The Venture Bros (2003) s07e04 Episode Script
The High Coast of Loathing
1 [Horn blows.]
[Exhales.]
[Water splashes in distance.]
[Groans.]
[Shrieks.]
[Splashes.]
[Gasps.]
Weesh-hoo.
[Music.]
[Silenced pistols firing.]
[Grunting.]
[Laser whooshes.]
[Doors creak.]
Paydirt.
Monarch: 21 uh, Number 2! Step aside! I'll do the honors.
Oh, clever Venture.
So practiced in the art of deceit.
But don't you know you can't hide from your own shadow?! [Gasps.]
iMadre dÃos! God can't hear you, dieciséis! Minions! I hold in my hot little hand the key to our bold new future! At long last, the full power of the Mighty Monarch shall be unleashed! [Laughs evilly.]
Mmm.
Ahh! Oh, that's the stuff.
Um Mr.
Monarch? Honey? - Hmm? Wh-What? - The Councilman asked you a question.
I said, "What's up with your eyebrows?" - Oh, Iran out of product.
- Mm-hmm.
W-What, is that gonna count against me? Personal grooming is a factor, yes.
But determining your EMA level is a calculus of many criterion.
I must say, so far, your lair does not impress.
Well, we're still in the process of upgrading our equipment.
We weren't really expecting you to come by so soon.
Precisely the point of a "surprise inspection!" You let your henchmen speak out of turn? N-No, no, he's not a henchman.
He's He's my number two.
The, uh henchman army you're looking for is right over here.
Hmph.
"Army.
" Taylor Swift rolls with a bigger squad.
And these uniforms! Cheap Jersey knit.
Oh, who're you, Michael Kors? Honey, help me out here.
Sweetie, my hands are tied.
I can't intercede in the Councilman's impartial audit.
Then why are you here?! Sorry.
Look, give it to me straight.
Do I qualify to arch Venture yet or not? Upon careful evaluation, it is this Councilman's opinion that The Guild should officially re-classify your EMA rating at a - Level Five.
- Five?! Motherf Look, we know we're still a little rough around the edges.
- But five's kinda low, isn't it? - It is exceedingly generous! Mr.
Monarch, it will take more than a coat of paint to rise in our ranks.
But what about my amazing new flying fortress?! It's gotta be worth at least a six or seven.
Ah, yesthat.
[Air hissing.]
Five.
7x04 - The High Coast of Loathing Sweet.
Let's do this.
[Music.]
[Grunting.]
C'mon! [Grunting.]
[Sighs.]
Yeah.
[Beeps, ringing.]
[Clears throat.]
Hello, my lady-love.
Just chillin' in the new Hank pad, and there's just one thing missing You.
Wanna come over and cuddle? Oh, sounds like fun, but I got class.
I'll say you do! - Class, beauty, brains - School, Hank.
[Indistinct shouting.]
I have What the [bleep.]
.
[Tires squealing.]
Ah! Sorry.
Traffic in this city really grinds my nuts.
Took one look at this nice, open lawn - and just had to open Adrienne up.
- It's okay, Brock.
I know what it's like to feel bottled up inside.
I know ya do, Dean.
And that's why - I want you to have her.
- Whoa Really? No! What are you, nuts? I thought you were supposed to be the smart one.
C'mon, grab your shit.
[Groans.]
- What the f? Dude! - Whoa! H-Hey.
Hey! - Is today the day you're moving in? - Y-Yeah.
Um, Brock, this is my roommate, Jared.
- Jared - [Stammering.]
We've met.
- You [bleep.]
ing that thing? - Wh? No! No.
I would n-never.
No, this is my fightin' beaver! Right? It's for cheering, not for I'm I'm going to I-I should go get dressed, check on my student loans.
Maybe it's better the family didn't care enough to come to see me off.
Aw, c'mon, Dean.
They They care.
At least Helper does.
All Hank cares about is getting my old room.
And Pop's still sore I'm not taking any science classes.
Yeah, look, uh, there's something you should know.
You don't have to say it, Brock.
Your dad signed you up for a shitload of science classes.
We're in a [bleep.]
o' trouble, Dr.
Venture! Ven-Tech is still in the red from the Gargantua-2 fiasco, and we spent a fortune gettin' this here skyscraper sea-worthy after yer pappy Shanghaied her.
So whatever ye and yer Jr.
Science Club have been cookin' up down in spec sci, ya better produce some measurable results right quick, or Ven-Tech's gonna go belly up! [Clears throat.]
Well, gentlemen, there's only one thing left to do.
[Music.]
What are you doing there, Doc? Oh, geez, Doc! - Oh! - "No measurable results," eh? What do you call this?! Uh, ain't that the doohickey yer brother used to wear? No! Not not exactly.
Gentlemen, I give you the future of personal conveyance.
And the future belongs to Ven-Tech! [Laughs.]
Uh, you got a bit of a Oh, geez! Oh, look at yer leg! Nah, nah, you don't wanna pull that [Moans.]
- Oh, boy.
- Doc? Mm-hmm Mm-hmm.
And you're looking to borrow how much? - $20 million.
- Oh, yeah.
Which you would use to acquire a new flying fortress, uniforms and equipment, and, uh - what is this item? - Handy Dandy.
Very difficult to acquire, on account of the ambergris, but I assure you it is essential to my work.
- Hmm.
No proof of income - Uh, he does own his own home.
You're referring to the condemned property in Newark? Formerly condemned.
I spent a small fortune fixing it up.
Hence the business loan.
Don't want to strain the ol' trust fund too much, you know.
A trust fund, y'say? Do you happen to have documentation on that account? Wh? No, you do.
It's been at this bank for, like, 40 years.
Look it up! Ah.
Okay.
Yes.
Well, I see it here now.
- I do apologize, Mr.
Fitzcarraldo - Monarch.
And no need to apologize, just gimme money.
but that account is overdrawn.
[Music.]
[Gasping.]
O-Okay.
Just try to breathe here.
We can try the Guild Credit Union, - or maybe your wife could give us a l - Go wait in the car.
- What? - Do it.
Listen to me very carefully.
You're going to give me that money.
Because this is a robbery! Everybody drop to the ground! [Gasping.]
I am an armed and deadly supervillain! And if anyone tries anything funny that happens! Not in my parlor said the Spider to the Butter-Fly.
This bank is protected by The Brown Widow! - Ugh, did that just come out of your - Widow kick! - S-Start the car! - Going somewhere? Aaah! [Crashing, screams.]
All right, everybody, listen up! My name is Professor Tompkins, and I'm gonna be filling in for Dr.
Nidaba while he is still incapacitated.
- Hey, Bjorn Borg, you're late! - Sorry.
[Chuckles.]
Little about me I normally teach U.
S.
Military History, and I'm head coach of the Stuyvesant wrestling team Go, Beavers! So, I'm a little new to all this namby-pamby philosophy crap.
So today I'm gonna start you out on the classics with a li'l help from visiting Professor Mr.
Zack Snyder.
Somehow I don't think the moral of Plato's Republic was "kickin' ass and takin' names.
" Yeah, no, but how cool was it to see "300" again, huh? Dean? Dean Venture? - Oh, my God, I thought that was you.
- Oh, hi, Sirena.
- Hi, Sirena - Bye, Jared.
[Muttering.]
Bye, Jared.
So you're livin' on campus now, huh? Oh, I'm so jelly.
It's only like 50 blocks, or whatever, but it's like a totally different world up here.
- Yeah.
I sure hope so, anyway.
- Hey, where you headed? You wanna grab a cup of coffee or something? Oh, uh, well, I-I can't.
Oh, do you have that same Hank thing where coffee makes you crazy? No.
I have to go cancel all my science classes because my dad makes me crazy.
Doctor: Well, he's lucky to be alive.
We were able to stop the bleeding in time, but the glass nicked his femoral artery, so we're gonna want to keep him overnight for observation.
Heckuva job body-guarding there, Samson.
I had to drop Dean off.
Where were you? Where am I always?! Down at the front desk.
A real soldier never leaves his post.
So who's watching the place now? [Beeping frantically.]
[Gasping.]
Yeah, I should probably get back.
D-Did Dean come? Where's my boy? He's at class, Doc.
First day.
I'm here, though, Pop! And while I got you in a groovy mood, I need a quick cash injection for, uh, some upgrades I want to do to my new room.
Now, I can keep the costs down by do-it-myself-ing the paint and wallpaper, but frankly, I'm out of my depth when it comes to this skylight.
No, Hank.
Just no.
I'm not giving you any money.
Wh? C'mon! You gave Dean his own checkbook! And I gave you a choice.
- Either you enroll in school - Well Clown college doesn't count or you get a job.
I'm sorry, gentlemen, but visiting hours are over.
You're free to come back tonight, okay? Hey, can I get one of those? Because while my dad might be a billionaire, I don't have a pot to piss in! You're lucky I'm not charging you rent, Hank! Wait, where are you going? Nurse, this man is my bodyguard.
- He's authorized to stay the night.
- Yeah, I'm not doing that.
[Button clicking.]
Wait, stay with me, Bro ahh.
[Music.]
It's bad.
Hey, sweetie.
Rough day, huh? [Moans loudly.]
Yeah.
New York is lousy with superheroes.
Y-You'll do better next time.
You don't understand, baby.
There is no next time! I'm broke.
Game over.
I have nothing left.
You have me.
You have 21.
- You have this beautiful house.
- You mean this money pit! What the hell was I thinking, pouring all my These sconces! Look at these sconces.
$1,200 apiece.
[Electricity crackles.]
Was I out of my mind? Okay, well, breaking them isn't gonna This desk this vintage rosewood executive desk by Arne Vodder for Sibast.
$8,000! - You're gonna get it all back.
- Oh! Oh, God! The Guild has assigned you a cherry new arch.
- Yeah, a cruddy Level Five.
- It's a start.
Baby steps, sweetie.
Just work the program.
Log some arches.
Earn your way up the ladder.
- I-I can't.
- Yes, you can! Because you are the Mighty [bleep.]
ing Monarch.
You're a survivor, just like your namesake.
Every spring, these little guys migrate thousands of miles from Mexico to Canada.
They average maybe 50 miles a day, but little by little, they get there.
And in the fall, they pick themselves up, and they make the long journey back.
The point is, you can do anything you set your mind to.
Because Monarchs never quit.
[Inhales.]
You're right.
Thank you, honey-bunny.
I wish you could've met her when she was alive.
She would've liked you.
Von Helping: I was quite excited to see your name on my roster.
I mean, your grandfather was a huge inspiration to me.
Well, thank you.
But my father's the real reason I'm here.
Uh-huh, yeah, I've, uh I've heard of him, too.
See, he signed me up for all these classes, and the truth is I'm not really interested in science.
Oh, no? What are you interested in? Well I don't really know.
That's kind of why I'm in college.
- But I definitely know that I don't - Want to be like your father.
I myself was born the scion of a powerful family.
Daddy wanted me to go into the family business.
I can relate.
With all due respect, Professor, I don't think you can.
It's not just him.
It's his whole super-science world.
It's like it has its own gravity that just attracts all these these freaks, - a-and if you're stuck in his orbit then - This was Pop.
Pop wanted only two things in life to rule the world, and to make his son just like him.
Uh, also to destroy Dr.
Atomicus, so three three things in life.
- Y-Your father was a s - Big time.
And, man, did he mess me up.
I went to a really dark place when I wasn't much older than you, but you know what saved me? The power of science.
Not the kind of power he was after, I'm talking about the power to make the world a better place, the power to help mankind.
That's the kind of power you need if you want to escape gravity.
- I-I want.
- Then tell you what You take just one of my classes, see if you like it, - and we move on from there? - Well okay.
What's the least super-science-y class you have? - All science is super, young Dean.
- Uhh Uh, botany.
Let's try you on botany.
The communal areas are for your lounging enjoyment.
You'll find the kitchen one level down and stocked with snacks a-plenty.
The shared bathroom is conveniently across the hall from your room And here is your honeymoon suite! [in German.]
Is it room for kids? - Uh, questions? - Uh are you having ze Wi-Fis? Ah! Yes.
Our network's named "Rust-4-Life," - and the password is - "Kate-Jackson-Meow"? Please don't share it with anyone.
'Cause it's embarrassing.
So, there's just the matter of your, uh, [clears throat.]
rent.
It's $250 per night, plus the $30 cleaning fee Cash! Aces.
[Clears throat.]
Well, I hope you enjoy your stay, and thanks again for choosing AirB&Me a wholly-owned subsidiary of HankCo.
- Hey, Mami.
I like what I see.
- Ugh.
Piss off, you pervert.
Aw, why you gotta be like that? I mean it, you dickhead.
I've got mace! And I've got flowers! Hank! Jesus! What are you doing here? I suddenly found myself flush with cash and wanted to share the wealth with my best gal.
What say we paint the town? You name the color.
Aw, that's sweet, boo-boo.
But I told you I got class.
- But that was this morning.
- Yeah, I got more than one.
- It's college.
- Well, that seems excessive.
Look, I-I gotta go.
I'm gonna be late.
We will do something this weekend, okay? I promise.
[Smooches.]
Oh-oh.
O-kay.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- Hey, how do I look? - You look good.
Well except don't do that with your face.
Ugh.
Can't help it.
This gel, it's just so stiff.
I need pliable hold! At least you don't look like Piter De Vries anymore.
Who the hell is Piter Oh! He's from one of your geek things, isn't he? So, uh, what's the deal with this new arch? Is he cool or what? "Professor Victor Von Helping.
" - Ooh.
Guess not.
- Helping.
So cheesy.
"Dean of Sciences, Stuyvesant University," blah-blah-blah, "Active member of Greenpeace, Doctors Without Borders" Oh, [bleep.]
! Oh, my God, guess whose kid he is? Holy! Is that Vigo Von Hellfire?! He's, like, Guild Royalty.
Apparently, little Victor was being groomed for the family business but had a change of heart after, "A freak super-science accident left him hideously scarred - on over 80% of his body.
" - Ew.
Is he all melty-looking and stuff? - No.
He looks fine.
- Huh.
Handsome, even.
In, like, a Paul Atreides kind way.
- Ugh, geek! Geek! Geek! - Sorry! Sorry! [Door opens.]
Hiya, stranger.
We botany buddies? [Chuckles.]
I thought you was quittin' science.
- No.
Just my dad's kind of science.
- Ugh! Tell me about it.
My dad tried to push me into marine biology, but, like, no [bleep.]
ing thank you.
Are you out of your mind? That didn't work out so hot for him, you know? - Or me, to be quite honest.
- I know, right? It's like they don't even see what their whole obsession with super-science is doing to their own kids.
You know I'm a clone? Me and Hank both.
- Yeah, I know.
He told me.
- How messed up is that?! Not as messed up as being, like, dead.
So, you know maybe super-science ain't all bad.
Brr! Hoo! It's a brisk one out there! Sorry I'm late, students.
Ah, well.
Looks like it's just the three of us, then.
[Glass shatters.]
Not anymore! The Monarch is auditing this class! [Laughs evilly.]
Oh! Hey Hey, Dean Venture! No, no, no, no! [Beeping.]
[Grunts.]
[Gasps.]
[Sighs deeply.]
[Clicks.]
[Groans.]
Hank.
Hey, Pop? You awake? [Sighs.]
Lay your head on my shoulder [Imitates Doc.]
Well, hello there, son.
How was your day? [As self.]
Honestly, it started good but turned out to be kind of a bummer.
[As Doc.]
Well, that doesn't sound very Hank of you.
[As self.]
Yeah, well, it ain't easy maintaining my famous can-do attitude when you're always all "can't-don't" to me.
[Sighs.]
I don't get it.
I mean, Dean cuts and runs on Team Venture, and you give him whatever he wants.
But I stick around, and you punish me for it.
I mean, I know he's your favorite, but do you have to act like it? Take my hand, I can take you there - I just feel so, kind of alone now that - I feel a little fragile 'cause I think you don't care What is that? Well, take my hand, I can take you there I'm feeling kinda fragile 'cause I [Clears throat.]
They They say that music helps.
[Doc murmurs indistinctly.]
See? I-I heard music.
Am I dreaming? It's no dream, Pop, it's Wait a minute, uh, how much did you hear? - You really came to see me? - Yeah.
I-I guess I did.
Aww.
I want you to know, you've always been my favorite.
I love you Kate Jackson Hank?! It's game night, man! I'm comin' for that flat screen! - What are you doin'? - Alarm went off in Hank's room.
That ain't Hank's room anymore.
And Hank went out an hour ago.
We go in on three.
One Three! [Shouting, gunshots, screaming.]
- No.
Nothing.
- Where is it, Von Hippie? Where is what? It's a botany lab.
Is this some kind of rush-week prank? No, we're your new arches, you condescending putz! We're here to fight you and steal your shit! - [Sighs.]
Well, I'm not going to fight you.
- Okay, that'll work.
[Clanks.]
Ah! Motherf Nice.
Step aside, you child [Clanks.]
Ow! This is absolutely broken! - Why is there metal - This is just [bleep.]
ing sad.
Oh, shut up! 21! Grab her! - Dude, that's Wide Wale's dau - Do it! - Really? - Hey! Now give us your secret science shit! Or my number two's gonna go "Mama had a baby and its head popped off" - on your little dandelion here! - Enough! Do as you like to me, but you do not threaten my students! - All right, okay, just - You wanted to get a rise out me.
- Well, how do you like me now? - Okay, just everybody calm down How do you like facing the full wrath - of Professor Victor Von Hellfire?! - Aah! No! No, please, Professor! - Don't let him drag you down to his level.
- Hey! What's it gonna take, Monarch, huh?! To rid my life of creeps like you once and for all?! Why do you even do this?! Do you even know anymore?! Oh, what do you know, rich bitch?! You never had to work for a living.
Taking shit arches instead of doing what you really want to do?! Or hating who you really want to hate! Fine! There's only one way to end this, then, isn't there? Gun! One million dollars.
There! Is that gonna be enough for you to leave my professor alone, to leave me alone? - Huh?! - Wha I Uh, yeah? Then Oh.
Uh, okay.
T-That okay with you, Professor? I should be calling you Professor.
Because you've taught me something here tonight, young Dean.
Oh, my God! Can we please leave this - After-School Special? - Oh, uh but first can we get you to sign this? Standard Guild form 4-B Arch confirmation Oh, of course.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
I seem to have lost my pen.
- Hey, are you okay? - Oh, please, are you kidding me? I grew up around Level Nines and Tens.
These guys are, like, negative threes.
I dunno what they were, they that was an embarrassment.
Um, but you're but you're so sweet for asking.
My hero.
[Chuckles.]
[Smooches.]
Oh! Oh, come on.
It was nothin'.
I didn't Oh, no! [Theme music.]
Dr.
Girlfriend: Top earner for the month! Oh, so proud! I knew you could do it, honey.
Even Z was impressed.
He sent this over.
[Music.]
Geek!
[Exhales.]
[Water splashes in distance.]
[Groans.]
[Shrieks.]
[Splashes.]
[Gasps.]
Weesh-hoo.
[Music.]
[Silenced pistols firing.]
[Grunting.]
[Laser whooshes.]
[Doors creak.]
Paydirt.
Monarch: 21 uh, Number 2! Step aside! I'll do the honors.
Oh, clever Venture.
So practiced in the art of deceit.
But don't you know you can't hide from your own shadow?! [Gasps.]
iMadre dÃos! God can't hear you, dieciséis! Minions! I hold in my hot little hand the key to our bold new future! At long last, the full power of the Mighty Monarch shall be unleashed! [Laughs evilly.]
Mmm.
Ahh! Oh, that's the stuff.
Um Mr.
Monarch? Honey? - Hmm? Wh-What? - The Councilman asked you a question.
I said, "What's up with your eyebrows?" - Oh, Iran out of product.
- Mm-hmm.
W-What, is that gonna count against me? Personal grooming is a factor, yes.
But determining your EMA level is a calculus of many criterion.
I must say, so far, your lair does not impress.
Well, we're still in the process of upgrading our equipment.
We weren't really expecting you to come by so soon.
Precisely the point of a "surprise inspection!" You let your henchmen speak out of turn? N-No, no, he's not a henchman.
He's He's my number two.
The, uh henchman army you're looking for is right over here.
Hmph.
"Army.
" Taylor Swift rolls with a bigger squad.
And these uniforms! Cheap Jersey knit.
Oh, who're you, Michael Kors? Honey, help me out here.
Sweetie, my hands are tied.
I can't intercede in the Councilman's impartial audit.
Then why are you here?! Sorry.
Look, give it to me straight.
Do I qualify to arch Venture yet or not? Upon careful evaluation, it is this Councilman's opinion that The Guild should officially re-classify your EMA rating at a - Level Five.
- Five?! Motherf Look, we know we're still a little rough around the edges.
- But five's kinda low, isn't it? - It is exceedingly generous! Mr.
Monarch, it will take more than a coat of paint to rise in our ranks.
But what about my amazing new flying fortress?! It's gotta be worth at least a six or seven.
Ah, yesthat.
[Air hissing.]
Five.
7x04 - The High Coast of Loathing Sweet.
Let's do this.
[Music.]
[Grunting.]
C'mon! [Grunting.]
[Sighs.]
Yeah.
[Beeps, ringing.]
[Clears throat.]
Hello, my lady-love.
Just chillin' in the new Hank pad, and there's just one thing missing You.
Wanna come over and cuddle? Oh, sounds like fun, but I got class.
I'll say you do! - Class, beauty, brains - School, Hank.
[Indistinct shouting.]
I have What the [bleep.]
.
[Tires squealing.]
Ah! Sorry.
Traffic in this city really grinds my nuts.
Took one look at this nice, open lawn - and just had to open Adrienne up.
- It's okay, Brock.
I know what it's like to feel bottled up inside.
I know ya do, Dean.
And that's why - I want you to have her.
- Whoa Really? No! What are you, nuts? I thought you were supposed to be the smart one.
C'mon, grab your shit.
[Groans.]
- What the f? Dude! - Whoa! H-Hey.
Hey! - Is today the day you're moving in? - Y-Yeah.
Um, Brock, this is my roommate, Jared.
- Jared - [Stammering.]
We've met.
- You [bleep.]
ing that thing? - Wh? No! No.
I would n-never.
No, this is my fightin' beaver! Right? It's for cheering, not for I'm I'm going to I-I should go get dressed, check on my student loans.
Maybe it's better the family didn't care enough to come to see me off.
Aw, c'mon, Dean.
They They care.
At least Helper does.
All Hank cares about is getting my old room.
And Pop's still sore I'm not taking any science classes.
Yeah, look, uh, there's something you should know.
You don't have to say it, Brock.
Your dad signed you up for a shitload of science classes.
We're in a [bleep.]
o' trouble, Dr.
Venture! Ven-Tech is still in the red from the Gargantua-2 fiasco, and we spent a fortune gettin' this here skyscraper sea-worthy after yer pappy Shanghaied her.
So whatever ye and yer Jr.
Science Club have been cookin' up down in spec sci, ya better produce some measurable results right quick, or Ven-Tech's gonna go belly up! [Clears throat.]
Well, gentlemen, there's only one thing left to do.
[Music.]
What are you doing there, Doc? Oh, geez, Doc! - Oh! - "No measurable results," eh? What do you call this?! Uh, ain't that the doohickey yer brother used to wear? No! Not not exactly.
Gentlemen, I give you the future of personal conveyance.
And the future belongs to Ven-Tech! [Laughs.]
Uh, you got a bit of a Oh, geez! Oh, look at yer leg! Nah, nah, you don't wanna pull that [Moans.]
- Oh, boy.
- Doc? Mm-hmm Mm-hmm.
And you're looking to borrow how much? - $20 million.
- Oh, yeah.
Which you would use to acquire a new flying fortress, uniforms and equipment, and, uh - what is this item? - Handy Dandy.
Very difficult to acquire, on account of the ambergris, but I assure you it is essential to my work.
- Hmm.
No proof of income - Uh, he does own his own home.
You're referring to the condemned property in Newark? Formerly condemned.
I spent a small fortune fixing it up.
Hence the business loan.
Don't want to strain the ol' trust fund too much, you know.
A trust fund, y'say? Do you happen to have documentation on that account? Wh? No, you do.
It's been at this bank for, like, 40 years.
Look it up! Ah.
Okay.
Yes.
Well, I see it here now.
- I do apologize, Mr.
Fitzcarraldo - Monarch.
And no need to apologize, just gimme money.
but that account is overdrawn.
[Music.]
[Gasping.]
O-Okay.
Just try to breathe here.
We can try the Guild Credit Union, - or maybe your wife could give us a l - Go wait in the car.
- What? - Do it.
Listen to me very carefully.
You're going to give me that money.
Because this is a robbery! Everybody drop to the ground! [Gasping.]
I am an armed and deadly supervillain! And if anyone tries anything funny that happens! Not in my parlor said the Spider to the Butter-Fly.
This bank is protected by The Brown Widow! - Ugh, did that just come out of your - Widow kick! - S-Start the car! - Going somewhere? Aaah! [Crashing, screams.]
All right, everybody, listen up! My name is Professor Tompkins, and I'm gonna be filling in for Dr.
Nidaba while he is still incapacitated.
- Hey, Bjorn Borg, you're late! - Sorry.
[Chuckles.]
Little about me I normally teach U.
S.
Military History, and I'm head coach of the Stuyvesant wrestling team Go, Beavers! So, I'm a little new to all this namby-pamby philosophy crap.
So today I'm gonna start you out on the classics with a li'l help from visiting Professor Mr.
Zack Snyder.
Somehow I don't think the moral of Plato's Republic was "kickin' ass and takin' names.
" Yeah, no, but how cool was it to see "300" again, huh? Dean? Dean Venture? - Oh, my God, I thought that was you.
- Oh, hi, Sirena.
- Hi, Sirena - Bye, Jared.
[Muttering.]
Bye, Jared.
So you're livin' on campus now, huh? Oh, I'm so jelly.
It's only like 50 blocks, or whatever, but it's like a totally different world up here.
- Yeah.
I sure hope so, anyway.
- Hey, where you headed? You wanna grab a cup of coffee or something? Oh, uh, well, I-I can't.
Oh, do you have that same Hank thing where coffee makes you crazy? No.
I have to go cancel all my science classes because my dad makes me crazy.
Doctor: Well, he's lucky to be alive.
We were able to stop the bleeding in time, but the glass nicked his femoral artery, so we're gonna want to keep him overnight for observation.
Heckuva job body-guarding there, Samson.
I had to drop Dean off.
Where were you? Where am I always?! Down at the front desk.
A real soldier never leaves his post.
So who's watching the place now? [Beeping frantically.]
[Gasping.]
Yeah, I should probably get back.
D-Did Dean come? Where's my boy? He's at class, Doc.
First day.
I'm here, though, Pop! And while I got you in a groovy mood, I need a quick cash injection for, uh, some upgrades I want to do to my new room.
Now, I can keep the costs down by do-it-myself-ing the paint and wallpaper, but frankly, I'm out of my depth when it comes to this skylight.
No, Hank.
Just no.
I'm not giving you any money.
Wh? C'mon! You gave Dean his own checkbook! And I gave you a choice.
- Either you enroll in school - Well Clown college doesn't count or you get a job.
I'm sorry, gentlemen, but visiting hours are over.
You're free to come back tonight, okay? Hey, can I get one of those? Because while my dad might be a billionaire, I don't have a pot to piss in! You're lucky I'm not charging you rent, Hank! Wait, where are you going? Nurse, this man is my bodyguard.
- He's authorized to stay the night.
- Yeah, I'm not doing that.
[Button clicking.]
Wait, stay with me, Bro ahh.
[Music.]
It's bad.
Hey, sweetie.
Rough day, huh? [Moans loudly.]
Yeah.
New York is lousy with superheroes.
Y-You'll do better next time.
You don't understand, baby.
There is no next time! I'm broke.
Game over.
I have nothing left.
You have me.
You have 21.
- You have this beautiful house.
- You mean this money pit! What the hell was I thinking, pouring all my These sconces! Look at these sconces.
$1,200 apiece.
[Electricity crackles.]
Was I out of my mind? Okay, well, breaking them isn't gonna This desk this vintage rosewood executive desk by Arne Vodder for Sibast.
$8,000! - You're gonna get it all back.
- Oh! Oh, God! The Guild has assigned you a cherry new arch.
- Yeah, a cruddy Level Five.
- It's a start.
Baby steps, sweetie.
Just work the program.
Log some arches.
Earn your way up the ladder.
- I-I can't.
- Yes, you can! Because you are the Mighty [bleep.]
ing Monarch.
You're a survivor, just like your namesake.
Every spring, these little guys migrate thousands of miles from Mexico to Canada.
They average maybe 50 miles a day, but little by little, they get there.
And in the fall, they pick themselves up, and they make the long journey back.
The point is, you can do anything you set your mind to.
Because Monarchs never quit.
[Inhales.]
You're right.
Thank you, honey-bunny.
I wish you could've met her when she was alive.
She would've liked you.
Von Helping: I was quite excited to see your name on my roster.
I mean, your grandfather was a huge inspiration to me.
Well, thank you.
But my father's the real reason I'm here.
Uh-huh, yeah, I've, uh I've heard of him, too.
See, he signed me up for all these classes, and the truth is I'm not really interested in science.
Oh, no? What are you interested in? Well I don't really know.
That's kind of why I'm in college.
- But I definitely know that I don't - Want to be like your father.
I myself was born the scion of a powerful family.
Daddy wanted me to go into the family business.
I can relate.
With all due respect, Professor, I don't think you can.
It's not just him.
It's his whole super-science world.
It's like it has its own gravity that just attracts all these these freaks, - a-and if you're stuck in his orbit then - This was Pop.
Pop wanted only two things in life to rule the world, and to make his son just like him.
Uh, also to destroy Dr.
Atomicus, so three three things in life.
- Y-Your father was a s - Big time.
And, man, did he mess me up.
I went to a really dark place when I wasn't much older than you, but you know what saved me? The power of science.
Not the kind of power he was after, I'm talking about the power to make the world a better place, the power to help mankind.
That's the kind of power you need if you want to escape gravity.
- I-I want.
- Then tell you what You take just one of my classes, see if you like it, - and we move on from there? - Well okay.
What's the least super-science-y class you have? - All science is super, young Dean.
- Uhh Uh, botany.
Let's try you on botany.
The communal areas are for your lounging enjoyment.
You'll find the kitchen one level down and stocked with snacks a-plenty.
The shared bathroom is conveniently across the hall from your room And here is your honeymoon suite! [in German.]
Is it room for kids? - Uh, questions? - Uh are you having ze Wi-Fis? Ah! Yes.
Our network's named "Rust-4-Life," - and the password is - "Kate-Jackson-Meow"? Please don't share it with anyone.
'Cause it's embarrassing.
So, there's just the matter of your, uh, [clears throat.]
rent.
It's $250 per night, plus the $30 cleaning fee Cash! Aces.
[Clears throat.]
Well, I hope you enjoy your stay, and thanks again for choosing AirB&Me a wholly-owned subsidiary of HankCo.
- Hey, Mami.
I like what I see.
- Ugh.
Piss off, you pervert.
Aw, why you gotta be like that? I mean it, you dickhead.
I've got mace! And I've got flowers! Hank! Jesus! What are you doing here? I suddenly found myself flush with cash and wanted to share the wealth with my best gal.
What say we paint the town? You name the color.
Aw, that's sweet, boo-boo.
But I told you I got class.
- But that was this morning.
- Yeah, I got more than one.
- It's college.
- Well, that seems excessive.
Look, I-I gotta go.
I'm gonna be late.
We will do something this weekend, okay? I promise.
[Smooches.]
Oh-oh.
O-kay.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- Hey, how do I look? - You look good.
Well except don't do that with your face.
Ugh.
Can't help it.
This gel, it's just so stiff.
I need pliable hold! At least you don't look like Piter De Vries anymore.
Who the hell is Piter Oh! He's from one of your geek things, isn't he? So, uh, what's the deal with this new arch? Is he cool or what? "Professor Victor Von Helping.
" - Ooh.
Guess not.
- Helping.
So cheesy.
"Dean of Sciences, Stuyvesant University," blah-blah-blah, "Active member of Greenpeace, Doctors Without Borders" Oh, [bleep.]
! Oh, my God, guess whose kid he is? Holy! Is that Vigo Von Hellfire?! He's, like, Guild Royalty.
Apparently, little Victor was being groomed for the family business but had a change of heart after, "A freak super-science accident left him hideously scarred - on over 80% of his body.
" - Ew.
Is he all melty-looking and stuff? - No.
He looks fine.
- Huh.
Handsome, even.
In, like, a Paul Atreides kind way.
- Ugh, geek! Geek! Geek! - Sorry! Sorry! [Door opens.]
Hiya, stranger.
We botany buddies? [Chuckles.]
I thought you was quittin' science.
- No.
Just my dad's kind of science.
- Ugh! Tell me about it.
My dad tried to push me into marine biology, but, like, no [bleep.]
ing thank you.
Are you out of your mind? That didn't work out so hot for him, you know? - Or me, to be quite honest.
- I know, right? It's like they don't even see what their whole obsession with super-science is doing to their own kids.
You know I'm a clone? Me and Hank both.
- Yeah, I know.
He told me.
- How messed up is that?! Not as messed up as being, like, dead.
So, you know maybe super-science ain't all bad.
Brr! Hoo! It's a brisk one out there! Sorry I'm late, students.
Ah, well.
Looks like it's just the three of us, then.
[Glass shatters.]
Not anymore! The Monarch is auditing this class! [Laughs evilly.]
Oh! Hey Hey, Dean Venture! No, no, no, no! [Beeping.]
[Grunts.]
[Gasps.]
[Sighs deeply.]
[Clicks.]
[Groans.]
Hank.
Hey, Pop? You awake? [Sighs.]
Lay your head on my shoulder [Imitates Doc.]
Well, hello there, son.
How was your day? [As self.]
Honestly, it started good but turned out to be kind of a bummer.
[As Doc.]
Well, that doesn't sound very Hank of you.
[As self.]
Yeah, well, it ain't easy maintaining my famous can-do attitude when you're always all "can't-don't" to me.
[Sighs.]
I don't get it.
I mean, Dean cuts and runs on Team Venture, and you give him whatever he wants.
But I stick around, and you punish me for it.
I mean, I know he's your favorite, but do you have to act like it? Take my hand, I can take you there - I just feel so, kind of alone now that - I feel a little fragile 'cause I think you don't care What is that? Well, take my hand, I can take you there I'm feeling kinda fragile 'cause I [Clears throat.]
They They say that music helps.
[Doc murmurs indistinctly.]
See? I-I heard music.
Am I dreaming? It's no dream, Pop, it's Wait a minute, uh, how much did you hear? - You really came to see me? - Yeah.
I-I guess I did.
Aww.
I want you to know, you've always been my favorite.
I love you Kate Jackson Hank?! It's game night, man! I'm comin' for that flat screen! - What are you doin'? - Alarm went off in Hank's room.
That ain't Hank's room anymore.
And Hank went out an hour ago.
We go in on three.
One Three! [Shouting, gunshots, screaming.]
- No.
Nothing.
- Where is it, Von Hippie? Where is what? It's a botany lab.
Is this some kind of rush-week prank? No, we're your new arches, you condescending putz! We're here to fight you and steal your shit! - [Sighs.]
Well, I'm not going to fight you.
- Okay, that'll work.
[Clanks.]
Ah! Motherf Nice.
Step aside, you child [Clanks.]
Ow! This is absolutely broken! - Why is there metal - This is just [bleep.]
ing sad.
Oh, shut up! 21! Grab her! - Dude, that's Wide Wale's dau - Do it! - Really? - Hey! Now give us your secret science shit! Or my number two's gonna go "Mama had a baby and its head popped off" - on your little dandelion here! - Enough! Do as you like to me, but you do not threaten my students! - All right, okay, just - You wanted to get a rise out me.
- Well, how do you like me now? - Okay, just everybody calm down How do you like facing the full wrath - of Professor Victor Von Hellfire?! - Aah! No! No, please, Professor! - Don't let him drag you down to his level.
- Hey! What's it gonna take, Monarch, huh?! To rid my life of creeps like you once and for all?! Why do you even do this?! Do you even know anymore?! Oh, what do you know, rich bitch?! You never had to work for a living.
Taking shit arches instead of doing what you really want to do?! Or hating who you really want to hate! Fine! There's only one way to end this, then, isn't there? Gun! One million dollars.
There! Is that gonna be enough for you to leave my professor alone, to leave me alone? - Huh?! - Wha I Uh, yeah? Then Oh.
Uh, okay.
T-That okay with you, Professor? I should be calling you Professor.
Because you've taught me something here tonight, young Dean.
Oh, my God! Can we please leave this - After-School Special? - Oh, uh but first can we get you to sign this? Standard Guild form 4-B Arch confirmation Oh, of course.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
I seem to have lost my pen.
- Hey, are you okay? - Oh, please, are you kidding me? I grew up around Level Nines and Tens.
These guys are, like, negative threes.
I dunno what they were, they that was an embarrassment.
Um, but you're but you're so sweet for asking.
My hero.
[Chuckles.]
[Smooches.]
Oh! Oh, come on.
It was nothin'.
I didn't Oh, no! [Theme music.]
Dr.
Girlfriend: Top earner for the month! Oh, so proud! I knew you could do it, honey.
Even Z was impressed.
He sent this over.
[Music.]
Geek!