Scrubs s07e04 Episode Script

I can't believe we're doing this in a patient's room.
It's about to get hotter.
Yes.
Turk, you are full of surprises.
Isn't he, though? What are you doing here? - He's here to kill you.
- Kill me? Elliot won't let you get away with it.
Sure I will.
Turk's letting me raise lzzy.
I'll finally have a baby.
And I can spend the rest of my life with Turk touring the world's greatest water parks.
Elliot, ready.
Clear! No! - That is a weird dream.
- Yeah, I don't even like water parks.
I mean, I did, until someone thought it'd be funny to go down the slide two seconds after me.
Dude, the lifeguard told me to go.
Really? Did he also tell you to take your trunks off, Turk? Because the last thing a guy wants to see when he's in a splash pool is his best friend's junk headed towards him at 40 miles per hour.
I felt like I got pistol-whipped.
Look, what was weird about this dream was that it was in English.
I always dream in Spanish.
Baby, dreams have nothing to do with reality.
Hey, want to come live with Aunt Elliot? What? You guys know lzzy hates it down in day care.
Ain't that right? Do you wanna come live Elliot wasn't the only one trying to steal babies from the hospital.
Hey, don't steal those babies.
Why do you call these babies? It could be that when I was a kid, I didn't have any toys.
- Sure, sure.
Yeah.
- I used to make my own toys as a matter of fact, and I would take the toilet paper rolls and draw little faces on them and name them.
Surround myself with them, hoping they would protect me.
I went out to the side of the road and tried to sell them one time, make a little money on my own, you know? But no one bought any and when I came back home everyone was gone.
You know how you and I don't talk so much? If you're wondering whether or not it makes me happy or sad, it makes me happy.
You love being edgy, don't you? I do.
Missed a spot.
Sad for you.
First spill of the day.
You just can't seem to get along with anybody, can you? Life is so much easier if you just connect with people.
Watch and learn.
Colonel Doctor, loving those new frames.
Snoop Dogg Attending! Where my hos at? Hey, what are you doing to that thing? It's fluffy.
I want to, like, rub my fingers in.
You see? I connect with them.
Unlike you, I'm a man of the people.
Hey, Teddy.
Looking bald and sweaty! Putting my smile away and on with the day.
Yeah, that looks like a healthy bone.
- Speaking of healthy bones - Perry One sec, ma'am.
I've got one in my pants.
He's all yours.
Why don't we go over this later? Thanks.
What have you been doing all day? Right up until this very moment, I'd been successfully avoiding you.
I came to tell you I'm taking the kids to my mother's for the weekend.
And seeing that you're not allowed within 40 feet of her house - The restraining order.
- Christmas memories.
Anyhoo, you're staying here.
I'm gonna leave you alone to celebrate.
People, I expect full participation.
- Oh, please.
- Come on.
Fine.
I ran down here so I could do it twice.
If they do this at all sporting events, I'm gonna start going.
Check out my little African princess.
Izzy! Baby, when I'm not around, do you only speak Spanish to lzzy? 'Cause you know I don't understand it.
Relax, Turk.
I speak both to her.
Good.
- All right, I gotta go to work.
- Okay, say goodbye to Daddy.
And when he comes back, the three of us before we put you down to bed.
Forgot my keys! And then Mommy will sing you a lullaby just like her mommy used to do Hola, Carla.
That's how you say "hello," right? Hold my bag.
Well, the car's here.
For some reason, it was a half an hour early.
Yeah, that was me.
You know, you're gonna miss me more than I miss you.
Oh, please.
Underneath those four pounds of makeup and quarter inch of synthetically-paralysed skin, there is a frightened little drunk girl that I can already hear blubbering on the phone, "Oh, Perry, I miss you so.
" This is you.
"Oh, Jordan, please come home.
Please.
" See? This is why we're a great couple.
Bag! Bet you call me before I call you, you pathetic wuss.
You're on.
Alone for the weekend.
Wonder what he's gonna do.
- Hi, Perry.
- No, Newbie, get out! - Well, I thought it could be fun.
- Get out.
No.
- Turk, he said no.
- But you told me I assumed he would say yes and I did not invite The Todd.
Fellas, why you wearing such giant underwear? Sometimes you just gotta say, "What the fudge?" - That's not the line.
- I saw it on a plane.
Can I have one of these babies? Why do you call them babies? Don't know.
Always have.
I like you, Shirley.
You know something? You look just like a nurse that used to work here named Laverne.
- Doesn't she? - No.
Oh, yes, she does.
I feel like I'm looking at Laverne again.
You just got yourself a new nickname, missy.
See you in a bit, Lavernagain.
Lavernagain! Baby, you can't just speak Spanish to my little African princess.
She's not your little African princess.
She's our little half-African, half-Latina princess.
Baby, that's a little wordy.
Here we go, Carla and Turk are at it again.
My mother taught me how important my heritage is.
I will do the same for lzzy and speaking Spanish is a huge part of that.
Just a matter of time before they rope me in.
Plus, I want to take her to the homeland.
Any second now Baby, you're from Chicago.
Just get her a deep-dish pizza.
You know what? Why don't you get me a deep-dish pizza, with onions and sausage? Here it comes.
Turk, I was referring to the Dominican Republic.
And if you say, "Isn't that where I bought my wrinkle-free chinos," I may kill you.
Where are your ancestors from? The motherland? You don't even know.
And now a gentle throat clear to let them know I'm ready to speak.
J.
D.
, drink some water.
- Go to hell, Bob.
- I didn't even say anything.
There's nowhere else to sit so you can drop the scary stare.
It doesn't work on me any more.
Kicking me under the table's not going to make me leave either.
I did it.
You talk too much.
Say, Bob, sorry about that "go to hell" thing earlier.
- We're cool.
- You're just pissy because Jordan left.
I mean, I'm in the same boat.
Ever since I broke off my engagement, I live all alone in that big, empty house.
Hell, Bob here is living at the hospital because Enid kicked him out.
Did she just call me Bob? I will kick her again.
We're like the lonely hearts table.
No, no, actually, that's the lonely hearts table.
Who are you? Okay, we'll never win the A Cappella-Palooza performing like that.
And if we don't win, there's no chance of us getting laid at the after-party.
Barbie, please stop lumping us in together.
Tomorrow is my day off and I am joyous to have my place all to myself.
You see, I'm a lot of things.
I'm a Scorpio, a registered Independent, a foodie, a Parrothead.
Yes, I do love that Jimmy Buffet.
Always have, always will.
- A leg man.
- A right bastard.
Thank you, Bob.
But I can assure you the one thing I am not is Straight? Audience participation is now over.
The one thing I'm not is lonely.
Capisce? Hey, you should know that new nurse hates the stupid nickname you gave her.
Lavernagain? No way.
I hate it.
Well, you might hate it now, Lavernagain.
But once you've heard it a few times, you're gonna love it.
- Lavernagain.
- You're such a man of the people, do you even know anybody's real name? Of course I do.
Why do people keep hiding behind you? Challenge, what's their real name? Well, she never told me her real name, but I like Lavernagain.
And Snoop, I had hoped you'd legally changed your name to Snoop.
Never got around to that? Okay.
Colonel, I have to pass on you.
Okay, you can get this one.
I know it's just like Beardface, but not Beardface.
What is it? Oh, right.
Beard Mouth.
- It's Beardfacé, damn it! - It's Beardfacé, damn it! Man of the people, indeed.
It's always surprising to learn how people close to you really feel.
How can you know nothing about your own background? Baby, what do you want me to say? It just doesn't mean that much to me.
Still, the only person's feelings you can truly hope to know are your own.
Daddy, Grandma says you once peed in her garden.
Guilty.
Hey, Perry.
This doesn't count as me calling.
It does so.
'Cause I made Jack dial and you and I didn't speak.
I just wanted to tell you I've decided to stay here through the week.
Bye.
Of course, sometimes a phone call changes everything.
The obvious way to beat loneliness is with the company of others.
Hey, Tedski.
Could I maybe help you here? - That's a lot of files.
- Really? - Thanks.
- No problemo.
It only gets complicated if you don't want others to see that you're vulnerable.
So, I heard Jordan's staying away the whole week now.
Yeah, we've been texting each other a lot since we both found out that we're nervous pooers.
I turned her on to one sound-proofer so talented, even someone with their ear to your door can't hear it when you foofy.
Interesting.
Tell you what, when she gets back you two ought to think about having a crazy-off.
I'm going to text her that you said that.
Goodness gracious, Ted.
I'm sure sorry about that.
It's okay.
I'm used to it.
Say, Ted, these are all just blank pieces of white paper.
They I need to look busy.
Hello, tall, dark and - whatever.
- Handsome.
No.
Well done, Dr John "I think I'm a man of the people "but now thanks to the Janitor "everyone knows I'm a fraud and I have egg on my face" Dorian.
That's your clever new nickname.
Oh, my God! You finally have a nickname! I can admit when I'm wrong.
So, challenge.
I will learn everyone in the hospital's real name by the end of the day.
You're gonna learn 310 names in one day? Hey, the night before my anatomy final, I got drunk on peppermint schnapps 'cause Turk told me it was a special new mouthwash you could swallow.
And after I was done crying and dry-heaving and lying in the foetal position, I still managed to memorize all 216 bones in the human body.
There's only 206 bones in the human body.
Well, it appears I learned 10 more than I needed to.
So how about a little wager? If I win, you have to do my job for a day.
And if I win? I'll do my job for a day.
How is that fair? I'll actually do my job for a day.
Deal.
Do you know how? It's been a while.
I can do it.
Well, you look like you could use some help.
I'm okay.
Actually, I'm just looking for Carla.
Does anyone need any help? Me.
I need help.
Get the hell out of the way! Hi.
Help.
Okay, Dr John "I think I'm a man of the people "but now thanks to the Janitor "everybody knows I'm a fraud and I have egg on my face" Dorian.
Very funny.
Perfect.
Pretend you hate the nickname so it'll stick.
Who is this? He's a doctor.
I think it's Patrick or Paul.
It's Gwen.
Although she does have a mean case of man-face.
Dr Cox, I just want to throw this out there.
It feels really good to be your student again.
Take that back or I'm going to shove every one of these Polaroids down your throat.
Back to best friends it is.
You know what you should use? Mnemonic devices.
Associate the person's name with something about them.
I do it all of the time.
Like this guy.
Look at him.
Now there's no way he's ever going to make love to a woman unless that woman is dead and dead rhymes with Ted.
Ted.
That's how most people remember it.
What was your mnemonic device for remembering my name? - Do you really want to know? - Do I? No.
I knew it.
Look at how much you don't want to be alone.
You're actually helping out the guy who you claim annoys you the most.
Elliot, it's been seven years.
I think we all know I don't annoy him.
Okay, you're in it now.
Go for broke.
Heck, I'd bet that Perry would admit that I'm not just a colleague, I'm a friend.
And arm around him Oh, my God.
Is this what Heaven's like? Yep.
Just helping out a friend.
It has nothing to do with me being lonely.
Hey, wait a second.
Isn't today your day off? Hey, baby, you know something? You are absolutely right.
I do need to learn more about my heritage, so I called my mom and she said somehow, distantly, I'm related to the guy who invented peanuts.
Turk, that's George Washington Carver.
He didn't invent peanuts.
He just thought up uses for them.
I'm talking about the little foam packaging peanuts.
How dumb do you think I am? Baby! You just don't get what's really bothering me.
A couple days ago, you dreamed in English.
Three years of marriage and I'm starting to pay attention.
I feel like I'm losing all connections to what makes me me, you know? My best friend is a very, very white girl from Connecticut.
Look, if who I am keeps slipping away from me, how will I ever be able to pass it on to lzzy? It's bad enough that when people look at my daughter, they only see your little African princess.
They think she's black, not half-black, half-Latina.
- That's not true.
- Oh, really? Watch.
Sir, what race would you say this baby is? Oh, half black, half Latina, most likely Dominican origin.
Then again, I am the new hospital geneticist.
That's just bad luck, baby.
Oh, my God.
What the hell is wrong with me? I used to be an island.
I didn't need anybody.
Now I can't function for a week without Jordan and the kids.
Well, luckily you have a lot of very close, special friends to help you through this.
- J.
D.
, stop it.
- No, you stop it! I'm sorry you had to see me like that.
Honest to God, I I feel like I'm losing track of my identity.
And just like that, a lot of people found themselves asking the same question.
This one's for the ladies.
Who are you? I really want to know Who are you? Who am I? Who are you? Who am I? Who are you? You - Who the hell is that? - It's Skip, the gynaecologist.
Are you honestly whining because you feel attached to your wife and kids? I like the way I was.
Oh, you mean the giant jackass that nobody could stand to be around for more than 20 seconds? - Yes, I love that guy.
- Me, too.
Well, guess what? You're still him.
Only now when you go home there's actually people there that are happy to see you.
Probably 'cause they don't know any better.
- That won't end well for you.
- Okay, buddy.
What is so funny? I just think it's hilarious that you think you could stop being a proud Latin woman.
Baby, all your ring tones are bachata music.
You're the only nurse in this hospital who demands that any doctor who wants a big favour has to ask you in Spanish.
So we got a daughter and life is moving at a really, really fast pace but, baby, you're always gonna be a Latina with an upside down exclamation point.
You promise? And action.
All right, he looks like a serial killer, which is a kind of cereal I'd want to stay away from like oat bran.
Brandon.
Correct.
Okay.
Snoop Dogg Attending.
I saw him without his pants on once and he has crazy, skinny legs like French fries.
French fries are sold at McDonald's, whose founder is Ronald McDonald.
Ronald.
You saw him without his pants on once.
That's popcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher.
Nice.
We all want to be appreciated for our unique identities.
No! Bad dream, baby? No.
It was a great dream.
What are you listening to? Some boring medical lecture.
Go back to sleep.
But when we decide to change who we are for someone we love What time is it? we can surprise even ourselves with who we've become.
All right, Jordan, you win.
I miss you guys.
I miss you, too, Daddy! Jordan, would you like to say the same thing? - I would not.
- She would not.
We'll call you tomorrow.
Will we? - No.
- No.
Colonel Doctor.
I call him that because he looks like that freaky Kentucky Fried Chicken guy.
KFC makes coleslaw.
Coleman Slawski.
Incidentally, my favourite name ever.
That's correct.
But you also lost the bet.
- What are you talking about? I won.
- Nope.
That's not fair.
Nobody knows your name.
You know what that means? Fine, you win.
Yep.
And you know what that means? It's like this ammonia is seeping into my brain and making me violent and angry and hateful.
Yep.
That's how it starts.
What the hell you looking at? - Nice.
- That felt good.