Big Mouth (2017) s07e06 Episode Script

1
["Changes" by Charles Bradley playing]
I'm goin' through changes ♪
I'm goin' through changes ♪
Oh ♪
In my life ♪
Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪
[songs fades]
["Battle Hymn of the Republic" playing]
[in English] Oh. Happy Fourth of July,
fellow patriots.
I'm talking directly to camera,
so you know it's a very special episode.
It's all about America,
land of the free, home of the gays.
Big Mouth wants to celebrate
a uniquely American experience
that only Americans experience.
Puberty.
- Wait, wait, wait. Hold up, Maury.
- [record scratch]
Do you think puberty
only happens in America?
Yeah, like liberty,
or rampant gun violence.
No, you fucking jackass.
Puberty happens to everybody
all over the world.
I don't know, Connie. This sounds like
one of your conspiracy theories.
Then what about all the different
language options Netflix has for our show?
What? Our show is dubbed
into other languages?
Here, I'll show you.
[scoffs] Goddamn Apple remote.
I hate this thing.
I don't know whether to press it or
[in German] or to fuck it.
Oh shit, Connie. You sound different.
Also, "shit" is such a great word
in German.
Shit, shit, shit.
[in Japanese] Why would Netflix spend all
that money hiring actors and translators
if people around the world
aren't all going through changes?
Huh, I had no fucking idea.
Wow, I sound like a stud in Japanese.
Well, wait until you hear yourself in
[in Italian] Italian.
Mamma mia!
Is the whole episode
going to be subtitled?
- Yeah!
- I don't want to read TV.
I want to read my phone while watching TV.
[in English] Well, too bad,
because we're going global, baby.
[triumphant music playing]
You're gonna see people
all around the world
are just like Americans,
completely disgusting.
In fact, there's a young boy
in South Korea
looking to "masturbate his penis"
at this very moment.
SOUTH KOREA
[in Korean]
"So good, you'll suck out every drop."
Oh.
Here's what I'm thinking.
The bottle is your dick,
and the hot lady is
- Sucking out my Chum Churum?
- Yum, yum.
Okay, I have exactly
two minutes and fifteen seconds
before I leave for school.
So stroke that squid!
Ye Joon, eat your breakfast now.
We have to go. You have a very busy day.
Oh, come on! Every day is a busy day.
Don't worry, Bong Man.
I swear on my mom's annoying life
we'll find two minutes and fifteen seconds
to jerk off today.
We better! It's not healthy
to bottle up your boy juice.
That's how my uncle died.
- Really?
- Nah, it was cancer.
One milliliter
is equal to one cubic centimeter
How can you concentrate?
All I can think about is that soju vixen.
I know. Me too.
This flask contains seven hundred
milliliters of sodium sulfate
and I want to suck out every drop.
- Oh.
- Oh boy, I think she's thirsty.
I'm so thirsty.
And so wet.
- Oh, I'm gonna burst.
- Quick! Ask to go to the boys' room!
Uh, Soju Vixen
I mean, Teacher.
I need to go to the bathroom.
[groaning]
[boy] Go away! We're all jerking off!
This is the only time we have!
- [school bell rings]
- No!
No, we'll jerk it after school.
Ye Joon,
the object of your erection is here!
Help, I'm all out of soju,
and I need something else to drink.
I'm literally dying to jerk off,
but Mom and Grandma are right here.
Your mom's busy driving,
and your grandma's brain is gone. Come on!
I guess it could work.
And maybe even be more exciting?
Ew, don't be gross about it.
- [tires screech]
- Oh!
We're here. Go, go, go!
- [tires screech]
- Oh, oh, oh!
[instruments tuning]
Hello, maestro.
- Dear God, she's between my legs!
- [sensual music playing]
Rub her with your desperate little penis!
Ah!
- [Soju Woman moaning]
- Oh, oh, oh, oh!
- [Soju Woman giggling]
- Ah!
[whimpering]
Hello, Ye Joon.
Just let me drain my balls!
[sighs in relief]
Privacy at last.
Yes! I'll get the hand cream.
The good stuff from your mom
with the bee venom in it.
[Ye Joon snoring]
Oh, my precious boy.
I'm gonna give you the biggest,
- squishiest wet dream ever.
- [Ye Joon moaning]
Yeah. Sleep in it, you little piggy.
[ding]
[in English] Okay, I get it now.
So they have puberty in America and Korea.
You stupid fuck!
I told you, they have puberty everywhere.
Hey, I'm not stupid. I'm xenophobic, okay?
Like, here's a young girl in India
who's about to get a very special visitor.
INDIA
[groans, speaking in Hinglish]
What's going on?
It feels like an elephant
is stomping around in my stomach.
- [thudding]
- [grunts] Whoa!
- [elephant trumpets]
- Ah.
What the
- Oh!
- [groans]
That stuff got in all my holes.
I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm your Hormone Monstress, of course.
And I have wonderful news.
[gags]
You are becoming a woman.
Congratulations.
Uh, what does that mean exactly?
It means a million things.
Come, take a ride with me,
and I'll explain it with a song.
The braids have come undone ♪
The young thang has come of age ♪
The basket is now abloom ♪
The little one is now a baddy ♪
Let's throw a party, party
Those hooters have blossomed ♪
Uncles and aunties, aunties ♪
Did you hear? She's come of age.
Big, big, bad, bad
She's a big baddy now ♪
Big, big, bad, bad
She's a big baddy now ♪
On the upper lip ♪
On the lower hip ♪
Hair, hair, hair, hair ♪
Here, there, everywhere ♪
Hair, hair, hair, hair ♪
In the bedroom ♪
In the washroom ♪
Stains, stains, stains, stains ♪
Underwear, under there ♪
Stains, stains, stains, stains ♪
Cheer up, girl ♪
There's some joy in this gloom ♪
Joy in my bum? ♪
Periods are friends ♪
That's why they call them chums ♪
Aunties will distribute sweets ♪
Uncles will give some gifts ♪
No prayers, no temples ♪
Take a break from it all ♪
Don't oil those lamps, oil your scalp ♪
Wash your hair.
Big, big, bad, bad
She's a big baddy now ♪
Big, big, bad, bad
She's a big baddy now ♪
Big, big, bad, bad
She's a big baddy now ♪
Big, big, bad, bad ♪
She's a big baddy now ♪
Oh my God, it's everywhere!
My underwear looks like a crime scene.
Don't worry. It should only last
about five or six days.
Well, that's not so bad.
- Every month.
- Oh.
For the next forty years.
Shit.
Will there at least be
a fun song every time?
No. No, there will not.
[in French] My sweet Connie,
the plight of woman is
- [accordion music playing]
- tragic in every culture.
[in French] Oh damn, I sat on
the Apple remote, and it went in deep.
While I figure out this piece of shit,
let's go to Australia.
[woodwind music playing]
[in English] Damn.
Auntie Deb sure lived hard.
But, uh, she died doing what she loved.
- Yeah, smoking six packs a day.
- Whoa!
Fuck me dead.
Who's the sexy antelope
with the juicy cantaloupes, eh?
- Murray, take it easy, man.
- Oh yeah!
We're at a funeral.
There's literally a dead body right here.
Well, there's a live body
over there, mate,
and she's built like a brick shithouse.
Yeah. That is the best kind of shithouse.
I've never seen him before.
Well, that's what's so great
about funerals.
They bring fresh dick to the mission.
- Elanora!
- What?
You can grieve and be horny
at the same time.
Okay, but even if I did go up to her,
what would I even say?
Tell her she makes you stiffer
than Auntie's Deborah's corpse.
Offer him your condolences,
and a pussy to cry into.
- Bury your dick between her thighs!
- Mount his face!
- Okay! All right!
- Enough!
- I'm just gonna go talk to her.
- I'm just gonna go talk to him.
Oh, my sweet Kara. It's been so long.
- [grunts]
- Ah!
Hey, Adam, wanna play footy?
- [grunts]
- Ah!
- Yeah, uh
- Uh
- So, um, what's doing and that?
- Nothing.
Um, cool pantsuit.
Well, I like your suit
that also has pants.
It's actually three suits
from three different uncles
tied in the back
with my sister's scrunchie.
Now that I've said that out loud,
I'm embarrassed.
Um, I'm Kara. [chuckles]
- Me? I'm Adam.
- Hi, Adam. [chuckles]
- Oy!
- [both scream]
What the bloody hell
do you two think you're doing?
- So sorry! Flirting here is disrespectful.
- We are sorry!
- I won't ever do it ever again. I promise.
- Oh, come on.
I don't give a shit you're flirting.
I'm going off
'cause you little root rats have no game.
- Uh, what do you mean?
- Let me tell you something.
Life's short, so quit
beating around the bush and get it done.
- That's what I've been saying!
- Me too!
So, uh, Kara, do you maybe
wanna get a sandwich from the buffet?
Or we could go behind that water tank
and feel each other up.
- Yes! Legend!
- That's my girl!
Cut down in my prime.
What I wouldn't give for one last fling.
Well, what do you reckon, Elanora?
Should we, uh
Take this ghost behind the water tank
and double team her?
- I thought you'd never ask.
- [Murray laughs]
You know, when you cum in Australia,
it goes up your penis and out your butt
because of the Southern Hemisphere.
- That is incorrect.
- Uh, agree to disagree.
Now, let's head north and west,
to the Middle East.
IRAN
[woman in Farsi]
Nazanin! Wash your sweet parts.
Okay, Maman. I will!
We paid full price for that new bidet.
I told you I will!
- [water spraying]
- Oh! Oh!
Hey there. That felt nice, right?
Yeah, it felt like taking the first bite
of ice cold faloodeh,
but like, on the inside?
Does that make sense?
Mm. So much sense. Wanna go again?
Oh! Hell yeah!
Blast me like one of your French girls.
- [knocking on door]
- [man] Nazy, I have to take a big dump!
Shit, I gotta go.
Grandpa has to take a big dump.
Oh, I see.
Also, are you hungry, mooshi?
I have cucumbers.
- [continues knocking]
- One second, Grandpa.
Do you think there are other things
around the house
that can give me "that feeling"?
I don't know.
I just live here, with the toilet.
But you're young.
You should go out and explore.
Thank you, Bidet.
And I'll always be here,
attached to the plumbing.
Good luck with Grandpa.
[sighs]
Mm, what else here could make me feel
like I have fireworks in my sweet parts?
Nazanin, come straddle my arm.
I think you'll find I'm firm
in all the right places.
Oh, I don't know. You're too fancy.
I wouldn't want to stain or tear you.
You can tear me, honey.
Oh, yikes. You're too gross.
No, thanks.
Mmm, now this is nice.
Oh, I'm so glad.
Yeah, I think just another minute
of thinking about dicks and butts and
Uh-oh!
It's time for the spin cycle!
Oh! You're too rough!
I'm sorry. It hurts me too.
My existence is hell!
Oh my God. Are we really gonna do this?
I know. It's weird.
I was your eighth birthday present.
- I've watched you grow up
- Right.
into a beautiful young woman.
Oh my God, Bike.
Whoa!
Oh shit! This is too crazy!
[grunting]
My fucking sweet parts!
Nazy! Are you okay, Joonam?
Wait. If you're here,
that means the bathroom is free!
[panting]
My bidet.
My Nazanin.
I was worried you wouldn't come back.
Oh, I was a fool. Are you mad at me?
I could never stay mad at you.
It's you. It was always you.
I know. Come to me, my love.
- [water spraying]
- [moaning]
- Oh, my bidet! I love you.
- Oh. Ohh.
- My bidet.
- [sighs]
[in English] Oh, fuck me.
What a beautiful story about a young woman
absolutely power-washing her genitals.
Now, let's go
to the land of itty-bitty bikinis
and big ol' butt lifts,
Brazil.
BRAZIL
[in Portuguese] Oh my God,
isn't Gonçalo so hot?
Yeah, but he's not six-hour-bus-trip hot.
I can't believe we have to drive
all the way to São Paulo
just so you can have your first gay kiss.
Could you imagine what would happen
if somebody told my family
they saw me kissing a boy?
Oh, well, they'd disown you,
like they did to your gay uncle, Homo.
That's not his name.
That's just what my mom calls him.
Right, because your mom is a bigot.
But she's so pretty.
Dude, it's been two hours.
I don't think Gonçalo's coming.
He told me he'd be here
in front of the big weird McDonald's,
so he'll be here.
That's how internet strangers work.
Maybe he chickened out?
Got afraid somebody he knows
would see him with a guy?
Rafael? Carlos?
Mayra, hi.
What are you two assholes doing here?
We're just here to get some French fries.
Yeah, at this big weird McDonald's
that looks like
the American White House for some reason.
Mm-mm. Wait a minute.
Two boys acting sneaky
wearing skinny jeans?
You two are gay!
Who? Us? No! We love futebol!
And floppy boobs?
The floppier, the better.
Relax.
I'm gayer than both of you put together
and shoved up each other's butts.
- Really?
- Rafael was supposed to meet a boy here,
but he stood him up.
He still might come.
He's not coming!
Mayra, what should two young gay boys
on a budget do in São Paulo?
Oh, so you wanna be gay, huh?
So gay!
Then grab your dicks and follow me.
This is Frei Caneca Street.
It's the place to be
if you're queer, curious,
or just want
a cheap knockoff Louis Vuitton bag.
Gonçalo's still not responding, João.
Who cares, man? Look around!
The colors, the people, the fanny packs.
[dance music playing]
It's like we've died
and gone to a gay Churrascaria,
and it's all-you-can-eat penis!
Wow.
Forget about Gonçalo.
You're missing everything.
Whoa! Mayra's making out
with an entire beach volleyball team.
Okay, you bump me, you set me,
and then you spike me.
Come on! Let's dance
like fabulous queer men on a budget.
Okay, fine. I'm coming.
Isn't this great?
Yeah. But I never got my first kiss.
Ugh, stop whining, dude.
You want a first kiss? Here!
[both moan]
[crowd cheering]
I hope Gonçalo shows up now,
because I unapologetically love drama.
Okay, now that was a hot first kiss.
This is so magical, and look.
Everyone from the big weird McDonald's
showed up.
Okay, I'm gonna let the Hamburglar
pull my G-string to the side
and do whatever the fuck he wants.
- [in English] Where to next, Connie?
- Well, you know how in America
- Greatest country in the world!
- we have regular, boring-ass buses?
Greatest buses in the world!
Well, in Kenya,
their buses are called matatus.
And some of them are so tricked out
with funky lights and loud music,
it's like a disco on wheels.
KENYA
[bass beat pulsing]
[in Kenyanese]
All right, make room, everybody!
Right this way, baby.
[gasps] That matatu looks so fun.
It's got cool music.
And look at those cute boys!
I think you're ready
to stop looking and start riding.
I don't know.
Come on!
Now that your boobs have finally come out,
they should be bouncing around
that fuck bus.
I mean, I guess I do feel kinda sexy.
- [giggling]
- That's what I'm talking about. Now come.
Let's squeeze ourselves
into the matatu with those matitties!
Okay, but we can't let my grandma
see me like this.
Of course, darling.
I'll be back soon, Grandma.
Okay, my dear. Stay out of trouble.
Little does she know, you are the trouble.
[laughs]
Quick, squeeze your nipples
so they're extra pointy.
Ooh, hey. This way, pretty lady.
No, follow me.
Oh my God, I feel like Beyoncé.
Sweetheart,
Beyoncé would never ride a bus.
It's even cooler than I imagined.
- And all the boys are looking at me.
- Of course they are.
- Your nipples are like drill bits.
- [woman] Sharon?
- What do you think you're doing?
- Grandma?
Where are your manners?
Have you no class?
Have you no shame?
Who are you?
I'm your Shame Wizard, of course.
What do you want from me?
There's nothing
a disgusting slut like you could offer me.
Hey! She is not a disgusting slut.
She is a sexy slut.
Suck on an exhaust pipe and die,
you sex monster!
[bones crack] Aah!
- Nichi!
- Look at you, putting on a skin show,
showing off your wanton bosom
for dirty boys to ogle.
I wasn't. I was just
Bringing shame to your family? Agreed!
Sharon, how did we wrong you?
And to your country.
You're a national disgrace.
[in English]
I, too, am deeply disappointed. Deeply.
Don Cheadle? But you're not even Kenyan.
I don't have to be Kenyan to be disgusted
by your slutty, slutty slut face. [sniffs]
- Oh God. I'm sorry, Don Cheadle.
- [sobbing]
[in Kenyanese] Stop the bus, please!
I need to get off!
[wicked laughter]
- [sobbing]
- Sharon?
What's wrong, my dear?
Grandma, I'm a disgusting whore
and a national disgrace.
She made Don Cheadle weep.
What?
I rode a matatu, and I wore this.
Grandma, I'm so ashamed.
Oh, my dear child.
I'm so sorry.
Owning the sexiness of your womanhood
is nothing to be ashamed of.
- For real?
- Trust me.
- Grandma!
- A family of skanks.
I finished knitting it this morning.
And, you know, it's been so long
since I've been on a matatu.
- [dance music playing]
- [laughter]
Damn! Your grandma's got moves.
I didn't know
she was such a cool old lady.
Enjoy shaking your bum for now,
but I'll be back.
[chuckles]
Whenever you feel bloated,
whenever you let a fart
escape your slutty little hole,
I'll be back.
Well, you have to leave
to come back, girl, so
[screaming]
- Bye-bye!
- Goodbye!
[Sharon laughs]
[in English] Oh man, I can't believe
we got Academy Award winner Lupita Nyong'o
to say, "slutty little hole."
Oh, don't be such a prude, Maury.
In other countries,
people talk about sex very openly.
These guys are Snippa and Snopp.
- [in Swedish] Hello.
- Nice to meet you.
[in English]
They're anthropomorphic genitals
from a kids' show in Sweden.
What? From a kids' show?
That's disgusting.
Not for those perverts in Sweden,
it's not.
SWEDEN
[doorbell rings]
[in Swedish] Okay, Astrid's here!
Oh, Niklas, we're so excited
to finally meet your girlfriend.
Ooh! Perhaps Astrid
will be your first sexual experience?
Which we, of course,
encourage you to do under our roof.
Okay, look at me, you two.
Be fucking cool. Okay?
You got it, dude.
Oh yeah. So fucking cool, man.
They are gonna ruin my night.
'Sup, Astrid.
This is my father, Doctor Ambjörn,
and my mother, Doctor Ambjörn.
- They came with the house.
- [laughs] Thank you for having me.
Oh, Astrid, you are so respectful.
I can see why Niklas
is infatuated with you.
Mama!
I think his nervousness is an indication
he hopes to open mouth kiss you.
If you would enjoy that, Astrid.
[giggles] Oh, I might.
Can we please just eat?
Yes, of course.
You cannot satisfy each other
on an empty stomach. Mmm.
[groans]
So, how do you two intend
to sexually explore each other tonight?
- Uh [laughs]
- Pappa! They're joking.
I don't mind. My parents are Norwegian.
They don't even know
how to pleasure themselves.
[laughter]
Oh, Norwegians.
I should call your mother and recommend
small circular motions on her clitoris.
- Mamma!
- Niklas, there's nothing to be ashamed of.
Sex is a natural part of life.
Please, please, please stop.
Astrid, do you know
the importance of foreplay?
Mmm, foreplay should last
at least as long as it takes
for your partner's lingonberry
to become engorged.
What the fuck?!
Some people mistakenly believe
you need to spell out the alphabet
- on the clitoris with your tongue.
- [laughing]
But Mamma's genitals just like it
when I spell ABBA over and over.
Okay. That's enough.
- And once Mamma is sufficiently wet
- And Pappa's penis is stiff with blood
- [Niklas groans]
- it is time to unfurl the prophylactic
so insertion may begin.
- Stop it!
- Stop what?
Methodically describing sex!
[groans] Why can't you be ashamed
like Norwegian parents?
Niklas, it's totally cool.
No, it's not. They're freaks.
We're just trying to educate you.
Well, you're ruining my date!
Actually, you're ruining it.
Ugh, I didn't realize
you were so very repressed, Niklas.
I guess I'll just have to go home
and make small circular motions
on my clitoris by myself.
But Astrid, wait!
Hey, man, sorry I'm late.
I was making small circular motions
on my butthole,
and I just lost track of time.
- You know how it is, baby.
- [groans]
[crickets chirping]
[in English] Ladies and gentle-thems,
up next, we have a very special treat.
That's right, baby.
I am here with a lit firecracker up my ass
for the Fourth of July.
Not you, Rick!
I meant we got Lin-Manuel Miranda
to write us a song about pubies.
Well then, why did I stick
a rocket up my ass?
- [screaming]
- [firecrackers streaming]
[melancholy electronic music playing]
[in Spanish] My grandfather ♪
Has hair ♪
Everywhere ♪
Everywhere ♪
My uncle Pedro ♪
He leaves hair ♪
In the tub ♪
And clogs the tub ♪
- My cousin Chiqui ♪
- Chiqui ♪
- In her bikini ♪
- Kiki ♪
Hair pokes out ♪
It looks like springtime ♪
- And I stay ♪
- Stay ♪
Before my mirror ♪
Imagining ♪
What I don't see ♪
Here waiting for little hairs ♪
Below my bellybutton, but no ♪
Here waiting for little hairs ♪
In my own nest, but no ♪
Oh God, when will it get here? ♪
Almost the whole world has it ♪
I check below the penis ♪
And only find my balls ♪
Waiting for little hairs
Here in my little room ♪
Tell me, when will you arrive? ♪
Yow!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
I'm finally here
And bringing the party ♪
Like an astronaut on the moon ♪
Here on virgin territory ♪
And I bring good fortune ♪
A snake in the Garden of Eden ♪
The Garden of Eden ♪
The first little gift in Bethlehem ♪
Oh my goodness, poor thing
Checking his peepee and little balls ♪
They look tiny ♪
Now innocence ends ♪
Yah, yah, yah, yah ♪
And the party starts, hey ♪
And here comes the evidence ♪
Yah, yah, yah, yah
And the party starts, hey ♪
Hair down, hair up ♪
Hair on the chest, hair on the belly ♪
Hair for free, don't pay a toll ♪
Hair, not Pelé
He plays in FIFA ♪
And I am the curvy hair
That grows next to the left tit ♪
And I am the prettiest hair ♪
That grows out of your asshole
And traps your shit ♪
And I am the straight hair
In your unibrow ♪
Super long and ugly ♪
And we are the hair in your perineum
But we always smell like farts ♪
- Olé ♪
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
- Olé ♪
- Look at this little kid ♪
He already looks like a little man ♪
Now innocence ends ♪
Look at this little kid ♪
He already looks like a little man ♪
Now begins adolescence ♪
Look at his little mustache ♪
He already looks like a little man ♪
Oh God, when will it get here? ♪
Almost the whole world has it ♪
I check below the penis ♪
[sighs]
Waiting for little hairs ♪
Here in my little room ♪
Little hair, when will you arrive? ♪
[in English] My God,
what a journey we've taken.
And, I mean, this probably
hasn't occurred to you, Connie,
but puberty actually happens
all over the world.
Uh-huh.
And even though we may be different
in so many ways,
we're all very gross in the same ways.
Well, no shit.
I said that way in the beginning,
even before that horny Korean boy
skeeted all over his bedspread.
Hey, people of the world!
Everyone watching at home
or on their phone while driving a Lyft!
Let's all come together. Literally!
Maury, are you suggesting
That's right, Connie.
The world's biggest orgy.
- Yeah! Let's fuck for world peace.
- [all cheering]
And then let's order a pizza!
[chattering, moaning]
Oh yeah. This is weird.
Is that Don Cheadle?
Only in America, Nick. Only in America.
[in Spanish] Hair down, hair up ♪
Hair on the chest, hair on the belly ♪
Hair for free, don't pay a toll ♪
Hair, not Pelé
He plays in FIFA ♪
And I am the curvy hair
That grows next to the left tit ♪
And I am the prettiest hair ♪
That grows out of your asshole
And traps your shit ♪
And I am the straight hair
In your unibrow ♪
Super long and ugly ♪
And we are the hair in your perineum
But we always smell like farts ♪
- Olé ♪
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
- Olé ♪
- Look at this little kid ♪
He already looks like a little man ♪
Now innocence ends ♪
Look at this little kid ♪
He already looks like a little man ♪
Now begins adolescence ♪
Hey, hey ♪
[melancholy electronic music playing]
[Miguelito]
Oh God, when will it get here? ♪
Almost the whole world has it ♪
I check below the penis ♪
[sighs]
Waiting for little hairs ♪
Here in my little room ♪
Tell me, when will you arrive? ♪
[song ends]
Chirp.