Offspring (2010) s07e04 Episode Script
Season 7, Episode 4
1 A park bench in Darcy's honour? Yes.
I thought perhaps over there.
It's not possible.
There! Were you just about to kiss me? Uh yes.
You know this can only end badly.
You're just expecting me to be happy.
Do I look happy? No.
And the truth is, I may never be able to give you what you want.
I'm sorry.
I can't do this.
I hereby appoint myself chief engineer and project manager of your sex wall.
What is a sex wall? It's a protective shield.
Yeah, where you prevent the romanticising of Mick, while creating new romance with new men.
I need you to tell me when Martin is coming back.
If I knew, I'd tell you.
No one's said it out loud, but what if Martin doesn't come back at all? Am I expected to take over permanently? Would you want to? Does Georgie know about all this? Honestly, I wish you two would just sort yourselves out.
(THINKS) A couple of days off.
Everything's under control.
You're on top of your job.
You have time for cardiovascular fitness.
You even have time to cook a meal from scratch.
Nina Proudman, you are nailing life.
Hello.
Hello! Hey.
Um so, I've got a friend coming to stay.
I've offered my place, but if it's okay with you and Zo, I'd like to be here instead of there.
- You want to stay here? - For two weeks.
(THINKS) Two weeks? It'll be just like living together, but not really.
A trial.
Yes, it's perfect.
It'll be a practice run to see if we're well, what I've suspected all along.
Perfectly compatible to cohabitate.
Kinda give her some time to pack her stuff and then she can take some of it away.
Who? Georgie.
Your ex? Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
She's back from India, and she's staying at my place.
(THINKS) Hang on.
What?! Oh, why, oh, why, oh, why won't you sing? Bring your hips to me.
Oh, bring your hips Oh, oh, bring your hips to me To me Oh, bring your hips to me.
Oh, bring your hips Oh, oh, bring your hips to me To me To me Oh, why, oh, why Oh, why won't you sing? Offspring 7x04 July 19, 2017 Is that all right? It's just, I'd rather be here with you than there with her.
Ah! Of of course.
Yeah, I mean I have told you a lot about Patrick.
- You've hardly mentioned Georgia.
- Georgie.
- Exactly.
- What would you like to know? Well - Ask anything at all.
- How long were you together? 10 years.
- (SNORTS) - On and off.
With a lot of off.
Who broke it off? She did.
Oh, you split up just before we met each other.
I remember that.
- No, nine months ago.
- Yeah, not long.
It's long enough.
When did you last see each other? Since I put her on a plane to Mumbai.
Is she seeing anyone else? She was with someone overseas.
It seems to have fizzled out.
So, no.
Is that why she's come back? I don't know.
And she wants to stay at your place because? It was her place too, before she left.
Her stuff is still there.
She has a key? - She's on the lease.
- Oh! (THINKS) Don't panic.
Everyone has exes, Harry's just got the one.
Don't be threatened by it, Nina.
Be cool.
Nailing life, remember? Handle this moment well.
Have her to dinner.
Welcome her! Everybody welcome here.
Georgie's in town.
She's a big part of your life.
We should meet.
That's a very bad idea.
What? It's perfect.
I've got some time off.
I'll cook.
Invite her to dinner! Tomorrow.
You're supposed to be having a stress-free break from work.
Okay? Georgie creates stress.
That's her her happy place.
- Mi casa, su casa, her casa.
- Her casa? No.
Her casa.
I'm just here making sure you've got your compression pants on.
Oh! Good.
Because I had this dream last night that your feet got very swollen and grotesque and disgusting.
I just want to make sure that you're you're looking after yourself, Kim.
It's all right.
You're bullshitting.
- You're not fooling anyone.
- Shifts.
I need shifts.
We need the money.
Uni doesn't go back until next semester.
I know I sound like a beggar, but I just I don't want to be doing what I'm doing.
Okay? I can give you Friday night, if you like.
- Please tease me.
- What, tease you? I would I'd never.
.
tease you.
(LAUGHS) Well, I don't like it when you're nice to me.
It's scaring me.
Say something.
Anything.
- "Oh, fall from grace.
" - (MOBILE RINGS) "Oh, look at the little people crawling back on their little legs.
" Give me the Sunday shift.
Anything.
Humiliate me, please.
No, ridiculous.
They'll call if they need to.
(MOBILE RINGS) Hello.
- Did you just prank me? - No.
Sad, sad, sad.
- Welcome back.
- Go ahead.
Yes.
Beggar.
(THINKS) If I was at work, I wouldn't have time to make dinner.
Or take the long way through the park.
Darcy's bench! It's gone.
There is no one on earth so petty, so tiny-minded, so obsessed with getting my attention as Phil D'Arabont.
You'd think that Darcy dying on a sex boat with a bunch of dried-up old purses was enough, but oh, no.
No.
Now, he's messing with Darcy's bench.
(SIGHS) Swine! I'd like to cut up his velvety robes, and I'll roll around in the mud in it, and I'll Oh! You're there, are you? (LAUGHS) Well, where's the bench, Phil? Oh, is that right? Well, what are your demands? Yes.
(BOTH SIGH) How's your enforced mental health leave panning out? Well, I wrote a list of all the things I wanted to do when I eventually had time off, and I did them in 20 minutes.
What's happening with Clegg? I have asked Cherie what she knows, and she continues to be non-committal.
I just don't know how much longer I can do his job and mine.
Found the bench? Between a red and silver pole and an old tree.
- That poetry? - No, it's a clue.
It's a treasure hunt? I told you, the man's sick.
Come on.
(LAUGHS) I'm off to work.
I don't have time for family sexcapades.
I'm starting to wish I was too.
So, I found the first brick for your sex wall.
Mr Simon "I'm the only guy free on Friday" Pappandrea.
Tomorrow? Well, it doesn't have to be so soon.
Do you know him? He divorced one of our clients two years ago.
She's desperately happy with someone else, so put him forward to try and help him move on a little.
- Sounds clingy.
- But safe.
Reasonably attractive, and disease-free.
- Maybe this is a bad idea.
- Billie Proudman, look here.
This is about sex.
This is about physicality.
This is about losing the familiarity you have right now with Mick's body.
- That's it.
- What if he falls in love with me? Then I'll be phone at hand, at the ready to bail you out.
Okay, so what? I-I-I make a call, send a text, and then what? You magically appear and rescue me from the date? That's too obvious.
Something like that could shatter a man's ego.
Thoughtful.
Got a better idea? Shadow me.
If you're there, I can relay carefully constructed signals to you from the table without him knowing.
You can intervene if necessary, like you're in the Secret Service.
Ooh, I always thought I'd make a great spy.
Access to Intel, weapons, and catsuits.
Revealing.
And inaccurate.
All right.
I will agree to shadow you.
As long as you call me Katerina Vashekovska-Milosovic.
Deal.
Tell Simon I'll be there Friday, Katerina.
And I'll be at the bar, drinking freely, contemplating my single spy life, while watching over you for signs of dating distress.
No, no.
Failed plan.
Abort, abort.
What's wrong now? I just saw you in my head.
You're going to attract too much attention with all your attractiveness, sitting alone at the bar.
- I'll end up shadowing you.
- (SCOFFS) And I don't want to support your entry back into the world of men.
Not yet.
Not for Will's sake.
I will have Jimmy shadow you.
Shadow the shadower? You'll look like any other couple.
Perfect, copy that.
Over.
- To the first brick.
- To the first brick.
- What's all this? - Shopping.
And a paella dish.
I thought you said low-key.
No big deal.
When Georgie gets here, we could go out for dinner.
That way we can leave.
The point is to have her here.
Georgie is not the person to be doing this for.
Okay? I don't know how many ways I can say it.
Out of my kitchen.
I need to put the fish stock on.
- I'm serious.
- Out, out, out.
It's fine.
(THINKS) Right.
Apron on.
Cookbook out.
And what am I thinking? - Neens.
- I've been pretending that I'm excited about cooking for Harry's ex, and I've just realised I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
- Or why.
- Right.
Relax.
Breathe.
You are committed, but you're not going for a chef's hat.
Just make something simple.
I've chosen an impossible paella.
I mean, am I crazy? People usually keep their distance from the ex.
I've invited her to my home.
Well, that's what's beautiful about you.
You jump right in.
I just want you to wake me up when it's all over and tell me it was fine.
I can't.
You know why? Because I'm going out tonight with a guy who I also don't know, and I'm having my own internal freak-out about it.
Oh, Billie! But Neens, what do we do when we're nervous about something? Eat? No, we bring in our secret weapon.
- Wine? - No! Our best selves.
Our best selves? We can be whoever we want to be tonight, because it doesn't matter.
It's just one night in our whole lives, with two people we don't even know.
So why not dress up and have fun with it? Exactly.
Just have fun.
And then you show me which goes next.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Good girl.
Okay, do you want to run inside and get your dress on? We're committed.
We're doing it.
It's just I'm a bit worried about her.
Okay.
Candles, rosemary, lots of hangy things? Yeah.
Leave it with me.
- Whoa.
- Whoa yourself.
Four words, Neens.
No, no, no.
No.
- Geranium-scented almond soy.
- They smell gorgeous.
It's too much, Neens.
It's too far.
It's just a table setting with some rosemary on it, - and some some tea lights.
- Pull it back.
You know, spare your energy for someone who hasn't been having sex with Harry for the past 10 years.
There is nothing about Harry's life that I am afraid to know.
I am cool, and I cook organic seafood.
You are so far outside your best self right now you can't see Earth.
You're floating.
You have lost the hooky thing that connects you to the spaceship.
And what about your best self? She's looking I know.
Too much like me.
But I'm going on a date with a guy, and I don't want him to, you know, fall in love with me.
I need to look more like you.
Wardrobe, now.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - (THINKS) Shit! She's early.
Hello? I don't know what I meant to do, you know? It's never happened to me before.
Breaking up actually hurts.
Ow! I am hereby appointing you person in charge of Will's feelings.
- What? No.
Why me? - WILL: The whole thing is so unfair.
Kerry didn't tell me she wasn't happy.
- Will's my brother, Kerry's my boss.
- (Will continues indistinctly) I can't be stuck in the middle.
Which leaves you.
WILL: in it together! But no, no, turns out Will and Kerry are disappointment of the year.
And second place to turmeric latte.
I don't think I can help him.
I agree with him about the lattes, though.
- That works.
- Ah.
And? - Those.
- Great.
So what do I do? I can't call her.
I don't have her number anymore.
What? Why? Well, because Mum said "Remove the weakness," so I deleted her from my phone.
I don't know.
I'm thinking that you just had an argument about dog poo, and you accidentally broke up.
Hm.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - That's her.
- Ooh! - Get out.
This is - Go.
Out.
I've got it.
- I can help.
- Thank you.
I've got it.
- Anything you need This is like hide and seek.
Oh! I love the smell of rosemary! - Yeah! It's nice.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Nina? - Yes.
Hi.
Oh, it's so, so, so, so nice to finally meet you, Georgie.
(THINKS) Too much.
Pull it back.
So nice.
(THINKS) Ugh! Please come in.
I don't know about you, Nina, but I need to drink.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) - Water? - Wine? I meant wine.
I'm not sure why I said water.
You can have water too, if you want.
I love water.
- Me too.
- Want some? Uh maybe later.
Well, here we are.
It's nice to put a face to a name.
Always is.
How was India? Magical, life-changing.
Food for the soul.
- Have you ever been? - No.
Oh.
Well, um the people are glorious.
Thank you.
And the vibe's just really kind of chilled and friendly and chaotic.
It's a bit like Nepal.
Have you ever been? - No.
- Oh I'm planning.
Yeah, you should.
I love your place.
You've got really great taste.
Thank you.
Harry will be down any minute.
He's just dressing Zoe.
Have you got a kid? Yes, my daughter.
Harry didn't mention that? We've been texting, but no.
He left that bit out.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, they get along really well, which is a big relief.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh.
Sorry, Georgie.
I don't know who that could be.
I'll just - Hey, George.
- Long time.
That it is.
This is Zoe.
- Cherie! - I just spoke to Martin.
Oh! Now? What did he say? When's he coming home? I'm starting to doubt my strategy.
What does that mean? I think it was naïve to expect that sex would bring him home.
- Can I come in? - Tell me here.
- Why? What's going on in there? - Nothing.
Harry's ex is here.
For dinner.
I can't really talk.
- Invite me in.
Go on.
- No.
I want to see what she's like.
I want to see what you're like with her.
Nina.
Can I open this Pinot? Make yourself at home.
- Oh, you're being weird.
Let me in.
- No, I can't.
Cherie, please just tell me when Martin's coming home.
That's why I brought the wine, to soften the blow.
Okay, brace yourself.
I don't know, but it's not going to be any time soon.
I'm sorry.
I just I can't really.
I'll have to go inside.
Okay.
(SIGHS) Good luck tonight.
Okay, signal number one.
Ordering vegetarian means "I'm staying for dinner, "but want to be interrupted before the going-home part.
" Vegetarian's a bail-out option.
Got it.
Ordering seafood means the date is over.
Call me.
Think of a reason to get me out of there.
Someone died.
Someone's trapped.
Someone's lost their beloved blind relative and needs my help to find him.
Seafood is an emergency evacuation.
We should be writing these down.
Ordering a meat dish signifies that the date is going well.
Remain at ease, but don't go anywhere, in case it turns to seafood.
What if you get in there, you like the look of him, and you want us gone? As in, "Please don't watch me devour this man.
" I haven't thought of that as an option.
Okay.
Uh signal number four.
I shall place my jacket on my shoulders if I want you to leave immediately without me.
Signal number four, get out the door.
Jacket on, shadows be gone.
I think we've got it.
I'm going in now.
Just remember, he's not forever man.
Try not to banter too much, you might not get anything back.
Good evening.
Hello, there's a booking for Proudman.
Yes, your party has already arrived.
- Can I take your coat? - Oh, thank you.
Oh, no! Signal number four, hanging on the wall.
Thwarted.
Right this way.
- Oh.
Uh Simon.
- Yeah.
Hello, Billie.
Hi.
- Evening, folks.
- Mr and Mrs Tacos.
Billie booked it.
It's Tacovsky.
Polish, but no one can say it, so we go by Tacos.
Fascinating.
Right, this way.
You could tell me the short version.
There is no short version to divorce.
So, I've fallen asleep on the bus, because you know, I've been three days smoking hashish in Kathmandu.
And I woke up, and there was Harry standing over me, like some big, blonde, handsome warrior guy.
I was worried her bag'd get stolen.
She left it on the seat, so There was nothing in it to steal.
What, your passport? Is that is that something? Anyway okay.
So, well, Harry had been guarding me, and we started chatting, and I realised that I had not been paying attention - when I was booking my ticket.
- Ooh! And what had happened was that I had accidentally booked a 35-hour trip to Delhi.
(LAUGHS) That was the beginning of India.
Um three months.
Uh - Two months.
- Whatever.
Until we got to Calcutta.
And when we got there, was Please don't.
Yeah, nah.
We don't need to go into that.
Mr Shittypants used to think it was funny.
Anyway, we lost ourselves in paradise, and two months turned into 10 years together.
(THINKS) Kill me now.
Sounds amazing.
So, um how did you guys get together? It was a public relations scandal at work.
It was pretty spicy.
(THINKS) Really? Spicy? We didn't really like each other at first.
- I did.
- Well, we pretended that we didn't.
Deep down we did.
That's cute.
(THINKS) Why did I think this was a good idea? I think it might be bedtime for Zoe.
- Let's go.
- Goodnight, Zo-zo.
Hey! I'll see you in the morning for some porridge, huh? - Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
- Goodnight, Harry.
- Sleep well.
- Come on.
- Here we go.
- This is too much.
- What? - What? - What? What? You're all hippie families, and bath time and porridge in the morning now? I mean, you're hilarious, Harry, but I get it.
You can stop now.
It actually has nothing to do with you.
But it so does.
(BUZZ!) Steady heart, steady hand.
Yes! Wishbone.
And then, of course, after being demoted, I felt unsure of what the future held for me.
So, I decided to go into financial services.
Financial services.
I've told you this bit already? No, no, it's fine.
I mean, yes, you have, but, you know, this is the whole getting-to-know-you part.
I feel like I'm getting a pretty good idea.
Have madame and sir decided? I really feel like seafood tonight.
What is that face? Her signals are all mixed up.
- Was that a help face? - Or is she constipated? I'll have the barramundi.
Thank you.
WAITER: Certainly.
Would you like to try the oyster entrees? I've got a small share in the farm where these are from.
I was surprised to see them on the menu.
That's really interesting.
She's picking up the menu again.
- What? - What? So, is that a dozen oysters to share, or? Let's get a dozen each.
That's lovely.
Do you know what? I'm actually going to go with your vegetarian option.
The pumpkin gnocchi.
I think I I think I made up my mind too quickly.
Simon, tell me about the oyster farm.
That must be a whole other world.
It's actually just a financial investment.
I've never been there.
I don't really like to know where my food comes from.
Wait! Sorry.
I just I need more time.
Um What? (BURPS) Sorry, did did you just? Yeah.
Pardon me.
Have madame and sir decided? Um we've hardly looked.
Sorry.
Actually, I'll have what that lady over there just ordered.
Her? She hasn't decided either.
Ah, well, whatever she has, you can put me down for one of those.
She just looks like someone who makes great decisions.
(THINKS) Hard work.
This is hard work.
Just start talking.
I'm an obstetrician.
And at work right now - Harry said you're a midwife.
- No, I didn't.
Jeez, George, you always hear what you want to hear.
Babies, all right? I get it.
I'm filling in for a colleague at work at the moment.
Can't imagine going to work in the same building every day.
Doesn't that shit you? (THINKS) You shit me.
I love it.
You never know what each day is going to bring.
It's very wewarding.
Looks great.
- It does.
- Enjoy.
Thank you.
I don't usually like to order the veal, you know, that whole baby cow thing.
- Mm-hm.
- But I've got a pumpkin allergy, so Excuse me, diners.
I trust everything is up to standard this evening.
The service has been great.
And are your meals to your satisfaction? Delicious.
I will pass on your remarks to the chef.
I see you have chosen the vegetarian gnocchi.
One of our specialties.
Yeah, but I-I would also like to try your veal, if that's okay, Simon.
Yeah, of course.
She ordered the vegetarian, but she's eating his meat.
Flesh and bone, leave me alone? - But the jacket was go home.
- (BILLIE SNEEZES) - Oh, bless you.
- Sorry.
- And what was that? - Sauerkraut! - Sauerkraut? - Sauerkraut? (LAUGHS) We are really messing this up.
Can I ask you something? Are they your friends over there? Worse.
That's actually my brother.
I asked them to be here in case I needed to make a quick exit.
Ah.
See over there? That whole table is my cheer squad.
You can't see it from here, but they're all wearing shirts with my name on them.
Sorry.
It seems silly now, but I just I didn't know how tonight was going to go.
Do you want a quick exit? No.
Um There's something I need to talk to you about.
Recently I separated from my husband, Mick.
And tonight is meant to be about me getting over him, in a physical sense, by building a wall between us.
And you were to be the first brick, if you wanted to be the brick.
What are you talking about? If you would like to be the first person to get naked with me, and in so doing, fast-track the monumental grief I am experiencing regarding my husband, who I adore and will never get over, then there is a position vacant for a limited time only.
It is a one-night, sex-only arrangement.
I will not call you, contact you afterwards, or put your number in my phone.
Are you in? - Oh, my God, they're leaving.
- Stay there.
(THINKS) Look what you've done.
You've gone and created the most romantic date in the world.
- Psst.
Take this.
- No, I don't want to.
Yes, you do.
Everybody wants the final rose.
I want Harry to give it to me.
What if we did the whole ceremony thing? And if he chooses Georgie, I can just run off with it.
Okay, deal.
My life's hard without you, Harry.
That's what I realised when I was away.
Like the little things are really difficult when you're not around.
And the big things I just couldn't.
I had to come home.
I needed to know where you were at.
My roads have always led me back to you, and now I'm here and I can't find you.
You know? You're gone.
And you invite me to this courtyard, which really isn't you.
What sort of courtyard am I? And you've got this girlfriend who's like maybe she's nice, but I can't take any more of her trying to be friends.
Because we're not friends, Harry.
We've never been friends.
I don't want to be your friend.
Well, maybe that was our problem.
Well, it's a smashed mess.
(LAUGHS) The chocolate balls, I meant.
The they broke.
Harry hasn't told you much about us, has he? (GROANS) No one wants to know too much, do they? Well, you do.
I mean, that's why you invited me here, isn't it? Sort of figure out what kind of threat I am.
No, no.
Not at all, actually.
Oh, it's fine, because maybe I wanted to know what kind of threat you were too.
Well, now you know.
(LAUGHS) Maybe we just I don't know, maybe we just head in.
- Sorry, Georgie, I really d - He's hiding things from you.
I'm not hiding anything.
Should we have some dessert? Why don't I believe that, Harry? Neens, when we were together I asked Georgie to marry me.
(THINKS) Pretend you knew.
- Oh, that.
Fine.
Great.
- Yeah.
- Twice.
- Yeah, and you said no.
The first time, yeah.
The second time you asked me, I said yes and we were engaged.
For two days, and then you broke it off.
I've still got the ring.
Yeah, and you never wore it.
Then you left.
And now I'm back.
You and me were 10 years, Harry.
What are you two? Zero.
Don't go, Neens.
Jesus.
George, I couldn't wait forever.
10 years was my limit.
Yes, when you left me the first, second, third time, the fourth time, it hurt.
But the fifth time, the sixth time, I started to feel relieved.
It became so predictable.
Pleading with me that you just needed a little bit more time.
I had to let you go, I had to take you back.
I had to let you go.
And then I met Nina.
And guess what? It's better.
I don't want to go a day without seeing her, and so far, she seems to want me around, too.
So let me be very clear.
My mind is made up.
I'm walking through life with Nina now, and it feels easy, and it feels right.
I want you to be happy, George.
But not with me.
Where's the bathroom? - Yeah, it's just through there.
- Thanks.
You okay? You shouldn't have had to see that.
Well, you did warn me.
I should have listened.
I'm going to go now.
Thanks for dinner, Nina.
You're a really amazing cook.
I'll walk you out.
At this point, I feel obliged to tell you that I'm really good at this.
Righto.
You're about to embark on a night that I promise you you'll never forget, but one that I fully intend to.
I'm talking, "See you at the supermarket "and keep perusing the yoghurt "with an unparalleled level of interest"-type avoidance.
I get it.
Leave your inhibitions at the door.
Well, I live here.
Okay, I'm actually really nervous.
I'm going to start taking my clothes off now.
The best thing would be if you would match me.
- The shoes can be quite tricky.
- Um Yeah.
Bedroom's up the stairs and feel free to peruse my wall of sex medals on your way up.
Actually, the only metal I have is a netball medal.
- What position? - Wing attack.
Wing defence.
(MOBILE RINGS) Nina? You still awake? I was hoping you'd call.
I've been a bad friend.
I have been so caught up in hassling you about Martin, I haven't asked you how you are.
You must be missing him.
Yeah, I am.
(BOTH SPEAK INDISTINCTLY) JIMMY: So How Of the crowd We are so going to get kicked out.
Mm.
- We need to chill out, man.
- Agreed.
Beer chaser? That is the smartest thing you've said all night.
Apart from Sauerkraut.
(LAUGHS) All right, we're going, we're going.
If you're horny, let's do it Ride it, my pony My saddle's waiting Come and jump on it Sitting here flossing Peeping your steelo Just once if I have the chance 3 The things I would do to you You and your body Every single portion Oh Okay.
The last time Billie saw us, we were at the restaurant, yeah? As far as anyone needs to know, we just went home! If we never tell anyone, it never happened.
I think you're underestimating my sisters.
The only people who know about this on the planet are us.
And if we keep it that way Okay.
It ends here.
It ends here.
It was perfect.
My exit was to form.
Exquisite.
You couldn't tell I'd been there.
I smoothed out the sheet and removed my fingerprints, like some kind of untraceable sex bandit.
You might want to work on the phrasing of that.
Yes, I shouldn't have fallen asleep at his house.
Room to improve.
But it didn't matter one bit, because when I left, he was sound asleep.
No trace of Billie.
Well done.
And tick for laying your first brick.
There's one problem.
Itchy? I left my phone on his charger.
(LAUGHS) What? I'm sorry.
It's just that you went to so much trouble to erase yourself.
That's so unlucky.
Please don't ask me to go and get it.
The deal was we would never see each other again.
I can't go back there, Neens.
That cock has sailed.
HARRY: I'll get it.
(WHISPERS) I know! (ALFIE AND PADDY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Oh VOICE-MAIL: You have one new message.
ZARA: Hey.
It's me.
I know things have been so shitty between us lately so I wanted to say one thing without any excuses.
I'm sorry, Jimmy.
I'm really I'm really, really sorry for what I've done to us.
A rock.
An old tree.
PHIL: (ON PHONE) You're getting warmer.
- Between a rock - Yes.
- And an old tree.
- Yes, warmer.
(LAUGHS) - Is the place you'll find me.
- (LAUGHS) - An infringement notice.
- Mm-hm.
Well, if you think I'm paying this, you've got a lot of waiting to do.
No, no, it's paid.
Oh.
- Well.
- (CHUCKLES) What now? A garden bed should not be red.
No hungry heart should go unfed.
Your missing bench is someplace new.
A fitting spot to sit for two.
So.
You've cemented Darcy in, have you? Well, if that isn't reverse psychology, I don't know what is.
- Your official approval.
- I don't need your Thank you.
(LAUGHS) A dinner invitation? Ha! Humour me.
Well, if I can afford the wine, I'm not coming.
I know it was one of these.
Then use your feelings.
Close your eyes and point.
We're gonna be using the Force now? 40% sure it's that one.
40% ain't bad.
How will I know it's him? Um if it's him, I won't honk the horn.
Sure.
Okay.
I think I love Harry.
I'm sorry about last night.
We are complete opposites.
You both said it.
She's spontaneous, always surprising you.
Hey, monkey.
(LAUGHS) I don't do anything on a whim, Harry.
I am so measured.
Measured is great.
Come on, sweetie.
Gonna have a play? There you go.
You asked her to marry you.
Yeah, twice.
That's no small thing.
No.
It's not, and I'll forever be relieved that she said no.
Twice.
Yeah.
Twice hurts.
For the longest time, I thought she was what I wanted.
But when she flew out to Mumbai that last time, I got back from the airport, and I laid on our bed, and I wished that she were different.
And then I thought, "Well, she could be different if she was someone else.
" And really, I was wishing for you.
And you appeared in my life.
And just like that, I could see a future again.
- I'm sorry that - I'm in love with you.
Move in.
Is this you being spontaneous? Oh, I have thought about it before now, so that makes me spontaneous and measured.
I don't like it when you go home.
The thing is I don't like going home either.
And I'm in love with you too.
Hold our skin We're the colours that we've always been I'm in love with you.
Move in.
- Oh! Is that all you're bringin? - Yep.
- Oh thatâs bad.
- It is when it's something big.
To prove he's serious.
- Are you feeling insecure.
- I wasnât.
I feel that you might be having doubts.
Why do you feel that? Most people move in with, I don't know more than two bags.
Either you're here or your not here? If this is the relationship you want, then I'm not interested.
Oh, why, oh, why Oh, why won't you sing?
I thought perhaps over there.
It's not possible.
There! Were you just about to kiss me? Uh yes.
You know this can only end badly.
You're just expecting me to be happy.
Do I look happy? No.
And the truth is, I may never be able to give you what you want.
I'm sorry.
I can't do this.
I hereby appoint myself chief engineer and project manager of your sex wall.
What is a sex wall? It's a protective shield.
Yeah, where you prevent the romanticising of Mick, while creating new romance with new men.
I need you to tell me when Martin is coming back.
If I knew, I'd tell you.
No one's said it out loud, but what if Martin doesn't come back at all? Am I expected to take over permanently? Would you want to? Does Georgie know about all this? Honestly, I wish you two would just sort yourselves out.
(THINKS) A couple of days off.
Everything's under control.
You're on top of your job.
You have time for cardiovascular fitness.
You even have time to cook a meal from scratch.
Nina Proudman, you are nailing life.
Hello.
Hello! Hey.
Um so, I've got a friend coming to stay.
I've offered my place, but if it's okay with you and Zo, I'd like to be here instead of there.
- You want to stay here? - For two weeks.
(THINKS) Two weeks? It'll be just like living together, but not really.
A trial.
Yes, it's perfect.
It'll be a practice run to see if we're well, what I've suspected all along.
Perfectly compatible to cohabitate.
Kinda give her some time to pack her stuff and then she can take some of it away.
Who? Georgie.
Your ex? Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
She's back from India, and she's staying at my place.
(THINKS) Hang on.
What?! Oh, why, oh, why, oh, why won't you sing? Bring your hips to me.
Oh, bring your hips Oh, oh, bring your hips to me To me Oh, bring your hips to me.
Oh, bring your hips Oh, oh, bring your hips to me To me To me Oh, why, oh, why Oh, why won't you sing? Offspring 7x04 July 19, 2017 Is that all right? It's just, I'd rather be here with you than there with her.
Ah! Of of course.
Yeah, I mean I have told you a lot about Patrick.
- You've hardly mentioned Georgia.
- Georgie.
- Exactly.
- What would you like to know? Well - Ask anything at all.
- How long were you together? 10 years.
- (SNORTS) - On and off.
With a lot of off.
Who broke it off? She did.
Oh, you split up just before we met each other.
I remember that.
- No, nine months ago.
- Yeah, not long.
It's long enough.
When did you last see each other? Since I put her on a plane to Mumbai.
Is she seeing anyone else? She was with someone overseas.
It seems to have fizzled out.
So, no.
Is that why she's come back? I don't know.
And she wants to stay at your place because? It was her place too, before she left.
Her stuff is still there.
She has a key? - She's on the lease.
- Oh! (THINKS) Don't panic.
Everyone has exes, Harry's just got the one.
Don't be threatened by it, Nina.
Be cool.
Nailing life, remember? Handle this moment well.
Have her to dinner.
Welcome her! Everybody welcome here.
Georgie's in town.
She's a big part of your life.
We should meet.
That's a very bad idea.
What? It's perfect.
I've got some time off.
I'll cook.
Invite her to dinner! Tomorrow.
You're supposed to be having a stress-free break from work.
Okay? Georgie creates stress.
That's her her happy place.
- Mi casa, su casa, her casa.
- Her casa? No.
Her casa.
I'm just here making sure you've got your compression pants on.
Oh! Good.
Because I had this dream last night that your feet got very swollen and grotesque and disgusting.
I just want to make sure that you're you're looking after yourself, Kim.
It's all right.
You're bullshitting.
- You're not fooling anyone.
- Shifts.
I need shifts.
We need the money.
Uni doesn't go back until next semester.
I know I sound like a beggar, but I just I don't want to be doing what I'm doing.
Okay? I can give you Friday night, if you like.
- Please tease me.
- What, tease you? I would I'd never.
.
tease you.
(LAUGHS) Well, I don't like it when you're nice to me.
It's scaring me.
Say something.
Anything.
- "Oh, fall from grace.
" - (MOBILE RINGS) "Oh, look at the little people crawling back on their little legs.
" Give me the Sunday shift.
Anything.
Humiliate me, please.
No, ridiculous.
They'll call if they need to.
(MOBILE RINGS) Hello.
- Did you just prank me? - No.
Sad, sad, sad.
- Welcome back.
- Go ahead.
Yes.
Beggar.
(THINKS) If I was at work, I wouldn't have time to make dinner.
Or take the long way through the park.
Darcy's bench! It's gone.
There is no one on earth so petty, so tiny-minded, so obsessed with getting my attention as Phil D'Arabont.
You'd think that Darcy dying on a sex boat with a bunch of dried-up old purses was enough, but oh, no.
No.
Now, he's messing with Darcy's bench.
(SIGHS) Swine! I'd like to cut up his velvety robes, and I'll roll around in the mud in it, and I'll Oh! You're there, are you? (LAUGHS) Well, where's the bench, Phil? Oh, is that right? Well, what are your demands? Yes.
(BOTH SIGH) How's your enforced mental health leave panning out? Well, I wrote a list of all the things I wanted to do when I eventually had time off, and I did them in 20 minutes.
What's happening with Clegg? I have asked Cherie what she knows, and she continues to be non-committal.
I just don't know how much longer I can do his job and mine.
Found the bench? Between a red and silver pole and an old tree.
- That poetry? - No, it's a clue.
It's a treasure hunt? I told you, the man's sick.
Come on.
(LAUGHS) I'm off to work.
I don't have time for family sexcapades.
I'm starting to wish I was too.
So, I found the first brick for your sex wall.
Mr Simon "I'm the only guy free on Friday" Pappandrea.
Tomorrow? Well, it doesn't have to be so soon.
Do you know him? He divorced one of our clients two years ago.
She's desperately happy with someone else, so put him forward to try and help him move on a little.
- Sounds clingy.
- But safe.
Reasonably attractive, and disease-free.
- Maybe this is a bad idea.
- Billie Proudman, look here.
This is about sex.
This is about physicality.
This is about losing the familiarity you have right now with Mick's body.
- That's it.
- What if he falls in love with me? Then I'll be phone at hand, at the ready to bail you out.
Okay, so what? I-I-I make a call, send a text, and then what? You magically appear and rescue me from the date? That's too obvious.
Something like that could shatter a man's ego.
Thoughtful.
Got a better idea? Shadow me.
If you're there, I can relay carefully constructed signals to you from the table without him knowing.
You can intervene if necessary, like you're in the Secret Service.
Ooh, I always thought I'd make a great spy.
Access to Intel, weapons, and catsuits.
Revealing.
And inaccurate.
All right.
I will agree to shadow you.
As long as you call me Katerina Vashekovska-Milosovic.
Deal.
Tell Simon I'll be there Friday, Katerina.
And I'll be at the bar, drinking freely, contemplating my single spy life, while watching over you for signs of dating distress.
No, no.
Failed plan.
Abort, abort.
What's wrong now? I just saw you in my head.
You're going to attract too much attention with all your attractiveness, sitting alone at the bar.
- I'll end up shadowing you.
- (SCOFFS) And I don't want to support your entry back into the world of men.
Not yet.
Not for Will's sake.
I will have Jimmy shadow you.
Shadow the shadower? You'll look like any other couple.
Perfect, copy that.
Over.
- To the first brick.
- To the first brick.
- What's all this? - Shopping.
And a paella dish.
I thought you said low-key.
No big deal.
When Georgie gets here, we could go out for dinner.
That way we can leave.
The point is to have her here.
Georgie is not the person to be doing this for.
Okay? I don't know how many ways I can say it.
Out of my kitchen.
I need to put the fish stock on.
- I'm serious.
- Out, out, out.
It's fine.
(THINKS) Right.
Apron on.
Cookbook out.
And what am I thinking? - Neens.
- I've been pretending that I'm excited about cooking for Harry's ex, and I've just realised I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
- Or why.
- Right.
Relax.
Breathe.
You are committed, but you're not going for a chef's hat.
Just make something simple.
I've chosen an impossible paella.
I mean, am I crazy? People usually keep their distance from the ex.
I've invited her to my home.
Well, that's what's beautiful about you.
You jump right in.
I just want you to wake me up when it's all over and tell me it was fine.
I can't.
You know why? Because I'm going out tonight with a guy who I also don't know, and I'm having my own internal freak-out about it.
Oh, Billie! But Neens, what do we do when we're nervous about something? Eat? No, we bring in our secret weapon.
- Wine? - No! Our best selves.
Our best selves? We can be whoever we want to be tonight, because it doesn't matter.
It's just one night in our whole lives, with two people we don't even know.
So why not dress up and have fun with it? Exactly.
Just have fun.
And then you show me which goes next.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Good girl.
Okay, do you want to run inside and get your dress on? We're committed.
We're doing it.
It's just I'm a bit worried about her.
Okay.
Candles, rosemary, lots of hangy things? Yeah.
Leave it with me.
- Whoa.
- Whoa yourself.
Four words, Neens.
No, no, no.
No.
- Geranium-scented almond soy.
- They smell gorgeous.
It's too much, Neens.
It's too far.
It's just a table setting with some rosemary on it, - and some some tea lights.
- Pull it back.
You know, spare your energy for someone who hasn't been having sex with Harry for the past 10 years.
There is nothing about Harry's life that I am afraid to know.
I am cool, and I cook organic seafood.
You are so far outside your best self right now you can't see Earth.
You're floating.
You have lost the hooky thing that connects you to the spaceship.
And what about your best self? She's looking I know.
Too much like me.
But I'm going on a date with a guy, and I don't want him to, you know, fall in love with me.
I need to look more like you.
Wardrobe, now.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - (THINKS) Shit! She's early.
Hello? I don't know what I meant to do, you know? It's never happened to me before.
Breaking up actually hurts.
Ow! I am hereby appointing you person in charge of Will's feelings.
- What? No.
Why me? - WILL: The whole thing is so unfair.
Kerry didn't tell me she wasn't happy.
- Will's my brother, Kerry's my boss.
- (Will continues indistinctly) I can't be stuck in the middle.
Which leaves you.
WILL: in it together! But no, no, turns out Will and Kerry are disappointment of the year.
And second place to turmeric latte.
I don't think I can help him.
I agree with him about the lattes, though.
- That works.
- Ah.
And? - Those.
- Great.
So what do I do? I can't call her.
I don't have her number anymore.
What? Why? Well, because Mum said "Remove the weakness," so I deleted her from my phone.
I don't know.
I'm thinking that you just had an argument about dog poo, and you accidentally broke up.
Hm.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - That's her.
- Ooh! - Get out.
This is - Go.
Out.
I've got it.
- I can help.
- Thank you.
I've got it.
- Anything you need This is like hide and seek.
Oh! I love the smell of rosemary! - Yeah! It's nice.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Nina? - Yes.
Hi.
Oh, it's so, so, so, so nice to finally meet you, Georgie.
(THINKS) Too much.
Pull it back.
So nice.
(THINKS) Ugh! Please come in.
I don't know about you, Nina, but I need to drink.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) - Water? - Wine? I meant wine.
I'm not sure why I said water.
You can have water too, if you want.
I love water.
- Me too.
- Want some? Uh maybe later.
Well, here we are.
It's nice to put a face to a name.
Always is.
How was India? Magical, life-changing.
Food for the soul.
- Have you ever been? - No.
Oh.
Well, um the people are glorious.
Thank you.
And the vibe's just really kind of chilled and friendly and chaotic.
It's a bit like Nepal.
Have you ever been? - No.
- Oh I'm planning.
Yeah, you should.
I love your place.
You've got really great taste.
Thank you.
Harry will be down any minute.
He's just dressing Zoe.
Have you got a kid? Yes, my daughter.
Harry didn't mention that? We've been texting, but no.
He left that bit out.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, they get along really well, which is a big relief.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh.
Sorry, Georgie.
I don't know who that could be.
I'll just - Hey, George.
- Long time.
That it is.
This is Zoe.
- Cherie! - I just spoke to Martin.
Oh! Now? What did he say? When's he coming home? I'm starting to doubt my strategy.
What does that mean? I think it was naïve to expect that sex would bring him home.
- Can I come in? - Tell me here.
- Why? What's going on in there? - Nothing.
Harry's ex is here.
For dinner.
I can't really talk.
- Invite me in.
Go on.
- No.
I want to see what she's like.
I want to see what you're like with her.
Nina.
Can I open this Pinot? Make yourself at home.
- Oh, you're being weird.
Let me in.
- No, I can't.
Cherie, please just tell me when Martin's coming home.
That's why I brought the wine, to soften the blow.
Okay, brace yourself.
I don't know, but it's not going to be any time soon.
I'm sorry.
I just I can't really.
I'll have to go inside.
Okay.
(SIGHS) Good luck tonight.
Okay, signal number one.
Ordering vegetarian means "I'm staying for dinner, "but want to be interrupted before the going-home part.
" Vegetarian's a bail-out option.
Got it.
Ordering seafood means the date is over.
Call me.
Think of a reason to get me out of there.
Someone died.
Someone's trapped.
Someone's lost their beloved blind relative and needs my help to find him.
Seafood is an emergency evacuation.
We should be writing these down.
Ordering a meat dish signifies that the date is going well.
Remain at ease, but don't go anywhere, in case it turns to seafood.
What if you get in there, you like the look of him, and you want us gone? As in, "Please don't watch me devour this man.
" I haven't thought of that as an option.
Okay.
Uh signal number four.
I shall place my jacket on my shoulders if I want you to leave immediately without me.
Signal number four, get out the door.
Jacket on, shadows be gone.
I think we've got it.
I'm going in now.
Just remember, he's not forever man.
Try not to banter too much, you might not get anything back.
Good evening.
Hello, there's a booking for Proudman.
Yes, your party has already arrived.
- Can I take your coat? - Oh, thank you.
Oh, no! Signal number four, hanging on the wall.
Thwarted.
Right this way.
- Oh.
Uh Simon.
- Yeah.
Hello, Billie.
Hi.
- Evening, folks.
- Mr and Mrs Tacos.
Billie booked it.
It's Tacovsky.
Polish, but no one can say it, so we go by Tacos.
Fascinating.
Right, this way.
You could tell me the short version.
There is no short version to divorce.
So, I've fallen asleep on the bus, because you know, I've been three days smoking hashish in Kathmandu.
And I woke up, and there was Harry standing over me, like some big, blonde, handsome warrior guy.
I was worried her bag'd get stolen.
She left it on the seat, so There was nothing in it to steal.
What, your passport? Is that is that something? Anyway okay.
So, well, Harry had been guarding me, and we started chatting, and I realised that I had not been paying attention - when I was booking my ticket.
- Ooh! And what had happened was that I had accidentally booked a 35-hour trip to Delhi.
(LAUGHS) That was the beginning of India.
Um three months.
Uh - Two months.
- Whatever.
Until we got to Calcutta.
And when we got there, was Please don't.
Yeah, nah.
We don't need to go into that.
Mr Shittypants used to think it was funny.
Anyway, we lost ourselves in paradise, and two months turned into 10 years together.
(THINKS) Kill me now.
Sounds amazing.
So, um how did you guys get together? It was a public relations scandal at work.
It was pretty spicy.
(THINKS) Really? Spicy? We didn't really like each other at first.
- I did.
- Well, we pretended that we didn't.
Deep down we did.
That's cute.
(THINKS) Why did I think this was a good idea? I think it might be bedtime for Zoe.
- Let's go.
- Goodnight, Zo-zo.
Hey! I'll see you in the morning for some porridge, huh? - Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
- Goodnight, Harry.
- Sleep well.
- Come on.
- Here we go.
- This is too much.
- What? - What? - What? What? You're all hippie families, and bath time and porridge in the morning now? I mean, you're hilarious, Harry, but I get it.
You can stop now.
It actually has nothing to do with you.
But it so does.
(BUZZ!) Steady heart, steady hand.
Yes! Wishbone.
And then, of course, after being demoted, I felt unsure of what the future held for me.
So, I decided to go into financial services.
Financial services.
I've told you this bit already? No, no, it's fine.
I mean, yes, you have, but, you know, this is the whole getting-to-know-you part.
I feel like I'm getting a pretty good idea.
Have madame and sir decided? I really feel like seafood tonight.
What is that face? Her signals are all mixed up.
- Was that a help face? - Or is she constipated? I'll have the barramundi.
Thank you.
WAITER: Certainly.
Would you like to try the oyster entrees? I've got a small share in the farm where these are from.
I was surprised to see them on the menu.
That's really interesting.
She's picking up the menu again.
- What? - What? So, is that a dozen oysters to share, or? Let's get a dozen each.
That's lovely.
Do you know what? I'm actually going to go with your vegetarian option.
The pumpkin gnocchi.
I think I I think I made up my mind too quickly.
Simon, tell me about the oyster farm.
That must be a whole other world.
It's actually just a financial investment.
I've never been there.
I don't really like to know where my food comes from.
Wait! Sorry.
I just I need more time.
Um What? (BURPS) Sorry, did did you just? Yeah.
Pardon me.
Have madame and sir decided? Um we've hardly looked.
Sorry.
Actually, I'll have what that lady over there just ordered.
Her? She hasn't decided either.
Ah, well, whatever she has, you can put me down for one of those.
She just looks like someone who makes great decisions.
(THINKS) Hard work.
This is hard work.
Just start talking.
I'm an obstetrician.
And at work right now - Harry said you're a midwife.
- No, I didn't.
Jeez, George, you always hear what you want to hear.
Babies, all right? I get it.
I'm filling in for a colleague at work at the moment.
Can't imagine going to work in the same building every day.
Doesn't that shit you? (THINKS) You shit me.
I love it.
You never know what each day is going to bring.
It's very wewarding.
Looks great.
- It does.
- Enjoy.
Thank you.
I don't usually like to order the veal, you know, that whole baby cow thing.
- Mm-hm.
- But I've got a pumpkin allergy, so Excuse me, diners.
I trust everything is up to standard this evening.
The service has been great.
And are your meals to your satisfaction? Delicious.
I will pass on your remarks to the chef.
I see you have chosen the vegetarian gnocchi.
One of our specialties.
Yeah, but I-I would also like to try your veal, if that's okay, Simon.
Yeah, of course.
She ordered the vegetarian, but she's eating his meat.
Flesh and bone, leave me alone? - But the jacket was go home.
- (BILLIE SNEEZES) - Oh, bless you.
- Sorry.
- And what was that? - Sauerkraut! - Sauerkraut? - Sauerkraut? (LAUGHS) We are really messing this up.
Can I ask you something? Are they your friends over there? Worse.
That's actually my brother.
I asked them to be here in case I needed to make a quick exit.
Ah.
See over there? That whole table is my cheer squad.
You can't see it from here, but they're all wearing shirts with my name on them.
Sorry.
It seems silly now, but I just I didn't know how tonight was going to go.
Do you want a quick exit? No.
Um There's something I need to talk to you about.
Recently I separated from my husband, Mick.
And tonight is meant to be about me getting over him, in a physical sense, by building a wall between us.
And you were to be the first brick, if you wanted to be the brick.
What are you talking about? If you would like to be the first person to get naked with me, and in so doing, fast-track the monumental grief I am experiencing regarding my husband, who I adore and will never get over, then there is a position vacant for a limited time only.
It is a one-night, sex-only arrangement.
I will not call you, contact you afterwards, or put your number in my phone.
Are you in? - Oh, my God, they're leaving.
- Stay there.
(THINKS) Look what you've done.
You've gone and created the most romantic date in the world.
- Psst.
Take this.
- No, I don't want to.
Yes, you do.
Everybody wants the final rose.
I want Harry to give it to me.
What if we did the whole ceremony thing? And if he chooses Georgie, I can just run off with it.
Okay, deal.
My life's hard without you, Harry.
That's what I realised when I was away.
Like the little things are really difficult when you're not around.
And the big things I just couldn't.
I had to come home.
I needed to know where you were at.
My roads have always led me back to you, and now I'm here and I can't find you.
You know? You're gone.
And you invite me to this courtyard, which really isn't you.
What sort of courtyard am I? And you've got this girlfriend who's like maybe she's nice, but I can't take any more of her trying to be friends.
Because we're not friends, Harry.
We've never been friends.
I don't want to be your friend.
Well, maybe that was our problem.
Well, it's a smashed mess.
(LAUGHS) The chocolate balls, I meant.
The they broke.
Harry hasn't told you much about us, has he? (GROANS) No one wants to know too much, do they? Well, you do.
I mean, that's why you invited me here, isn't it? Sort of figure out what kind of threat I am.
No, no.
Not at all, actually.
Oh, it's fine, because maybe I wanted to know what kind of threat you were too.
Well, now you know.
(LAUGHS) Maybe we just I don't know, maybe we just head in.
- Sorry, Georgie, I really d - He's hiding things from you.
I'm not hiding anything.
Should we have some dessert? Why don't I believe that, Harry? Neens, when we were together I asked Georgie to marry me.
(THINKS) Pretend you knew.
- Oh, that.
Fine.
Great.
- Yeah.
- Twice.
- Yeah, and you said no.
The first time, yeah.
The second time you asked me, I said yes and we were engaged.
For two days, and then you broke it off.
I've still got the ring.
Yeah, and you never wore it.
Then you left.
And now I'm back.
You and me were 10 years, Harry.
What are you two? Zero.
Don't go, Neens.
Jesus.
George, I couldn't wait forever.
10 years was my limit.
Yes, when you left me the first, second, third time, the fourth time, it hurt.
But the fifth time, the sixth time, I started to feel relieved.
It became so predictable.
Pleading with me that you just needed a little bit more time.
I had to let you go, I had to take you back.
I had to let you go.
And then I met Nina.
And guess what? It's better.
I don't want to go a day without seeing her, and so far, she seems to want me around, too.
So let me be very clear.
My mind is made up.
I'm walking through life with Nina now, and it feels easy, and it feels right.
I want you to be happy, George.
But not with me.
Where's the bathroom? - Yeah, it's just through there.
- Thanks.
You okay? You shouldn't have had to see that.
Well, you did warn me.
I should have listened.
I'm going to go now.
Thanks for dinner, Nina.
You're a really amazing cook.
I'll walk you out.
At this point, I feel obliged to tell you that I'm really good at this.
Righto.
You're about to embark on a night that I promise you you'll never forget, but one that I fully intend to.
I'm talking, "See you at the supermarket "and keep perusing the yoghurt "with an unparalleled level of interest"-type avoidance.
I get it.
Leave your inhibitions at the door.
Well, I live here.
Okay, I'm actually really nervous.
I'm going to start taking my clothes off now.
The best thing would be if you would match me.
- The shoes can be quite tricky.
- Um Yeah.
Bedroom's up the stairs and feel free to peruse my wall of sex medals on your way up.
Actually, the only metal I have is a netball medal.
- What position? - Wing attack.
Wing defence.
(MOBILE RINGS) Nina? You still awake? I was hoping you'd call.
I've been a bad friend.
I have been so caught up in hassling you about Martin, I haven't asked you how you are.
You must be missing him.
Yeah, I am.
(BOTH SPEAK INDISTINCTLY) JIMMY: So How Of the crowd We are so going to get kicked out.
Mm.
- We need to chill out, man.
- Agreed.
Beer chaser? That is the smartest thing you've said all night.
Apart from Sauerkraut.
(LAUGHS) All right, we're going, we're going.
If you're horny, let's do it Ride it, my pony My saddle's waiting Come and jump on it Sitting here flossing Peeping your steelo Just once if I have the chance 3 The things I would do to you You and your body Every single portion Oh Okay.
The last time Billie saw us, we were at the restaurant, yeah? As far as anyone needs to know, we just went home! If we never tell anyone, it never happened.
I think you're underestimating my sisters.
The only people who know about this on the planet are us.
And if we keep it that way Okay.
It ends here.
It ends here.
It was perfect.
My exit was to form.
Exquisite.
You couldn't tell I'd been there.
I smoothed out the sheet and removed my fingerprints, like some kind of untraceable sex bandit.
You might want to work on the phrasing of that.
Yes, I shouldn't have fallen asleep at his house.
Room to improve.
But it didn't matter one bit, because when I left, he was sound asleep.
No trace of Billie.
Well done.
And tick for laying your first brick.
There's one problem.
Itchy? I left my phone on his charger.
(LAUGHS) What? I'm sorry.
It's just that you went to so much trouble to erase yourself.
That's so unlucky.
Please don't ask me to go and get it.
The deal was we would never see each other again.
I can't go back there, Neens.
That cock has sailed.
HARRY: I'll get it.
(WHISPERS) I know! (ALFIE AND PADDY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Oh VOICE-MAIL: You have one new message.
ZARA: Hey.
It's me.
I know things have been so shitty between us lately so I wanted to say one thing without any excuses.
I'm sorry, Jimmy.
I'm really I'm really, really sorry for what I've done to us.
A rock.
An old tree.
PHIL: (ON PHONE) You're getting warmer.
- Between a rock - Yes.
- And an old tree.
- Yes, warmer.
(LAUGHS) - Is the place you'll find me.
- (LAUGHS) - An infringement notice.
- Mm-hm.
Well, if you think I'm paying this, you've got a lot of waiting to do.
No, no, it's paid.
Oh.
- Well.
- (CHUCKLES) What now? A garden bed should not be red.
No hungry heart should go unfed.
Your missing bench is someplace new.
A fitting spot to sit for two.
So.
You've cemented Darcy in, have you? Well, if that isn't reverse psychology, I don't know what is.
- Your official approval.
- I don't need your Thank you.
(LAUGHS) A dinner invitation? Ha! Humour me.
Well, if I can afford the wine, I'm not coming.
I know it was one of these.
Then use your feelings.
Close your eyes and point.
We're gonna be using the Force now? 40% sure it's that one.
40% ain't bad.
How will I know it's him? Um if it's him, I won't honk the horn.
Sure.
Okay.
I think I love Harry.
I'm sorry about last night.
We are complete opposites.
You both said it.
She's spontaneous, always surprising you.
Hey, monkey.
(LAUGHS) I don't do anything on a whim, Harry.
I am so measured.
Measured is great.
Come on, sweetie.
Gonna have a play? There you go.
You asked her to marry you.
Yeah, twice.
That's no small thing.
No.
It's not, and I'll forever be relieved that she said no.
Twice.
Yeah.
Twice hurts.
For the longest time, I thought she was what I wanted.
But when she flew out to Mumbai that last time, I got back from the airport, and I laid on our bed, and I wished that she were different.
And then I thought, "Well, she could be different if she was someone else.
" And really, I was wishing for you.
And you appeared in my life.
And just like that, I could see a future again.
- I'm sorry that - I'm in love with you.
Move in.
Is this you being spontaneous? Oh, I have thought about it before now, so that makes me spontaneous and measured.
I don't like it when you go home.
The thing is I don't like going home either.
And I'm in love with you too.
Hold our skin We're the colours that we've always been I'm in love with you.
Move in.
- Oh! Is that all you're bringin? - Yep.
- Oh thatâs bad.
- It is when it's something big.
To prove he's serious.
- Are you feeling insecure.
- I wasnât.
I feel that you might be having doubts.
Why do you feel that? Most people move in with, I don't know more than two bags.
Either you're here or your not here? If this is the relationship you want, then I'm not interested.
Oh, why, oh, why Oh, why won't you sing?