8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s07e05 Episode Script
Vic Reeves, Aisling Bea, David O'Doherty
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Sean Lock, Jon Richardson, Vic Reeves, Aisling Bea, David O'Doherty, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, if something is obliviable, then it's easy to forget.
I'm fairly confident I'm not obliviable and neither's Sean, and neither's the other one.
HE MOUTHS When Shakespeare moved house, he called his new house New Home.
Not very imaginative.
Although, fortunately, it was in a hamlet, which gave him a good idea.
And the Irish language has a different set of numbers to count inanimate objects rather than living things.
It goes one potato, two potato, three potato, four.
Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
Jon keeps his DVDs in alphabetical order, which means no matter what film he wants to watch, he can go to his DVD shelf and know instantly how anally retentive he is.
What do you do about "The" on a DVD? The Lord of the Rings - does it go under T or is it under L, The? It's one of the big questions.
You're in that one, aren't you? Aragorn, I am.
Oh, my God, I just saw myself.
And Jon's team-mate, Aisling Bea.
Aisling studied classical acting at the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Arts.
An esteemed institution that's produced some of the country's most well-respected baristas.
Up against them this evening, it's Sean Lock.
I'm not saying Sean is terrible at Countdown, but at the end of the last series, Susie Dent asked if it might be kinder if we held him back a year.
And Sean's teammate, Vic Reeves.
Vic Reeves is very much the nutter on the bus' nutter on the bus.
OK, Vic, you've got devoted fans.
Er, what's the weirdest thing you've been sent by one of your fans? We used to get sent a lot of vegetables, potatoes mainly.
But, no Edible knickers - we'd get sent them.
You would get chewing tobacco flavoured ones.
Beef and tomato, chicken and mushroom.
- OK.
- And eggs, we used to get sent eggs.
Are you mixing up fans with Ocado? I now really want to see Sean's Ocado order.
I'll just get some eggs and edible panties, this week.
- Um, Sean, you've achieved a lot in comedy.
- Thank you.
Have you ever considered have you ever considered a career change, Sean? Well, I've got so many qualities.
Er, it's very hard for me to choose.
I mean, I'm very, very good at walking backwards and telling people not to go to the toilet.
So, I think I'd make a great air steward.
Forget being Putin or Barrack Obama.
You know, that's real power.
"No, you're going to have to wait.
You can't go to the toilet.
" "Oh!" But, I mean, before I did this, of course, I had a career which, er, some people have very mixed feelings about.
I was a zoo keeper for six years.
AISLING GIGGLES A lot of people can't decide whether zoo keepers are goodies or baddies.
You know, you obviously love animals, but you keep them imprisoned.
I see myself as - genuinely, I had a good record as a zoo keeper.
Um, you know, none of them ever escaped.
A panda hung itself once.
I've never worked out how he got that belt in there.
OK, er, Jon, you're known for being a little bit grumpy.
What do you do to cheer yourself up? Um, the same as anyone, the suffering of others.
It's the only way we all cope, isn't it? Ultimately, someone's having a shitter time than you are and with YouTube, it's very often possible to watch that happening.
At least I'm not walking into a glass door like this dick.
Amazing afternoon, that's three hours gone there.
Aisling, are there any Irish words or phrases that we should be made aware of - that English people wouldn't know? There are lots of different phrases that, er, are technically English, but people don't understand.
Like, for example, my mother sent me a text today.
Actually, David, you could translate if they don't understand.
- Would you do that? - Yeah, no problem.
- OK.
So, I mean, it's fairly simple.
She was, like, "Hi, Aisling.
Well, didn't someone on the rob leg it off - "with your man's messages after he's after coming out of Spar because - LAUGHTER ".
.
and she was so gee-eyed off her hoop that she didn't, "she walloped them with one of them yolks you lobbed out of Jacks.
"The guards found the poor girl hiding and shivering like an abused piebald in a hotpress inher gaff, "offering to give them the shift or the ride if they let her go.
"Ah, but you look, you know her yerself, she was grand, like.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Simple enough.
David, what was that again? Just the police are investigating an incident in a shop.
OK.
Um, Vic, do you have a mascot with you, today? I have, yes.
Do you know what, er, a spork is? Half spoon, half fork? That's what you think.
No.
I invented the spork.
It's half half a fork and half a spanner.
So, you can enjoy your biryani .
.
whilst tightening the nuts on your wheels.
So, I've brought that in - that's my invention.
Or I've got another one that I'm working on at the minute .
.
and it's, er .
.
it's a telescopic arm for removing chicken's eggs whilst they're in flight for freshness.
So, if there's a chicken flying up above, you can remove the egg.
It's extra fresh because it's in flight and it has not landed and started to go a bit off.
The chicken is a flightless bird.
I'll be the judge of that.
That and the spork.
- Aisling, have you got a mascot? - Well, I'm, um, a big believer in para-dressing.
So, I'm going to wear, for the show, er, this little number.
And it's likeit's called a traxedo and it's got all the trappings of a tracksuit, in that it's you know, there's a lounge-like quality to it, but then, there's a, sort of, formality and sense of occasion to it of a tuxedo.
- It's got, like, a little dicky bow at the side.
- Whoa.
Yeah.
So, people might be like, "Where's she off to? "Some sort of celebrity gala, perhaps?" - Or maybe to get married in Liverpool.
- Yeah.
AUDIENCE BOOS I've also got one for my, er, partner in crime here, the co-captain of the fun plane, as I say.
Jon, that's your one, there.
It's all right, Jon.
It's, sort of, like a cardigan.
What I've also done is, um, just to sort of relax us - get us in the mood - I've made us a little cocktail, um, just to, kind of, again it's just because I want to make it special.
So, I've, kind of, like, made us a little cocktail.
It's very humble in many ways.
It's just a couple of bits I've found in the kitchen.
Just, like, fresh berries, you know, um, a bit of Mr Muscle, some things like that.
Cos I often think if you can't handle a few kitchen products if you ingest them, like, you should really be drowned in a bag anyways.
Soso, these are just two little genius juices.
Here you go, Jon.
To feeling great! APPLAUSE Mm Jon, you look like a novelty stripper.
- Have you got a mascot today, Jon? - I was on my way here with my mascot.
My mascot this week was going to be my friend Ryan, who is a cow.
We started knocking about, he's got a good sense of humour, we get on.
Er, anyway, I was on my way into the studio, me and Ryan, and a farmer outside took a shine to Ryan, and said, "How about I keep Ryan and I give you these magic beans?" Who could resist an offer like that, Jimmy? Not me.
So, Ryan's on his arse and I've got some compost here - I always carry compost with me, you never know - - and I'm going to plant the magic beans - Yeah.
.
.
and we'll see what happens, Jimmy, throughout the show.
That's exciting, isn't it? If you're not a fan of word games, now you've got stay tuned.
There we go.
And we'll give them a little drink, so they grow all big and strong.
- Maybe you could put some genius juice on them.
- I'll pop a little bit of genius juice in there, as well.
- It can't do any harm, can it? - No.
What's the worst that can happen, eh, Jon? - Yes.
THEY LAUGH OK, Jon.
We'll keep an eye on your magic bean throughout the evening.
Sean, have you got amascot? Traxedos.
.
.
and, er, it's going to be a lighter.
No, I've got a mascot, Jimmy.
You know there's this current phenomena for, er, for adult colouring books? - You know, for grown-ups? - Yes! - Colouring books for grown-ups.
They're always, kind of, like, sort of, sweet butterflies and, sort of, pastoral scenes.
Well, I've come up with Sean's Gritty Colouring Book.
It's like a cross between a colouring book and a Ken Loach film.
So, you know, scenes that are more realistic.
This is a Hull benefits office.
Just Ian and Cath working today.
Because, obviously, the cut backs.
You can, you know, you can loosen up.
You can colour in the tattoos.
- Are there, are there any other scenes? - Yes.
Oh, there's loads of more scenes, Jimmy.
This one is an old people's home.
Um, Edna's asleep there.
Well, I think she's asleep.
You've got a lot of grey there with, er, the people, the food Apart from, of course, the panic button, which is a lovely bright red.
This is a bailiff on a .
.
on a council estate.
But what he doesn't know is behind that door, there's an ex-para with a pit bull and a samurai sword.
And this one is, er, a courthouse in Stockton-on-Tees.
Somebody's just been convicted and they're being taken away to serve their sentence.
A lot of people are rather excited about the court case.
- It's lovely, a real community spirit to that.
- Yes, there is, yes.
- A lot of people getting involved.
- A lot of fun.
A lot of fun can be had there.
Hours.
- Stockton-on-Tees? - Yes.
The widest high street in Britain.
Well, yes, yes, as you can see.
- There.
- That's not Stockton.
That's Regent Street.
I didn't think that would be the main criticism of it.
Yeah, anyways, so this is this book.
I think it'd be a lot of fun for adults and, er, some of the money goes to charity.
Not all of it, because I want some of it.
The very best of luck with that.
Sean Lock everyone, thank you.
Big heart, big heart.
He's basically all heart.
- He's a lovely man.
- Yeah.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's David O'Doherty.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE David O'Doherty is nature's answer to the question, "Have you got something bigger than a badger but smaller than a bear?" Er, with David, of course, Susie Dent.
I'm not saying Suzie's anecdotes about lexicography are boring, but it's illegal to talk to her whilst operating heavy machinery.
- Susie - Stop this, stop this.
I've been on the show a few times and this always happens, OK? - Yeah, I'm used to it.
- So, I think what we need is a more aggressive return, OK? - OK.
And I thought this might happen, so I've written some put-downs that you - you just need to slam back.
OK? - OK, well, I'll just do the next - Yeah, you do that one.
The only person who's put more people to sleep than Susie is the manager of Dignitas.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Jimmy, you look like the average man on the street and that street is Creepy Ventriloquist Doll Street in Weird-looking Town.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We've got two more of those, so if anything else comes We've got one more of those.
We're ready.
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
Rachel knew from an early age she wanted to use her maths skills to help people.
Help people waste their afternoon sitting on the sofa watching other people unjumble letters.
David, can I borrow one of those? - Yes.
- Oh, brilliant.
Hang on, hang on.
To Jimmy Carr is going to be a verb in the dictionary.
It means to expose yourself to the mourners in a pet cemetery.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE One time.
One time.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown Kayak.
Hi, guys.
Oh, that is, that is commitment to miming there.
OK, let's Countdown everyone.
Time for the first game - - Jon and Aisling, your turn to pick the letters.
- Oh.
- We'd like a consonant, I think, wouldn't we? - We would.
- Yep.
Right.
You can have aan N - Thank you.
- We'd like a vowel after that, please.
I - Oh.
- We'd like another consonant, please.
J We'd like a vowel, please.
A Oh! O-o-o-h! - Very exciting! - Will it be an L? Wha'? NIJAL We'd like a consonant, please.
Aw We'd like another consonant, please.
S Another vowel, please.
U And a consonant, please.
M - And a vowel, please.
- And the last one I OK.
And for the first time today, here is the Countdown Clock.
AUDIENCE CHEERS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
I appreciate it.
What have you got, Jon? I'll try a six.
Aisling? I have a seven.
And also quite a smug face.
Well done, you.
Er, Vic, what have you got? Seven.
Pretty sure that's not true.
Er, Sean.
- Six.
- Six, OK.
Sean, what's your six? JAUNTS JAUNTS - Yep.
- Jon, what's your six? I've just got a seven, which is the word that, er, is the actual spelling of the word I'm about to declare.
I've got MINUITS without the U in it.
I'm having a minor breakdown, Jimmy.
I've drunk - a lot of genius juice.
- Mm.
I don't think it's working.
I didI did test my genius juice on two mice and one of them was completely fine - watched an episode of Countdown, got all the numbers and words right.
The other one did go blind.
- So, I'm a bit worried.
- Aisling.
I'm going to try this.
I'm going to make a brave move here, Jimmy.
- OK, sure, be brave.
- I got JUMANSI You're going with an alternative spelling of a Robin Williams film.
- Yeah.
- That is brave.
Yeah.
And I think I'm going to let Susie, my good friend, fellow woman, decide.
- Help.
- Yeah, I mean, it's tricky to decide, because it's - It's not in.
- I'm seeing it.
I am seeing it - Yeah, you are.
- .
.
and Susie's not, soit's tricky.
Vic, what was your seven? STAMINAI Plural of STAMINA.
For a lot of people.
- Um - Is it not there? Well, it is, but it says mass noun.
So, stamina is there but you can't pluralise it.
Damn.
- OK.
Well, six points to Sean.
- Oh, no.
David, Susie, could they have done any better? - Yeah, there's a good seven - TSUNAMI.
- Jon just got that.
He's got it a little bit late, though.
Sorry, Jon.
So, at the end of that, Sean and Vic are in the lead with six.
Onto our first numbers round.
OK, Sean and Vic, your turn to pick the numbers.
Two from the top, four from everywhere else, please, Rachel.
Thank you, Sean.
Two big ones, four little ones.
4, 3, 9, 1, - 75 and 100.
- Good.
- Uh-oh.
- And the target, OK, and your time starts now.
- Sean, did you get it? - Yes.
Vic? - Yeah, I've got it.
- Very little faith in that, but OK.
- Jon, did you get it? - Yes.
- Aisling? - Close enough.
How close were you? Erenough to have a level of shame reserved for dogs who get their nose rubbed in their own piss.
OK, Sean, how'd you do it? 3 X 100 3 X 100 = 300 = 300 1 + 4 = 5 5 X 9 = 45 1 + 4, yeah = 5 45.
345.
I don't know what I'm writing! LAUGHTER Sorry, can wecan we just take a look at your SHE LAUGHS Vic, did you did you get it the same way? Er, no, I got it quite a different way.
Oh.
Well, go on, tell us how Vic did it.
Well, er, there's the 3 and then, you write the 4 down and then you take the 75, just get rid of the 7 and it leaves a 5.
That is a much quicker method.
APPLAUSE - Jon, did you get it the same way? - No, I did 100 + 75 175 X (3-1) 3 - 1 = 2 = 350 9 - 4 = 5 Yeah, well done.
APPLAUSE OK, ten points to both teams.
The scores at the moment, Jon and Aisling have 10, Sean and Vic have 16.
And here is your teaser.
The words are BUM SINGE.
The clue is - it's a peculiar feeling.
That's BUM SINGE - it's a peculiar feeling.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were BUM SINGE, the clue was - it's a peculiar feeling.
It was, of course, BEMUSING.
So, Sean and Vic are in the lead.
Time to mix things up now.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and Aisling.
So, Aisling, your turn to choose the letters.
Oh, right, OK.
Could I have two vowels, please? A and E.
Three consonants.
OK.
G, N and D.
Two more vowels, please.
O and E.
Two more consonants, please.
- Yep.
- Yeah.
- And B and G.
OK, and your time starts now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER APPLAUSE But with a knife.
Aisling, what have you got? Um I have got for you, Jimmy Be better at miming, Rachel.
I have a Rachel, are you signalling to me? LAUGHTER I'm trying to give her a seven-letter word.
The only one I've seen is BONDAGE.
- LAUGHTER - Yeah! Which is exactly what Igot as Yeah, BONDAGE is what I got.
That's why I took so long to say it cos I felt really restricted by the idea.
LAUGHTER - That's what I got.
- I think you should definitely go with that and not BONGO, which you had.
LAUGHTER - Oh, no.
- What did you get? You got BONGO? - No, I didn't.
- LAUGHTER - Did you get BONGO? - Obviously, the letters - You can't have BONGO, there's only one "O".
- Exactly, Sean.
You didn't get BONDAGE either, did you? Everyone's stabbing me in the back today.
- Everyone I thought was a friend - I'm afraid you're on the wrong team if you want to play hard and fast with the rules.
There are reasons we're all here today, and the minute you disrespect the rules of Countdown, you piss in the faces of everyone in this country over 60.
That sounds like quite a specialist website.
Sean - how many did you get? - Seven.
Well, let's hear your seven.
BONDAGE - No! - LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - I've got a niner.
- Well, it's not my fault that - Well, hang on.
Vic, what have you got? - A niner.
What's the niner? ONEBAGGED LAUGHTER You go in the supermarket and you get everything in one bag.
ONEBAGGED APPLAUSE I was choosing humour there.
I have six - BEGONE.
Six points to Sean.
APPLAUSE Could they have done any better, David and Susie? Well, I got I got a few good ones in Susie's handwriting on one of her bits of paper.
Dog Dog DOGBANE? - Yep.
- DOGBANE, of course.
The "Oh, DOGBANE!" LAUGHTER It's a plant that dogs - Poisonous, too.
- Poisonous.
Whoa! And And ENGAGED would be the other seven, but seven is all we got.
- Jon.
- Hello there.
Your magic beans.
Whoa! Something exciting is happening, Jimmy.
My beans have sprouted.
I think the - Genius Juice.
- .
.
Genius Juice might have helped.
So, I have a can of energy drink which I can only assume will, you know Oh, I don't know, Jon.
I'm a bit scared now.
Let's just see what happens, Jimmy.
LAUGHTER OK, so at the end of that, Jon and Aisling have ten, Sean and Vic have 22.
APPLAUSE Right.
Now time for Jon and Vic to go head to head in a round where Jon wins.
LAUGHTER OK, Vic, your turn to choose the numbers.
Thank you.
Can I have several numbers? LAUGHTER Anything in particular? Four from where you are, there, and one fromthen.
LAUGHTER - Put them up there.
- LAUGHTER 8, 4, 9, 5, 7 and 50 - and the target, - 494.
- Easy.
- LAUGHTER OK, and your time starts now.
So, the target was 494.
Vic, did you get it? THEY GIGGLE - Yeah.
- LAUGHTER Jon, did you get it? No, I got 492.
Well, Vic, how did you get it? 5 x 50 = 250 Yes.
250 + 8 250 + 8 = 258 Equals 258 LAUGHTER Correct.
LAUGHTER - That's as far as I got.
- LAUGHTER So, Jon, how did you get 492? Er 7 - 5 Oh, sorry.
9 - 7 = 2 9 - 7 = 2 2 x 5 - 2 x 5 = 10.
- 10 x 50 10 x 50 = 500 500 - 8 For two away.
7 points to Jon.
APPLAUSE It seemed like an easy one to me.
Did you get it as well? There were a few ways.
Yeah, I thought, yeah.
A couple of ways, yeah.
You could have said 50 + 5 = 55 55 x 9 = 495 and then 8 - 7 = 1 495 - 1 = 494 APPLAUSE OK.
So, time to go across now to Dictionary Corner.
David, what have you got for us? I thought I would just, you know, try and put a smile on some dials before we watch these dreadful ads.
LAUGHTER I thought I'd present my best jokes of the year so far.
HE PLAYS SOMBRE MELODY If Findus, the frozen-food brand, have a Facebook page, they could legitimately say Find-us on Facebook.
LAUGHTER It's been a pretty good year so far, do you know what I mean? APPLAUSE # I wonder if the band NSYNC Still all get their periods at the same time.
LAUGHTER I can't figure out if it would be adorable or sinister if Santa took selfies With all of the sleeping children of the world.
LAUGHTER I'm working on a movie at the moment, Susie.
It's a sequel to March Of The Penguins.
I'm going to call it April Of The Penguins.
LAUGHTER For me, the film that sounds the most like a dog saying "sausage reception" is definitely Shawshank Redemption.
LAUGHTER All ghosts are Welsh.
You can tell just from the accent.
Oh, whoa-oa LAUGHTER # Serena Williams' nickname Should be Tennis-see Williams.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Genius.
David O'Doherty, everyone CHEERING .
.
and his honourable skills.
OK, the scores at the moment - Jon and Aisling have 17, Sean and Vic have 22.
APPLAUSE And here's your teaser.
The words are GRIP NUTS.
The clue is - take aim and fire.
That's GRIP NUTS - take aim and fire.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were GRIP NUTS, the clue was take aim and fire.
It was, of course, SPURTING.
LAUGHTER Now, before we move on with the game, Vic, last time you were on, you did an incredible magic trick.
- It was aa floating shoe.
- A floating shoe, yes.
- Do you have any other tricks for us? - Yes, I have, Jimmy.
Now, let me tell you this story.
I was in, er I was in Cairo some years ago and I was sent by the British Government to dig up a lump of archaeology.
They said, "Go over and dig up this lump of archaeology "and we'll give you ?100,000.
" So, I did.
I went over and whilst I was over there, this mysterious character in Cairo with a cloak on and all, he says, "Here, hey, English, come over here.
" So I said, "Yeah, wh-what?' He says, "You want to buy an artefact off me?" - I said, "Yeah, what?" He says, "The Turin Shroud.
" - Wow.
The shroud that Jesus Christ the Saviour was buried in.
So I bought it for the ?100,000 that I was given by the British Government.
Some people say it's got magical properties.
And here is the Turin Shroud.
AISLING: Whoa! Is it the face of Christ, or is it the chief Bee Gee? LAUGHTER And has it got magical properties? No-one knows.
Is it the face of Christ? Or is it Billy Connolly? Who knows, but there you are.
Whoa! OK, Jon.
Your beanstalk, it's not looking great, if I'm honest.
Let's be honest.
He's done me, that farmer.
He's seen Ryan, he's thought, "I'm having a bit of that.
"I'll give him these beans.
" He's played me for a tosser.
It's game over for the beanstalk.
Well, it's one of those things.
You get ripped off sometimes.
- You were naive to buy it.
- Gutted.
OK, on with the game.
Sean and Vic, your turn to choose the letters.
OK.
Just do what you Do your thing, Rachel.
Just, jazz.
- RACHEL: U, F - JON: No need for that.
.
.
O S D - R - SEAN: R.
.
.
I A OK, and your time starts now.
Holy cow! - Whoa! - Look at the size of that beanstalk, Jimmy! Who knew? My goodness.
SEAN: Good rehearsal for later in your career as well, isn't it? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE JON: You shut up, ugly sisters.
I'd better climb this beast then, Jimmy.
I'm afraid, Aisling, you're going to have to do the rest of the show on your own.
I'm going to go and meet me a giant.
Be careful, Jon.
I'm worried about you.
Bye, everyone.
Bye, Jo Well, that's shagged that then, hasn't it? It wouldn't take my weight, Jimmy.
- What was that? - What did you do that for, you prick?! We've got to talk to someone about the special effects budget.
OK.
Jon, how many letters? - Er, six.
- Aisling.
- Aisling.
- Hm? How many letters did I get? In what, the game we just played? Yeah, in this game.
ErmI got, um, er, eight.
- Eight.
- Mm-hm.
OK.
Vic? - Five! - Sean? Five! OK.
What did you really get? AUDITORS Not what did David get and pass to you, what did you get? I got what he gave me and it was AUDITORS.
- You don't tell him! - You crack under interrogation quite easily, don't you? Yeah, I got a little help from a friend.
If it's not cool to have someone help you out, then I'm sorry, but I don't like this game! Yeah, I'm eating my words.
You're eating his words.
Well, let's see if she follows through with this.
OK, there's going to be no edit here.
We're going to watch this.
You know what, I'm so angry at you, I'm going to fucking swallow it as well.
Sean, what was your five? - TURFS.
- TURFS.
Vic, what was your five? Mine was FROST.
FROST, OK.
And, Jon? Er, ADRIFT.
- Mm, good one! - ADRIFT.
Well, six to Jon.
APPLAUSE I think I'm going to have to spit out the paper, because I feel a bit woozy from the pen ink.
- Can you put that in the bin for me, Jimmy? - Pop that straight in.
AUDIENCE GROANS I can see why you didn't finish that.
It's pretty gross.
Have you got an Irish accent? Have you caught an Irish accent off me? IRISH ACCENT: No, I don't think so.
Oh, no! So, could they have done any better, David, Susie? Aisling had a good one, AUDITOR.
I thought that was very good, Aisling.
Comes from the Latin, meaning to hear.
- The Latin to hear? - Yeah.
Could you Could you not say boring things during the show, because we're trying to make an entertaining - I've got one left.
- Yeah, I'll give you one more.
- Lay it on him, Dent.
Do you want to come at me first? LAUGHTER "Jimmy, your laugh is beautiful and by beautiful "I mean sounds like a balloon animal being violated by a fox.
" You win this time.
OK.
So, at the end of that, Jon and Aisling are in the lead with 23.
Onto another numbers round.
OK, Jon and Aisling, your turn to pick the numbers.
We'll take one big one and five small ones please, Rachel Riley.
RACHEL: Got the big one, getting the five small ones, and for this round, the five little ones, 6, 4, 7, 3, and 1, and the big one, 25, and the target, 752.
OK, and your time starts now.
Jon, did you get it? Sean, did you get it? - 751.
- Vic, did you get it? I got up to 25.
Aisling.
A lonely 700 for me, Jimmy.
Well, Jon, take us through how you did it.
6 + 4 = 10 RACHEL: 6 + 4 = 10 JON: 10 x 3 RACHEL: = 30.
JON: 30 x 25 RACHEL: = 750.
- JON: And add 1.
- RACHEL: Yeah, for one away, well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Same for Sean.
OK, seven points to both teams.
Rachel, could it be done? Yeah, it wasn't the easiest, but you could've said 25 x 4 = 100, add 6 and 1 for 107, times it by 7 for 749 and add the 3.
- Whoa! - APPLAUSE Well, it's pretty close tonight.
The scores at the moment, Sean and Vic have 29.
Jon and Aisling just in the lead with 30.
APPLAUSE Time to go across to Dictionary Corner one last time.
D-O-D, what have you got for us? I thought I would share with you, this is the most magical and mystical thing that has ever happened to me.
It's about three years ago and I did a gig and there was a free bar after the gig for an hour, and I lost my mind! I got home and maybe an hour and a half later, just when Do you know, I'm going to put toast on and never get it.
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! I go to bed with all of my clothes on, all of the lights on and this shitty keyboard in a sports bag on my back.
This is where the magic really happened, because I woke up maybe five hours later.
Somehow I wasn't wearing any clothes.
But there wasn't an opportunity to think about this because, to be honest, I needed to go to the loo, so I go and I'm sat on the loo, just ponder It's that silence of six in the morning and suddenly there comes to my ears the unmistakable sound of two coins hitting the water directly beneath where I'm sitting.
Immediately launched a CSI.
This is the only thing that possibly could've happened.
I must have got into bed in all of my clothes, there must have been coins in my pockets, some of which had cascaded out onto the mattress.
I must have got too hot during the night and taken off all of my clothes and slept directly upon those coins.
In fact, that's definitely what happened.
When I checked in the big mirror, there were perfect circular little Euro maps on my arse.
That's definitely what happened, case closed, and yet for one glorious moment, I thought, "Whoa! I can shit cash!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE David O'Doherty, everyone.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are ASS TRIPE, the clue is that sounds rough.
That's ASS TRIPE - that sounds rough.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were ASS TRIPE, the clue was "that sounds rough.
" It was, of course, RASPIEST.
Time for our final letters game, Jon and Aisling, your turn to choose the letters.
- Erm - Please.
Thank you.
Er, could we get, er, three vowels, please? - E.
- Yeah, an E.
- I.
- Great.
- A.
- A consonant, please.
- L.
- L, er, another consonant.
- D.
- A vowel.
- I.
- Yeah, and then one more consonant.
- P.
- Er, one more consonant.
- R.
- And then another vowel, please.
- E.
- OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
I love you, Jimmy.
I love you, Brian.
APPLAUSE Brian Belo there, from Big Brother 8.
Um, Aisling, how many did you get? Erm, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
- You've surprised yourself.
I really have.
- Jon, how many did you get? - Yes, I think a seven.
- Sean.
- Seven.
Seven, OK.
Vic? Seven.
- OK, what sevens did you get? - That's not one.
How do you know? Because I can spell.
LAUGHTER So, Vic, what was your seven? REPLAID When something was plaid, then it wasn't plaid, but then was REPLAID.
- It was, yeah.
- It's not there.
- NO! Sean, what's your seven? LIPREAD - Ooh! - Ooh! - It's hyphenated.
- Oh, God! Read my lips.
Bullshit.
Right, Rachel's fixed it.
- Aisling, what's your word? - PREDIAL.
- PREDIAL.
- It doesn't help that you've hyphenated it - as you've written it there.
- No! Stopstabbing me in the back.
It's brilliant.
It's actually there with nothing to do with phones and everything to do with slaves.
As in PREDIAL.
A PREDIAL slave was, um, one who was attached to farms or the land.
OK, erm, Jon.
I think there's a ballet term to plie and I think you can have done that in the past.
With two Es then.
This is tricky because in French, it would have the double E, but in English, I think it might just have one with an accent.
I I did my ballet training in English, as I think we all did.
It is the other way around because in French, it's got the double E.
OK.
Seven points to Aisling.
Oh, my God! Seven points.
Seven.
I can't believe it.
David, Susie, could they have done any better? Susie got REPLIED, which is another seven, but, no, Aisling is in the hot seat there with that.
OK.
Sean and Vic have 29, Jon and Aisling have 37.
You could still do this.
So, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
Sean, did you? I mean Well, let's see what it was.
APPLAUSE Well, nobody got the Conundrum.
So, the final scores are Sean and Vic have 29, but tonight's winners, with 37, Jon and Aisling! Congratulations.
You're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown kayak.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, if something is obliviable, then it's easy to forget.
I'm fairly confident I'm not obliviable and neither's Sean, and neither's the other one.
HE MOUTHS When Shakespeare moved house, he called his new house New Home.
Not very imaginative.
Although, fortunately, it was in a hamlet, which gave him a good idea.
And the Irish language has a different set of numbers to count inanimate objects rather than living things.
It goes one potato, two potato, three potato, four.
Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
Jon keeps his DVDs in alphabetical order, which means no matter what film he wants to watch, he can go to his DVD shelf and know instantly how anally retentive he is.
What do you do about "The" on a DVD? The Lord of the Rings - does it go under T or is it under L, The? It's one of the big questions.
You're in that one, aren't you? Aragorn, I am.
Oh, my God, I just saw myself.
And Jon's team-mate, Aisling Bea.
Aisling studied classical acting at the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Arts.
An esteemed institution that's produced some of the country's most well-respected baristas.
Up against them this evening, it's Sean Lock.
I'm not saying Sean is terrible at Countdown, but at the end of the last series, Susie Dent asked if it might be kinder if we held him back a year.
And Sean's teammate, Vic Reeves.
Vic Reeves is very much the nutter on the bus' nutter on the bus.
OK, Vic, you've got devoted fans.
Er, what's the weirdest thing you've been sent by one of your fans? We used to get sent a lot of vegetables, potatoes mainly.
But, no Edible knickers - we'd get sent them.
You would get chewing tobacco flavoured ones.
Beef and tomato, chicken and mushroom.
- OK.
- And eggs, we used to get sent eggs.
Are you mixing up fans with Ocado? I now really want to see Sean's Ocado order.
I'll just get some eggs and edible panties, this week.
- Um, Sean, you've achieved a lot in comedy.
- Thank you.
Have you ever considered have you ever considered a career change, Sean? Well, I've got so many qualities.
Er, it's very hard for me to choose.
I mean, I'm very, very good at walking backwards and telling people not to go to the toilet.
So, I think I'd make a great air steward.
Forget being Putin or Barrack Obama.
You know, that's real power.
"No, you're going to have to wait.
You can't go to the toilet.
" "Oh!" But, I mean, before I did this, of course, I had a career which, er, some people have very mixed feelings about.
I was a zoo keeper for six years.
AISLING GIGGLES A lot of people can't decide whether zoo keepers are goodies or baddies.
You know, you obviously love animals, but you keep them imprisoned.
I see myself as - genuinely, I had a good record as a zoo keeper.
Um, you know, none of them ever escaped.
A panda hung itself once.
I've never worked out how he got that belt in there.
OK, er, Jon, you're known for being a little bit grumpy.
What do you do to cheer yourself up? Um, the same as anyone, the suffering of others.
It's the only way we all cope, isn't it? Ultimately, someone's having a shitter time than you are and with YouTube, it's very often possible to watch that happening.
At least I'm not walking into a glass door like this dick.
Amazing afternoon, that's three hours gone there.
Aisling, are there any Irish words or phrases that we should be made aware of - that English people wouldn't know? There are lots of different phrases that, er, are technically English, but people don't understand.
Like, for example, my mother sent me a text today.
Actually, David, you could translate if they don't understand.
- Would you do that? - Yeah, no problem.
- OK.
So, I mean, it's fairly simple.
She was, like, "Hi, Aisling.
Well, didn't someone on the rob leg it off - "with your man's messages after he's after coming out of Spar because - LAUGHTER ".
.
and she was so gee-eyed off her hoop that she didn't, "she walloped them with one of them yolks you lobbed out of Jacks.
"The guards found the poor girl hiding and shivering like an abused piebald in a hotpress inher gaff, "offering to give them the shift or the ride if they let her go.
"Ah, but you look, you know her yerself, she was grand, like.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Simple enough.
David, what was that again? Just the police are investigating an incident in a shop.
OK.
Um, Vic, do you have a mascot with you, today? I have, yes.
Do you know what, er, a spork is? Half spoon, half fork? That's what you think.
No.
I invented the spork.
It's half half a fork and half a spanner.
So, you can enjoy your biryani .
.
whilst tightening the nuts on your wheels.
So, I've brought that in - that's my invention.
Or I've got another one that I'm working on at the minute .
.
and it's, er .
.
it's a telescopic arm for removing chicken's eggs whilst they're in flight for freshness.
So, if there's a chicken flying up above, you can remove the egg.
It's extra fresh because it's in flight and it has not landed and started to go a bit off.
The chicken is a flightless bird.
I'll be the judge of that.
That and the spork.
- Aisling, have you got a mascot? - Well, I'm, um, a big believer in para-dressing.
So, I'm going to wear, for the show, er, this little number.
And it's likeit's called a traxedo and it's got all the trappings of a tracksuit, in that it's you know, there's a lounge-like quality to it, but then, there's a, sort of, formality and sense of occasion to it of a tuxedo.
- It's got, like, a little dicky bow at the side.
- Whoa.
Yeah.
So, people might be like, "Where's she off to? "Some sort of celebrity gala, perhaps?" - Or maybe to get married in Liverpool.
- Yeah.
AUDIENCE BOOS I've also got one for my, er, partner in crime here, the co-captain of the fun plane, as I say.
Jon, that's your one, there.
It's all right, Jon.
It's, sort of, like a cardigan.
What I've also done is, um, just to sort of relax us - get us in the mood - I've made us a little cocktail, um, just to, kind of, again it's just because I want to make it special.
So, I've, kind of, like, made us a little cocktail.
It's very humble in many ways.
It's just a couple of bits I've found in the kitchen.
Just, like, fresh berries, you know, um, a bit of Mr Muscle, some things like that.
Cos I often think if you can't handle a few kitchen products if you ingest them, like, you should really be drowned in a bag anyways.
Soso, these are just two little genius juices.
Here you go, Jon.
To feeling great! APPLAUSE Mm Jon, you look like a novelty stripper.
- Have you got a mascot today, Jon? - I was on my way here with my mascot.
My mascot this week was going to be my friend Ryan, who is a cow.
We started knocking about, he's got a good sense of humour, we get on.
Er, anyway, I was on my way into the studio, me and Ryan, and a farmer outside took a shine to Ryan, and said, "How about I keep Ryan and I give you these magic beans?" Who could resist an offer like that, Jimmy? Not me.
So, Ryan's on his arse and I've got some compost here - I always carry compost with me, you never know - - and I'm going to plant the magic beans - Yeah.
.
.
and we'll see what happens, Jimmy, throughout the show.
That's exciting, isn't it? If you're not a fan of word games, now you've got stay tuned.
There we go.
And we'll give them a little drink, so they grow all big and strong.
- Maybe you could put some genius juice on them.
- I'll pop a little bit of genius juice in there, as well.
- It can't do any harm, can it? - No.
What's the worst that can happen, eh, Jon? - Yes.
THEY LAUGH OK, Jon.
We'll keep an eye on your magic bean throughout the evening.
Sean, have you got amascot? Traxedos.
.
.
and, er, it's going to be a lighter.
No, I've got a mascot, Jimmy.
You know there's this current phenomena for, er, for adult colouring books? - You know, for grown-ups? - Yes! - Colouring books for grown-ups.
They're always, kind of, like, sort of, sweet butterflies and, sort of, pastoral scenes.
Well, I've come up with Sean's Gritty Colouring Book.
It's like a cross between a colouring book and a Ken Loach film.
So, you know, scenes that are more realistic.
This is a Hull benefits office.
Just Ian and Cath working today.
Because, obviously, the cut backs.
You can, you know, you can loosen up.
You can colour in the tattoos.
- Are there, are there any other scenes? - Yes.
Oh, there's loads of more scenes, Jimmy.
This one is an old people's home.
Um, Edna's asleep there.
Well, I think she's asleep.
You've got a lot of grey there with, er, the people, the food Apart from, of course, the panic button, which is a lovely bright red.
This is a bailiff on a .
.
on a council estate.
But what he doesn't know is behind that door, there's an ex-para with a pit bull and a samurai sword.
And this one is, er, a courthouse in Stockton-on-Tees.
Somebody's just been convicted and they're being taken away to serve their sentence.
A lot of people are rather excited about the court case.
- It's lovely, a real community spirit to that.
- Yes, there is, yes.
- A lot of people getting involved.
- A lot of fun.
A lot of fun can be had there.
Hours.
- Stockton-on-Tees? - Yes.
The widest high street in Britain.
Well, yes, yes, as you can see.
- There.
- That's not Stockton.
That's Regent Street.
I didn't think that would be the main criticism of it.
Yeah, anyways, so this is this book.
I think it'd be a lot of fun for adults and, er, some of the money goes to charity.
Not all of it, because I want some of it.
The very best of luck with that.
Sean Lock everyone, thank you.
Big heart, big heart.
He's basically all heart.
- He's a lovely man.
- Yeah.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's David O'Doherty.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE David O'Doherty is nature's answer to the question, "Have you got something bigger than a badger but smaller than a bear?" Er, with David, of course, Susie Dent.
I'm not saying Suzie's anecdotes about lexicography are boring, but it's illegal to talk to her whilst operating heavy machinery.
- Susie - Stop this, stop this.
I've been on the show a few times and this always happens, OK? - Yeah, I'm used to it.
- So, I think what we need is a more aggressive return, OK? - OK.
And I thought this might happen, so I've written some put-downs that you - you just need to slam back.
OK? - OK, well, I'll just do the next - Yeah, you do that one.
The only person who's put more people to sleep than Susie is the manager of Dignitas.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Jimmy, you look like the average man on the street and that street is Creepy Ventriloquist Doll Street in Weird-looking Town.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We've got two more of those, so if anything else comes We've got one more of those.
We're ready.
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
Rachel knew from an early age she wanted to use her maths skills to help people.
Help people waste their afternoon sitting on the sofa watching other people unjumble letters.
David, can I borrow one of those? - Yes.
- Oh, brilliant.
Hang on, hang on.
To Jimmy Carr is going to be a verb in the dictionary.
It means to expose yourself to the mourners in a pet cemetery.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE One time.
One time.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown Kayak.
Hi, guys.
Oh, that is, that is commitment to miming there.
OK, let's Countdown everyone.
Time for the first game - - Jon and Aisling, your turn to pick the letters.
- Oh.
- We'd like a consonant, I think, wouldn't we? - We would.
- Yep.
Right.
You can have aan N - Thank you.
- We'd like a vowel after that, please.
I - Oh.
- We'd like another consonant, please.
J We'd like a vowel, please.
A Oh! O-o-o-h! - Very exciting! - Will it be an L? Wha'? NIJAL We'd like a consonant, please.
Aw We'd like another consonant, please.
S Another vowel, please.
U And a consonant, please.
M - And a vowel, please.
- And the last one I OK.
And for the first time today, here is the Countdown Clock.
AUDIENCE CHEERS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
I appreciate it.
What have you got, Jon? I'll try a six.
Aisling? I have a seven.
And also quite a smug face.
Well done, you.
Er, Vic, what have you got? Seven.
Pretty sure that's not true.
Er, Sean.
- Six.
- Six, OK.
Sean, what's your six? JAUNTS JAUNTS - Yep.
- Jon, what's your six? I've just got a seven, which is the word that, er, is the actual spelling of the word I'm about to declare.
I've got MINUITS without the U in it.
I'm having a minor breakdown, Jimmy.
I've drunk - a lot of genius juice.
- Mm.
I don't think it's working.
I didI did test my genius juice on two mice and one of them was completely fine - watched an episode of Countdown, got all the numbers and words right.
The other one did go blind.
- So, I'm a bit worried.
- Aisling.
I'm going to try this.
I'm going to make a brave move here, Jimmy.
- OK, sure, be brave.
- I got JUMANSI You're going with an alternative spelling of a Robin Williams film.
- Yeah.
- That is brave.
Yeah.
And I think I'm going to let Susie, my good friend, fellow woman, decide.
- Help.
- Yeah, I mean, it's tricky to decide, because it's - It's not in.
- I'm seeing it.
I am seeing it - Yeah, you are.
- .
.
and Susie's not, soit's tricky.
Vic, what was your seven? STAMINAI Plural of STAMINA.
For a lot of people.
- Um - Is it not there? Well, it is, but it says mass noun.
So, stamina is there but you can't pluralise it.
Damn.
- OK.
Well, six points to Sean.
- Oh, no.
David, Susie, could they have done any better? - Yeah, there's a good seven - TSUNAMI.
- Jon just got that.
He's got it a little bit late, though.
Sorry, Jon.
So, at the end of that, Sean and Vic are in the lead with six.
Onto our first numbers round.
OK, Sean and Vic, your turn to pick the numbers.
Two from the top, four from everywhere else, please, Rachel.
Thank you, Sean.
Two big ones, four little ones.
4, 3, 9, 1, - 75 and 100.
- Good.
- Uh-oh.
- And the target, OK, and your time starts now.
- Sean, did you get it? - Yes.
Vic? - Yeah, I've got it.
- Very little faith in that, but OK.
- Jon, did you get it? - Yes.
- Aisling? - Close enough.
How close were you? Erenough to have a level of shame reserved for dogs who get their nose rubbed in their own piss.
OK, Sean, how'd you do it? 3 X 100 3 X 100 = 300 = 300 1 + 4 = 5 5 X 9 = 45 1 + 4, yeah = 5 45.
345.
I don't know what I'm writing! LAUGHTER Sorry, can wecan we just take a look at your SHE LAUGHS Vic, did you did you get it the same way? Er, no, I got it quite a different way.
Oh.
Well, go on, tell us how Vic did it.
Well, er, there's the 3 and then, you write the 4 down and then you take the 75, just get rid of the 7 and it leaves a 5.
That is a much quicker method.
APPLAUSE - Jon, did you get it the same way? - No, I did 100 + 75 175 X (3-1) 3 - 1 = 2 = 350 9 - 4 = 5 Yeah, well done.
APPLAUSE OK, ten points to both teams.
The scores at the moment, Jon and Aisling have 10, Sean and Vic have 16.
And here is your teaser.
The words are BUM SINGE.
The clue is - it's a peculiar feeling.
That's BUM SINGE - it's a peculiar feeling.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were BUM SINGE, the clue was - it's a peculiar feeling.
It was, of course, BEMUSING.
So, Sean and Vic are in the lead.
Time to mix things up now.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and Aisling.
So, Aisling, your turn to choose the letters.
Oh, right, OK.
Could I have two vowels, please? A and E.
Three consonants.
OK.
G, N and D.
Two more vowels, please.
O and E.
Two more consonants, please.
- Yep.
- Yeah.
- And B and G.
OK, and your time starts now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER APPLAUSE But with a knife.
Aisling, what have you got? Um I have got for you, Jimmy Be better at miming, Rachel.
I have a Rachel, are you signalling to me? LAUGHTER I'm trying to give her a seven-letter word.
The only one I've seen is BONDAGE.
- LAUGHTER - Yeah! Which is exactly what Igot as Yeah, BONDAGE is what I got.
That's why I took so long to say it cos I felt really restricted by the idea.
LAUGHTER - That's what I got.
- I think you should definitely go with that and not BONGO, which you had.
LAUGHTER - Oh, no.
- What did you get? You got BONGO? - No, I didn't.
- LAUGHTER - Did you get BONGO? - Obviously, the letters - You can't have BONGO, there's only one "O".
- Exactly, Sean.
You didn't get BONDAGE either, did you? Everyone's stabbing me in the back today.
- Everyone I thought was a friend - I'm afraid you're on the wrong team if you want to play hard and fast with the rules.
There are reasons we're all here today, and the minute you disrespect the rules of Countdown, you piss in the faces of everyone in this country over 60.
That sounds like quite a specialist website.
Sean - how many did you get? - Seven.
Well, let's hear your seven.
BONDAGE - No! - LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - I've got a niner.
- Well, it's not my fault that - Well, hang on.
Vic, what have you got? - A niner.
What's the niner? ONEBAGGED LAUGHTER You go in the supermarket and you get everything in one bag.
ONEBAGGED APPLAUSE I was choosing humour there.
I have six - BEGONE.
Six points to Sean.
APPLAUSE Could they have done any better, David and Susie? Well, I got I got a few good ones in Susie's handwriting on one of her bits of paper.
Dog Dog DOGBANE? - Yep.
- DOGBANE, of course.
The "Oh, DOGBANE!" LAUGHTER It's a plant that dogs - Poisonous, too.
- Poisonous.
Whoa! And And ENGAGED would be the other seven, but seven is all we got.
- Jon.
- Hello there.
Your magic beans.
Whoa! Something exciting is happening, Jimmy.
My beans have sprouted.
I think the - Genius Juice.
- .
.
Genius Juice might have helped.
So, I have a can of energy drink which I can only assume will, you know Oh, I don't know, Jon.
I'm a bit scared now.
Let's just see what happens, Jimmy.
LAUGHTER OK, so at the end of that, Jon and Aisling have ten, Sean and Vic have 22.
APPLAUSE Right.
Now time for Jon and Vic to go head to head in a round where Jon wins.
LAUGHTER OK, Vic, your turn to choose the numbers.
Thank you.
Can I have several numbers? LAUGHTER Anything in particular? Four from where you are, there, and one fromthen.
LAUGHTER - Put them up there.
- LAUGHTER 8, 4, 9, 5, 7 and 50 - and the target, - 494.
- Easy.
- LAUGHTER OK, and your time starts now.
So, the target was 494.
Vic, did you get it? THEY GIGGLE - Yeah.
- LAUGHTER Jon, did you get it? No, I got 492.
Well, Vic, how did you get it? 5 x 50 = 250 Yes.
250 + 8 250 + 8 = 258 Equals 258 LAUGHTER Correct.
LAUGHTER - That's as far as I got.
- LAUGHTER So, Jon, how did you get 492? Er 7 - 5 Oh, sorry.
9 - 7 = 2 9 - 7 = 2 2 x 5 - 2 x 5 = 10.
- 10 x 50 10 x 50 = 500 500 - 8 For two away.
7 points to Jon.
APPLAUSE It seemed like an easy one to me.
Did you get it as well? There were a few ways.
Yeah, I thought, yeah.
A couple of ways, yeah.
You could have said 50 + 5 = 55 55 x 9 = 495 and then 8 - 7 = 1 495 - 1 = 494 APPLAUSE OK.
So, time to go across now to Dictionary Corner.
David, what have you got for us? I thought I would just, you know, try and put a smile on some dials before we watch these dreadful ads.
LAUGHTER I thought I'd present my best jokes of the year so far.
HE PLAYS SOMBRE MELODY If Findus, the frozen-food brand, have a Facebook page, they could legitimately say Find-us on Facebook.
LAUGHTER It's been a pretty good year so far, do you know what I mean? APPLAUSE # I wonder if the band NSYNC Still all get their periods at the same time.
LAUGHTER I can't figure out if it would be adorable or sinister if Santa took selfies With all of the sleeping children of the world.
LAUGHTER I'm working on a movie at the moment, Susie.
It's a sequel to March Of The Penguins.
I'm going to call it April Of The Penguins.
LAUGHTER For me, the film that sounds the most like a dog saying "sausage reception" is definitely Shawshank Redemption.
LAUGHTER All ghosts are Welsh.
You can tell just from the accent.
Oh, whoa-oa LAUGHTER # Serena Williams' nickname Should be Tennis-see Williams.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Genius.
David O'Doherty, everyone CHEERING .
.
and his honourable skills.
OK, the scores at the moment - Jon and Aisling have 17, Sean and Vic have 22.
APPLAUSE And here's your teaser.
The words are GRIP NUTS.
The clue is - take aim and fire.
That's GRIP NUTS - take aim and fire.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were GRIP NUTS, the clue was take aim and fire.
It was, of course, SPURTING.
LAUGHTER Now, before we move on with the game, Vic, last time you were on, you did an incredible magic trick.
- It was aa floating shoe.
- A floating shoe, yes.
- Do you have any other tricks for us? - Yes, I have, Jimmy.
Now, let me tell you this story.
I was in, er I was in Cairo some years ago and I was sent by the British Government to dig up a lump of archaeology.
They said, "Go over and dig up this lump of archaeology "and we'll give you ?100,000.
" So, I did.
I went over and whilst I was over there, this mysterious character in Cairo with a cloak on and all, he says, "Here, hey, English, come over here.
" So I said, "Yeah, wh-what?' He says, "You want to buy an artefact off me?" - I said, "Yeah, what?" He says, "The Turin Shroud.
" - Wow.
The shroud that Jesus Christ the Saviour was buried in.
So I bought it for the ?100,000 that I was given by the British Government.
Some people say it's got magical properties.
And here is the Turin Shroud.
AISLING: Whoa! Is it the face of Christ, or is it the chief Bee Gee? LAUGHTER And has it got magical properties? No-one knows.
Is it the face of Christ? Or is it Billy Connolly? Who knows, but there you are.
Whoa! OK, Jon.
Your beanstalk, it's not looking great, if I'm honest.
Let's be honest.
He's done me, that farmer.
He's seen Ryan, he's thought, "I'm having a bit of that.
"I'll give him these beans.
" He's played me for a tosser.
It's game over for the beanstalk.
Well, it's one of those things.
You get ripped off sometimes.
- You were naive to buy it.
- Gutted.
OK, on with the game.
Sean and Vic, your turn to choose the letters.
OK.
Just do what you Do your thing, Rachel.
Just, jazz.
- RACHEL: U, F - JON: No need for that.
.
.
O S D - R - SEAN: R.
.
.
I A OK, and your time starts now.
Holy cow! - Whoa! - Look at the size of that beanstalk, Jimmy! Who knew? My goodness.
SEAN: Good rehearsal for later in your career as well, isn't it? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE JON: You shut up, ugly sisters.
I'd better climb this beast then, Jimmy.
I'm afraid, Aisling, you're going to have to do the rest of the show on your own.
I'm going to go and meet me a giant.
Be careful, Jon.
I'm worried about you.
Bye, everyone.
Bye, Jo Well, that's shagged that then, hasn't it? It wouldn't take my weight, Jimmy.
- What was that? - What did you do that for, you prick?! We've got to talk to someone about the special effects budget.
OK.
Jon, how many letters? - Er, six.
- Aisling.
- Aisling.
- Hm? How many letters did I get? In what, the game we just played? Yeah, in this game.
ErmI got, um, er, eight.
- Eight.
- Mm-hm.
OK.
Vic? - Five! - Sean? Five! OK.
What did you really get? AUDITORS Not what did David get and pass to you, what did you get? I got what he gave me and it was AUDITORS.
- You don't tell him! - You crack under interrogation quite easily, don't you? Yeah, I got a little help from a friend.
If it's not cool to have someone help you out, then I'm sorry, but I don't like this game! Yeah, I'm eating my words.
You're eating his words.
Well, let's see if she follows through with this.
OK, there's going to be no edit here.
We're going to watch this.
You know what, I'm so angry at you, I'm going to fucking swallow it as well.
Sean, what was your five? - TURFS.
- TURFS.
Vic, what was your five? Mine was FROST.
FROST, OK.
And, Jon? Er, ADRIFT.
- Mm, good one! - ADRIFT.
Well, six to Jon.
APPLAUSE I think I'm going to have to spit out the paper, because I feel a bit woozy from the pen ink.
- Can you put that in the bin for me, Jimmy? - Pop that straight in.
AUDIENCE GROANS I can see why you didn't finish that.
It's pretty gross.
Have you got an Irish accent? Have you caught an Irish accent off me? IRISH ACCENT: No, I don't think so.
Oh, no! So, could they have done any better, David, Susie? Aisling had a good one, AUDITOR.
I thought that was very good, Aisling.
Comes from the Latin, meaning to hear.
- The Latin to hear? - Yeah.
Could you Could you not say boring things during the show, because we're trying to make an entertaining - I've got one left.
- Yeah, I'll give you one more.
- Lay it on him, Dent.
Do you want to come at me first? LAUGHTER "Jimmy, your laugh is beautiful and by beautiful "I mean sounds like a balloon animal being violated by a fox.
" You win this time.
OK.
So, at the end of that, Jon and Aisling are in the lead with 23.
Onto another numbers round.
OK, Jon and Aisling, your turn to pick the numbers.
We'll take one big one and five small ones please, Rachel Riley.
RACHEL: Got the big one, getting the five small ones, and for this round, the five little ones, 6, 4, 7, 3, and 1, and the big one, 25, and the target, 752.
OK, and your time starts now.
Jon, did you get it? Sean, did you get it? - 751.
- Vic, did you get it? I got up to 25.
Aisling.
A lonely 700 for me, Jimmy.
Well, Jon, take us through how you did it.
6 + 4 = 10 RACHEL: 6 + 4 = 10 JON: 10 x 3 RACHEL: = 30.
JON: 30 x 25 RACHEL: = 750.
- JON: And add 1.
- RACHEL: Yeah, for one away, well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Same for Sean.
OK, seven points to both teams.
Rachel, could it be done? Yeah, it wasn't the easiest, but you could've said 25 x 4 = 100, add 6 and 1 for 107, times it by 7 for 749 and add the 3.
- Whoa! - APPLAUSE Well, it's pretty close tonight.
The scores at the moment, Sean and Vic have 29.
Jon and Aisling just in the lead with 30.
APPLAUSE Time to go across to Dictionary Corner one last time.
D-O-D, what have you got for us? I thought I would share with you, this is the most magical and mystical thing that has ever happened to me.
It's about three years ago and I did a gig and there was a free bar after the gig for an hour, and I lost my mind! I got home and maybe an hour and a half later, just when Do you know, I'm going to put toast on and never get it.
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! I go to bed with all of my clothes on, all of the lights on and this shitty keyboard in a sports bag on my back.
This is where the magic really happened, because I woke up maybe five hours later.
Somehow I wasn't wearing any clothes.
But there wasn't an opportunity to think about this because, to be honest, I needed to go to the loo, so I go and I'm sat on the loo, just ponder It's that silence of six in the morning and suddenly there comes to my ears the unmistakable sound of two coins hitting the water directly beneath where I'm sitting.
Immediately launched a CSI.
This is the only thing that possibly could've happened.
I must have got into bed in all of my clothes, there must have been coins in my pockets, some of which had cascaded out onto the mattress.
I must have got too hot during the night and taken off all of my clothes and slept directly upon those coins.
In fact, that's definitely what happened.
When I checked in the big mirror, there were perfect circular little Euro maps on my arse.
That's definitely what happened, case closed, and yet for one glorious moment, I thought, "Whoa! I can shit cash!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE David O'Doherty, everyone.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are ASS TRIPE, the clue is that sounds rough.
That's ASS TRIPE - that sounds rough.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were ASS TRIPE, the clue was "that sounds rough.
" It was, of course, RASPIEST.
Time for our final letters game, Jon and Aisling, your turn to choose the letters.
- Erm - Please.
Thank you.
Er, could we get, er, three vowels, please? - E.
- Yeah, an E.
- I.
- Great.
- A.
- A consonant, please.
- L.
- L, er, another consonant.
- D.
- A vowel.
- I.
- Yeah, and then one more consonant.
- P.
- Er, one more consonant.
- R.
- And then another vowel, please.
- E.
- OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
I love you, Jimmy.
I love you, Brian.
APPLAUSE Brian Belo there, from Big Brother 8.
Um, Aisling, how many did you get? Erm, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
- You've surprised yourself.
I really have.
- Jon, how many did you get? - Yes, I think a seven.
- Sean.
- Seven.
Seven, OK.
Vic? Seven.
- OK, what sevens did you get? - That's not one.
How do you know? Because I can spell.
LAUGHTER So, Vic, what was your seven? REPLAID When something was plaid, then it wasn't plaid, but then was REPLAID.
- It was, yeah.
- It's not there.
- NO! Sean, what's your seven? LIPREAD - Ooh! - Ooh! - It's hyphenated.
- Oh, God! Read my lips.
Bullshit.
Right, Rachel's fixed it.
- Aisling, what's your word? - PREDIAL.
- PREDIAL.
- It doesn't help that you've hyphenated it - as you've written it there.
- No! Stopstabbing me in the back.
It's brilliant.
It's actually there with nothing to do with phones and everything to do with slaves.
As in PREDIAL.
A PREDIAL slave was, um, one who was attached to farms or the land.
OK, erm, Jon.
I think there's a ballet term to plie and I think you can have done that in the past.
With two Es then.
This is tricky because in French, it would have the double E, but in English, I think it might just have one with an accent.
I I did my ballet training in English, as I think we all did.
It is the other way around because in French, it's got the double E.
OK.
Seven points to Aisling.
Oh, my God! Seven points.
Seven.
I can't believe it.
David, Susie, could they have done any better? Susie got REPLIED, which is another seven, but, no, Aisling is in the hot seat there with that.
OK.
Sean and Vic have 29, Jon and Aisling have 37.
You could still do this.
So, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
Sean, did you? I mean Well, let's see what it was.
APPLAUSE Well, nobody got the Conundrum.
So, the final scores are Sean and Vic have 29, but tonight's winners, with 37, Jon and Aisling! Congratulations.
You're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown kayak.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.