be honest, these events are quite exclusive.
So? Well, they wouldn't be exclusive if they didn't, you know, exclude people.
I thought they were charity dos.
They're not that charitable.
LAUGHTER But it was a hot day and there were two dogs locked inside and the window wasn't even open a crack.
I mean, what was I supposed to do? I smashed the window with a brick.
I think you're supposed to do that with cars, not houses.
Yeah, that's what the owner said.
But she was just upset because the brick hit one of the dogs.
You know, I'd phone the RSPCA but I'm worried they'd put YOU down.
LAUGHTER Are you still annoyed about Lucy's new, rich, well-to-do, high powered, upwardly mobile, important, classy, stylish friend? Yeah.
But thankfully, you're here to help me forget.
You know my nan used to say, "If you feel intimidated by someone, "just go and look at them when they're on the toilet.
" You mean imagine them on the toilet? Oh, THAT'S why the headmaster suspended me! LAUGHTER Anyway, I'm not intimidated by Anna.
So what's the problem? Oh, I get it.
You're worried that Lucy's going to find a new circle of friends, leave you behind.
So, why don't you just make sure you're part of it, too? How? Anna has made it clear that I am not getting invited anywhere.
So you invite her and her husband here.
Those sort of people love dinner parties.
I can't cook.
Oh, sorry, can you read? Oh, hello.
I wasn't expecting it to be you.
You haven't got one of those spy holes then? No, we should definitely get one of those.
Is Anna in? She's at work.
Right.
Well, I don't know if she mentioned, but she came round to our flat yesterday.
She did mention that, yes.
I was there, so was Lucy.
She mentioned that, too.
We all had a nice cup of tea.
She mentioned that as well.
Anna had a really nice time, actually.
LAUGHTER Anyway, er, it got me thinking.
Why don't we invite you two guys round for dinner? Oh That's very kind.
Great.
Well, I will see you tonight at seven o'clock.
It's very short notice to arrange a sitter.
Well, I'll let you bring the baby round, eh? The more, the merrier.
Right.
So how can you refuse? I'm not sure, give me a minute.
Look, the thing is that Anna has very strict requirements when it comes to dinner.
She doesn't eat wheat or yeast, or saturated fat or nuts.
Well, that's my deep-fried Snickers on Weetabix with a Marmite sauce out the window.
Are you sure? I mean, I'd hate to make someone do something they really, really didn't want to do in a million years.
I'm positive.
See you at seven.
(Oh, God.
) What's going on? I've just invited Anna and Toby round for a quick bite to eat.
What?! Go and cancel, right now.
POSH ACCENT: One does not cancel at such short notice.
It's very uncouth.
And one does not take etiquette tips from a man who sits on the toilet whilst eating a Pot Noodle.
LAUGHTER Why am I not allowed just to make a new friend? And why aren't I? Because you don't like her.
And you don't cook.
I watch MasterChef.
You watch porn, it doesn't make you Casanova.
Look, I'm sorry, Lee, I know you've gone to a lot of effort, but they're not coming and that's the end of it.
KNOCK AT DOOR I hate you.
Because I just wish you'd bloody asked me first! Yes, but Oh, hello.
Anna was just saying what a lovely surprise it was to get your invitation.
Yes, a real surprise.
Well, I'm just glad you were free.
I thought Toby was going to say you were busy.
Yes.
Yes, he could have said that, couldn't he? So in the end, I took a course of antibiotics and just had the trousers dry cleaned.
LAUGHTER I mean, the cat had to be destroyed, though.
So, everyone enjoying dinner? It's very interesting.
It's Jamie Oliver, his speciality chicken dish.
We like Heston, don't we, Anna? Oh, so do I.
Have to be honest, I'm surprised you two do, though.
Why? You just don't strike me as the kind of people to eat out at service stations.
LAUGHTER Heston Blumenthal, not Heston Services.
Right.
Well, I think it's lovely, Lee.
I think you've done a great job.
You're too kind, Toby.
He is, isn't he? Care for a little wine? I'd hardly call that a little wine.
No, a Lidl wine.
A wine from Lidl.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So, Toby, surgeon.
Sounds like a fascinating job.
Well, you get to meet some very interesting people.
And some horrible ones.
Tell them about that person last week.
Well, we had They had a man come in.
How heavy was he? He was about About 26st.
Tell them what he ate for breakfast.
Apparently Eight doughnuts, apparently.
Every day for 15 years.
Just stuffing his face all day.
Tell them what else he ate.
Well, four Four massive pizzas every day.
All day, just stuffing his face.
He probably only stopped eating to talk to the delivery man.
Or maybe his wife did all his talking for him.
So tell me, Lee He has to be quick.
What do you do for a living? Well, I have, er, various businesses.
Have you? What type? Various financial things.
Like what? I'm in stocks.
I wish you were.
We could all throw tomatoes at you tinned.
LAUGHTER Really? You seem surprised, Anna.
Well, it's just, with you renting a room, I just assumed Oh, no, no, no.
I just crash here when I've got business meetings this side of town.
I actually own properties all over London.
Oh, whereabouts? Mayfair.
Park Lane.
LAUGHTER Old Kent Road.
There's a big price difference between the first two and the last one.
I know.
I just like the free parking.
LAUGHTER Actually, Anna, we should probably think about getting back for the babysitter.
You go, if you like.
I want to hear more about Lee's line of work.
Yes, Lee, spin us some more of that.
Well, why don't I tell you more about it next time we all get together? Actually, one of those charity galas you were asking about is on this Friday, Lucy.
The Society Ball, highlight of the social calendar, organised by all the top bankers.
The Society Ball, I think one of the guys mentioned it recently, actually.
Who's that, then? Oh, my very good friend, the Chief Executive of Lloyds Bank.
Wow.
You really are full of surprises.
The CEO of Lloyds? You are a dark horse, aren't you? Probably why he likes me.
LAUGHTER AUDIENCE APPLAUDS Tickets are like gold dust, but Toby has been offered four.
So will you both join us? Love to.
It's a date.
Oh, that's great.
Thanks so much for the invite.
Actually, you say "invite".
It's a charity event so I'm sure you'll appreciate, the tickets aren't actually free, I'm afraid.
Of course.
How much do we owe you? £1,000 a plate.
Bloody hell, how much is the cutlery? I'm sorry to be such a pain.
Oh, no.
£1,000.
I'll write you a cheque.
Actually, Lucy, why don't you pay for me, too, and I will sort you out later? I don't know what's worse, giving you £1,000 or you saying you'll sort me out later.
LAUGHTER Well? Oh, dear, too late, already written it.
And that was my last cheque.
You'll have to pay for your own, I'm afraid.
Oh.
This Friday? No, actually, I have got a business meeting with Samuel F Zuckerberg.
Yeah, pretty big deal, actually.
Anyway, enough of me.
I don't want you all thinking I am stinking rich.
Oh, don't be modest.
You're halfway there.
LAUGHTER Oh.
Surprised to find you in here.
Thought you'd be brokering some huge deal with Alan Sugar.
Well, I can't get too close to him.
I'm diabetic.
You're not actually a millionaire, are you, Lee? Well, it depends how you define millionaire.
Well, for argument's sake, let's say it's a person with £1 million.
In that case .
.
no.
How much are you worth, exactly? Depends.
On what? On who's buying the next round.
I thought so.
Well, your wife seemed to fall for it.
Well, that's the thing about Anna.
You wave enough money around and she'll swallow anything.
LAUGHTER Excellent restraint.
Look, here's a thought Great, if it becomes a sentence, let me know.
What if I couldn't get hold of the tickets to this big charity event after all but you could? And how am I supposed to do that? Give my mate Pudsey a ring? You could take these.
I'll pretend to Anna and Lucy I couldn't get hold of them.
That way, you do the inviting and all four of us get to go.
I thought you'd already worked out I can't afford it.
Don't worry, they're all paid for, aren't they, by me.
MESSAGE ALERT Oh, God Anna's wondering where I am.
I'd better go.
There you go, you've just doubled your portfolio.
Hang on.
Is this pity? Is this the big posh man taking pity on poor little Lee and letting him go to the party as well as a special little treat? That's pretty much it, yeah.
Fine, just checking.
I'm sorry, Lucy.
Here's your cheque.
Toby assured me he could get those tickets.
Oh, I'm sure there will be other events every bit as good.
Don't feel bad, Toby.
No.
There's nothing else as good for ages.
Toby should feel bad.
She knows I'm right here, we just do most of our communicating through other people nowadays.
Hello, all.
Looking forward to your big night out on Friday? Bit of a sore point actually.
Toby couldn't get the tickets after all.
Oh, Toby, what happened? My contact went cold on me.
Well, don't blame yourself, these things happen on the operating table.
LAUGHTER Well, guess what I've got in my pocket.
Not now, Lee.
LAUGHTER Four free tickets to the same event from a business contact.
Who? If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
Go on, tell her.
LAUGHTER I've literally just got them from my good friend, the CEO of Lloyds Bank.
I was playing five-a-side with him.
This is great.
Thanks, Lee.
But I thought you had a big business meeting on Friday.
Oh, yes, I did.
But Lou Zuckerberg cancelled on me.
I thought his name was Samuel Zuckerberg.
It is.
Lou is his nickname.
Why? He's incontinent.
LAUGHTER SLOW JAZZ MUSIC Thanks for supporting such a worthwhile charity event, folks.
And don't forget, if you fancy joining us on stage to sing a little number, you'd be more than welcome.
In the meantime, here's a little Fine Romance to put you in the mood.
It's all right, Lee, you don't have to show the tickets to everyone.
It's hard to tell when everyone's dressed as a bouncer.
You look very dashing in that tie, Toby.
He always struggle to do the bow.
I have to do it for him.
Don't worry, I'm the same with Lee's shoelaces.
You don't scrub up too badly, do you, Lee? Thank you.
You're a very attractive scrubber yourself.
Is it Ozwald Boateng? Er, yes, it is, actually.
For the posh events, I go to posh shops.
And for charity events LAUGHTER I still don't know how the hell you ended up with those tickets.
I found a ha'penny in the gutter and used it to buy a bar of Willy Wonka chocolate.
I told you, I play five-a-side with the CEO of Lloyds Bank.
Do you? Yes, Lucy.
You know, there's a lot you don't know about me.
Well, there's one thing I do know about you, you like free booze.
Don't go crazy tonight, yeah? Excuse me, Lucy, I think I know a bit about self control, thank you very much.
What is he doing? Sorry.
I should have warned you about his problem.
Does he like the booze? No.
He's a bit of a dick.
Does he always let his hair down like this? Yep.
First his hair, then me, and eventually his trousers.
Well, I don't know about you losers, but I'm making some pretty good business contacts here tonight.
So Anna, you having fun, sweet cheeks? Yes, it's a great night.
It's all right, I suppose, if you like free champagne, ice sculptures and dwarf tossing.
They haven't got dwarf tossing.
Haven't they? Well, I owe that bloke over there an apology.
Sorry, mate! Thanks for a great night, Lee.
I just wonder if maybe it's time for you to get your coat.
Oh, why, Toby! And your wife sitting right in front of us! She doesn't get the jokes, this one, does she? I'm just saying, Anna MUSIC CUTS OUT LOUD VOICE: .
.
I think your husband's trying to shag me! LAUGHTER Hi, Anna.
Hi! Everyone, this is Jenny, top banker at HSBC.
Not any more, I'm now with Lloyds.
Uh-oh.
Oh, Lee here knows your CEO very well.
He plays football with him.
What? Joe Ashton? Yeah, that's him.
Yeah, Joe Ashton.
Yeah, he's a good footballer, Ashers.
Very dangerous on the wings.
I imagine he is, especially in that great, big, heavy wheelchair.
Well, this was before he was in the wheelchair.
In fact, it was me that put him in it.
Really? You gave him polio as a child in Kenya? Actually, it's not five-a-side I play with him, it's the other one.
Connect Four.
LAUGHTER You've never met him before, have you? No.
So where the hell did you get the tickets? OK cards on the table.
I won them off Theo Paphitis in a game of snakes and ladders.
Oh, for God's sake.
I gave them to him.
What? I'm sorry, Anna.
I just felt a bit sorry for him, that's all.
The poor guy's got no money and he was so desperate to be friends with us.
I'm not desperate, she's the one that was desperate.
She's the desperate one! Yes, and you're the drunk one.
Well, maybe I am drunk.
But you are sober.
And in the morning, I will be ugly.
So I'm guessing you don't own any businesses, then? No.
None.
I'm not like you.
I wasn't born with a silver spoon up my arse.
I don't eat muesli for breakfast and drive the kids to John Lewis in the back of a Range Rover with little screens that show Danish crime dramas on BBC Four.
And I don't know what quinoa, fennel and ramekins are, but I'm guessing they're the names of your future children.
Oh, God.
And you know what? I am proud of it! I do scratchcards whilst watching Jeremy Kyle, I like eating Turkey Twizzlers and Dairylea, washed down with Lambrini.
I go to the bingo non-ironically.
I've never eaten a peanut unless I've thrown it in the air first.
And I don't think of Panini as a piece of bread, it's a sticker album.
And I have got a bag for life from Greggs.
I am scum! There you go, that's the washing up done.
Just go.
Now.
Well, clearly I'm not wanted round here anymore.
I will go and sit with my real friend, Joe Ashton.
No, Lee.
You made that up, remember? Oh, yes.
Right, let's try to enjoy the rest of the night and pretend the drunken monkey was never here.
Good idea.
That's a bit much, Anna, He may have had a few too many drinks but We'll talk about this when we get home.
Can't we talk about it now? I feel safer with witnesses.
Look, it doesn't matter.
He's gone now.
Let's just enjoy the evening.
TAPPING ON MICROPHONE Can you hear me at the back? Oh, God.
This song is dedicated to a very special friend of mine.
It's an old classic by Simon Ninone.
Nina Simone.
Whatever.
God, please don't let anyone know he's with me.
This one's for you, Lucy Adams.
Yes, you, the one with the blue dress and the pink butterflies, trying to ignore me, yeah, you.
MUSIC: I Ain't Got No by Nina Simone # I ain't got no home Ain't got no shoes # Ain't got no skirt Ain't got no sweater # Ain't got no perfume Ain't got no bed # Ain't got no money Ain't got no class Ain't got no mind Can't argue with any of that so far.
Ain't got no mother Ain't got no culture Why the hell do you let this scumbag live with you, Lucy? He's got some good points.
Look at him, he's a mess.
Steady on, Anna.
It's what's on the inside that counts.
Typical surgeon.
You need to ditch him, Lucy.
You could really go places without someone like that dragging you down.
Why am I alive anyway All we need to do with you is smooth off some of the edges that hanging round with this waster has left on you.
What edges? (Oh, God.
) You won't believe this, but you could be quite attractive.
Tomorrow I'm taking you to my hairdresser.
I'm going to give you a complete makeover.
By the end of the day, you won't recognise yourself.
At least she lets you choose your own pants.
LAUGHTER # Got my soul, got my bag I got my sex Come on, Lucy, forget him.
There's some very eligible young men I'd like you to meet.
Do you think so, Anna? Don't you think I should smooth my edges first? Get my hair done? Stop recognising myself? Maybe you'd like me to get my teeth straightened while you're at it? Toby knows an amazing dentist.
# I got life! LOUD CRASH Actually, I think I'm going to go and fetch my pet monkey and get a kebab.
Sorry about Lee's behaviour, Toby.
Especially after you kindly got us the tickets.
Oh, there's no need to apologise.
This is one of the most enjoyable of Anna's events I've been to in ages.
Don't worry if you need to go schmoozing.
I'm quite happy to stay here and slap myself in the face.
Thanks for getting me home.
That's OK.
I wasn't enjoying the evening that much anyway.
Anna made it quite clear I have common touches.
You don't have any common touches.
Thank you.
Do you want some? LAUGHTER Will you be seeing Anna again? Well, she only lives upstairs.
I'm bound to bump into her in the foyer now and again.
Although I think she'd prefer it if you used the tradesman's entrance.
Blimey, and she says I'm common.
She's got a nerve, telling you to get your hair done.
I think it looks lovely.
Don't go changing No, more singing.
Right.
# Yeah, not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around With my head in a spin # But there is no need To scream and shout # Yeah, not going out We are not going out.
Look what the cat dragged in.
If you must know, I popped upstairs to see Anna.
We had a nice chat and There's a dead bird on the floor! I know.
A stray cat dragged it in - I did just say.
Why haven't you thrown it away? It's your turn to clear it up.
This is the first time it's ever happened.
I know, and next time it'll be my turn.
Lee.
Why were you at the neighbours again anyway? They're so ponsy.
What do you mean, ponsy? You know, the type that have vegetables with EVERY meal.
What do you want to get to know this woman for? Because she's interesting.
She and Toby go to gallery openings, first nights, parties with the rich and successful.
It's a totally different world up there.
Good God, you sound like the Little Mermaid.
Is that what you want, then? A life like hers? Yes.
Is that so wrong? Going to events, meeting interesting new people.
It's better than spending my weekends sitting watching TV with a bag of crisps.
Oh, I see.
And when you say "bag of crisps", you mean me.
If I'd have meant you, I'd have said pork scratchings.
Anyway, I've just invited her to pop down for some tea.
In fact, she'll be here quite soon.
Sorry, are you trying to get rid of me? No, of course not.
But, um, if you were going out, there's a great film on at the cinema.
It's in 3-D.
Right up your street.
I know where the cinema is.
You know what? We're not that different, me and her.
Lee, look at yourself.
You're holding a dead bird.
Yeah, in a Waitrose bag.
I'm usually the networker, but Toby's job at the hospital is just as valuable.
He recently did a gall bladder operation on a top events promoter and ever since then, we've been invited all sorts of wonderful things.
Wow.
We got to see the Stones last week.
DISGUSTED: Oh.
The Rolling Stones.
SHEEPISH: Oh.
LAUGHTER VIP tickets, right at the very front.
Sounds great.
Toby managed to pull a few strings.
Wow, you must have been sitting close.
LAUGHTER I was actually going to go to that concert as well, but I was so busy closing a huge deal.
Who with? Er I can't say yet, don't want to jinx it.
In my business, things can go wrong at any moment.
I thought you were at the cinema.
Whoa, watch it, sister! Never point at anyone wearing these things, you could have had my eye out.
Anna, you know Lee.
Hello.
All right? Lucy's just been telling me about the deal she's about to close.
The what? You remember.
Last weekend.
I was up all night trying to secure that big deal? Oh, yes, the big deal.
Remind me again, Lucy, how much was it for? Wow, that is a whopper.
So you must be pretty tired.
Are you going straight to bed? Oh, no, I've got time for a quick brew.
You won't like it, it's the special one.
That's all right.
I love Special Brew.
Just a joke.
Not a very good one.
Well, better than the one I was going to do when you said "the special one".
I was going to say, "Has Jose Mourinho pissed in your teapot?" LAUGHTER Where's the normal cups? Anna doesn't want to see your big, ugly mug, Lee.
Anna recently had a baby.
I'm sure she's used to taking a bigger cup size these days.
LAUGHTER And she doesn't want to hear your silly comments.
Lovely jugs, Lucy.
Oh, so it's all right when she does it.
LAUGHTER So, what we having to eat? Sorry? I thought you said Anna was coming round for tea.
We are having tea.
If we were eating, I think that would be a dinner party.
LAUGHTER Well, where I'm from, we call that tea.
No, Lee.
Dinner parties are what adults have.
Tea parties are what chimps have.
Oh, good God.
I said you wouldn't like it.
What happened to the normal PG Tips, Lucy? Lee's a big fan of PG Tips.
His family used to advertise them in the '70s.
LAUGHTER Really? No, it was another joke about me being a chimp.
Oh, I see.
I'm not a chimp.
PHONE RINGS Oh, I have to get this.
It's a business thing.
Excuse me a minute.
Hello? What the hell are you doing? What? You know what.
Trying to derail a blossoming friendship with your barbed, juvenile remarks.
I just don't think people should be false to try and impress other people.
OK, maybe I am trying to impress her a bit.
But she's a good person to know.
She's very well connected.
Uh, excuse me.
I know movers and shakers.
Like who? Me Uncle Colin and me Auntie Val.
He works for Pickfords, she's a recovering alcoholic.
Anna moves in different circles.
So does me Auntie Val, after a skinful.
Sorry, another social charity thing I'm trying to squeeze in.
My calendar is absolutely choc-full.
What is it, an advent calendar? LAUGHTER If ever you're looking for someone to take a spare invite off your hands OK.
Well, I'll bear it in mind.
Actually, I quite like a party, too.
To be honest, these events are quite exclusive.
So? Well, they wouldn't be exclusive if they didn't, you know, exclude people.
I thought they were charity dos.
They're not that charitable.
LAUGHTER But it was a hot day and there were two dogs locked inside and the window wasn't even open a crack.
I mean, what was I supposed to do? I smashed the window with a brick.
I think you're supposed to do that with cars, not houses.
Yeah, that's what the owner said.
But she was just upset because the brick hit one of the dogs.
You know, I'd phone the RSPCA but I'm worried they'd put YOU down.
LAUGHTER Are you still annoyed about Lucy's new, rich, well-to-do, high powered, upwardly mobile, important, classy, stylish friend? Yeah.
But thankfully, you're here to help me forget.
You know my nan used to say, "If you feel intimidated by someone, "just go and look at them when they're on the toilet.
" You mean imagine them on the toilet? Oh, THAT'S why the headmaster suspended me! LAUGHTER Anyway, I'm not intimidated by Anna.
So what's the problem? Oh, I get it.
You're worried that Lucy's going to find a new circle of friends, leave you behind.
So, why don't you just make sure you're part of it, too? How? Anna has made it clear that I am not getting invited anywhere.
So you invite her and her husband here.
Those sort of people love dinner parties.
I can't cook.
Oh, sorry, can you read? Oh, hello.
I wasn't expecting it to be you.
You haven't got one of those spy holes then? No, we should definitely get one of those.
Is Anna in? She's at work.
Right.
Well, I don't know if she mentioned, but she came round to our flat yesterday.
She did mention that, yes.
I was there, so was Lucy.
She mentioned that, too.
We all had a nice cup of tea.
She mentioned that as well.
Anna had a really nice time, actually.
LAUGHTER Anyway, er, it got me thinking.
Why don't we invite you two guys round for dinner? Oh That's very kind.
Great.
Well, I will see you tonight at seven o'clock.
It's very short notice to arrange a sitter.
Well, I'll let you bring the baby round, eh? The more, the merrier.
Right.
So how can you refuse? I'm not sure, give me a minute.
Look, the thing is that Anna has very strict requirements when it comes to dinner.
She doesn't eat wheat or yeast, or saturated fat or nuts.
Well, that's my deep-fried Snickers on Weetabix with a Marmite sauce out the window.
Are you sure? I mean, I'd hate to make someone do something they really, really didn't want to do in a million years.
I'm positive.
See you at seven.
(Oh, God.
) What's going on? I've just invited Anna and Toby round for a quick bite to eat.
What?! Go and cancel, right now.
POSH ACCENT: One does not cancel at such short notice.
It's very uncouth.
And one does not take etiquette tips from a man who sits on the toilet whilst eating a Pot Noodle.
LAUGHTER Why am I not allowed just to make a new friend? And why aren't I? Because you don't like her.
And you don't cook.
I watch MasterChef.
You watch porn, it doesn't make you Casanova.
Look, I'm sorry, Lee, I know you've gone to a lot of effort, but they're not coming and that's the end of it.
KNOCK AT DOOR I hate you.
Because I just wish you'd bloody asked me first! Yes, but Oh, hello.
Anna was just saying what a lovely surprise it was to get your invitation.
Yes, a real surprise.
Well, I'm just glad you were free.
I thought Toby was going to say you were busy.
Yes.
Yes, he could have said that, couldn't he? So in the end, I took a course of antibiotics and just had the trousers dry cleaned.
LAUGHTER I mean, the cat had to be destroyed, though.
So, everyone enjoying dinner? It's very interesting.
It's Jamie Oliver, his speciality chicken dish.
We like Heston, don't we, Anna? Oh, so do I.
Have to be honest, I'm surprised you two do, though.
Why? You just don't strike me as the kind of people to eat out at service stations.
LAUGHTER Heston Blumenthal, not Heston Services.
Right.
Well, I think it's lovely, Lee.
I think you've done a great job.
You're too kind, Toby.
He is, isn't he? Care for a little wine? I'd hardly call that a little wine.
No, a Lidl wine.
A wine from Lidl.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So, Toby, surgeon.
Sounds like a fascinating job.
Well, you get to meet some very interesting people.
And some horrible ones.
Tell them about that person last week.
Well, we had They had a man come in.
How heavy was he? He was about About 26st.
Tell them what he ate for breakfast.
Apparently Eight doughnuts, apparently.
Every day for 15 years.
Just stuffing his face all day.
Tell them what else he ate.
Well, four Four massive pizzas every day.
All day, just stuffing his face.
He probably only stopped eating to talk to the delivery man.
Or maybe his wife did all his talking for him.
So tell me, Lee He has to be quick.
What do you do for a living? Well, I have, er, various businesses.
Have you? What type? Various financial things.
Like what? I'm in stocks.
I wish you were.
We could all throw tomatoes at you tinned.
LAUGHTER Really? You seem surprised, Anna.
Well, it's just, with you renting a room, I just assumed Oh, no, no, no.
I just crash here when I've got business meetings this side of town.
I actually own properties all over London.
Oh, whereabouts? Mayfair.
Park Lane.
LAUGHTER Old Kent Road.
There's a big price difference between the first two and the last one.
I know.
I just like the free parking.
LAUGHTER Actually, Anna, we should probably think about getting back for the babysitter.
You go, if you like.
I want to hear more about Lee's line of work.
Yes, Lee, spin us some more of that.
Well, why don't I tell you more about it next time we all get together? Actually, one of those charity galas you were asking about is on this Friday, Lucy.
The Society Ball, highlight of the social calendar, organised by all the top bankers.
The Society Ball, I think one of the guys mentioned it recently, actually.
Who's that, then? Oh, my very good friend, the Chief Executive of Lloyds Bank.
Wow.
You really are full of surprises.
The CEO of Lloyds? You are a dark horse, aren't you? Probably why he likes me.
LAUGHTER AUDIENCE APPLAUDS Tickets are like gold dust, but Toby has been offered four.
So will you both join us? Love to.
It's a date.
Oh, that's great.
Thanks so much for the invite.
Actually, you say "invite".
It's a charity event so I'm sure you'll appreciate, the tickets aren't actually free, I'm afraid.
Of course.
How much do we owe you? £1,000 a plate.
Bloody hell, how much is the cutlery? I'm sorry to be such a pain.
Oh, no.
£1,000.
I'll write you a cheque.
Actually, Lucy, why don't you pay for me, too, and I will sort you out later? I don't know what's worse, giving you £1,000 or you saying you'll sort me out later.
LAUGHTER Well? Oh, dear, too late, already written it.
And that was my last cheque.
You'll have to pay for your own, I'm afraid.
Oh.
This Friday? No, actually, I have got a business meeting with Samuel F Zuckerberg.
Yeah, pretty big deal, actually.
Anyway, enough of me.
I don't want you all thinking I am stinking rich.
Oh, don't be modest.
You're halfway there.
LAUGHTER Oh.
Surprised to find you in here.
Thought you'd be brokering some huge deal with Alan Sugar.
Well, I can't get too close to him.
I'm diabetic.
You're not actually a millionaire, are you, Lee? Well, it depends how you define millionaire.
Well, for argument's sake, let's say it's a person with £1 million.
In that case .
.
no.
How much are you worth, exactly? Depends.
On what? On who's buying the next round.
I thought so.
Well, your wife seemed to fall for it.
Well, that's the thing about Anna.
You wave enough money around and she'll swallow anything.
LAUGHTER Excellent restraint.
Look, here's a thought Great, if it becomes a sentence, let me know.
What if I couldn't get hold of the tickets to this big charity event after all but you could? And how am I supposed to do that? Give my mate Pudsey a ring? You could take these.
I'll pretend to Anna and Lucy I couldn't get hold of them.
That way, you do the inviting and all four of us get to go.
I thought you'd already worked out I can't afford it.
Don't worry, they're all paid for, aren't they, by me.
MESSAGE ALERT Oh, God Anna's wondering where I am.
I'd better go.
There you go, you've just doubled your portfolio.
Hang on.
Is this pity? Is this the big posh man taking pity on poor little Lee and letting him go to the party as well as a special little treat? That's pretty much it, yeah.
Fine, just checking.
I'm sorry, Lucy.
Here's your cheque.
Toby assured me he could get those tickets.
Oh, I'm sure there will be other events every bit as good.
Don't feel bad, Toby.
No.
There's nothing else as good for ages.
Toby should feel bad.
She knows I'm right here, we just do most of our communicating through other people nowadays.
Hello, all.
Looking forward to your big night out on Friday? Bit of a sore point actually.
Toby couldn't get the tickets after all.
Oh, Toby, what happened? My contact went cold on me.
Well, don't blame yourself, these things happen on the operating table.
LAUGHTER Well, guess what I've got in my pocket.
Not now, Lee.
LAUGHTER Four free tickets to the same event from a business contact.
Who? If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
Go on, tell her.
LAUGHTER I've literally just got them from my good friend, the CEO of Lloyds Bank.
I was playing five-a-side with him.
This is great.
Thanks, Lee.
But I thought you had a big business meeting on Friday.
Oh, yes, I did.
But Lou Zuckerberg cancelled on me.
I thought his name was Samuel Zuckerberg.
It is.
Lou is his nickname.
Why? He's incontinent.
LAUGHTER SLOW JAZZ MUSIC Thanks for supporting such a worthwhile charity event, folks.
And don't forget, if you fancy joining us on stage to sing a little number, you'd be more than welcome.
In the meantime, here's a little Fine Romance to put you in the mood.
It's all right, Lee, you don't have to show the tickets to everyone.
It's hard to tell when everyone's dressed as a bouncer.
You look very dashing in that tie, Toby.
He always struggle to do the bow.
I have to do it for him.
Don't worry, I'm the same with Lee's shoelaces.
You don't scrub up too badly, do you, Lee? Thank you.
You're a very attractive scrubber yourself.
Is it Ozwald Boateng? Er, yes, it is, actually.
For the posh events, I go to posh shops.
And for charity events LAUGHTER I still don't know how the hell you ended up with those tickets.
I found a ha'penny in the gutter and used it to buy a bar of Willy Wonka chocolate.
I told you, I play five-a-side with the CEO of Lloyds Bank.
Do you? Yes, Lucy.
You know, there's a lot you don't know about me.
Well, there's one thing I do know about you, you like free booze.
Don't go crazy tonight, yeah? Excuse me, Lucy, I think I know a bit about self control, thank you very much.
What is he doing? Sorry.
I should have warned you about his problem.
Does he like the booze? No.
He's a bit of a dick.
Does he always let his hair down like this? Yep.
First his hair, then me, and eventually his trousers.
Well, I don't know about you losers, but I'm making some pretty good business contacts here tonight.
So Anna, you having fun, sweet cheeks? Yes, it's a great night.
It's all right, I suppose, if you like free champagne, ice sculptures and dwarf tossing.
They haven't got dwarf tossing.
Haven't they? Well, I owe that bloke over there an apology.
Sorry, mate! Thanks for a great night, Lee.
I just wonder if maybe it's time for you to get your coat.
Oh, why, Toby! And your wife sitting right in front of us! She doesn't get the jokes, this one, does she? I'm just saying, Anna MUSIC CUTS OUT LOUD VOICE: .
.
I think your husband's trying to shag me! LAUGHTER Hi, Anna.
Hi! Everyone, this is Jenny, top banker at HSBC.
Not any more, I'm now with Lloyds.
Uh-oh.
Oh, Lee here knows your CEO very well.
He plays football with him.
What? Joe Ashton? Yeah, that's him.
Yeah, Joe Ashton.
Yeah, he's a good footballer, Ashers.
Very dangerous on the wings.
I imagine he is, especially in that great, big, heavy wheelchair.
Well, this was before he was in the wheelchair.
In fact, it was me that put him in it.
Really? You gave him polio as a child in Kenya? Actually, it's not five-a-side I play with him, it's the other one.
Connect Four.
LAUGHTER You've never met him before, have you? No.
So where the hell did you get the tickets? OK cards on the table.
I won them off Theo Paphitis in a game of snakes and ladders.
Oh, for God's sake.
I gave them to him.
What? I'm sorry, Anna.
I just felt a bit sorry for him, that's all.
The poor guy's got no money and he was so desperate to be friends with us.
I'm not desperate, she's the one that was desperate.
She's the desperate one! Yes, and you're the drunk one.
Well, maybe I am drunk.
But you are sober.
And in the morning, I will be ugly.
So I'm guessing you don't own any businesses, then? No.
None.
I'm not like you.
I wasn't born with a silver spoon up my arse.
I don't eat muesli for breakfast and drive the kids to John Lewis in the back of a Range Rover with little screens that show Danish crime dramas on BBC Four.
And I don't know what quinoa, fennel and ramekins are, but I'm guessing they're the names of your future children.
Oh, God.
And you know what? I am proud of it! I do scratchcards whilst watching Jeremy Kyle, I like eating Turkey Twizzlers and Dairylea, washed down with Lambrini.
I go to the bingo non-ironically.
I've never eaten a peanut unless I've thrown it in the air first.
And I don't think of Panini as a piece of bread, it's a sticker album.
And I have got a bag for life from Greggs.
I am scum! There you go, that's the washing up done.
Just go.
Now.
Well, clearly I'm not wanted round here anymore.
I will go and sit with my real friend, Joe Ashton.
No, Lee.
You made that up, remember? Oh, yes.
Right, let's try to enjoy the rest of the night and pretend the drunken monkey was never here.
Good idea.
That's a bit much, Anna, He may have had a few too many drinks but We'll talk about this when we get home.
Can't we talk about it now? I feel safer with witnesses.
Look, it doesn't matter.
He's gone now.
Let's just enjoy the evening.
TAPPING ON MICROPHONE Can you hear me at the back? Oh, God.
This song is dedicated to a very special friend of mine.
It's an old classic by Simon Ninone.
Nina Simone.
Whatever.
God, please don't let anyone know he's with me.
This one's for you, Lucy Adams.
Yes, you, the one with the blue dress and the pink butterflies, trying to ignore me, yeah, you.
MUSIC: I Ain't Got No by Nina Simone # I ain't got no home Ain't got no shoes # Ain't got no skirt Ain't got no sweater # Ain't got no perfume Ain't got no bed # Ain't got no money Ain't got no class Ain't got no mind Can't argue with any of that so far.
Ain't got no mother Ain't got no culture Why the hell do you let this scumbag live with you, Lucy? He's got some good points.
Look at him, he's a mess.
Steady on, Anna.
It's what's on the inside that counts.
Typical surgeon.
You need to ditch him, Lucy.
You could really go places without someone like that dragging you down.
Why am I alive anyway All we need to do with you is smooth off some of the edges that hanging round with this waster has left on you.
What edges? (Oh, God.
) You won't believe this, but you could be quite attractive.
Tomorrow I'm taking you to my hairdresser.
I'm going to give you a complete makeover.
By the end of the day, you won't recognise yourself.
At least she lets you choose your own pants.
LAUGHTER # Got my soul, got my bag I got my sex Come on, Lucy, forget him.
There's some very eligible young men I'd like you to meet.
Do you think so, Anna? Don't you think I should smooth my edges first? Get my hair done? Stop recognising myself? Maybe you'd like me to get my teeth straightened while you're at it? Toby knows an amazing dentist.
# I got life! LOUD CRASH Actually, I think I'm going to go and fetch my pet monkey and get a kebab.
Sorry about Lee's behaviour, Toby.
Especially after you kindly got us the tickets.
Oh, there's no need to apologise.
This is one of the most enjoyable of Anna's events I've been to in ages.
Don't worry if you need to go schmoozing.
I'm quite happy to stay here and slap myself in the face.
Thanks for getting me home.
That's OK.
I wasn't enjoying the evening that much anyway.
Anna made it quite clear I have common touches.
You don't have any common touches.
Thank you.
Do you want some? LAUGHTER Will you be seeing Anna again? Well, she only lives upstairs.
I'm bound to bump into her in the foyer now and again.
Although I think she'd prefer it if you used the tradesman's entrance.
Blimey, and she says I'm common.
She's got a nerve, telling you to get your hair done.
I think it looks lovely.
Don't go changing No, more singing.
Right.
# Yeah, not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around With my head in a spin # But there is no need To scream and shout # Yeah, not going out We are not going out.