Portlandia (2011) s07e04 Episode Script

1 Hi, I'm Mark Lukey.
I'm a music attorney.
I'm Darby, Mark's paralegal.
How did I get into the industry? Well, I picked up a guitar and tried to join a band.
As soon as I walked into the rehearsal room, it was very clear that I was not meant to be a musician, and I turned right around and studied law.
You having a hard time getting shows, recording, selling records? If you came up with a melody or a beat or a lyric, you can sue anyone.
I could just sue all my favorite musicians.
Come in and you go, "Hey, man, I recorded this little tune" bah, bah, bah " I go shut up.
"Bah, bah, bah," is that what you said? Mm-hmm.
"Bah, bah, bah.
" Go online.
Find a song.
That's weird.
Am I crazy? [electronic tones.]
I don't even have to hear your melody for me to know that someone else stole it.
They think you're stupid.
I'm here to say that you might be stupid And I can represent you, the dum-dum.
I'm like the lead singer, and in court, that's my stage.
I think Mark should win a Grammy Oh, come on.
Listen to these clients.
Turns out he owns the key of G, which has made life very difficult for me as a song writer.
I'm - uh - to the sweetest I've been wearing this hat since 1972, and I was once in Ohio at the same time as Devo.
So you do the math.
He's just one step ahead of you at every turn.
It's hard coming up with songs.
Intro, verse, chorus, ending.
It is a real difficult thing to do, and you deserve to get paid.
Unless, of course, you don't like money.
[cash register dings.]
[Washed Out's "Feel It All Around" playing.]
[dreamy chillwave music.]
[soft dramatic music.]
[phone ringing.]
[sighs.]
Ugh, so early.
- Hello? - Toni, what's up? - What're you doing? - Yeah, hey, Candace.
- Are you-- are you okay? - Ugh, no, I am terrible.
- I'm not doing okay.
- Wh-- why are you terrible? Well, I haven't seen you in so long.
- When am I gonna see you again? - Candace, - we just retired last week.
- Last week? It feels like a million years ago.
What're you up to? What're you doing? - Uh - Mm.
I-I started dating someone.
I-- Really? You're seeing somebody? Yeah, her name's Shawna.
I think you'd really like her.
Wow, you move fast.
You're a slut.
- Um - Your cute little fingers.
- Candace, I gotta-- - Do you have, like, a child there? What's happening? - Are you babysitting? - No, it-- That's-- that's Shawna.
- Oh, that's Shawna.
- Yeah, it's-- Enjoy that retirement, okay? Well, let's enjoy it together.
- Let's go do something.
- Bye, bye, bye.
Toni.
Toni.
- [phone beeps.]
- Toni.
[groans.]
[sighs.]
Welcome to Women and Women First.
May I help you? - [phone line ringing.]
- Hi, Candace.
- Toni.
- Hi.
Um, listen.
I found an old jar of yours.
- Uh-huh.
- Do you want me to - bring it over? - Uh, no, Candace.
I don't-- I don't need that jar, - but thank you.
- It's really clean.
- Um - Don't you think it's weird how we don't even see each other? Why don't you go out on a nice walk today? - Where should I walk? - Talk to you later.
You have a good day.
[cell phone clicks.]
- I'm so sorry.
- That's okay.
Toni, you're home? - What're you-- Candace.
- I was just going on a walk.
That's Candace? Um, I've got something to tell you.
- Okay.
- I'm dying.
[gasps.]
She's-- - Shawna, she's not-- - Oh, my God.
I'm used to this.
She does-- Candace, - this is Shawna, and it-- - Cand-- Hi! Is that how you wanna first meet my girlfriend? It feels like I'm dying because I'm exhausted.
Get up here.
It's nice to meet you.
It's really nice to meet you finally.
Welcome.
Welcome to Toni's life.
- [sighs.]
- Toni is complex and wonderful - and beautiful.
- Oh, I know.
We have a lot of inside jokes.
Meek meek.
- [laughs softly.]
- Meek meek, Toni.
Meek meek.
That's what we call rice.
So what do you feel like doing? We-- we have plans today.
What do you-- What're your plans? - Just relaxing and just-- - Oh, I love it.
- Let's just relax.
- You know, Candace, I just think you-- you need something to do.
- You need a hobby or-- - I do.
Can I-- can I jump in? I'm so sorry to interrupt.
- Mm-hmm.
- What if we set Candace up - with someone? - [gasps.]
I can get people all on my own.
- I don't need to be set up.
- I know, - but my brother is single - [gasps.]
My brother, Adam, and I could set you guys up.
- You have a brother? - Yeah, I just said that, yeah.
So I if I started hanging out with him That's great, and then you guys can go off - and-- - Toni, this is perfect.
I mean, we could spend time together.
We can go on double dates.
We can-- Yeah, you'll wanna get to know Adam.
- He's a tough nut to crack.
- Oh, I can crack any nut.
Believe me.
Once I crack that nut, I smash it.
I turn it into nut butter.
Do you know what I mean? I do.
I'm strangely falling for him.
You don't even-- you don't even know him.
How funny that we're attracted to them and that there's them and us.
Finally-- - No, it's you-- - You and maybe Adam.
Adam and I are in love.
- Adam, get on top of me.
- Whoa.
[laughs awkwardly.]
That's my brother.
Adam, are you trying to kiss me? You're skipping ahead a little bit because you might not even like him.
No, but I'm not skipping ahead.
- No, but you might-- - I think I should know Adam as a sexual being because even though he's your brother - I don't-- That's not-- He's-- - he's a sexual person.
- [shudders.]
- He humps like anybody else.
[rock music.]
what about men? - I saw that, dude.
- Funny name.
- Hey, man.
- Hey, guys, how's it going? Good.
I'm gonna have a coffee as black as possible, please.
- Uh, Americano.
- Can I get a coffee, black, - and Americano? - Want something to eat? Uh [chuckles.]
Uh, problem with, uh, gingerbread men? What're you talking about? - "Gender-neutral.
" - Oh, for crying out loud.
We just thought a cookie doesn't need a gender.
It's sexism against men.
- Come on.
- Right? - This is a castration.
- I-I think of gin-- The "man" in "gingerbread man" as more like mankind.
That-- that's why there were gingerbread houses - 'cause men build houses.
- I don't-- I don't think that-- See, in this place, there is no cookie for a little boy to look up to.
Okay? There-- there are baked goods for little girls to look up to, but not boys.
I'll buy that.
- Don't worry about it.
- Everything male now is, like, bad.
"Ooh, scary.
It's male.
" It's like, "No.
Gingerbread men.
It's okay to have traditions in this country.
" Just give us the cookie.
Right? Just give us a cookie.
Did you-- did you want the gingerbread cookie or not? Gingerbread men.
Get your gingerbread men here.
- Freshly baked.
- Gingerbread men.
Male genitalia.
[soft dramatic music.]
- [screams.]
- Ow.
Ugh, look at me.
That sucked.
I'm so sorry you had to experience that.
Unnecessarily hurtful.
At least she didn't do that "I'm gonna throw up" thing.
You know, that sound? [mimics gagging.]
Don't pretend to throw up.
Either do it or don't.
It's so performative, throwing up.
We're not that disgusting.
Wait.
Look over there.
- Oh, my God.
- Squirrels.
- Must be nice.
- I don't get it.
Our faces are the same.
Our bodies are the same.
Why do they get preferential treatment? Their tails are stunning.
Their tails take my breath away.
Yeah, but it's an unreasonable standard of beauty.
Look at my tail.
It's just-- you know, it's smooth.
Uh it glistens.
I think it looks great under moonlight.
People have told me that.
But do people really look at the tail? It's, like, on that back part of our body.
What's the difference? Our faces are the same.
One thing I gotta say, Fred.
You're doing a lot, the last few years or so, of, like, comparing yourself to other animals.
It's a bit of an obsession with you.
Yeah, I-- It's an obsession for me to make our lives better.
But is it constructive? You know what someone threw at me the other day? A dead rat in a rat trap.
I was thrown at a rat once.
I was alive, and I was thrown by a person at a rat.
We gotta do something about this, don't you think? So, I-- Tell me what I'm doing wrong.
Well, first of all, pick one food.
Don't just eat anything.
You know, it seems desperate.
- But I am desperate.
- You know what it is? It's about managing your inner monologue.
My inner monologue is like, "Chip, chip, chip.
Go, go, go-- Oh, peanut.
Jump.
" I try to keep it upbeat.
See, my inner monologue, and I think this goes for all rats, is just the F word on repeat.
Oh, that's a lot of self-loathing.
Well, yeah, I mean, you know, look at this tail.
How did you do yours? That's incredible.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So your upright and then your tail is up.
Everything is just-- you're mostly in the air.
Everything's up.
Everything's perky.
Everything's hello.
You're down.
- You're sneaking around.
- Right.
People look at you and they think, "What is he up to?" But that's not what I'm feeling.
I know.
I know it's not fair.
I-- That-- that's how I fit through things.
- I know you do.
- That's how I get underneath, - you know, in-- into tunnels.
- I know.
- That's how I get into garbage.
- We have to do something - about that tail.
- Okay, whatever it takes.
- Can I borrow yours? - [both chuckle.]
- No, no.
- I know, I know, I know.
No, no, don't touch it.
Guys, check it out.
- Okay, okay.
- Yeah, it's-- it's beautiful.
You look like a, uh what? Like an entrant in a beauty contest.
Wh-- Thank you very much.
I feel beautiful.
Ooh, people are coming.
I'm gonna get them to give me an acorn.
Okay, remember, you're real cute.
There goes that squirrel.
I'm a squirrel.
Up, up, up.
Good attitude, good attitude.
Here I go, and Hi, uh, can I have some food, please? Oh, wow, thank you very much.
[chuckles weakly.]
- It's a little peanut.
- Whoa, look at that.
They're actually giving him food.
- They're charmed by him.
- Wha-- Sir, uh, sorry.
Wh-- what's in your bag? Is that a sandwich? G-- uh, give me.
Give me.
G-g-give me that.
[grunts.]
- Oh, boy.
- Got a little desperate - there at the end.
- You know what? That's just not good for the rat PR.
It did not go well.
Let's build you up with words and thoughts and forget about building the tail back up.
- You know what I'm saying? - You know there's a movement to save sharks? - Oh, Fred.
- Just-- I'm-- I'm-- I'll-- I'll-- I'll get off this in a moment.
They eat people.
That's all.
They-- they eat people.
I'm just gonna s-- We don't eat people, right? Is-- Or do we? No? Dead people.
[upbeat music.]
There she is.
Great.
Thank you.
Hi, Candace.
Where's Adam? We wanted to get here late so that you two would have a chance to get acquainted.
I suppose we kind of are having some time to get acquainted.
- Oh.
- I mean, you wanted to come late and he's un-- - Oh, my God.
- What're you doing? Down, please.
I mean, I'm not finished yet.
- I'm so sorry.
- God, Candace.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
[soft music playing.]
Not yet.
Here we go.
Here it is.
There.
Just [sighs.]
I'm finished.
Thank you.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi, Adam.
- Hey, Adam.
- Shawna.
So let's get to know each other.
Um, you've got hobbies.
I'm sure they're very interesting.
I'm sure you grew up somewhere.
- Well, I'm from Nevada City - Oh, okay.
And I happen to be a costume designer - for the local ballet.
- Oh, so you know how to sew.
- He made my prom dress.
- Oh, that's great.
So, Adam, where is this going? Are we with each other? - You just met.
- I mean, are we-- - What-- what do you wanna do? - I know I'd definitely like to see you again.
Um Beyond that, Can-- it's kind of in your court.
- I-I'm-- I'm open.
- Oh, it's in my court.
- Yeah.
- And I detect a little bit of jealousy.
Oh, Toni, it's all over your face.
What is-- what is this? Who ordered olives? I'll tell you a little story about olives.
Toni and I were traveling, we went to Spain - Really? - San Sebastián - Ooh, beautiful.
- And, on the flight back, I had some canned olives with me, Toni ate them, and within half an hour, took off her headphones, into the bathroom.
Headphones back on, headphones back off, into the bathroom.
I followed her in, I look in the toilet, turns out she had this very interesting case of diarrhea.
It was as black as her hair.
I remember saying, "Where does your hair end - and the diarrhea start?" - Why are we talking about this? This is something that, like, bonds us.
You're telling a really embarrassing story about me in front of my girlfriend.
I'm sure you've seen her diarrhea before.
- Have you not? - She-- she hasn't.
Oh, you have to see it.
[indistinct chatter.]
I have a question I wanted to ask you.
Oh, my Lord.
Would you like to go away with me this weekend to the Swaying Seagull Resort? I would love to.
Toni, why would you go to that? She hates seagulls.
Seagull killed her sister.
I know she doesn't have a sister, and I know that you can't die from a seagull killing you.
You can't die from a seagull? In bird deaths, who do you think's number one? - A bird-- crows.
- Seagulls, not crows.
- Owls.
- They-- owls are lifesavers.
Candace, you're acting totally ridiculous.
- I am not acting ridiculous.
- I'm sorry.
I don't mean to lose my temper.
I just-- Owls can scope out a whole region and know where the re-- arable land is.
- Where people can farm.
- Candace.
Yes, Toni? What? I understand that this is uncomfortable for you.
I'm sorry-- I'm sorry I lost my temper.
I cannot wait to go.
Oh, yeah.
It's gonna be really fun.
You're gonna love this place.
It's kind of junky and gross, but [kissing.]
Do you wanna go back to my place or something? I'd love that.
Adam, you said you know how to sew, right? Yeah, I do.
I'd like to see this sewing kit of yours.
Okay.
[soft dramatic music.]
[soft dark music.]
[slurping.]
[mellow music.]
Hmm, bowl of ground beef and bacon bits and turkey meatballs and-- guess it's all protein, huh? Yeah, which makes it all good for us.
There's no carbohydrates, no rice, no bread.
Might actually work for losing weight.
They say, the-- the more buttermilk dressing the better.
Is that allowed? You-- you-- you can eat all of that? Peter, this is protein.
It's the lettuce that's bad for you.
Nancy, you think we'll really lose weight on this diet? Well, I mean, it depends, you know.
We have to stick with it.
It's easy to get back into old habits.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
- All right, good night, hon.
- [sighs.]
[eerie music.]
[birds chirping.]
[groaning, gurgling.]
Good morning, Nance.
Peter you're so skinny.
You-- you-- you look like-- li-- like a stick.
I-I didn't know that the diet would work that fast.
We did it.
[chuckles.]
- [bones rattle.]
- Ow.
Oh, careful, Peter.
[groans.]
[gasps.]
Is that the sound you make when you breath? - I don't know.
- [bone pops.]
I got you coffee, but the-- the mug got very heavy.
It-- it's too far to reach.
Do-- do you think we still have energy to g-- to go to the zoo today? Enjoy.
Oh Are-- are-- are-- are-- are are the koalas out today? - Uh, yes.
- Two tickets, please.
Oh, just go on through.
Don't worry about paying.
That's ve-- ve-- ve-- ve-- ver-- - ve-- ve-- very kind of you.
- Yes.
- Pu-- push.
- If you have enough weight to make it happen.
- Is it locked? - No, no.
I think I can just squeeze through right here.
- All right.
- Oh, look at-- look at that.
- Problem solved.
- It's unlocked.
- I'm tired.
- Le-- le-- let's find the koalas.
What's a Siberian tiger? - Where is it? - No! My son, he went into the cage! [all gasp.]
- [tiger roars.]
- That's not good.
That tiger can really hurt your son.
- We need help over here! - What's he doing? Wha-- wha-- wha-- how-- wh-- wh-- why did he go in? - [indistinct shouting.]
- Peter, you know what? I can fit through the cage.
[dramatic music.]
Oh, my God.
Are you crazy? It's okay.
I've been on a diet.
Don't scare the tiger.
- Look how skinny I am.
- Na-- Na-- Nan, - You can't do it alone.
- Charlie! There's no belly fat.
- Charlie! - [tiger growls.]
[upbeat music.]
Nance, we're local celebrities.
Th-- th-- the paper called us trim heroes.
Oh, look, the zoo send a thank-you basket.
N-n-n-no way.
Should we eat the cookies? I think a little bit of sugar's okay in a diet.
- Jus-- just a little bit.
- Yeah.
[dramatic music.]
[groaning.]
[soft music.]
Hey, I just took one bite of the cookie - and my-- my belly's back.
- I know.
We-- we gained all the weight back.
You do look better.
Uh, plu--plus I like your cooking.
- Your spaghetti sandwiches - You're my noodle.
You're my-- you're my sauce.
[both laugh.]
- This is so exciting.
- It's gonna be so fun.
[soft dramatic music.]
[seagull calls.]
Come on, slow poke.
All right, here's your key.
Thank you.
Do those guys work here? Oh, yeah, they're new.
It's their first day.
[chuckles.]
I'm so glad we came on this trip.
Me too.
I think you're so perfect.
You're perfect.
This place is perfect.
This weather is perfect.
I mean, everything's kind of perfect, except - Hi, Candace.
- I'm not Candace.
Really? Then, uh, who are you? We don't have human names, okay? What's a non-human name? - Makapa.
- Uh-huh.
Well, I sort of thought this was a romantic getaway, not a bird sanctuary.
- Well, you thought wrong.
- You know, if you're a bird, why don't you fly away? Let's go up to that cloud.
Oh, fuck.
Don't look at my butt.
[sighs.]
- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
[sighs deeply.]
She's in love with you.
I Maybe.
You should talk to her.
Okay, I'll-- I'll be right back, though.
Okay, I'll wait here.
- Bye, Adam.
- Bye, Toni.
[solemn music.]
- Do you wanna talk? - Not really.
Okay, that's a first 'cause, usually, you have a lot to say, and all of a sudden, you're just, "Nope, nothing.
" - Mm-hmm.
- Do you wanna know - why I like Shawna? - Her tight, little butt? No, Shawna listens to me, - and she's kind.
- Great.
Name one thing that inspires love in you.
A-- a person.
- Drawing a blank.
- Well, you know what? You're a coward.
[somber music.]
I've got a really funny joke.
This is a really, really funny one.
This'll make you laugh.
- Toni's face.
- [laughter.]
Candace, on the other hand, she is a sellout.
I won't, but I wanna hit you.
[glass shatters.]
- Candace.
- What? I understand that this is uncomfortable for you.
[laughing inelegantly.]
[sentimental music.]
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
We have so much to look forward to and if you burn this down, we have nothing.
But you know something? We have each other.
[magical shimmering.]
I must have run right past you.
I'm a really slow walker.
I was only 5 feet ahead of you.
Toni I'm sorry that I sound so hateful all the time.
I sound outraged because I feel strongly about things.
You know that.
And I feel strongly about us being together, and if you don't kiss me right now, I'm gonna pull out all my hair, I'm gonna throw it into the water, and the fish are gonna eat it and turn it into a big net and catch a bunch of lobsters and crabs and it's just gonna clog up the whole river.
- Is that what you want? - No, I don't want that.
- Well, then just kiss me.
- Okay, I'll-- I'll kiss you.
- Well, kiss me fast, okay? - I'm gonna kiss you - really fast.
- Get in there.
I'm gonna step so hard in there.
- Right now! Kiss me! - Okay! - I love you! - I love you! [dramatic romantic music.]
Is that how you always imagined it? Not really.
[bird squawks.]
- Wow.
- Wow.
Maybe we should stay friends, huh? Yeah, you are too sensitive for me, Candace.
[light music.]
I think Shawna's great for you.
You should stay with her.
I think Shawna is great for me.
What at, um you and Adam? Who's Adam? They sure have been gone a long time.
[upbeat music.]