Workaholics s07e05 Episode Script

1 All: Hello, hello, hello, hello We're going to the circus And going to the circus and play with All the little animals And the big animals Yeah! It's over? Okay.
That's really great.
Rock on.
Yeah - Thank you! - You freaking rock! - Yeah! - We're gonna go ahead and take a real quick smoke break.
- Both: Whoo! - They suck.
- Man, they're bad.
- They're really, really bad.
- It's crazy.
- Just, like - off tempo timing.
- It's not even music.
It's like, where are they going? I don't even know how they got stage time.
Yeah, it's probably 'cause it's Coachella this weekend, - so, like, no one's here.
- It's so much money.
- It's so corporate, you know? - So expensive.
Instead of, um Instead of Coachella, it should be called Whole Paycheckella.
[laughter.]
Do you guys wanna go to the bathroom? Hey, actually, um, there's a music festival this weekend at our house.
We're that we're throwing.
And it's called Faux Chella.
Oh yeah, oh, yeah.
That festival.
Faux Chella 'cause there's "fo" stages.
- No, no.
Well, sure.
- Right? And there's a huge band, uh, that is gonna play.
And that band is Third Eye Blind.
- Seriously? - Oh.
- She's obsessed.
- Wait, are you guys serious? Third Eye Blind is gonna be at your music festival? - Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
Here, here, type your info in my phone and we will totally roll through.
I'd love to.
I'd love to.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- Totally.
- This is where I come in.
I'm gonna bare my soul on stage and and Riverdance.
Actually, I'll show you guys a little sample if you'd like.
- Yeah.
- Absolutely.
Hey, Fade fellas can I get a little Irish jig, please.
[Irish jig music.]
- Wedgie! - Whoa! - Pull it down, please, Ders! - That's now it's funny.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, yeah? [screaming.]
- Oh, no! - Don't look! Don't look.
Just doing what you asked, pal.
Oh, this next song goes out to Blake Henderson.
How many times a day do you wish That you had a bigger dick? Seven.
Seven.
One, two, three Four, five, six all: And seven [The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box".]
You gotta, you gotta, you gotta Gotta be fresh [upbeat music.]
- Okay, very good, very good.
- All right.
Ders, we're starting with the comedy, okay? - Yeah.
- And I don't want you to be nervous that you're gonna bomb.
- Heh, okay, I'm not.
- Okay, but if you are, I did download this cool little, like applause app that will [laughter.]
sweeten the laughter if you need it.
- Not gonna need it.
- [text message tone.]
Uh-oh.
Oh, it's the girls.
They are saying they are coming but only if Third Eye Blind is here.
- So is Third Eye confirmed? - Yeah.
- More or less, they are.
- Yes.
Yeah, I emailed their Hotmail account and I got a reply, like, right away from this dude named Mailer Daemon, I think it's their, like, French manager or something.
Hey, dude, can you text them something for me? - Okay.
- Say "The Lord of the Riverdance has been a-practici" - and he's ready to - Shut up, Blake.
- Yeah.
- He's not gonna text them that.
- Shut up - You know why? 'Cause women don't respond to that.
In fact, it makes their vaginas just swell shut.
- Okay? - I know that, I know that.
It's like you don't like - sideboob.
- I love that.
- Or under butt.
- I love that even more.
Oh, best of all, the underboob.
- Underneath the boob.
- Where it hangs out down here.
So if you could do me a favor and please get real! - And act real, Blake! - All right.
It's joke time.
It's joke time.
I don't know why you're being sad.
Blake, what's the deal, man? I thought I asked for prosciutto.
Welcome to Faux Chella! You guys ready to laugh today? I can't hear you! [overlapping mumbling.]
Okay, when I say, "laugh," you say, "ter.
" Laugh.
[all unenthusiastically.]
Ter.
When I say, "comed," you say "y.
" Comed.
[all unenthusiastically.]
Y.
Now we're cooking with gas! Let's give it up for the one and only comedian you're gonna see this afternoon, the great Dogfather of Comedy, Anders Holmvik! [applause.]
Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo! You know it! You know it! Let me hear my dogs! My mother[bleep.]
Rancho Cucamonga dogs! Me and the boys went out last night.
You ever notice how a Chihuahua looks like your boy who just woke up on the couch all hung-over like "Hey, man, you got any water?" [laughs.]
[laughs.]
[laughter.]
Love my dogs.
I got a dog.
I got a Doberman Pinscher.
I walk it every day.
I took it out the other day just to take a dookie, right.
You know how dogs look at you like this when they're taking a dookie? And now I look at his butthole to see what's coming out, just to see the dookie, and make sure my dog is healthy 'cause I care about my dogs, right? And I look down, and I see a tapeworm like And I'm like, "What?" [laughter.]
And he looks at me like.
"You gonna get that? You gonna pick that up?" And I look right back at that mother[bleep.]
like, "Not today, mother[bleep.]
!" Whoo! [laughter.]
I ain't [bleep.]
with no tapeworms.
[Irish music.]
Uhh, you know what? Just a minute, I'll be right back.
Be sure to check out the t-shirts at the merch table.
They are on fleek.
Be right back.
And then after the storm subsided, the drops of rain on the river looked as if they were dancing.
Well enough of my talking.
What do you say we get into some Riverdancing? - No! - Uh, what? Hey! - You will never Riverdance! - Let me go! - Not on this stage! - Stop it! - I will ow! Ow! - It's okay.
Stand back.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Do it! You wanna dance, that's fine.
You just better make it a rain dance.
What are what are you doing? What are you doing? - Oh! Oh, ho, ho! - [screaming.]
Are you [bleep.]
crazy? Ah, put it out! Oh, put it out! - You want me to put it out? - Oh, oh, my God, oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! What are you doing? [sizzling.]
Ohh! Oh, God.
[both yelling.]
Okay, mine's gonna start in a second.
- Stop! - You got this.
I'll kick your dickhead off, you idiot.
- I'm sorry, man.
- You freaking psychos! I hate you! Hey, uh, give me that beer.
I hate you, Adam DeMamp.
- Whoo! Whoo! - I hate you.
Anders Holmvik, I hate you.
Ooh! - Oh! I'm all done.
- This will never be forgiven.
We just didn't want you to embarrass us in front of those three girls we just met and decided to throw an entire musical festival for.
Is that too much to ask? I'm calling my uncle.
And he's gonna come here, and he's gonna beat both your asses.
Oh, no.
Suddenly, you got a scary uncle? He's gonna beat us up? I'm Blake's uncle - and I'm here to fight for him.
- [both laugh.]
You keep laughing with your mouth open, he's gonna stick his fist down your throat! As long as he doesn't Riverdance on me, - I think we're good.
- [stammering.]
You don't have to worry about Riverdancing, he's gonna butt[bleep.]
you and you.
Hello and welcome to the Body Stage! Where I will be performing feats of strength and skill by clean and jerking four gallons of lead-based paint - without spilling a single drop.
- [cheering.]
[screams.]
[screaming.]
Oh! - Ooh! Oh, that was cool, right? - [laughter.]
That was oh, we're laughing? That was funny? For my next feat, I shall husk this corn using nothing but my butt cheeks.
[engine rumbling.]
Flex them like a ah.
- You Adam? - Yeah.
- You Ders? - Yeah.
Okay, well, welcome to Faux Chella.
Uh, take weird parking spot, but if you wanna stand over there, you can watch me make dinner with nothing but my b-hole.
Excuse me, I was oh! Oh! This is for Blake.
[screaming.]
Yeah! Yeah! [screaming.]
Oh! Oh! Blake no ah! Hey! Ow! Sir! Ow! Ow! Ow, wait - [cheers and applause.]
- Oh! Standing ovation! I just wanted to I didn't like that.
And now that is entertainment! Isn't it? - I didn't like that.
- Uncle Mike! What is up? What's it been, like, ten? 15? Like, 25 years? I don't know, you're not in my life at all, really.
What the hell is wrong with you? You gotta call someone else to handle your shit? Uh, okay, come on, just Hender hug, man.
Whoa! Okay! Is that a man thong? What? No, it's a dance belt! That's a dan - [smacking.]
- Ow! What are you doing? What are you doing? Ow! Ow! Ow! Ah, ah for my Now get out of here.
And don't come back till you knock me on my ass.
Oh, I think he popped a butt cheek.
- Insurance.
- It hurts even to get the wallet out, doesn't it? - Well there we go.
- Our bottoms were paddled by this man's Shut up.
- Idiot uncle.
- Yeah.
- And, uh, they're sore.
- Smarter than you.
They hurt.
We think we ruptured something.
- Yeah, no, it's really severe.
- It is.
It is pretty bad.
Yep.
Ahh, ahh.
Was it bad? And my thong is just oh, my dance belt's getting swallowed up by my cheeks.
- Pull your damn pants up! - Sorry.
- Ahh.
- You're not the doctor? You see, I'm very worried that my inner butthole may be dead because the what's the is it the sphincter? - Yeah.
- It's the mouth.
- Not really - The butt mouth.
Yeah, the butt mouth isn't really puckering the way it should.
Okay, let's get you a room.
- Ah, sorry.
- Man I've been waiting her for six hours! Well they have insurance.
You don't.
What you want me to say? Does that guy have a sandwich baggie full of his fingers? [door buzzer sounds.]
He'll be all right.
Well I hope you're happy, Blake.
We're probably gonna miss the festival girls, so - see you later, sideboob.
- See you later, underboob.
See you later, under butt.
I just wanted to dance, damn it.
Would you do me a favor and go [bleep.]
yourself? God damn it! Why are you such a bully? - Both of you! - Give it a rest! You bullied us into bullying you.
Oh, did I? Why don't you bully this? - Hey! - Ow! That's a Ow.
Don't you do it! Ow! Oh you got me right in the buttocks.
[yelling over each other.]
- You want - [screams.]
Hold him down! Hold him down! [screaming.]
Ohh! Oh, oh.
Now he's a blood mess.
- Dance kick! - both: Oh! [screams.]
- Help! - You stop it! Why don't you stop it? Help! - Get your balls off me.
- Sorry about that.
- [chuckles.]
I, uh - What's going on, man? Do you need some medicine or, like, a surgery or something? If you guys are done grab assing, you can grab my ass and take me to the toilet.
[all laughing.]
Yeah, yeah, we're gonna help him to the toilet That's funny.
- Wait are you serious? - There you go.
- Oh, give him a - Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, wait a second.
Uh, are you sure you don't want some privacy? When I overheard you boys fighting, uh, it reminded me of my best friend, Luke.
He spent his whole life wanting to be the host of a cooking show and I told him Julia Child you ain't.
Which threw him into a "Tailspin" audition.
He had done a ton of these cartoon voice-over jobs and he hated it.
Anyway, he blew his brains out.
Hey, sir, are you sure that your friend specifically killed himself because you didn't encourage him to pursue his dreams? That's Uh, yes.
In fact, he wrote a long letter, telling me it was all my fault.
- Oh, my God.
- I carry it with me wherever I go.
Okay, shut up real quick because I have an idea.
What if Blake blows his brains out just because he didn't do what he loves? - Well - Because we made fun of him - so much.
- Oh, my God.
- That's why I told you - Shut up, real quick.
Life's too short to not do what you love.
Fortunately for me, I've kind of already done everything I wanted to do with my life.
Yeah, I mean, same here.
I mean, I've had anal.
- What? - I've done I've done anal - to someone.
- That's not what - you said, though.
- Look, what I'm trying to say is Blake, I am sorry for not letting you do what you wanna do, which was dancing.
And for me, which, that would be the anal that I had when that occurred.
Right, right.
Okay, shut up.
Shut up.
Just real quick.
Blake, when we go back to Faux Chella, you gotta dance, my man.
Or something cooler than that.
- Yeah.
Anything.
- Anything cooler than that.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
Okay, shutting up.
Because that apology feels so good.
It's like a warm blanket over me.
- [farting.]
- And I wanna go home and I wanna save this music festival that we threw for three, lucky, random ladies that we met for, like, ten minutes - at the bar the other day.
- If that.
- Let's do this for them! - Wait a minute, wait, wait! - There's no toilet paper.
- all: Shut up! Wait [laughs.]
Thank you, Luke.
Yo, what up, Faux Chella, we are Fade Up Fade Out Bye Bye.
So, like, bonjour! Bonjour! - Bonjour.
Bonjour - Bonjour.
Bonjour.
Pardon mon moi Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Hello there Stop! - Merci - Stop! - What? Whoa.
- The [bleep.]
is this? That's a guiro, sir.
I don't like this song.
I don't like you.
And I definitely don't like this guiro.
- Okay.
- So break it.
You cannot ask me to do this right now.
I'm playing in front of six people.
- I'm not asking, Nancy.
- Dude, this is so [bleep.]
up.
This is my grandma's guiro, man.
She just got it from Mexico, and I don't know when she's going back.
Do it! Ahh! [cries.]
Now who's next? - Mr.
Bassist Man? - Yeah, I'll break it.
I'll break it.
[laughs.]
Ow.
Hey.
- Yours isn't that bad.
- Hey, how's it going? Wow.
I I don't know.
I just feel bad leaving these people in this horrible place.
- Yeah.
Let's go.
- Oh, dude.
Third Eye Blind will definitely wanna play the show if there's all these sick people there.
Bands love benefits.
I'm gonna email Mailer Daemon with it.
- Dude, that's brilliant.
- Thank you.
Uh [clears throat.]
Hey, hey, guys? We are from Make-A-Wish! - Yep.
- Oh! Can we go to Pizza Hut with Cameron Diaz? - Uhh - both: Um We can do Kick it What the hell is this? Ah, well, this is Faux Chella.
It's our response to Coachella.
I thought you said you were from Make-A-Wish.
Make-A-Wish-of-Ours.
You probably didn't hear that second part, "of-Ours.
" - Yeah.
- 'Cause you're old.
What we will do, is we'll make our dream be that your dream is to see Third Eye Blind.
- Later, probably.
- Can we at least go rollerblading with Cameron Diaz? - She loves action sports.
- Lady! - Please.
- Nobody gives a shit - about Cameron Diaz.
- Hey.
Hey, you made it! What's up? What are you guys wearing? This is just festival gear.
You've heard of under butt, right? We got full butt.
Whoa! Full butt.
[whistling.]
Oh, wow.
[laughter.]
So, uh, where's, uh, Shannon? Uh, it's Hannon.
It's Hannon, right? Is she parking? Oh, yeah, no.
But my mom and stepdad, super excited to see Third Eye Blind, though.
"Jumper" was the song we got married to.
Tom was going through some stuff.
There were several suicide attempts.
But Tina and Megan pulled me through.
That's why she likes Third Eye.
So what time do they go on? - Third Eye Blind? - Well we don't know that exactly, but they just posted this Instagram picture of them kicking it poolside.
That looks like a it looks like a kid's birthday party.
- Yeah, well.
- I guess there are - some children there.
- That's cool, though.
You know, family time for busy musicians.
They need it, too, you know? And I've been emailing their manager Mailer Daemon.
- Mailer-daemon? - Mmhmm.
Well that is not his name.
It's Mailer Daemon.
Mailer-daemon.
It means that your email didn't go through.
Dumb ass! Guys, I really need to hear them.
Give us a couple seconds and we're gonna go talk, send some emails - and, uh, be right back! - Everything's fine.
Everything's fine.
Guys, I hate to admit it, but I think I was blind to the fact that Third Eye Blind's not coming.
You heard what he said.
All we gotta do is just "Drunk History" this thing.
Oh, I love that show! - Oh, man! Come on! - What is that? What's going on? Huh? Oh, my God, you're such a dickhead! Break 'em, now! No! - Hey! - Look who decided to come back.
You ready for me to knock you on your ass, Uncle Mike? - Yes! - Yeah! Get him, Beezer! - Whoo! - He's not actually - gonna do it, right? - No.
It's gonna be like a dumb metaphorical thing? - Yeah.
- Got it.
Okay Raggedy Andy.
Let's see what you got.
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, no.
No.
That's not how I'm knocking you on your ass.
- Called it.
- Okay.
Shut up.
All right, I'm gonna knock you on your ass.
In the sense of the saying.
- It's a play on words.
- Yeah, knock him on his ass - how the saying goes! - Thank you! - Now there's a friend.
- Is that a saying? - Not where I grew up.
- Not where I grew up, either.
- Where'd you grow up? - Omaha.
Okay, uh, everybody, we're about to do something very cool.
But first, I just wanted to say one thing to Megan's stepdad.
You came here because you said you wanted to hear Third Eye Blind.
Well, hear you go.
- Okay.
- Here it is.
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend You could cut ties with all the lies That you've been living in And if you do not want to see me again I would understand I would understand I would understand What the [bleep.]
is this? Yeah Boo! Can you put the past away? I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend I would understand I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend I would understand I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend And I would understand I wish you would step back From that ledge my friend I would understand I wish you would step back From that ledge my friend I would understand [cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
[crying.]
Oh, my God.
Uncle Mike are you okay? I get micromanaged at work.
I can't figure out the stupid computer system.
I get no respect.
- That sucks.
Where do you work? - Hertz.
- You work at Hertz Rent A Car? No, I said, "It hurts.
" I work at Budget.
The other day I promised the same Chevy Cruze to five different people.
Janet yelled at me in front of everyone.
- [bleep.]
Janet.
- Would you forgive me? Of course.
But, hey, you have to admit, I knocked you on your ass.
Yeah, emotionally, you knocked me on my ass.
- Right.
- Hell yeah.
[laughs.]
Oh! Okay! Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Not really.
He didn't really knock him on his ass.
- Felt good.
[laughs.]
- Kinda.
Emotionally, he did.
Hey, thanks for having my back, guys.
We just did what you said to do But this time in a nice way.
You know? Uh, can I get a ride back to the hospital? I think I'm going into shock.
We tend to have that effect on people.
- Yeah.
- Oh, he's serious.
- Oh, my God.
- Okay, okay.
He's actually really, really heavy.
Bite down on this, sir.
- Whoo.
- Honestly, you guys - are better than Third Eye.
- Thank you! I felt that, when we were Oh, hey, check it out.
This dude really knows how to party, huh? I haven't touched the stuff in years, but I feel good! [laughter.]
Hey, uh, you think your daughter's into us, or what? Yeah, what about Hannon? [sighs.]
They suck.
So does my life.
Hey, honey! - Hey, Dad.
- You dare me to jump? [laughs.]
That's [bleep.]
shit.
Third time's a charm! [laughs.]
I think we got another roommate, huh? Nice.