Orange Is the New Black s07e05 Episode Script
Minority Deport
1 I'm sorry.
Where's Blanca? They took her.
Also Karla and some of the Venezuelans.
- What? When? - While you were in the shower.
They like to do it in the morning, or in the middle of the night while people are groggy.
Less resistance this way.
Where did they take her? Is she coming back? Probably.
Oh, God! What is that smell? It's a combination of naturally derived stain remover and breast milk derived infant feces.
It's layered.
Looking a little rough there.
You and the office gals hit up ladies' night or something? I drank their entire bottle of tequila and ate their cookie cake with my hands.
The cougars are gonna eat me alive today.
I wish there was a way that I could call in sick.
I thought you were liking the new gig? How could anyone like standing in front of a scanner for eight hours a day, trying not to throw out broken pens? You wanna switch places with me? 'Cause Neri's got me assigned this shit-scraping duty while she visits her mom with the baby.
And then I have to launder these at the world's worst laundromat ever, where, the last time, I had to clean broccoli florets out of the machine before I could load in.
And then I'm trapped here waiting for the fridge repairman to arrive somewhere between the hours of 11:00 a.
m.
and 6:00 p.
m.
I guess I love the little fucker, but being a dad is a real life-ruiner.
So is going to prison.
Even after you serve your time, they still find ways to punish you.
Okay, I'm calling time-out on this whole misery Olympics.
We both win.
Maybe we need to start meditating.
What I need is a break.
I need a day off from all the rules.
Like a little personal snow day.
Man, I loved snow days.
Remember how we used to watch Price Is Right marathons in our PJs, even though I I slept naked? And make grilled cheeses, and drink Marshmallow Lovers' hot chocolate? - Oh.
- Which is a disgusting combination.
Who knew it'd be all downhill from there? But does it have to be? Just because we're adults doesn't mean we can't have a snow day.
Except that it does, because you're on parole, I have an infant, and it's not snowing.
Ugh! Oh, we've both been so good.
We deserve one day of hooky.
Uh Then we can go back to our shitty, oppressive lives.
You write a note for the fridge guy, and I'll figure out a way to get off work.
Well, that part's easy.
You just call the office phone, leave a message on the machine saying that your snot is green.
I used to do it all the time when I had that job.
- So you're in? - Mmm I don't know.
Neri has been strictly hand jobs since the baby.
I can't risk losing those.
Her hands are so soft.
Cal, come on.
It's one day.
- I - It's one day, for our sanity.
When was the last time that you and I had fun together? I mean, a few skid marks won't kill the kid, - right? - Ah! Hair of the dog.
Yes! Fuck the police.
You girls have fun.
Make sure to get yourself something nice, too, Mama.
Maybe, uh, one of them leopard numbers I like, you know? Leopard ain't cheap.
Well, business is boomin'.
I mean, you can try some stuff on.
I can sit in one of those husband chairs, and you can, like, model it for me? Those chairs are for pussies and perverts.
All right.
That's a fair point.
All right, I'm gonna let you girls do your thing.
I'm gonna go to Sbarro and get something to eat and then head into the office.
Okay.
Bye, guys.
Have fun.
Sale rack only.
Nothing too slutty.
Yeah, yeah.
Do as you say, not as you slut.
He's gonna figure out you're stealing from him.
I'm not stealing.
It's business.
Is that why your tampon box is full of cash and no tampons? Stay the fuck out of my tampon box.
I know exactly how much is in there.
Plus, I earned that money.
Here, go get yourself a shirt that actually covers your tits.
Oh, so I have to wait till I'm old to show them off like you do? Hey! I am a young 37-year-old, and you wish you had my tit gene.
You got those Gonzales tube sock boobs, like your grandmother.
Hey, babe.
We gotta go.
I parked in the handicap.
Hey.
Who's this? Angel.
My boyfriend.
This is the guy you been seeing? What is he, like, twice your age? So? So he's a fucking pedophile.
Damn.
Your mom's a savage.
Hey! She's only 13.
You come near my daughter again, I will rip your balls off and shove 'em down your throat.
Now get the fuck out of here before I violate my parole.
Okay, mami.
- Yo, what'd you just call me? - Go.
I'll text you later.
- What the fuck? - You ain't texting shit! Hanging out with some grown-ass drug dealer, like you some jailbait gangbanger.
You will never see him again, you hear me? It's none of your business who I see.
I know that you think you're grown because you have some short and curlies now, but messing with some scumbag like that will ruin your whole life for good before you even get into high school.
- Believe me, 'cause I know.
- So, what? I can't even date? I didn't say that.
You wanna get felt up in the back of a McDonald's? Go right ahead.
But do it with someone your own age.
Guys my age are boring.
Older guys are boring, too.
Trust me.
Whatever, yo.
Yo, where are you going? Don't you walk away from me! Eva! See him over there? You're gonna go over to him, and smile and introduce yourself, and then gonna ask him if he wants to dance.
The Freddy Krueger-looking one? It don't matter what he looks like.
He's a good tipper.
Why can't you go? Because I'm not as young and beautiful as you are.
But the last guy kept pinching me.
And his breath smelled like dog treats.
If he wants to pinch you, let him pinch you.
But if he wants to do anything else, you tell him it's more money, understand? Hey, Aleida, look at me.
I know things are bad right now.
We only gotta hold out a little longer.
Your daddy's getting out soon.
And once he's out, we won't have to do this no more.
We ain't doing anything.
And the last time Daddy got out, he gambled away everything we had and was back in jail three weeks later.
So that's my fucking fault? - No, but - I didn't think so.
Now, stop complaining and get rid of the mopey face.
Gotta smile.
Let me see.
Good.
Now be a big girl and go talk to him.
And be nice and laugh, and blink your eyes a lot.
- Hey, there.
What's your name? - Aleida.
Aleida.
That's a beautiful name.
You're very pretty, Aleida.
Yeah.
You wanna dance or what? Oh, shit! Oh, man.
I'm sorry.
Flaca, Lorna, Nicky.
Help me clean this mess up.
But we're doing the salad.
Well, salad is a strong word for what we're doing.
Well, I guess lunch is gonna be late, then.
I'm sorry, but lunch can't be late.
When women don't eat, they get crazy.
It's a safety risk.
If you want lunch to be served on time, then I'm gonna need extra help.
Have you eaten today? Maybe you should have a snack.
Look, I'm telling you.
What's that other CO's name? Bell? - She let detainees come and help.
- She did? Yeah.
And even then we barely made it on time.
Okay, fine.
I'll, uh, get you a couple of volunteers.
- You happy? - Yeah, thank you.
Uh, you should probably get Maritza Ramos, uh, Blanca Flores, because they used to work with me down at the camp.
They know what they're doing.
Our lives would be a lot easier, I promise.
All right.
I'll see if I can find them.
And you should really eat something.
It's because you're distracted.
When you're distracted, you have accidents.
It wasn't an accident.
I need to get them in here.
I need to talk to them.
It's important.
More important than doing your job? Have you been paying attention? Ramos and Flores need help.
You feeling okay? Yes, I'm fine.
I'm not the one throwing things on the floor.
Where is Flores? I'm not sure, to be honest.
But this one says she worked in Luxor as a chef.
Vinnie says that Caesars is still the best hotel in Vegas.
Luxor is in Egypt.
Right.
The pyramid with the big light.
Right next to Excalibur's? I'm I'm sorry about my friend.
She's a little slow on the uptake.
Uh, it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Okay, back to work, ladies.
Okay.
- They took Blanca.
- Who did? - The fucking terminators.
- Shh.
Not here.
Uh, Ramos, Gonzales, why don't you guys help me take some stuff out from the freezer while they clean up? Uh, Red, why don't you watch the stew for me? Don't forget to add salt and pepper.
I know how to season a stew.
- What happened? - She disappeared.
This morning.
I got back from the bathroom, and she was gone.
They Chris Angel-ed her ass back to the DR? I don't know.
My bunkie said it means she was at her hearing or got transferred or, yeah, deported.
But they haven't given away her bed yet, which she said might mean the first one.
Oh, my God.
I I got the feeling that she was just trying to be nice.
Or maybe maybe it's true.
Even if it is, that means that she went to the hearing without a lawyer.
- Fuck.
What if that means I'm next? - No No, I don't have a lawyer.
You will.
I wanted to tell you.
I found this group online.
It's called Freedom for Immigrants, and they wanna help people in here.
Yeah, and I called them and I told them all about you.
How cute and fly you are, and how you're basically like the next Kylie Jenner, and they have to save you.
So they have this number to call, so you can get a lawyer, a free lawyer, to come talk to you.
Okay, but it's not a 1-800 number, right? 'Cause those don't work here, trust.
No, no, no.
All you do is hit pound and put these four numbers in, and that's it, it connects.
Just like a hotline.
"9-4-8-1.
" Girl, that's Beyoncé's birthday! Does that mean she's watching over me? That's what I said.
Okay, but you have to be careful, though.
Okay? Apparently, if they figure out that you're using the hotline, Big Brother shuts it down.
Don't worry, I had a thing with a senator once.
I know how to be discreet.
You guys, thank you so much.
Which senator? Bitch, like you know about senators.
Thanks, CO Dixon.
Come in.
You can leave us.
I think I'll wait outside in case she gets violent again.
Appreciate it.
Have a seat.
- Thank you for letting me talk to you.
- It's my job.
- Yeah, I know you're busy.
- Yeah, I am, actually.
So, what did you wanna talk about? Well, I was looking at those pamphlets that you had gave everybody.
And they really got me thinking.
- You wanna join one of the programs? - Oh, no.
None of them really seem right for me.
But they got me thinking about how I wanna spend my time here.
And I was thinking maybe I could do, like, an independent study situation with you? As your assistant? My assistant? Yeah, I used to do it for Mr.
Caputo, back when he was the warden.
I mean, I would, you know, cover the phone, file paperwork, give him reminders.
I would tell people, you know, he was on a call, maybe when he was beating his meat or something.
You know, office-y shit.
And then we had a really nice groove towards the end.
And he said that I was very helpful.
Not gonna lie.
I could use the help.
And I could use the money and the mental stimulation, and a break from these squawking bitches in here.
It sounds nice and all, but I can't have the COs thinking I'm doing you any favors.
They already think that.
Ain't you the boss? Since when you care what people think? Where's this coming from, Taystee? Last time I checked, you were all, "Get out of my room, Mom.
" I I thought about what you said, and you were right.
I can't sit around being pissed off for the rest of my life.
I gotta figure out how I'm gonna make it easier in here.
I gotta figure out a way to make it livable.
Otherwise, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I see you're busy.
Officer Hopper, how do I make it clear to you that you need to knock first? I thought you'd like to know that there's been another incident, but I'd hate to interrupt your girl talk, so I'll come back later.
Actually, why don't you go ahead and schedule some time with my new assistant? - Her? - How does, uh, Tuesday work for you? Slow down, Pipes.
You gotta save room for the main event.
This beer is delicious.
I think it's probably mostly the getting-out-of-prison thing.
Oh, my God.
This is an entire meal in a drink.
Told you.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Mmm? Yep.
A lot's changed since you've been away, Pipes.
Mmm! People ride around on bikes sponsored by banks.
The Internet's more important than real life.
And Bloody Marys now come with Wagyu beef.
Welcome to the future.
The future is amazing.
- I'm so glad we did this.
- Me, too.
You know what would make this even better, though? I was saving these for Neri's fire spinning show, but it's not every day your ex-con sister has a snow day with you.
- What are those? - They're bloobs.
That's what you call chocolate-covered blueberries - when there's pot in them.
- What? Oh, my God.
What I wouldn't give to get high like a normal person.
Cal, I've been dreaming about it.
Well, I'm offering you that dream come true.
But I get pee tested.
Oh, please.
This is not my first drug test rodeo.
You squirt a little Visine into the cup.
It makes the test unreadable.
I used to do it all the time when I worked in that cannery in Alaska.
That doesn't really work, does it? Piper, I have a very particular set of skills, skills acquired over a lifetime of smoking marijuana, skills that make me an expert in masking the presence of weed in my urine.
Do you promise that it won't show up? I guarantee it.
Come on.
You said no rules.
That was the whole point of snow day, wasn't it? What's wrong? No new followers? Funny.
Social media can make you depressed, you know.
It's called the compare and despair effect.
Thanks for the tip, but I'm actually trying to order something.
Believe it or not, 1-800-Flowers does not accept Green Dot.
- Got a credit card number I can borrow? - Mine are all maxed.
Plus, you're a convicted felon.
What are you trying to order flowers for, anyway? Piper.
It's our finger-bang-iversary.
- Is that an actual thing? - God, you are naive.
She's been a little down lately, thanks in no small part to me.
I just want her to know that I'm thinking about her.
Must be nice to be in a relationship with a woman.
So much more consideration.
I mean, it cuts both ways.
More consideration, yes.
More passive-aggressive fighting about unspoken emotions, also, yes.
It sounds like flowers won't cut it, then.
You should do something more personal.
I'll run to the nearest Color Me Mine and paint her a mug with an inspirational quote on it.
Maybe something like, "Everything's a dildo if you're brave enough.
" I see what you mean about the passive-aggressive thing.
Shit.
Wait.
Wait.
Okay.
You're right.
I thought of something.
How do you feel about making a long detour on your way home tonight? I'd love to catch a wave on that.
A tiny little man on a tiny little surfboard.
We should be able to do that.
Surf on snow.
Isn't that what snowboarding is? Oh.
I'm gonna try the goat cheese chili chocolate.
Hi.
Excuse me.
Can I try the goat cheese chili chocolate? You already tried that one.
I've forgotten how it tastes.
And I need to cross-reference it with the bourbon cornflake.
- Cal? - Hmm? - Have you tried this? - Uh-uh.
It's unreal.
Oh, yeah.
I'm high.
I'm really high.
How does that Visine thing work again? Like, physically? Oh! It's super easy.
Um You cup the Visine in your hand, and then when you go to pee, you stick it under your dick, like so.
And then when you pee, you squirt little squirts of Visine into the cup.
It helps if you're a little chubbed, so there's some resistance, you know.
But I don't have a cone.
Even better.
Then you don't even need the sleight of hand.
Just pre-load the bottle and then Kegel it while you pee.
Are you doing it? I am, yeah.
Yeah, I think I am.
It's a real shame you're not gonna get to use your chef skills here.
It's not exactly the Four Seasons Cairo.
We don't have four seasons in Cairo.
Only two.
Ah.
A Cairo comedienne who cooks.
All lies.
I'm not from Cairo.
- I'm hit-and-miss funny.
- Mmm-hmm.
And I lied to the guard about my cooking skills.
I just wanted something to occupy my mind.
I've been moved around to many of these detention centers.
They all start to look the same after a while.
How long is a while? - For me, it's been 18 months.
- Shit.
How much longer you got? It's not like prison.
They don't give you a set release date.
My case will either get approved for asylum or they send me back to Egypt.
I won't know until it's happening.
Yeesh.
Well, at least you're getting to see the best parts of America, from our fine cuisine to our wonderful melting pot, on deck to be deported.
- I only came to America for one thing.
- Yeah? The Tater Tots.
Oh.
Well, we are known for our tots.
I love how they are perfectly bite-sized and way too salty.
Just like the testicles of a food god.
- What's in them, anyway? - Pertaters.
Ah.
That's how you pronounce it? Now, I understand the name.
Thanks.
I really had to go.
I think there's a bug going around or somethin'.
I hope you washed your hands afterwards.
Otherwise, it's gonna be like World War III in here tomorrow.
You guys, I called the number and they put me in touch with a lawyer.
She said I actually might have a good case.
And she wants to meet with me in a couple days.
- My God! - See? Beyoncé's got you, girl! - What about Blanca? She turn up yet? - No, not yet.
Don't worry.
- Beyoncé will check up on it.
- Yes.
But we have to be patient like the song.
Okay, ladies, come and get it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh-uh.
Bless us, oh, Lord, for this stew of despair we made from expired ingredients.
We pray that it doesn't permanently alter the species in our gut biome.
Amen.
Ugh.
Wow.
You can really taste the despair.
Mmm.
That's not despair, that's salt.
How much salt did you put in here, Red? I put in the perfectly correct amount.
Maybe you had already salted it before you told me to salt it.
No, I don't think I did.
Your one responsibility was the stew.
If there's something wrong with it, it's on you.
Yeah, no, no.
You're right.
Um, I should be paying more attention, you know.
Today, I've had a million things on my mind.
It seems I'm the only one who remembers that we have a job to do here.
These women are suffering.
The least we can do is put all our bullshit aside for a minute and give them a decent meal, for Christ's sake.
On the basis of the foregoing, it is charged that you are subject to removal from the United States pursuant to Provision 212 of the Immigration and Nationality Act.
Based on the government's recommendation, the court will designate Honduras as the country of removal.
Please don't do this.
My whole life is here.
My family is here.
Am I missing something or is our team batting zero up there? I don't want any problems.
I think we already got problems.
The shackles and the crying are usually a sign of that.
You think this is funny? Maybe you're used to this kind of treatment, but it's because of criminals like you that I'm even here right now.
Mmm-hmm.
Right.
Because criminals vote Republican.
It used to be that honest, hard-working people like me could lead productive lives in the States, minding their own business, contributing, staying invisible.
But people like you gave them an excuse to come after all of us.
You don't even know what I did.
And I don't want to.
All I wanna know is where my kids are.
They took your kids? 519.
Córdova, Karla.
To the respondent, what is your true and complete name? - Karla Diana Adilene Córdova.
- Thank you.
Ma'am, I have before me a document called a "Notice to Appear.
" In this document, the Department of Homeland Security alleges that you are not a citizen or national of the United States and that you entered the country illegally.
How do you plead to the allegations? I am denying the allegations.
And the basis for your denial? Are you a US citizen? It is the government's burden to prove what it says in that paper.
I am not saying anything.
Your Honor, we have an I-213 for the respondent, in which she admits that she is a citizen of El Salvador.
I object to that document he has! I haven't seen it, and I never admitted anything to anyone.
Never mind anything about El Salvador.
I know my rights.
If that is all he has to prove his case, then you should throw my case out.
Is the government prepared to meet its burden of proof in regard to the defendant's citizenship today? No, Your Honor.
Your Honor, it is my right to ask that my case be moved to a later date so that I might have time to seek effective legal counsel.
Very well.
I will set the matter over to give you time to try to find a lawyer.
Your new date will be issued to you within a few days.
- This matter is adjourned for today.
- Thank you, Your Honor.
813.
Flores, Blanca.
To the respondent, what is your true and complete name? I am denying everything.
You're denying your name? Oh.
Sorry.
Blanca Raiza Flores.
Your Honor, I would like to reset my case, too, until I find a lawyer.
It is my right, Your Honor.
Are you just saying that because she said it? No.
I was gonna say it first.
Do you even know what the government's charges against you are? You can say whatever you want.
I'm not saying anything until I have a lawyer.
All right, ma'am.
Since you seem determined to waste the court's time, I will set the matter over to a later date, give you an opportunity to find a lawyer.
Make sure you are prepared next time.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Yes, well, you can thank your friend.
Adjourned.
It smells like ass in this place.
Why'd you make me come here? To show you what happens to little girls who think they're grown and don't listen to their mother.
Sit.
Keep acting up, you're gonna be smelling that ass smell every day.
Is that Eva? Girl, you grew up so fast.
What grade you in? Seventh grade? - Eighth.
- Eighth grade.
Wow.
Boys must be all over you.
Yeah, and she's all over them, too.
Wow.
I'm so happy you came to see me, baby.
I missed you.
I think about you every day in here.
You know that, right? Tell her how much it sucks to be in prison.
How everybody's a lesbian and how they make you eat that brown, mushy stuff that taste like dog shit.
And how the guards are always trying to fuck you.
Tell her.
Why don't you tell her? It ain't funny.
She's banging a drug dealer twice her age.
Cesar? No.
Some punk-ass trapper who likes little girls.
Tell her if she doesn't smarten up, then she's gonna fuck up her life and end up in here.
Oh, I see.
So, I'm supposed to be some kind of example of someone who fucks their life up? God forbid she should turn out like me, right? Is that why you here? And to visit you.
Yo, you're hilarious.
Yo, Eva, why don't you ask Aleida what she's doing to put food on the table? Huh? You think she gets all that money from the milkshake she sells? - What is she talking about? - Nothing.
Go ahead, tell her.
- Tell her how you're selling dope - Daya! so she could have a nice life, instead of the fucked-up one I got.
To be honest, though, I am better off anyway.
I fucking run this place.
All I needed was to stay as far as fucking possible away from you and your lessons.
Yo, you get the beer? Beer's for pussies.
- Oh, shit! Is that vodka? - Yeah.
What, did you steal this from a hobo or something? Nah! I hit up that store on Broadway.
Grandpa owner's so blind, I got a bottle and two mixers up my shirt, and he was all, "Oh, sweetie, when's the baby due?" I think you're my hero.
All right.
Don't take all of it.
Sorry.
- All right.
Okay.
- Mmm-hmm.
Cheers.
That shit is strong.
But it's good, though.
Yeah, it is.
So much better than the bullshit my mom used to drink.
Useless bitch didn't even know good liquor.
Best thing I ever did was ditch her sloppy ass.
This one's to you, Valeria, wherever the fuck you are.
Somebody else's problem now.
Cheers to that.
Mmm.
We should get tequila next time.
I've always wanted to try it.
And rum! Maybe we'll be having twins! Nah, this is my drink.
What do you mean, "your drink"? You know, my drink.
You gotta have a drink, so when you order at the bar, people know you're classy.
But you can't have vodka orange soda, that's mine.
Damn.
- Look! Mr.
Chill-man! Come on, come on.
- Wait.
- Oh, my gosh.
Girl! No! - Last one there pays.
Aleida! Move your You're gonna pay! - Suck it.
- Hello, girls.
Uh, yeah, let me get a vanilla cone with chocolate sprinkles.
Uh, yeah, can I have a chocolate cone with chocolate dip? Coming right up.
Your, uh, mother know you're skipping school today? I don't got a mother.
- Your father, then? - He's gone.
So, who do you live with? With a friend.
And this friend, uh he pays for your ice cream? I pay for my own ice cream.
I don't need nobody.
Oh.
So, you make your own money, huh? I got my ways.
Yeah? Well, I got 30 bucks.
Fifty.
And, uh, free ice cream for life.
Hold this.
And don't lick it, 'cause I'll know.
Yeah? - I have your four o'clock.
- Bring 'em in.
I wasn't expecting you back so soon.
Won the Mega Millions? I'll do you one better.
I got a job with the warden.
- I'm her new assistant.
- So? So? I did it for you.
You need ears on the inside.
I'll be the first to know what she's planning.
Transfers, guard changes, drug sweeps Bitch, do you think I'm brand new? I got the head guard on my team.
If there's a sweep, he can raid the locker where they stash the shit.
- That's right.
You talking about Hopper? - Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, Tamika's number one enemy? The one she's looking to fire? What? They got beef? See? You think you know shit, but you don't know until you sit next to the warden's office all day.
I can be useful to you.
And more than just this intel shit, you need somebody to make a move or whatever, I'll be there.
So, you think if you do this for me, then I'll give you what you asked for? Will you? Ain't she an old friend of yours? You must be real serious if you willing to do her dirty like this.
I am serious.
So then, why you talking to me? Why don't you do it yourself like the old-fashioned way? Hmm? I tried.
It's too hard the other way, okay? Instincts kick in, and this is the way.
It's a shame you didn't get the chair.
Why? So I could sit on death row for 15 years? Yeah.
No, thank you.
Shit, at least you get a last meal.
If it were up to me, I would live it up.
I don't know, I'll get like a never-ending pasta bowl from Olive Garden, 'cause it's never-ending, you know? Plus, a Crave Case from White Castle.
Fuck White Castle and they tiny-ass burgers, dawg.
What you need is a Storky's Supreme Meal and a cheese with a gravy bundle.
- A gravy bundle? What is that? - Exactly.
Listen, see what you can dig up.
You bring me back something useful, and then maybe I could come through for you.
How do I know you're not gonna string me along? You don't.
I only know if something's useful if I see it.
Otherwise, it's gonna be a G, like we talked about.
Right.
And I know you have your plate full with Blue Ivy and the twins, and keeping an eye on Jay, but I'm begging you, please, please, please help my friend Blanca.
She might seem scary and mean, but she's just Dominican.
- She's - Psst.
Hot Girl.
Sorry about before in the bathroom.
I got a sensitive system.
I can't eat too much salt or butter or dairy or anything cooked in oil, only lard.
What do you want? I heard you at the phones before.
Sounded like you got in touch with a lawyer? You were listening to me? I want the number, the one that you called.
I been trying to get a lawyer, but I can't afford it, and all the free ones I tried, they have at least a five-month wait.
Please.
I'm begging you.
My kids are out there, all alone.
They don't even know I'm in here.
I gotta get out of this place before I lose them.
Fine.
I'll give it to you, but you have to be very careful.
I will.
If the guards see you using this, they're gonna shut it down.
Thank you so much.
God bless you.
This is for a lawyer.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Call this number.
It's for a lawyer, okay? Okay.
Thank you.
You guys, this is for a lawyer.
- You seeing this? - Yes, I am.
Why do the hot ones always gotta cause trouble? Because they think they can get away with it.
Something's funky here.
I had a poppy seed bagel for breakfast.
I hear that poppy seeds can alter the test results.
Urban legend.
That might've been true in the '80s, but these things are super accurate now.
And this is coming back invalid, which means you probably tampered with it.
Did you tamper with it? No.
Look, I understand if you had a little weed.
I'm not gonna bust you for that, but you need to come clean, 'cause I'm gonna send this sample to Albany for lab testing, in which case it will be on the record and I will have to bust you.
I had a bloob.
- A what? - A bloob.
It's a blueberry mixed with - Never mind, I had some pot.
- Uh-huh.
Mmm-hmm.
It was a split-second decision and I regret it immensely, and it will never happen again.
And I am so so thankful for your understanding.
Yeah, I'm not being understanding.
That was a trick.
I tricked you.
What are you doing out here? What, you trying to fuck up your second chance at life? Do you have any idea how lucky you are? I got women coming in here, four kids, no support, working three jobs, doing everything they can to stay out, and you running around eating weed fruits! What, you think this is some kind of joke? I don't.
You're right.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I just Things have been so hard.
And I guess I just I guess I just wanted a little break.
And I really miss my wife.
I've seen it before, people stuck to their lives on the inside.
But you gotta cut that shit out! You gotta focus on being here, or you're gonna end up right back in there with her.
I'm gonna have you go to ten NA meetings at this halfway house.
I need you to take this form, get it signed by the administrator there after each meeting, and bring it back to me when you're all done.
While you're there, take a look around, and think about how good you got it.
- I will.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Mmm-hmm.
"Bloob.
" That's a silly word.
Where's Ramos? What do you mean she's gone? I'm guessing they took her to her hearing like me.
So, that means that she's gonna come back like you did, right? I wouldn't count on it.
It's like a Pack and Ship over there.
I got lucky I could copy the Salvadoran hater who went ahead of me.
I learned that even though they don't give you a lawyer, you have the right to ask for more time till you find one yourself.
They can't deport Maritza! - Yo, she's never even been to Colombia! - Hey.
Stay positive.
Maybe she's not at the hearing.
Maybe her lawyer came early, and she's sitting with her right now.
She got a lawyer? It must be hell being trapped in here, the way people keep disappearing like we're under Soviet occupation.
Hey, maybe that's why Red's been so on edge lately.
You can't even imagine.
On the bright side, though, I got you something.
You didn't.
True blue American 'tater chips.
Now, they're no salty god balls, but the ratio of sodium to helpful nutrients is about the same as a tot.
You're sweet and salty.
And now, he's out of the NICU, so he can take a bottle.
And he has a big appetite, which means big, healthy poops.
And Vinnie and I have a special name for him.
We have a few.
One is Sterling Pooper, another is Poopington Bear, or Jabba the Butt, uh Stinky McTurdlet and Mr.
Ca-poo-to.
What are those for? For the casserole.
Did you forget to put them in? No, of course not.
They must be left over.
Go and get the beans so we can start soaking them for tomorrow.
You come again? - You eat oysters or something? - Nah.
I needed that.
These kids got me stressed the fuck out.
I've been thinking I've been thinking maybe we should take a trip.
You know? Just the two of us.
Get away from all the bullshit.
Soon, baby.
I almost got enough saved to leave Mr.
Clean, and then we can go somewhere expensive and eat oysters, - and drink drinks with fruit in 'em.
Ooh.
- Hmm.
I'll even let you do that thing with the beads.
All right.
I can get with that.
Stop, stupid.
I could get with that.
Damn.
Shh.
Fuck.
Again with these kids.
What the fuck, man? Hello.
So, then eat something.
So, where's Eva? She what? What does that even taste like? Like pleasure mixed with toothpaste.
Wanna try? Nah.
All right.
- Yo, what the fuck? - Oh, shit! You think you're fucking slick? Like I wouldn't find out you're at your crackhead boyfriend's house? So, he's a crackhead because he deals, but it's okay when you do it? - Get in the fucking car.
- Fuck you.
- What did you just say to me? - I don't gotta listen to you.
Yes, you do.
I'm your mother.
Yeah, when you're not in prison! Stop pretending like you give a shit about me! Fuck you! - Get the fuck out of here! - Oh, shit! Let go of me, you crazy bitch! Get off her.
You're hurting her.
Mom! Stop it! What are you doing? Mom! Mom! You like messing with little girls? Huh? Fucking pervert! - Mom! - Get off of me! Let go of him! Mom! Mom! Mom! Open up, you little bitch! No one fucks with my kids! Mom! What are you doing? Mom? No, Mom, stop it! What are you doing? That's not even his car! About time we busted the fuck outta here.
This one felt like forever.
Yeah, all these stank-ass bitches are starting to get on my nerves.
Like this one.
- Fuck you, Aleida.
- Bye, girl.
Love you.
Keep it moving, ladies.
I can't say goodbye to my friends? Fucking friend police over here.
Yeah, you can't talk to us like that anymore, 'cause we're free, bitch! Ugh.
You mean you're free.
I'm getting released back to the evil drunk I came from.
I'm surprised she even showed up.
Why don't you just ditch her ass and come live with me and my brother, Ricky? What? Sling dope? Nah, you don't gotta sling nothing.
Just package.
Ricky slings.
Trust me, it is much better than tricking.
And the money's better, too.
Your brother, he cute? Ew! Yeah.
Can't believe I had to come all the way out here for this shit.
Yeah, I'm sure you had a real productive day planned.
You little brat.
You're lucky your father's back in the pen.
Otherwise, he would beat your stupid ass, the way you talk to me.
Oh, yeah? What he do this time? None of your business what he did.
What up, sluts? Who the fuck is this? You must be the deadbeat mom.
Now I see what you mean.
Aleida, this is my brother, Ricky.
- Oh, damn.
He is cute.
- Ew! - You want a ride? - She ain't goin' nowhere with you.
Aleida, where you goin'? Aleida, open the door.
Aleida! Aleida! Aleida, get back here! Aleida! Aleida! Oh.
Looks like the casserole did not go over very well.
Perhaps it's a hunger strike.
- Yeah, more like a will to live.
- Oh, for fuck's sake! Jeez, relax, Red! They can't all be home runs.
You think you're so funny, don't you, Nicky? Making fun of the work I'm doing, while you're over here joking around with your new flavor of the week.
Who knew you were so into caramel? Seriously? Okay, everybody, relax.
It was just a little screw up, right, Red? That's right, Gloria.
And maybe if I had a kitchen staff that was actually helpful instead of distracted, we wouldn't be serving food that's inedible.
Did she forget to cook the pasta? Maybe these ladies aren't into American food.
I'm gonna take over the stove, make some Latin dishes.
That way you could take a break.
I don't need a break! I need a competent kitchen staff that isn't having a goddamn telenovela in the corner.
I'm just trying to help you, Red.
Leave it alone, Gloria.
I'm not in the mood.
Wow.
You really cleaned up in here.
Did you get the phones working yet? Yep, and I'm almost done with the receipts.
You wanna know how much the last warden spent on coffee? - No.
No, I don't.
- It was a lot.
Now, you said that you wanted to make an appearance in each block every day.
This might be a good time to do your face-show, because you don't have anything until 3:00, and I know that you get bummed when you don't have your lunch.
Look at you with the time management.
Come on, man, don't be surprised.
I was always the organized one and you brought the fun.
I don't think I'm very much fun these days.
Well, I can schedule it in for you, if you need me to.
Fuck.
The guy said he called you three times.
Do you have any idea how much breast milk you wasted? That was date night, Cal.
That was a chance for me to go work at the forge for a few hours.
That was my freedom in that freezer! It's only a little warm.
It will refreeze.
No, Cal.
You can't refreeze it.
And it only lasts 24 hours after it thaws, so you know what? You're gonna drink this breast milk smoothie right now.
I worked too damn hard milking myself to watch it all thrown down the drain.
I hope you're thirsty, Piper.
I am so sorry, Neri.
Drink up.
It's got tons of antibodies.
Hey.
Hey.
Who are you? Where is Maritza Ramos? This is her bunk.
Did she come here with you?
Where's Blanca? They took her.
Also Karla and some of the Venezuelans.
- What? When? - While you were in the shower.
They like to do it in the morning, or in the middle of the night while people are groggy.
Less resistance this way.
Where did they take her? Is she coming back? Probably.
Oh, God! What is that smell? It's a combination of naturally derived stain remover and breast milk derived infant feces.
It's layered.
Looking a little rough there.
You and the office gals hit up ladies' night or something? I drank their entire bottle of tequila and ate their cookie cake with my hands.
The cougars are gonna eat me alive today.
I wish there was a way that I could call in sick.
I thought you were liking the new gig? How could anyone like standing in front of a scanner for eight hours a day, trying not to throw out broken pens? You wanna switch places with me? 'Cause Neri's got me assigned this shit-scraping duty while she visits her mom with the baby.
And then I have to launder these at the world's worst laundromat ever, where, the last time, I had to clean broccoli florets out of the machine before I could load in.
And then I'm trapped here waiting for the fridge repairman to arrive somewhere between the hours of 11:00 a.
m.
and 6:00 p.
m.
I guess I love the little fucker, but being a dad is a real life-ruiner.
So is going to prison.
Even after you serve your time, they still find ways to punish you.
Okay, I'm calling time-out on this whole misery Olympics.
We both win.
Maybe we need to start meditating.
What I need is a break.
I need a day off from all the rules.
Like a little personal snow day.
Man, I loved snow days.
Remember how we used to watch Price Is Right marathons in our PJs, even though I I slept naked? And make grilled cheeses, and drink Marshmallow Lovers' hot chocolate? - Oh.
- Which is a disgusting combination.
Who knew it'd be all downhill from there? But does it have to be? Just because we're adults doesn't mean we can't have a snow day.
Except that it does, because you're on parole, I have an infant, and it's not snowing.
Ugh! Oh, we've both been so good.
We deserve one day of hooky.
Uh Then we can go back to our shitty, oppressive lives.
You write a note for the fridge guy, and I'll figure out a way to get off work.
Well, that part's easy.
You just call the office phone, leave a message on the machine saying that your snot is green.
I used to do it all the time when I had that job.
- So you're in? - Mmm I don't know.
Neri has been strictly hand jobs since the baby.
I can't risk losing those.
Her hands are so soft.
Cal, come on.
It's one day.
- I - It's one day, for our sanity.
When was the last time that you and I had fun together? I mean, a few skid marks won't kill the kid, - right? - Ah! Hair of the dog.
Yes! Fuck the police.
You girls have fun.
Make sure to get yourself something nice, too, Mama.
Maybe, uh, one of them leopard numbers I like, you know? Leopard ain't cheap.
Well, business is boomin'.
I mean, you can try some stuff on.
I can sit in one of those husband chairs, and you can, like, model it for me? Those chairs are for pussies and perverts.
All right.
That's a fair point.
All right, I'm gonna let you girls do your thing.
I'm gonna go to Sbarro and get something to eat and then head into the office.
Okay.
Bye, guys.
Have fun.
Sale rack only.
Nothing too slutty.
Yeah, yeah.
Do as you say, not as you slut.
He's gonna figure out you're stealing from him.
I'm not stealing.
It's business.
Is that why your tampon box is full of cash and no tampons? Stay the fuck out of my tampon box.
I know exactly how much is in there.
Plus, I earned that money.
Here, go get yourself a shirt that actually covers your tits.
Oh, so I have to wait till I'm old to show them off like you do? Hey! I am a young 37-year-old, and you wish you had my tit gene.
You got those Gonzales tube sock boobs, like your grandmother.
Hey, babe.
We gotta go.
I parked in the handicap.
Hey.
Who's this? Angel.
My boyfriend.
This is the guy you been seeing? What is he, like, twice your age? So? So he's a fucking pedophile.
Damn.
Your mom's a savage.
Hey! She's only 13.
You come near my daughter again, I will rip your balls off and shove 'em down your throat.
Now get the fuck out of here before I violate my parole.
Okay, mami.
- Yo, what'd you just call me? - Go.
I'll text you later.
- What the fuck? - You ain't texting shit! Hanging out with some grown-ass drug dealer, like you some jailbait gangbanger.
You will never see him again, you hear me? It's none of your business who I see.
I know that you think you're grown because you have some short and curlies now, but messing with some scumbag like that will ruin your whole life for good before you even get into high school.
- Believe me, 'cause I know.
- So, what? I can't even date? I didn't say that.
You wanna get felt up in the back of a McDonald's? Go right ahead.
But do it with someone your own age.
Guys my age are boring.
Older guys are boring, too.
Trust me.
Whatever, yo.
Yo, where are you going? Don't you walk away from me! Eva! See him over there? You're gonna go over to him, and smile and introduce yourself, and then gonna ask him if he wants to dance.
The Freddy Krueger-looking one? It don't matter what he looks like.
He's a good tipper.
Why can't you go? Because I'm not as young and beautiful as you are.
But the last guy kept pinching me.
And his breath smelled like dog treats.
If he wants to pinch you, let him pinch you.
But if he wants to do anything else, you tell him it's more money, understand? Hey, Aleida, look at me.
I know things are bad right now.
We only gotta hold out a little longer.
Your daddy's getting out soon.
And once he's out, we won't have to do this no more.
We ain't doing anything.
And the last time Daddy got out, he gambled away everything we had and was back in jail three weeks later.
So that's my fucking fault? - No, but - I didn't think so.
Now, stop complaining and get rid of the mopey face.
Gotta smile.
Let me see.
Good.
Now be a big girl and go talk to him.
And be nice and laugh, and blink your eyes a lot.
- Hey, there.
What's your name? - Aleida.
Aleida.
That's a beautiful name.
You're very pretty, Aleida.
Yeah.
You wanna dance or what? Oh, shit! Oh, man.
I'm sorry.
Flaca, Lorna, Nicky.
Help me clean this mess up.
But we're doing the salad.
Well, salad is a strong word for what we're doing.
Well, I guess lunch is gonna be late, then.
I'm sorry, but lunch can't be late.
When women don't eat, they get crazy.
It's a safety risk.
If you want lunch to be served on time, then I'm gonna need extra help.
Have you eaten today? Maybe you should have a snack.
Look, I'm telling you.
What's that other CO's name? Bell? - She let detainees come and help.
- She did? Yeah.
And even then we barely made it on time.
Okay, fine.
I'll, uh, get you a couple of volunteers.
- You happy? - Yeah, thank you.
Uh, you should probably get Maritza Ramos, uh, Blanca Flores, because they used to work with me down at the camp.
They know what they're doing.
Our lives would be a lot easier, I promise.
All right.
I'll see if I can find them.
And you should really eat something.
It's because you're distracted.
When you're distracted, you have accidents.
It wasn't an accident.
I need to get them in here.
I need to talk to them.
It's important.
More important than doing your job? Have you been paying attention? Ramos and Flores need help.
You feeling okay? Yes, I'm fine.
I'm not the one throwing things on the floor.
Where is Flores? I'm not sure, to be honest.
But this one says she worked in Luxor as a chef.
Vinnie says that Caesars is still the best hotel in Vegas.
Luxor is in Egypt.
Right.
The pyramid with the big light.
Right next to Excalibur's? I'm I'm sorry about my friend.
She's a little slow on the uptake.
Uh, it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Okay, back to work, ladies.
Okay.
- They took Blanca.
- Who did? - The fucking terminators.
- Shh.
Not here.
Uh, Ramos, Gonzales, why don't you guys help me take some stuff out from the freezer while they clean up? Uh, Red, why don't you watch the stew for me? Don't forget to add salt and pepper.
I know how to season a stew.
- What happened? - She disappeared.
This morning.
I got back from the bathroom, and she was gone.
They Chris Angel-ed her ass back to the DR? I don't know.
My bunkie said it means she was at her hearing or got transferred or, yeah, deported.
But they haven't given away her bed yet, which she said might mean the first one.
Oh, my God.
I I got the feeling that she was just trying to be nice.
Or maybe maybe it's true.
Even if it is, that means that she went to the hearing without a lawyer.
- Fuck.
What if that means I'm next? - No No, I don't have a lawyer.
You will.
I wanted to tell you.
I found this group online.
It's called Freedom for Immigrants, and they wanna help people in here.
Yeah, and I called them and I told them all about you.
How cute and fly you are, and how you're basically like the next Kylie Jenner, and they have to save you.
So they have this number to call, so you can get a lawyer, a free lawyer, to come talk to you.
Okay, but it's not a 1-800 number, right? 'Cause those don't work here, trust.
No, no, no.
All you do is hit pound and put these four numbers in, and that's it, it connects.
Just like a hotline.
"9-4-8-1.
" Girl, that's Beyoncé's birthday! Does that mean she's watching over me? That's what I said.
Okay, but you have to be careful, though.
Okay? Apparently, if they figure out that you're using the hotline, Big Brother shuts it down.
Don't worry, I had a thing with a senator once.
I know how to be discreet.
You guys, thank you so much.
Which senator? Bitch, like you know about senators.
Thanks, CO Dixon.
Come in.
You can leave us.
I think I'll wait outside in case she gets violent again.
Appreciate it.
Have a seat.
- Thank you for letting me talk to you.
- It's my job.
- Yeah, I know you're busy.
- Yeah, I am, actually.
So, what did you wanna talk about? Well, I was looking at those pamphlets that you had gave everybody.
And they really got me thinking.
- You wanna join one of the programs? - Oh, no.
None of them really seem right for me.
But they got me thinking about how I wanna spend my time here.
And I was thinking maybe I could do, like, an independent study situation with you? As your assistant? My assistant? Yeah, I used to do it for Mr.
Caputo, back when he was the warden.
I mean, I would, you know, cover the phone, file paperwork, give him reminders.
I would tell people, you know, he was on a call, maybe when he was beating his meat or something.
You know, office-y shit.
And then we had a really nice groove towards the end.
And he said that I was very helpful.
Not gonna lie.
I could use the help.
And I could use the money and the mental stimulation, and a break from these squawking bitches in here.
It sounds nice and all, but I can't have the COs thinking I'm doing you any favors.
They already think that.
Ain't you the boss? Since when you care what people think? Where's this coming from, Taystee? Last time I checked, you were all, "Get out of my room, Mom.
" I I thought about what you said, and you were right.
I can't sit around being pissed off for the rest of my life.
I gotta figure out how I'm gonna make it easier in here.
I gotta figure out a way to make it livable.
Otherwise, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I see you're busy.
Officer Hopper, how do I make it clear to you that you need to knock first? I thought you'd like to know that there's been another incident, but I'd hate to interrupt your girl talk, so I'll come back later.
Actually, why don't you go ahead and schedule some time with my new assistant? - Her? - How does, uh, Tuesday work for you? Slow down, Pipes.
You gotta save room for the main event.
This beer is delicious.
I think it's probably mostly the getting-out-of-prison thing.
Oh, my God.
This is an entire meal in a drink.
Told you.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Mmm? Yep.
A lot's changed since you've been away, Pipes.
Mmm! People ride around on bikes sponsored by banks.
The Internet's more important than real life.
And Bloody Marys now come with Wagyu beef.
Welcome to the future.
The future is amazing.
- I'm so glad we did this.
- Me, too.
You know what would make this even better, though? I was saving these for Neri's fire spinning show, but it's not every day your ex-con sister has a snow day with you.
- What are those? - They're bloobs.
That's what you call chocolate-covered blueberries - when there's pot in them.
- What? Oh, my God.
What I wouldn't give to get high like a normal person.
Cal, I've been dreaming about it.
Well, I'm offering you that dream come true.
But I get pee tested.
Oh, please.
This is not my first drug test rodeo.
You squirt a little Visine into the cup.
It makes the test unreadable.
I used to do it all the time when I worked in that cannery in Alaska.
That doesn't really work, does it? Piper, I have a very particular set of skills, skills acquired over a lifetime of smoking marijuana, skills that make me an expert in masking the presence of weed in my urine.
Do you promise that it won't show up? I guarantee it.
Come on.
You said no rules.
That was the whole point of snow day, wasn't it? What's wrong? No new followers? Funny.
Social media can make you depressed, you know.
It's called the compare and despair effect.
Thanks for the tip, but I'm actually trying to order something.
Believe it or not, 1-800-Flowers does not accept Green Dot.
- Got a credit card number I can borrow? - Mine are all maxed.
Plus, you're a convicted felon.
What are you trying to order flowers for, anyway? Piper.
It's our finger-bang-iversary.
- Is that an actual thing? - God, you are naive.
She's been a little down lately, thanks in no small part to me.
I just want her to know that I'm thinking about her.
Must be nice to be in a relationship with a woman.
So much more consideration.
I mean, it cuts both ways.
More consideration, yes.
More passive-aggressive fighting about unspoken emotions, also, yes.
It sounds like flowers won't cut it, then.
You should do something more personal.
I'll run to the nearest Color Me Mine and paint her a mug with an inspirational quote on it.
Maybe something like, "Everything's a dildo if you're brave enough.
" I see what you mean about the passive-aggressive thing.
Shit.
Wait.
Wait.
Okay.
You're right.
I thought of something.
How do you feel about making a long detour on your way home tonight? I'd love to catch a wave on that.
A tiny little man on a tiny little surfboard.
We should be able to do that.
Surf on snow.
Isn't that what snowboarding is? Oh.
I'm gonna try the goat cheese chili chocolate.
Hi.
Excuse me.
Can I try the goat cheese chili chocolate? You already tried that one.
I've forgotten how it tastes.
And I need to cross-reference it with the bourbon cornflake.
- Cal? - Hmm? - Have you tried this? - Uh-uh.
It's unreal.
Oh, yeah.
I'm high.
I'm really high.
How does that Visine thing work again? Like, physically? Oh! It's super easy.
Um You cup the Visine in your hand, and then when you go to pee, you stick it under your dick, like so.
And then when you pee, you squirt little squirts of Visine into the cup.
It helps if you're a little chubbed, so there's some resistance, you know.
But I don't have a cone.
Even better.
Then you don't even need the sleight of hand.
Just pre-load the bottle and then Kegel it while you pee.
Are you doing it? I am, yeah.
Yeah, I think I am.
It's a real shame you're not gonna get to use your chef skills here.
It's not exactly the Four Seasons Cairo.
We don't have four seasons in Cairo.
Only two.
Ah.
A Cairo comedienne who cooks.
All lies.
I'm not from Cairo.
- I'm hit-and-miss funny.
- Mmm-hmm.
And I lied to the guard about my cooking skills.
I just wanted something to occupy my mind.
I've been moved around to many of these detention centers.
They all start to look the same after a while.
How long is a while? - For me, it's been 18 months.
- Shit.
How much longer you got? It's not like prison.
They don't give you a set release date.
My case will either get approved for asylum or they send me back to Egypt.
I won't know until it's happening.
Yeesh.
Well, at least you're getting to see the best parts of America, from our fine cuisine to our wonderful melting pot, on deck to be deported.
- I only came to America for one thing.
- Yeah? The Tater Tots.
Oh.
Well, we are known for our tots.
I love how they are perfectly bite-sized and way too salty.
Just like the testicles of a food god.
- What's in them, anyway? - Pertaters.
Ah.
That's how you pronounce it? Now, I understand the name.
Thanks.
I really had to go.
I think there's a bug going around or somethin'.
I hope you washed your hands afterwards.
Otherwise, it's gonna be like World War III in here tomorrow.
You guys, I called the number and they put me in touch with a lawyer.
She said I actually might have a good case.
And she wants to meet with me in a couple days.
- My God! - See? Beyoncé's got you, girl! - What about Blanca? She turn up yet? - No, not yet.
Don't worry.
- Beyoncé will check up on it.
- Yes.
But we have to be patient like the song.
Okay, ladies, come and get it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh-uh.
Bless us, oh, Lord, for this stew of despair we made from expired ingredients.
We pray that it doesn't permanently alter the species in our gut biome.
Amen.
Ugh.
Wow.
You can really taste the despair.
Mmm.
That's not despair, that's salt.
How much salt did you put in here, Red? I put in the perfectly correct amount.
Maybe you had already salted it before you told me to salt it.
No, I don't think I did.
Your one responsibility was the stew.
If there's something wrong with it, it's on you.
Yeah, no, no.
You're right.
Um, I should be paying more attention, you know.
Today, I've had a million things on my mind.
It seems I'm the only one who remembers that we have a job to do here.
These women are suffering.
The least we can do is put all our bullshit aside for a minute and give them a decent meal, for Christ's sake.
On the basis of the foregoing, it is charged that you are subject to removal from the United States pursuant to Provision 212 of the Immigration and Nationality Act.
Based on the government's recommendation, the court will designate Honduras as the country of removal.
Please don't do this.
My whole life is here.
My family is here.
Am I missing something or is our team batting zero up there? I don't want any problems.
I think we already got problems.
The shackles and the crying are usually a sign of that.
You think this is funny? Maybe you're used to this kind of treatment, but it's because of criminals like you that I'm even here right now.
Mmm-hmm.
Right.
Because criminals vote Republican.
It used to be that honest, hard-working people like me could lead productive lives in the States, minding their own business, contributing, staying invisible.
But people like you gave them an excuse to come after all of us.
You don't even know what I did.
And I don't want to.
All I wanna know is where my kids are.
They took your kids? 519.
Córdova, Karla.
To the respondent, what is your true and complete name? - Karla Diana Adilene Córdova.
- Thank you.
Ma'am, I have before me a document called a "Notice to Appear.
" In this document, the Department of Homeland Security alleges that you are not a citizen or national of the United States and that you entered the country illegally.
How do you plead to the allegations? I am denying the allegations.
And the basis for your denial? Are you a US citizen? It is the government's burden to prove what it says in that paper.
I am not saying anything.
Your Honor, we have an I-213 for the respondent, in which she admits that she is a citizen of El Salvador.
I object to that document he has! I haven't seen it, and I never admitted anything to anyone.
Never mind anything about El Salvador.
I know my rights.
If that is all he has to prove his case, then you should throw my case out.
Is the government prepared to meet its burden of proof in regard to the defendant's citizenship today? No, Your Honor.
Your Honor, it is my right to ask that my case be moved to a later date so that I might have time to seek effective legal counsel.
Very well.
I will set the matter over to give you time to try to find a lawyer.
Your new date will be issued to you within a few days.
- This matter is adjourned for today.
- Thank you, Your Honor.
813.
Flores, Blanca.
To the respondent, what is your true and complete name? I am denying everything.
You're denying your name? Oh.
Sorry.
Blanca Raiza Flores.
Your Honor, I would like to reset my case, too, until I find a lawyer.
It is my right, Your Honor.
Are you just saying that because she said it? No.
I was gonna say it first.
Do you even know what the government's charges against you are? You can say whatever you want.
I'm not saying anything until I have a lawyer.
All right, ma'am.
Since you seem determined to waste the court's time, I will set the matter over to a later date, give you an opportunity to find a lawyer.
Make sure you are prepared next time.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Yes, well, you can thank your friend.
Adjourned.
It smells like ass in this place.
Why'd you make me come here? To show you what happens to little girls who think they're grown and don't listen to their mother.
Sit.
Keep acting up, you're gonna be smelling that ass smell every day.
Is that Eva? Girl, you grew up so fast.
What grade you in? Seventh grade? - Eighth.
- Eighth grade.
Wow.
Boys must be all over you.
Yeah, and she's all over them, too.
Wow.
I'm so happy you came to see me, baby.
I missed you.
I think about you every day in here.
You know that, right? Tell her how much it sucks to be in prison.
How everybody's a lesbian and how they make you eat that brown, mushy stuff that taste like dog shit.
And how the guards are always trying to fuck you.
Tell her.
Why don't you tell her? It ain't funny.
She's banging a drug dealer twice her age.
Cesar? No.
Some punk-ass trapper who likes little girls.
Tell her if she doesn't smarten up, then she's gonna fuck up her life and end up in here.
Oh, I see.
So, I'm supposed to be some kind of example of someone who fucks their life up? God forbid she should turn out like me, right? Is that why you here? And to visit you.
Yo, you're hilarious.
Yo, Eva, why don't you ask Aleida what she's doing to put food on the table? Huh? You think she gets all that money from the milkshake she sells? - What is she talking about? - Nothing.
Go ahead, tell her.
- Tell her how you're selling dope - Daya! so she could have a nice life, instead of the fucked-up one I got.
To be honest, though, I am better off anyway.
I fucking run this place.
All I needed was to stay as far as fucking possible away from you and your lessons.
Yo, you get the beer? Beer's for pussies.
- Oh, shit! Is that vodka? - Yeah.
What, did you steal this from a hobo or something? Nah! I hit up that store on Broadway.
Grandpa owner's so blind, I got a bottle and two mixers up my shirt, and he was all, "Oh, sweetie, when's the baby due?" I think you're my hero.
All right.
Don't take all of it.
Sorry.
- All right.
Okay.
- Mmm-hmm.
Cheers.
That shit is strong.
But it's good, though.
Yeah, it is.
So much better than the bullshit my mom used to drink.
Useless bitch didn't even know good liquor.
Best thing I ever did was ditch her sloppy ass.
This one's to you, Valeria, wherever the fuck you are.
Somebody else's problem now.
Cheers to that.
Mmm.
We should get tequila next time.
I've always wanted to try it.
And rum! Maybe we'll be having twins! Nah, this is my drink.
What do you mean, "your drink"? You know, my drink.
You gotta have a drink, so when you order at the bar, people know you're classy.
But you can't have vodka orange soda, that's mine.
Damn.
- Look! Mr.
Chill-man! Come on, come on.
- Wait.
- Oh, my gosh.
Girl! No! - Last one there pays.
Aleida! Move your You're gonna pay! - Suck it.
- Hello, girls.
Uh, yeah, let me get a vanilla cone with chocolate sprinkles.
Uh, yeah, can I have a chocolate cone with chocolate dip? Coming right up.
Your, uh, mother know you're skipping school today? I don't got a mother.
- Your father, then? - He's gone.
So, who do you live with? With a friend.
And this friend, uh he pays for your ice cream? I pay for my own ice cream.
I don't need nobody.
Oh.
So, you make your own money, huh? I got my ways.
Yeah? Well, I got 30 bucks.
Fifty.
And, uh, free ice cream for life.
Hold this.
And don't lick it, 'cause I'll know.
Yeah? - I have your four o'clock.
- Bring 'em in.
I wasn't expecting you back so soon.
Won the Mega Millions? I'll do you one better.
I got a job with the warden.
- I'm her new assistant.
- So? So? I did it for you.
You need ears on the inside.
I'll be the first to know what she's planning.
Transfers, guard changes, drug sweeps Bitch, do you think I'm brand new? I got the head guard on my team.
If there's a sweep, he can raid the locker where they stash the shit.
- That's right.
You talking about Hopper? - Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, Tamika's number one enemy? The one she's looking to fire? What? They got beef? See? You think you know shit, but you don't know until you sit next to the warden's office all day.
I can be useful to you.
And more than just this intel shit, you need somebody to make a move or whatever, I'll be there.
So, you think if you do this for me, then I'll give you what you asked for? Will you? Ain't she an old friend of yours? You must be real serious if you willing to do her dirty like this.
I am serious.
So then, why you talking to me? Why don't you do it yourself like the old-fashioned way? Hmm? I tried.
It's too hard the other way, okay? Instincts kick in, and this is the way.
It's a shame you didn't get the chair.
Why? So I could sit on death row for 15 years? Yeah.
No, thank you.
Shit, at least you get a last meal.
If it were up to me, I would live it up.
I don't know, I'll get like a never-ending pasta bowl from Olive Garden, 'cause it's never-ending, you know? Plus, a Crave Case from White Castle.
Fuck White Castle and they tiny-ass burgers, dawg.
What you need is a Storky's Supreme Meal and a cheese with a gravy bundle.
- A gravy bundle? What is that? - Exactly.
Listen, see what you can dig up.
You bring me back something useful, and then maybe I could come through for you.
How do I know you're not gonna string me along? You don't.
I only know if something's useful if I see it.
Otherwise, it's gonna be a G, like we talked about.
Right.
And I know you have your plate full with Blue Ivy and the twins, and keeping an eye on Jay, but I'm begging you, please, please, please help my friend Blanca.
She might seem scary and mean, but she's just Dominican.
- She's - Psst.
Hot Girl.
Sorry about before in the bathroom.
I got a sensitive system.
I can't eat too much salt or butter or dairy or anything cooked in oil, only lard.
What do you want? I heard you at the phones before.
Sounded like you got in touch with a lawyer? You were listening to me? I want the number, the one that you called.
I been trying to get a lawyer, but I can't afford it, and all the free ones I tried, they have at least a five-month wait.
Please.
I'm begging you.
My kids are out there, all alone.
They don't even know I'm in here.
I gotta get out of this place before I lose them.
Fine.
I'll give it to you, but you have to be very careful.
I will.
If the guards see you using this, they're gonna shut it down.
Thank you so much.
God bless you.
This is for a lawyer.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Call this number.
It's for a lawyer, okay? Okay.
Thank you.
You guys, this is for a lawyer.
- You seeing this? - Yes, I am.
Why do the hot ones always gotta cause trouble? Because they think they can get away with it.
Something's funky here.
I had a poppy seed bagel for breakfast.
I hear that poppy seeds can alter the test results.
Urban legend.
That might've been true in the '80s, but these things are super accurate now.
And this is coming back invalid, which means you probably tampered with it.
Did you tamper with it? No.
Look, I understand if you had a little weed.
I'm not gonna bust you for that, but you need to come clean, 'cause I'm gonna send this sample to Albany for lab testing, in which case it will be on the record and I will have to bust you.
I had a bloob.
- A what? - A bloob.
It's a blueberry mixed with - Never mind, I had some pot.
- Uh-huh.
Mmm-hmm.
It was a split-second decision and I regret it immensely, and it will never happen again.
And I am so so thankful for your understanding.
Yeah, I'm not being understanding.
That was a trick.
I tricked you.
What are you doing out here? What, you trying to fuck up your second chance at life? Do you have any idea how lucky you are? I got women coming in here, four kids, no support, working three jobs, doing everything they can to stay out, and you running around eating weed fruits! What, you think this is some kind of joke? I don't.
You're right.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I just Things have been so hard.
And I guess I just I guess I just wanted a little break.
And I really miss my wife.
I've seen it before, people stuck to their lives on the inside.
But you gotta cut that shit out! You gotta focus on being here, or you're gonna end up right back in there with her.
I'm gonna have you go to ten NA meetings at this halfway house.
I need you to take this form, get it signed by the administrator there after each meeting, and bring it back to me when you're all done.
While you're there, take a look around, and think about how good you got it.
- I will.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Mmm-hmm.
"Bloob.
" That's a silly word.
Where's Ramos? What do you mean she's gone? I'm guessing they took her to her hearing like me.
So, that means that she's gonna come back like you did, right? I wouldn't count on it.
It's like a Pack and Ship over there.
I got lucky I could copy the Salvadoran hater who went ahead of me.
I learned that even though they don't give you a lawyer, you have the right to ask for more time till you find one yourself.
They can't deport Maritza! - Yo, she's never even been to Colombia! - Hey.
Stay positive.
Maybe she's not at the hearing.
Maybe her lawyer came early, and she's sitting with her right now.
She got a lawyer? It must be hell being trapped in here, the way people keep disappearing like we're under Soviet occupation.
Hey, maybe that's why Red's been so on edge lately.
You can't even imagine.
On the bright side, though, I got you something.
You didn't.
True blue American 'tater chips.
Now, they're no salty god balls, but the ratio of sodium to helpful nutrients is about the same as a tot.
You're sweet and salty.
And now, he's out of the NICU, so he can take a bottle.
And he has a big appetite, which means big, healthy poops.
And Vinnie and I have a special name for him.
We have a few.
One is Sterling Pooper, another is Poopington Bear, or Jabba the Butt, uh Stinky McTurdlet and Mr.
Ca-poo-to.
What are those for? For the casserole.
Did you forget to put them in? No, of course not.
They must be left over.
Go and get the beans so we can start soaking them for tomorrow.
You come again? - You eat oysters or something? - Nah.
I needed that.
These kids got me stressed the fuck out.
I've been thinking I've been thinking maybe we should take a trip.
You know? Just the two of us.
Get away from all the bullshit.
Soon, baby.
I almost got enough saved to leave Mr.
Clean, and then we can go somewhere expensive and eat oysters, - and drink drinks with fruit in 'em.
Ooh.
- Hmm.
I'll even let you do that thing with the beads.
All right.
I can get with that.
Stop, stupid.
I could get with that.
Damn.
Shh.
Fuck.
Again with these kids.
What the fuck, man? Hello.
So, then eat something.
So, where's Eva? She what? What does that even taste like? Like pleasure mixed with toothpaste.
Wanna try? Nah.
All right.
- Yo, what the fuck? - Oh, shit! You think you're fucking slick? Like I wouldn't find out you're at your crackhead boyfriend's house? So, he's a crackhead because he deals, but it's okay when you do it? - Get in the fucking car.
- Fuck you.
- What did you just say to me? - I don't gotta listen to you.
Yes, you do.
I'm your mother.
Yeah, when you're not in prison! Stop pretending like you give a shit about me! Fuck you! - Get the fuck out of here! - Oh, shit! Let go of me, you crazy bitch! Get off her.
You're hurting her.
Mom! Stop it! What are you doing? Mom! Mom! You like messing with little girls? Huh? Fucking pervert! - Mom! - Get off of me! Let go of him! Mom! Mom! Mom! Open up, you little bitch! No one fucks with my kids! Mom! What are you doing? Mom? No, Mom, stop it! What are you doing? That's not even his car! About time we busted the fuck outta here.
This one felt like forever.
Yeah, all these stank-ass bitches are starting to get on my nerves.
Like this one.
- Fuck you, Aleida.
- Bye, girl.
Love you.
Keep it moving, ladies.
I can't say goodbye to my friends? Fucking friend police over here.
Yeah, you can't talk to us like that anymore, 'cause we're free, bitch! Ugh.
You mean you're free.
I'm getting released back to the evil drunk I came from.
I'm surprised she even showed up.
Why don't you just ditch her ass and come live with me and my brother, Ricky? What? Sling dope? Nah, you don't gotta sling nothing.
Just package.
Ricky slings.
Trust me, it is much better than tricking.
And the money's better, too.
Your brother, he cute? Ew! Yeah.
Can't believe I had to come all the way out here for this shit.
Yeah, I'm sure you had a real productive day planned.
You little brat.
You're lucky your father's back in the pen.
Otherwise, he would beat your stupid ass, the way you talk to me.
Oh, yeah? What he do this time? None of your business what he did.
What up, sluts? Who the fuck is this? You must be the deadbeat mom.
Now I see what you mean.
Aleida, this is my brother, Ricky.
- Oh, damn.
He is cute.
- Ew! - You want a ride? - She ain't goin' nowhere with you.
Aleida, where you goin'? Aleida, open the door.
Aleida! Aleida! Aleida, get back here! Aleida! Aleida! Oh.
Looks like the casserole did not go over very well.
Perhaps it's a hunger strike.
- Yeah, more like a will to live.
- Oh, for fuck's sake! Jeez, relax, Red! They can't all be home runs.
You think you're so funny, don't you, Nicky? Making fun of the work I'm doing, while you're over here joking around with your new flavor of the week.
Who knew you were so into caramel? Seriously? Okay, everybody, relax.
It was just a little screw up, right, Red? That's right, Gloria.
And maybe if I had a kitchen staff that was actually helpful instead of distracted, we wouldn't be serving food that's inedible.
Did she forget to cook the pasta? Maybe these ladies aren't into American food.
I'm gonna take over the stove, make some Latin dishes.
That way you could take a break.
I don't need a break! I need a competent kitchen staff that isn't having a goddamn telenovela in the corner.
I'm just trying to help you, Red.
Leave it alone, Gloria.
I'm not in the mood.
Wow.
You really cleaned up in here.
Did you get the phones working yet? Yep, and I'm almost done with the receipts.
You wanna know how much the last warden spent on coffee? - No.
No, I don't.
- It was a lot.
Now, you said that you wanted to make an appearance in each block every day.
This might be a good time to do your face-show, because you don't have anything until 3:00, and I know that you get bummed when you don't have your lunch.
Look at you with the time management.
Come on, man, don't be surprised.
I was always the organized one and you brought the fun.
I don't think I'm very much fun these days.
Well, I can schedule it in for you, if you need me to.
Fuck.
The guy said he called you three times.
Do you have any idea how much breast milk you wasted? That was date night, Cal.
That was a chance for me to go work at the forge for a few hours.
That was my freedom in that freezer! It's only a little warm.
It will refreeze.
No, Cal.
You can't refreeze it.
And it only lasts 24 hours after it thaws, so you know what? You're gonna drink this breast milk smoothie right now.
I worked too damn hard milking myself to watch it all thrown down the drain.
I hope you're thirsty, Piper.
I am so sorry, Neri.
Drink up.
It's got tons of antibodies.
Hey.
Hey.
Who are you? Where is Maritza Ramos? This is her bunk.
Did she come here with you?