Hustle s07e05 Episode Script

It's a lot of money.
So before I do the deal, I need to look you in the eye and ask you, Johnny, is there any reason, any reason at all, why I should be nervous about doing this? Mr Coleman, I assure you No offence, but this is the man I've already done business with.
This is the man I know I can trust.
I need to hear it from him.
Johnny is there any reason, any reason at all, why I should not transfer the money? World politics, editorial comment, current affairs, means nothing to you? Depends on their odds.
Which race are they in? I'm going to stick with Blinkered Outlook.
It's a tragedy, it's a bloody tragedy.
My football team, gone under.
I spent half me life down that club! Butcher Boyland, Chopper Norris, cup of Bov, dog roll Is he still speaking English? And now it's gone, just like that.
Part of your heritage, part of my community, gone forever, and do you want to know why? Cos it got infected, didn't it? Infected with the same disease that's going to kill 'em all off soon enough, greed.
I want to tell you a story about a man who had a dream that ordinary fellas would come together once a week and worship.
And these gods that we came to adore, they weren't invisible deities who demanded we fear them or abase ourselves before them.
Nah, these gods were just like us.
Hard-working men who came from the same factories we worked in, who played for the same reasons we watched.
For the joy! Not for the money, not for the fame, not for the loose cars and fast women.
Don't you mean Because they loved what they did! Let me tell you.
In 1862, Ebenezer Cobb Morley had a dream that this beautiful game of ours would be played in every town, every village, every city in the land.
And now, 150 years after he formed the Football Association of Great Britain, that dream lies in tatters, my friends.
Ripped apart by the greed of the players, the managers, the owners and the ones that corrupt them all .
.
the agents.
Well, I say to you, we can no longer sit back and watch this dream die forever, watch communities like Railton be ripped apart, because football is my game! Football is your game, football is our game and I want it back! Yeah, well, you're supposed to clap and cheer at that bit, you know? There's lolly in it.
Lots of lovely lolly.
Why didn't you say? You should have said something half an hour ago.
THEY CHATTER Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me introduce you to Don Coleman.
Agent, businessman, cockroach.
Three months ago he pulled up outside a house in the back streets of Railton.
If you look like a general, and you walk like a general and you sound like a general, then you are a general.
You want me to wear a general's uniform? I want you to wear a suit that cost more than my lunch.
Shit! Gino Genovase.
Runs Genovase Talent Ltd.
Wasn't supposed to be here till tomorrow.
Remember, kid, we're like sharks.
We stop moving forward, we die.
TYRES SQUEAL You can't do that! That was When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
No-one's going to steal this boy from me.
This boy is my suite at Sandy Lane, this boy is my new Merc.
If anybody asks, he stepped out in front of me.
There was nothing I could do.
But you Correct.
Get out.
Come on! Follow my lead.
Step back, step back, step back.
Mr Price, how are you? Looking really, really good.
Do you mind if we come in? Eh? Oh, Mrs Price, you look a million dollars.
You're not Gino.
Well, I'm so sorry to have to tell you this but Gino Genovase was arrested this morning on child pornography charges, so I've taken the liberty of popping over to help you out this little hole.
Now, where's the infant prodigy? Your son, where's your son? Oh, right.
Asda? I tell you what, you carry on making the tea and I'll pop up and Pete will take you through our draft contract.
But we didn't want to sign today.
And you absolutely shouldn't sign today.
It's a huge decision you're making.
In fact, I forbid you from signingtoday.
So Asda was a Railton lad born and bred.
He came up through their young talent programme and they've been waiting for this day, when their hard work would pay off, and they could recoup the money they'd invested in the lad, with his transfer fee to a bigger club.
Cristal champagne, Asda.
Imagine that - the best champagne money can buy.
What about lager? Or lager.
You like lager, I'll get you lager, the finest lager in the world.
On tap! And cars? A new Porsche every week.
Smash it up.
Boom! Get another one.
And the girls, Asda.
Oh, the girls, what they'll do for you, everything, anything.
There'll be roasts every night of the year.
Chicken or beef? Mainly pork.
With gravy? Oh, Asda, there'll be lots of gravy, Asda.
There'll be gravy for everyone.
All you have to do is pop downstairs, tell your mum and dad you want to sign our draft contract now.
Remind them that City's window is now, and you insist on signing today.
So the boy signed, and Railton started to spend the 100 grand they thought they were going to get, but Coleman had pulled a flanker, hadn't he? Some legal small print no-one had spotted.
Which meant no transfer fee was due if he left before his 16th birthday.
Asda was 15 years, day Coleman signed him to City.
No way.
But why would he do that? What difference does it make to Coleman whether Railton get their transfer fee? Because no transfer fee made Price a more attractive buy for City.
Which meant Coleman was able to negotiate a bigger weekly wage, which upped his commission.
So Coleman made five grand more and cost Railton 100.
They went into administration a week later.
Evil.
Isn't it? But a perfect mark.
Exactly.
So how do we get him? Let's find who he is first, and then we'll take it from there.
People like to buy.
People love to buy.
Doesn't matter if it's a car, a laptop or a footballer, people love to buy.
And why do they like to buy? It's because in this unsure world, full of ups and downs, ins and outs, comings and goings, if you sell our product well, it comes gift wrapped in your certainty that this product will enhance the punter's life! And let me tell you, gentlemen, the punter likes that.
Oh, the punter loves it! It makes him feel all warm and gooey inside and when he feels all warm and gooey inside, that, my friend, is when you have the sucker! Yeah! Let's all make some money! CHEERING RADIO: 'To Marquez.
Oh, what a crunching tackle 'by the City left back.
Don Coleman.
' This is my kind of research.
Not half.
Another beer, please, Ed.
Tell us about your latest signing, Don.
Jason's a simple lad, with simple tastes.
That's why we're quite confident here at Footstar that Fresh-Pops will benefit from its association with such a down-to-earth fella.
See, hand to eye co-ordination, innit? You've either got it GLASS SMASHES Or you haven't.
Eddie was just telling me that he was something of a sportsman himself in his day.
Really? Oh, yeah, yeah, I mean, you know, I've let meself go a bit, but in me time I had trials, you know.
We've all had trials, Eddie.
It's the convictions that count.
Right, we ready? OK, Sean Ex-footballer himself, he set up Footstar with the insurance pay-off he got from an injury and used the skills he learnt on the pitch, cheating and intimidation mainly, to make it successful quickly.
Well, he had some run-ins with the FA and then the allegations about tapping up.
He procured some forged visas for foreign players, but nothing's ever stuck.
Why? Because he was the original Teflon Don.
Last year he brokered deals worth over ã100 million.
He looks after several England players and heactually managed to secure them pay rises AFTER South Africa.
No! I'm getting angry again now.
Don't let him get angry, he starts making speeches.
All right.
Emma.
Alongside the agency, he now also runs a sponsorship company, tying up his players to products.
In the last 18 months, he's attempted to broker the purchase of at least one Premiership side.
But the deal always falls through because he's out of his depth.
Judging by what I saw last night, Don Coleman represents everything that's going wrong with the game.
He thinks he's beyond ordinary morals.
If he thinks that, then he's going to teach those lessons to the players.
So how do we rope him in? Don Coleman is a salesman.
That's the only thing he really understands.
So we have to brush up on our sales patter.
Then we can offer him the only thing he's really interested in.
Money? Exactly.
Money in the form of a bribe, to secure a work permit for Brandon Casey, our new star striker looking to relocate all the way from Canada.
And if he takes the bribe? If he takes it, he trusts us.
Then we offer him what he really wants.
Exactly.
A seat at the big boys' table.
Yes.
The chance to broker the sale of a football club toAlbert.
What possibly could go wrong? Sorry, did I miss something? What do I do? Oh.
It's a bit of a backroom role on this one, Emma.
Lots of R and D necessary, of course, but you can't be front line, can you? Can't I? Why? Well, it's just It's just what? It's just you're a woman.
What, and women and football don't go? Well Oh, Ash, that is so sexist.
Sexist? There's nothing I like better than watching 22 gorgeous women in tight-fitting shorts rolling about in the mud.
I see what you did there.
Like I said, there's lots of R and D necessary.
You'll still be a vital part of the con.
Oh, God, yeah, vital, essential, key, in fact.
Now, where's me bleedin' dinner? It's a joke.
Then you've got the assumptive, of course.
What's that one? "We need to discuss your life insurance.
Which day would be best for you, Monday or Thursday?" I got it.
And then there's the puppy dog.
"Oh, you don't want a puppy, sir? "How about you take it home on a free trial.
Is that OK with you, kids?" He does listen! And you've got your Ben Franklin.
"Ben Franklin always used to make a list "of all the pros and cons, ma'am.
How's about we do the same?" But then my favourite is the negative.
The negative? You take it away from them.
If you tell someone they can't have something, it becomes the only thing in the world they actually want.
It's risky.
We want to plant a seed in his head, leave it there, let it grow and harvest it later on.
And then, bam, he's ours.
All right there, mate? Can I help you? One minute and 48 seconds.
Oh, dear.
I'm sorry, who Planes - too hard now.
Trains - been there, done that.
So what aspect of British culture do you think your crazed terrorist is likely to strike at next? Er Exactly, and you've just given him one minute and 48 seconds to recce your facility.
We knew things were bad, but not this bad.
What's your name, son? Michael, Michael Williams.
OK, Mr Michael Williams, I'm ready to go inside now.
Er Bez, come on, why are you making an issue here? There is no problem.
You don't open till 11, we'll be out by 10.
I need you to trust me on this one.
Just one favour, that's all I'm asking, all right? Trust me.
Guys, listen up, those of you lucky enough to be chosen, you need to be here by seven.
It's for a private event for a sports charity.
Come on, look alive! Hi.
And you are? Cheryl Cole.
Right.
But I can also do Michelle Heaton or Posh at a push, if it's not too close up.
Yeah, we would need to be within the same county, I'm afraid, love.
OK.
Thank you.
We'll call you.
Next, please.
Don't tell me, Peter Crouch.
OK, Michael, where are we now? Section G, pitch level, south end.
Like you said.
Effectively in the heart of the stadium.
Yes.
Pitch side, training session in progress.
And you don't even know my name.
What? You don't even know my company's name.
No, but you said Yet you have led me, Michael, into the heart of the stadium because of some frankly quite crude auto suggestion on my part.
I could be a complete fraud.
Wait in your office.
I'll be ten minutes.
All right.
You're calling him a liar, You're calling him a liar? Is that right? I mean how's that going to work? You tell me how that's going to work.
Explain that cos you're making no sense, Susan.
We're going round in circles here, girl.
You what? Say that again.
No, no, no, no, no.
It don't work like that, girl.
No, listen.
If you're not making me any money, then you're working for the competition.
Are you working for the competition, Susan? No, wrong answer.
You're working for no-one, you're fired.
Unbelievable! Good-looking girl, brain the size of a peanut.
Get us a cup of tea.
Three sugars.
Yeah, yeah, but I bet it's worse for them.
Same training regime every day of every week of every year.
Can you imagine? I should think 100 grand a week softens the pain.
Yes, I should think it does, yes.
Well, I'm here for work.
What's your excuse? Same.
I'm an agent.
Oh, smart man.
Knows where the money is.
Sorry, James Buckingham, Hawford and Buckingham Ltd.
Don Coleman.
Footstar.
Hawford and Buckingham? I've not heard of them.
What game are they in? Oh, it's all very dull, I'm afraid.
Investment mainly, bit of VC, bit of FIE.
All in the leisure industry, finding money for projects.
What sort of projects? Anything that'll net us shed loads of cash.
HE LAUGHS We put together the lion's share of the Emirates package, we're heavily involved in the Olympic site, we're moving into club ownership.
You know, introducing money to opportunity.
I've got a few contacts in that area myself, club ownership.
Yeah? You know, potential investors who are looking to put money into a football club.
There's not many about because the numbers are so big, but when you find 'em, you keep 'em close.
That's very interesting, Don.
You know, perhaps we should PHONE BEEPS Sorry.
No worries.
Oh, bugger off, Boris! Look, Don, I have to go, but are you coming to this knees-up later on? Knees-up? Sports bash in the City, Kahiti's.
I think it might be good if we could talk further.
Oh, yeah, yeah, right I've got loads of tickets, shall I put a couple on the door? Yeah.
I'll leave four.
Cool.
Good to meet you, see you later on.
Right.
Nice to meet you.
Bit of business, Don.
Bit of business.
I mean, I get the same, Em.
They don't take me seriously sometimes.
Yeah? I've got skills they know nothing about.
Really? Yeah, listen, I worked in the City for a long time.
As a trader? Yeah, I was in sandwiches, had me own lunch round.
Oh, OK.
I worked at MI5, did their windows for years.
And I bet you didn't know this.
I was nearly a famous actor once.
All right, guys, he's here.
Let's have a party.
LOUD DANCE MUSIC No, I know how it happened.
Get to my office, find it, fax it to him.
Yes, immediately.
Call me back, call me back.
Don, glad you could make it.
How are you? I'm good.
Better than you by the looks of it.
Just lost a ruddy investor.
Oh, right.
Big one? Supposed to be in for 20.
I can't imagine 20k's gonna be hard for a man like you to replace.
Million, Don.
20 million.
Look, I'm sorry but I have to go and sort this out.
We were going to have I talked to my co-directors.
They're keen for us to meet properly.
If I could just have five min I'll call you, Don.
You're on my radar.
James five Yeah, no, no, I've just finished with Fabio now.
Yeah, no, he said he's definitely going to help us 100%.
All right, I'll meet you in the bar in two minutes.
All right, all right.
Bye-bye.
Sorry, sorry, are you Don Coleman? Yeah, who wants to know? Brandon Casey.
I wrote you a few years back looking for representation.
I'm a footballer.
Yeah? Yeah.
I recognised you from your website.
Well, looks like you got a few connections now, kid.
Just a few, I'm hoping they can help me.
I'm trying to move over here from Ontario.
You're Canadian? Yeah, yeah, I lived here when I was growing up but technically I'm a Canadian citizen hence the problems with the work permit, blah, blah, blah, you know what it's like.
Johnny! Listen, we should talk.
That's my guy.
Come on, kid! Take care, Don, look after yourself.
Excuse me, excuse me, sorry to jump in like this.
Would you by any chance be this young man's agent? I certainly am.
Johnny Savage, but the guys call me Mr ABC.
Always Be Closing? Hey, a kindred spirit.
Find the need but sell the want.
One foot in the door is worth two on the desk.
If at first you don't succeed, boom, you're fired.
Don Coleman.
I run a UK agency called Footstar.
I think you might just need my help.
Sit down? The only reason I didn't get it, and Dickie phoned me personally to tell me this, the only reason I did not get that role - eyes the wrong colour.
I've got blue eyes.
Gandhi's were brown.
And I mean, they couldn't have just given you coloured contact lenses? Contact lenses.
Not authentic, you see.
They wanted authenticity.
Sir Ben had real brown eyes.
That was the only difference between us.
Right.
Mickey, hi.
Hi.
Come and sit down.
Have a beer.
It's my shout.
In fact you can have two.
Hold on I'll get you one.
I'm just going to go to the toilet.
Mickey, did I ever tell you about the time I worked in the City? I tell you, this kid is special, Don.
I've seen a lot of players in my time, even repped some of the greats, but this kid, I swear he's the new Pele, the new Maradona, the new Rooney.
Fabio loves him, Sir Alex, Roy, Carlo, they're all interested.
I've got a couple of people in immigration, who have sorted out problems like this for me before.
Are you serious? Chinese lad last year couldn't get a permit, ran out for Rovers last week.
Hey, now, Don, if you could help us, we really would be very grateful.
How grateful? OK, if you can genuinely get me a permit that passes muster, it'll be worth 25 grand to you.
Sterling.
No.
OK, OK, how much? Nothing.
I'll get you the paperwork for free.
But when he's sold, I want in on the commission, 50-50.
In on the commission? And I will earn every penny of that, Johnny, because I'll do the deal.
But that is my job.
This is not your manor and with all due respect, you do not have the contacts I have.
I'm the best salesman in the business.
I will get him double what you would get him and you would be a fool not to accept my offer.
Right.
So what did you say? What could I say, that I'd think about it.
So now what? We quit? No.
He actually wants to try and sell Brandon.
He's not even going to start trying to do that until he's confirmed he's as good as you said.
Even if we convince him, he'd have to convince a real team of the same.
We've been in worse situations but I can't think of any.
What are you actually like at football? Well He's got two left feet.
That's harsh.
At school there was a kid with no legs got picked before him once.
Tell you what I am good at.
Celebrations.
Get in there! Come on! What you thinking? I think I'm thinking what you're thinking.
What do you think I'm thinking? Goal celebrations.
You think right.
Emma, we may actually need your help on this one.
What, to slice some half-time oranges? Oh, a bit more fun than that.
It was part of his dying wish, to literally become part of this club that he loved so much.
So if you could just give us half an hour alone, we'd be so grateful.
Take as long as you need, love.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Right, lads, lots of hugging, lots of kissing, jumpers off.
Let's celebrate.
Come on.
Come on, have some of that! Yeah, come on Hey, how's it going? Oh, do you know, mate, it's harder than I thought.
But you can do it? He brought down my old club, Mickey.
Failure's not an option.
All right.
Come on, baby.
Don, James Buckingham here, I'm on a train so I'm probably going to cut out.
All right, yeah, go on.
Our company has some lucrative deals on the horizon and we have a role for Footstar.
Which is what exactly? A bridge between our investment opportunities and the high net worth sports personalities you work with all the time.
OK, yeah, yeah, good.
We have absolutely no doubt some sort of partnership would be very profitable for us both.
So I would like us to Hello? James? PHONE RINGS PHONE STOPS RINGING James, it's Don Coleman.
Give us a call back, mate.
PHONE RINGS Yeah, come on, who's that, who's that! Yeah! Oh, come on.
This is money, this is money! Three grand a week and I can't get a bloody reception in this place! Did you want a biscuit with your tea? No, I don't want a sodding biscuit! "Here's Wallace with the ball and he's taking it down the left-hand side "and oh, that is a fantastic line down through to" Oh, I am good.
I am very good.
You're also Sepp Friedel, Yeah? Who else? Bonjachek, Piranesi and Meissen.
You're a Euro pudding.
So are these ready to post now? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you ready? Yeah I'll be a scout Coleman hasn't dealt with before so he won't know him to speak to.
And as for the other callers, Emma's had a bit of a brainwave.
Thought I smelt burning.
Hilarious.
OK, let's do this.
Call Coleman, tell him the deal is on and that Brandon Casey's for sale.
Albert, get Sean plastered.
Yeah, then let's show this cheating, slimy toad that he dicks with my football team at his peril.
Are you talkin' to me? Are you Hang on a minute, see how I get on with this.
Are you talkin' to me? Well I'm the only one here.
Oh, all right? I was just brushing up on the old skills, you know.
I don't want to let you down, Em.
I'll take this off.
"He really is worth his weight in gold, absolutely worth his weight in gold.
" Oooh, get in, go on! Boom! Oh! So is he good or is he good? He's good.
Shall I get him in? Nah, let's go see him.
We'll have to look what's out there.
Who wants what.
I'll probably have to film a training session with him and What the What? What do you mean 'what'? He's on bloody crutches! I ripped the tendons.
I told you about that.
You never said anything! What's the problem? It's just a little tear.
He'll be back in a couple of weeks.
But how am I supposed to sell him NOW when he's on bloody crutches? You could sell under-arm deodorant to the Venus de Milo.
Anyway, we're selling those and we're selling these.
Remember, find the need, sell the want.
Mr Coleman, I've got Ray Bowles on line three for you.
Ray who? The scout? Says he wants to talk to you about a new lad you've taken on, Brandon Casey.
How did he know about that? Good news travels fast.
OK, OK.
This could work, with the injury.
A buzz means a frenzy and a frenzy means a quick sale.
Boom! Punch him through, and do something about your face.
You're putting me off my lunch.
Oh, mate, mate, listen, you can moan all you like, but you've got more chance of winning silverware than Brandon becoming a Gooner so bye-bye, close the door on your way out.
Cheeky Don Coleman, hello? Don, how you doing, mate? Yeah, big fella, how you doing? What can I do for you? Well, I was just ringing about this new boy you've taken on, the lad Casey.
What, Brandon? Yeah, yeah, you heard of him, have you? Saw him play last year out in Toronto.
Something special, ain't he? Not bad, Don, not bad, so look PHONE RINGS Hello, Footstar.
Tell him it's Alan Bristol from City calling about Brandon Casey.
He's actually on the phone at the moment.
Would you mind holding? All right, thank you.
There's a position opened up in our squad, we think your Brandon's the one to fill it.
Well, listen, Ray, here's the deal, I've got offers coming out my arse on this one.
Not as good as ours, Don.
Listen, mate, I'm telling you, I've got top offers so if you're interested, move fast, cos I'm looking to shift him out the door today.
Today? Look, Don, obviously I'd have to see him.
Ray, mate, you've already seen him.
In Canada, I'd still have to Ray, you know what the boy can do.
Sure, but Look, just forget it, right? Forget it, because you're obviously not serious and to be honest, I haven't got the time so thanks for the call.
Wait, wait, wait.
All right, give me some figures, Don.
Very nice doing business with you, Ray.
I'll have the contracts and the work permits on a bike asap.
Yeah, yeah, all the best.
Bye-bye.
three-year contract and they pay your National Insurance.
The Don is on! I am the Don! You are the Don! I am the Don.
And the Don is ON! And you, Johnny Savage, you owe me 50 grand.
You are the Don.
The King Don.
Wait, we're to hand over As convincers go, you have to admit it's pretty convincing.
And then Ash introduces the idea of his potential football club buyer? Billionaire businessman Mr Karl Schultz.
And Coleman sees the opportunity to broker the sale between Schultz and James Buckingham.
You.
Yeah.
What could be simpler? Erm, I just thought you might like to know, I do animal noises as well.
Honk.
Canada goose, you know, just if you need it.
Honk, what was that? I think that was a goose.
Oh, a goose.
You know, the difference between try and triumph? It's just a little bit of oomph.
Voice of velvet, heart of stone, you could sell the Pope a condom.
You're a true gentleman, Johnny, you know that? You are a true gentleman.
You know, there's someone I'd like you to meet, Don.
Yeah? A friend of mine from New York.
I've done a couple of deals for him in the past, but he's mostly Europe based now and I don't really have the contacts here.
What's his game? Hotels, casinos, shopping malls, but sold up a couple of years back.
I mention him cos he's a big soccer fan and he's looking to get involved in a club on an investment basis.
You ever come across opportunities like that? Mmmm, maybe.
From time to time.
Really? What's this fella's name? The negative close thing, you don't think we've played it a bit too negative? It's fine, he'll call.
He'll call.
PHONE RINGS James Buckingham.
James, Don Coleman.
Don, how are you? Yeah, not bad, not bad.
To what do I owe the pleasure? James, I was just wondering That investment problem you had, did you manage to sort it? No, not yet, still working on it.
Right, right.
Do you mind me asking what sort of investment was it? For your ears only? Of course, James.
It's a football club, Don.
Why? Know of an investor? James, can we meet? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK, yeah, see you then.
And that is kick-off! Come on you Railton! The Minnesota Tigers.
Yank outfit? Yeah, what? Is that a problem? No, no, my client's an American.
Really? Very good.
Well, they were recently valued at a little under 150 million US.
Our consortium has secretly been buying stock over the last month and we were near effective ownership when our problem occurred.
The 20 million? Yeah, yeah.
So Don, this isn't a buy, strip and flip, we're offering a simple bootstrap deal, LBO or HLT, with a combination of syndicated loan and high-yield bonds, or a mezzanine arrangement, with floating instruments pegged to the London Interbank Offered Rate.
Which one would your man go for? The second one.
The second one, very smart choice, pre-payable at the rate of the issuer with a no-call period of three to five years.
But look at me.
What am I doing, blah, blah, blah, teaching my grandmother to suck eggs.
So Don, finders fee, standard 1%? look at me - crucified.
One and a quarter then, bastard.
Should net you 250 thou.
Lastly, we have the time issue.
How long you got? I have it on good authority there's a journalist from one of the Sundays sniffing around the story.
Story breaks, bid is dead so we have effectively 24 hours to find that money.
Bottom line, Don, can you do it? Can you sell this baby? James, I could sell salt to a slug.
Leave it with me.
HA! Good man.
That's what I like to hear.
LAUGHS Salt to a slug.
You will call me as soon as you find out? Take care, James.
< Will do.
< Salt to a slug! Love it.
Oh, lord, oh, blimey.
Walk away, Don.
Out your depth, walk away.
Flip strip and mezzanine arrangement, floating pegs Oh, you cannot sell this, Don.
You do not understand a bloody word.
One phone call, quarter of a million quid.
Nice and calm, Don, nice and easy.
PHONE RINGS Johnny Savage.
Johnny, I think I need to see your man.
I think I might have a deal for him.
Get in there! Yeah! Das is gut, ja, ja? The land of 10,000 lakes.
Minnesota means star-tinted water in the Dakota language.
Oh, right, you, you know the area? My father moved from Berlin as a young man.
Right, before the war? No after.
He was otherwise engaged during.
Right.
They welcomed him, made him feel safe till he met my mother.
Then we moved to New York when I came along.
But I've always felt a debt of gratitude to the place.
So your people sent these over a couple of hours ago, boring legal stuff.
I haven't had time to read them.
So you will tell me, what is this deal? OK.
Well, it's not a buy, strip andwhip.
They're offering either a simple shoelace deal, LSO or HRT, with a combination of syndicated loan and high-grain bonds, or a little mezzanine arrangement.
Revolving credit? All the way round, superior secured with floating-rate instruments pegged to the London interface offered rate.
Pre-payable at the option of the issuer with a no-call period of five to seven, ja? Three to five, I'm afraid.
They know what they're doing, ya? Yeah, but you got to move fast, Karl.
There's a journalist sniffing around, if the story breaks, the deal collapses.
I can't be rushed, Johnny.
This journalist SPEAKS IN GERMAN .
.
wood chipper.
I don't think so, Karl.
I shall read it.
If I like it, Johnny will call you tomorrow morning before ten with my answer.
I hope we have a business deal, Herr Coleman.
HE SPEAKS IN GERMAN The bill.
Oh, I'll get this.
HE ATTEMPTS TO SPEAK GERMAN What was that about a wood chipper? No, no, no, it's just a joke, you did good.
Right.
Blimey.
We are so bloody close, Albert, I can taste it.
I tell you we are so bloody Ash? Ash? I've got a great feeling about this one.
I think Shultz wants to invest so Savage will meet me by ten, and if it's a thumbs up they'll need sort codes, bank details, everything to make the transfer.
'I'll e-mail it over.
' And, Don, I've got a good feeling about it too.
How long's it been now? Nine hours.
I can't believe it.
This is awful.
Yep.
Completely buggered up the con.
Well, it's awful for Ash too obviously.
You can see him now.
Oh, Ash All right.
I'm so pleased you're OK.
How are you feeling? Sexually aroused by the feel of your firm breast against my chest.
Ash, that's my sister! Ask me what I think of the consultant? You what? Just ask me! Fine.
What do you think about the consultant? He's a pompous git with a tiny head and a mouth like an arse.
Albert, ask me if I like your cooking.
Like I thought you loved my cooking.
Don't you? It tastes like the elephant house at London Zoo and if I never have to eat another mouthful I shall die a happy man.
I'm sorry Albert, Em, I don't mean to say these things, but I can't help it.
What do you mean? What's wrong with you? What's wrong with him? Your friend has developed an unusual condition as a result of his head injury.
What condition? Creutzman-Belling syndrome.
It's one of the most severe cases I've ever come across.
Sorry, Creutzman what? Belling syndrome.
It's a rare side effect of certain cranial traumas with subsequent oedema in the left pre frontal lobe with the result that the patient develops a complete and profound inability to lie.
For a con man, something of a handicap, I'd have thought.
You told him you were a con man? Just after I told him I had his wallet.
Oh, OK, look there's a cure.
Tell me there's a cure.
No, there's no cure.
Sometimes it just goes away, sometimes people live with it for the rest of their lives.
Personally, with you, I hope it's the latter.
Any other questions? Is that a syrup? You're free to go.
Good morning to you.
Are they really impossibly firm? Yes, sorry.
Not even my shepherd pie? No, sorry.
The con is over, this one definitely, and maybe even No.
If you can't lie, you can't con! I only tell the truth when asked a direct question.
I can still be Johnny Savage, Albert can be Karl.
The only problem is if Coleman asks me a question that has an answer which exposes us.
Yeah, that's actually quite a big problem, Ash.
But is it? Not if those questions aren't allowed to be asked.
But how would you stop them? What if Emma goes to the meeting with Ash as Schultz's lawyer? Then when Coleman asks Ash a direct question, Emma, you can distract him, do whatever it takes to ensure Ash doesn't answer honestly.
And you really think you can pull this off, Ash? No, not a chance.
But it's worth a try, isn't it? I mean, it's only one meeting, and if we get through that, then we've got him.
He has got our dosh.
Yeah.
Emma what do you think? I'm a woman, surely I'll mess things up? Come on, he's met everyone else.
It has to be you.
Please.
Pretty please.
Go on, then.
Good.
OK, how long have we got? I said I'd call him and arrange a meet.
Talk at him, don't give him a chance to get a word in edgeways, then set up the meeting.
We'll take it from there.
HE EXHALES DEEPLY Hi, Don, how you doing? I'm good.
So, I got some news.
I think we're in business and we need to meet.
Can I suggest Denby's restaurant in an hour? Hope that's OK.
Great talking to you.
Look forward to seeing you.
OK, got to run now.
Bye.
Piece of cake.
Johnny! HE LAUGHS How are you, mate? You good? He's good, yeah.
We're both good.
How are you? Good? Yeah, I'm good.
Who are you? I'm Jess, nice to meet you.
Right.
Don't tell me, she's your niece, right? Wro No, I'm Mr Schultz's lawyer.
Sure you are, darling.
You sly old dog.
Any more secrets you're not telling me? As a matter of fact Absolutely not, no, none at all.
You know, we don't have a lot of time, so can we get straight to it? A woman after my own heart.
My apologies.
By the sounds of it we're going to make some money? Well, you're not.
No.
You're not going to make some money, Mr Coleman, you're going to make lots of money! Schultz likes my deal? No, he does Doesn't like your deal, he loves your deal, and he's good to go, so all we need now are the transfer details.
It's that simple? Oh, it hasn't been simple, Don, trust me.
Right, well I've got the details right here.
Great.
Yeah.
Great.
This all looks like it's in order.
OK, I'll get that transferred straightaway.
And unless there's anything else? What, that's it? That's it.
Almost seems too easy.
Well, in a funny sort of way it is.
Well, I can't hang about.
People to see money to make.
Jess, it's been a pleasure, Johnny, I'll speak to you later? I don't think so.
Quarter of a million pound.
HE CHUCKLES I'm here to see James Buckingham.
James, me old mate.
Get your chequebook out, because as of 20 minutes ago, you owe me a quarter of a million sovs.
Don't you ruddy mate me! You what? Schultz's money has just come in.
Yeah.
14.
36! Sterling, yeah, and? "And", Don, "and"? How many times do I have to bloody tell you! You, take a tea break.
Tea break! Don, the conversion rate was based on the short Libor rate, plus .
25 points.
Those points, discounted on the swaps zero-coupon yield, and shifted by .
15 points to equal the actual market curve basis price, making, Don, making 14.
86 sterling.
This is kindergarten stuff.
Yes, just Now your man is nearly half a million short with 40 minutes to go before the papers hit the news stands and the deal collapses! Jesus.
I'm sorry! Don't be sorry, Don, don't be sorry, be better.
Could you please call your man and get him to wire the rest of the money now! I'll call my man, Johnny.
He'll sort it out.
I'll call him right now.
Jess speaking.
I need to speak to him, Jess.
Well, Johnny's on another call right now, and actually, we're on our way to the airport.
The airport? Yeah.
An ex-business partner of Mr Schultz's turned up on a pig farm in Connecticut.
Well, some of him turned up.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I know, so Johnny's flying over to the States now to help Mr Schultz sort things out.
Well? Just a minute.
We can't get hold of him.
Coleman, Coleman, we need that money.
We need that money and we need it fast! I don't care if it comes from your account or your client's account, if it is not in our account in 37 minutes, the deal collapses, you do not get one penny of your finder's fee, and I might be looking at suing your arse for breach of contract from here to Minne-bloody-sota! OK! OK.
Just calm down.
I can transfer the money from Footstar's account, no problem, get it back from Schultz later, Good.
I just need 15 minutes, James.
You don't have 15 minutes! 15 minutes and you'll have your money.
Look You see this? Do you want your finder's fee? It had better be 15.
I need to see Johnny.
Well, like I said I need to see Johnny now or the deal's off! We have to go back.
No, I can't.
Ash, we have to.
I can't.
All right.
OK, OK, yeah we'll get the later flight, and we'll see you back at the restaurant in ten.
Bye-bye.
So here's the deal.
There's been a slight bollocks with the figures, some currency rate issue.
Bottom line is Schultz is 500 grand light.
Now, I don't want to bother him on his day off.
He's got better things to think about.
So I have my bank on the line, here, and I am prepared to transfer the funds from my account, and get it back from the German later.
OK, but It's a lot of money.
So before I do the deal, I need to look you in the eye and ask you, Johnny, is there any reason, any reason at all, why I should be nervous about doing this? Mr Coleman, I can assure you No offence, but this is a man I've already done business with.
This is the man I know I can trust.
I need to hear it from him.
Johnny, is there any reason, any reason at all, why I should not transfer the money? Well, of course there is.
It's a con.
You are being completely turned over.
If you transfer that half a million, you'll never see it again.
What can I tell you, Don? I'm a professional con artist.
In fact, so is Jess here.
We're a team, Don, we're in it together.
Yeah, I'm not a football agent.
I'm not a lawyer.
Johnny's not my real name.
I'm called Emma.
Emma.
So you're not really an American? No, I'm from London, innit.
And that 50 grand you gave me, that was just to pull me in, right? Yeah, right, that was to earn your trust.
It's what we call a convincer! We call you the mark.
And I've fallen for it hook, line and sinker? So we thought.
But now you've seen through us.
Hey! We'll come quietly, officer.
Genius! Isn't it? You crack me up.
Oh, I crack me up, Don, I crack me up.
Yeah it's Don Coleman.
Transfer the money, it's all good.
It's fine.
Transfer the money.
Con artists! Oh, my God! You like that.
Oi! Champagne.
Come on.
Here we go.
There it is! Yes! Now that's what I'm talking about! That's the one.
Con artists James Buckingham? Someone? Anyone?! No! Perfect play there by Morgan and Kennedy and a richly deserved victory for Railton FC! So, do you think Coleman'll come looking for us? No, I think he'll be otherwise distracted.
As far as he's concerned, he has lost Karl Schultz's 20 million to a con artist.
If I were him, I'd be keeping a very low profile.
Oh, yes.
Railton.
Things couldn't have worked out better.
Yeah, except for Ash.
Mickey, what the hell are we going to do about him? Ash! Is he all right? Ash, are you OK? What happened? How many fingers am I holding up? One.
Oh, Ash.
Joke, Em, four.
I'm fine, I'm absolutely fine.
Wait, wait, wait.
A joke? Lie.
Lie.
Lie.
Lie.
Lie.
What's your name? Bob.
How old are you? 21.
What's your job? Brain surgeon.
How do you like my cooking? Oh, Albert, I love it, I absolutely love it.
Are you all right? Yeah, yeah.
Here's to us! Here's to us! We're back on! Cheers! An anonymous donor, apparently.
Over 200 grand.
Restores your faith, doesn't it? Don't come near me with that thing.
Dog roll, can't beat it.
I wouldn't even ask why they call it that.
It's delicious.
Pure minced lips and hoof.
Organic? Oh, of course.
Now don't mock until you've tried it.
Not a chance.
Come on, you Railton! HE LAUGHS