M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e06 Episode Script

[Big Band Over P.
A.
.]
[Man Singing In Korean And English.]
[Ends.]
Hey, Major, I just vacuumed there! Give me that! Major, please.
It's up to us to keep Korea beautiful.
- Beautiful.
- [Man On p.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
Ambulance andjeeps approaching compound.
Everyone is instructed to do their stuff.
That is all.
Pierce, Houlihan, you take the bus.
- B.
J.
And I'll take the jeeps.
- What about me? You pass out the coffee and doughnuts.
- Only bus I've ever seen that's always on schedule.
- Not an empty seat.
- All right, more light in here! - Okay, hubba hubba.
- We got all we can handle here.
- Jerry, you again? - Yeah.
- You were here 12 hours ago.
- You sure get around.
- Yeah, I sure do.
I handle all the vacation spots.
These here are guests of Hill 403.
- Don't you ever sleep? - Sleep? What's that? You close your eyes, put your head on your chest, and have nightmares about the war.
- When you're a medic, you don't have to close your eyes.
- Let's get this guy outside.
You know, when I first got to Korea, I could carry one of these all by myself.
Could we get some light out here please? - Where do you want the piano, lady? - Anywhere.
Just don't mark up the floor.
Superficial.
He can wait.
[Charles.]
Hunnicutt, I have a chest and a femoral here.
Hawk, can you do me a little favor? Jerry, after all those training films, how could you let that happen? - Oh, no.
- Wait a second.
Beej? - Yeah? - How many chest wounds you got? Two so far.
- How bad is he? - Take a look.
- What's the favor? - I'd like to watch you guys work in O.
R.
I never get beyond the waiting room.
Request denied, Sergeant.
We're here to operate, not to demonstrate.
Charles, as chief surgeon and your superior in everything but rank - I hereby deny your denial.
- I second that.
- All those in favor of me say "aye.
" - [All.]
Aye! - Motion carried, Charles.
Democracy in action.
- Dictatorial anarchists.
Don't worry about him.
He's just mad because you're getting in for free.
- What is it? - Number one.
[Hawkeye.]
Clamp it there.
Next on our tour, the human heart.
Most people think it's a large red thing that holds five pounds of chocolates.
Not so.
This little dynamo pumps up to six liters of blood a minute and has the durability of a tank.
The only thing guaranteed to break it is a cute blonde in very tight shorts.
This takes longer than I thought.
You know, there's a lot of guys waitin' to get in here.
Since when did we hire a shop foreman? - Clamp.
- Clamp.
Don't worry, Nielson.
We'll have 'em all in and out before closing time.
Sorry, sir.
I just get a little anxious.
We all do.
We wear the masks to cover it.
Major, I specifically asked for a Satinsky clamp.
On the contrary.
Your request was ambiguous.
You asked for a clamp.
And if you can't ask nicely, don't ask at all.
Oh! How much longer will I have to put up with all of you? A child your age is hard to place in a foster home.
- [Chuckles.]
- What are you doing there? Suturing an artery.
It's sort of like reupholstering your '38 Chevy.
Boy, that's incredible.
You know, I always wanted to be a doctor.
What happened? Well, when I graduated high school, I had to support my family.
Well, who knows? Maybe when you get back home.
Oh, this borders on the precious.
All right, time's up, and our panel is stumped.
Charles, what is bothering you? Yeah, Major.
Why the case of colic? And be specific.
Well, I should blame this on Colonel Potter, but I want to spread it around to all of you.
- What'd I do this time? - I received a letter from Massachusetts General Hospital.
- The one in Massachusetts? - [Margaret Giggles.]
Notice how well I ignore.
Because I have been assigned to this place with no foreseeable escape my name has been withdrawn from contention for chief of thoracic surgery.
- Clamp! - Clamp.
And after all he spent on campaign hats.
Major, I know this isn't gonna take, but I'm sorry.
- Spare me your sympathy.
- I called it.
Another opening like this might not occur for years.
I don't know.
I understand the North Koreans are looking for a good rubdown man.
You're a skilled surgeon, Charles.
You can always work door-to-door.
Rest assured that I will despise each and every one of you if I live to be a hundred.
Well, you know what they say, Charles: "Time wounds all heels.
" [Obnoxious Laughter.]
[Laughter Continues.]
Oh, wow! The Thompson twins in the buff.
- They don't look very much alike.
- Of course not.
They're brother and sister.
They are? Oh, yeah.
- [BJ.
.]
Feeling better, Charles? - Well, if I was seeing you two has brought me right back to miserable.
- Well, that's where you live.
- I'm warning you, Pierce.
- What about me? - You too, Hunnicutt.
I'm warning both of you.
I will no longer allow you to take advantage of my misfortunes.
In other words, leave me alone or you'll both be wearing my footprint on your butts! - Think he means it? - Gee, I hope not.
My steel underwear's in the wash.
Mass General wanted me because I am a brilliant and an inspired surgeon.
Dad didn't have to donate that building.
[Scoffs.]
Look, Winchester we know how much that job meant to you.
Silence, Pierce! Just silence! I've had enough! This is the end of any further conversation between us.
- What about me? - You too, Hunnicutt.
In fact, it goes for this entire wretched camp.
I will no longer speak to anyone here ever again! Period! You're not serious? Question mark.
Yeah, don't build up our hopes, Charles, unless you really mean it.
These are my final words: Leave me alone.
- Ahh.
- We can't pass that up.
You know what this means, don't you? We're gonna have to make you talk.
Th These are absolutely my final words: Never, never, never.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! Attention, gourmands.
It's now recall time.
Think back, a way back to Tuesday.
Remember those luscious pork chops? Well, here they are again.
Forty-eight hours old and still clinging to the bone.
Good afternoon, Major.
Somewhere in those three words, I must have said something terrible.
Say, isn't that Charles Winchester, the noted hermit? - Sounds like him.
- Hey, Major, what do you say? I got a lot of hungry people here to poison.
- Is he ordering in Morse code? - The major's decided he doesn't like us anymore, Klinger.
He's broken off undiplomatic relations.
He won't talk to us.
He won't read to us.
He won't even sing to us.
Isn't that right, Charles? Okay, okay.
You don't have to use that tone with me.
You know, if I had half that guy's neuroses, I'd be outta here.
It takes years of breeding, Klinger.
Uh, no.
Shall we, uh, join old gabby? Yeah.
Let's, uh, joust with the silent knight.
- Uh, where we gonna eat? - Gee, I don't know.
- Maybe we could, uh, squeeze in here.
- Oh, it's a little crowded.
I guess we'll have to split up.
You don't mind, do you, Charles? Thanks.
Pleasant chap.
Salt of the earth.
Oh, would you pass it, please? - Of course.
- Thank you.
- Uh, would you, uh - No, no, thank you.
- You sure? - Oh, well, thanks.
Oh, would it bother anyone if I were to comb out my mustache before I ate? Well, it's all right with me, but you know how it bothers Charles.
Charles? Thanks.
I will.
Comb, comb, comb, comb, comb, comb, comb, comb, comb, comb.
Nothing.
We should be telling him to shut up by now.
- It's time to call out the verbal cavalry.
- Right.
Charles, your mother wears very expensive combat boots.
- How was that? - No, no, no.
More vicious.
I got one.
Charles, your father buys his suits off the rack.
That was below the belt.
Charles, your parents voted for Roosevelt - four times.
- Beautiful.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Where are you going? - We're not finished yet.
- At least he could have said good-bye.
The nerve of that guy not giving in.
- This is gonna be harder than we thought.
- Don't worry.
- You haven't heard the last from him.
- I haven't heard anything.
DA-66-Bs.
Form DA-362-1 A.
DA-362-1 Oh, yeah.
Ah, the first snowfall of the season.
- A million forms, and no two alike.
- Be with you guys in a second.
- I'm sort of sorting.
- Looks like military solitaire.
- Radar, we gotta send a telegram.
- From you two to who to? - A certain Major Charles Emerson Winchester.
- Isn't he here? Uh, we want it to look like Massachusetts General Hospital is sending the wire.
- Oh, I get it.
A scam.
- Just call it a little white scam.
What do you guys wanna I mean, what's the hospital gonna say to him? Uh, "Hospital administration appalled by decision of committee.
We would be honored to place your name among the candidates.
" "Your-Your patriotism and bravery - more than make up for your absence.
" - Good touch.
Oh, I don't know.
I don't like the unauthorizedness of this.
- Radar, we've gotta get him to talk.
- It's a point of honor.
What's the point? He's easier to talk to when he says nothing.
Radar, I just got October's issue of Nudes Illustrated.
They cover the opening of the women's basketball season.
- I'll get right on it.
- This'll pry open his voice box.
- Uh-oh.
- What? I'm sorry, sirs.
This'll have to wait.
Choppers incoming.
Why aren't they ever outgoing? Looks like S.
R.
O.
In O.
R.
We'll have to schedule an extra matinee.
I see you're back, fella.
Hey, what is this? It looks like this guy put the bandage on himself.
- What's going on here? This is pretty sloppy first aid.
- Jerry, what happened here? What do you mean? They're wounded.
- You all right? - Put some pressure on this wound.
Are you hurt? Listen, can you tell me something? - Is this me? - Are you kidding? - You're SergeantJerry Nielson.
You're a medic.
- This is MASH 4077.
This doesn't look familiar? Oy.
Hey, what's holding up this train? We gotta scrub.
Let's move it! - In a minute, Colonel.
We got a problem here.
- What's that? - It's Nielson, the medic.
He doesn't know who he is.
- Does he have a head injury? - I don't see anything.
- All right.
Let's get him inside and take some X-rays.
I'll have Radar call Sidney Freedman.
If he's lucky, he'll forget the whole damn war.
- Does the room look smaller to you? - Maybe we've just outgrown it.
I saw this movie.
It Happened One Night.
Clark Gable was over there, and Claudette Colbert was right over here.
Sorry, Claudette.
You know, I don't think I like the idea of being subdivided in my own home.
Well, look at it this way, Beej.
It gives us a place to hide our dirty underwear.
- There we go.
- You'll have to stop buying that boomerang brand.
- Here's Sidney.
- Ah, good.
Professional help is on the way, Charles.
- Sidney, what kept you? - My jeep had a nervous breakdown.
- Notice anything different? - Yes.
Hunnicutt's got a mustache.
- Nothing gets past him.
- No, thanks.
What's the logical explanation for this? Albert Schweitzer has cut himself off from the world.
Oddly enough at his request, not the world's.
- Hello, Major.
- Oh, he's serious, Sidney.
He won't even talk to himself.
Interesting.
And you called me about somebody else? Another person hiding behind a blanket.
An amnesia case.
It's really something, Sidney.
This bright, dedicated kid holding out his dog tags trying to figure out who he is.
No sign of physical injury.
Just can't remember a thing.
- Could be the billfold syndrome.
- Oh, sure.
- The billfold syndrome.
- A man looks at his I.
D.
Or his billfold and he can't place himself.
- Can you help him? - I'll do what I can.
Uh, sirs, I have a telegram for Major Winchester.
- Uh, next apartment.
- Oh, hello, Major Dr.
Freedman.
The V.
I.
P.
Tent will be ready as soon as I move my animals out.
Sounds very comfy.
- I wouldn't wait for a tip.
- All I want is the magazine.
Later.
- Looks like good news, Charles.
What is it? - Yeah, share it with us.
[BJ.
.]
Come on.
We wanna know.
Yes? Now if you can pad the rest of these walls, I think you got it.
- Well, how you doing? - He's doing just fine.
Don't you worry, son.
We're gonna pull you through this.
- I'll be all right.
- Of course you will.
- I'll be in my office.
- Jerry, there's someone here to see you.
I wish it was Rita Hayworth or Rita Hayworth with a mustache, but it's just this guy.
Dr.
Freedman.
- How are you? - I'm okay.
I'm a psychiatrist.
I just want to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind.
Can we start with your name? Well, according to them, I'm Jerry - Nielson.
- Thank you.
Do you have any idea where you are? - [Whispering.]
Hospital.
- Margaret! My mouth is shut.
Do you know where this hospital is? Wait a minute.
They told me.
No.
Do you remember anything that happened before you arrived here? - Nothing at all.
- Jerry, can you tell me what year this is? All right.
Why don't you take it easy for a while.
- I wish I could help you.
- We'll talk later.
I'll be right back.
You got a verdict, Sidney? Well, my guess is something terrible happened to him out in the field and he decided to deal with it by not dealing with it.
- What can we do? - I'd like to hypnotize him.
Hopefully dig up whatever he so desperately wants to forget.
- You do it up here? - Right under the big top.
However, I'll need a couple of volunteers from the audience.
- Take me, Houdini.
- Me, me! Okay, Hawkeye and the little guy with the hairy lip.
Margaret, I'd like you to go in and try to keep him calm.
- Sure.
- I guess all I get to do is wish you luck.
- We could use some of that too.
- So what do we do? Either of you ever act in the school play? Oh, yeah.
In college, I played Hamlet.
- No kidding? - I was pre-med.
I was the only one who could get his hands on a skull.
What I'm going to do is try to have Nielson relive his trauma under hypnosis bring him back to the exact time and place where he lost his memory.
- How do we fit in? - Tell you over a beer.
You're going to help me recreate that time and place.
You'll be everything from the voices of his buddies to the sounds of the battle.
- Uh, wait a minute.
- The sounds of the battle? - You gotta be kidding.
- I've done a few of these before.
- I've seen it work.
- I lied to you about Hamlet.
[Old Folk Song.]
Oh, boy, he's just killing the happy hour.
Ah, they're playing my dirge.
Sell it, Pops.
I mean, Father.
I've been doing this song for 20 minutes.
I can't find the ending.
- Bartender, three beers for the Three Muscatels.
- Comin' up.
By the way, Doc, I keep hearing the same melody over and over in my head.
Think I got anything? - Tired ears.
- Three beers! And one for the loudmouth at the end of the bar.
- It's on me.
- You got it.
You know, it's sad.
I mean a guy loses one little job, and he turns his back on everybody.
[Hawkeye.]
What makes him think they'd have taken him in the first place? Yeah, now, if there was a janitor's job open - he might have stood a chance if he had a friend.
- If he had a friend.
Is that what you think, Beej? Is that what all you cretins think? - Did you hear something that sounded like Charles? - The mummy speaks.
Indeed, and I am going to rise from this hideous tomb and leave all you relics behind.
- Going somewhere, Charles? - You bet your beer-soaked brains I am.
Read this and weep.
This is from the Massachusetts General Hospital.
Massachusetts General Hospital.
You are looking at the next chief of thoracic surgery.
Gentlemen, eat my dust.
Well, we got him to talk.
That's nothing.
I can make him yell.
Charles, uh, I wouldn't pack my bags just yet.
- No? - No.
See, Beej and I sort of, uh well, know about your news.
- You read my telegram? - Read your Oh, heavens, no.
- We wouldn't read your telegram.
- We wrote it.
- You-You wrote that? - Uh-oh.
Well, I admit it wasn't the nicest thing we've ever done but you have to realize you challenged us.
- There was no other way to get you to talk.
- We don't like to lose.
Especially to you.
This is the most despicable, in You wrote that? - Mm-hmm.
- Insidious Uh, underhanded.
Underhanded, rotten - Wait.
No, wait.
- Charles.
- Slimy scheme that you two vermin - Slimy? - Have ever perpetrated! - Maybe vermin, but not slimy.
- I loathe you! - Charles, no I loathe you! Welcome back, Charles.
We missed you.
[Freedman.]
All your thoughts are on the pen.
Only the pen.
You're sleepy.
You're in a very relaxed state.
Deeper and deeper.
Isn't it relaxing? Now I want you to hold your left arm straight out.
Okay, you're still concentrating.
You're very relaxed.
He's ready.
- To make a left turn? - You can put your arm down.
All right, you know what to do, so just follow the leader.
If I were operating in Carnegie Hall, I wouldn't be this nervous.
Jerry, open your eyes.
You're in Korea.
Most of the time, you're with the 5th Regimental Combat Team.
Where was your unit last night? Hill 403.
The Chinese threw a battalion at us.
There was confusion.
Shells dropping all around.
[Imitating Bombs Dropping.]
Your buddies are falling.
You've gotta get to them.
- Corpsman! Corpsman! - Stay down! I'll get to ya! Just stay down! - Thompson, help me here, will ya? - What do you need? My bandages and morphine.
I left 'em in the bunker.
Don't worry, buddy.
You're gonna be all right.
Incoming round! Look out! [Imitating Bomb Dropping.]
- Thompson! - What is it? - Where's Stevie? - Stevie? My kid brother.
He's in your platoon.
Have you seen him? - Sidney, his brother.
- Just answer "no.
" - No, I haven't seen him.
- Oh, God! Stevie! I gotta find Stevie! Where is he? I gotta find him.
I gotta find him.
Lieutenant, have you seen my brother? - I don't know what to say.
- Go with it.
Anything.
Damn it, Lieutenant, answer me! Is he dead? I don't know, Nielson.
I haven't seen him.
I gotta find him.
Please, help me find him.
We're looking, Jerry, but we can't find him.
We have to! I promised Mom I'd look out for him.
She's counting on me.
I'm the oldest.
She said it's my job.
- Not that too.
- It'll kill her.
Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Jerry, we've looked.
We've looked everywhere.
What happened to Stevie? Oh, Stevie.
Stevie, no.
Please, no.
Tell me, Jerry.
I found him.
He never got out of the bunker.
He never made it.
I'm sorry, Mom.
I'm sorry.
[Sobbing.]
Jerry, I'm going to bring you out now but I want you to listen to me first.
We need your help.
We need you to retain your memory.
You're SergeantJerry Nielson, and you're from Hartford, Connecticut.
It's okay to remember.
We're going to talk a lot about this.
We're going to help you, and you're going to help yourself.
[Sobbing Continues.]
All right, on the count of three you'll wake up.
One, two, three.
[Snaps Fingers.]
It's okay, Jerry.
It's okay.
Let it out.
Let it out.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
- A toast to you and Jerry.
- You know, we made a pretty good team in there.
Let's hope that was our farewell performance.
All here, gentlemen? Good.
Good.
- Telegram for you.
- Telegram? [All Chuckling.]
- Shall I, uh, open it? - I'd check it for wires first.
"Gentlemen, heads up.
" [Jeep Engine Starting.]
[All Clamoring.]