Inside No. 9 (2014) s07e06 Episode Script
Wise Owl
It's my sister's birthday today.
I'm six!
She got a new kite.
I promised Mummy
I would watch her while
we played with it outside.
It's my turn now.
No, it's my present
and I want to fly it.
Don't cry.
I can see it up there. Look.
It's very high.
That's all right. I can climb up.
Twit-you. Twit-you!
Hello, Wise Owl.
Hello, Wise Owl.
Twit-you.
Only a fool would climb up there.
Didn't you see the warning sign?
Pylons kill.
Stay away from them.
I won't touch the wires.
That doesn't matter.
The electricity will be conducted
through the kite's metal rods.
But what about my present?
Let's see if our friend
the wind can help.
Thanks, Wise Owl!
Thanks, Wise Owl.
Don't be a twit-you.
Leave electricity alone.
Twit-you. Twit-you!
Oh, hello. Is that Mr. Oliver?
It's Derek Blenkin here.
I live on Deerfold.
You did my neighbour's
bobtail last year.
Dr. Pepper.
Sorry, have I got the right house?
You do do taxidermy?
Right. Well, what it is,
we've just come back
off our holidays
and we'd left our cleaner
to feed our daughter's pet rabbit,
Ferrari.
That's the rabbit, not me daughter.
Anyway,
she wanted to give it a treat,
and to cut a long story sideways,
she's accidentally fed it
a bag of chocolate buttons
and now it's dead.
Are you there?
I'm not supposed to
talk to strangers.
Well, um
we've had it in
the fridge overnight.
My daughter doesn't know yet.
She's only five.
And I was wondering if you
could preserve him for us?
Ferrari.
She won't know the difference.
I'll just tell her
it's always tired.
My neighbour said you'd
do us a good price.
I don't need it all dressed up
and doing ballet like
a Beatrix Potter.
It'll just be in the corner
of the hutch covered in straw.
You'll barely see it.
It's justwe're not ready
for the whole death
conversation yet.
We've got all that to
come with my mother.
Oh, thanks very much.
As I say, any discount
gratefully received. And
It needn't even have
legs if that's cheaper.
OK.
Nice to meet you too.
One day on our holidays
the weather was so nice
we came to the beach.
I want to go in the sea.
Mummy took my sister paddling
and I started to make a sandcastle.
I was happy playing,
when a man came to talk to me.
He said I looked nice and shiny,
and did I want to see a starfish?
I thought that sounded fun.
Twit-you. Twit-you!
You don't know who this man is.
He may seem friendly
but his intentions might not be.
What did your mummy tell
you about strangers?
That I shouldn't talk to them?
Exactly.
Don't be a twit-you.
Always stay safe with
your mummy and daddy.
Wise Owl knows best.
Mummy
Mummy!
Mummy!
It's my sister's birthday today.
I'm six!
She got a doll,
a tea set and a kite.
Now we're waiting
for Mummy to get home
so we can light the
candles on her cake.
I want to do it now.
I know where they keep the matches.
Look!
Hi, Mum.
Ronnie?
I'm getting ready for bed.
It's only quarter past eight.
I'm calling you between Corries.
Are you all right?
Yeah.
I came round earlier.
You weren't in.
I've been busy.
I had to stuff a Ferrari.
A what?
It's someone's pet.
We had a cat, do you remember?
when you and Joanne were little.
Mimsy.
We got rid of it in the end.
It made you wheeze.
And it had this way of
looking at you all superior,
like you were just
muck on its shoe.
Cats don't wear shoes.
Well, you know what I mean.
Anyway I'm just checking
that you're still coming on Monday.
You haven't been in
over three years.
You know what Dr. Dinetto said.
He doesn't know me.
He doesn't know anything.
I can look after myself.
I know you can.
I'd just like you to be there,
that's all. For me.
Puss in Boots, he wore shoes, so
Will Dad be there?
I'm not sure.
I asked him,
but he might not show up.
You know what he's like.
I don't suppose
you've heard from him?
We all deal with things
in our own way, don't we?
Promise me you'll come.
OK.
And you won'tdo
anything silly before then?
Promise?
Promise.
All right, then,
I'll call you tomorrow, sweetheart.
Bye.
I love
It was her birthday.
Why did you do it, Ronnie? Why?!
You knew it was wrong!
You mustn't say anything.
What do you want?
Wise Owl knows best.
This is my sister's cat, Mimsy.
One day he got poorly and died.
I told her not to worry and
that he was in cat heaven now.
Don't want to let him go
I wish we could keep him for ever.
But that's impossible.
Twit-you! Twit-you!
Wise Owl!
What are you doing here?
Have you children never
heard of taxidermy?
Taxi-what?
Dermy.
It's a way of keeping
your favourite pets
around for ever.
Let me show you.
You will needA scalpel,
some galvanised wire,
a scraper and tanning chemicals.
Always read the label.
First,
you need to peel the skin off.
Make incisions around
the legs and tummy.
Then pull the animal's pelt
slowly from its carcass.
Then you remove the
eyes with the scalpel.
I can do this for you.
You can dispose of the
body in an incinerator.
Next, use the chemicals to
tan the skin for 24 hours.
This is a good time to play
a game or have a sandwich.
Next, make a body shape from foam,
using wire to keep it in place.
Then, pull the tanned hide
back onto the model.
Like putting a
sausage into its skin!
Exactly.
Select glass eyes
to match your pet's
and gently force them
into the sockets.
Scrunch and pull it into position
and use a needle and thread to
stitch everything back together
and, hey presto!
Easy when you know how.
Thanks, Wise Owl.
He's as good as new!
Yeah, we've had a change of heart
and I'd like to get Ferrari back,
please,
just as he was.
You haven't touched him, have you?
Is the real Mr. Oliver in?
I were chatting to my neighbour
and she said he's a
gentleman in his 70s,
so that's not you, is it?
So who are you, then?
What are you even doing here?
You'd better not have
done anything to him.
Who?
Ferrari!
Now, can I have him back, please,
or am I going to have
to call the police?
Thank you.
Oh, dear God!
What the hell do you call this?
It's disgusting!
What am I going to tell
my daughter now, eh?
She'll have bloody
nightmares if she sees this!
Bloody Franken-rabbit!
You want reporting!
You're sick!
It should have been you, Ronnie.
Ronnie
Hi, Dad.
Here.
You gave me quite a shock.
You'll have to give me the
money for that window, you know.
Cheers.
You shouldn't drink so much.
It's only a nip.
I've just come back from Pickering.
They had a '70s weekend
at the toy museum.
A few of the old buggers
like me wheeled out.
Ray Brooks.
Nigel from Pipkins.
One of the Bungles -
not the scary one.
We had a laugh.
I don't suppose you've followed
my career over the
last 20-odd years?
Did they have a telly in
where you were,
or were you not allowed?
I didn't do much
after Wise Owl finished.
Couple of theatre tours.
Nice two-hander with Jeff Holland.
Everything was a
bit tainted after
well, you know.
They were thinking of bringing
him back three or four years ago.
Computer animation.
It would have been crap.
Anyway, it all fizzled out, so
I do this now.
You'd be surprised how many people
want to preserve
something of the past,
keep a memory alive.
Freeze-frame of a happy moment.
The biggest thing
I've done is a goat.
I spent nearly a month on that.
A little old lady brought him in.
She called him Pan.
Probably a witch.
Funnily enough,
I've never done an owl.
I don't think I'd want to.
So, are you going to tell
me what you're doing here?
Did your mum put you up to it?
You know what day Monday is,
don't you?
Monday?
Oh. That.
She'd have been 50.
Really?
Time flies.
Did you get my letters?
Yes, I had a few.
I couldn't read half of them.
Your handwriting's shocking.
Did you never
Did you never want
to come and see me?
Your mother said not to.
Said it would only make it worse.
It's all water under
the bridge now anyway.
Come here.
You mustn't feel guilty,
you know, Ronnie.
It was just an accident.
I don't blame you,
if that's what
you're worried about.
It was my sister's birthday.
I'm six!
She got a doll,
a tea set and a kite.
Now we're waiting for
Mummy to come home
so we can light the
candles on her cake.
I want to do it now.
I know where they keep the matches.
Look!
You shouldn't play with matches,
Joanne.
Isn't that right, Wise Owl?
Wise Owl?
What?!
Joanne wants to light her candles
but I told her it's dangerous.
Twit-you!
What does it say on the box?
Can't you read?
"Safety matches."
Exactly!
They're safe.
If she wants to light her candles,
let her light them.
It's her birthday.
Thanks, Wise Owl.
Are you sure we
shouldn't wait for Mummy?
"Are you sure we
shouldn't wait for Mummy?"
Why do you have to ask
permission for everything?
Grow some balls, Ronnie,
for fuck's sake!
He said "balls".
But
Wise Owl's always right, remember?
Now, come onlet's leave
Joanne to make her wish.
You're coming upstairs with me.
I'd rather stay here.
Wise Owl knows best.
Now, what?
In there.
Sit down.
Ronnie
Sitdown!
Why did you let me take the blame?
Oh, let's not dredge up the past.
You said you were on your
way home from the pub
when you saw the house on fire.
You said you climbed in through
a window and you rescued me.
You were the hero.
But that's not true, is it?
You were in here.
With me.
I think you're
remembering it wrong, son.
I don't think so.
I had a career to protect.
I was the voice of the
public information films
and my daughter gets
burned alive in a fire.
Not very on brand, is it?
What was I supposed to do?
I trusted you.
I always dideverythingWise
Owl said.
That was just a game, Ronnie.
It wasn't doing any harm.
You enjoyed it.
I loved you,
and Joanne.
Nowcome on,
come and join me.
Don't be a twit-you.
Give your old man a hug.
Don't hurt me, please!
Do you want to be put
back in that place?
Stop this now and I
won't say anything.
No.
But I will.
Ronnie!
Ronnie! What did you mean?
Where are you going?
To see Mum.
I'm going to tell her.
T-Tell her
Tell her what exactly?
Everything.
No, no, no. Stop the night here.
Let's just talk some more.
You can't go.
Ronnie! You mustn't say anything.
Wise Owl won't let you.
And we must always do
what Wise Owl says
mustn't we?
Not any more.
Ronnie, stop!
Twit-you! Twit-you!
Twit-you! Twit-you!
Get stuffed.
I'm six!
She got a new kite.
I promised Mummy
I would watch her while
we played with it outside.
It's my turn now.
No, it's my present
and I want to fly it.
Don't cry.
I can see it up there. Look.
It's very high.
That's all right. I can climb up.
Twit-you. Twit-you!
Hello, Wise Owl.
Hello, Wise Owl.
Twit-you.
Only a fool would climb up there.
Didn't you see the warning sign?
Pylons kill.
Stay away from them.
I won't touch the wires.
That doesn't matter.
The electricity will be conducted
through the kite's metal rods.
But what about my present?
Let's see if our friend
the wind can help.
Thanks, Wise Owl!
Thanks, Wise Owl.
Don't be a twit-you.
Leave electricity alone.
Twit-you. Twit-you!
Oh, hello. Is that Mr. Oliver?
It's Derek Blenkin here.
I live on Deerfold.
You did my neighbour's
bobtail last year.
Dr. Pepper.
Sorry, have I got the right house?
You do do taxidermy?
Right. Well, what it is,
we've just come back
off our holidays
and we'd left our cleaner
to feed our daughter's pet rabbit,
Ferrari.
That's the rabbit, not me daughter.
Anyway,
she wanted to give it a treat,
and to cut a long story sideways,
she's accidentally fed it
a bag of chocolate buttons
and now it's dead.
Are you there?
I'm not supposed to
talk to strangers.
Well, um
we've had it in
the fridge overnight.
My daughter doesn't know yet.
She's only five.
And I was wondering if you
could preserve him for us?
Ferrari.
She won't know the difference.
I'll just tell her
it's always tired.
My neighbour said you'd
do us a good price.
I don't need it all dressed up
and doing ballet like
a Beatrix Potter.
It'll just be in the corner
of the hutch covered in straw.
You'll barely see it.
It's justwe're not ready
for the whole death
conversation yet.
We've got all that to
come with my mother.
Oh, thanks very much.
As I say, any discount
gratefully received. And
It needn't even have
legs if that's cheaper.
OK.
Nice to meet you too.
One day on our holidays
the weather was so nice
we came to the beach.
I want to go in the sea.
Mummy took my sister paddling
and I started to make a sandcastle.
I was happy playing,
when a man came to talk to me.
He said I looked nice and shiny,
and did I want to see a starfish?
I thought that sounded fun.
Twit-you. Twit-you!
You don't know who this man is.
He may seem friendly
but his intentions might not be.
What did your mummy tell
you about strangers?
That I shouldn't talk to them?
Exactly.
Don't be a twit-you.
Always stay safe with
your mummy and daddy.
Wise Owl knows best.
Mummy
Mummy!
Mummy!
It's my sister's birthday today.
I'm six!
She got a doll,
a tea set and a kite.
Now we're waiting
for Mummy to get home
so we can light the
candles on her cake.
I want to do it now.
I know where they keep the matches.
Look!
Hi, Mum.
Ronnie?
I'm getting ready for bed.
It's only quarter past eight.
I'm calling you between Corries.
Are you all right?
Yeah.
I came round earlier.
You weren't in.
I've been busy.
I had to stuff a Ferrari.
A what?
It's someone's pet.
We had a cat, do you remember?
when you and Joanne were little.
Mimsy.
We got rid of it in the end.
It made you wheeze.
And it had this way of
looking at you all superior,
like you were just
muck on its shoe.
Cats don't wear shoes.
Well, you know what I mean.
Anyway I'm just checking
that you're still coming on Monday.
You haven't been in
over three years.
You know what Dr. Dinetto said.
He doesn't know me.
He doesn't know anything.
I can look after myself.
I know you can.
I'd just like you to be there,
that's all. For me.
Puss in Boots, he wore shoes, so
Will Dad be there?
I'm not sure.
I asked him,
but he might not show up.
You know what he's like.
I don't suppose
you've heard from him?
We all deal with things
in our own way, don't we?
Promise me you'll come.
OK.
And you won'tdo
anything silly before then?
Promise?
Promise.
All right, then,
I'll call you tomorrow, sweetheart.
Bye.
I love
It was her birthday.
Why did you do it, Ronnie? Why?!
You knew it was wrong!
You mustn't say anything.
What do you want?
Wise Owl knows best.
This is my sister's cat, Mimsy.
One day he got poorly and died.
I told her not to worry and
that he was in cat heaven now.
Don't want to let him go
I wish we could keep him for ever.
But that's impossible.
Twit-you! Twit-you!
Wise Owl!
What are you doing here?
Have you children never
heard of taxidermy?
Taxi-what?
Dermy.
It's a way of keeping
your favourite pets
around for ever.
Let me show you.
You will needA scalpel,
some galvanised wire,
a scraper and tanning chemicals.
Always read the label.
First,
you need to peel the skin off.
Make incisions around
the legs and tummy.
Then pull the animal's pelt
slowly from its carcass.
Then you remove the
eyes with the scalpel.
I can do this for you.
You can dispose of the
body in an incinerator.
Next, use the chemicals to
tan the skin for 24 hours.
This is a good time to play
a game or have a sandwich.
Next, make a body shape from foam,
using wire to keep it in place.
Then, pull the tanned hide
back onto the model.
Like putting a
sausage into its skin!
Exactly.
Select glass eyes
to match your pet's
and gently force them
into the sockets.
Scrunch and pull it into position
and use a needle and thread to
stitch everything back together
and, hey presto!
Easy when you know how.
Thanks, Wise Owl.
He's as good as new!
Yeah, we've had a change of heart
and I'd like to get Ferrari back,
please,
just as he was.
You haven't touched him, have you?
Is the real Mr. Oliver in?
I were chatting to my neighbour
and she said he's a
gentleman in his 70s,
so that's not you, is it?
So who are you, then?
What are you even doing here?
You'd better not have
done anything to him.
Who?
Ferrari!
Now, can I have him back, please,
or am I going to have
to call the police?
Thank you.
Oh, dear God!
What the hell do you call this?
It's disgusting!
What am I going to tell
my daughter now, eh?
She'll have bloody
nightmares if she sees this!
Bloody Franken-rabbit!
You want reporting!
You're sick!
It should have been you, Ronnie.
Ronnie
Hi, Dad.
Here.
You gave me quite a shock.
You'll have to give me the
money for that window, you know.
Cheers.
You shouldn't drink so much.
It's only a nip.
I've just come back from Pickering.
They had a '70s weekend
at the toy museum.
A few of the old buggers
like me wheeled out.
Ray Brooks.
Nigel from Pipkins.
One of the Bungles -
not the scary one.
We had a laugh.
I don't suppose you've followed
my career over the
last 20-odd years?
Did they have a telly in
where you were,
or were you not allowed?
I didn't do much
after Wise Owl finished.
Couple of theatre tours.
Nice two-hander with Jeff Holland.
Everything was a
bit tainted after
well, you know.
They were thinking of bringing
him back three or four years ago.
Computer animation.
It would have been crap.
Anyway, it all fizzled out, so
I do this now.
You'd be surprised how many people
want to preserve
something of the past,
keep a memory alive.
Freeze-frame of a happy moment.
The biggest thing
I've done is a goat.
I spent nearly a month on that.
A little old lady brought him in.
She called him Pan.
Probably a witch.
Funnily enough,
I've never done an owl.
I don't think I'd want to.
So, are you going to tell
me what you're doing here?
Did your mum put you up to it?
You know what day Monday is,
don't you?
Monday?
Oh. That.
She'd have been 50.
Really?
Time flies.
Did you get my letters?
Yes, I had a few.
I couldn't read half of them.
Your handwriting's shocking.
Did you never
Did you never want
to come and see me?
Your mother said not to.
Said it would only make it worse.
It's all water under
the bridge now anyway.
Come here.
You mustn't feel guilty,
you know, Ronnie.
It was just an accident.
I don't blame you,
if that's what
you're worried about.
It was my sister's birthday.
I'm six!
She got a doll,
a tea set and a kite.
Now we're waiting for
Mummy to come home
so we can light the
candles on her cake.
I want to do it now.
I know where they keep the matches.
Look!
You shouldn't play with matches,
Joanne.
Isn't that right, Wise Owl?
Wise Owl?
What?!
Joanne wants to light her candles
but I told her it's dangerous.
Twit-you!
What does it say on the box?
Can't you read?
"Safety matches."
Exactly!
They're safe.
If she wants to light her candles,
let her light them.
It's her birthday.
Thanks, Wise Owl.
Are you sure we
shouldn't wait for Mummy?
"Are you sure we
shouldn't wait for Mummy?"
Why do you have to ask
permission for everything?
Grow some balls, Ronnie,
for fuck's sake!
He said "balls".
But
Wise Owl's always right, remember?
Now, come onlet's leave
Joanne to make her wish.
You're coming upstairs with me.
I'd rather stay here.
Wise Owl knows best.
Now, what?
In there.
Sit down.
Ronnie
Sitdown!
Why did you let me take the blame?
Oh, let's not dredge up the past.
You said you were on your
way home from the pub
when you saw the house on fire.
You said you climbed in through
a window and you rescued me.
You were the hero.
But that's not true, is it?
You were in here.
With me.
I think you're
remembering it wrong, son.
I don't think so.
I had a career to protect.
I was the voice of the
public information films
and my daughter gets
burned alive in a fire.
Not very on brand, is it?
What was I supposed to do?
I trusted you.
I always dideverythingWise
Owl said.
That was just a game, Ronnie.
It wasn't doing any harm.
You enjoyed it.
I loved you,
and Joanne.
Nowcome on,
come and join me.
Don't be a twit-you.
Give your old man a hug.
Don't hurt me, please!
Do you want to be put
back in that place?
Stop this now and I
won't say anything.
No.
But I will.
Ronnie!
Ronnie! What did you mean?
Where are you going?
To see Mum.
I'm going to tell her.
T-Tell her
Tell her what exactly?
Everything.
No, no, no. Stop the night here.
Let's just talk some more.
You can't go.
Ronnie! You mustn't say anything.
Wise Owl won't let you.
And we must always do
what Wise Owl says
mustn't we?
Not any more.
Ronnie, stop!
Twit-you! Twit-you!
Twit-you! Twit-you!
Get stuffed.