Dad's Army (1968) s07e06 Episode Script
Turkey Dinner
Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Well, there it is.
How'd you like it? -Oh, yes.
Yes, that's much better.
-Hasn't he done it well, sir? I couldn't make the name any bigger or it wouldn't go on the board.
No, no.
That's quite adequate.
Of course, I could have done tall, thin letters but that wouldn't be right.
Why not? Oh, no, no.
I like the lettering on the outside of the door to be in keeping with the person sitting in the desk behind.
So I've done little, short, fat letters.
Thank you very much, Mr Bluett.
Right, sir.
The men are ready for inspection, sir.
Right, I'll finish this later.
This is my speech for the Rotary dinner.
I am to be the guest speaker, you know.
-Are you really? How very exciting for you, sir.
-Yes.
-Are the men in good heart? -Well, as a matter of fact, they seem to be, you know, just a little bit quiet.
Oh, really? I'll soon put that right.
Now, I've been reading a book lately called Great Leaders of Men.
And, you know, Wilson, there's one thing that they all had in common.
Yes? Before their men went into battle, they used to tell them a joke.
Ah.
We're not going into battle, are we? We are on the frontline every minute of our lives here.
Squad, squad, hut! Stand at ease! I'm sorry, sir.
I didn't know you'd started.
Well, now, pay attention.
In view of the long night ahead of us, I thought that I would relieve the proceedings by cheering you up with a little anecdote.
And when I've finished, you have my permission to laugh in the ranks.
How nice.
Don't anticipate it, Godfrey.
Take that smile off your face.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
Now, it appears that there were three tommies, a Welshman, an Englishman and a Scotsman.
Hold on! Hold on, Captain Mainwaring, hold on.
I hope this is not another of these stupid jokes about kilts.
Clearly, sir, as a Scot, I am sick and tired of hearing stupid Sassenach jokes that make a mock of us.
After all, we don't make jokes about bowler hats.
Would you be quiet, Frazer? It has nothing to do with kilts.
-Where was I up to? -A Welshman, an Englishman and a Scotsman, sir.
Oh, yes.
Now, it seems that these three tommies were sitting in their mess hall and the Englishman said to the Scotsman, ''Pass the semolina pudding.
'' And the Scotsman said, '' No, I won't.
'' The Englishman said, ''Why not?'' And the Scotsman said, ''Because it states quite clearly in KIng's RegulatIons ''never help another soldier to desert.
'' Dessert, you see.
Well, you can laugh.
I thought that would cheer you up.
That's put them in a good mood.
Oh, yes, of course, sir.
I'm sure it's cheered them up no end.
A tip worth knowing that, you know, Wilson.
When you're handling men, always know when to unbend.
-I'll remember that, sir.
-Right.
-Captain Mainwaring.
-Yes.
What happened to the Welsh soldier? Perhaps he didn't like semolina.
Permission to speak, sir.
Permission to speak, sir.
I hope you don't think 'cause we didn't laugh very much, we was casting aspersions on your joke-telling, sir.
It wasn't that at all.
-No, you told it quite well, really.
-Oh, yes, indeed.
Very good it was, man.
After the parade, I shall write it down and send it to RadIo Fun.
They'll pay half a crown for a joke like that.
Or five bob if it's a good one.
It's just that, at the moment, sir, we're not much in the mood for merrymaking and horseplay.
Oh, come, come.
That's not like an old soldier.
Tommy Atkins was always one for a laugh.
Even when he was up to his chin in mud.
You're right there, sir.
We did a lot of laughing in the mud in the last war.
We was doing it nearly all the time.
Except when we got shot.
But tonight is different, sir.
We've been wrestling with our consciences and Over an incident what occurred last night, sir, and my section and me, sir, we'd like to take you into a private place and reveal something, sir.
Well, surely it will be soon enough after the parade, won't it? You're quite right, Captain.
Quite right.
I tell you here and now, he's making a flagpole out of a matchstick.
And bringing you into it, well, it's only making things 1 0 times worse.
No, it's only fair, Mr Frazer.
I mean, after all, Captain Mainwaring's the one who'll be court-martialled.
What's that? Court-martialled? I think, Jones, your section had better come into the office.
-You'd better come too, Wilson.
-All right.
Frank, Frank, what on earth have you all been doing? Well, if I tell you, will you promise not to tell Mum? -Of course not.
No.
-Well Yes? No, I can't.
It's a secret.
Right, come along.
Settle down.
Now what's all this about? Well, sir.
It's like this, sir.
We It was very cold out on patrol last night, wasn't it, lads? -Oh, yes.
Freezing.
-Oh, yes.
I knew you wouldn't want us to get a chill, sir, so I took my lads into the Horse and Groom.
Made sure everyone got a tot of rum down them, sir.
I know you'd have done the same thing in my position, sir.
I very much doubt that, Jones.
You know my views on alcohol.
Yes, sir, well, we hadn't been out on patrol again for 1 0 minutes when Mr Cheeseman here, he started shivering.
Well, you know what it is when you got the nadgers, boy.
You shiver all over, isn't it? I knew you wouldn't want a guest of the platoon Anything to happen to them, sir.
Especially not a newspaper press correspondent and reporter, sir.
So I took him into the King's Head.
And it's just as well I did 'cause after he'd downed a couple, he was right as ninepence.
I only had one in there.
Well, when we come out, sir, out the King's Head, just passing the Goat and Compasses and the landlord, he come out and said he heard a bit of a rumbling down below.
So I sent a couple of men down with hand grenades and the rest of us stood by to give them covering fire.
Whereabouts? Two in the saloon, the rest of us in the snug.
-Well, you did quite right to tell me about this.
-Yes.
And providing you promise that it won't occur again, I shall overlook it this time.
Uh-uh.
The man's not finished.
You mean there's more? Yes, sir.
When we come out, sir, it got a bit embarrassing, sir.
If it's embarrassing, you don't want to hear about it, do you, sir? Yes, I certainly do want to hear about it.
Go on.
It was I, sir.
I'm afraid I became rather embarrassing.
You, Godfrey? I'm afraid so, sir.
I started to sing rather raucously.
It was a song about a monk.
Oh, well, as long as it was a religious song.
This one was not religious, no.
About a monk of high renown.
I see.
Go on.
I didn't realise that monks of high renown were all wicked like that, did you All right, Frank.
Stop it.
Just stop it.
Stop it.
Well, I knew you wouldn't want Mr Godfrey to, you know, make an exhibition of himself, sir.
So I took him inside to sober up, sir.
Inside the Red Lion that was.
Mind you, while he was sobering up, the rest of us had hardly anything to drink at all.
Hardly anything at all, sir.
Yes.
You see, it was after that that it got a bit more embarrassing, sir.
You're quite sure you want to hear about it, sir? Will you be quiet, Wilson? Well, see, a man come in and said there was something going on in a haystack, you see, sir, and I said, in jocular fashion, ''Well, there's lots of things go on in haystacks.
'' Aye, well, it's like that Bronwyn Jones, the fat Welsh girl, who used to wash the glasses on a Saturday night.
She spent half her life in that haystack.
They used to call her ''The Welcome in the Valley.
'' Cheeseman, keep quiet, for heaven's sake.
You see, well, all jocular thoughts went straight out of my head when I realised I was a soldier.
It was my duty to go out and investigate, sir.
Well, I'm glad somebody came to their senses at last.
Yes, and then I sobered up quick as a flash.
Not that I was drunk, mind.
But the thought of encountering a huge, storming, parachuting German paratrooper, sir, possibly disguised as a nun That set a whole cold shiver down my spine, sir.
But I rallied my men, sir.
We went out in the murky night.
And we fixed bayonets, sir.
I wasn't at all frightened.
No, I think that gin and cider and whisky must give you courage, don't you, Mr Frazer? Wheesht, wheesht.
Just Anyway, sir, we were just going near the haystack when something flutters up.
You know, I was very alert by now, sir, and my reflections was very good.
-All of a sudden, I raised my rifle and I shot it.
-What? You don't mean you You don't mean you shot Bronwyn Jones? No, no, it was a great, big enormous turkey.
It's plucked and in my fridge.
I can hardly believe my ears.
That my platoon should go out on a drunken rampage like this from pub to pub.
Like these comic stories that chap on the wireless tells.
Who, Robb Wilton? (MIMICKING ROBB WILTON) ''The day war broke out'' -Pike! Be quiet! -WILSON: Frank! Frank! You should all be on a charge.
And you're getting far too cheeky, boy.
I'll speak to your mother about you.
That's not fair.
I'm being victimised because of my youth.
Why don't you have a word with Mr Jones' mother? You leave my mother out of this.
My mother's gone to another place.
-I'm sorry, Mr Jones.
-Angmering.
-How many people know about this? -Not many.
She wasn't a woman that I'm not talking about your mother! I'm talking about this drunken rampage.
Nobody knows but us, sir.
So I say, we should eat the turkey and hold our tongues.
Oh, no.
Not at all.
There's only one place that bird could have come from and that's the North Barrington Turkey Farm.
Now you're all going to apologise to Mr Boggis, and you're going to have to pay for that bird.
I say.
I say, excuse me.
-Is Mr Boggis about? -It's Wednesday.
-What did he say? -He says it's Wednesday.
-We'll have to humour him, I suppose.
-Yes.
I wonder if it's possible to speak to your master.
I just told you.
It's Wednesday.
The man's obviously a fool.
-Well, it's Wednesday.
-Don't you start.
-It's market day.
-Has he gone to market? That's right.
It's Wednesday.
This is getting us nowhere.
Have you lost a turkey? Hard to say, isn't it? My men have accidentally killed one.
We think it must have come from here.
We'd like to pay you for it.
Will you give this money to Mr Boggis when he returns, and ask him to accept our sincere apologies? Oh, no.
Mr Boggis wouldn't want me to take no money.
It might not be his turkey.
Well, there's nobody else in the district keeps them.
It must be one of yours.
That wouldn't be good enough for Mr Boggis.
Not unless he knew one of ours was missing.
-Well, how many should there be? -Two hundred and ten.
One, two, three, four -One, two, three -Jones, that's no good.
It'll take years.
We could count 30 each.
That's a good idea, Pike.
Now listen, everybody.
We're all going to count 30 turkeys each.
Right? It'll not work at all.
Wilson, Wilson.
Well, get on with it.
You are part of this platoon, you know.
Well, how do we know we're not counting the same turkeys? Took you a long time to spot that one, didn't it? Captain Mainwaring, why don't we put a dab of paint on each turkey as we count? Mr Boggis wouldn't like that.
He don't like people painting his turkeys.
My sister Dolly has a lot of hoopla rings we use at the church fete.
If we put one on each one of the turkeys, we'd know which ones have been counted.
That's a very good idea, Godfrey.
-Shall I nip and fetch them? -Yes, run along.
Now, men, you have each got 42 rings.
On the command ''move'', I want you to place a ring over a turkey's head.
If there's a ring over at the end, it means that one turkey is missing.
Right.
Off you go.
Give us a ring.
I say, don't do that.
Mr Mainwaring, all their heads are not up, so we can't put the rings on.
I suppose we'll have to wait till the turkeys finish lunch.
Well, all the rings were used up -so it didn't come from there.
-Yes.
-Point is, what are we going to do next? -Well, sir, it's Jonesy shot it.
I mean, I suppose it rightfully belongs to him.
No, no, he was on duty.
He was wearing one of my uniforms, carrying one of my rifles.
And he fired one of my bullets.
I see, but does that mean you're bagging it, sir? No, it doesn't mean I'm bagging it.
-Not all of it anyway.
-In that case, I bags it.
I'm afraid you can't do that.
You see, I bags it first.
But you said you didn't want it.
Anyway, you didn't use the word bags, you see, so it doesn't count.
Now don't start any of that public school cheating with me.
-I bags first, that's all.
-But I said (KNOCKING ON DOOR) -There's no doubt about it at all.
-Come in.
-Yes, what is it? -Captain Mainwaring, sir.
My section and me, sir, we've been having a heart-to-heart think and we are very askance at what we done, sir, and we come to the conclusion that with our ill-gotten gains, we are going to give a nice turkey dinner to the old-age pensioners.
Hear that, Wilson? -Trust our chaps to come up trumps in the end.
-Yes, I I think on the face of it, it seems to me to be a very good idea.
-A capital idea.
-Yes.
Be a night to remember.
But it must be organised properly.
Now, Wilson, I want you to set up a turkey dinner general purposes committee.
All right, sir.
And I bags chairman.
Now, in order to speed our deliberations, I've made a short list of the elements that have to come together to make a successful turkey dinner.
Cor, trust him to make it long-winded.
Now, first of all we have the turkey which Corporal Jones's section has provided.
I heard about that.
What did you do? Fix bayonets and charge? Don't you start, Mr Hodges.
Don't you start.
He's a troublemaker, he is, sir.
I don't understand why he has to be here at all.
Mr Hodges had booked the hall for this evening.
It's only because he released it that you could have this meeting at all.
I think we ought to propose a vote of thanks to Mr Hodges, don't you, Your Reverence? No, I don't, and please sit down otherwise we shall be here all night.
Now, when times were different, of course, turkey dinners would also include bacon, sausages, vegetables, roast potatoes, bread sauce, and last but not least, gravy.
Did you save the giblets? It makes lovely gravy, giblets does, with a pinch of salt.
-Yes, I think we saved the giblets.
-Course I saved the giblets.
Well, let's all give a vote of thanks to Mr Jones for saving the giblets.
-Don't you start, don't you start.
-All right, all right.
-Uncle Arthur.
-What? What's giblets? Really, it's the inside of the turkey, isn't it? It's the liver, the kidneys and all that, you know, and the what-do-you-call-it, the gizzard, all that sort of thing.
I don't want gravy made out of that.
Don't be so silly, Frank.
You've had it dozens of times.
Well, I wouldn't have if I'd known.
My sister Dolly won't boil the giblets.
She says the smell makes the Pekingese too excited.
You know, that's very funny, now, because my cat is like that about kippers.
You know, it makes him jump around and run about and Can we get on? Yes, I quite agree, don't let's get tied up with giblets at this stage of the affair.
We ought now to select someone, a volunteer preferably to cook the turkey.
My mum could cook it.
Mum can cook anything, can't she, Uncle Arthur? -Well, answer the boy.
-Yes, of course, of course she can, Frank.
Of course she can.
Well, Mrs Fox is the finest cook what I've ever come across.
Haven't I always said you were the finest cook, Mrs Fox? Well, you've always been very nice about my dumplings.
Perhaps we should put it to the vote.
All those in favour of Mrs Pike's cooking the turkey? One, two, three, four Mrs Fox.
Well, a tie.
In that case, I shall give the casting vote to Mrs Fox.
Well, that's nice, isn't it? -You didn't even put your hand up, Arthur.
-Now look, Mavis, you see I didn't want you to have to go through all that trouble, you see.
That's nice, isn't it? Nice way to thank you, isn't it? She give you her egg for breakfast this morning.
Mavis Wilson, Wilson, will you please address your remarks through the chair? Right.
Through the chair I did not know it was Mrs Pike's egg.
Can we get on? I hope she won't make it dry.
My pensioners don't like it dry.
Turkey can be very dry.
I second that.
Oh, be quiet, Mr Yeatman.
When we was in the Sudan, we cooked an ostrich once, but that wasn't dry, 'cause we boiled it in General Kitchener's bath.
In the morning, when he come to do his ablutions, he sent for his bath man.
He said, ''Come in, my man.
''What is this ring of dirt doing round my bath? ''That isn't a ring of dirt, sir, that is ostrich fat.
'' And he gave him seven days field confinement for impertinence.
But he told the truth, didn't he? Doesn't always do to tell the truth, you know All right, all right, thank you.
Thank you very much.
What do we do next? Sir, stuff it.
Something to say, Frazer? Stuff it, sir.
Stuff it, sir.
You'll need to stuff it with parsley and thyme or maybe chestnuts.
Very well, then.
Thyme and parsley it is.
Perhaps you'd like to undertake that task, Mrs Pike? -Of course.
-Right, that's decided, then.
My wife makes very tasty parsley-and-thyme stuffing.
Yes, thank you, Mr Yeatman.
We just decided that Mrs Pike is going to do the stuffing.
It's not what you know, it's who you know.
Bread sauce, you must have bread sauce, boy.
It makes turkey go down a fair treat, it does.
Yes, indeed.
Yes, especially if it's dry.
-But it's not going to be dry.
-Yes, Mrs Fox makes beautiful bread sauce.
There shouldn't be too much onion in the bread sauce.
Onion isn't good for old people.
Make them excited, do it? Like the Pekingese? Don't you start being rude to Mr Godfrey.
He's a very wise man.
Here, and another thing, Napoleon.
Is Corporal Jones serving the turkey as a home guard or eating it as a pensioner? That's it.
I've had enough.
(ALL SHOUTING) -Yes, yes, yes, all right, sir.
All right, sir.
-Sit, sit.
It's no Sit.
Sit.
Now with the exception of Mr Bluett, we shall all be serving of course.
I shall supervise, but I'm afraid I shall have to leave a little early on that night because I am guest speaker at the Rotary dinner.
-So that's why you sent your tickets back.
-Quiet, Frank.
However, we can't do anything about serving the bird, of course, before it's cooked, so we mustn't leap ahead too fast.
Too fast? Cor blimey, you'll only be halfway through talking before it's time to bung the bird in the oven.
-Can we turn our attention to the gravy? -Oh, my wife makes good gravy.
Oh, damn, aye.
Everything else is burnt to a cinder.
But the gravy, you've never tasted anything like it.
-Life has its compensations, that's what I say.
-Oh, Lord.
-Can we get on? -We are getting on, Wilson.
Right, we'll put Mrs Cheeseman down, then, to make the gravy.
-Righto, boy.
-Right.
Now that brings me to the vegetables.
Vegetables pose rather a bigger problem, if I may say so.
Not only on account of their availability, but because of the sheer bulk of material involved.
There'll always be an England WhIle there's a country That's it.
There you are, love.
Oh, thank you, Mr Frazer.
Now, then.
You're putting too many on, you know.
It won't go round.
Well, according to my calculations, we've only got four more to serve, sir.
Don't splash, I don't want any on my tails.
So sorry, sir, but the way you've got yourself covered up, I don't think there's much chance of that.
There we are, boy, there we are.
There's too much onion in it in spite of my warning.
Aye, and the gravy's too thick.
Reminds me of when I was a wee laddie on the wild and lonely Isle of Barra.
My mother made gravy.
It was thin and weak.
And my father used to belt us regular as clockwork every night.
But it made men of us.
Come on, hurry up, the first ones'll be finished before the last ones are served.
-Are you eating? -What if I am? This is for the old people, not for you.
Well, it's only a bit of old skin.
-Mr Mainwaring, sir, it's Mr Bluett, sir.
-What's the matter with it? He wonders if you can put it through the mincer.
We haven't got a mincer here.
-Cut it up for him.
-Right.
Very good, sir.
Mr Mainwaring, some of them are asking what's happened to the parson's nose.
Now, look here, Pike.
I can't be bothered with details like that.
I've got 32 dinners to serve.
Only asked.
Incidentally, it is missing, but I thought I'd turn a blind eye to it.
Captain Mainwaring, this whole affair is not well organised at all.
They all started to eat as soon as their plates arrived.
Well, of course.
Otherwise it would go cold.
But it's not right.
Before I even started to say, ''For what we are about to receive,'' half of them had received it.
I'm not having that.
He's got all white meat.
I haven't got any.
Oh, well, we'll soon put that to rights.
There you are.
There's a bit of white meat I can't eat that.
It's been on his plate.
Mr Jones, Mr Jones.
Mrs Garstang says have you got anything else 'cause she doesn't eat turkey.
Well, if she doesn't like turkey, she shouldn't come to a turkey dinner, should she? No.
Well, there we are, that's the last one.
Good.
My goodness me, sir, you really do look awfully smart.
-Well, after all, I am the guest speaker.
-Yes.
Just because there's a war on, we can't let our standards drop, can we? No.
Do you do you think I should go and say a few words of welcome before I go? Well, sir, I really think you ought to let them digest their turkey first.
Oh, no.
That would make me late for the Rotary dinner.
I'll go see them.
How you getting on, Hodges? All right? -Hello, Mrs Slater, enjoying yourself? -Oh, thank you, Mr Mainwaring.
Salt.
Salt.
Gravy's got no salt in it.
Hey, can I have some salt, please, waiter? Mr Mainwaring, Mr McCully says are there any seconds? You stupid boy.
Look what you've done.
I'm not stupid.
Whoever put the gravy on the side of the plate's stupid, not me.
This is the only shirt I've got.
Excuse me, sir, there's some blotting paper in the office.
I'll go and get that.
That will take it off.
I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring, if I got gravy all over your dicky.
It is not a dicky, Pike.
There you are, sir.
Now you Just you try this, sir.
-Careful, Wilson.
-There you are, sir, there you are.
It's much better.
Much, much better, you see? You can hardly notice it.
Oh, look, you got a little mark on your dicky, Mr Mainwaring.
It is not a dicky, he said so.
Well, never mind.
I know, we'll put a little bit of white enamel paint on that.
And that won't notice and it will stop it from obtruding, won't it? -More gravy wanted for the top table.
-All right, won't be a minute.
-Now, do it very carefully.
-There we are.
There we are.
There.
That's right.
There.
See, there, that doesn't show now, does it? Oh, really, Jones.
Anyone got any black paint? No.
This is ridiculous.
I can't get on my feet as the guest speaker -with paint all over my tails.
-I've got some at home, sir.
Well, they wouldn't fit, Uncle Arthur.
Not somebody as round as Mr Mainwaring.
I think I have the answer, sir.
Why don't you pretend you hurt your arm and make a sling out of your scarf? Good idea, son.
That'll cover up the mark a treat.
Yes, go on, you give it a try, Mr Mainwaring.
That'll make you look very, very brave during your speech.
Jones is right, you know, sir.
I mean, if you wince, you know, every now and again you'll get twice the applause at the end.
That's right, sir, there you are.
Nobody will ever know.
-Yes, and you look very brave, Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes, well, I'm really very cross.
However, just like our boys to show resourcefulness in an emergency.
Help me on with my coat.
Good luck, sir.
-Thank you.
-And don't you worry.
You look fine.
-Good luck, Mr Mainwaring.
-Thank you.
Where's my hat? And I'm not a stupid boy, am I? No, no.
No, I'm very sorry about that, Pike.
Here, you bringing that gravy or aren't you? You stupid boy.
.
2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Well, there it is.
How'd you like it? -Oh, yes.
Yes, that's much better.
-Hasn't he done it well, sir? I couldn't make the name any bigger or it wouldn't go on the board.
No, no.
That's quite adequate.
Of course, I could have done tall, thin letters but that wouldn't be right.
Why not? Oh, no, no.
I like the lettering on the outside of the door to be in keeping with the person sitting in the desk behind.
So I've done little, short, fat letters.
Thank you very much, Mr Bluett.
Right, sir.
The men are ready for inspection, sir.
Right, I'll finish this later.
This is my speech for the Rotary dinner.
I am to be the guest speaker, you know.
-Are you really? How very exciting for you, sir.
-Yes.
-Are the men in good heart? -Well, as a matter of fact, they seem to be, you know, just a little bit quiet.
Oh, really? I'll soon put that right.
Now, I've been reading a book lately called Great Leaders of Men.
And, you know, Wilson, there's one thing that they all had in common.
Yes? Before their men went into battle, they used to tell them a joke.
Ah.
We're not going into battle, are we? We are on the frontline every minute of our lives here.
Squad, squad, hut! Stand at ease! I'm sorry, sir.
I didn't know you'd started.
Well, now, pay attention.
In view of the long night ahead of us, I thought that I would relieve the proceedings by cheering you up with a little anecdote.
And when I've finished, you have my permission to laugh in the ranks.
How nice.
Don't anticipate it, Godfrey.
Take that smile off your face.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
Now, it appears that there were three tommies, a Welshman, an Englishman and a Scotsman.
Hold on! Hold on, Captain Mainwaring, hold on.
I hope this is not another of these stupid jokes about kilts.
Clearly, sir, as a Scot, I am sick and tired of hearing stupid Sassenach jokes that make a mock of us.
After all, we don't make jokes about bowler hats.
Would you be quiet, Frazer? It has nothing to do with kilts.
-Where was I up to? -A Welshman, an Englishman and a Scotsman, sir.
Oh, yes.
Now, it seems that these three tommies were sitting in their mess hall and the Englishman said to the Scotsman, ''Pass the semolina pudding.
'' And the Scotsman said, '' No, I won't.
'' The Englishman said, ''Why not?'' And the Scotsman said, ''Because it states quite clearly in KIng's RegulatIons ''never help another soldier to desert.
'' Dessert, you see.
Well, you can laugh.
I thought that would cheer you up.
That's put them in a good mood.
Oh, yes, of course, sir.
I'm sure it's cheered them up no end.
A tip worth knowing that, you know, Wilson.
When you're handling men, always know when to unbend.
-I'll remember that, sir.
-Right.
-Captain Mainwaring.
-Yes.
What happened to the Welsh soldier? Perhaps he didn't like semolina.
Permission to speak, sir.
Permission to speak, sir.
I hope you don't think 'cause we didn't laugh very much, we was casting aspersions on your joke-telling, sir.
It wasn't that at all.
-No, you told it quite well, really.
-Oh, yes, indeed.
Very good it was, man.
After the parade, I shall write it down and send it to RadIo Fun.
They'll pay half a crown for a joke like that.
Or five bob if it's a good one.
It's just that, at the moment, sir, we're not much in the mood for merrymaking and horseplay.
Oh, come, come.
That's not like an old soldier.
Tommy Atkins was always one for a laugh.
Even when he was up to his chin in mud.
You're right there, sir.
We did a lot of laughing in the mud in the last war.
We was doing it nearly all the time.
Except when we got shot.
But tonight is different, sir.
We've been wrestling with our consciences and Over an incident what occurred last night, sir, and my section and me, sir, we'd like to take you into a private place and reveal something, sir.
Well, surely it will be soon enough after the parade, won't it? You're quite right, Captain.
Quite right.
I tell you here and now, he's making a flagpole out of a matchstick.
And bringing you into it, well, it's only making things 1 0 times worse.
No, it's only fair, Mr Frazer.
I mean, after all, Captain Mainwaring's the one who'll be court-martialled.
What's that? Court-martialled? I think, Jones, your section had better come into the office.
-You'd better come too, Wilson.
-All right.
Frank, Frank, what on earth have you all been doing? Well, if I tell you, will you promise not to tell Mum? -Of course not.
No.
-Well Yes? No, I can't.
It's a secret.
Right, come along.
Settle down.
Now what's all this about? Well, sir.
It's like this, sir.
We It was very cold out on patrol last night, wasn't it, lads? -Oh, yes.
Freezing.
-Oh, yes.
I knew you wouldn't want us to get a chill, sir, so I took my lads into the Horse and Groom.
Made sure everyone got a tot of rum down them, sir.
I know you'd have done the same thing in my position, sir.
I very much doubt that, Jones.
You know my views on alcohol.
Yes, sir, well, we hadn't been out on patrol again for 1 0 minutes when Mr Cheeseman here, he started shivering.
Well, you know what it is when you got the nadgers, boy.
You shiver all over, isn't it? I knew you wouldn't want a guest of the platoon Anything to happen to them, sir.
Especially not a newspaper press correspondent and reporter, sir.
So I took him into the King's Head.
And it's just as well I did 'cause after he'd downed a couple, he was right as ninepence.
I only had one in there.
Well, when we come out, sir, out the King's Head, just passing the Goat and Compasses and the landlord, he come out and said he heard a bit of a rumbling down below.
So I sent a couple of men down with hand grenades and the rest of us stood by to give them covering fire.
Whereabouts? Two in the saloon, the rest of us in the snug.
-Well, you did quite right to tell me about this.
-Yes.
And providing you promise that it won't occur again, I shall overlook it this time.
Uh-uh.
The man's not finished.
You mean there's more? Yes, sir.
When we come out, sir, it got a bit embarrassing, sir.
If it's embarrassing, you don't want to hear about it, do you, sir? Yes, I certainly do want to hear about it.
Go on.
It was I, sir.
I'm afraid I became rather embarrassing.
You, Godfrey? I'm afraid so, sir.
I started to sing rather raucously.
It was a song about a monk.
Oh, well, as long as it was a religious song.
This one was not religious, no.
About a monk of high renown.
I see.
Go on.
I didn't realise that monks of high renown were all wicked like that, did you All right, Frank.
Stop it.
Just stop it.
Stop it.
Well, I knew you wouldn't want Mr Godfrey to, you know, make an exhibition of himself, sir.
So I took him inside to sober up, sir.
Inside the Red Lion that was.
Mind you, while he was sobering up, the rest of us had hardly anything to drink at all.
Hardly anything at all, sir.
Yes.
You see, it was after that that it got a bit more embarrassing, sir.
You're quite sure you want to hear about it, sir? Will you be quiet, Wilson? Well, see, a man come in and said there was something going on in a haystack, you see, sir, and I said, in jocular fashion, ''Well, there's lots of things go on in haystacks.
'' Aye, well, it's like that Bronwyn Jones, the fat Welsh girl, who used to wash the glasses on a Saturday night.
She spent half her life in that haystack.
They used to call her ''The Welcome in the Valley.
'' Cheeseman, keep quiet, for heaven's sake.
You see, well, all jocular thoughts went straight out of my head when I realised I was a soldier.
It was my duty to go out and investigate, sir.
Well, I'm glad somebody came to their senses at last.
Yes, and then I sobered up quick as a flash.
Not that I was drunk, mind.
But the thought of encountering a huge, storming, parachuting German paratrooper, sir, possibly disguised as a nun That set a whole cold shiver down my spine, sir.
But I rallied my men, sir.
We went out in the murky night.
And we fixed bayonets, sir.
I wasn't at all frightened.
No, I think that gin and cider and whisky must give you courage, don't you, Mr Frazer? Wheesht, wheesht.
Just Anyway, sir, we were just going near the haystack when something flutters up.
You know, I was very alert by now, sir, and my reflections was very good.
-All of a sudden, I raised my rifle and I shot it.
-What? You don't mean you You don't mean you shot Bronwyn Jones? No, no, it was a great, big enormous turkey.
It's plucked and in my fridge.
I can hardly believe my ears.
That my platoon should go out on a drunken rampage like this from pub to pub.
Like these comic stories that chap on the wireless tells.
Who, Robb Wilton? (MIMICKING ROBB WILTON) ''The day war broke out'' -Pike! Be quiet! -WILSON: Frank! Frank! You should all be on a charge.
And you're getting far too cheeky, boy.
I'll speak to your mother about you.
That's not fair.
I'm being victimised because of my youth.
Why don't you have a word with Mr Jones' mother? You leave my mother out of this.
My mother's gone to another place.
-I'm sorry, Mr Jones.
-Angmering.
-How many people know about this? -Not many.
She wasn't a woman that I'm not talking about your mother! I'm talking about this drunken rampage.
Nobody knows but us, sir.
So I say, we should eat the turkey and hold our tongues.
Oh, no.
Not at all.
There's only one place that bird could have come from and that's the North Barrington Turkey Farm.
Now you're all going to apologise to Mr Boggis, and you're going to have to pay for that bird.
I say.
I say, excuse me.
-Is Mr Boggis about? -It's Wednesday.
-What did he say? -He says it's Wednesday.
-We'll have to humour him, I suppose.
-Yes.
I wonder if it's possible to speak to your master.
I just told you.
It's Wednesday.
The man's obviously a fool.
-Well, it's Wednesday.
-Don't you start.
-It's market day.
-Has he gone to market? That's right.
It's Wednesday.
This is getting us nowhere.
Have you lost a turkey? Hard to say, isn't it? My men have accidentally killed one.
We think it must have come from here.
We'd like to pay you for it.
Will you give this money to Mr Boggis when he returns, and ask him to accept our sincere apologies? Oh, no.
Mr Boggis wouldn't want me to take no money.
It might not be his turkey.
Well, there's nobody else in the district keeps them.
It must be one of yours.
That wouldn't be good enough for Mr Boggis.
Not unless he knew one of ours was missing.
-Well, how many should there be? -Two hundred and ten.
One, two, three, four -One, two, three -Jones, that's no good.
It'll take years.
We could count 30 each.
That's a good idea, Pike.
Now listen, everybody.
We're all going to count 30 turkeys each.
Right? It'll not work at all.
Wilson, Wilson.
Well, get on with it.
You are part of this platoon, you know.
Well, how do we know we're not counting the same turkeys? Took you a long time to spot that one, didn't it? Captain Mainwaring, why don't we put a dab of paint on each turkey as we count? Mr Boggis wouldn't like that.
He don't like people painting his turkeys.
My sister Dolly has a lot of hoopla rings we use at the church fete.
If we put one on each one of the turkeys, we'd know which ones have been counted.
That's a very good idea, Godfrey.
-Shall I nip and fetch them? -Yes, run along.
Now, men, you have each got 42 rings.
On the command ''move'', I want you to place a ring over a turkey's head.
If there's a ring over at the end, it means that one turkey is missing.
Right.
Off you go.
Give us a ring.
I say, don't do that.
Mr Mainwaring, all their heads are not up, so we can't put the rings on.
I suppose we'll have to wait till the turkeys finish lunch.
Well, all the rings were used up -so it didn't come from there.
-Yes.
-Point is, what are we going to do next? -Well, sir, it's Jonesy shot it.
I mean, I suppose it rightfully belongs to him.
No, no, he was on duty.
He was wearing one of my uniforms, carrying one of my rifles.
And he fired one of my bullets.
I see, but does that mean you're bagging it, sir? No, it doesn't mean I'm bagging it.
-Not all of it anyway.
-In that case, I bags it.
I'm afraid you can't do that.
You see, I bags it first.
But you said you didn't want it.
Anyway, you didn't use the word bags, you see, so it doesn't count.
Now don't start any of that public school cheating with me.
-I bags first, that's all.
-But I said (KNOCKING ON DOOR) -There's no doubt about it at all.
-Come in.
-Yes, what is it? -Captain Mainwaring, sir.
My section and me, sir, we've been having a heart-to-heart think and we are very askance at what we done, sir, and we come to the conclusion that with our ill-gotten gains, we are going to give a nice turkey dinner to the old-age pensioners.
Hear that, Wilson? -Trust our chaps to come up trumps in the end.
-Yes, I I think on the face of it, it seems to me to be a very good idea.
-A capital idea.
-Yes.
Be a night to remember.
But it must be organised properly.
Now, Wilson, I want you to set up a turkey dinner general purposes committee.
All right, sir.
And I bags chairman.
Now, in order to speed our deliberations, I've made a short list of the elements that have to come together to make a successful turkey dinner.
Cor, trust him to make it long-winded.
Now, first of all we have the turkey which Corporal Jones's section has provided.
I heard about that.
What did you do? Fix bayonets and charge? Don't you start, Mr Hodges.
Don't you start.
He's a troublemaker, he is, sir.
I don't understand why he has to be here at all.
Mr Hodges had booked the hall for this evening.
It's only because he released it that you could have this meeting at all.
I think we ought to propose a vote of thanks to Mr Hodges, don't you, Your Reverence? No, I don't, and please sit down otherwise we shall be here all night.
Now, when times were different, of course, turkey dinners would also include bacon, sausages, vegetables, roast potatoes, bread sauce, and last but not least, gravy.
Did you save the giblets? It makes lovely gravy, giblets does, with a pinch of salt.
-Yes, I think we saved the giblets.
-Course I saved the giblets.
Well, let's all give a vote of thanks to Mr Jones for saving the giblets.
-Don't you start, don't you start.
-All right, all right.
-Uncle Arthur.
-What? What's giblets? Really, it's the inside of the turkey, isn't it? It's the liver, the kidneys and all that, you know, and the what-do-you-call-it, the gizzard, all that sort of thing.
I don't want gravy made out of that.
Don't be so silly, Frank.
You've had it dozens of times.
Well, I wouldn't have if I'd known.
My sister Dolly won't boil the giblets.
She says the smell makes the Pekingese too excited.
You know, that's very funny, now, because my cat is like that about kippers.
You know, it makes him jump around and run about and Can we get on? Yes, I quite agree, don't let's get tied up with giblets at this stage of the affair.
We ought now to select someone, a volunteer preferably to cook the turkey.
My mum could cook it.
Mum can cook anything, can't she, Uncle Arthur? -Well, answer the boy.
-Yes, of course, of course she can, Frank.
Of course she can.
Well, Mrs Fox is the finest cook what I've ever come across.
Haven't I always said you were the finest cook, Mrs Fox? Well, you've always been very nice about my dumplings.
Perhaps we should put it to the vote.
All those in favour of Mrs Pike's cooking the turkey? One, two, three, four Mrs Fox.
Well, a tie.
In that case, I shall give the casting vote to Mrs Fox.
Well, that's nice, isn't it? -You didn't even put your hand up, Arthur.
-Now look, Mavis, you see I didn't want you to have to go through all that trouble, you see.
That's nice, isn't it? Nice way to thank you, isn't it? She give you her egg for breakfast this morning.
Mavis Wilson, Wilson, will you please address your remarks through the chair? Right.
Through the chair I did not know it was Mrs Pike's egg.
Can we get on? I hope she won't make it dry.
My pensioners don't like it dry.
Turkey can be very dry.
I second that.
Oh, be quiet, Mr Yeatman.
When we was in the Sudan, we cooked an ostrich once, but that wasn't dry, 'cause we boiled it in General Kitchener's bath.
In the morning, when he come to do his ablutions, he sent for his bath man.
He said, ''Come in, my man.
''What is this ring of dirt doing round my bath? ''That isn't a ring of dirt, sir, that is ostrich fat.
'' And he gave him seven days field confinement for impertinence.
But he told the truth, didn't he? Doesn't always do to tell the truth, you know All right, all right, thank you.
Thank you very much.
What do we do next? Sir, stuff it.
Something to say, Frazer? Stuff it, sir.
Stuff it, sir.
You'll need to stuff it with parsley and thyme or maybe chestnuts.
Very well, then.
Thyme and parsley it is.
Perhaps you'd like to undertake that task, Mrs Pike? -Of course.
-Right, that's decided, then.
My wife makes very tasty parsley-and-thyme stuffing.
Yes, thank you, Mr Yeatman.
We just decided that Mrs Pike is going to do the stuffing.
It's not what you know, it's who you know.
Bread sauce, you must have bread sauce, boy.
It makes turkey go down a fair treat, it does.
Yes, indeed.
Yes, especially if it's dry.
-But it's not going to be dry.
-Yes, Mrs Fox makes beautiful bread sauce.
There shouldn't be too much onion in the bread sauce.
Onion isn't good for old people.
Make them excited, do it? Like the Pekingese? Don't you start being rude to Mr Godfrey.
He's a very wise man.
Here, and another thing, Napoleon.
Is Corporal Jones serving the turkey as a home guard or eating it as a pensioner? That's it.
I've had enough.
(ALL SHOUTING) -Yes, yes, yes, all right, sir.
All right, sir.
-Sit, sit.
It's no Sit.
Sit.
Now with the exception of Mr Bluett, we shall all be serving of course.
I shall supervise, but I'm afraid I shall have to leave a little early on that night because I am guest speaker at the Rotary dinner.
-So that's why you sent your tickets back.
-Quiet, Frank.
However, we can't do anything about serving the bird, of course, before it's cooked, so we mustn't leap ahead too fast.
Too fast? Cor blimey, you'll only be halfway through talking before it's time to bung the bird in the oven.
-Can we turn our attention to the gravy? -Oh, my wife makes good gravy.
Oh, damn, aye.
Everything else is burnt to a cinder.
But the gravy, you've never tasted anything like it.
-Life has its compensations, that's what I say.
-Oh, Lord.
-Can we get on? -We are getting on, Wilson.
Right, we'll put Mrs Cheeseman down, then, to make the gravy.
-Righto, boy.
-Right.
Now that brings me to the vegetables.
Vegetables pose rather a bigger problem, if I may say so.
Not only on account of their availability, but because of the sheer bulk of material involved.
There'll always be an England WhIle there's a country That's it.
There you are, love.
Oh, thank you, Mr Frazer.
Now, then.
You're putting too many on, you know.
It won't go round.
Well, according to my calculations, we've only got four more to serve, sir.
Don't splash, I don't want any on my tails.
So sorry, sir, but the way you've got yourself covered up, I don't think there's much chance of that.
There we are, boy, there we are.
There's too much onion in it in spite of my warning.
Aye, and the gravy's too thick.
Reminds me of when I was a wee laddie on the wild and lonely Isle of Barra.
My mother made gravy.
It was thin and weak.
And my father used to belt us regular as clockwork every night.
But it made men of us.
Come on, hurry up, the first ones'll be finished before the last ones are served.
-Are you eating? -What if I am? This is for the old people, not for you.
Well, it's only a bit of old skin.
-Mr Mainwaring, sir, it's Mr Bluett, sir.
-What's the matter with it? He wonders if you can put it through the mincer.
We haven't got a mincer here.
-Cut it up for him.
-Right.
Very good, sir.
Mr Mainwaring, some of them are asking what's happened to the parson's nose.
Now, look here, Pike.
I can't be bothered with details like that.
I've got 32 dinners to serve.
Only asked.
Incidentally, it is missing, but I thought I'd turn a blind eye to it.
Captain Mainwaring, this whole affair is not well organised at all.
They all started to eat as soon as their plates arrived.
Well, of course.
Otherwise it would go cold.
But it's not right.
Before I even started to say, ''For what we are about to receive,'' half of them had received it.
I'm not having that.
He's got all white meat.
I haven't got any.
Oh, well, we'll soon put that to rights.
There you are.
There's a bit of white meat I can't eat that.
It's been on his plate.
Mr Jones, Mr Jones.
Mrs Garstang says have you got anything else 'cause she doesn't eat turkey.
Well, if she doesn't like turkey, she shouldn't come to a turkey dinner, should she? No.
Well, there we are, that's the last one.
Good.
My goodness me, sir, you really do look awfully smart.
-Well, after all, I am the guest speaker.
-Yes.
Just because there's a war on, we can't let our standards drop, can we? No.
Do you do you think I should go and say a few words of welcome before I go? Well, sir, I really think you ought to let them digest their turkey first.
Oh, no.
That would make me late for the Rotary dinner.
I'll go see them.
How you getting on, Hodges? All right? -Hello, Mrs Slater, enjoying yourself? -Oh, thank you, Mr Mainwaring.
Salt.
Salt.
Gravy's got no salt in it.
Hey, can I have some salt, please, waiter? Mr Mainwaring, Mr McCully says are there any seconds? You stupid boy.
Look what you've done.
I'm not stupid.
Whoever put the gravy on the side of the plate's stupid, not me.
This is the only shirt I've got.
Excuse me, sir, there's some blotting paper in the office.
I'll go and get that.
That will take it off.
I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring, if I got gravy all over your dicky.
It is not a dicky, Pike.
There you are, sir.
Now you Just you try this, sir.
-Careful, Wilson.
-There you are, sir, there you are.
It's much better.
Much, much better, you see? You can hardly notice it.
Oh, look, you got a little mark on your dicky, Mr Mainwaring.
It is not a dicky, he said so.
Well, never mind.
I know, we'll put a little bit of white enamel paint on that.
And that won't notice and it will stop it from obtruding, won't it? -More gravy wanted for the top table.
-All right, won't be a minute.
-Now, do it very carefully.
-There we are.
There we are.
There.
That's right.
There.
See, there, that doesn't show now, does it? Oh, really, Jones.
Anyone got any black paint? No.
This is ridiculous.
I can't get on my feet as the guest speaker -with paint all over my tails.
-I've got some at home, sir.
Well, they wouldn't fit, Uncle Arthur.
Not somebody as round as Mr Mainwaring.
I think I have the answer, sir.
Why don't you pretend you hurt your arm and make a sling out of your scarf? Good idea, son.
That'll cover up the mark a treat.
Yes, go on, you give it a try, Mr Mainwaring.
That'll make you look very, very brave during your speech.
Jones is right, you know, sir.
I mean, if you wince, you know, every now and again you'll get twice the applause at the end.
That's right, sir, there you are.
Nobody will ever know.
-Yes, and you look very brave, Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes, well, I'm really very cross.
However, just like our boys to show resourcefulness in an emergency.
Help me on with my coat.
Good luck, sir.
-Thank you.
-And don't you worry.
You look fine.
-Good luck, Mr Mainwaring.
-Thank you.
Where's my hat? And I'm not a stupid boy, am I? No, no.
No, I'm very sorry about that, Pike.
Here, you bringing that gravy or aren't you? You stupid boy.