All In The Family s07e06 Episode Script
Archie's Operation (1)
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days - Archie, come on.
- [ARCHIE COMPLAINING.]
After all, maybe if I laid home for a week and you brung me soup, it would help the same.
No, no, Archie.
Come on, take off your coat.
Now, don't get scared.
Don't say "scared" with people lookin' at us! I ain't scared of nothin', here! Go on! I'll come in with you! All right, all right, all right! No, no! Don't come in with me! - Sit down over there! - All right! Uh, the name is A.
Bunker, there, sis.
I'm here for a gall bladder operation.
[HEAVY LATIN ACCENT.]
Would you please wait outside until I'm finished with this gentleman? The doctor sent me right over.
It seems it's an emergency.
Yes, around here, most of them are.
Please take a "sit.
" Well, maybe I ain't got time to take a "sit.
" Are you bleeding? Not yet.
Well, then, you have time to take a "sit," please! All right, all right.
But if my gall bladder bursts, let it be on your head! What happened? She reminds me of somebody awful! Yeah, but what did-- what did she say? Aw, she just said go out here and wait.
Oh, all right.
Come on, now.
Sit down and don't worry.
Doctors--make you wait on line to die.
Aw.
Now, don't worry.
Dr.
Shapiro says it ain't serious, and he ain't worried.
Yeah, well, if Shapiro was having the operation, I wouldn't worry.
Are they gonna take out your whole gall bladder or just the stones? I don't know, Edith.
But these doctors, once they cut you open, they start rootin' around your guts.
They take out anything they can put on the bill.
Don't even think about 'em cuttin' you open.
I'll do that, I'll do-- I'll do that! I will do that! Stop bein' nervous yourself! You're the one that's makin' me nervous! Don't think about me.
Don't think about nothin' there.
Just--just do Look off into the distance or somethin' there.
Here, here, here.
Read a magazine.
All right.
Ugh.
Oh, maybe I shouldn't look at this one, Archie.
No, read it, read it, read it.
Mm.
Give me that! Wasn't you shocked by that? Yeah.
Then why was you lookin' at it for?! You told me to.
Couldn't you find a cake recipe in there?! Well, let's see.
No! No, don't do that! Ma! Oh, hi, Gloria! Daddy, what's happening? Your mother is cheering me up here.
Well, I brought you some flowers.
I thought you was gonna bring me beer?! Daddy, the strangest thing happened when I was leaving the house.
I kissed Joey good-bye, and I told him his grandpa was in the hospital.
And he got the saddest look on his little face.
Oh, yeah? Geez, ain't that sweet.
You hear that, Edith? He got a sad look on his little face.
When he gets that look, I always change him right away.
[HEAVY LATIN ACCENT.]
Okay, Mr.
Bonkers, you can come in now.
Ah, did you hear that? Bonkers? Bunker's the name! Let me fix your shirt.
Get your hands out of my pants! I know who she reminds me of now.
Fido Castro.
So, uh, what's next? What is the name of your doctor? Uh, Shapiro.
Uh, which Dr.
Shapiro? We have many of them.
Oh, I don-- I don't remember.
Let me see here.
Abraham Shapiro? No, no.
Uh, Bernard Shapiro? No.
Hymen Shapiro? No.
Mark Shapiro? Wait a minute.
What the hell is so many Shapiros doin' in a Presbyterian hospital? Samuel Shapiro? No.
Seymour Shapiro? That's it, stop there.
Yeah, that's it--Seymour.
That's my Shapiro.
[HEAVY LATIN ACCENT.]
Okay, next of kin? Huh? Kin.
Kin.
King who? Who do we notify, just in case.
What do you mean "just in case"? Just in case what?! What?! In case you croak! Croak! Notify my wife.
Edith.
Right there.
Edith Bunker.
She's sittin' outside there readin'.
Oh, and by the way What is the centerfold of a Playgirl doin' out there? What kind of a thing is that for sick people to look at? If you have been looking at the centerfold in Playgirl, there'd be something else that's wrong with you, Papi.
[BLOWS KISSES.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
Excuse me.
Admittance, Ms.
Betancourt speaking.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Aw, geez.
[CONTINUES SPEAKING SPANISH.]
kosher delicatessen.
Kosher delicatessen? Why do I have to listen to this? Well, listen, put him on.
Let me talk to him.
What's wrong with eating Italian? I'm dying for a big pizza with everything on it.
Do you have to talk about food?! Would you shut up?! With cheese and anchovies and sausages and pepperoni.
I am so hungry.
I hope you got a spare uniform.
'Cause in a minute, I'm gonna vomit on ya.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
gringo loco aquÃ.
Okay, ciao.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BLOWS KISSES.]
SÃ, okay.
What's the name of your insurance company? Fiddle Tie.
Excuse me? Here.
It's written down here.
Fiddle Tie, Fiddle Tie.
That's Fidelity.
Well, if that's the way they want to call it in "Guatamula," I don't give a damn.
[HEAVY LATIN ACCENT.]
Do you have an account in a bank? Yeah, First National "Bonk.
" References? It's a pretty good "bonk.
" Will they give you references? What the hell are you talkin' about?! They're holdin' my dough, why I need references from them? No references.
Okay, do you want a ward, a semi-private room, or a private room? Any room at all, as long as there ain't a guy in it with hoses up his nose.
You'll be in Room 417.
José! Where are you going? I'm going up to 417! No, no, no, you can't walk there.
[INDISTINCT YELLING.]
I'm very sorry, these are the rules.
What the hell?! I feel Like Jimmy Cagney in the big house.
Look at my daughter with her nose in the nudies there! Mr.
Bunker? Mr.
Bunker? I'm in here changing.
Wait a minute, will ya? [SIGHS.]
Ah, look at this thing they give me to wear here.
What's the problem? The problem? Look at the back of it there.
No, don't look at the back! You put it on backwards, your front is showin'.
You put it on frontwards, your back is showin'.
You can't figure which side there you wanna flash to the world.
I'm sure the world is waitin' on your decision.
Get into bed, man.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Would you turn your head away, huh? [SIGHS.]
When you've seen one, you've seen them all.
If you've seen one, then you won't be so interested in mine.
All right, now you can turn around and look.
Now, wait a minute.
I want to tell you somethin'.
Whatever you're gonna do here, I don't care what it is, I want you to explain it to me! Now you listen, boysy.
If you behave yourself, I'll be good to you.
But if you don't behave yourself, I'll go take a bedpan and beat you with it! The nurses in this joint are killers.
What was that? I said I'm tryin' to fix my pillows here.
Hey, uh, listen, you talk, if you don't mind my sayin' so, kinda funny.
Uh, what part of Harlem are you from? I come from the West Indies.
Oh, the West Indies.
Oh, well, aloha.
I'm goin' to give you a shot to relieve your pain.
Turn over.
Aw, geez, why do they always give you a shot where the pain ain't? Turn over.
Well--well, wait--wait a minute.
Shouldn't we wait for the doctor, huh? I am a doctor.
I'm on the staff here.
Oh! You are--you're a-- you're a regular doctor? Only at night.
By day I strangle chickens for the Colonel.
I think we oughta wait for Dr.
Shapiro.
I'm assistin' Dr.
Shapiro.
Now turn over.
Oh, no, but wait a minute, wait a minute.
I wanna know one thing-- Shapiro's doin' the operation? Maybe he is, Maybe he's not.
Now turn over.
Aw, gee.
I wanna tell you somethin'.
I don't mind a West Indian shot in the butt there, but when it comes to the operation, I want a regular, normal, everyday, American hospital operation, you know? I mean, I can't use any fires or dancin' or rattlin' bones.
I'm glad you told me that, man, because I was goin' to sacrifice a monkey.
Ouch! Geez! In this day and age, you'd think they'd have little sweet pills for this.
Medical science is a lot of crapola! Uh, what What are you gonna use the razor for? For shavin'.
I shaved this mornin'.
I bet you didn't shave where I'm goin' to shave you.
Wait a minute, there! Hey! Hold everything! Now, listen, I know that they got men nurses for this, see? I-It ain't so much the lookin', there, but, I mean, men are used to shavin', you know? And they do it good.
I mean, after all, one slip with a weapon like that could change your whole personality! Not to worry, my dear.
I wish I had a shillin' for every time I did this.
You are in capable hands.
I ain't sayin' you ain't capable, you are a doctor and all that.
But, look, after all, you are a woman, you know? I mean, I don't mind a little glance at the keister over there, but this is awful! I am sure it is.
I have to do it anyway.
Oh, no, no, no! Hold--hold on, Doctor.
This is gonna make me so ashamed.
My dear, I will do it in a manner that will cause you no shame.
How ya gonna do that? When I shave you, I'm gonna close me eyes.
Oh, geez! Now, wait a minute.
Now, hold it.
Now, be careful here.
Be careful what you're doin' there.
Oh, Archie, don't bother about that no more.
Listen, they'd better operate on me soon.
I'm gonna have a five o'clock shadow, here.
When are they gonna operate? Why don't they get on with it?! Shh! Don't holler.
You might wake up your roommate.
Aw, don't worry about him.
He ain't moved since I checked in here.
Oh, do you think he's all right? I don't know.
Kick the bed and see what he does.
Oh, Archie! Listen, listen, I'm glad we're alone here.
We can have a few minutes of quiet talk.
Listen, Edith, there's some important things I gotta talk over with ya.
You know, before.
Before what? Before I go under the knife.
You know, anything could happen.
Oh, Archie, no! No, I don't wanna talk about nothin' like that! You gotta talk about it! You gotta be prepared.
Now, just listen to me.
To begin with At home, in the top of the bedroom closet on the shelf there, there's a cigar box, see? Now, you look in there, and you'll find a white envelope.
It's got some money in there.
It's just some football bets, some loans that was repaid, you know.
And listen, I wasn't keepin' it from ya, see? I mean, I just forgot to tell ya about it.
And now with God lookin' me in the face, I just remembered.
There ain't much in there, about $108.
A hundred and nine.
If you knew about it, why didn't you tell me?! Well, if I told you, then when you wanted to tell me, you wouldn't have nothin' to tell.
I guess that makes sense.
I don't know anymore.
Here, let me make you more comfortable.
There's somethin' else that's botherin' me-- there's somethin' else botherin'-- there's something botherin' me more than what you're doin' right now! Edith! Listen, I'm worried, because I don't want little Joey to forget about me when I ain't here anymore.
Oh, Archie, please don't talk about when you ain't hear no more! When am I supposed to talk about when I ain't hear no more? When I ain't hear no more? I gotta talk about when I ain't hear no more when I'm here! Can't you follow that? [SIGHS.]
Now, listen, I don't want Joey to forget me.
Oh, he won't forget you, Archie.
I'll tell him stories about you all the time.
Don't tell him long stories, the child will hate me.
Just take the $109.
And every birthday, you buy him a little present there, see, from me.
And you get a little birthday card, just from me.
Have it say something on it, you know.
Whatever.
Somethin' kinda pretty like, "This is to remind you that I'm still around, even though I'm very deep into the ground.
" Somethin' like that.
Tsk.
Yeah, yeah.
I will.
Now, about the funeral-- There ain't gonna be no funeral.
Certainly there's gonna be a funeral.
What the hell you gonna do?! Put me out with the garbage?! Wait a minute, wait a minute.
[SIGHS.]
Now, listen, there's a bright side to this funeral, 'cause the lodge gets stuck with the tab.
Now remember, I'm a charter member there.
So I'm entitled to be buried in the "A" section.
That's the new section far away from the L-train.
Huh? And don't let them bury me beside Tiny Stilverforce.
'Cause his family, the whole bunch of them, they're a no-class crowd of people.
They come out to the cemetery on decoration day and picnic all over the mounds.
And I don't want none of them sittin' on my mound.
You hear me? Yeah, yeah, I hear you.
But please, no more about graves.
The grave is settled, Edith.
Now about the coffin Oh, Archie! Edith, just take the coffin that the lodge gives you.
Don't let no "mortrician" sell you one of them expensive kind with the great wood and all that.
And all of that satin that I hate.
It's so slippery there.
When they're carryin' you down the steps of the church, the corpse always slips to the bottom of the box there.
One thing is very, very important here.
I want you to stay with me, right beside me, right through the burial.
But what if I'm still alive? I ain't askin' ya to go into the ground with me.
Once they box me and plant me, you can go home.
I--I can't listen to this no more! What else is a wife for except to listen these terrible things?! Now, Edith, one thing you gotta remember-- when you dress me, see, you dress me in a nice white shirt, the blue tie, the nice grey suit.
Your grey suit is too tight for ya.
You let it out in the back! Who the hell is gonna see it?! Tuck it down around the sides.
Archie, please don't talk no more about death and dyin'.
Why don't we talk about life? I wanna talk about life.
Good! Nowabout your next husband-- Oh! I'm in pain here, Edith! Ow! Ow! What? Oh, Archie! Oh, the pain here, Edith, the pain! Sit down and listen to this! Now, about your next husband-- Archie, I ain't gonna get married again.
Oh-oh-oh, that's what you say now.
But, Edith, when you're alone there, and the lonely days go on and on and on into the future, in a week or so, you'll be climbin' the walls.
I just want you to do me a favor, Edith.
Don't marry nobody who was a friend of mine.
I can't stand the thought of them bein' in bed with ya.
In fact, I can't stand the thought of them at all.
Like Will Rogers used to say, "I never met a friend I really liked.
" Oh, hi, Arch.
Ah, hi there, Meathead.
Hi, Ma.
Oh, hi, Mike.
How ya feelin', Arch? How ya think? Stinko.
When's the operation? I don't know.
They never tell ya nothin' in the hospital, except how much you owe them.
Oh, hey, Arch, don't worry about money.
Whatever Gloria and I have is yours.
Well, sure it is.
That's where it comes from in the first place.
Hello, Mike, Edith.
Archie, I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
Oh, that's okay, Dr.
Shapiro.
I understand.
It's hard to find a parking slot for that big Cadillac of yours.
Archie, there's gonna be a slight delay in the operation.
We have to locate some blood for you.
What do you need blood for? Expect to spill a lot? Oh, no, no, no.
We have to be prepared for every emergency.
See, see, see, see? Archie, you have a comparatively rare blood type-- AB negative.
But don't worry, we have a call out to our local sources, and we should be hearing very soon.
Wa-wa-wait a minute there, Dr.
Shapiro.
What about Edith's blood here? I mean, after all, all the years together there, we're eatin' out of the same dishes, drinkin' out of the same glasses, we're usin' the same sheets and towels and pillowcases, same bathtub and everything else, I mean, after all this time, our blood's got to be the same.
Archie, she's the wrong type.
We checked her over an hour ago.
You knew this an hour ago, and you didn't tell me?! Well, Archie, I didn't want you to worry.
When you know somethin' that I don't know, that's when I worry! Doctor, everything is ready as soon as you're scrubbed.
We'll have to wait, Dr.
Thatcher, until we get an AB neg.
donor.
Oh, but we have a volunteer.
Oh, one of the friends showed up, huh? Who's the volunteer? You? Oh, thank you, Doctor! That's so nice! Now, wait a minute.
Now, wait a minute.
Now, just--shh! Now, wait a minute, just a minute.
Now, let me just say this.
No intense offended there, Dr.
Thatcher, but-but-but let me ask Dr.
Shapiro about this.
I mean, do you think this is good? Dr.
Thatcher's blood? Oh, come on, Arch.
Don't start this.
I ain't talkin' about this! I'm talkin' about, uh-uh-uh-- she's a woman, right? So is that good? I mean, a woman's blood goin' into my veins? Well, you would have taken mine, Archie.
Shut up! Don't argue with your husband in the hospital! I--I mean, Doctor, you know, a woman's blood goin' in there, I mean, strange things could happen.
I mean, suppose I grow bumps.
Then all your shirts wouldn't fit.
Shut up.
Arch, you're bein' ridiculous! Listen, listen, what I mean, Doctor, you know, you mix my, uh, white, uh-- what do you call-- hemoglobins, see, with her colored shemoglobins.
Anything could happen! Yeah, there might be a race riot.
Get away from me, you! Archie, if the type is compatible, the blood is compatible.
Doctor, you don't understand what I'm tryin' to say.
She is B-L-A-K.
But her blood is R-E-D-D.
Dr.
Thatcher, I'm gonna scrub up.
Bring the patient to surgery, please.
Oh, fine.
Okay, fellas, bring the stretcher in.
Nothin' is goin' right today, Edith.
I know, Archie.
It's gonna be all right.
What is this? Oh.
You're gonna be wonderful.
Just relax.
Oh, Edith.
Look at this, they're comin' to get me now.
So long, Meathead.
Arch, I'll see ya tomorrow.
Sure you will.
But will I see you? Not to worry, my dear, you're in capable hands.
Everything is going to be marvelous.
Are you sure of that, Doctor? Positive.
Only one thing, though Yeah, what? When you come out the anesthetic, you might have a strange cravin' for watermelon.
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
- [ARCHIE COMPLAINING.]
After all, maybe if I laid home for a week and you brung me soup, it would help the same.
No, no, Archie.
Come on, take off your coat.
Now, don't get scared.
Don't say "scared" with people lookin' at us! I ain't scared of nothin', here! Go on! I'll come in with you! All right, all right, all right! No, no! Don't come in with me! - Sit down over there! - All right! Uh, the name is A.
Bunker, there, sis.
I'm here for a gall bladder operation.
[HEAVY LATIN ACCENT.]
Would you please wait outside until I'm finished with this gentleman? The doctor sent me right over.
It seems it's an emergency.
Yes, around here, most of them are.
Please take a "sit.
" Well, maybe I ain't got time to take a "sit.
" Are you bleeding? Not yet.
Well, then, you have time to take a "sit," please! All right, all right.
But if my gall bladder bursts, let it be on your head! What happened? She reminds me of somebody awful! Yeah, but what did-- what did she say? Aw, she just said go out here and wait.
Oh, all right.
Come on, now.
Sit down and don't worry.
Doctors--make you wait on line to die.
Aw.
Now, don't worry.
Dr.
Shapiro says it ain't serious, and he ain't worried.
Yeah, well, if Shapiro was having the operation, I wouldn't worry.
Are they gonna take out your whole gall bladder or just the stones? I don't know, Edith.
But these doctors, once they cut you open, they start rootin' around your guts.
They take out anything they can put on the bill.
Don't even think about 'em cuttin' you open.
I'll do that, I'll do-- I'll do that! I will do that! Stop bein' nervous yourself! You're the one that's makin' me nervous! Don't think about me.
Don't think about nothin' there.
Just--just do Look off into the distance or somethin' there.
Here, here, here.
Read a magazine.
All right.
Ugh.
Oh, maybe I shouldn't look at this one, Archie.
No, read it, read it, read it.
Mm.
Give me that! Wasn't you shocked by that? Yeah.
Then why was you lookin' at it for?! You told me to.
Couldn't you find a cake recipe in there?! Well, let's see.
No! No, don't do that! Ma! Oh, hi, Gloria! Daddy, what's happening? Your mother is cheering me up here.
Well, I brought you some flowers.
I thought you was gonna bring me beer?! Daddy, the strangest thing happened when I was leaving the house.
I kissed Joey good-bye, and I told him his grandpa was in the hospital.
And he got the saddest look on his little face.
Oh, yeah? Geez, ain't that sweet.
You hear that, Edith? He got a sad look on his little face.
When he gets that look, I always change him right away.
[HEAVY LATIN ACCENT.]
Okay, Mr.
Bonkers, you can come in now.
Ah, did you hear that? Bonkers? Bunker's the name! Let me fix your shirt.
Get your hands out of my pants! I know who she reminds me of now.
Fido Castro.
So, uh, what's next? What is the name of your doctor? Uh, Shapiro.
Uh, which Dr.
Shapiro? We have many of them.
Oh, I don-- I don't remember.
Let me see here.
Abraham Shapiro? No, no.
Uh, Bernard Shapiro? No.
Hymen Shapiro? No.
Mark Shapiro? Wait a minute.
What the hell is so many Shapiros doin' in a Presbyterian hospital? Samuel Shapiro? No.
Seymour Shapiro? That's it, stop there.
Yeah, that's it--Seymour.
That's my Shapiro.
[HEAVY LATIN ACCENT.]
Okay, next of kin? Huh? Kin.
Kin.
King who? Who do we notify, just in case.
What do you mean "just in case"? Just in case what?! What?! In case you croak! Croak! Notify my wife.
Edith.
Right there.
Edith Bunker.
She's sittin' outside there readin'.
Oh, and by the way What is the centerfold of a Playgirl doin' out there? What kind of a thing is that for sick people to look at? If you have been looking at the centerfold in Playgirl, there'd be something else that's wrong with you, Papi.
[BLOWS KISSES.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
Excuse me.
Admittance, Ms.
Betancourt speaking.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Aw, geez.
[CONTINUES SPEAKING SPANISH.]
kosher delicatessen.
Kosher delicatessen? Why do I have to listen to this? Well, listen, put him on.
Let me talk to him.
What's wrong with eating Italian? I'm dying for a big pizza with everything on it.
Do you have to talk about food?! Would you shut up?! With cheese and anchovies and sausages and pepperoni.
I am so hungry.
I hope you got a spare uniform.
'Cause in a minute, I'm gonna vomit on ya.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
gringo loco aquÃ.
Okay, ciao.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BLOWS KISSES.]
SÃ, okay.
What's the name of your insurance company? Fiddle Tie.
Excuse me? Here.
It's written down here.
Fiddle Tie, Fiddle Tie.
That's Fidelity.
Well, if that's the way they want to call it in "Guatamula," I don't give a damn.
[HEAVY LATIN ACCENT.]
Do you have an account in a bank? Yeah, First National "Bonk.
" References? It's a pretty good "bonk.
" Will they give you references? What the hell are you talkin' about?! They're holdin' my dough, why I need references from them? No references.
Okay, do you want a ward, a semi-private room, or a private room? Any room at all, as long as there ain't a guy in it with hoses up his nose.
You'll be in Room 417.
José! Where are you going? I'm going up to 417! No, no, no, you can't walk there.
[INDISTINCT YELLING.]
I'm very sorry, these are the rules.
What the hell?! I feel Like Jimmy Cagney in the big house.
Look at my daughter with her nose in the nudies there! Mr.
Bunker? Mr.
Bunker? I'm in here changing.
Wait a minute, will ya? [SIGHS.]
Ah, look at this thing they give me to wear here.
What's the problem? The problem? Look at the back of it there.
No, don't look at the back! You put it on backwards, your front is showin'.
You put it on frontwards, your back is showin'.
You can't figure which side there you wanna flash to the world.
I'm sure the world is waitin' on your decision.
Get into bed, man.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Would you turn your head away, huh? [SIGHS.]
When you've seen one, you've seen them all.
If you've seen one, then you won't be so interested in mine.
All right, now you can turn around and look.
Now, wait a minute.
I want to tell you somethin'.
Whatever you're gonna do here, I don't care what it is, I want you to explain it to me! Now you listen, boysy.
If you behave yourself, I'll be good to you.
But if you don't behave yourself, I'll go take a bedpan and beat you with it! The nurses in this joint are killers.
What was that? I said I'm tryin' to fix my pillows here.
Hey, uh, listen, you talk, if you don't mind my sayin' so, kinda funny.
Uh, what part of Harlem are you from? I come from the West Indies.
Oh, the West Indies.
Oh, well, aloha.
I'm goin' to give you a shot to relieve your pain.
Turn over.
Aw, geez, why do they always give you a shot where the pain ain't? Turn over.
Well--well, wait--wait a minute.
Shouldn't we wait for the doctor, huh? I am a doctor.
I'm on the staff here.
Oh! You are--you're a-- you're a regular doctor? Only at night.
By day I strangle chickens for the Colonel.
I think we oughta wait for Dr.
Shapiro.
I'm assistin' Dr.
Shapiro.
Now turn over.
Oh, no, but wait a minute, wait a minute.
I wanna know one thing-- Shapiro's doin' the operation? Maybe he is, Maybe he's not.
Now turn over.
Aw, gee.
I wanna tell you somethin'.
I don't mind a West Indian shot in the butt there, but when it comes to the operation, I want a regular, normal, everyday, American hospital operation, you know? I mean, I can't use any fires or dancin' or rattlin' bones.
I'm glad you told me that, man, because I was goin' to sacrifice a monkey.
Ouch! Geez! In this day and age, you'd think they'd have little sweet pills for this.
Medical science is a lot of crapola! Uh, what What are you gonna use the razor for? For shavin'.
I shaved this mornin'.
I bet you didn't shave where I'm goin' to shave you.
Wait a minute, there! Hey! Hold everything! Now, listen, I know that they got men nurses for this, see? I-It ain't so much the lookin', there, but, I mean, men are used to shavin', you know? And they do it good.
I mean, after all, one slip with a weapon like that could change your whole personality! Not to worry, my dear.
I wish I had a shillin' for every time I did this.
You are in capable hands.
I ain't sayin' you ain't capable, you are a doctor and all that.
But, look, after all, you are a woman, you know? I mean, I don't mind a little glance at the keister over there, but this is awful! I am sure it is.
I have to do it anyway.
Oh, no, no, no! Hold--hold on, Doctor.
This is gonna make me so ashamed.
My dear, I will do it in a manner that will cause you no shame.
How ya gonna do that? When I shave you, I'm gonna close me eyes.
Oh, geez! Now, wait a minute.
Now, hold it.
Now, be careful here.
Be careful what you're doin' there.
Oh, Archie, don't bother about that no more.
Listen, they'd better operate on me soon.
I'm gonna have a five o'clock shadow, here.
When are they gonna operate? Why don't they get on with it?! Shh! Don't holler.
You might wake up your roommate.
Aw, don't worry about him.
He ain't moved since I checked in here.
Oh, do you think he's all right? I don't know.
Kick the bed and see what he does.
Oh, Archie! Listen, listen, I'm glad we're alone here.
We can have a few minutes of quiet talk.
Listen, Edith, there's some important things I gotta talk over with ya.
You know, before.
Before what? Before I go under the knife.
You know, anything could happen.
Oh, Archie, no! No, I don't wanna talk about nothin' like that! You gotta talk about it! You gotta be prepared.
Now, just listen to me.
To begin with At home, in the top of the bedroom closet on the shelf there, there's a cigar box, see? Now, you look in there, and you'll find a white envelope.
It's got some money in there.
It's just some football bets, some loans that was repaid, you know.
And listen, I wasn't keepin' it from ya, see? I mean, I just forgot to tell ya about it.
And now with God lookin' me in the face, I just remembered.
There ain't much in there, about $108.
A hundred and nine.
If you knew about it, why didn't you tell me?! Well, if I told you, then when you wanted to tell me, you wouldn't have nothin' to tell.
I guess that makes sense.
I don't know anymore.
Here, let me make you more comfortable.
There's somethin' else that's botherin' me-- there's somethin' else botherin'-- there's something botherin' me more than what you're doin' right now! Edith! Listen, I'm worried, because I don't want little Joey to forget about me when I ain't here anymore.
Oh, Archie, please don't talk about when you ain't hear no more! When am I supposed to talk about when I ain't hear no more? When I ain't hear no more? I gotta talk about when I ain't hear no more when I'm here! Can't you follow that? [SIGHS.]
Now, listen, I don't want Joey to forget me.
Oh, he won't forget you, Archie.
I'll tell him stories about you all the time.
Don't tell him long stories, the child will hate me.
Just take the $109.
And every birthday, you buy him a little present there, see, from me.
And you get a little birthday card, just from me.
Have it say something on it, you know.
Whatever.
Somethin' kinda pretty like, "This is to remind you that I'm still around, even though I'm very deep into the ground.
" Somethin' like that.
Tsk.
Yeah, yeah.
I will.
Now, about the funeral-- There ain't gonna be no funeral.
Certainly there's gonna be a funeral.
What the hell you gonna do?! Put me out with the garbage?! Wait a minute, wait a minute.
[SIGHS.]
Now, listen, there's a bright side to this funeral, 'cause the lodge gets stuck with the tab.
Now remember, I'm a charter member there.
So I'm entitled to be buried in the "A" section.
That's the new section far away from the L-train.
Huh? And don't let them bury me beside Tiny Stilverforce.
'Cause his family, the whole bunch of them, they're a no-class crowd of people.
They come out to the cemetery on decoration day and picnic all over the mounds.
And I don't want none of them sittin' on my mound.
You hear me? Yeah, yeah, I hear you.
But please, no more about graves.
The grave is settled, Edith.
Now about the coffin Oh, Archie! Edith, just take the coffin that the lodge gives you.
Don't let no "mortrician" sell you one of them expensive kind with the great wood and all that.
And all of that satin that I hate.
It's so slippery there.
When they're carryin' you down the steps of the church, the corpse always slips to the bottom of the box there.
One thing is very, very important here.
I want you to stay with me, right beside me, right through the burial.
But what if I'm still alive? I ain't askin' ya to go into the ground with me.
Once they box me and plant me, you can go home.
I--I can't listen to this no more! What else is a wife for except to listen these terrible things?! Now, Edith, one thing you gotta remember-- when you dress me, see, you dress me in a nice white shirt, the blue tie, the nice grey suit.
Your grey suit is too tight for ya.
You let it out in the back! Who the hell is gonna see it?! Tuck it down around the sides.
Archie, please don't talk no more about death and dyin'.
Why don't we talk about life? I wanna talk about life.
Good! Nowabout your next husband-- Oh! I'm in pain here, Edith! Ow! Ow! What? Oh, Archie! Oh, the pain here, Edith, the pain! Sit down and listen to this! Now, about your next husband-- Archie, I ain't gonna get married again.
Oh-oh-oh, that's what you say now.
But, Edith, when you're alone there, and the lonely days go on and on and on into the future, in a week or so, you'll be climbin' the walls.
I just want you to do me a favor, Edith.
Don't marry nobody who was a friend of mine.
I can't stand the thought of them bein' in bed with ya.
In fact, I can't stand the thought of them at all.
Like Will Rogers used to say, "I never met a friend I really liked.
" Oh, hi, Arch.
Ah, hi there, Meathead.
Hi, Ma.
Oh, hi, Mike.
How ya feelin', Arch? How ya think? Stinko.
When's the operation? I don't know.
They never tell ya nothin' in the hospital, except how much you owe them.
Oh, hey, Arch, don't worry about money.
Whatever Gloria and I have is yours.
Well, sure it is.
That's where it comes from in the first place.
Hello, Mike, Edith.
Archie, I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
Oh, that's okay, Dr.
Shapiro.
I understand.
It's hard to find a parking slot for that big Cadillac of yours.
Archie, there's gonna be a slight delay in the operation.
We have to locate some blood for you.
What do you need blood for? Expect to spill a lot? Oh, no, no, no.
We have to be prepared for every emergency.
See, see, see, see? Archie, you have a comparatively rare blood type-- AB negative.
But don't worry, we have a call out to our local sources, and we should be hearing very soon.
Wa-wa-wait a minute there, Dr.
Shapiro.
What about Edith's blood here? I mean, after all, all the years together there, we're eatin' out of the same dishes, drinkin' out of the same glasses, we're usin' the same sheets and towels and pillowcases, same bathtub and everything else, I mean, after all this time, our blood's got to be the same.
Archie, she's the wrong type.
We checked her over an hour ago.
You knew this an hour ago, and you didn't tell me?! Well, Archie, I didn't want you to worry.
When you know somethin' that I don't know, that's when I worry! Doctor, everything is ready as soon as you're scrubbed.
We'll have to wait, Dr.
Thatcher, until we get an AB neg.
donor.
Oh, but we have a volunteer.
Oh, one of the friends showed up, huh? Who's the volunteer? You? Oh, thank you, Doctor! That's so nice! Now, wait a minute.
Now, wait a minute.
Now, just--shh! Now, wait a minute, just a minute.
Now, let me just say this.
No intense offended there, Dr.
Thatcher, but-but-but let me ask Dr.
Shapiro about this.
I mean, do you think this is good? Dr.
Thatcher's blood? Oh, come on, Arch.
Don't start this.
I ain't talkin' about this! I'm talkin' about, uh-uh-uh-- she's a woman, right? So is that good? I mean, a woman's blood goin' into my veins? Well, you would have taken mine, Archie.
Shut up! Don't argue with your husband in the hospital! I--I mean, Doctor, you know, a woman's blood goin' in there, I mean, strange things could happen.
I mean, suppose I grow bumps.
Then all your shirts wouldn't fit.
Shut up.
Arch, you're bein' ridiculous! Listen, listen, what I mean, Doctor, you know, you mix my, uh, white, uh-- what do you call-- hemoglobins, see, with her colored shemoglobins.
Anything could happen! Yeah, there might be a race riot.
Get away from me, you! Archie, if the type is compatible, the blood is compatible.
Doctor, you don't understand what I'm tryin' to say.
She is B-L-A-K.
But her blood is R-E-D-D.
Dr.
Thatcher, I'm gonna scrub up.
Bring the patient to surgery, please.
Oh, fine.
Okay, fellas, bring the stretcher in.
Nothin' is goin' right today, Edith.
I know, Archie.
It's gonna be all right.
What is this? Oh.
You're gonna be wonderful.
Just relax.
Oh, Edith.
Look at this, they're comin' to get me now.
So long, Meathead.
Arch, I'll see ya tomorrow.
Sure you will.
But will I see you? Not to worry, my dear, you're in capable hands.
Everything is going to be marvelous.
Are you sure of that, Doctor? Positive.
Only one thing, though Yeah, what? When you come out the anesthetic, you might have a strange cravin' for watermelon.
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.