The Conners (2018) s07e04 Episode Script

1
Quick, are Dad and Mark around?
Dan's getting ready
to meet with his lawyer,
and I thought you kicked Mark out.
What are you doing here?
No, I didn't kick Mark out.
He moved over here because I said
he would have to find
someplace else to go if he
was going to keep hacking.
- What's he doing?
- He's upstairs hacking.
You might not have
made a big impression,
but you moved him down the block.
Well, is anybody else around?
Well, Harris is making
dinner in the kitchen.
Are we in danger?
No. I just need a few
minutes with Dad's lawyer
when she gets here.
I'm going to try to
trick her into giving me
free legal advice about Mark.
Aw.
Who would've thought little baby Mark
would grow up to
be a gay cyber criminal.
I don't think his being gay
has anything to do with it.
No, I just like that
the criminal playing field
is becoming more diverse.
So what'd Ben have to say about it?
[chuckles] Well, I'd have
to see him to talk to him,
and he's never around.
So I'm going to have to figure out
this whole Mark thing on my own.
Well, you better hurry up, Darlene,
because even if I don't turn Mark in,
somebody's going to catch on.
Listen, I know you're
worried that this puts you
in a bad position as a cop.
But maybe you won't
even pass the physical,
and then you won't have a problem.
You have the right to be a loving
and supportive family member.
Now you think I can't pass my physical?
Huh? Do ya?
[knock at door]
Who is it?
It's Jean, your dad's lawyer.
Would you mind opening the door?
There's a weird dog out here.
Uh, yeah.
Just give me a minute to ditch the cops.
Hey, Darlene.
Hi.
Oh, it's you.
Take this.
[sighs]
Listen, I've been practicing with Dan
for his pharmaceutical deposition,
and I can't get him to be emotional
when he talks about what
happened with Roseanne.
He just stuffs it down.
Yeah, he's typical stoic Midwesterner.
I even sent him links
from depositions where
loved ones really broke down to
show him what will move a jury.
Never opened them.
Listen, we will work on my dad,
but I actually have
a few questions of my own
about the lawsuit, if you don't mind.
Sure. Shoot.
Um, would it impact the
case if my mom was a hacker?
A gay hacker.
Was she?
Well, I don't want to
incriminate myself or you,
so let's just say no,
but keep talking about it.
Would she have been better off turning
herself in or leaving town,
hoping it would all blow over?
Well, in your mother's
particular situation,
she had a real ace in
the hole that keeps
her from being prosecuted.
She's dead.
Sure, yeah, yeah.
But, I mean, just for fun, um
what if she were alive and, like,
I don't know, like a teenager?
I would say need to pay me for my time
about something that is
obviously a different case.
Oh! Busted cold.
[jar pops, hisses]
You're too late to help me with dinner,
but could you at least Google,
"Is it bad if you open a jar
of tomato sauce and it exhales?"
Sorry.
I gotta prep for my job
interview Wednesday.
Oh, yeah, I can't work Wednesday.
My car won't start that day.
Oh, on Friday, there's going
to be a payroll glitch,
and you're not going
to get as much money.
What a week we're going to have.
I'm interviewing with this
cool tech company that's
starting a mental health
wellness department
for their employees.
Oh, they're hiring you as a bad example?
Oh, Mom, uh, Ben called.
He is going to stop by
and pick up some food,
but he's going to eat at work.
Oh, cool.
I'll stick around so
I can see my husband
for a whole two minutes.
Not enough for you, but
probably the perfect amount
for him.
Either way, after that,
I'm going to head to the Lobo.
I made them carry Impossible Burgers,
so now I gotta eat a
whole case in a month.
So wait.
No one's eating,
and this jar of spaghetti sauce
sounds like an old man
getting up off a couch.
So I'm out.
Wow, the Lobo again?
So you just trying to
drink your Ben problems away?
No. It's just a bummer
being home alone every night.
I'm home every night.
And do the math.
So what, you just drink
at the Lobo by yourself?
No, I hang out with my buddy Chad.
Chad?
Well, we have a lot in common.
A lot in common with who?
Um, it's not important.
How are things going at the office?
[exhales] We are busy.
But I feel so bad I'm not going
to make it for family dinner night.
Oh, hey, you know what you
should do sometime?
Go by the Lobo.
I hear they got Impossible Burgers.
Huh?
A really weird move for a
bar whose logo is a wolf
standing over a deer carcass.
But, hey, you know, I love you.
Love you.
That was sketchy.
What?
You were telling me about Chad,
and you totally clammed
up when Ben came in.
I I didn't clam up.
I get, like, one minute with him.
I'm not going to waste it
talking about some random guy.
A guy you see every night.
No, he's just a friend
that's going through something.
There's nothing more to it than that.
Let me give you some advice.
If you want people to
believe anything you say,
don't start by saying you have a friend.
7x04 - Danny Boy, the Interview,
the New Hire, and the Hanging Chad
[bluesy rock music]
♪
[groans] I can't help out for long.
I'm training for my police physical.
Doesn't look stupid at all.
Hey, everybody.
This is Riley.
Hi, Ben. Hi, Riley.
This is Harris.
And that woman over there
trying to open a Doctor Strange
portal with decaf is Jackie.
Uh, it's nice to meet you guys.
Oh, stop it.
You're the one who's nice to meet.
- You want some breakfast?
- No, we can't stay.
I'm just showing him where
to come to pick up lunch.
Riley is a journalism intern
who's soaking up my wisdom,
helping out around the office.
I'm also looking for a paying gig,
if you guys hear of anything.
Well, I'm actually hiring servers.
And you'll be done soaking
up Ben's wisdom in 3, 2
when can you start?
I just need to get my stuff.
I can get back in an hour.
I'm so I really need the money, man.
So that's it?
Man, I can't believe you're doing this.
You know, for those two hours
Okay, you were like a son to me.
[chuckles]
So you just hired somebody without even
asking if they ever worked
at a restaurant before?
Oh, I can tell by talking to a person.
Waiting tables is
mostly just personality.
Because it came across as
little, teeny, tiny, just li
just a tiny bit predatory.
Look if we happen to end up
dating, that's not predatory.
People meet at work all the time.
It's called fate.
It's called sexual harassment when
you hire fate because it has
the ass of a volleyball player.
Come on, Jackie.
I have no social life.
I'm stuck here.
Well, all I'm saying,
if you don't act respectably,
people aren't going
to treat you with respect.
[bluesy harmonica music]
Hey, Dad, what are you doing here?
Hiding from my lawyer.
She keeps pushing me to be a more
emotional for the deposition.
I'm just not good at opening up.
I drink to get in
touch with my emotions,
but after five or six
beers, I forget what
I'm supposed to be feeling.
You feeling good about the interview?
[scoffs]
I feel like an imposter who's
too old and too inexperienced
to do the job,
so I have that going for me.
Hey, you know, if you want to stand out,
you could position yourself as the one
who's shaky and unqualified.
Do you have anything
that could actually help me?
Well, I mean, I am a manager.
I guess there might be
some interview techniques
that could help you.
If there was ever a time to
put aside our differences
It's when you desperately need me?
I'll do it anyway.
Uh, okay.
Uh, one important thing to do is
called mirroring, where you do
whatever the interviewer does.
Because if they see themselves
in you, then they'll like you.
Makes sense.
It doesn't work on people who have years
of resentment towards you.
Okay, another thing is
your your posture.
So you want to sit up tall, no slumping.
Hide that old lady
hump you're developing.
That's going to be a real
nice surprise for Tyler.
And, uh, oh, wear your glasses.
I don't wear glasses.
Well, you do now.
It makes you look smart.
You gotta counteract the perfect skin
and the blonde hair.
That's the nicest way
you've ever called me stupid.
Oh, I'm surprised you understood that.
[bluesy harmonica music]
[bluesy harmonica music]
Rebecca Conner-Healy.
Hello.
- Hi.
- I'm Sven. Have a seat.
More than welcome
to sit wherever you'd like,
but might be
more comfortable in a chair.
Oh, I meant to do this.
I don't have any chairs
in my living room.
They're all balls.
Uh, but if there are chairs
here, then I'll try that.
So I invited you in,
Rebecca, because Dr. Michaels
highly recommended you.
He felt that since you're a
single mom putting yourself
through grad school,
you could relate to the stress
that some of our employees
who have kids deal with.
I think that kind of life experience
is a real plus for someone
who's going to head up
our new wellness department.
Did you say head of the department?
Yes. This is a management position.
Oh my god, that is fantastic.
I am so grateful that you appreciate
what I've gone through.
You know, I'm a recovering alcoholic,
and I have learned so many
coping strategies that I
know can help your employees.
Wait. Rebecca.
Becky.
I think I remember you
from an AA meeting.
You it was the night
you got your three-year chip.
Oh my god, that was a big night.
So you know what I've been through.
No one gets pregnant in a
freezer on a one-night stand,
or blacks out and loses their kid,
or is so out of it that they don't know
their mother is hooked on
painkillers without learning
a couple things.
I mean, I'm sure you
have your own stories.
Full disclosure, I was only
there to support a friend who
was also getting their chip.
I saw you, but I left before you shared.
But thank you.
You're welcome.
Of course you know that
addicts always exaggerate.
We are such drama queens.
We have a saying, "Take everything
I say with a gram of coke."
[bluesy harmonica music]
So, hey, thanks for coming down.
I was thinking about what you
said about Dan not wanting
to be vulnerable, and I had
an idea about something
that might help him to open up.
- I'd love to hear it.
- Okay.
Well, one time, way back,
we met up with three
of his Irish uncles.
They were visiting. We went to a pub.
The band broke out into "Danny Boy."
And the three old guys got
so emotional that when Dan
saw them, he started to tear up.
So are you saying I should have
his crybaby uncle show up
at the deposition
and play "Danny Boy?"
No, no, no, no.
I'm just saying that no.
Maybe, right before you go in
- Oh, Danny boy ♪
- I'm not doing that.
The pipes, the pipes are calling ♪
Nope, you can stop right there.
- His name is Dan.
- I got that.
Oh, Danny boy ♪
It's not happening.
So maybe he doesn't want to open up
to you because you're so negative when
somebody has a good idea.
They don't feel safe.
You know what might make Dan feel safe?
Why don't you put
a bell around your neck
so he hears you coming?
And when you come back
to respond to that,
will you bring me a beer?
Hmm, right, you did say no cheese,
extra pickle, no mayo,
mustard on the side.
Yeah, and this is an eggplant Parm.
- Yeah.
- I ordered a burger.
I, um I should write
this stuff down, probably.
Um, do you know who
ordered the eggplant Parm?
Wow.
He was clearly oxygen-deprived
at some point in his life.
That's the closest he's
gotten to getting an order
right in the last two days.
Keep walking.
You gotta let him go.
I know.
Earlier he dropped a pie on a baby.
If I fire him, he's never going
to want to go out with me.
That's a chance you take when
you dabble in the skin trade.
[bluesy harmonica music]
Okay, here's a suggestion.
Maybe on your next job interview,
you steer the conversation
towards your computer skills
and away from the fact
that you blacked out
and couldn't find your baby.
See? This is the bar.
It's just a bunch of sad
old drunks, like I told you.
That's Chad, the guy
I was telling you about.
And I assume the
woman who looks like she
wants to kill him is his wife.
Oh, yeah, that's how
he describes her, too.
Oh, and blonde.
You're wasting your
time dragging me in here.
It's not going to change anything.
I just want to show you that
it's not some pick-up joint.
It's just a regular neighborhood bar
with cheap booze and, for some reason,
Impossible Burgers.
Oh, so you meet drunk,
cheap vegans who live nearby
and take them to sleazy hotels?
Wait, did she just
accuse him of cheating?
Because I've been here with
him every night for weeks,
and he's never picked up anybody.
Don't get in the middle, Darlene.
But he's a good guy.
I feel like I gotta go over
there and help him out.
Yeah, I gotta go pick up
Beverly Rose at her dad's.
I'll see you later when
I bail your ass out.
[bluesy harmonica music]
Just so I can tell my attorney,
which one of these old
neighborhood skanks
are you shacking up with?
Hi.
I am so sorry.
I couldn't help but overhear,
and I feel obligated to tell you
that I've been here every
night for the past few weeks,
and I have never seen your
husband pick up a woman.
I mean, like, not once.
Thanks, Darlene, but I think you're
giving CPR to a dead guy here.
Oh. Oh, Darlene.
What, do you watch him from the minute
he comes in till the
minute he leaves, Darlene?
I can do you one better.
I sit at a table
with him night after night.
Oh, that really won't help.
So you've been hanging out
with my husband every night?
Yeah. I've been keeping
an eye on the rascal.
A very well-behaved rascal.
You are welcome.
For what?
For having an affair with my husband?
You can pick up your
things on the front lawn.
Just sign the divorce papers.
Oh, no, don't go.
I just couldn't sit there and
let her treat you like that.
But, obviously, I
I just made things so much worse.
All right, I better get home.
I'm so sorry.
No, stay.
If ever I needed an old
neighborhood skank to talk to, it's now.
All right, I'm going with
you're mad at all women
right now, so I'm going
to let that slide.
Yeah, I'll grab us some drinks.
Two vodka sodas.
Gotcha.
Look, I, uh I think you're
making the right choice.
Oh, vodka soda is my go-to whenever
I'm feeling kind of bloated.
Yeah, I was actually talking about,
um, going with the girlfriend
instead of the wife.
Oh, she's not my girlfriend.
She just came over to try and help.
You're sure she was trying to help?
She's here every night for a reason.
Maybe she was trying to blow it up.
Oh, wow.
Maybe she was.
[bluesy harmonica music]
♪
- Hey.
- Ben Olinsky, is that you?
I ain't seen you in nigh on 20 years.
Yeah, I've been homesteading, uh, where
the old hair salon used to be.
You know, out there by
the old Starbucks place.
[both chuckle]
Yeah, I've been pretty scarce, but, man,
- it's been a lot of work.
- Yeah.
- What are you doing?
- Oh.
I'm cramming for my deposition.
These are Roseanne's
old medical records.
You know, it turns out
she had acid reflux,
but she never told me?
So mine would be in the spotlight.
She was sweet like that.
Yeah, I wish I could've have met her.
I'd understand a lot more
of your family's jokes.
How'd the interview go?
I almost fell off a ball.
Did you lose your balance when
you tried to catch the fish?
I feel stupid for being so honest,
but it's because I felt so
emotional about everything
that happened to me.
I wanted him to know
that I learned from it.
You know, there's no shame
in being vulnerable with people
about your toughest moments.
You could be proud you survived them.
That's good advice coming from a guy
who needs to do the same
thing in a deposition.
Why must you lurk around
listening to other
people's conversations?
Because I care about people.
And because I'm so bored, I could cry.
She's not wrong.
Maybe we should both
wear our scars proudly.
Not how I was raised.
My parents said, if you tell
everybody about your problems,
you sound weak.
Of course, between the two of them,
you could teach a course in
ulcers, alcoholism, and IBS.
Probably wouldn't hurt me
to try something different.
Now you're talking.
Yeah, I'm never going
to remember all of that.
Why don't we just cut
out the middle man,
and you go tell the cook what you want?
I am so sorry.
Riley, let's talk for a second.
Yeah.
So [chuckles] hmm.
I have to fire you.
Yeah. No, that makes sense.
I, uh I suck at this.
I'm more of a journalism nerd.
I don't know why you
didn't fire me sooner.
Well, in my defense,
I mean, you've only been
working here for two days.
And [chuckles] you're cute.
I just I took this job because I
thought you were cute.
Oh.
I wanted to ask you out,
but I don't, um
- have a job now.
- [chuckles]
So you'll have to pay.
Uh, why don't we just eat here?
The help sucks, but the food's okay.
Yeah.
[chuckles]
I understand.
Thank you for calling.
That was the tech company.
- I got the job!
- Oh!
Whoo!
I'm the head of the wellness division.
- [laughs]
- I'm in charge of a big, important thing
where I'm actually going to
be making a big difference.
Blah, blah, blah. How much money?
- A lot.
- A lot? A lot? What's a lot?
A lot for a Conner,
or a lot for a guy that could
buy four new tires at once?
Four new tires and a spare.
Oh, damn.
I'm riding with you this winter.
We gotta celebrate.
Oh, yeah, let's go to that
expensive Italian restaurant
in Hoffman Estates.
Oh, thank you,
but you can't afford that.
But you can.
[bluesy harmonica music]
ALL: 'Tis I'll be there ♪
In the sunshine ♪
Or in shadow ♪
Oh, Danny boy ♪
Oh, Danny boy ♪
I love you so ♪
[sniffles]
[child giggles]