Friends s07e05 Episode Script

Hey.
-What's the matter? -Someone on the subway licked my neck! Willy's still alive! -What are you doing? -My mom called.
They're announcing our engagement in the paper.
-We're looking for a good picture.
-I'm afraid that does not exist.
There are great pictures of us.
No, there are great pictures of you next to a guy who's going like this.
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Oh, my God, that's the creep that you're with at the Statue of Liberty.
I don't know what it is.
I just can't take a good picture.
MONICA: Here's a great one.
-Yeah, I'm not in that.
-No, but look at me, all tan.
Why don't you get portraits done by a professional photographer? That's a great idea.
I bet they have one of those wind machines.
Yeah, that's great.
Next to that, Chandler won't look so stupid.
-Chandler, what do you say? -All right, but I'm not going.
"I'm" going.
The One With The Engagement Picture Gelula/SDI Dude, that reverse lay-up.
-And how about those three-pointers? -Amazing.
And those guys were this close to letting us play this time too.
Hey, look.
Phoebe's talking to Cute Coffeehouse Guy.
You call him "Cute Coffeehouse Guy"? We call him "Hums While He Pees.
" Yes, and we call Ross "Lingers in the Bathroom.
" Hey, you guys, "Hums While He Pees" just asked me out.
-I thought that guy was married.
-He's getting divorced.
Ross, maybe you know him.
It's not a club.
If he's getting a divorce, is it a good idea to date him? -Hey, divorced men are not bad men.
-That's on the napkins at the club.
-I gotta go to work.
-You don't have to go for a half-hour.
My assistant, Tag, does sit-ups in the office during lunch.
I could just spread him on a cracker.
Rach, why would you hire this guy? -You know you can't date him, right? -I know that.
We joked that we spend so much time together.
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he should call me his "work-wife.
" Soon he'll be able to call you "that lady he knew that got fired.
" I won't get fired, because I'm not gonna act on it.
You wouldn't mind if he was dating someone? Why, is he? He is, isn't he? He's dating that slut in marketing.
Maybe I should open a divorced men's club.
Dude, that's so sad.
I could put a basketball court in the back.
Could I play? Oh, no sit-ups today, Tag? -I just did them.
-Well, drop and give me 1 0 more.
What? I had a drink with lunch.
-Did those cost reports come in? -I did them last night.
Could you make me 4 copies? -Sure.
-Great, thank you.
Huh.
Oh.
-Hey, Rachel.
-Hi, Melissa.
What's up? I'm just about to go out to the store.
Get some stuff to put in my backpack.
Dried fruit and granola, and stuff like that.
-What's up? -Is Tag here? No.
Why? I was gonna talk to him about tonight.
Really? You got a little crush on Tag there, do ya? We've been flirting back and forth.
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but I was hoping tonight it would turn into something a little more.
Easy there, Melissa.
This ain't a locker room, okay.
But you know, I remember him saying that he had plans tonight.
-Oh, no.
-Oh, yeah.
All right, back to work.
Hey, isn't that Tag's backpack? I don't want to be known as the office bitch, but I'll call your supervisor.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Great, that's great, Monica.
Great.
Now, Chandler, you want to give us a smile? Okay.
-I'm sorry, is the seat uncomfortable? -No, I am.
Chandler, I know you can do this.
You have a beautiful smile.
-I do? -Yeah.
Maybe you don't have to smile.
Let's try something else.
-Try looking sexy.
-Okay.
Or not.
Hi, Joey, what are you doing here? I got an audition down the street, and I spilled sauce on my shirt.
-You got an extra one? -Yeah, sure.
Here.
Great.
You got anything that's not Ralph Lauren? Yeah, I don't think so, Joe.
I guess this'll be fine.
-What are you doing tonight? -Nothing.
Why? How would you feel about taking out Tag? I'll pay.
It's gonna take a lot of money for me to go out on a date with a dude.
I'm not asking you to go on a date with him.
Really? Because I could kind of use the money.
He's new in town and he doesn't have any guy friends.
Take him to a ball game or something.
I'd appreciate it.
-Yeah, okay, no problem.
-Thank you.
Ooh, hey, doughnuts! I know.
Let's try a look.
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of far-off wonderment.
Gaze into our future and think about our marriage and the days to come.
Chandler, what is the matter with your face? This picture should say "Geller and Bing to be married" .
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not "Local woman saves drowning moron.
" (LAUGHS) Hey, don't laugh at him.
He's my drowning moron.
That's it, that's it! Take it, take it! I like this one.
It seems to say, "I love you and that's why I have to kill you.
" Can't all be bad.
Find the one where you make your bedroom eyes.
There it is.
Oh, my God, those are my bedroom eyes? Why did you ever sleep with me? Do you really want to pull at that thread? -I'm having a good time.
-Me too.
Sorry that guy on the subway licked your neck.
No, that's okay.
He's a friend.
I don't mean to be presumptuous.
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but I have tickets to the ballroom-dancing finals tomorrow.
Yeah, l-- Well, I missed the semifinals, so I think I would just be lost.
I know it's lame, but I got these tickets from my boss-- Oh, no, no, no, my God! Okay, don't freak out.
I'll go.
It's my ex-wife, Whitney.
I cannot deal with her now.
She's crazy.
Okay, I know.
Hold on.
-Hey, Ross.
-Yeah.
That's Whitney, Kyle's ex-wife out there.
Do you think you could divert her so we could slip out? What? No.
Okay, but I have two tickets to the ballroom-dance finals.
I don't think so, Pheebs.
All right, I'll do it.
-But just because you're a friend.
-Okay.
Oh! Hi, Ginger.
I want my key back.
-I don't have it.
-It's right there.
Okay, Sherlock.
I'm sorry, but you'd better go.
I just wanted to thank you for diverting Kyle's ex.
You're welcome.
We'll talk about it later.
-Hi, Whitney.
-Hi, Ross.
-Are you ready for breakfast? -Yep.
Kyle's ex-wife? You were supposed to divert her, not date her.
Can you give me a second while I talk to this woman.
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who, by the way, did not spend the night? -Sure.
-Okay.
I did divert her, and we ended up having a great time, okay? Watching ballroom dancing? Yes, that's where we realized we were both super cool people.
Look, Kyle just told me some really bad stuff about her.
Like what? Like she's really mean, and she's overly critical and-- She will paint a room a really bright color without even checking with you.
Okay.
And she uses sex as a weapon.
Thank you for warning me.
At breakfast, I'll be on alert for room painting and sex weapons.
-You're still gonna go out with her? -Yeah.
Well, didn't you hear what I just said? Pheebs, come on.
I mean, consider the source.
Of course her ex-husband's gonna say that stuff.
Now if you'll excuse me.
Listen to me, she is crazy! WHITNEY: Your door isn't soundproof.
You see? Nothing is good enough for her.
-Morning.
-Hi, Tag.
-Did you have fun with Joey? -Yeah, we went to the Knicks game.
That's nice.
Then we went to a bar, and he hooked us up with all these women.
Women? You mean, like old women? Kind of old, like 30.
I never used to be able to talk to girls in bars.
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but I got like 20 phone numbers last night.
That's great.
Joey must have really taught you some stuff.
A little.
How you doing? See? That's a great smile.
Easy, natural.
Now pretend I have a camera.
-You're changing it.
-I can't help it.
You want to know what I do when I take résumé shots? Borrow money from me? Yeah.
Okay, first of all, you want to make it look spontaneous.
So here's what I do.
I look down, look down, keep looking down.
Then I look up.
See? Now you try.
Look down.
You're looking down.
Keep looking down.
Why is there jelly on your shoe? I had a donut.
-Hi.
-Hey.
So, I heard you had some fun with Tag last night.
Yeah, that guy's all right.
Yeah, and you had fun teaching him how to be all "Joey.
" -What? -You know, all the women.
You can't teach someone to be good with women.
That's why I never had any luck with Chandler.
I'm right here.
Would you mind just not going out with him again? Just the idea of you and he and all these women-- I know he's my assistant, and we can't date! But it bothers me, all right? No, no, no, you can't take him away from me.
I got a great partner to pick up girls with.
Finally! I'm still right here.
Will you talk to him.
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and tell him how unsatisfying this dating-tons-of-women thing is? What? I don't want him to meet anybody until I'm over my crush.
I will get over it.
It's not like I love him.
It's just physical.
I get these crushes all the time.
I had a crush on you at first.
I know.
Monica told me.
Did you have a crush on me when we first met? Yeah, sure.
Can you people not see me? Will you talk to him? -I don't know, Rach.
-I'll give you 1 0 Ralph Lauren shirts.
One.
No, 1 0.
You said 1 0.
You can't take that back.
You wanted to talk to me? I don't know.
You got something for me? Yeah, this is from Rachel.
Ten.
Okay.
Tag, there's such a thing as too many women.
-Really? -Yeah, for you.
-Hey, there you are.
-There I am.
-You okay? -Yeah, Joey said I needed to relax.
So he gave me an antihistamine.
What? I fell asleep on the subway and went to Brooklyn.
Brooklyn is far.
What were you thinking? But don't worry, because I know how to take a picture now.
Okay, see.
Look down.
Look down.
Look down.
-Chandler? -Yeah? -Hi.
-Hi.
How are things going with Crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet? Listen, you are hearing one side of the story.
Okay? FYl, she must have shown Kyle over 30 paint samples.
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before she painted that room.
And his response to each one was, "I don't give a tiny rat's ass.
" Maybe she should have spent a little less time decorating.
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and a little more time in the bedroom.
I don't think we are going to have that problem.
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but maybe it's because I am not emotionally unavailable.
You think he's emotionally unavailable? I think he can be.
Maybe he wouldn't be.
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if she didn't bring the office home every night.
Excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life.
Well, she certainly knew what she was doing New Year's Eve 1 997.
I knew you were going to throw that in my face! That was three years ago.
She apologized and apologized.
What more do you want?! We want the last 6 years back! So do we! So do we! I'm sorry you had to see that.
-Morning, Rachel.
-Hi.
Hey, so, what'd you do last night? -Went out with Joey.
-Yeah? Another night of bird-dogging the chicas? No, we had a really good talk.
I don't think I'll do the bar scene anymore.
Wow, I did not see that coming.
It's just not really who I am.
I've always been happier when-- Why am I telling you this? -You don't care about this stuff.
-Yes, I do.
You were saying, "I'm happier when l.
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" When I'm in a relationship.
-I love having a girlfriend.
-Really? Someone I can spoil, you know.
Spoil? -Let me ask you something.
-Uh-huh? Do you believe there's one perfect person for everyone? I'm starting to.
And if that person's in your life you should do something about it? Yes.
Hell, yes.
-All right, then, it's settled.
-Okay.
-I'm getting back together with my ex.
-I would love to! What? Hello? Oh.
This is gonna be a while.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
(PHOEBE TAPS SPOON) My God! Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that annoying? And speaking of being selfish in bed, how's Whitney? Maybe she wouldn't have to be selfish in bed.
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if someone else knew where everything was.
Oh, he knows.
For the most part.
Oh, hey.
Good, you're both here.
We kind of need to talk.
-Both of you together? -What's up? Well, I went over to Kyle's last night to pick up a few things.
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and we got to reminiscing.
KYLE: We talked most of the night.
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and realized the reason we're angry with each other.
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is because there are still feelings there.
So.
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Oh, just say it, Kyle! We're gonna try again.
What about her whining, and her constant need for attention? I'll work on that.
Right, because you're so capable of change.
You know, he hums when he pees.
-I do know.
-Makes him miss the bowl, but whatever.
We're so sorry.
That's all right.
We don't need you.
I'm over it already.
Yeah, and I don't even give a tiny rat's ass.
Yeah, we're gonna go.
I'm sorry.
Pheebs, you were right about her.
You know, she did try to use sex as a weapon.
Yeah, I hurt my back a little.
You know, he hums while he does other stuff too.
We're better off without them.
Even if they break up again, you better not let him in your sad men's club.
-Divorced men's club.
-Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
Hey, guys, check it out.
-My mom sent me the paper.
-Let's see it.
-Oh, yeah, that looks good.
-You make a very attractive couple.
-Yeah, we look great together.
-We really do.
Okay.
Imagine what our kids would look like.
We don't have to imagine.
I'm marrying her.
We'll just see.