Parks and Recreation s07e04 Episode Script

No.
No.
No.
Sorry, Ron.
Doors are locked.
We've taken your keycards and your phones and the automatic timer won't go off until tomorrow at 8:00 a.
m.
You're trapped in there.
We told security not to disturb you under any circumstances.
And the phones and Internet? Oh, they've been disconnected.
And I left a rusty hacksaw on the table.
So, the first person who hacks their face off gets released.
That's not What? Is that true? Guys, this is insane, okay? Let us out.
Oh, my God, babe, Game of Thrones is on tonight! It's the series finale.
Khaleesi is marrying Jack Sparrow.
Oh, God, that show has really gone off the rails.
Look, it makes sense if you've read the books.
Look, our baby monitor is on the table.
If you guys can talk this out and settle your differences like grown-ups, turn it on and I will come to get you from my office.
Otherwise, we will see you at 8:00 a.
m.
Tomorrow morning.
I am going to break out of here.
Then, I am going to snap you in half.
Hey! This is not his fault, Swanson.
Be a man and get your house in order.
You, too, Knope.
Good luck, you guys.
I really hope you can work out your differences.
Terry.
Look at me.
Is this what you want to do? Think very carefully, son.
There you go.
That's right, buddy.
Come on.
For once in your life, do something right.
Stop it, Terry! Both of you.
Come on.
Damn it, Terry! Okay.
Think.
There must be a way out of here.
I don't think there is.
They installed these magnetic locks two years ago.
There's no way around them.
Yes, there is.
I'll simply punch my fist through a window.
Ron, there's security wire in there.
You'll slice your arm open.
I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for 10 hours.
There is another way.
We'll just wait a few minutes, turn on this monitor, and then we'll tell Ben that we talked it out and made up.
I'll just tell them that I apologized for, whatever, heroically caring too much.
And you admitted that you were a stubborn butthead, and everything's fine now.
Why do I have to be stubborn? Why can't the problem have been that I was reasonable and you were at fault? Because we want them to believe us and not laugh really hard at a ridiculous science-fiction scenario.
We are not saying I was the problem.
If we're going to lie to them, I will not let you lie to them.
Fine, I'll tell them that, for the past three years, you've been a perfect gentleman and scholar, and I am an insane weirdo who, despite being the only reason we even had a friendship to begin with, decided to ruin it, out of the blue, for no good reason.
That sounds good.
Let's go with that.
Hut! What are you doing? I destroyed the monitor! What if we have an emergency and have to get out of here? I did not consider that possibility! Everything's different.
I mean, the furniture, the pictures Craig changed everything.
Did he? I tried not to notice anything when I worked here.
Or talk to anyone, or learn anyone's name.
You of all people should know that, Lauren.
Look, we are going to be here for 10 hours.
We can either talk about our issues and work through our problems, or we can just sit here doing nothing.
I choose "sit here.
" Come on, Ron, why don't we just Sit here.
Ron.
Sit here.
I bet I can make you talk.
I'll take that bet at any odds, for any amount of money, over any length of time stretching from now into infinity.
Talk to me.
Talk to me.
Talk to me.
Talk to me.
Talk to me.
Talk to me.
Talk.
Talk.
Talk.
Talk to me! Drip.
Drip.
One word, and this is over.
I think wood is stupid, and so does everybody else.
You guys, Ron loves plastic.
Last chance, Ron.
You want to talk? Huh? Ah-hah! Jackpot.
You know what this is, Ron? This is a mix I made for the summer Parks barbecue, 2007.
I asked everyone in the Parks Department to choose one song.
You chose Buddy by Willie Nelson.
A fact I remember because my mind is a steel trap of friendship nuggets.
But I am not going to play your choice.
I'm gonna play Jerry's choice.
Ooh! That's right.
And I'm gonna sing along.
And I'm gonna maintain eye contact the whole time.
And guess what? I don't know the words.
Harry Truman was a guy America, Red China All the countries, other people Everyone is fun Joe Mantegna, lan McKellen I have to buy a new toaster This is awesome You're so stupid Jumping up and down Whoo! I got it on repeat.
Come on, Ron.
Do you want to hear it again, or do you want to talk? No? Okay, next verse.
Freddy Krueger bought some pants Oprah has a turtle farm Peter Piper pee-pee poopy Daddy ate a squirrel Stop this! I will speak with you for three minutes.
Great.
So, what would you like to talk about? Oh, come on, Ron.
We were friends for 10 years.
We were work proximity associates.
We were friends.
And now we're not.
And once again, it is up to me to save our friendship.
And I will do so using the most powerful tool known to man.
A well-organized chart.
Three years ago, I accept a job at National Parks.
You and I see each other less, admittedly, due to my busy schedule and your utter lack of interest in maintaining adult friendships.
Work proximity associate-ships.
Three months later, April comes to work for me.
We throw her a party.
At her request, the party's theme is "Zombie Teenage Biker Gang Pizza Jamboree.
" I remember.
You made me wear a leather jacket.
That is the last time you and I see each other for more than five minutes.
Three months later, you come and visit me at my office on the third floor for the very first time.
One week later, I return from a trip, and I find out you have quit the Parks Department and you have started your own building company without even bothering to tell me.
"Oh, well," I think to myself, "You know, it was only a matter of time.
" And then, two months after that, Morningstar, the final twist of the knife.
Oh, for God's sake.
I hear about Morningstar, and I calmly saunter down to your office and attempt to have a rational discussion with you about it.
What the hell, Ron? You're building your stupid building on the block next to Pawnee Commons? The park that I built from scratch out of a pit? This building is gonna ruin the views, you jerk.
And you're gonna tear all the houses down? Yes.
Ann lived there, Ron.
That's Ann's old house.
That's my best friend's old house.
That was the house where I put on my wedding dress the night I got married.
That is the house where April and Andy met for the first time.
That is the house where Ann gave me my first ever smoky-eye look.
She hasn't lived there for five years.
That's not the point.
This building is a monstrosity.
And what's it called? "Morningstar?" "Oh, dear.
"We live at the Morningstar.
"That's so posh and hibbley-fibbley-gibbley.
" The world needs apartment buildings.
The park you built is nice and people want to live next to it.
That's not the point.
You knew that I would be furious, and you didn't have the guts to tell me yourself.
Enjoy your new job, Judas.
You tear down Ann's house.
You spend the next two years cutting down trees and fighting zoning laws that I helped pass, basically spitting on everything we did together at Parks.
That's not the whole story.
What does that mean? It means what it means.
That is not the whole story of why I left.
Sorry, your time is up.
Wait.
Why then? What was the reason? Ron, come on.
Oh, my God, you made a key? Ron, please, don't Come on, Ron.
Ron, just talk to me.
Ron, come on! See you tomorrow morning.
Okay.
Progress.
Is it that I sent you a birthday card through the US mail so the post office knew your address? No.
Go away.
Oh, is it because I had Food and Stuff temporarily shut down due to a health code violation? That was you? They had fresh produce out right next to the roach spray.
The name of the store is Food and Stuff.
They sell food, and they sell stuff.
If you don't like it, go to that new place, Complete Food.
It's called Whole Foods.
And is that really the reason? No.
How many more questions are you going to ask me? As many as I need to to solve this mystery and get us engaged in a deep and stimulating conversation about our friendship.
Ron, what are you doing? I know I saw it.
Ah-hah! Detonator.
The partially defused Claymore mine you gave me 10 years ago.
I'm gonna use it to blow a hole in this damn door so I can get out of here.
Ron, just wait a second.
No.
I'm being held as a prisoner against my will, and I have the right, as a citizen of the United States, to blow a hole in that door and walk out as a free man.
It's in the Constitution.
There's no cursing in the Constitution.
Look, before you do that Too late.
Here we go.
Fire in the hole! Woo-hoo! I gave you that as a gift on your fifth anniversary as Parks director.
You told me this was a genuine partially defused Claymore mine.
Well, it was.
I bought the empty shell off of eBay, and then I filled it with, you know, balloons and confetti and such.
You mean to tell me I have had a toy on my desk for 10 years? You mean to tell me you've thought you had an actual land mine on your desk? Congratulations, Ron.
You've been doing an explosive job! Come on, Ron.
It's funny stuff.
Who gets angry at balloons? Good talk.
What's all this? I'm just reading back through some of our old projects, trying to figure out what happened that made you quit.
Good God, woman.
This is a code.
I am going to break it.
And this is my best shot.
- Is that nuclear waste? - No.
This is my job application from when you hired me.
How did you get that? Freedom of Information Act request.
But here's the thing.
I've never read it.
This application contains your very first impressions of me.
It's the Rosetta Stone, Ron.
The beginning of the whole shebang.
This is all you wrote? Three lousy lines? Why would anyone need more than three lines? I'm describing a person, not something complicated like a wooden sailing ship or proper dovetail technique.
I forgot what I wrote.
Can I hear it? Why don't you read it yourself? "Leslie Knope is an absurd idealist "whose political leanings are slightly to the left of Leon Trotsky.
" So far, so accurate.
"If we were to work together, she would undoubtedly drive me insane, "and it is possible that we would murder each other.
" You forgot the last sentence.
No, I didn't.
I remember that part.
It says, "Hire her.
" Did you hear that? It's a person.
It's another person! Hello! Hello! Janitor! Hey! Hey, we're trapped in here! Hey! Please, Mr.
Janitor.
If you just look over here for two seconds, I'll do anything.
Hey! I'll watch a foreign film.
I'll talk to a man with a ponytail.
Oh! He's gone, Ron.
He's gone.
Why did you give me the job? And that's what I don't get.
We should've never worked together.
Why did you hire me? Because of your interview.
Okay, that doesn't make any sense.
I mean, I remember that interview.
You were wearing that exact outfit.
And you said to me, "Ms.
Knope, I have one question for you.
"What do you believe the role of government is in America?" You blathered on for 10 minutes about social safety nets and honest governance and improving lives.
Basic nonsense.
Then you said, "Everything that just came out of your mouth "is basic nonsense.
"Good day.
" And that was it.
No, that was not it.
After I said you were full of it, you got very angry and scrunched up your face and said, "Excuse me, sir, but I disagree.
" Did you let me have it? That was one of your top-10 tirades, I'd say.
You were pounding your fist and shaking.
You called me a heartless thug.
I most certainly did not.
You were tough and honest, and you stood up for what you believed in, even though it might've killed your chance to get the job.
I would rather work with a person like that than with a milquetoast yes-man.
Should be one more thing in that file.
Oh, it's the thank-you note I wrote to you after the interview.
You kept it.
"Dear Mr.
Swanson, I'm sorry for raising my voice in the interview, "and I'm sorry I called you a heartless thug.
" Oh, well, okay.
There you go.
"If it matters, I promise I would never "raise my voice at you if we worked together.
" Liar.
Yeah, I was being really optimistic.
"Please enjoy these homemade brownies "as a gesture of goodwill.
Leslie Knope.
" That was the real reason I hired you.
Those brownies were damn good.
Ron, look how far we've come.
We're doing so great.
Let's just bring it home, okay? Let's just talk about our issues.
Leslie, don't push it.
Okay, fine.
If I guess and guess right, you have to tell me.
Ready? Two years ago, you found out you were a quarter French and you had a nervous breakdown.
Okay, playtime is over.
I'm getting out of here once and for all.
No, Ron! God, no! That alarm is just for sprinklers.
April kept pulling it.
So the fire department disconnected it.
I see.
Ron? I found some towels.
You okay? Wow.
Apparently, Craig is studying yoga.
These are the only dry clothes I could find.
Well, you look great.
I feel extremely angry.
Oh, come on.
Stop whining, you big baby.
I've seen you with your eyebrows blown off.
I've seen you without a mustache.
I've seen it all.
There's nowhere to run, Ron.
You have tried every possible means of escape.
There's nothing to do but talk.
What happened to these workplace proximity associates? Hmm? Spill it.
You left.
Then a month later, you took Terry with you.
Yeah, well, we needed a mindless factotum, and he's the best there is.
Amen.
Then you took April.
I didn't want her to go, as she had become one of my closest workplace acquaintances.
But your offer was too good to pass up.
So I didn't try to stop her.
Then Tom left to run his business.
Donna left to run hers.
One day, I looked up.
Just didn't recognize anyone.
So I made a decision.
An unthinkable decision.
Hey.
Well, my, my, my.
Do my eyes deceive me? Is that Ron Swanson? Hello, Leslie.
Hello, April.
Larry.
Uh, It's Terry now.
Okay.
As luck would have it One second.
Did you talk to Randy about the vote? Tell the Northeast that we need to put pressure on them, or else we're gonna be waiting forever, and I'm tired of waiting on them, okay? Okay.
Sorry, this is a crazy day.
So what's up with you, you big lug? Nothing important.
Just thought you might want to have lunch.
Tomorrow? I would love to.
It's been too long.
JJ's Diner, 12:30? Excellent.
See you then.
Okay.
So Randy says the House is voting tomorrow, and they need us in Washington to prep.
Oh, my God, really? Yeah.
Okay, get us the first flight out of here and grab the Missouri files.
Meet me at my car.
Hey, babe.
I got to go to Washington.
Can you pick up the kids? Oh Oh, no.
Ron, I stood you up for lunch.
You did, yes.
I waited for a while, but it was pretty easy to figure out what had happened.
Your life seemed pretty hectic.
Is that the rest of the story? That I stood you up? You were going to ask me something.
That's why you wanted to have lunch.
Ron, you were going I was gonna ask you for a job.
In the federal government.
Just saying it out loud feels dirty.
You missed your friends, and you wanted to come up to the third floor and work with us again.
I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for you.
God, why didn't I see that? Ron, I am so sorry.
I should've been a better friend to you.
Honestly, Leslie, it's fine.
It was a punctuation mark on a sentence that had already been written.
My time in government work was over.
Sure, I loved shutting things down and bleeding the rotting beast from the inside.
Your metaphors are so beautiful.
But it was time for me to leave, and I didn't feel like explaining why to you or anyone.
Everything that happened after, the fight we had, not giving you a heads-up when my company took on the Morningstar development and bulldozed the nurse's old house, I do regret that.
I had a good run here.
But after you and Tom and Donna and April and Terry left, when I looked around this office, nothing was the same.
Yeah, well, there's a way to fix that.
England's got a new queen Everybody's really mean We didn't start the fire It was always burning Since the world's been turning Well, this is different from what I expected to find.
Morning, guys.
Good morning, Leslie.
What did you do to the office? Ron, you're wearing my yoga clothes.
You're gonna stretch out the elastic.
We're sorry.
Fire and money and people Hey.
I moved our meetings to tomorrow because you are drunk and hungover simultaneously at Yeah, good call.
Also, you have a visitor.
No, whoever it is, I have zero interest in Hello.
Ron! Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron.
We just spent 12 hours together, woman.
Don't care.
I have three years' worth of hugs to force upon you against your will.
I have a small object for you.
Call it an official peace offering, I suppose.
Wow, this is very sweet.
But you do realize I gave you this picture six hours ago.
The frame is the gift.
When my company took on the Morningstar development, and I realized it meant bulldozing Ann's old house, I salvaged her front door.
Then I stripped off all the terrible paint and lacquer People really don't know how to finish wood properly.
And I made it into this frame for you in the event that you and I ever Ron.
You big, fat, giant sap.
That seems unnecessary.
I love it.
But I feel bad.
I don't have anything for you.
For the first time in my life, I am present-less.
How about you buy me a meal? You hungry? I'm starving.
April, Ron and I are going to JJ's to eat too much breakfast food.
Why does anybody in the world ever eat anything but breakfast food? People are idiots, Ron.