Veep s07e05 Episode Script
Super Tuesday
1 Andrew, how much money did you steal? Technically, it was you that stole the money from the fund, because I signed your name on some documents.
Oh my God.
Mayor Splett, how does it feel to be the hero of 7-Eleven? Oh, I'm no hero.
I'm just a mayor.
I happen to consult for a number of very large clients in Asia, and they were very, very impressed and delighted - by your sermon.
- (Selina chuckles) Ma'am, you wanna see this.
REPORTER: Poll watchers are reporting that over 48,000 black voters were turned away.
I think the Chinese just delivered.
Oh, uh, I need an itinerary.
Itineraries are only for people who work on the campaign.
Wait, I'm fired? I believe her words were, "If I need another Washington douche, I'll go to the M Street Rite-Aid.
" The latest Super Tuesdays polls are in.
- Oh.
- You're up three in Texas.
- Eight in North Carolina.
- Ooh! - Up two in Massachusetts.
- Nice! Then we fly back to Virginia tonight, pop into Alabama on the way, and then a quick stop in Oklahoma City for an hour-and-a-half rally.
That's an hour and 29 minutes too long in that former Indian concentration camp.
BEN: Looks like Kemi's got full protection from the Secret Service.
What kind of affirmative action bullshit is that? Here's your speech, ma'am.
I dumbed it down even more.
Good, 'cause the last one looked like the toilet bowl after William F.
Buckley ate a thesaurus.
Kemi has been getting some death threats.
Well, then we should leak some of my death threats, OK? I get some, don't I? - KENT: Oh, yeah.
- GARY: So many.
Here's a couple that came in while you were on the plane.
"I'm gonna break your fat arms and strangle you" Wait.
I don't have fat arms.
That's just criminally insane And regular insane.
- Pick another one.
A plausible one.
- GARY: Yeah.
LEON: "Someone should put a bullet in your shriveled old face.
" No! Just make up some death threats that are nicer.
OK, I'll come up with a dozen.
Wait a minute.
Before I go onstage, where are we now? - I wanna say the South? - Uh Well - Gary, go find out where we are.
- GARY: Yeah.
LEON: Ma'am, there is a small change to the speech.
We no longer use the Rosa story.
What are you talking about?! - It kills every time.
Tears! - I know.
Rosa was deported this morning.
They identified her from details in your speech.
Well, that's impossible, because I made her up.
Well, no, actually, ma'am, there's a Rosa Sanchez in Tennessee who has four kids and the exact same dead-end jobs.
Oh, my God, you conjured her! Yeah, right out of my Stephen Glass-hole.
- Oklahoma City! - REPORTERS: Madam President! Any comment that a federal grand jury in New York is getting ready to indict your husband, Andrew Meyer? - He's my ex-husband.
- Can you respond to a rumor that he's hired a new legal team and is making a deal with prosecutors? I can't hear you, so you're gonna have to repeat that.
You have to repeat it.
That can only mean one thing, ma'am.
Andrew's gonna flip on you.
Goddamnit! Tell my attorney to meet me in the next filler state we're in.
'Cause last I heard, you can't run for office - and be in prison.
- BEN: Maybe in the House you can.
BEN: Ma'am, this Andrew thing is everywhere.
Your unfavorables are rising past "accidental ethnic slur" - right into "men's room incident.
" - Oh, God.
- SELINA: Catherine? OK.
- MARJORIE: Oh.
Shh.
This is the face of clinical depression, ma'am.
With the hair of a mental patient.
Oh, my kingdom for a beret.
Listen, honey, um, Daddy is in hiding again and I know he calls you to borrow money sometimes Fight your own battles, Mother, OK? I'm really struggling right now.
SELINA: OK, you know what, if anyone should be depressed, it's me, but I am stable as fuck.
(laughs) Yeah, you are! Your lawyer's waiting.
Karen! - Madam President! - Oh, I'm glad to see you.
- You too.
- Andrew might be cutting a deal, which would just destroy me.
I have to stop you there, ma'am.
Andrew has hired me as his new attorney.
Oh Thank God.
So you can talk him out of this deal, right? But it's a very good deal.
For him.
- Karen - (laughs) you understand that when I am elected president again, I can issue Andrew a full pardon.
- Right? - I wish you hadn't told me that.
And yet I'm also glad that you did.
I might be able to use it against you.
I wouldn't unless I have to.
Well, this has been a dry fuck on a sandy beach.
It's always a pleasure to see you as well.
Sure.
OK, well, listen, will you tell Andrew that I'm gonna be in New York on Friday? So he can just come and talk to me directly.
I can't advise my client to do that, but I might.
Ohh God.
Any luck with the human Mobius strip? Andrew's cutting a deal.
I could go to jail.
I don't look good in jumpsuits.
I mean, I do, but I don't.
Ya know.
- (knock on door) - What? Ma'am, we've got incoming.
I've got a buddy at WaPo who's working on a story about South Carolina and possible foreign election interference.
OK, first of all, call it the Washington Post like a non-asshole, and I don't know anything about foreign interference, and stop staring at me like I'm some sort of teenage runaway that you just strangled.
Yes, ma'am.
Oh, my God.
First Andrew, and now this Washington Post Chinese thing? I mean, my God, this is like having two different Senators with their hands up my skirt.
Which actually happened to me once during a Supreme Court confirmation.
Without going into any legally incriminating detail, ma'am, how deep are you? Keith Quinn is working with the Chinese.
Wait, so Quinn is the in-house Chinese asset? Yeah.
- I thought it was Kent.
- I assumed it was you.
What's our play moving forward here? The Joseph Goebbels playbook.
Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty.
Steal from the best.
You need to get rid of that Chinese money, ma'am.
Gary? Just book me on the friendliest news show possible.
Copy that.
Mike it is.
OK, Gary, you need to spend every dime in the space-based - Faith-based.
- Mm-hmm.
On religious shit.
- ASAP.
- I don't know how to do that.
I don't even know how it got there.
Just give it to one of those gay-converting Baptist colleges to fund a statue of a gold-plated Jesus - fucking a triceratops.
- Wow.
AMY: All right, Congressman Slender Man.
Don't say his name.
Now that Florida has moved its primary to Super Tuesday, we are going to stay here and focus all of our efforts.
No, I told Beth that we could go to Arkansas so she could give me a hand job in a hot spring.
It's my birthday.
Your particular brand of crazy is polling very high here in Florida, especially with melanoma-loving swamp fuckers, storm-ravaged climate deniers, and deadbeat dads and deadbeat moms.
Those are my peeps.
So we are launching a brand-new fundraising initiative: Next month, donate $38 for Jonah Ryan's 38th birthday.
Thirty-eight dollars? That's like a shitty gift that you get from your asshole grandmother.
If Selina Meyer did this, she'd get, like, a thousand dollars because she's, like, a thousand years old.
Selina would kill to be 38.
She's been lying about her age for years.
- Whatever.
I'd still do her.
- I'm down to clown.
Holy shit, Bruckheimer, when you get an abortion, you're supposed to leave the mangled fetus at the clinic, not staple it to the skeleton of a gay condor and run it for president.
- Well, hello, darlin'.
- Hi.
What Saudi prince's rape dungeon did you finger-trowel your way out of? - Uh Jonah's rape dungeon? - Oh ho! In your face! All right, anyway, I have the pleasure of informing you, Congressman Slender Man - Mm-mm.
- AMY: Nope, beat you to it.
Oh, shit.
All right.
Our government has assigned you your very own Secret Service detail.
- Whoa, what? - Special Agent Youngblood! Youngblood? Oh, that's my favorite Rob Lowe movie.
Congressman Ryan, it's an honor.
Oh, yeah! This is like looking in a mirror.
- Yeah, a hot mirror.
- I'll be right outside, sir.
Chances are you're still likely to get assassinated, but the killer, may God guide his hand, will just have to work a little harder.
Hey, can I get some of that body armor? Sincerest congratulations on all your life choices, Amy.
- Thank you.
It pays quite well.
- Have a good weepy slide down the shower wall this evening.
We gotta go.
Will's got a full day ahead of him.
Tell 'em what you gotta do, Will.
I was hoping to finally finish my passion project.
- Which is? - Rerouting my urethra to behind my balls so that I have to sit to pee like a real girl.
- (cackling) - Goodbye, Amy, Jonah.
- JONAH: Bye, Will.
- Very nice to meet you, Mrs.
Ryan.
REPORTER: Mayor Splett, do you consider yourself a hero? - (overlapping chatter) - Sit your hawk asses down! Not you, Richard.
I'm gonna pick one of you minimum wage media monkeys to ask three pre-approved questions, pre-written by me, and she's gonna owe me for the rest of her life.
And yes, I said "she," and I don't mean you.
Well, I'd say I got here not a moment too soon.
- Because President Meyer fired you? - All right, look, Richard, we have an incredible opportunity here.
I mean, the entire country thinks that you're a hero.
Except for the 7-Eleven truthers.
They say that no Jewish people were working in the store that day, but there's no Jewish people in Lurlene, so Richard, you need a chief of staff that has real D.
C.
experience.
Mister Mayor, the lieutenant governor still wants to set up a time for your award ceremony.
Oh, Willa, this is Dan Egan, my new Chief of Staff.
- Sure.
- Ah, Dan, there's no easy way to say this, but, uh, given your reputation, there's no dipping your quill in the company ink.
- Copy that.
- I mean sex.
- Got it.
- By that, I mean Willa.
MIKE: I wouldn't be doing my job, Madam President, if I didn't ask the question that's on everybody's mind: Is that a new hairstyle? And your ex-husband Andrew is about to be indicted in the Southern District of New York.
Which is not a question, actually.
Well, what we really should be talking about is Senator Talbot's husband and the longstanding accusations against him.
- Oh.
Well, let's go with that one.
- GARY: Mm-hmm.
- That sounds juicy.
- Plus his tax evasion.
Wait, Senator Talbot's husband is cheating on his taxes? Well, that's what people are saying.
How is nobody looking into this? I mean, Why isn't the press covering this? Are they biased against you? Well, you said it, not me, but I also say it.
You know, it's getting so you can't believe anything the media says - about anyone's husband! - MIKE: Yeah! It's really a treat for me to come on a show that's fair and impartial.
- (chuckles) When does this air? - Well, it's streaming now.
Oh, I see.
And what time will that be? Now, you're going to lead off with a nod to the anti-vaccination movement.
Yeah, why go to the doctor and get a shot for something you don't even have? Yeah, I didn't get Clay vaccinated because it causes autism, and now he just has a little bit of autism.
Yeah, and when I was a kid, they said the best case scenario was I had autism.
- Fuckin' look at me now.
- Don't use that line up there.
Don't yell at him, 'cause loud noises make him flip out.
- Rick, there's a gun in the front row.
- What? Jonah? - Ha ha ha ha! Made you look! - PA: Ladies and gentlemen - You're on! - Wish me luck, meat shield.
- Jonah Ryan! - How you doin', Clearwater! Right.
If I could digress from my prepared remarks How would anyone know? I want to talk about my opponent, (mocking tone) President Selina Meyer.
- (all booing) - Has anybody noticed that she's been, like, 55 years old forever? Yeah, I mean, come on, she is totally lying about her age, right? MAN: Kill her! Yeah, I mean, sure, maybe.
I mean, how old are you really, Selina Meyer, huh? - CROWD: Yeah! - When are you from? When! Are! You! From?! When are you from? When are you from? When are you from? When are you from? They have an actual crowd there? What, are they giving away free Tommy Bahama dick cozies? Ma'am, this is not a big deal.
Just show 'em your birth certificate.
While we're at it, why don't we show 'em my estrogen patch prescription and a Polaroid of my stretch marks? You mean your wisdom stripes.
I have always been open and transparent about how old I am.
- Yeah, 55.
- I believe it's 53.
- Late 40s.
- You're all correct.
Well, look who cleans up nice.
Can I get a quick fiver, Madam P? Yeah.
Oh, Gary, that reminds me, I need to switch out my estrogen patch.
Mm.
Should I slip in a little swirl of progesterone for you? - You can surprise me.
- Yep.
Ohh - Ma'am, uh, you - Yeah.
It's fine.
They know everything.
Me so complicit.
Me go jail long time.
All right! The Houston Chronicle is reporting that Kemi voters have somehow got the idea that if they vote in the primaries, they're gonna get an IRS audit.
(laughing) (Selina chuckles) Keith, I don't want to know how you did that.
Well, Facebook'll walk you through it step by step.
You know what? Maybe it's best if you don't update us so much.
- But there is just one other matter.
- SELINA: OK.
Dissident poet Deng Dao has been arrested for Well, they'll figure it out after they shoot him.
What does that have to do with me? As the woman who freed Tibet, I'm guessing they'll want you to support them publicly.
OK, Keith, as much as I hate poetry, I'm not gonna do that.
Yeah, until this Washington Post thing blows over, we're gonna keep our wangs out of your Chinese fuckin' finger trap.
(laughs) Yeah, right.
All right, I'll tell them.
They insist on hearing bad news right away.
Fine.
Oh, uh, and if you talk to your ex, you might want to ask him about his business with China.
- What? - See what he says.
Is Andrew tied in with the Chinese? I-I don't know.
I mean, he's always had a thing for Asians.
So do I, but if Andrew starts talking to the grand jury about, you know, you and China This was supposed to be just a little simple bit of election-rigging! - Fuck! - (door opens, closes) (low) I have your estrogen patch, if you'd like.
You wear it.
Maybe you'll grow some hair on your vagina! Hmm.
MAN: March Wheelwright Medal of Bravery.
Mayor Richard Splett of Lurlene demonstrated remarkable heroism Look at that.
I'm telling you, Richard, this is just the beginning, all right? Oh Sidney Purcell.
Of all the mid-priced steakhouse chains in northeastern Iowa Oh, sorry.
Mayor Splett, this is Sidney Purcell.
He represents the very good people At Con-Ag-Chem Family Farms.
Ah, well, this man needs no introduction.
Please, the 7-Eleven mayor himself.
- Would you care to join us? - Yeah, I don't mind if I do.
That's a great idea.
I'm actually really glad that I happened to run into you.
There is a vote coming up in the state Senate - regarding pesticide regulations.
- That's right.
And there's an empty seat up there.
Do you know anything about pesticides? Not as much as I'd like.
That empty seat in the state Senate, it could be yours.
You know, down at the feed store they're saying your new seeds cause cancer.
Well, we've paid for seven studies that say that it doesn't.
- Seven? Wow.
- Yeah, seven.
Lucky sevens.
That's good enough for me.
Can't argue with science.
I'm gonna get some drinks.
You guys stay here, talk, get to know each other.
You know what I want, right, Dan? What do you want, Mayor? I want to read those reports.
I'm sorry, um, you look so familiar to me.
- Mmm.
- Did, uh, did we? (laughing) Oh, no! I'm an OB-GYN.
You brought a woman into my clinic to have her pregnancy terminated.
Could you be a little more specific? I'm actually worried she might have some sort of thyroid issue because of her eyes.
- Oh! Amy.
- Yeah, Amy.
Reminds me, I gotta Apple Pay her for my half.
Hey, can I buy ya a drink? You can buy me half a drink.
Oh.
(Selina laughing) KEMI (ON TV): This is insane! My husband has never done an illegal thing in his life In his entire life! (reporters clamoring) (laughing) When women fall apart, they really fuckin' fall apart! (laughing) Did you take the coconut out of my muesli - for tomorrow morning? - No.
No.
And you know what you need to do? You need to use tweezers this time because I really thought I could taste your fingers.
I'm sorry.
These, by the way, are completely hideous.
- Catherine ordered those.
- Oh.
- Ohh.
That's too much.
- It is.
- But thank you.
- What? - Good evening, Lee.
Got your message.
- OK, yeah.
Wow, I've been trying to track you down for days.
Hearing you say that really takes me back.
Ha! OK.
Out.
Excuse me.
I have work to do.
Are you really trying to cut a fucking deal here? - Well - I mean, my God, do you understand this could cost me the presidency, Andrew? - I had no choice.
- Oh, that's what you said about Catherine's freshman year roommate.
She had done a gap year abroad.
She was not a true freshman.
And now I'm hearing about you and the Chinese? That's funny, you're the third person who's asked me about that this week A U.
S.
attorney, a reporter from the Washington Post Since when are you doing business with them? Actually, you.
Your name is all over I should have really married that gay guy my mother liked.
A couple years ago, a few Beijing businessmen approached me, and they wanted the investment expertise of the former president's disbarred ex-husband.
No big deal.
And we cleaned a teeny-tiny bit of money through the Meyer Fund Low nine figures.
And that faith-based thing was a godsend.
Wait a minute.
You know Keith Quinn? I know him as Luther.
We met in Macao at the shark fights.
Do you want me to take the raisins out - Out! - Yep.
Mmm.
Yes! If we could find a fall guy Gary? Honestly, I don't think people are gonna buy that a guy who calls vaginas "crinkum-crankums" is gonna be able to pull off some sort of multimillion-dollar fraud.
- Come on.
- Well, it, uh it would absolutely destroy Catherine, but, um Marjorie? That's kinda perfect.
Besides: women's prison.
Yeah.
Wall-to-wall crinkum-crankum.
- JONAH: I'm not touching you.
- AMY: Oh, OK.
- I'm not touching you.
- AMY: Thank you for looking into that.
Jonah, we still need a copy of your birth certificate and the New Hampshire Vital Records office cannot find it, so Oh, yeah.
No, that makes sense, I was born in Toronto.
Toronto Canada? I don't know, just cancel the press conference.
Absolutely not! Do you have any idea how crazy all of this talk about Selina's age must be making her? We are turning the screws on that miserable, poultry-necked hag - (squeals) - Jesus, Amy.
God, is that what a real orgasm feels like? Ugh.
Do women have those? That's what I've been telling you.
All right, fine.
I'll call my mom.
Thank you.
Oh, and I should probably call Rick's mom too just because she's probably still pretty sore from last night - when I was all up in that - Puss-ay-ay-yay In that puss-ay-ay-yay In that puss-ay What are you gonna do about it? - Ohh! Ow! - (thud) SELINA: Marjorie? Love to talk to you for a second about the Meyer Fund.
There's something I'd like to speak with you about as well.
- Oh, OK.
Good.
- It's about Catherine.
I think you know I'm a very traditional woman, though I do seek to topple the patriarchy by queering hetero-normative tropes.
Are you talking about your outfit? As I was saying, I love your daughter very much.
I know that you do, Marjorie, um, Palmiotti, and I have to say that I love the work that you do on the Meyer Fund very much.
- Thank you, ma'am.
- Although I personally don't know anything about it because you're the complete mastermind behind it, right? I think I can see you nodding your head "yes" Are you recording this conversation, ma'am? That is a bizarre thing to say.
Well, the flowers have been moved, - and Andrew's phone.
- Um I refuse to allow you to implicate me in your financial misdeeds, ma'am.
They're not misdeeds.
They were exploited opportunities.
- Oh, there's my phone.
- Yeah, she found it.
I'll spare Catherine this shameful episode.
Despite the fact that you are two of the most reprehensible people I have ever met - Hang on a second.
- Where did that come from? Seriously.
by some magical combination of abuse and neglect managed to create the perfect daughter.
- Thank you very much.
- And that's why I would like to ask both of you for Catherine's hand in marriage.
- Oh! - Whoa! - Wow.
- You You have our blessing.
- You have our blessing.
Absolutely.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- Can I ask you a question, Marjorie? - Of course, ma'am.
- Why would you buy that cow? Oh.
When I can get the milk for free.
Very good, ma'am.
- What? - I'm leaving now.
For the record.
It's I'm not Ohh, God.
- Lee? - Mm? I honestly never thought it would come to this, but I have had a suitcase packed and ready to go by the door for the last 20 years.
- What? - I still have Mee-Maw's boat.
- The Labor Day? - Mm-hmm.
You told me it sank.
I told you I reported it sunk to insurance.
And I could take it down to Cuba, and from there, you know I've long felt a deep connection with the land of Israel and their non-extradition treaty.
You can't just disappear, and I can't have people thinking I'm Jewish.
We're right in the middle of the primaries.
It's the best thing for both of us.
The only thing they have on you is me.
Well, that's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me.
But I'm gonna need some walkin'-around money.
Here we go.
What I mean, how far do you have to walk? Fuck! I mean, can you give me 24 hours? Yeah.
Yes.
(sighs) I guess this is goodbye.
I guess so.
Well good-bye.
Hey, Andrew.
What are you doing? Oh, yeah, I should probably go out the back door.
Yeah.
Your false accusations are working, ma'am.
Oh.
Then they're no longer false.
Basically a two-woman race to see who is less offensive to the American people.
That's the best explanation of democracy I've ever heard.
Also, they found Rosa Sanchez in El Salvador.
- Who? - The fake real woman from your speech? Just in the nick of time.
She was about to be stoned by the local child army.
OK, guys, um last night I don't like when people feel they have to get closer to talk to me.
It usually means I'm gonna be facing a longer prison sentence.
- I saw Andrew - The prosecution rests.
We talked about a trip he might take out of the country I will add tampering to our list of charges.
But if we were able to give him a going-away gift, uh, he might be able to turn it into a stay-cation.
- And bribery.
- Gary? Yes, here.
How much is left in that whole faith-space KENT: Faith-based.
I spent it all on Bibles for the homeless.
You spent millions Yes, yes, I did.
on leather-bound hobo toilet paper.
Mmm.
I hope they don't use the New Testament for that.
I need to speak with Keith Quinn.
- Did I do something wrong? - Go.
Ma'am, not Keith Quinn.
Yes.
What, do you have a better idea? - Yes, not Keith Quinn.
- No.
Go.
- Ma'am, it's time.
- Oh, OK.
It's (clears throat) I was an alcoholic, I was in a relationship with a blonde, uncaring bug-eyed rage-aholic.
I used to work with someone just like that.
Oh, my gosh, folks, our best friend of the show, President Selina Meyer, is on the line calling us today.
SELINA: Hello, Mike? How are you? MIKE: Great.
Hope you got the invite for the baby shower.
What's going on with this chair? It's too low.
HINT: We could still use the changing table, or bye-bye ping pong.
Oh, that's actually a cute name.
Are you gonna keep that? - Morning! - Shh! I'm calling because I wanted to talk to you about Senator Talbot's husband.
I have been hearing from hardworking American people from all walks of life that what he's into is way beyond tax fraud.
(whispering) I need some help for me ex from your friends in the East.
Oh, I thought we were putting our little arrangement on the back burner? Madam President, Senator Talbot has just released a statement.
I'm gonna read it so I get it right.
You are simply attacking her family to distract from your own problems, - and that you are the one - Guess what? Mike, I have a special announcement.
My daughter Catherine is getting married to her lady friend Marjorie.
That's amazing! Isn't that great, buddy? Well, the Bible is actually very clear SELINA: But now I have to run.
It's been such fun talking with you, and I'm sure we'll connect later.
So Andrew? - I'll take care of it.
- OK.
- Any date for the wedding? - Huh? - Any date for the wedding? - Oh, who gives a shit.
RICHARD: This has been a very difficult decision, but, no, I will not be running for state Senate.
There's just so many things I still want to do for the good people here in Lurlene, like my own pet issue, which, as many of you know, is pet issues.
And I certainly hope I'm not letting anyone down, especially my new friend Sidney.
Are you referring to Sidney Purcell, the Con-Ag-Chem Fam Farm lobbyist? I'm so sorry.
We don't have any time for more questions.
Actually, Dan, that did sound like a question.
Yes, Sidney Purcell, super generous guy, offered me all sorts of great stuff, like brand-new kitchen appliances or a brand-new hot tub like the lieutenant governor has.
We have a schedule to keep But I'm not supposed to talk about that, right, Dan? Mayor Splett, are you saying that Con-Ag-Chem made you an offer to run for office? No, that's not what he said.
He didn't say that.
- No, no, no, Dan is right.
- DAN: Thank you.
Sidney made the offer.
Con-Ag-Chem is a company, it can't talk.
Hilarious.
A talking company.
Where would the mouth even be? BEN: Ma'am, the press is out there waiting for you.
Rosa is gonna spend the night here in Boston.
No mini-bar key.
This sit-down's gonna give us a nice little boost for the Latino vote.
- All right.
- KENT: Hold up.
Ma'am, I'm sorry, there's no easy way to tell you this.
- Oh.
- Your mother's boat, the Labor Day, exploded off the coast of Florida this afternoon.
Andrew was the only person aboard.
No, uh-uh.
'Cause he was going to Cuba.
A lledgedly.
Ma'am, maybe we can just, uh, cancel this this Rosa thing.
No! The Latino vote, Ben.
I'm so sorry.
He was my ex-husband.
(indistinct chatter) (soft chuckle) Hello.
Oh, wow.
Rosa.
Oh, my good friend.
That's not Rosa.
N Oh? Oh! (laughs) There she is.
(laughs) - That must be your mother.
- My sister.
Your si sister.
OK.
SELINA: Familia.
Rosa you have had quite a journey.
They put me on a plane and sent me to Mexico.
That's a terrible place.
I did nothing wrong.
No, well, I did nothing wrong.
I'm I'm just trying to run for president here.
You don't know how lucky you have it, really, to tell you the truth.
I mean, the next thing ya know, everything can change, it just goes (imitates explosion) like that, right? - ROSA: Mm.
- And And then OK, I think we need to wrap this up here.
- Oh.
- We got a busy schedule.
I just want to say thank you, - President Montez.
- Sure, why not.
- ROSA: God bless you.
- Madam President, quick question - (indistinct chatter) - SELINA: I want to be alone.
(breathing heavily) Mom, I can't believe that you ruined Marjorie's proposal all over the internet.
Catherine, I have just gotten some terrible news about your father, uh, being lost at sea, and you are up my ass about some proposal bullshit? - For real? - Too late, Catherine.
Too late.
- (knocking) - KEITH: Hey, now, you're not a grilled chicken Caesar and a Miller Lite.
- I need to talk to you.
- Sure.
I'm all ears, milady.
- Was it you? - Excuse me? Andrew is blown up.
Did you do that? Did you fucking do that?! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! I have no idea what you're talking about, Madame President, but you did say to take care of it.
No, I didn't.
I said for you to pay him off.
I distinctly remember you saying "Take care of it.
" OK, sure, but I didn't I didn't say it in a "take care of it" kind of way.
I just said take care of it.
And it was pretty clear.
You said, "Take care of it," and then you gave me a look.
Not a "blow him to kingdom-fucking-come" look! No, no, no.
Listen, your eyebrows did not move at all.
Because I have had Botox! I abhor violence of any type.
- Ye Yes.
- OK? But I have seen plenty of "blow him up" looks.
Oh, I'm sorry.
(crying) - OK.
- (weeping) - Oh.
- Oh, my God.
Let me get you some tissues.
- (crying) OK.
- OK? Yeah.
(sobbing) (gasps) I'm going back to my room.
KEITH: Oh, OK, OK.
(crying) It's OK, Catherine.
Catherine, Mommy's here.
- (sobbing) - Mommy's here.
OK, Mommy has to go.
- Mommy has to go.
- What? It's all right, Catherine, Mommy's here.
What do you think it says? I don't read Mandarin, ma'am.
When do the new Kents come out? Do we have any friends at State? We have to find someone who can read Mandarin but have no idea what it means.
Like a brain-damaged Chinaman.
- Or woman.
- Or woman.
Sorry.
Or the adopted child of someone with brain damage.
AMY: You know what would help sell this birth certificate presser is actually finding the fucking birth certificate! Yeah, I know! God, Mom! Don't you have a file marked "Important Shit" that has baby teeth in it and my VHS copy of "Night Eyes II" starring Shannon Tweed? Yes, and that's the first place I looked.
- What's that? - There it is! OK, Jonie, we really need to talk.
Mom, we don't have time to talk.
America is waiting for my leadership.
Oh, excuse me, I think I'm gonna be sick.
Uh-oh, I think I know what that's about.
(indistinct chatter) Agent Youngblood.
You know, I think you're doin' a great job, sir.
I have repeatedly called for Selina Meyer to release her birth certificate, but as everybody on my elementary school playground knows, I am not afraid to show you mine.
In fact, here it is.
This is my birth certificate.
Name: Jonah Joy Ryan.
Weight: six pounds.
Length: twenty-six inches.
Yeah, that's right, twenty-six inches.
Mother: Nancy Kincannon.
Father Excuse me.
(crowd murmuring) BETH: Jonah.
Now it's your turn, Selina Meyer.
Lloyd is my real dad? Oh, of course he is.
I tried to tell you a hundred times, Jonie.
Do you want a snack? No.
I'm not talking to y Fine.
Mac and cheese.
- NANCY: OK.
- I can't believe this.
And ketchup.
That's why we went to Canada.
We didn't tell anyone because Lloyd and I are second cousins.
- BETH: Ohh.
- God, Mom, that is vomitrocious.
I could have been born with something wrong with me.
You know what? I never thought that this would be a problem, then the two of you eloped so I just decided not to think about it 'cause that's the best solution sometimes.
- Wait, is Lloyd still my dad? - Yeah, nobody knows.
But you're now officially my stepsister.
Half sister.
I'm sorry, I think I'm gonna be sick again.
(microwave beeps) Mac and cheese is ready.
Do you have any apple slices? Anything you want, honey.
I want Lloyd to not be my dad! Me too.
MIKE: Ma'am, you said - you weren't gonna be here.
- Surprise! Do you want to meet baby Henry? He's so cute.
Yes, but often, when a child gets a new baby brother, they can feel neglected and And low self-esteem.
- Catherine, for one.
- Well, yes, exactly.
And she didn't even have a baby brother.
So I actually feel the same way, too, as a dad, sometimes.
So I think I should probably go and see Ellen right now.
Sure.
Does anybody want to meet baby Henry? No.
SELINA: Hi, Ellen.
I'm your Auntie Selina, and this is Uncle Bennie, - and this is - Chief Strategist Kent Davison.
- How do you do? - Hi.
Honey, can you do me a favor? You know what, I've got this piece of paper.
(playful tone) I don't know what it says.
I think maybe it's in Mandarin.
- Did you bring me a present? - It's in the car.
Cool.
Let's see I just talked to my guy in the Southern District.
They're dropping the investigation into the Meyer Fund.
- No! - Without Andrew, the whole thing just blew up.
(chuckles) Sorry.
Well, what are ya gonna do? Also, the Post is spiking its election interference story.
- (all laughing) - Oh, my God! What?! Is this what it feels like to be a man? - Who is Mon-tiz-uh? - What? Mon-tiz-uh? - Montez.
- Wait a minute.
Let me Let me see what you wrote.
"By giving Meyer the nomination, they can ensure a Montez presidency"? I want to be president when I grow up.
- You cannot.
- SELINA: Goddamnit! We can't even commit treason right?! - What about my present? - Uh, I'm giving it to your brother.
More than a dozen Iowa government officials are in hot water.
The lieutenant governor, along with several state senators, have all been arrested for accepting improper campaign contributions from Con-Ag-Chem Family Farms.
Bye-bye, Sidney.
Dan, I'm glad you're here.
Uh, the governor called.
He wants me to resign as mayor, effective immediately.
What? You didn't do anything wrong! That's what he said.
He's appointing me the new lieutenant governor.
(claps) Yes.
Richard, that is what I'm talkin' about.
You see? Stick with me, right? Oh.
Now that we're moving to Des Moines, Willa is fair game and DTF Diverticulitis flare-up.
So if you go out to eat, she can only have rice.
Good to know.
Thank you.
SELINA: I've got way more foreign policy experience than that half-wit Kemi.
I think it's pronounced half-white.
Am I getting my meeting with President Lu? Face to face, I can convince anyone of anything.
- That's not true.
- Incorrect.
- You're both wrong.
- Well you're right.
Hundred-fourteen million wired from the Seychelles to Malta, then back to the Seychelles and then Spain.
(laughs nervously) That is highly classified.
I'm sorry Selina, you have left me with no choice.
(mutters softly) - Ha! - That was your phone.
Oh my God.
Mayor Splett, how does it feel to be the hero of 7-Eleven? Oh, I'm no hero.
I'm just a mayor.
I happen to consult for a number of very large clients in Asia, and they were very, very impressed and delighted - by your sermon.
- (Selina chuckles) Ma'am, you wanna see this.
REPORTER: Poll watchers are reporting that over 48,000 black voters were turned away.
I think the Chinese just delivered.
Oh, uh, I need an itinerary.
Itineraries are only for people who work on the campaign.
Wait, I'm fired? I believe her words were, "If I need another Washington douche, I'll go to the M Street Rite-Aid.
" The latest Super Tuesdays polls are in.
- Oh.
- You're up three in Texas.
- Eight in North Carolina.
- Ooh! - Up two in Massachusetts.
- Nice! Then we fly back to Virginia tonight, pop into Alabama on the way, and then a quick stop in Oklahoma City for an hour-and-a-half rally.
That's an hour and 29 minutes too long in that former Indian concentration camp.
BEN: Looks like Kemi's got full protection from the Secret Service.
What kind of affirmative action bullshit is that? Here's your speech, ma'am.
I dumbed it down even more.
Good, 'cause the last one looked like the toilet bowl after William F.
Buckley ate a thesaurus.
Kemi has been getting some death threats.
Well, then we should leak some of my death threats, OK? I get some, don't I? - KENT: Oh, yeah.
- GARY: So many.
Here's a couple that came in while you were on the plane.
"I'm gonna break your fat arms and strangle you" Wait.
I don't have fat arms.
That's just criminally insane And regular insane.
- Pick another one.
A plausible one.
- GARY: Yeah.
LEON: "Someone should put a bullet in your shriveled old face.
" No! Just make up some death threats that are nicer.
OK, I'll come up with a dozen.
Wait a minute.
Before I go onstage, where are we now? - I wanna say the South? - Uh Well - Gary, go find out where we are.
- GARY: Yeah.
LEON: Ma'am, there is a small change to the speech.
We no longer use the Rosa story.
What are you talking about?! - It kills every time.
Tears! - I know.
Rosa was deported this morning.
They identified her from details in your speech.
Well, that's impossible, because I made her up.
Well, no, actually, ma'am, there's a Rosa Sanchez in Tennessee who has four kids and the exact same dead-end jobs.
Oh, my God, you conjured her! Yeah, right out of my Stephen Glass-hole.
- Oklahoma City! - REPORTERS: Madam President! Any comment that a federal grand jury in New York is getting ready to indict your husband, Andrew Meyer? - He's my ex-husband.
- Can you respond to a rumor that he's hired a new legal team and is making a deal with prosecutors? I can't hear you, so you're gonna have to repeat that.
You have to repeat it.
That can only mean one thing, ma'am.
Andrew's gonna flip on you.
Goddamnit! Tell my attorney to meet me in the next filler state we're in.
'Cause last I heard, you can't run for office - and be in prison.
- BEN: Maybe in the House you can.
BEN: Ma'am, this Andrew thing is everywhere.
Your unfavorables are rising past "accidental ethnic slur" - right into "men's room incident.
" - Oh, God.
- SELINA: Catherine? OK.
- MARJORIE: Oh.
Shh.
This is the face of clinical depression, ma'am.
With the hair of a mental patient.
Oh, my kingdom for a beret.
Listen, honey, um, Daddy is in hiding again and I know he calls you to borrow money sometimes Fight your own battles, Mother, OK? I'm really struggling right now.
SELINA: OK, you know what, if anyone should be depressed, it's me, but I am stable as fuck.
(laughs) Yeah, you are! Your lawyer's waiting.
Karen! - Madam President! - Oh, I'm glad to see you.
- You too.
- Andrew might be cutting a deal, which would just destroy me.
I have to stop you there, ma'am.
Andrew has hired me as his new attorney.
Oh Thank God.
So you can talk him out of this deal, right? But it's a very good deal.
For him.
- Karen - (laughs) you understand that when I am elected president again, I can issue Andrew a full pardon.
- Right? - I wish you hadn't told me that.
And yet I'm also glad that you did.
I might be able to use it against you.
I wouldn't unless I have to.
Well, this has been a dry fuck on a sandy beach.
It's always a pleasure to see you as well.
Sure.
OK, well, listen, will you tell Andrew that I'm gonna be in New York on Friday? So he can just come and talk to me directly.
I can't advise my client to do that, but I might.
Ohh God.
Any luck with the human Mobius strip? Andrew's cutting a deal.
I could go to jail.
I don't look good in jumpsuits.
I mean, I do, but I don't.
Ya know.
- (knock on door) - What? Ma'am, we've got incoming.
I've got a buddy at WaPo who's working on a story about South Carolina and possible foreign election interference.
OK, first of all, call it the Washington Post like a non-asshole, and I don't know anything about foreign interference, and stop staring at me like I'm some sort of teenage runaway that you just strangled.
Yes, ma'am.
Oh, my God.
First Andrew, and now this Washington Post Chinese thing? I mean, my God, this is like having two different Senators with their hands up my skirt.
Which actually happened to me once during a Supreme Court confirmation.
Without going into any legally incriminating detail, ma'am, how deep are you? Keith Quinn is working with the Chinese.
Wait, so Quinn is the in-house Chinese asset? Yeah.
- I thought it was Kent.
- I assumed it was you.
What's our play moving forward here? The Joseph Goebbels playbook.
Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty.
Steal from the best.
You need to get rid of that Chinese money, ma'am.
Gary? Just book me on the friendliest news show possible.
Copy that.
Mike it is.
OK, Gary, you need to spend every dime in the space-based - Faith-based.
- Mm-hmm.
On religious shit.
- ASAP.
- I don't know how to do that.
I don't even know how it got there.
Just give it to one of those gay-converting Baptist colleges to fund a statue of a gold-plated Jesus - fucking a triceratops.
- Wow.
AMY: All right, Congressman Slender Man.
Don't say his name.
Now that Florida has moved its primary to Super Tuesday, we are going to stay here and focus all of our efforts.
No, I told Beth that we could go to Arkansas so she could give me a hand job in a hot spring.
It's my birthday.
Your particular brand of crazy is polling very high here in Florida, especially with melanoma-loving swamp fuckers, storm-ravaged climate deniers, and deadbeat dads and deadbeat moms.
Those are my peeps.
So we are launching a brand-new fundraising initiative: Next month, donate $38 for Jonah Ryan's 38th birthday.
Thirty-eight dollars? That's like a shitty gift that you get from your asshole grandmother.
If Selina Meyer did this, she'd get, like, a thousand dollars because she's, like, a thousand years old.
Selina would kill to be 38.
She's been lying about her age for years.
- Whatever.
I'd still do her.
- I'm down to clown.
Holy shit, Bruckheimer, when you get an abortion, you're supposed to leave the mangled fetus at the clinic, not staple it to the skeleton of a gay condor and run it for president.
- Well, hello, darlin'.
- Hi.
What Saudi prince's rape dungeon did you finger-trowel your way out of? - Uh Jonah's rape dungeon? - Oh ho! In your face! All right, anyway, I have the pleasure of informing you, Congressman Slender Man - Mm-mm.
- AMY: Nope, beat you to it.
Oh, shit.
All right.
Our government has assigned you your very own Secret Service detail.
- Whoa, what? - Special Agent Youngblood! Youngblood? Oh, that's my favorite Rob Lowe movie.
Congressman Ryan, it's an honor.
Oh, yeah! This is like looking in a mirror.
- Yeah, a hot mirror.
- I'll be right outside, sir.
Chances are you're still likely to get assassinated, but the killer, may God guide his hand, will just have to work a little harder.
Hey, can I get some of that body armor? Sincerest congratulations on all your life choices, Amy.
- Thank you.
It pays quite well.
- Have a good weepy slide down the shower wall this evening.
We gotta go.
Will's got a full day ahead of him.
Tell 'em what you gotta do, Will.
I was hoping to finally finish my passion project.
- Which is? - Rerouting my urethra to behind my balls so that I have to sit to pee like a real girl.
- (cackling) - Goodbye, Amy, Jonah.
- JONAH: Bye, Will.
- Very nice to meet you, Mrs.
Ryan.
REPORTER: Mayor Splett, do you consider yourself a hero? - (overlapping chatter) - Sit your hawk asses down! Not you, Richard.
I'm gonna pick one of you minimum wage media monkeys to ask three pre-approved questions, pre-written by me, and she's gonna owe me for the rest of her life.
And yes, I said "she," and I don't mean you.
Well, I'd say I got here not a moment too soon.
- Because President Meyer fired you? - All right, look, Richard, we have an incredible opportunity here.
I mean, the entire country thinks that you're a hero.
Except for the 7-Eleven truthers.
They say that no Jewish people were working in the store that day, but there's no Jewish people in Lurlene, so Richard, you need a chief of staff that has real D.
C.
experience.
Mister Mayor, the lieutenant governor still wants to set up a time for your award ceremony.
Oh, Willa, this is Dan Egan, my new Chief of Staff.
- Sure.
- Ah, Dan, there's no easy way to say this, but, uh, given your reputation, there's no dipping your quill in the company ink.
- Copy that.
- I mean sex.
- Got it.
- By that, I mean Willa.
MIKE: I wouldn't be doing my job, Madam President, if I didn't ask the question that's on everybody's mind: Is that a new hairstyle? And your ex-husband Andrew is about to be indicted in the Southern District of New York.
Which is not a question, actually.
Well, what we really should be talking about is Senator Talbot's husband and the longstanding accusations against him.
- Oh.
Well, let's go with that one.
- GARY: Mm-hmm.
- That sounds juicy.
- Plus his tax evasion.
Wait, Senator Talbot's husband is cheating on his taxes? Well, that's what people are saying.
How is nobody looking into this? I mean, Why isn't the press covering this? Are they biased against you? Well, you said it, not me, but I also say it.
You know, it's getting so you can't believe anything the media says - about anyone's husband! - MIKE: Yeah! It's really a treat for me to come on a show that's fair and impartial.
- (chuckles) When does this air? - Well, it's streaming now.
Oh, I see.
And what time will that be? Now, you're going to lead off with a nod to the anti-vaccination movement.
Yeah, why go to the doctor and get a shot for something you don't even have? Yeah, I didn't get Clay vaccinated because it causes autism, and now he just has a little bit of autism.
Yeah, and when I was a kid, they said the best case scenario was I had autism.
- Fuckin' look at me now.
- Don't use that line up there.
Don't yell at him, 'cause loud noises make him flip out.
- Rick, there's a gun in the front row.
- What? Jonah? - Ha ha ha ha! Made you look! - PA: Ladies and gentlemen - You're on! - Wish me luck, meat shield.
- Jonah Ryan! - How you doin', Clearwater! Right.
If I could digress from my prepared remarks How would anyone know? I want to talk about my opponent, (mocking tone) President Selina Meyer.
- (all booing) - Has anybody noticed that she's been, like, 55 years old forever? Yeah, I mean, come on, she is totally lying about her age, right? MAN: Kill her! Yeah, I mean, sure, maybe.
I mean, how old are you really, Selina Meyer, huh? - CROWD: Yeah! - When are you from? When! Are! You! From?! When are you from? When are you from? When are you from? When are you from? They have an actual crowd there? What, are they giving away free Tommy Bahama dick cozies? Ma'am, this is not a big deal.
Just show 'em your birth certificate.
While we're at it, why don't we show 'em my estrogen patch prescription and a Polaroid of my stretch marks? You mean your wisdom stripes.
I have always been open and transparent about how old I am.
- Yeah, 55.
- I believe it's 53.
- Late 40s.
- You're all correct.
Well, look who cleans up nice.
Can I get a quick fiver, Madam P? Yeah.
Oh, Gary, that reminds me, I need to switch out my estrogen patch.
Mm.
Should I slip in a little swirl of progesterone for you? - You can surprise me.
- Yep.
Ohh - Ma'am, uh, you - Yeah.
It's fine.
They know everything.
Me so complicit.
Me go jail long time.
All right! The Houston Chronicle is reporting that Kemi voters have somehow got the idea that if they vote in the primaries, they're gonna get an IRS audit.
(laughing) (Selina chuckles) Keith, I don't want to know how you did that.
Well, Facebook'll walk you through it step by step.
You know what? Maybe it's best if you don't update us so much.
- But there is just one other matter.
- SELINA: OK.
Dissident poet Deng Dao has been arrested for Well, they'll figure it out after they shoot him.
What does that have to do with me? As the woman who freed Tibet, I'm guessing they'll want you to support them publicly.
OK, Keith, as much as I hate poetry, I'm not gonna do that.
Yeah, until this Washington Post thing blows over, we're gonna keep our wangs out of your Chinese fuckin' finger trap.
(laughs) Yeah, right.
All right, I'll tell them.
They insist on hearing bad news right away.
Fine.
Oh, uh, and if you talk to your ex, you might want to ask him about his business with China.
- What? - See what he says.
Is Andrew tied in with the Chinese? I-I don't know.
I mean, he's always had a thing for Asians.
So do I, but if Andrew starts talking to the grand jury about, you know, you and China This was supposed to be just a little simple bit of election-rigging! - Fuck! - (door opens, closes) (low) I have your estrogen patch, if you'd like.
You wear it.
Maybe you'll grow some hair on your vagina! Hmm.
MAN: March Wheelwright Medal of Bravery.
Mayor Richard Splett of Lurlene demonstrated remarkable heroism Look at that.
I'm telling you, Richard, this is just the beginning, all right? Oh Sidney Purcell.
Of all the mid-priced steakhouse chains in northeastern Iowa Oh, sorry.
Mayor Splett, this is Sidney Purcell.
He represents the very good people At Con-Ag-Chem Family Farms.
Ah, well, this man needs no introduction.
Please, the 7-Eleven mayor himself.
- Would you care to join us? - Yeah, I don't mind if I do.
That's a great idea.
I'm actually really glad that I happened to run into you.
There is a vote coming up in the state Senate - regarding pesticide regulations.
- That's right.
And there's an empty seat up there.
Do you know anything about pesticides? Not as much as I'd like.
That empty seat in the state Senate, it could be yours.
You know, down at the feed store they're saying your new seeds cause cancer.
Well, we've paid for seven studies that say that it doesn't.
- Seven? Wow.
- Yeah, seven.
Lucky sevens.
That's good enough for me.
Can't argue with science.
I'm gonna get some drinks.
You guys stay here, talk, get to know each other.
You know what I want, right, Dan? What do you want, Mayor? I want to read those reports.
I'm sorry, um, you look so familiar to me.
- Mmm.
- Did, uh, did we? (laughing) Oh, no! I'm an OB-GYN.
You brought a woman into my clinic to have her pregnancy terminated.
Could you be a little more specific? I'm actually worried she might have some sort of thyroid issue because of her eyes.
- Oh! Amy.
- Yeah, Amy.
Reminds me, I gotta Apple Pay her for my half.
Hey, can I buy ya a drink? You can buy me half a drink.
Oh.
(Selina laughing) KEMI (ON TV): This is insane! My husband has never done an illegal thing in his life In his entire life! (reporters clamoring) (laughing) When women fall apart, they really fuckin' fall apart! (laughing) Did you take the coconut out of my muesli - for tomorrow morning? - No.
No.
And you know what you need to do? You need to use tweezers this time because I really thought I could taste your fingers.
I'm sorry.
These, by the way, are completely hideous.
- Catherine ordered those.
- Oh.
- Ohh.
That's too much.
- It is.
- But thank you.
- What? - Good evening, Lee.
Got your message.
- OK, yeah.
Wow, I've been trying to track you down for days.
Hearing you say that really takes me back.
Ha! OK.
Out.
Excuse me.
I have work to do.
Are you really trying to cut a fucking deal here? - Well - I mean, my God, do you understand this could cost me the presidency, Andrew? - I had no choice.
- Oh, that's what you said about Catherine's freshman year roommate.
She had done a gap year abroad.
She was not a true freshman.
And now I'm hearing about you and the Chinese? That's funny, you're the third person who's asked me about that this week A U.
S.
attorney, a reporter from the Washington Post Since when are you doing business with them? Actually, you.
Your name is all over I should have really married that gay guy my mother liked.
A couple years ago, a few Beijing businessmen approached me, and they wanted the investment expertise of the former president's disbarred ex-husband.
No big deal.
And we cleaned a teeny-tiny bit of money through the Meyer Fund Low nine figures.
And that faith-based thing was a godsend.
Wait a minute.
You know Keith Quinn? I know him as Luther.
We met in Macao at the shark fights.
Do you want me to take the raisins out - Out! - Yep.
Mmm.
Yes! If we could find a fall guy Gary? Honestly, I don't think people are gonna buy that a guy who calls vaginas "crinkum-crankums" is gonna be able to pull off some sort of multimillion-dollar fraud.
- Come on.
- Well, it, uh it would absolutely destroy Catherine, but, um Marjorie? That's kinda perfect.
Besides: women's prison.
Yeah.
Wall-to-wall crinkum-crankum.
- JONAH: I'm not touching you.
- AMY: Oh, OK.
- I'm not touching you.
- AMY: Thank you for looking into that.
Jonah, we still need a copy of your birth certificate and the New Hampshire Vital Records office cannot find it, so Oh, yeah.
No, that makes sense, I was born in Toronto.
Toronto Canada? I don't know, just cancel the press conference.
Absolutely not! Do you have any idea how crazy all of this talk about Selina's age must be making her? We are turning the screws on that miserable, poultry-necked hag - (squeals) - Jesus, Amy.
God, is that what a real orgasm feels like? Ugh.
Do women have those? That's what I've been telling you.
All right, fine.
I'll call my mom.
Thank you.
Oh, and I should probably call Rick's mom too just because she's probably still pretty sore from last night - when I was all up in that - Puss-ay-ay-yay In that puss-ay-ay-yay In that puss-ay What are you gonna do about it? - Ohh! Ow! - (thud) SELINA: Marjorie? Love to talk to you for a second about the Meyer Fund.
There's something I'd like to speak with you about as well.
- Oh, OK.
Good.
- It's about Catherine.
I think you know I'm a very traditional woman, though I do seek to topple the patriarchy by queering hetero-normative tropes.
Are you talking about your outfit? As I was saying, I love your daughter very much.
I know that you do, Marjorie, um, Palmiotti, and I have to say that I love the work that you do on the Meyer Fund very much.
- Thank you, ma'am.
- Although I personally don't know anything about it because you're the complete mastermind behind it, right? I think I can see you nodding your head "yes" Are you recording this conversation, ma'am? That is a bizarre thing to say.
Well, the flowers have been moved, - and Andrew's phone.
- Um I refuse to allow you to implicate me in your financial misdeeds, ma'am.
They're not misdeeds.
They were exploited opportunities.
- Oh, there's my phone.
- Yeah, she found it.
I'll spare Catherine this shameful episode.
Despite the fact that you are two of the most reprehensible people I have ever met - Hang on a second.
- Where did that come from? Seriously.
by some magical combination of abuse and neglect managed to create the perfect daughter.
- Thank you very much.
- And that's why I would like to ask both of you for Catherine's hand in marriage.
- Oh! - Whoa! - Wow.
- You You have our blessing.
- You have our blessing.
Absolutely.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- Can I ask you a question, Marjorie? - Of course, ma'am.
- Why would you buy that cow? Oh.
When I can get the milk for free.
Very good, ma'am.
- What? - I'm leaving now.
For the record.
It's I'm not Ohh, God.
- Lee? - Mm? I honestly never thought it would come to this, but I have had a suitcase packed and ready to go by the door for the last 20 years.
- What? - I still have Mee-Maw's boat.
- The Labor Day? - Mm-hmm.
You told me it sank.
I told you I reported it sunk to insurance.
And I could take it down to Cuba, and from there, you know I've long felt a deep connection with the land of Israel and their non-extradition treaty.
You can't just disappear, and I can't have people thinking I'm Jewish.
We're right in the middle of the primaries.
It's the best thing for both of us.
The only thing they have on you is me.
Well, that's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me.
But I'm gonna need some walkin'-around money.
Here we go.
What I mean, how far do you have to walk? Fuck! I mean, can you give me 24 hours? Yeah.
Yes.
(sighs) I guess this is goodbye.
I guess so.
Well good-bye.
Hey, Andrew.
What are you doing? Oh, yeah, I should probably go out the back door.
Yeah.
Your false accusations are working, ma'am.
Oh.
Then they're no longer false.
Basically a two-woman race to see who is less offensive to the American people.
That's the best explanation of democracy I've ever heard.
Also, they found Rosa Sanchez in El Salvador.
- Who? - The fake real woman from your speech? Just in the nick of time.
She was about to be stoned by the local child army.
OK, guys, um last night I don't like when people feel they have to get closer to talk to me.
It usually means I'm gonna be facing a longer prison sentence.
- I saw Andrew - The prosecution rests.
We talked about a trip he might take out of the country I will add tampering to our list of charges.
But if we were able to give him a going-away gift, uh, he might be able to turn it into a stay-cation.
- And bribery.
- Gary? Yes, here.
How much is left in that whole faith-space KENT: Faith-based.
I spent it all on Bibles for the homeless.
You spent millions Yes, yes, I did.
on leather-bound hobo toilet paper.
Mmm.
I hope they don't use the New Testament for that.
I need to speak with Keith Quinn.
- Did I do something wrong? - Go.
Ma'am, not Keith Quinn.
Yes.
What, do you have a better idea? - Yes, not Keith Quinn.
- No.
Go.
- Ma'am, it's time.
- Oh, OK.
It's (clears throat) I was an alcoholic, I was in a relationship with a blonde, uncaring bug-eyed rage-aholic.
I used to work with someone just like that.
Oh, my gosh, folks, our best friend of the show, President Selina Meyer, is on the line calling us today.
SELINA: Hello, Mike? How are you? MIKE: Great.
Hope you got the invite for the baby shower.
What's going on with this chair? It's too low.
HINT: We could still use the changing table, or bye-bye ping pong.
Oh, that's actually a cute name.
Are you gonna keep that? - Morning! - Shh! I'm calling because I wanted to talk to you about Senator Talbot's husband.
I have been hearing from hardworking American people from all walks of life that what he's into is way beyond tax fraud.
(whispering) I need some help for me ex from your friends in the East.
Oh, I thought we were putting our little arrangement on the back burner? Madam President, Senator Talbot has just released a statement.
I'm gonna read it so I get it right.
You are simply attacking her family to distract from your own problems, - and that you are the one - Guess what? Mike, I have a special announcement.
My daughter Catherine is getting married to her lady friend Marjorie.
That's amazing! Isn't that great, buddy? Well, the Bible is actually very clear SELINA: But now I have to run.
It's been such fun talking with you, and I'm sure we'll connect later.
So Andrew? - I'll take care of it.
- OK.
- Any date for the wedding? - Huh? - Any date for the wedding? - Oh, who gives a shit.
RICHARD: This has been a very difficult decision, but, no, I will not be running for state Senate.
There's just so many things I still want to do for the good people here in Lurlene, like my own pet issue, which, as many of you know, is pet issues.
And I certainly hope I'm not letting anyone down, especially my new friend Sidney.
Are you referring to Sidney Purcell, the Con-Ag-Chem Fam Farm lobbyist? I'm so sorry.
We don't have any time for more questions.
Actually, Dan, that did sound like a question.
Yes, Sidney Purcell, super generous guy, offered me all sorts of great stuff, like brand-new kitchen appliances or a brand-new hot tub like the lieutenant governor has.
We have a schedule to keep But I'm not supposed to talk about that, right, Dan? Mayor Splett, are you saying that Con-Ag-Chem made you an offer to run for office? No, that's not what he said.
He didn't say that.
- No, no, no, Dan is right.
- DAN: Thank you.
Sidney made the offer.
Con-Ag-Chem is a company, it can't talk.
Hilarious.
A talking company.
Where would the mouth even be? BEN: Ma'am, the press is out there waiting for you.
Rosa is gonna spend the night here in Boston.
No mini-bar key.
This sit-down's gonna give us a nice little boost for the Latino vote.
- All right.
- KENT: Hold up.
Ma'am, I'm sorry, there's no easy way to tell you this.
- Oh.
- Your mother's boat, the Labor Day, exploded off the coast of Florida this afternoon.
Andrew was the only person aboard.
No, uh-uh.
'Cause he was going to Cuba.
A lledgedly.
Ma'am, maybe we can just, uh, cancel this this Rosa thing.
No! The Latino vote, Ben.
I'm so sorry.
He was my ex-husband.
(indistinct chatter) (soft chuckle) Hello.
Oh, wow.
Rosa.
Oh, my good friend.
That's not Rosa.
N Oh? Oh! (laughs) There she is.
(laughs) - That must be your mother.
- My sister.
Your si sister.
OK.
SELINA: Familia.
Rosa you have had quite a journey.
They put me on a plane and sent me to Mexico.
That's a terrible place.
I did nothing wrong.
No, well, I did nothing wrong.
I'm I'm just trying to run for president here.
You don't know how lucky you have it, really, to tell you the truth.
I mean, the next thing ya know, everything can change, it just goes (imitates explosion) like that, right? - ROSA: Mm.
- And And then OK, I think we need to wrap this up here.
- Oh.
- We got a busy schedule.
I just want to say thank you, - President Montez.
- Sure, why not.
- ROSA: God bless you.
- Madam President, quick question - (indistinct chatter) - SELINA: I want to be alone.
(breathing heavily) Mom, I can't believe that you ruined Marjorie's proposal all over the internet.
Catherine, I have just gotten some terrible news about your father, uh, being lost at sea, and you are up my ass about some proposal bullshit? - For real? - Too late, Catherine.
Too late.
- (knocking) - KEITH: Hey, now, you're not a grilled chicken Caesar and a Miller Lite.
- I need to talk to you.
- Sure.
I'm all ears, milady.
- Was it you? - Excuse me? Andrew is blown up.
Did you do that? Did you fucking do that?! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! I have no idea what you're talking about, Madame President, but you did say to take care of it.
No, I didn't.
I said for you to pay him off.
I distinctly remember you saying "Take care of it.
" OK, sure, but I didn't I didn't say it in a "take care of it" kind of way.
I just said take care of it.
And it was pretty clear.
You said, "Take care of it," and then you gave me a look.
Not a "blow him to kingdom-fucking-come" look! No, no, no.
Listen, your eyebrows did not move at all.
Because I have had Botox! I abhor violence of any type.
- Ye Yes.
- OK? But I have seen plenty of "blow him up" looks.
Oh, I'm sorry.
(crying) - OK.
- (weeping) - Oh.
- Oh, my God.
Let me get you some tissues.
- (crying) OK.
- OK? Yeah.
(sobbing) (gasps) I'm going back to my room.
KEITH: Oh, OK, OK.
(crying) It's OK, Catherine.
Catherine, Mommy's here.
- (sobbing) - Mommy's here.
OK, Mommy has to go.
- Mommy has to go.
- What? It's all right, Catherine, Mommy's here.
What do you think it says? I don't read Mandarin, ma'am.
When do the new Kents come out? Do we have any friends at State? We have to find someone who can read Mandarin but have no idea what it means.
Like a brain-damaged Chinaman.
- Or woman.
- Or woman.
Sorry.
Or the adopted child of someone with brain damage.
AMY: You know what would help sell this birth certificate presser is actually finding the fucking birth certificate! Yeah, I know! God, Mom! Don't you have a file marked "Important Shit" that has baby teeth in it and my VHS copy of "Night Eyes II" starring Shannon Tweed? Yes, and that's the first place I looked.
- What's that? - There it is! OK, Jonie, we really need to talk.
Mom, we don't have time to talk.
America is waiting for my leadership.
Oh, excuse me, I think I'm gonna be sick.
Uh-oh, I think I know what that's about.
(indistinct chatter) Agent Youngblood.
You know, I think you're doin' a great job, sir.
I have repeatedly called for Selina Meyer to release her birth certificate, but as everybody on my elementary school playground knows, I am not afraid to show you mine.
In fact, here it is.
This is my birth certificate.
Name: Jonah Joy Ryan.
Weight: six pounds.
Length: twenty-six inches.
Yeah, that's right, twenty-six inches.
Mother: Nancy Kincannon.
Father Excuse me.
(crowd murmuring) BETH: Jonah.
Now it's your turn, Selina Meyer.
Lloyd is my real dad? Oh, of course he is.
I tried to tell you a hundred times, Jonie.
Do you want a snack? No.
I'm not talking to y Fine.
Mac and cheese.
- NANCY: OK.
- I can't believe this.
And ketchup.
That's why we went to Canada.
We didn't tell anyone because Lloyd and I are second cousins.
- BETH: Ohh.
- God, Mom, that is vomitrocious.
I could have been born with something wrong with me.
You know what? I never thought that this would be a problem, then the two of you eloped so I just decided not to think about it 'cause that's the best solution sometimes.
- Wait, is Lloyd still my dad? - Yeah, nobody knows.
But you're now officially my stepsister.
Half sister.
I'm sorry, I think I'm gonna be sick again.
(microwave beeps) Mac and cheese is ready.
Do you have any apple slices? Anything you want, honey.
I want Lloyd to not be my dad! Me too.
MIKE: Ma'am, you said - you weren't gonna be here.
- Surprise! Do you want to meet baby Henry? He's so cute.
Yes, but often, when a child gets a new baby brother, they can feel neglected and And low self-esteem.
- Catherine, for one.
- Well, yes, exactly.
And she didn't even have a baby brother.
So I actually feel the same way, too, as a dad, sometimes.
So I think I should probably go and see Ellen right now.
Sure.
Does anybody want to meet baby Henry? No.
SELINA: Hi, Ellen.
I'm your Auntie Selina, and this is Uncle Bennie, - and this is - Chief Strategist Kent Davison.
- How do you do? - Hi.
Honey, can you do me a favor? You know what, I've got this piece of paper.
(playful tone) I don't know what it says.
I think maybe it's in Mandarin.
- Did you bring me a present? - It's in the car.
Cool.
Let's see I just talked to my guy in the Southern District.
They're dropping the investigation into the Meyer Fund.
- No! - Without Andrew, the whole thing just blew up.
(chuckles) Sorry.
Well, what are ya gonna do? Also, the Post is spiking its election interference story.
- (all laughing) - Oh, my God! What?! Is this what it feels like to be a man? - Who is Mon-tiz-uh? - What? Mon-tiz-uh? - Montez.
- Wait a minute.
Let me Let me see what you wrote.
"By giving Meyer the nomination, they can ensure a Montez presidency"? I want to be president when I grow up.
- You cannot.
- SELINA: Goddamnit! We can't even commit treason right?! - What about my present? - Uh, I'm giving it to your brother.
More than a dozen Iowa government officials are in hot water.
The lieutenant governor, along with several state senators, have all been arrested for accepting improper campaign contributions from Con-Ag-Chem Family Farms.
Bye-bye, Sidney.
Dan, I'm glad you're here.
Uh, the governor called.
He wants me to resign as mayor, effective immediately.
What? You didn't do anything wrong! That's what he said.
He's appointing me the new lieutenant governor.
(claps) Yes.
Richard, that is what I'm talkin' about.
You see? Stick with me, right? Oh.
Now that we're moving to Des Moines, Willa is fair game and DTF Diverticulitis flare-up.
So if you go out to eat, she can only have rice.
Good to know.
Thank you.
SELINA: I've got way more foreign policy experience than that half-wit Kemi.
I think it's pronounced half-white.
Am I getting my meeting with President Lu? Face to face, I can convince anyone of anything.
- That's not true.
- Incorrect.
- You're both wrong.
- Well you're right.
Hundred-fourteen million wired from the Seychelles to Malta, then back to the Seychelles and then Spain.
(laughs nervously) That is highly classified.
I'm sorry Selina, you have left me with no choice.
(mutters softly) - Ha! - That was your phone.