The Goldbergs s07e05 Episode Script

1 ADULT ADAM: The '80s sparked some of the most iconic couples ever! From Loni and Burt to Goldie and Kurt, if you acted together, you usually ended up together.
And since my ex, Dana, had come back into my life, I secretly hoped the fall play would rekindle our romance.
Ladies and lords, hold on to your Tudor caps.
Romeo and Juliet! Yes! It's West Side Story without the fun music or Latino gangs.
I haven't read it yet, but Carla's always saying how we're totally gonna end up like Romeo and Juliet.
Oh, boy.
Well, I'm definitely auditioning for Juliet.
And good luck, everyone else, 'cause you're a shoo-in, girlfriend.
Friend that's a girl.
Just girl.
You know what you got.
Have a Romeo in mind? Who're we kidding? Andrew Gallery crushed it as Romeo at that fancy arts camp last summer.
Right.
Gallery.
Yep, every drama class had one Handsome, weirdly confident, and totally unbearable.
I find if I only wash my hair once a month, it gets a natural messiness that I can't acquire with a traditional conditioner.
You are so brave.
- I want to play a marine one day.
- Oh.
Apparently he told the Yale theater program he'd "let them know.
" Someone should let him know he's not all that.
No way, bro.
Gallery checks all the boxes! Accept it.
There's just way better people in the world.
I guess he's kinda cute.
Anyway, I'm gonna go run lines.
If Dana lands Juliet opposite Andrew Gallery, it will for sure turn into a showmance.
"Showmance"? Just because two beautiful teens spend hours together rehearsing and kissing in the most romantic play ever doesn't mean - Oh, balls, balls! - Yep.
That drab auditorium might as well be The Blue Lagoon, 'cause young love is afoot.
You're a foot.
You know what? Maybe I'll try out for Romeo.
Then you better start learning some Shakespeare.
It's not exactly the easy-breezy dialogue from ALF.
I will get the part and showmance with Dana and prove you and everyone else wrong.
But, unfortunately, that meant this.
"O Schmoopie-o, Schmoopie-o, "wherefore art thou, Schmoopie-o?" Mom! Enough with the Schmoopie-o's! Shakespeare would love the way I talk.
You know who doesn't love the way you guys are talking? - Vic and I.
- I don't mind, Mur.
(CHUCKLES) My daughter's auditioning for that play.
Asha? She's like five years old.
Oh, she was 11 years ago.
Well, tell Asha to break a leg.
I most certainly will not.
The last thing I want is my sweet angel in some teen raunchfest.
Raunchfest? That Shakespeare was a grade-A horndog.
There's no way I'm letting some hormonal Romeo smooch up my little princess.
Don't worry about this one landing the role.
No offense.
Offense taken, taken hard! Watch me perform Romeo's death by poison.
Ohh! (IMITATES SLURPING) Thy drugs are quick.
(GROANING) Oh, no! Thus with a kiss, I die! With Mama's kiss, you live! No! If thou goest, then I go, too.
Oh, give me that vial.
You two mind dying in the kitchen? (GROANING) I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day ADULT ADAM: It was October 23, 1980-something, and Erica was crushing college academically.
Cheggit! I got another "A" on my sociology midterm.
Another perfect grade? Your GPA is gonna look like Fonzie on a Friday All "Aaays.
" Yeah, I don't have time to acknowledge how lame that was.
Come on, let's celebrate by going to one of the many fun hangs on this corkboard.
Oh, no! A lost dog? Snowball is fine, and so am I.
No parties.
But all you do is go from your dorm to the classroom and back to your dorm.
I mean, get out there.
Meet some people.
And if you do, ask them if they've seen a bichon/pug mix who loves carrots.
Whoa! Whoa! Can't stop! Can't stop! Can't stop! - Ugh! - Ohh! Oh! I am so sorry.
Are you okay? This is my first time riding a skateboard.
Yeah, well, a crowded, public space full of strangers is a perfect place to start.
Oh, here, take my sweater.
Your knee is bleeding.
Wait.
Is this cashmere? I don't want to ruin it with my knee blood.
It'll give it character.
And then some cute guy is gonna come up to me, and he'll be like, "Hey, you got blood on your sweater," and I'll be like, "You're stupid.
" And then he'll be my boyfriend for a few weeks, and I will have you to thank.
Wow.
You're, like, a lot.
Thanks! I'm Ren.
It's short for Lauren.
I'm Erica.
Or Ca? Yeah, that doesn't work.
Um, well, it was nice to break your fall.
Don't look, but there is a guy over there who is majorly creeping on you.
Oh, yeah.
That creeper's my boyfriend.
- He wants me to make a friend.
- Tell him you did.
ADULT ADAM: And just like that, over the next few days, my sister's first college friendship was born.
Erica and Ren checked out local music.
College bands suck.
Oh, for sure.
We're taking this.
I'll bring it back when you learn how to use it.
Run! And then they hit up the campus art scenes.
This one is just squiggles.
I posed nude for that.
For real? Oh, damn! That's your butt! Yep, Erica and Ren were inseparable.
Nothing could derail their friendship.
Well, almost nothing.
Oh, [bleep.]
.
Ooh, are we randomly cursing? Ass! - No.
It's Parents Weekend.
- I know.
I'm stoked.
Gene and Rita are taking me somewhere fancy to eat.
Gene and Rita? That's so informal.
It's like you consider them people.
Yeah, my mom's a kickass defense attorney.
She puts bad people back on the street.
And, uh, my dad owns a couple restaurants in the city.
Wow, we have so much in common.
I mean, my mom could have been a lawyer, and my dad owns something he calls restaurant pants.
I'm just so glad that my mom and dad aren't like those psycho parents that are in your face all the time.
- Totally.
- Holy crap.
We should all grab brunch together this weekend.
That is an idea.
Here's the thing They can never meet you.
What? Why not? 'Cause they were, um - Lost at sea.
- What? Yeah, that's a real thing that I just told you from my mouth.
Oh, my God.
Were they, like, on a cruise or something? Yes.
That makes the most sense.
Yeah, they They were cruising for a bruisin' And they got one.
That must be so hard for you and your brother.
Cheggit! Package from Mom.
Homemade fudgy crunch bars! (CHUCKLES) Whoo! So fudgy in my mouth! How does it go down? So sticky! Sweet, sad Barry.
He just hasn't accepted it.
That is sad.
ADULT ADAM: As Erica leaned into her lie, all I cared about was beating out Andrew Gallery for the lead of Romeo and Juliet.
Dude, you're Romeo.
I know, Dave Kim.
Romeo kisses Juliet! I know, Dave Kim! And Dana is Lady Montague? Oh, no, Dave Kim.
That means she's playing my Mom.
- I mean, it could be worse.
- Could it? It's not like you're playing my actual mom.
Even if you were, I've heard my dad say more than once that she's a handsome lady.
And I'll shut up.
But if you didn't get Juliet, who did? There's my Romeo.
Asha? Congrats.
Dana, you know Asha.
Asha, you know Dana.
You guys both know each other, so that's cool.
Our dads sell furniture together.
More like they avoid our moms together.
You'll make a great Juliet.
So, I have to ask How'd you beat out Andrew Gallery? If I had to guess, pure unbridled talent.
Wrong.
In the play, Romeo is a confused 15-year-old.
I thought Adam would be perfect because he still has the wildly underdeveloped body and crude acting of a young boy.
- You honor me.
- Mm.
And a heads-up.
My dad's not too thrilled about me doing this play.
Oh, I know.
But as a romantic lead, I'm prepared to endure the fury of an angry father.
You're Romeo? (LAUGHING) But what about your whole thing about handsy Romeos smooching up your little princess? (LAUGHING INTENSIFIES) You understand.
You're not a Romeo.
I was literally cast as Romeo.
ADULT ADAM: I couldn't stand that Vic and my dad thought I wasn't a leading man.
Meanwhile, my sister was leading the charge to protect her friendship with Ren.
Mom and Dad can't come to Parents Weekend.
Absolutely not! Also, why not? If tacky, horrible Mom shows up, Ren will never talk to me again.
Ha! The friendship you care about hinges on the paper-thin premise you can hide Mom forever.
This is bad for you, too.
Do you think potential girlfriends on this campus will respond well to Beverly Goldberg? Oh, no! You brought it around to me, and now I'm invested.
What do we do? Parents Weekend starts Saturday.
What if it didn't? Parents Thursday? The hell's Parents Thursday? Parents Thursday replaces Parents Weekend due to an emergency campus renovation.
- Is the tuition going up? - No.
- Suckers.
- Silver lining We have a small window of time this upcoming Thursday.
Evening.
After dark.
- We'll make it work.
- MURRAY: I'm out.
You know I don't drive after dark unless I like the place I'm going.
Rats.
Well, Mom, keep in mind that this event is super last-minute, so most parents won't be there.
Lucky me.
I get my college schmoos and their campus all to myself.
ADULT ADAM: And with that, Parents Thursday was a go.
It all kicked off at the ladies' field hockey equipment closet.
If we had a key, you'd see a lot of sticks.
Moving on.
And they did, to a sketchy burrito joint nine miles from campus.
We come here all the time.
What the hell is a "kimi-conga"? Of course, no school tour is complete without a stop at the dorm facilities room.
I push these buttons all the time.
- Beep, boop, beep, boop.
- (WHIRRING) And the final stop of our Parents Thursday tour, the majestic parking lot.
All right, see you at Thanksgiving.
Oh.
Okay.
(CHUCKLES) ADULT ADAM: Success! Erica and Barry had pulled it off.
Or not.
Parents [bleep.]
Thursday? Really? - She knows.
- You know? Of course I know.
Erica made me do it! She's the mastermind.
Barry good.
Erica bad.
Mom, look, it's not a big deal.
I just don't really want you here.
You get it.
I guess I do.
I accept it.
What? But you never just accept it.
Good evening, gentle daughter.
No, don't be cordial.
What's your next move, lady? I need to know! Oh, no, this is terrible! She has my burrito in her car! ADULT ADAM: Erica knew something was up with my mom.
Meanwhile, Romeo's big kiss with Juliet was about to go down.
Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.
Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take.
My kiss with Asha got a little hot and heavy.
Okay, a lot.
And I wasn't the only one who felt that way.
Damn! Okay! All right! All right! No more! That's enough.
That's enough.
Adam, I knew you were the right choice, because that was sensuous.
Thanks, I think.
We're children, so it's a little weird.
It was spicy, like a Cuban night.
That's not much better.
I mean, it's like I just came out of a Turkish sauna! Uh, would you mind if we took that from the top? I'd love another shot.
(CHUCKLES) Or we could just move on, maybe.
That's a good idea, Lady Montague.
Let's take ten and regroup.
I need to air out my directing scarf.
Whoo! Dude, this is better than you could have ever imagined.
All the kissing's making Dana crazy, and Asha's clearly into you now, too.
- You think Asha's into me? - Have you seen her notebook? - It's got "AG" written all over it.
- I'm "AG.
" I only signed up for this play to stop Dana from kissing that handsome douche, and now I'm the handsome douche.
You're gonna be a theater department legend, right up there with that guy who freed all the cats during Cats, and then they couldn't catch all the cats, so now we can't do Cats anymore.
Take that, Vic and Dad.
I am a threat.
Hey, Susie.
I just popped by to pick up Asha.
How's the play going? Well, let's just say that Romeo and Juliet are taking advantage of their very palpable chemistry.
- Palpable? - I know.
Seems unlikely.
Asha and Goldberg's kid? Let's just say when I closed my eyes and opened them, I was in Verona, and true love was in the air.
Nuh-uh! Asha's involvement in this burlesque show is a big no! Oh, boy.
ADULT ADAM: After finding out about our hot and heavy rehearsal, Vic was living out his own tragedy.
So, it's been brought to my attention that Ms.
Cinoman has decided to put on an R-rated version of Romeo and Juliet.
It's just a kiss.
That is not how you described it.
The heat around them made the air buckle.
See? Teenage air-buckling and whatnot.
Whatnot! Excuse me.
Why am I here? Because your child is a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Cinoman confirmed.
- Turbulent blood did fill my heart.
- VIC: Damn it, Mur.
You agreed your son wasn't a threat.
We even shared a chuckle about how wildly unmasculine he is.
Well, maybe the problem isn't my son.
It's your daughter.
Asha was attacked by that four-eyed dorkus.
Whoa! "Dorkus"? Oh, you heard me.
The kid is a doof.
I should really jump in here, or just see where this is going.
I forbid your son from stage-Frenching my daughter! I forbid your daughter from stage-Frenching my son! Is anyone else picking up on the irony of this situation? Rival families torn apart by their children's love.
Just say the words, Susan.
This is Romeo and Juliet.
- Nobody's ever heard of that show.
- What are you even talking about? I demand you cancel the play, Principal Bald.
It's Ball.
And I would if I could, but the community-service kids are already painting sets.
Then I demand you remove all the romance kissing and and and randy language.
I could do that.
Earl! You can't rewrite Shakespeare! One would think, but look at me go.
Bye-bye, that bit.
Please.
Now they're just star-crossed pals? Let's play it safe and make 'em star-crossed business colleagues.
ADULT ADAM: And so it would be a romance-free Romeo and Juliet.
Meanwhile, my sister knew my mom wouldn't let her free on Parents Weekend that easily.
Okay, if I make this, I live forever and Dian Parkinson from The Price is Right becomes my live-in girlfriend.
Aw! Doesn't count! Will you shut up? Okay, shouldn't you be celebrating? You don't have to spend the weekend with Mom.
No! You think that she's just gonna let Parents Thursday go? She's coming for me.
She's coming hard.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR) - BEVERLY: It's your mama! Lady Vengeance has come.
Oh, no.
Your dread was justified.
(SINGSONG VOICE) Happy Parents Weekend.
Erica said you were upset, but your wrapped gifts and cheery tone say otherwise.
Not buying it.
What's your game, Mom? I am a mom, strange girl, just not yours.
She's pretending to not be your mom to get back at you.
- Yeah, thanks, Geoff.
Good add.
- Uh-huh.
I'm just here to celebrate Parents Weekend with my one child who attends this university.
She's wearing a sweater that's so sparkly and vindictive.
Why are you just saying the things we can all see? And you should know that I'm not done by a long shot.
Whatever.
Your lame attempt to divide us won't work.
The sibling bond is stronger than any What the hell, dude? Sorry, strange girl, but material goods and homemade treats have won me over.
These have peanut butter! And butterscotch.
Who's ready to be spoiled by Mama? - Me.
- (LAUGHS) Just know, no matter how hard you try, you will never make me jealous.
ADULT ADAM: And try my mom did.
Look! Mom foolishly got me a bank account.
Mom got me more fancy horse shirts than one boy could ever need.
Mom got me a semester's worth of frozen pizza.
And the gifts only got bigger from there.
Oh, Parents Weekend is the best.
I got a pinball machine that makes it nearly impossible to open my closet.
- (CHUCKLES) - Your feeble attempt to make me feel bad is sad and will bankrupt your husband.
Do you hear something, Barry, something squeaky and unappreciative? That was Erica.
She's there.
And you know what else? I'm hanging out with my new friend Ren, who has cool, not-crazy parents.
Stupid family-sized fridge.
Okay, people, please refer to the changes in Romeo and Juliet: A Tale of Platonic Office Associates.
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and my pal from accounting is the sun.
Parting with my bud over in H.
R.
is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow bud.
(TELEPHONE RINGS) What do they even do at this office? General business.
Now, stop asking questions and start stealing Tybalt's yogurt from the break room.
I'm too handsome for this.
- I'm out.
- No! We can't lose our Mercutio, the mid-level executive! Yeah, I quit, too.
ADULT ADAM: My showmance was slipping away.
I had to do something.
Asha, wait.
I'm really sorry about how our dads ruined Shakespeare.
(SIGHS) Yeah, they're the worst.
- But I still think you should do it.
- What's the point? Well, even though they cut our kiss, we can still share Whatever this is.
This? Our chemistry.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Do you think I'm into you? - You're not? - No.
But you wrote "AG" all over your notebook.
Andrew Gallery? Huh.
I guess I'm not the only person with my initials.
I'm so sorry, Adam.
ADULT ADAM: And then it got even worse.
Hey! Guess who's your new Juliet.
Oh, cool.
Oh, I thought you'd be more excited.
I'm sorry.
I'm just Forget it.
It's about someone else.
Yeah.
I'm getting that feeling.
While both of my showmances quickly fell apart, my mom was still determined to break Erica on Parents Weekend.
Excuse me, random coeds.
Are these seats taken? Oh, God.
Yes.
They're very much taken.
I'm sorry.
My My parents are coming.
Oh, that's fine.
We'll just sit here until they arrive.
Barry, over here.
(CHUCKLES) Wait.
Isn't that your brother? Is it? No, I think I would know.
I told Mom where you were.
She bought me a snowmobile.
I'm sorry.
I am so confused.
It's a vehicle you drive on snow.
It's right there in the name.
Uh, no.
This is your mom? I-I thought you were lost at sea.
I'm lost at sea? Yes, because it's better than the truth That you're a crazy person intent on ruining my life.
Wow.
You'd rather have my lifeless body bobbing in the ocean than spend one lousy day with me at your college? Let's go, Barry.
BARRY: Mom, is my burrito still in your car? I'm sorry about that.
My mom is just always on top of me.
With the visits and constant attention, it's too much.
Well, my parents aren't even here.
At least you get along, and, you know, they're cool.
So cool they forgot to even show up.
Wait.
They're not coming? This happens all the time 'cause funny thing is that they don't care.
But clearly your mom does.
I don't think you know how good you have it.
ADULT ADAM: After being driven away by Erica, my mom was wrapping up the worst Parents Weekend ever.
Pinball! Pinball! Pinball! Pinball! Pinball! Yes! Barry! It's a lot.
I know.
I almost broke my high score from this morning.
(PINBALL MACHINE DINGING) Oh, don't worry.
I'm just leaving.
- Mom, stay.
- Pinball! Pinball! Yes! I never should've made up Parents Thursday.
Not to mention the whole "lost at sea" thing.
That was a nice touch.
Look, it took me a long time to make my first college friend, and I was worried you'd scare her off.
Scare her off? You can be overwhelming.
Pinball! Pinball! Pinball! Yes! - Damn it, Barry.
- I'm taking the pinball away.
I know, but you not wanting me in your life is the worst pain a mama can have.
I'm sorry.
And the truth is, I love how much you care, even if sometimes it's a lot.
Really? More than you know.
So, Parents Weekend isn't over.
Maybe you want to grab dinner with me and my new friend Ren? That would be perfect.
ADULT ADAM: It's easy to be scared of pushing someone new in your life away.
But then you remember the people closest to you will always back you up.
Hey, uh, shouldn't you be putting on the tights or whatever? I'm not doing the dumb play.
- Why not? - Asha was just using me.
Then I screwed up with Dana.
Now I got nothing.
(SIGHS) (SIGHS) You know, I read this thing.
You read Romeo and Juliet? There's only one difference between you and Romeo.
He had his heart set on one girl.
(SIGHS) I guess I did get a little carried away.
Yeah.
Young love is difficult.
Totally.
If you stay patient, you'll meet your Juliet.
Thanks, Dad.
Also, I talked to Principal Ball.
He's gonna let the play go back to the original Shakespeare.
You did that? Why? Because my son is starring as Romeo, and I wouldn't miss that for anything.
ADULT ADAM: That night, my dad convinced me I could be a leading man.
I just had to remember why I did this in the first place.
Hey.
Hey.
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to make you feel like some runner-up.
Whatever.
I get it.
The truth is, I only tried out for the play so you wouldn't end up with Andrew Gallery.
Really? It's stupid, I know.
No, it's sweet.
And if we're being honest, seeing you kiss Asha made me extra bummed I wasn't Juliet.
All right, places! Places, everyone! Come on! Oh, crap! We're not in business casual? Guess I'll see you out there.
- Break a leg.
- You too.
ADULT ADAM: Life has a funny way of bringing familiar faces back into our lives right when we need it most.
And then there's those new faces who can help make our lives complete.
I'd waited three long years to kiss Dana again.
If we were meant to be, this moment would say it all.
- Every little thing she does - (RECORD SCRATCHES) And I didn't feel anything.
Oof.
That's a swing and a miss.
Shakespeare was right.
Young love is totally complicated.
And I was a long way from figuring it out.
Now I know my love for her goes on Every little thing she does is magic Then I defy you, stars! Thus with a kiss - Gah! - I'm here to apologize I may have said some untoward things about you.
Being a goober, a spaz, a weenie, a total buttweed.
Yeah.
I don't need a whole recap.
I also said that your flimsy, unformed child body was not only shapeless, but weak and gross.
I kinda have to get to class.
Additionally, I spoke of your manly prowess as a joke.
You know who you should really meet? Asha! Andrew! Well, who in the hell is this smiling simpleton? Okay, then.
You three have fun.