Inside No. 9 (2014) s07e05 Episode Script

Newton's first law states
that an object in motion
..will remain in motion
unless an external force
..imposes a change upon it.
Similarly, an object at
rest will remain at rest
until an unbalanced
force affects it.
This is also known as
the law of inertia.
Hi, how was your day?
Is there any food?
Yes, there's a whole fridge
full of food in front of you.
Yeah, but it's all olives
and hummus and shit.
Something to actually eat?
Um, not every meal comes in a tray,
Zach.
Some are made with what we
humans call ingredients.
Don't eat all the cereal, please.
There'll be none
left for the morning.
You can turn that off, you know.
Turn what off?
That stupid sound.
I like it.
It makes up for not having
a proper bloomin' keyboard.
What are you actually doing?
I'm booking a smear test,
if you must know.
Well, you asked.
It's giving me a migraine.
Don't exaggerate.
Just disable clicks!
I don't want to disable clicks!
You disable clicks.
I have done.
Fine, then.
So, how was your day?
Did you get your results back?
Zachary?
Yes.
I got a B.
What do you actually want?
It'd be nice if we could just talk.
You can talk, I'm not stopping you.
I meana conversation,
a bit of back and forth,
I've been here on my own all day.
That's not my fault.
I don't think it's too
much to ask to just sit
and have half an hour
together of an evening.
Look, I'm not your boyfriend.
If you want to talk to someone,
go onTinder.
I wasn't put on this
Earth to make you happy.
You can say that again.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Nothing.
You want to bin me
off like you did Dad?
Of course I don't.
And it was him who walked out,
remember? Not me.
I don't blame him.
Look, if I could go back
and do things differently,
I would do, but, Zach,
can't we, please, live together
without all of this
constant argy-bargy?
Let's cut the beef, bro.
No-one says beef any more.
Oh, bloody hell
Ah, yes, I, er
I found this little -
double T - bird
- Just outside your house.
- Right.
They fly towards their reflections
in the windows, unfortunately.
Oh, dear.
Can we do anything for it,
do you think?
Er,
if you had a small - double L - box
and a quiet space,
he might just come to.
Um, yes. Yeah, come in.
Oh, thank you.
Hopefully, it's not a concussion.
Sparrow, I think - double R.
Aw They're tough old birds.
Poor thing.
Er, shall I, er?
Oh, yeah. I'm Helen, by the way.
Oh, erm, Bob.
Bob Bliss - double S.
At least we know his
insides are functioning.
How?
Oh, here. Ooh!
Thank you, thanks.
It's very kind of you.
A lot of people
wouldn't have cared.
Oh, well, I have a teenager, so
..what's another feeble
creature to look after?
Both of mine have
flown the nest now.
Oh, lucky you.
No, I shouldn't say that.
- So, is he the mathematician?
- He?
Er, your teenager - double E.
Oh, Zach, yes, yes.
He's doing his A levels.
Yeah, maths, physics and chemistry,
God help him.
Ha, great combo.
I did my PhD in
physics at Cambridge
a few years ago.
It's a fascinating subject,
but a lot of it does depend
on the teaching.
Excuse me.
Yes. Zach's teachers are terrible,
so he tells me.
It's all - double L - relative,
so, er
Aw, this is my son, Zach.
Pleased to - double E - meet you.
Oh, bloody hell!
Come on. Oh!
There he goes!
Zach, this is Bob.
Bob studied physics at Cambridge.
Aren't you even going to say hi?
Hi.
Jinx!
Oh, you meant him say hi to me?
Apologies, er
Zach, you can speak now.
I know I can.
I'm not eight years old.
Right, as one uranium-238 nucleus
said to the other
uranium-238 nucleus,
"I've got to split."
He gets it.
Yeah, it's nice to have met you,
Helen.
Er, Zach,
best of luck with your studies.
Hope that teaching improves.
I live close by, if you ever
wanted to go through anything.
Wait, ermsorry.
You don't do any tutoring, do you?
It's just that Zach needs to
punch up his predicted grades.
- Mum!
- Well, it's true!
Don't you want to get into
a good uni, like Bob did?
She's so cringy, it's embarrassing.
I do have some spare
time at the moment.
That is to say, I'm not fully -
double L - engaged, erm
Yeah, why don't I come
round Thursday at six,
see - double E - how we get on?
- And then if Zach thinks it's useful
- Yeah, whatever.
Anything to avoid
spending time with her.
Newton's second law of motion,
in its simplest form,
can be expressed by
the equation F=ma,
or force equals mass
times acceleration.
It's why this car,
which has a greater mass,
will travel less far than this car
when identical force is applied.
Oh, this is top-notch, Zach.
Well - double L - done.
Remember to put the,
er, date on the top.
'62? Is that when you were born?
Yes, yes,
I'm afraid I am rather old.
So why is F=ma a special
case of the second law?
Well, it assumes that the
mass remains constant.
It uses an inertial
frame of reference.
Which means?
That there are no outside
forces acting on it
that make it accelerate.
Very good - double O.
So, what outside forces are
acting on you right now?
Gravity,
the Earth spinning,
you
And the harder you're pushed,
the further you can travel, yes?
OK. Thanks.
I, erm I couldn't help
but notice your tattoo
Double T - double O
Yeah, er
I only did it to piss my mum off.
And did it work?
She hasn't noticed.
That's how much she cares about me.
Oh, I think she does care, Zach.
I think she cares very deeply -
double E
but, as you know,
objects with the same force
Do repel each other.
Yeah.
I don't want to pry, but,
erm, is your father?
Oh. He, er, lives in Singapore.
He's got a new family now, so
..I don't really get
to see him that often.
That must be hard.
For you and for your mother.
I don't have a problem with it.
She's the one that's
fuckin' mental.
- That's a strong word to use.
- You don't have to live with her.
Zach
- I'm
- Dinner's ready!
OK.
- That was lovely, thank you.
- Sure you don't want a glass?
No, no, I'm fine.
Just one?
- Honestly.
- Just a little bit?
- Honestly, I'm fine.
- OK. Well, more for me.
Hey,
I've got some homework for you.
It's the Grand
National on Saturday.
Now, study the weights of
the horses and the jockeys.
Try and use physics to pick
us out a winner - double N.
You're teaching him gambling?
That's not very responsible.
It's not gambling if you
know who's going to win.
Pick me one, Zach.
Pick your own!
So
What do you do with your days?
If you don't mind me asking.
No, erm
I work part time as a book-keeper -
double O, double K, double E.
A bit of a mouthful.
Yes.
Wellyou could
bean egg batterer,
and then you'd say,
"Double G and T," every day!
You'd end up pissed!
So, go on,
why do you do it, BlobBob?
Bob Bliss.
Stop interrogating him.
What?
It's called conversation, Zach.
Listen and learn.
Go on, what's it all about?
Double X, double L?
Well, I suppose - double P - it's,
er, a mild form of OCD.
As a student of physics,
I was constantly trying to
find patterns - double T
in data and numbers,
and then in words.
Yeah, I find it calming.
I get it. When everything
feels like it's unravelling,
and you've just got to hold on to
something. It's like my clicks.
I need my clicks, and he
doesn't want me to have them,
but I say, "No, they're for me."
Fuck's sake.
Zach, come back. Come back now.
Why?
So I can sit there and listen
to you chat shit all night?
You're pathetic.
It's OK, honestly.
I dare say, it's just his hormones,
plus his dad walking out.
Up against my hormones,
plus red wine - not a good combo.
I'm sure we were all -
double L - the same at his age.
Maybe if I could spend
more time with him, I
Why does nature do it, eh?
Give us the menopause
just as our kids are
becoming feral monsters.
Can science explain that?
He's not a monster.
He's not.
He's justan angry young man.
I'm so tired, Bob.
I know.
Right, I'd best be off.
Thanks for dinner
double N.
And double F - off.
Double F - off.
A force is a push or a pull
that acts upon an object
as a result of its interaction
with another object.
These forces are subject to
Newton's third law of motion.
For every action, there is an
equal and opposite reaction.
"Bob Bliss."
Hello?
Um, speaking.
OK.
Today?
Um, yes, I can be there
in about half an hour.
Right.
Right, er,
I know youyou can't tell me,
but is it regarding my test?
No, no. No, no, I understand.
I understand. Right.
Yeah, OK, thank you.
Hey, Mum, guess what?
You know Bob put a bet on the
Grand National on Saturday?
Well, his horse only won.
He put 60 quid on at 33-1.
Sorry?
Bob won nearly two grand,
and he said he's going to give
me half of it for my uni fund.
I don't want him coming
round here any more.
What?
And you're not to take that money,
do you hear?
Why? What's wrong with him?
We've got no idea who he is.
He could be anybody.
He's justjust some weirdo
who just turned up
at our door one day.
What is wrong with yer?
Why do you have to
ruin anything decent
that comes into my life?
- It's for your own good.
- What happened?
Did you pathetically
come on to him?
- I haven't got time for this.
- You've never got time.
Whenever I try and talk to you,
you're always doing something else.
Cooking, cleaning,
washing your clothes,
trying to scrape
together enough money
to send you to university!
Well, don't bother!
I'm going to uni in Singapore,
and Dad's paying for it.
- Ha-ha-ha!
- What do you mean "ha"? He promised.
What? Like he promised to
take you over for Christmas?
Well, fine, then!
Go running off to him
and see what happens!
Well, at least he believes in me.
You're such a fuckin' bitch!
Do you know?
Sorry, Zach.
I'm sorry, Zach.
Zach
Zach?
Listen, I've got to go to the
She's not here.
I've got some cash for you.
From the gee-gees - double G.
I'm not allowed to take it.
Why not?
Have you had another
row with your mum?
Maybe I shouldn't have interfered.
Here.
I got her these.
Yellow roses - double L.
Those are her favourites.
Have you been stalking us?
Do you want to put
them in some water?
OK.
Have you learned anything
yet about the Doppler effect?
Double P, double F.
It describes the changing
frequency of a wave in relation
to an observer moving relative to
the source of that wave for example,
why a police siren is higher
in pitch when it approaches
double P - and lower in
pitch when it drives away.
It's like time.
It drags when you're young,
but when you're
olderit flies by.
And you find yourself
thinking about the things
you wish you'd done differently -
double F.
What you'd say to yourself
if you could go back 40 years
to when you were a boy.
What are you talking about?
In the future,
it will be possible to
manipulate gravitational waves,
as I said - as you said
and harness the
power of black holes.
- Harness is double S.
- It doesn't matter. Listen.
What we thought was theoretical
can actually be achieved, if
..you get the physics right,
and you did.
Did what?
'62 isn't when I was born,
it's where I came from.
Be kinder to your mother, Zach.
You'll only ever have one
science'll never change that.
And yours
..ours
..she's not going to be
around for much longer.
What do you mean?
What are you talking about?
She's dying, Zach.
By the time you go
away to Singapore,
you'll have stopped
speaking to each other,
and then it's going to be too late.
And believe me,
you'll spend the rest of
your life regretting it.
You'll close in on yourself.
Your own kids will
walk away from you.
And you'll understand too late
just how much she
sacrificed for you,
how incredibly brave she was,
and that guilt will
cripple you for life.
No, this is bullshit!
You've got to believe me,
Zach, please.
Please.
I just need you to tell
her I love her. Very much.
It won't save her,
but it could save you.
Just a random act of kindness
..so you can have my time again.
Hello?
Zach, can you hear me?
What the fuck do you
think you're doing?
Zach's my son. Who is this, please?
Oh, God. Er, please,
Mrs. Wilson, try to stay calm.
I think your son could
be in grave danger.
The man whose phone this is,
hehe's not to be trusted.
- Do you understand?
- Do you mean Bob?
You mustn't leave your
son alone with him.
But he's
Zach?
Mrs. Wilson
- Zachary!
- ..let me speak to him
Are you all right?
Oh! Oh, it's OK, it's all right.
It's OK.
I love you, Mum.
I love you, too!
I love you so much.
Everything's going to be OK.
I promise.
Everything's going to be OK.
Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
Thank you.
Dr. Wilson?
Your daughter let me in.
Call me Zach, please.
Everybody does.
- It was a lovely service.
- Thank you.
I'm sure me mother would've
said it went on a bit too long,
but then a lot of people
said that about her, as well.
- How old was she?
- 93.
Ah, well, that's a very decent age,
even by today's standards.
She was a tough old bird.
Strange being back
in here without her.
Sorry, can I, er,
offer you a drink?
I'll have a coffee, please, yes.
So, me daughters were telling
me you have a Youku channel?
Yes. I do little science
videos for children,
pretty basic stuff.
And you wanted to
interview my mother?
That's right.
I wanted to hear in her own words
what she could remember.
She was one of the first people
to try your anti-cancer
serum back in '29.
It was a long time ago.
WellTime is relative, so
- Sugar?
- Yes, please.
So, you're an actual scientist,
then?
You're not an actor
in a white coat?
Ha, yes, I do dabble.
In fact, this could've been me,
world-famous Nobel Prize-winner,
but you cheated me out of that,
didn't you, Zach?
In another time,
we were partners, you and I.
We developed the Wilson-Brann
wormhole together.
It was a game-changer.
It made us billions.
It's gone.
It's gone, it's gone, it's gone!
But because, in this timeline,
you never left to study
physics in Singapore,
you never came to Cambridge
to research black holes,
and so wenever met.
You devoted your life to chemistry,
oncological research.
I ended up doing Youku videos
as Dr. Brann the Science Man.
I'd like you to leave now, please.
And then, one day,
I was clearing out my spam folder
and I found a video message
I had apparently just
emailed to myself.
I must've realised
that I didn't have long
before that version of
my life ceased to exist.
You can go back in time
I always felt I was
living the wrong life.
The life you stole from me
..I want it back.
- Where is it?
- What?
The Trans-Temporal-Telegraph.
Our time machine.
The one you used to
visit yourself as a boy.
That was just junk.
I got rid of it.
- I don't believe you.
- It's true.
Bob was insane.
No.
We're going back, Dr. Wilson.
It's time to reset.
No, please.
- Please. My mother
- Fuck her.
I'm not prepared to be
your collateral damage.
Oh, bloody hell