Dad's Army (1968) s07e05 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Ah, good evening, sir.
Don't sit in my chair when I'm not here, Wilson.
Sorry, sir.
I was just writing out a notice, that's all.
What you are doing is neither here nor there.
You know that I don't like you sitting at my desk in my absence.
Oh, I see, well, what am I supposed to lean on? You're an NCO.
You're supposed to use your initiative.
-Write it on your knee.
-All right, sir.
I don't think I gave you permission to sit, did I? That's right.
-You are a soldier, you know.
-Yes, of course.
Yes, yes.
-I am an officer.
-Quite, sir.
-You are supposed to be an NCO.
-Yes, of course.
-Right.
Very well, remember -Right.
All right, sir? All right.
You all right, sir? There you are, you see, sir.
This was the notice I was writing out, you understand.
''Do not lean back in this chair.
'' Incidentally, sir, there was a phone message, sir, for you.
The French General is definitely coming.
-Who says so? -Oh, the Colonel.
It's here somewhere.
Had it a minute ago.
Ah, yes, here it is.
Yes.
''Visit of the French General confirmed.
A unit of the Home Guard ''to provide a guard of honour at the Town Hall.
'' Well, I sincerely hope they don't pick us.
All this damned red tape.
Don't they realise that we are frontline troops? Anyway I was never really keen on the French.
Oh, I'm sure, sir, they're very good soldiers, aren't they? Only up to a point.
They're never very much good after lunch, you know.
Oh, really, weren't they? All that wine and garlic.
It's very debilitating.
All they know how to do is chase women.
(French accent) ''Come with me to the kasbah.
'' That sort of thing.
I suppose you might say they're rather emotional, sir.
Well, they go in for all that sloppy kissing, don't they? Can't even pin a medal on a chap's chest without kissing him.
Yes.
But if you were picked as guard commander, I expect you'd get one.
-What, a medal? -No, a kiss.
I assure you I wouldn't stand for any of that sort of thing.
(Knocking on door) Come in.
-Mr Mainwaring, sir.
-Yes? There is a lady outside who wishes to have an audience of you.
And when I say ''a lady,'' I don't mean she is a woman.
Although, of course, she is a woman.
Otherwise she couldn't be a lady, which she is.
'Cause she rejoices under the name of Lady Maltby.
Lady Maltby? Oh, what does she want? Oh, she didn't give me any confidence about that, sir.
Lords and Ladies seldom do, you know.
When we was in the Sudan, Lord Kitchener never gave any of us any confidence.
-You'd better show her in.
-Very good, sir.
-Fasten your collar up.
Pull yourself together.
-Right, sir.
And when you've paid your respects to Her Ladyship, you can withdraw.
-I suppose she only wants to deal with officers.
-Oh, I see.
-Her Ladyship, the Lady Maltby.
-Ah.
Your Ladyship, this is indeed an honour.
I am Captain Mainwaring.
Yes, I've heard of you.
This is my sergeant, who is just going.
Arthur, how nice to see you.
My dear Angie, you look My goodness me, you look absolutely marvellous.
It really is good to see you after all this time.
Captain Mainwaring, she's certainly got confidence in Mr Wilson.
I think they've met previous.
I seem to know your face.
Oh.
Yes, Your Ladyship.
Yes.
I've been purveying meat to your establishment since 1 933, when His late Lordship fell out with Sainsbury's.
Oh, yes, of course.
You're Mr Jones.
Well, there'll be one book extra this week.
-My son is coming home on leave.
-Oh, that's very nice.
Well, I've got some nice chops or a bit of brisket? Well, perhaps you'll talk that over with the cook.
Yes, I'm sure we can get our heads together.
-You rely on me -Jones, that'll do.
Thank you.
Right.
Thank you, sir.
Get.
Get.
-Arthur, it is nice to see you again.
-Yes, of course it is.
Well, well, well.
So So Nigel's coming home, is he? How is he? -Oh, he got married, you know.
-He didn't.
Did he, really? Oh, yes, of course he did.
Yes.
Auntie Lettice told me about it.
Yes.
So now he's in the blues, foolish boy.
Is he really? You know, my old grandfather was in the blues.
He spent a lot of time in the Khyber Pass Yes, Wilson, Wilson.
I'm quite sure Lady Maltby hasn't come here to listen to your family affairs.
You really must forgive us.
But it's such ages since dear Arthur and I have had a chinwag together.
-Do sit down.
-Thank you.
Actually, I came here about my car.
-Oh, yes.
-Well, I can't get any petrol for it and it just sits there in the garage so I thought that somebody ought to use it towards the war effort.
Then I can have it back when we've won.
What sort of car is it, Lady Maltby? -Oh, just an ordinary sort of Rolls.
-Rolls.
Oh! Now the question is, who would put it to the best use, the Home Guard or the Wardens? -The Home Guard, definitely.
-Oh, I'm so glad you think that.
That Mr Hodges is most awfully common.
Yes.
And, of course, I know Mr Jones and Arthur is such a darling.
Well, I'm sure you are very nice, too, when one gets to know you.
Yes.
Well, I can assure you we'd look after it most carefully, Lady Maltby.
My men are very reliable.
Very particular about who I have in my platoon.
They're all handpicked.
(Knocking on door) Hey! We're all lined up out here waiting, waiting, and if you don't come soon, we're all off home.
I thought you'd just like to know.
Rough diamond that one.
Heart of gold.
Just the chap to have on your side in a scrap.
Excuse me, sir, what exactly would you do with a Rolls-Royce? Well, I should use it as my staff car.
Oh, I see, but it's all so sort of shiny and Rolls-Roycey, isn't it? Oh, you can camouflage it as far as I'm concerned.
-There you are, you see? -But a huge, great big Rolls-Royce, I mean won't it look a bit silly? -How do you mean? -Well, I I suppose we could sit you on a cushion.
Sorry I'm late, Mr Mainwaring.
Carter Patterson's horse has gone down the road so I brought you some for your roses.
Get out! Take it away.
Outside.
Listen (Metal bucket clattering) A new recruit.
We haven't licked him into shape yet.
Well, I'll ask Glossip to drive us round on Saturday morning.
That's most generous of you, Your Ladyship.
Yes, you really have been an absolute brick, Angie.
And you must pop in and have a drink one evening.
-Oh, I'd love to.
Yes.
-We'll ask Captain Fanshawe.
Mainwaring.
Yes, I should be delighted.
Thank you.
We'll ask Captain Mainwaring to let you off one evening.
Delighted.
-See you soon, I hope.
-Yes.
Oh, dear, really.
She really is awfully sweet, don't you think, sir? -I think it's pathetic.
-What? Why? What? You, kowtowing to her just because she's got a title.
-Kowtowing? I wasn't kowtowing at all.
-Well, it cuts no ice with me.
And you can tell that to your Auntie Lettice.
Where is he? Where is he? -You've done it, haven't you, Mainwaring? -How dare you come barging in here like that? Never mind about that.
She was thinking of giving me that car.
Then you stuck the sherbet in and put her off me.
We haven't put her off you at all.
So happens that we know her very well socially.
Well, I'll tell you one thing, me and my lads is providing half the guard of honour for the French General.
And I just hope you're not providing the other half because I don't want to be stuck opposite your ugly mug.
If you're going to be there, I shall refuse to parade.
Just you watch it, mate.
And from now on, mind your step.
Because if I see one chink of light from this hall or if you shine a torch or if you leave as much as a bicycle without immobilising it, I'll have you.
I haven't got a bicycle.
Then you better immobilise your crutches.
Dear, oh, dear.
Really, he really is a most appalling fellow, isn't he? Oh, what do you expect? He has no business to be chief warden at all.
Man's a greengrocer.
Yes.
Well, so was Lord Maltby.
-Really? Was he really? -Yes.
In a big way of business, I suppose.
Yes.
You see, it's not what you know or who you know, it's how much of it you have.
-Don't let's have any bolshie talk like that here.
-Not at all.
-Now go and fall the men in.
-All right, sir, right.
All right, come on, you chaps.
Fall in, will you, please? Three nice, tidy, little rows.
Come on, quick as you can.
Squad.
Squad, hut! Stand at ease.
Now, I'm very proud to announce that we have an addition to our battle fleet.
And it's a Rolls-Royce staff car.
-Can I drive it, Mr Mainwaring? -Certainly not.
-Bags I first ride in it, then.
-Be quiet, Pike.
Rolls-Royces can be very comfortable, you know, sir.
I went to a wedding once and you would give instructions to the driver through a speaking tube.
I didn't because it wasn't my car.
No, all right.
That'll do, Godfrey.
And very reliable too, sir.
General Kitchener had one in the 1 91 4 war.
And General French, he had one as well also.
When I say General French, I don't mean he's a French general, I mean General French who was an English general.
Lot of people get confused about that, you know.
Not that it matters 'cause I wasn't talking about him anyway.
The man I was talking about was General Kitchener and he was getting a bit worried about recruiting, you see, sir, because he was A lot of men was getting killed and he thought he was going to run out of them.
Anyway, he was getting into his Rolls-Royce one day, when he noticed that the dashboard was all mingy.
And he turned to his driver and he says, ''My man, why is my dashboard all mingy?'' And he replied, the driver, ''Well, you see, it's this foreign mahogany.
''It is no good in these parts.
We need old English wood.
We need yew.
'' ''That's it,'' said the General.
''That's the slogan what I have been looking for.
'' ''Your country needs you.
'' Not many people know this story, sir.
Thank you, Jones.
He never run out of men after that, sir, no matter how many All right, all right.
Now Platoon, 'shun.
Right, stand your men at ease, Captain Mainwaring.
Stand at ease.
I thought you'd be interested to know that you've been selected to provide the guard of honour outside the Town Hall for the visit of the French General.
An honour indeed, sir.
You see, the reward for being smart.
Yes, indeed.
Another hour's cleaning and blancoing.
Check that Welshman's name, Wilson.
You've also been chosen because of the person who has to make the speech before the General's departure.
Oh, yes, of course.
It has to be in French.
Oh, well, I I suppose I could practise.
Well, your sergeant speaks French.
He's the obvious choice.
Wouldn't have thought it was all that obvious.
-Do you speak French, Wilson? -Well, what you might call -un petIt peu.
-A what? Un petIt peu.
I'm very much against these parades.
They take us away from valuable training time.
I'm sorry.
I've been asked by Area to make this as smart an occasion as possible.
It can hardly be very smart with those wardens sprawling all over the steps.
Yes, that's quite right, sir.
We should provide the whole guard comprehensively.
Yes, certainly, the presence of the wardens will make it a bit of a shambles.
Very well, I'll have a word with the town clerk and the Mayor.
Your platoon will provide the whole guard of honour.
Thank you very much, sir.
And Uncle Arthur will make the French speech.
Pardon my EnglIsh If It's a lIttle not so damn good yet Well, pardon my EnglIsh (Composing French speech) (Phone ringing) -Answer that, Frank, will you please? -Yes.
Hello, Home Guard.
Oh, morning.
It's Glossip here.
Lady Maltby's chauffeur.
Oh, hello, Mr Glossip.
I'm on my way to the paint shop to get Lady Maltby's Rolls camouflaged for Captain Mainwaring and I'm afraid I've run out of petrol.
-Oh, dear.
Where are you? -Outside the Town Hall.
Well, look, you stay there and we'll come along and give you a push, all right? -All right, then.
-Righto, bye-bye.
Come along, Uncle Arthur.
Captain Mainwaring's Rolls-Royce is stuck outside the Town Hall.
We're going to go along and give it a push.
What are you talking about, Frank? We can't push a great big thing like that.
Of course you can.
You're ever so muscular.
-Mum's always saying so.
-No, but it's enormous.
-If I get some petrol, could I drive it? -No, you couldn't possibly.
No, the chauffeur would never allow you to.
-You could make him.
-What? -You could commandeer it.
It's ours anyway.
-No, no.
Frank, don't be silly.
No, just ring back and say we can't do anything.
I can't.
I haven't got the number.
Now, come on.
What about Captain Mainwaring? Don't worry, I've left him a note.
Now, come on, quick, sharp! Frank, for heaven's sake! Frank.
Why do you have to do everything in such a hurry, for goodness sake? No, Frank.
Frank, come back here for a moment, will you? -Look, Uncle Arthur.
-What? It's Mr Hodges' bike.
There'll be petrol in there.
Frank, don't be silly.
You can't do that.
I mean, that'd be stealing.
-No it wouldn't.
You could commandeer it.
-What? It's only Mr Hodges.
Look.
-There's a tin here.
-Look, just a minute.
How are you going to get it from there into that? You are silly, Uncle Arthur.
What do you mean? -Well, we pour it in, don't we? -Ah.
Ah, I see.
Just pour it in.
All right.
-Do we lift? -Come on.
Give me a hand.
Up.
It's coming out.
MAINWARING: Wilson? Wilson? -Wilson? -He's not in here, sir.
No, sir, I saw him go down the road with Pike with a sort of furtive look on his face, sir.
-They've left a note, sir.
-What's it say? ''Rolls broken down by Town Hall, gone to help.
'' I don't see what possible help he can give them.
Anyway, it should be at the paint shop for camouflaging.
Look, Jones, take your van and a length of rope, go to the Town Hall and tow them to the paint shop.
-All right? -Come on, Jock.
I'll come, too.
You never know, there might be a story.
You know, ''Traffic Chaos in Walmington: Vital Supplies Delayed.
'' Man, have you no regard for the truth? Don't insult the press, Scotch boyo.
Vital supplies will be delayed.
Jonesy here will be late with his deliveries.
There you are.
That's the last drop.
-Now can I drive it? -Oh, don't be silly, Frank.
-Well, can I ride in the back, then? -What? All right, get in.
I'm sure Glossip will drive us round to the paint shop.
Ee, I'm that glad you've come.
-What's the matter, Claude? -Mace isn't fit to be seen.
And Roger can't clean it 'cause he's laid up with his old trouble.
-What do you expect me to do about it? -Sam here can give it a rub over.
Come on, Sam.
Look lively.
This should have been done ages ago.
Come on, lads! Get the rope out.
We'll tie it on the front axle and we'll take it round the paint shop.
Oh, hold on.
How much is Mainwaring paying for this camouflaging job? About ?8, I think.
Uh-huh.
I have a spray gun back at my workshop.
We use it for touching up the hearse.
I'll do it for ?7.
After all, it's only dirty old brown and green paint.
Oh, I don't think Mr Mainwaring would like that.
We're saving money, man.
And it's platoon funds.
Well, all right, Jock.
Hey, Jones the butcher! It's all attached and ready to go.
Yes, indeed.
Right.
Spongey, you steer the other one.
No sign of them yet, sir? I can't think what's happened to them.
They've been gone for over two hours now.
And I wanted to give them a final briefing on the French General's parade.
All right.
Keep looking out, Godfrey.
Well, I'm getting rather chilled, sir.
One loses heat, you know, when one stands around doing nothing.
Yes.
Well, jump up and down a bit.
You've gone too far this time, Napoleon.
Your hooligans have pinched my petrol.
-I don't believe that for a moment.
-They have.
And they didn't even siphon it.
They poured it out like my bike was a ruddy teapot.
And left it on its side.
-My men don't do that sort of thing.
-Well, what's this, then? ''Petrol requisitioned.
F Pike.
'' That's not how you spell ''requisition.
'' That proves it, then.
And another thing.
You needn't think you're getting me off that parade because I'm gonna appeal to the home secretary.
Herbie Morrison will sort you out, mate.
Mr Mainwaring! We've got it, Mr Mainwaring, we've got it.
For heaven's sake, Frank.
Don't get so excited.
The paint shop did it right away and I rode in the back and waved to everybody like I was a French general.
Never mind about that! What are you gonna do about this? Oh, I can't stand here arguing with you.
I'm going to inspect my new staff car.
-I've had enough of you! -Stop pushing.
Don't you -Look at that, Wilson.
-You shouldn't have it by rights! She would have given it to me if you hadn't shoved your oar in.
-Magnificent, isn't it, Wilson? -Yes.
Look at that craftsmanship, eh? British throughout.
-Show me the French car that could match that.
-Yes, or a Yankee one.
As indeed you say, Pike, or a Yankee one.
-I must say, it looks awfully good as a staff car.
-I'll say it looks good.
I'll bet there isn't another one like this in the whole of the British Isles.
Great Scott! What's that? It's twins.
(Horn honking) -Look at that, Mr Frazer.
They've got another one.
-Aye.
Typical Mainwaring.
One on and one in the wash.
Where did you get that car, Wilson? Outside the Town Hall with Angela's chauffeur.
Where did that one come from, Jones? -Captain Mainwaring, I -Yes? I'm sorry to bother you but the town clerk is on the telephone.
He wants to speak to you rather urgently.
It seems the Mayor has lost his Rolls-Royce.
-Uncle Arthur.
-Yes? Do you think the Mayor is going to be cross with Mr Mainwaring for putting dirty brown paint all over his Rolls-Royce? Well, it's like this, Mr Mainwaring I think it's been stolen.
And I'm in a bit of a flummox to know what's right to do about it.
-Have you informed the police? -No, I didn't think that was wise.
-Quite right.
-You see, I was the one who left the window open and took the chauffeur away.
So I'm responsible that it wasn't immobilised.
I mean, you've got to immobilise them, haven't you? I mean, you can get three months for not doing that.
So I'd just as soon the polIce dIdn't get word of It.
And I thought, seeing as how you've got a lot of men, you might send them out to look for it.
And like as not, they might come across it.
Yes, yes, I think I might be able to help you that way.
Oh, ta.
Thanks very much, Mr Mainwaring.
Is there anyone else I ought to inform? No, no, no, no, no.
Leave this entirely in my hands.
You'll have to look sharp.
That car's got to be outside the Town Hall for 3:00 for the French General.
Never fear.
It'll be there on time.
Of all the blundering idiots, Wilson.
It's nothing to do with me, sir.
I didn't touch the Mayor's car.
If you hadn't taken Lady Maltby's without my permission -And with my petrol.
-You be quiet.
Oh, if I could get a photograph of the Mayor's face when he sees his lovely, shiny, black Rolls-Royce covered in dirty brown paint, I could have it in every paper in the country.
Hey, Jock.
Can you spray it black again? -What time is it? -About 1 2:00.
Three hours.
I could try.
-Good man, Frazer.
-For ?1 0.
Have it outside the Town Hall for 3:00! With any luck, nobody will be any the wiser.
Oh, yes, they will, because I'm gonna split.
Sneak.
You can call me what you like, mate, but unless you let me and my lads parade on those town hall steps, I'm gonna tell the Mayor what you've done with his motor.
Well, as General Kitchener used to say, ''He's got us by the fuzzy-wuzzies.
'' Yes.
Very well, Hodges.
You can come on the parade.
When General Kitchener used that expression, it was because them fuzzy-wuzzies, they got short, curly hair, you see.
So when he said, ''We've got them by the fuzzy-wuzzies,'' -he meant that they'd got them by the -Yes, all right.
I get your point.
There's no need to be like that, sir.
I'm only trying to make the war a bit more cheerful.
The last tIme I saw ParIs Her heart was warm and gay I'm sorry about this, Captain Mainwaring.
But I can't get the flashbulbs, you know.
There's not one to be had in the town.
-Fine.
Don't be too obtrusive.
-Righto, boy.
Righto.
-You're not gonna say all that, are you? -There's quite a lot of it scratched out.
-I change my mind quite a lot, you know.
-Yes, well, keep it short.
-Otherwise it'll be very boring.
-On the other hand, if the car hasn't arrived, I might have to keep it going just a bit longer, you see.
Oh, Captain Mainwaring.
I'll take one of you and the General, like you said.
-Yes, good man.
-Righto, boy.
Yes, indeed.
Frazer's cutting it a bit fine, isn't he? (Horn honking) There he is, coming round the corner now.
Look.
By Jove! What a magnificent job he's made of it.
Here, I just want you to know that when you bawl and shout instructions of ''attention'' and ''present arms,'' my lads won't take the slightest bit of notice.
You'll turn the parade into a complete shambles.
All right, then.
I'll bawl out ''attention'' and ''present arms'' and your lads can take notice of me.
-Certainly not.
-Captain Mainwaring.
Do you want the bugler to play before the salute or during the salute? He is to play all the time my men are in the present and then the choir will sing the MarseIllaIse.
Is that quite clear, Mr Yeatman? You give me the nod, Your Reverence, and I'll tip him the wink.
-He's coming down the back passage now.
-Right.
Places, everybody.
Follow my lead.
-Everything all right, Frazer? -Fine, sir.
Just one thing.
-Yes, well, tell me afterwards.
-It'll be as well for you to listen, sir.
He's coming.
Fall in.
-Everything go all right, Mr Frazer? -Fine.
There's just one thing.
I could not get any quick-drying paint.
It's not tacky, is it? -Oh, no, it's not tacky.
-Good.
Just plain wet.
Here he comes.
Platoon, hut.
Wardens, hut! -Shut up.
-I didn't give the nod.
It was his fault.
Wait till I give you the word.
Number 1 platoon, B company.
Not the wardens.
Slope.
Present! Walmington-on-the-Sea wardens, present! Now, Mr Yeatman.
-That's Come to the Cookhouse Door.
-Well, he doesn't know the Last Post.
(Singing La Marseillaise) Look at him.
The man's blubbing.
Well, it's very sad, Mr Mainwaring.
-That's all? -There just wasn't time to learn the rest.
They're only little boys, you know.
Number 1 platoon, B company Not the wardens.
Slope arms! Wardensorderpumps! Wilson.
Wilson.
(Speaking in French) What's he saying, Mr Mainwaring? Oh, the usual trite rubbish.
Now, you've got to hand it to Uncle Arthur.
It's just like mum says, ''He can do anything if he gets the urge.
'' (Speaking in French) Here! Hang on a minute, don't I get a kiss? General! (General speaking in French)