Two and a Half Men s07e05 Episode Script

Not yet, not yet, not yet.
Okay.
Wait for the traffic to clear and then turn into the left lane.
Not yet, not yet.
Okay, go.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
All right, good.
Good, well done.
Thank you.
- What are you doing? - Driving.
Both hands, 10 and 2.
Twelve.
No, no, like a clock.
Ten and 2.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Put your left hand on the wheel.
Fine.
You gotta like that he can add 10 and two.
Yeah, and he did it in his head.
- Hey, hey, concentrate on the road.
- You listen to the radio while you drive.
- I'm an experienced driver.
- You drive like an old woman.
An experienced old woman.
My point is, never take your eyes off the road.
Don't distract the kid.
He can barely crap and read at the same time.
- I can too.
- Look at the road.
Don't yell at him.
Jake, look out, look out! Will you guys just let me drive? Fine, fine.
Drive.
So, Charlie, when's your fiancée back in town? Uh, next week.
Huh.
So her dad's out of the hospital? Yep.
They gave him his new hip and sent him home.
Huh.
So he had a bad hip? No, Alan, he has a bad tooth but he went to the wrong doctor.
- You don't have to be snide.
- Don't ask dumb-ass questions.
He didn't ask me anything.
Yellow light, yellow light.
Speed up, speed up, speed up.
- Slow down, slow down, slow down.
I've about had it with you two.
If you don't quit it l'm gonna turn this car around and nobody's going to the movies.
Man, I've always wanted to say that.
I have to go to the bathroom.
You should've peed when he made that left turn, like I did.
Oh, there's three over there.
- Too far away.
- Ugh.
Why don't you wear your glasses? - I don't need them.
- So why did your doctor prescribe them? It's a racket.
I think they print those charts blurry then tell you it's your eyes.
Can we please just sit down? No, no, slide over one, slide over one.
I need the aisle.
Why do you always need the aisle? He's got a prostate the size of an apple and has to pee every five minutes.
There's nothing wrong with my prostate, I've got a teeny bladder, it's genetic.
Another reason I think you were adopted.
Ha, ha.
It wasn't funny when I was 6, not funny now.
Can't you at least wait till the lights go down? I'm hungry.
Deviled egg? No.
Close the lid.
It smells like a box of ass.
I don't know why they call them deviled eggs.
I think they're just heavenly.
Why can't you just sneak in candy like a normal cheapskate? Way ahead of you.
Still got these left over from last Halloween.
Shh.
What the hell are you doing? How am I supposed to have a rum and coke without the rum? You're not supposed to bring liquor into a movie theater.
Oh, but it's fine to bring a big box of ass? - Where you going? - I'm gonna sit over here.
But But this is family time.
I like this family better.
Oh, damn it, I have to pee.
Oh, great.
Focus! Focus! Focus! Great movie choice, Alan.
Excuse me, it was recommended by four out of five critics who were not plowed when they saw it.
- Just get some ice cream.
- Sure we need to buy some? Your dad probably has gelato in his pants.
- Uh-oh.
- What? Nothing.
- You know those girls? - Kind of.
- Wanna go over and say hello? - Alan, don't be an idiot.
No teenager wants to be seen out with his father.
Especially when his father stinks of deviled ass eggs.
Yeah, but teenagers love to be seen with degenerate rum-soaked uncles who always dress like they're on line at Epcot Center.
Well, pardon me for having a personal style.
Will you guys, please, please shut up? - Hi, Jake.
- Hey.
Oh, she's cute.
You guys go to school together? - Where else is he gonna meet a girl? He has outside interests.
- He could've met her anywhere.
- He only has two outside interests.
And I don't think he met her at a taco truck or a public toilet.
- I'm not hungry.
Let's go.
- Hey, hey.
We're not going anywhere.
- I want ice cream.
- Why, you gonna pour rum on it? No.
Crème de cacao.
All that drinking.
I feel sorry for you.
Don't feel sorry for me.
You're the reason I drink.
If it weren't for me, you would've choked on your vomit years ago.
Hey, don't flatter yourself.
I was vomiting in my sleep long before you came into my life and I'll be vomiting long after you're gone.
Next please.
- Oh, yay.
Um I would like to sample the passion fruit and the Banana Brickle, and Ooh, maybe the Nutty Butter Buddy.
Why don't you just get a double scoop of gayberry and be done with it? - What do you want, Jake? - A quick, painless death.
- Hey, what happened to those cute girls? - They left.
Oh, too bad.
I think the one liked you.
- They were looking over here a lot.
- I know.
Next time, take a little initiative.
Yeah, we're not always gonna be here to support you.
So you peek over your right shoulder and slide it into the spot.
Parallel parking, easy peasy.
- Are we home? - We're dropping off Jake.
Oh.
I kind of got a sugar crash off that ice cream.
Yeah, it had nothing to do with the Better liqueur than Halloween leftovers.
They charged 50 cents for each topping and I had perfectly good candy corn.
Okay, bye.
- See you next weekend.
- Yeah, maybe.
- What's that mean? - I'll call you.
Okey-doke.
Boy, you really pissed him off.
- I pissed him off? What about you? - Hey, he likes me.
Oh, please, nobody likes you.
We only tolerate you because you have a lot of money.
- All right, get out.
- What are you talking about? - This is my car.
- Fine, how much do you want for it? Don't be ridiculous.
Are we talking Blue Book? Because I just put a new tire on it.
You are a lush.
You are a leech.
You are a misogynist.
You are a mistake.
You are a - What are we up to? - N.
Thank you.
Uh, you are a necrophiliac.
She was drunk, not dead.
I challenge.
Okay, fine.
You're a narcissist.
- Better.
- Mm-hm.
You are a nancy boy.
You are old.
You are odd - ly shaped.
Hang on.
- You are a parasite.
- Not your turn.
Hello? Oh, hey, Judith, what's up? What do you mean, "What happened with Jake?" We had a nice weekend.
Well, we went driving, to the movies, ice cream.
Quack, rectal, suckwad.
I never got my P.
All you do is pee.
What? Nothing.
A little word game.
You know, exercise the brain.
- Twit.
- Turd burglar.
Judith, I don't know what Jake's problem is.
We had a terrific weekend.
Huh.
Jake doesn't wanna come here anymore.
Really? Why? I don't know.
Did he say why? Charlie and I don't bicker.
I mean, no more than any other couple - of guys.
- Right? - Right.
Oh, oh, oh.
You are a eunuch.
That's E, not U.
Learn to spell.
Useless.
Look, I don't know what to tell you.
He's a teenager, he'll get over it.
Okay.
Okay, bye-bye.
Well, I hope you're happy.
I haven't been happy in seven years.
I will not have been here seven years until next fall.
Oh, good to know.
Circle the date on the calendar so I'll know when to hang myself.
Ha, ha, funny.
It's because of you Jake doesn't wanna come here anymore.
Great.
Tell me what I did so I can do it to you.
You are such a What are we up to? - V.
- Varmint.
- You are a varmint.
- Yeah, well you are a vagina.
- You're calling me a vagina? - No, no, no.
That's too good for you.
Mm.
What you are is vagina-adjacent.
You know, for some women this could be considered a hostile work environment.
Hey.
Isn't it past your bedtime? I don't like to go to sleep angry.
Try drinking more.
What will that solve? Sobriety.
We need to talk.
Oh, good.
I was so worried we weren't gonna talk.
I've been thinking.
Maybe Jake not wanting to hang out here does have something to do with us.
- We have been fighting a lot lately.
- So? Don't you want him to feel comfortable? He farts at the dinner table.
How much more comfortable do we want him? If you and I don't figure out a way to get along we might not see him anymore.
And the downside is? Come on, tough guy, you know you love him.
Why don't you admit it? Okay, I love him.
Now go to your room and masturbate.
Already did, still can't sleep.
My point is, we have to work out our differences for the sake of the child.
Are you out of your mind? If it weren't for Jake, we could shake hands and walk away.
After what you've been doing, there'll be no shaking of hands.
I keep Purell in my nightstand.
I'm not an animal.
Where's this going, Alan? Well, I am glad you asked.
"A Blueprint for Love?" It's a workbook Judith and I got in couples counseling.
The principles can be applied to any human beings in a relationship.
I see.
You did this right before she kicked your ass out and took everything you own? The principles are sound.
Judith is an unreasonable bitch.
Now, okay.
The first exercise, "Building a foundation of trust.
" So we each say three things we admire about the other.
I will go first.
Um, I admire your sense of humor your generosity and your devil-may-care attitude.
- Thank you.
- Ha, ha.
Now your turn.
Three things you admire about me.
Three? Really? All right.
Uh I like that you think I'm funny.
- Good one.
- Still counts, right? Sure.
Two to go.
- What did Judith put? - No cheating.
Okay, uh You love your kid, which can't be easy.
And you disinfect your hands after you masturbate.
Thank you.
Now, that wasn't so difficult, was it? - Okay, next.
- There's more? - Have we healed our relationship? - I'm good.
Okay, "Three things you would change about your partner and three things you would change about yourself.
" This time you start.
Why would I wanna change anything about myself? You're kidding, right? - You think you're perfect? - In my way.
Oh, so you have no flaws? Let us consider the hummingbird, Alan.
Or the butterfly.
All of God's creatures are perfect just the way he made them.
Except you.
You suck.
Okay.
Okay, fine.
Name three things you would change about me.
Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.
Thank you.
Your voice, your face and again, your address.
All right, heh.
All right, all right.
Your haircut, your fruity little workbook and your address.
Just Just needed three.
Oh, come on.
We're healing.
Your cheapness, your smug arrogance and your address.
I'm leaving.
Hey, this thing really works.
The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears and your address.
That stopped being funny a week ago.
- Judges? - Still funny.
So where's the kid this weekend? - He's not coming, thanks to my brother.
- Thank you, Charlie.
Sure, lay it all on me.
Nothing's ever your fault.
At least I was willing to work on our problems.
What, that stupid Blueprint for Love? That was an excuse to try to change me.
You knew who I was when you moved in.
- Doesn't mean you can't grow.
- Why can't you grow? - Because you hold me back.
- Stop it.
Can't you see you're tearing this family apart? Ha.
What a couple of mos.
Can we at least establish ground rules about how we treat each other in front of Jake? Like what? Like, if there's something bothering us we wait and discuss it privately.
- Fine.
- And no name-calling.
- Done.
- And the sarcasm.
While you and I know our good-natured ribbing is in fun Jake might perceive it as hostile.
- I hate you.
Exactly.
If Jake heard you say that, he'd think you really meant it.
I do mean it.
I hate you.
Funny.
One of those things I admire about you.
Come on, we'll get dressed and go talk to Jake.
Just thought of another thing I'd change about you.
Oh, yeah? What's that? Your inability to accept my hatred.
And your address.
Hey.
He doesn't wanna spend the weekend with you.
- You heard her, Alan.
Let's go.
- Oh, stop it.
I'm serious, we don't need him.
I can pick my nose and wipe it on your car seat.
- We'll talk to him.
Where is he? - In his room.
Let me ask you something.
How did you convince Alan you hated him? - What? - He won't believe me.
Charlie.
It's not like I can withhold sex like you did.
If you think of anything, text me.
Wow, you are getting pretty good.
I'm just tuning it.
Tune on, broheim.
What are you doing here? Okay, first of all, your uncle and I would like to apologize for our behavior last week.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I've got nothing to apologize for.
So you've been perfect through this whole thing? What can I tell you? I'm a hummingbird.
- Shut up, Charlie.
- I hate you and you were adopted.
Your uncle and I understand that we might have made you uncomfortable.
And we want you to know that we're gonna make a real effort to change.
When are you planning to start? - Right now.
Right, Charlie? - Yeah, sure.
- So you guys will stop fighting so much? - Yes.
- And you won't embarrass me in public? - When did we embarrass you in public? Come on, you embarrass him constantly.
- And you don't? - Hey, I'm the colorful uncle.
One day, he'll be telling his kids funny stories about me.
- He'll be telling stories about me too.
- Yeah, to his court-appointed psychiatrist.
- You have got a cruel streak that is ugly.
- Wanna know what's ugly? The schmuck who lives in my guestroom.
Heh.
At least I am not an aging pretty boy clinging onto the last dregs of his youth.
What are you saying, I'm losing my looks? Oh, now you're worried.
Let me tell you something.
Looks is all you've ever had.
No heart, no soul, no depth of character whatsoever.
Come on, be honest.
Which would you rather have? My looks or those other three things? You know what? Bite me.
I can't believe you actually bit me.
Wait, wait.
I thought you were gonna talk to him.
We did.
He's still upset with us.
You know teenagers, you just can't reason with them.
Oh, really? Wait right here.
I don't give a damn.
Weekends are the only peace I get around here.
They're both losers.
Deal with it.
Now get your ass up and go with your father! I'm driving.
I call shotgun.
- Shotgun? What are you, a child? - Me a child? You just bit me.
Hey, don't rev it.
You're wasting gas.
- Hey.
Hey, come back here.
- Hey.
Is he waving or did he just give us the finger? Both hands on the wheel, 10 and 2! Okay.
Okay, that completes the "how to disagree in a loving way" section.
I think we did very well.
I disagree but in a loving way.
Okay, okay, next.
Um - Things we have in common.
- Oh, oh, oh.
Charlie.
- Same last name, same last name.
- Oh, very nice.
Very nice.
- Drink? - Yes, I am.
Okay.
Things we have in common.
Things we have in common.
Uh Mom.
We both have the same mother.
No, no, no.
You're adopted.
Oh.
Right, right, right.
Okay, let's see.
Let's see.
What do we have in common? Uh Oh, oh.
Oh, here's one.
Um, we both feel unworthy of love and battle homosexual panic.
Maybe that's just me.
- Maybe.
- Mm.
Okay, okay.
Here's one, here's one.
We both love Jake.
- Oh, Jake.
- Mm.
Yeah, I love him.
Where is the little fartmeister? I think he's sleeping.
- Oh, he needs to know we love him.
- You're right.
You're right.
We don't tell him enough.
Come on, let's go wake him up and tell him we love him.
Mm, good idea, good idea.
Jake! Guess who loves you!