All In The Family s07e05 Episode Script
The Unemployment Story (2)
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days You're gonna be glad I went shoppin' with ya, Edith, when you see how much money I keep you from spending.
Oh, you just wait and see! Would youse look at the height of the prices on them shelves? The whole world's going to hell in a shopping basket.
Archie, I told ya so.
Just remember, I'm unemployed, Edith.
Don't be grabbin' with both hands! Don't be spending my money faster than I ain't earning it! Why are we shopping in Ferguson's, anyway? Fergusons' is crooks! Archie! It's a nice place, and it's in the neighborhood.
Yeah, there better be a poorhouse in the neighborhood.
What is that? Wait a minute, why is beans 49 cents a can? Because it's on sale.
The regular price is 53 cents.
Unless you find a dented can, then it's 2 cents cheaper.
Uh, Edith, go get bread.
Bread.
Over there.
Over there.
All right.
Yeah.
I killed a roach there.
Look at this.
I found a couple of dented cans of beans.
Oh! You're a good shopper.
Look at the price on this here bread, Take it back and buy the 11 cent bread we always eat.
Archie, bread ain't been Not since you went in the service, that was 1942.
Oh, jeez, 1942.
I want to tell ya, them was the days, Edith, them was the days.
Boy, everybody in the country was workin', plenty of money in everybody's pocket, that's 'cause we had a beautiful war going for us then.
Look at everything nowadays, huh? Boy, millions of people out of work, no money in their pockets like me, we're selling all our wheat-- the Russkies got the 11 cent bread, we got the 50 cent bread.
I wanna tell ya, this country's in trouble every time there's an outbreak of peace! I wanna show you something about the bread here.
Oh, no, don't do that! They say on TV you shouldn't squeeze the bread.
To hell with the TV.
I'm showin' ya something here.
You test bread for fresh the same as you test a cigar.
See, you squeeze it, and you listen.
- See what I mean? - Is it fresh? Yeah, yeah, see? And then when you find a fresh one, you put back the one you squeeze, you grab another loaf.
[MUTTERING.]
Shh! Don't you know people have to eat that after you? What're you doing now, Edith? Oh, I'm listening to the peas.
You're probably the only woman in the world that peas talk to.
What're they saying? Well, you see, if you listen to 'em, you can tell by the noise which can has more peas than water.
Why don't you do that with the beans here? Well, the beans don't make no noise.
Yeah, that's true-- in the store they don't.
Hey.
Froot Loops.
Don't forget the Froot Loops.
Oh, yeah.
Hurry up.
They're way over there.
Way over there.
Handle's comin' off here, that's See how lousy people are, Edith? Somebody tore open a whole bag of licorice bits there.
Archie, you shouldn't eat 'em.
Why the hell not? Once they're open, they go bad, don't they? Oh, jeez, oh.
What's the matter, Archie? [GROANING.]
What's the matter-- is it your gall stones? No, no, no.
If it's anything, it's the licorice.
I told you, I ain't got no gall stones.
Well, Dr.
Shapiro told ya you did.
Until I told Dr.
Shapiro I didn't.
Let's not have no more arguments.
Come on, finish up, let's get out of here, huh? I gotta get your Twinkies.
If they don't have the Twinkies Don't--If they don't have the Twinkies, get Ding Dongs or Devil Dogs.
Hey.
When you're passing the hardware, return this, will ya? I changed my mind about that item, see.
And Edith, we need eggs.
I bought eggs! I don't see no eggs in there.
Well, I'm sure-- Okay there, girlie.
Ya think we can get an honest count, or is that against the policy of the store? [BEEPING.]
Wait, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait, wait! Wait a minute.
Watch what you hit-and-run on the keys there.
What's with the holding hands? I ought to be able to hold more than that for what you're charging in here.
Look, what's the complaint? The complaint is, there, that you're banging up the numbers there-- you ain't even looking at the price on the item.
We're trained to know the prices.
Well, let's see how good you train then.
How much is this here? Wrong--57.
Thank you.
Aw, jeez.
Here.
I got your Twinkies and some cranberries.
Why did you get two cans of cranberries? Well, Thanksgiving is coming.
So is Christmas-- I ain't buying a tree.
But they're on sale.
Two for 81 cents.
All right.
How much is one? I'll take the 40 cent one.
GLORIA: Ma! Daddy! Gloria! I'm so glad I found you.
Is Joey all right? Oh, yeah, Joey's fine.
Mrs.
Rehnquist is taking care of him.
But I was out in the yard, and I heard your phone ringing.
And it was for you, Daddy.
Who was it? Is Joey at Mrs.
Rehnquist's house, or is Mrs.
Rehnquist over at your house? Wh-who was on-- Joey's over at Mrs.
Rehnquist's.
Who was it? Oh, I don't think you should leave Joey with Mrs.
Rehnquist.
Why not? Who was it? Well, he don't like her.
He won't even make a boom-boom for her.
You want me to make a boom-boom right here? What the hell are you looking at? I didn't make it yet.
Who was it on the phone? Daddy, it was a phone call about a job for you.
A job? Well, not exactly a job yet.
It's an interview for one at 2:00.
This is the address.
Give it to me.
Let me out of here, will ya? And look out for her, will ya? That's Lady Goldfingers over there.
She changes prices.
I caught her in a near misdemeanus.
[INAUDIBLE.]
Well, good afternoon there, sis.
My name is Archie Bunker.
I believe I have an appointment.
It'll be just a moment.
Maloney in there? Just have a seat, please.
Yeah, all right.
Oh, uh, I come about the job there, Mr.
Maloney.
I'm not Mr.
Maloney.
And by the way, Maloney is not a mister.
Oh, what is he? One of these here guys? No.
Maloney is a "Ms.
" Oh, worse yet.
And I'm waiting to hear about the same job.
You're here about the job? No kidding, I mean, you know You don't, kind of, look the type there.
Uh, I'm just looking at the initials on your monogrome there.
"F.
E.
" When I was a kid, I knew another kid, F.
E.
Farley Epstein.
I'm Frank Edwards.
I'm Archie Bunker.
Uh, hey, listen-- What questions did she ask you there? Oh, the usual-- name, address, age.
All them I can answer.
Previous experience.
College degrees.
You've been to college? Yes, William and Mary.
Two of them, huh? I only just barely finished high school myself.
Jeez, what am I doing here? I ain't got a prayer.
Well, you may be more qualified for this job than I am.
What is the job? They call it "custodian.
" Aah, that means BOTH: Janitor.
How come a guy like you is going out for a job like that? I haven't worked for three years.
I've run out of my unemployment insurance, and I can't get a job 'cause I'm too damn old.
Oh, uh, well, how old are you? Jeez, uh, I'm pretty nearly that myself.
Mr.
Bunker? Yeah.
Miss Maloney will see you now.
Oh.
Okay, see you later there, Frank.
Right in, huh? Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Thank you very much.
Nothing personal, hon.
[KNOCKS.]
Come in, please.
Have a seat, Mr.
Bunker.
Yeah.
Thank you very much, Mrs.
-- Ms.
Oh, sorry, Ms.
--I can never get used to that baloney.
I mean, excuse me, Ms.
Maloney.
Let's make this short and to the point.
You are Archibald Bunker.
That's right.
And your age is 52.
Well, uh, just barely.
Uh, he's a college guy out there, huh? Oh, Mr.
Edwards? I'm afraid he's overqualified.
We'd spend our time and money breaking him in-- if a better job came along, a college man would leave us flat.
Oh, they do it every time.
We find that the best person for this job is a man lacking in skill and knowledge.
Ah, well, you're looking at him, you're looking at him.
Now, you'll have to answer a few personal questions.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Shoot.
Do you drink? Does beer count? Yes.
No.
Have you ever been in trouble with the police? No.
We can check this with computers in a matter of minutes.
Well, you don't have to do that.
In fact, a couple years ago, my old platoon WW2 was having a reunion, you know.
And we was up in a hotel room, the guys kidding around, some pinko calls the cops.
All we was doing up there-- we was dangling Shorty Benson out a window by his ankles.
And the funny part of it is-- Shorty was the only guy arrested there 'cause he didn't have no pants on.
But you were not arrested? I had my pants on the whole time.
Mr.
Bunker, the job pays $3.
90 an hour.
$3.
90 an hour? Where is it, in Puerto Rico? Close.
97th Street and 3rd Avenue.
Oh.
Don't you want the job, Mr.
Bunker? Oh, yeah, hey.
Gracias for the job.
I mean, you know It's honest work and buys the groceries, right? When do I start? You start tomorrow morning.
Pick up a W-4 form from the receptionist, and she'll tell you where to check in.
Okay, well, thank you.
Thank you very much there, Ms.
Maloney.
You're a good guy.
Oh, hi there, Frank.
Listen, I got good news and bad news.
I got the job, and you didn't.
Good luck, Bunker.
Yeah, well, good, you didn't want it anyway.
It's all right, Bunker, I'm used to it.
Yeah.
So long.
Uh, okay, little girl.
I'm supposed to pick up a W-4 form here.
You got the job? Well, listen-- I'm gonna be the best janitor a white man can.
Mandy, the man that was in your office just climbed out the window! Mr.
Edwards? Uh-huh.
What do you mean?! Frank Edwards? Frank Edwards?! What did he do? W-W-Wait, hey.
Hey, Frank, what the hell you doing out the window, man? Something I should've done three years ago.
Frank, Frank, hey, you shouldn't be out there.
Hey, we're eight stories up, Frank.
You step off from eight stories, you get a hell of a nosebleed going down.
Come on, now-- No! Don't touch me! Frank, Frank.
Arggh! My resumes! Frank, come in out of there.
Take this, too.
Now, don't do nothing, Frank-- You touch me, I'm going next.
I ain't-- I ain't gonna touch you.
I-I just don't want you to do nothing on the sperm of the moment, Frank.
Please get out of the way, Mr.
Bunker.
I'll take charge until the police get here.
What do you mean you'll take charge? Come here, let me tell you something.
You take charge.
The man is out there on a ledge 'cause you wouldn't give him a job.
There was only one job.
I gave that to you.
That's why he's out there.
[PANICKY CHATTER.]
Five bucks.
That's all I got! Frank, hey, Frank, now don't to it, Frank! ( horns beeping ) There was a big mistake made.
The job's supposed to go to you.
Not me.
Tell him, Maloney.
Yeah.
Yes, that's quite true.
It was a misunderstanding.
The job is yours.
Oh, sure, 'til I get off the ledge, and then you'll have me arrested.
No, no, Frank, she's telling the truth.
I know it's hard to believe a kisser like this, but she can't be blamed for what she looks-- Frank-- Nothing personal.
You're a swell-lookin' dame here.
I'm just trying to get this loony away from the edge.
Forget it, Bunker.
I heard you call me a loony.
I heard you say, "Get this loony away from the edge.
" No, no! I said it was a lovely afternooney on the ledge.
Yeah, right.
Frank.
Ah! Listen to them.
[SIRENS WAILING.]
You hear 'em? [ALL SHOUTING.]
They want me to jump.
Here I go.
No, no, hey.
Frank! I'm coming.
Hey, you're a bunch of jerks.
I'm coming! You're a bunch of jerks down there--shut up! You'll make me sick, and I'll throw up all over you.
Hey, Frank-- Hey, Frank, don't do this to me, Frank.
To you? Yes, Frank, because you were supposed to get the job.
I'll spend the whole rest of my life with a guilty complexion.
If it wasn't you, it would be somebody else.
No, no, Frank, Frank, listen.
You wanna talk to a priest or a rabbi? No! You don't want neither of them, I tell you what.
There's a gang of shaved-head Krishna Hiris down there.
I'll bring one of them up.
He'll play the tambourine for you.
Forget it, Bunker, I'm an atheist.
Oh, you don't believe in God, Frank? If there's a God, let him catch me in his arms when I jump.
Oh, Frank, Frank.
Listen, I'm a true believer myself, but I would never expect God to catch me, you know? 'Cause maybe his hands are full with something else.
He's a busy man up there, Frank.
He's whipping up tornadoes and whirlpools and hurricanes and all them terrible things he does to let us know down here he's always thinking of us.
Let me through in there.
Come on, move aside there.
Yeah.
All right, buddy, come in here before you hurt yourself.
You take one step, and I'll jump.
Ooh, excuse me.
All right.
All right.
You better get the fire department with their net, or we're gonna need the sanitation department with shovels.
Keep stalling.
Yeah.
Frank, oh, hey.
Hey, Frank, before you jump maybe we ought to call your wife, huh? 'Cause you know how mad women get when we keep them waiting for dinner.
I haven't got a wife-- I'm divorced.
Well, no, listen, Frank.
That could be good, too, because you're free.
I tell you what.
Come on back in here, and we'll put you together with Maloney, huh? Huh, Frank? Smile, you dope, ya.
Listen, listen, Frank.
You think you're the only one with problems with his wife? Frank, listen.
I can't even cut the mustard with my wife.
What do you mean? I mean it's--ever since I've been unemp-- Maloney, leave us alone here, huh? Get out of here, youse.
Ever since I'm unemployed, in bed, I'm totally impudent.
Impudent? Yes, Frank.
[GIGGLES.]
Don't laugh, okay? Listen, the word is impotent! Bunker, you're impotent! Don't tell the whole of New York City about it, will ya! You're not better off than I am.
You're taking a job that's beneath you.
You're not a kid anymore.
Everything is downhill from now on.
What do you got to live for? Frank.
You wanna know what I got to live for? All right, Frank, I'll show you.
Ah! Don't, don't come near.
Hey, I ain't gonna touch ya.
You asked me what I got to live for.
I'm gonna show you, that's all.
Let me show you something-- ( screaming ) Shh! See that picture there? That's a picture of my little grandson.
That's what I got to live for, huh.
No hair but a beautiful kid anyway.
He's gonna be one years old in December.
Mine is almost three.
You got a grandson, and you got the nerve to end your life, Frank? What the hell's the matter with you? If you go, who's gonna raise up that little son? His father.
His father? What the hell is his father? Only your son.
Son-in-law.
Oh, son-in-law.
Ain't that the most ridiculous thing? Ohhh! Shh! Don't make him nervous, huh? Where's the net? Son-in-law's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of, Frank, listen.
I got a son-in-law.
When I'm trying to flatter him, I call him meathead.
Now, listen to me, Frank.
[WOMEN SCREAMING.]
Shut up, youse.
Frank.
A grandfather's got to do the business of raising a kid-- teach him all the things he has to know.
All the little things like, for instance, you take a blade of grass between your two thumbs, and you blow like a whistle, huh? Who's gonna teach him how to break in a first baseman's mitt? Oil it up there and put a rock in the middle, huh? Frank, who's gonna slip two bucks on the sly to go the movies when his father's punishing him, huh? That's the grandfather's gotta do that.
He's gonna grow up without all of them wisdoms that you can give him.
Frank, Frank, listen.
[WHIMPERING.]
Take China.
Why is there billions of people in China? 'Cause there's so many grandfathers still living.
And you know why? 'Cause you'll never see an old Chink jumping off a building.
Now, Frank, I want--ooh.
You okay, Bunker? Oh, it's nothing.
It comes and goes, comes and goes.
It's just a little gall bladder, you know, but it feels like a ball bat right in the gut.
Unh! Aaah! Aaah! Ah! Jeez, I'm on the ledge! I'm on the ledge! I got ya, I got ya.
Hey, Frank, Frank.
I got ya.
I'm up here, I'm all alone here, Frank.
Why don't you go in, go in the window? I can't move.
Well, don't panic.
Don't panic.
It's so far down.
Don't look down.
Where am I supposed to look? Look up.
That's worse.
Turn around, turn around.
No, no, no.
I can't move.
Yeah, I'll help you.
Don't touch me, Frank.
I'll help you, come on.
I'll help you.
Stay there.
No, no.
Stay cool.
Give me your hand.
No, Frank.
Give me your hand! No, no.
Got you, Edwards.
Ah! [GASPING.]
All right, okay.
Okay, Frank.
I'll give you my hand, Frank.
I'll give you my hand, Frank.
Where the hell are you, Frank? Frank, where--oh, jeez, I'm all alone! [CROWD YELLING.]
Jump! Jump! [CROWN CHANTING.]
Jump! Jump! Don't say that.
It's the other guy you want, not me.
Well, I wanna tell you, it really would've disgusted you.
There I was, way up on that ledge, whole crowd of jerks in the street yelling up at me, "Jump! Jump!" So, I look down on them like this, you know.
And I give 'em one of these.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Then I do a little buck and wing along the edge, see.
[LAUGHING.]
I hop in the window.
Frank Edwards is in there.
Throws his arms around me, hugs me, kisses me and all.
Aww.
I mean because he was choked up with emotion, you know.
I mean, he's a nut, but he ain't a fruit.
Well, I don't blame him for kissing you.
You saved his life.
You know what Frank wants to do one of these days? He wants to take you and me out to dinner.
Oh.
You know, when he gets all his marbles back.
I guess he wants to show his appreciation for what you done.
Yeah.
My! You walked right out there on that ledge.
You could've got dizzy and fell.
No, no, you're out there saving human life, you never think dizzy.
Oh, Archie, you're a hero! And on top of all that, you got a job, too! And here we are in bed.
Yeah.
Remember lately, I was thinking I was maybe becoming a little impudent, you know? Oh.
No, no, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
[MUTTERING.]
Let me finish, will you? All day today, I got the feeling that my 'pudence was coming back.
Oh Archie.
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
It's always a lot better with the light out.
Oh, oh, oh! What's the matter, Archie? jeez, my guts are boiling, Edith.
Is it your gall stones again? It hurts, it hurts.
I better call Dr.
Shapiro.
No, no, don't call Shapiro.
He'll want me to go to the hospital.
Well, that's what you ought to do.
Yeah, but that ain't what I wanna do right now, Edith.
Oh, oh, oh.
All right, all right, go ahead.
Call him, call Shapiro.
Aw, Edith, Edith, Edith.
I'm awful sorry there, darling, you know.
Game called on account of pain.
All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
Oh, you just wait and see! Would youse look at the height of the prices on them shelves? The whole world's going to hell in a shopping basket.
Archie, I told ya so.
Just remember, I'm unemployed, Edith.
Don't be grabbin' with both hands! Don't be spending my money faster than I ain't earning it! Why are we shopping in Ferguson's, anyway? Fergusons' is crooks! Archie! It's a nice place, and it's in the neighborhood.
Yeah, there better be a poorhouse in the neighborhood.
What is that? Wait a minute, why is beans 49 cents a can? Because it's on sale.
The regular price is 53 cents.
Unless you find a dented can, then it's 2 cents cheaper.
Uh, Edith, go get bread.
Bread.
Over there.
Over there.
All right.
Yeah.
I killed a roach there.
Look at this.
I found a couple of dented cans of beans.
Oh! You're a good shopper.
Look at the price on this here bread, Take it back and buy the 11 cent bread we always eat.
Archie, bread ain't been Not since you went in the service, that was 1942.
Oh, jeez, 1942.
I want to tell ya, them was the days, Edith, them was the days.
Boy, everybody in the country was workin', plenty of money in everybody's pocket, that's 'cause we had a beautiful war going for us then.
Look at everything nowadays, huh? Boy, millions of people out of work, no money in their pockets like me, we're selling all our wheat-- the Russkies got the 11 cent bread, we got the 50 cent bread.
I wanna tell ya, this country's in trouble every time there's an outbreak of peace! I wanna show you something about the bread here.
Oh, no, don't do that! They say on TV you shouldn't squeeze the bread.
To hell with the TV.
I'm showin' ya something here.
You test bread for fresh the same as you test a cigar.
See, you squeeze it, and you listen.
- See what I mean? - Is it fresh? Yeah, yeah, see? And then when you find a fresh one, you put back the one you squeeze, you grab another loaf.
[MUTTERING.]
Shh! Don't you know people have to eat that after you? What're you doing now, Edith? Oh, I'm listening to the peas.
You're probably the only woman in the world that peas talk to.
What're they saying? Well, you see, if you listen to 'em, you can tell by the noise which can has more peas than water.
Why don't you do that with the beans here? Well, the beans don't make no noise.
Yeah, that's true-- in the store they don't.
Hey.
Froot Loops.
Don't forget the Froot Loops.
Oh, yeah.
Hurry up.
They're way over there.
Way over there.
Handle's comin' off here, that's See how lousy people are, Edith? Somebody tore open a whole bag of licorice bits there.
Archie, you shouldn't eat 'em.
Why the hell not? Once they're open, they go bad, don't they? Oh, jeez, oh.
What's the matter, Archie? [GROANING.]
What's the matter-- is it your gall stones? No, no, no.
If it's anything, it's the licorice.
I told you, I ain't got no gall stones.
Well, Dr.
Shapiro told ya you did.
Until I told Dr.
Shapiro I didn't.
Let's not have no more arguments.
Come on, finish up, let's get out of here, huh? I gotta get your Twinkies.
If they don't have the Twinkies Don't--If they don't have the Twinkies, get Ding Dongs or Devil Dogs.
Hey.
When you're passing the hardware, return this, will ya? I changed my mind about that item, see.
And Edith, we need eggs.
I bought eggs! I don't see no eggs in there.
Well, I'm sure-- Okay there, girlie.
Ya think we can get an honest count, or is that against the policy of the store? [BEEPING.]
Wait, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait, wait! Wait a minute.
Watch what you hit-and-run on the keys there.
What's with the holding hands? I ought to be able to hold more than that for what you're charging in here.
Look, what's the complaint? The complaint is, there, that you're banging up the numbers there-- you ain't even looking at the price on the item.
We're trained to know the prices.
Well, let's see how good you train then.
How much is this here? Wrong--57.
Thank you.
Aw, jeez.
Here.
I got your Twinkies and some cranberries.
Why did you get two cans of cranberries? Well, Thanksgiving is coming.
So is Christmas-- I ain't buying a tree.
But they're on sale.
Two for 81 cents.
All right.
How much is one? I'll take the 40 cent one.
GLORIA: Ma! Daddy! Gloria! I'm so glad I found you.
Is Joey all right? Oh, yeah, Joey's fine.
Mrs.
Rehnquist is taking care of him.
But I was out in the yard, and I heard your phone ringing.
And it was for you, Daddy.
Who was it? Is Joey at Mrs.
Rehnquist's house, or is Mrs.
Rehnquist over at your house? Wh-who was on-- Joey's over at Mrs.
Rehnquist's.
Who was it? Oh, I don't think you should leave Joey with Mrs.
Rehnquist.
Why not? Who was it? Well, he don't like her.
He won't even make a boom-boom for her.
You want me to make a boom-boom right here? What the hell are you looking at? I didn't make it yet.
Who was it on the phone? Daddy, it was a phone call about a job for you.
A job? Well, not exactly a job yet.
It's an interview for one at 2:00.
This is the address.
Give it to me.
Let me out of here, will ya? And look out for her, will ya? That's Lady Goldfingers over there.
She changes prices.
I caught her in a near misdemeanus.
[INAUDIBLE.]
Well, good afternoon there, sis.
My name is Archie Bunker.
I believe I have an appointment.
It'll be just a moment.
Maloney in there? Just have a seat, please.
Yeah, all right.
Oh, uh, I come about the job there, Mr.
Maloney.
I'm not Mr.
Maloney.
And by the way, Maloney is not a mister.
Oh, what is he? One of these here guys? No.
Maloney is a "Ms.
" Oh, worse yet.
And I'm waiting to hear about the same job.
You're here about the job? No kidding, I mean, you know You don't, kind of, look the type there.
Uh, I'm just looking at the initials on your monogrome there.
"F.
E.
" When I was a kid, I knew another kid, F.
E.
Farley Epstein.
I'm Frank Edwards.
I'm Archie Bunker.
Uh, hey, listen-- What questions did she ask you there? Oh, the usual-- name, address, age.
All them I can answer.
Previous experience.
College degrees.
You've been to college? Yes, William and Mary.
Two of them, huh? I only just barely finished high school myself.
Jeez, what am I doing here? I ain't got a prayer.
Well, you may be more qualified for this job than I am.
What is the job? They call it "custodian.
" Aah, that means BOTH: Janitor.
How come a guy like you is going out for a job like that? I haven't worked for three years.
I've run out of my unemployment insurance, and I can't get a job 'cause I'm too damn old.
Oh, uh, well, how old are you? Jeez, uh, I'm pretty nearly that myself.
Mr.
Bunker? Yeah.
Miss Maloney will see you now.
Oh.
Okay, see you later there, Frank.
Right in, huh? Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Thank you very much.
Nothing personal, hon.
[KNOCKS.]
Come in, please.
Have a seat, Mr.
Bunker.
Yeah.
Thank you very much, Mrs.
-- Ms.
Oh, sorry, Ms.
--I can never get used to that baloney.
I mean, excuse me, Ms.
Maloney.
Let's make this short and to the point.
You are Archibald Bunker.
That's right.
And your age is 52.
Well, uh, just barely.
Uh, he's a college guy out there, huh? Oh, Mr.
Edwards? I'm afraid he's overqualified.
We'd spend our time and money breaking him in-- if a better job came along, a college man would leave us flat.
Oh, they do it every time.
We find that the best person for this job is a man lacking in skill and knowledge.
Ah, well, you're looking at him, you're looking at him.
Now, you'll have to answer a few personal questions.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Shoot.
Do you drink? Does beer count? Yes.
No.
Have you ever been in trouble with the police? No.
We can check this with computers in a matter of minutes.
Well, you don't have to do that.
In fact, a couple years ago, my old platoon WW2 was having a reunion, you know.
And we was up in a hotel room, the guys kidding around, some pinko calls the cops.
All we was doing up there-- we was dangling Shorty Benson out a window by his ankles.
And the funny part of it is-- Shorty was the only guy arrested there 'cause he didn't have no pants on.
But you were not arrested? I had my pants on the whole time.
Mr.
Bunker, the job pays $3.
90 an hour.
$3.
90 an hour? Where is it, in Puerto Rico? Close.
97th Street and 3rd Avenue.
Oh.
Don't you want the job, Mr.
Bunker? Oh, yeah, hey.
Gracias for the job.
I mean, you know It's honest work and buys the groceries, right? When do I start? You start tomorrow morning.
Pick up a W-4 form from the receptionist, and she'll tell you where to check in.
Okay, well, thank you.
Thank you very much there, Ms.
Maloney.
You're a good guy.
Oh, hi there, Frank.
Listen, I got good news and bad news.
I got the job, and you didn't.
Good luck, Bunker.
Yeah, well, good, you didn't want it anyway.
It's all right, Bunker, I'm used to it.
Yeah.
So long.
Uh, okay, little girl.
I'm supposed to pick up a W-4 form here.
You got the job? Well, listen-- I'm gonna be the best janitor a white man can.
Mandy, the man that was in your office just climbed out the window! Mr.
Edwards? Uh-huh.
What do you mean?! Frank Edwards? Frank Edwards?! What did he do? W-W-Wait, hey.
Hey, Frank, what the hell you doing out the window, man? Something I should've done three years ago.
Frank, Frank, hey, you shouldn't be out there.
Hey, we're eight stories up, Frank.
You step off from eight stories, you get a hell of a nosebleed going down.
Come on, now-- No! Don't touch me! Frank, Frank.
Arggh! My resumes! Frank, come in out of there.
Take this, too.
Now, don't do nothing, Frank-- You touch me, I'm going next.
I ain't-- I ain't gonna touch you.
I-I just don't want you to do nothing on the sperm of the moment, Frank.
Please get out of the way, Mr.
Bunker.
I'll take charge until the police get here.
What do you mean you'll take charge? Come here, let me tell you something.
You take charge.
The man is out there on a ledge 'cause you wouldn't give him a job.
There was only one job.
I gave that to you.
That's why he's out there.
[PANICKY CHATTER.]
Five bucks.
That's all I got! Frank, hey, Frank, now don't to it, Frank! ( horns beeping ) There was a big mistake made.
The job's supposed to go to you.
Not me.
Tell him, Maloney.
Yeah.
Yes, that's quite true.
It was a misunderstanding.
The job is yours.
Oh, sure, 'til I get off the ledge, and then you'll have me arrested.
No, no, Frank, she's telling the truth.
I know it's hard to believe a kisser like this, but she can't be blamed for what she looks-- Frank-- Nothing personal.
You're a swell-lookin' dame here.
I'm just trying to get this loony away from the edge.
Forget it, Bunker.
I heard you call me a loony.
I heard you say, "Get this loony away from the edge.
" No, no! I said it was a lovely afternooney on the ledge.
Yeah, right.
Frank.
Ah! Listen to them.
[SIRENS WAILING.]
You hear 'em? [ALL SHOUTING.]
They want me to jump.
Here I go.
No, no, hey.
Frank! I'm coming.
Hey, you're a bunch of jerks.
I'm coming! You're a bunch of jerks down there--shut up! You'll make me sick, and I'll throw up all over you.
Hey, Frank-- Hey, Frank, don't do this to me, Frank.
To you? Yes, Frank, because you were supposed to get the job.
I'll spend the whole rest of my life with a guilty complexion.
If it wasn't you, it would be somebody else.
No, no, Frank, Frank, listen.
You wanna talk to a priest or a rabbi? No! You don't want neither of them, I tell you what.
There's a gang of shaved-head Krishna Hiris down there.
I'll bring one of them up.
He'll play the tambourine for you.
Forget it, Bunker, I'm an atheist.
Oh, you don't believe in God, Frank? If there's a God, let him catch me in his arms when I jump.
Oh, Frank, Frank.
Listen, I'm a true believer myself, but I would never expect God to catch me, you know? 'Cause maybe his hands are full with something else.
He's a busy man up there, Frank.
He's whipping up tornadoes and whirlpools and hurricanes and all them terrible things he does to let us know down here he's always thinking of us.
Let me through in there.
Come on, move aside there.
Yeah.
All right, buddy, come in here before you hurt yourself.
You take one step, and I'll jump.
Ooh, excuse me.
All right.
All right.
You better get the fire department with their net, or we're gonna need the sanitation department with shovels.
Keep stalling.
Yeah.
Frank, oh, hey.
Hey, Frank, before you jump maybe we ought to call your wife, huh? 'Cause you know how mad women get when we keep them waiting for dinner.
I haven't got a wife-- I'm divorced.
Well, no, listen, Frank.
That could be good, too, because you're free.
I tell you what.
Come on back in here, and we'll put you together with Maloney, huh? Huh, Frank? Smile, you dope, ya.
Listen, listen, Frank.
You think you're the only one with problems with his wife? Frank, listen.
I can't even cut the mustard with my wife.
What do you mean? I mean it's--ever since I've been unemp-- Maloney, leave us alone here, huh? Get out of here, youse.
Ever since I'm unemployed, in bed, I'm totally impudent.
Impudent? Yes, Frank.
[GIGGLES.]
Don't laugh, okay? Listen, the word is impotent! Bunker, you're impotent! Don't tell the whole of New York City about it, will ya! You're not better off than I am.
You're taking a job that's beneath you.
You're not a kid anymore.
Everything is downhill from now on.
What do you got to live for? Frank.
You wanna know what I got to live for? All right, Frank, I'll show you.
Ah! Don't, don't come near.
Hey, I ain't gonna touch ya.
You asked me what I got to live for.
I'm gonna show you, that's all.
Let me show you something-- ( screaming ) Shh! See that picture there? That's a picture of my little grandson.
That's what I got to live for, huh.
No hair but a beautiful kid anyway.
He's gonna be one years old in December.
Mine is almost three.
You got a grandson, and you got the nerve to end your life, Frank? What the hell's the matter with you? If you go, who's gonna raise up that little son? His father.
His father? What the hell is his father? Only your son.
Son-in-law.
Oh, son-in-law.
Ain't that the most ridiculous thing? Ohhh! Shh! Don't make him nervous, huh? Where's the net? Son-in-law's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of, Frank, listen.
I got a son-in-law.
When I'm trying to flatter him, I call him meathead.
Now, listen to me, Frank.
[WOMEN SCREAMING.]
Shut up, youse.
Frank.
A grandfather's got to do the business of raising a kid-- teach him all the things he has to know.
All the little things like, for instance, you take a blade of grass between your two thumbs, and you blow like a whistle, huh? Who's gonna teach him how to break in a first baseman's mitt? Oil it up there and put a rock in the middle, huh? Frank, who's gonna slip two bucks on the sly to go the movies when his father's punishing him, huh? That's the grandfather's gotta do that.
He's gonna grow up without all of them wisdoms that you can give him.
Frank, Frank, listen.
[WHIMPERING.]
Take China.
Why is there billions of people in China? 'Cause there's so many grandfathers still living.
And you know why? 'Cause you'll never see an old Chink jumping off a building.
Now, Frank, I want--ooh.
You okay, Bunker? Oh, it's nothing.
It comes and goes, comes and goes.
It's just a little gall bladder, you know, but it feels like a ball bat right in the gut.
Unh! Aaah! Aaah! Ah! Jeez, I'm on the ledge! I'm on the ledge! I got ya, I got ya.
Hey, Frank, Frank.
I got ya.
I'm up here, I'm all alone here, Frank.
Why don't you go in, go in the window? I can't move.
Well, don't panic.
Don't panic.
It's so far down.
Don't look down.
Where am I supposed to look? Look up.
That's worse.
Turn around, turn around.
No, no, no.
I can't move.
Yeah, I'll help you.
Don't touch me, Frank.
I'll help you, come on.
I'll help you.
Stay there.
No, no.
Stay cool.
Give me your hand.
No, Frank.
Give me your hand! No, no.
Got you, Edwards.
Ah! [GASPING.]
All right, okay.
Okay, Frank.
I'll give you my hand, Frank.
I'll give you my hand, Frank.
Where the hell are you, Frank? Frank, where--oh, jeez, I'm all alone! [CROWD YELLING.]
Jump! Jump! [CROWN CHANTING.]
Jump! Jump! Don't say that.
It's the other guy you want, not me.
Well, I wanna tell you, it really would've disgusted you.
There I was, way up on that ledge, whole crowd of jerks in the street yelling up at me, "Jump! Jump!" So, I look down on them like this, you know.
And I give 'em one of these.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Then I do a little buck and wing along the edge, see.
[LAUGHING.]
I hop in the window.
Frank Edwards is in there.
Throws his arms around me, hugs me, kisses me and all.
Aww.
I mean because he was choked up with emotion, you know.
I mean, he's a nut, but he ain't a fruit.
Well, I don't blame him for kissing you.
You saved his life.
You know what Frank wants to do one of these days? He wants to take you and me out to dinner.
Oh.
You know, when he gets all his marbles back.
I guess he wants to show his appreciation for what you done.
Yeah.
My! You walked right out there on that ledge.
You could've got dizzy and fell.
No, no, you're out there saving human life, you never think dizzy.
Oh, Archie, you're a hero! And on top of all that, you got a job, too! And here we are in bed.
Yeah.
Remember lately, I was thinking I was maybe becoming a little impudent, you know? Oh.
No, no, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
[MUTTERING.]
Let me finish, will you? All day today, I got the feeling that my 'pudence was coming back.
Oh Archie.
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
It's always a lot better with the light out.
Oh, oh, oh! What's the matter, Archie? jeez, my guts are boiling, Edith.
Is it your gall stones again? It hurts, it hurts.
I better call Dr.
Shapiro.
No, no, don't call Shapiro.
He'll want me to go to the hospital.
Well, that's what you ought to do.
Yeah, but that ain't what I wanna do right now, Edith.
Oh, oh, oh.
All right, all right, go ahead.
Call him, call Shapiro.
Aw, Edith, Edith, Edith.
I'm awful sorry there, darling, you know.
Game called on account of pain.
All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.