Portlandia (2011) s07e06 Episode Script

1 Aches and pains, allergies and sprains The human body is on the verge of saying, "Enough.
" We're running a fast-paced, modern-life software on outdated caveman hardware.
Is it any wonder that we crash? But there's hope.
Knowing how to use the human body the way it was designed - will set you free.
- [squeaking.]
Humans weren't meant to eat processed food, nor were they meant to eat three meals a day.
- Sorry.
- Humans were hunter-gatherers and ate a heavy protein diet once a week.
[yelling gibberish.]
- I'm good, thanks.
- Ahh! [yelling gibberish.]
[grunts.]
Today's greetings can spread disease.
[coughing.]
Caveman greetings avoided body-to-body contact, yielding a more sanitary interaction.
Argh! [shouting.]
Incorrect and ineffective - modern-day human massage.
- [buzzer.]
Massage the way humans were meant to be.
How sweet.
Modern medicine helps even the most problematic pregnancies succeed.
However, humans weren't always meant to survive childbirth.
[moaning.]
[operatic music.]
I'm really s I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
- [moans.]
- Nah, I'm I'm with someone.
- I'm so sorry.
- [grunts.]
That's I know.
[grunting, babbling.]
[Washed Out's "Feel It All Around" playing.]
[dreamy chillwave music.]
[cow mooing.]
- I'm excited for Mia.
- It's so pretty out here.
It's a perfect place to get married.
Turn right onto Orchard Road.
- What? - Well, turn right here - Let me look at the invitation.
- How Turn right onto Orchard Road.
We're at the spot where it says to turn right.
I know, I know.
Okay, it says right here, "If you're driving yourself, "do not put the address into your phone, 'cause it will take you to a random field.
" Well, that's exactly what happened then.
Except it's more of a farm.
Well, this just says, "Follow your heart.
" - Can I read it? - Here's a map.
Okay, here we go.
[stammering.]
Here.
"Pine Hill Gardens of the Old Orchard Village.
" I I'm just gonna try to commit that to memory.
[together.]
Pine Hill Gardens at the At the inn at the Old Orchard No, see, you already have it wrong.
- What? - It's Pine Hill Gardens of the Old Orchard Village.
It doesn't say "inn" at all.
- But - Why did I think it said inn? Because I think somewhere else it does say inn.
- "See you by the sea.
" - [foghorn blares.]
But we're also not by the sea.
Is that where we're supposed to be? No we're supposed to be at the inn at the Pine Hill Orchard Garden.
No, Pine Hill Gardens of the Old Orchard Village.
But this one says, "And Resort.
" So what's the difference? I don't want to be late.
- Look at that.
- Why would There's an arrow going that way and an arrow diagonally up that way.
They wrote the sign in white on white.
- Is this - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
If the light hits it correctly, I can read it.
- "This way" - "Way to the I Do's.
" - Aha.
- This is it.
Th this has to be it.
There's balloons, there's an arrow - This is like - a personal driveway? No, it's the Pine Hill Gardens of the Old Orchard Village and Resort, I guess.
So this is a resort, or is this a village? It's a vineyard.
- Oh, wait, here's someone.
- Ah, here we go.
- Excuse us.
- Hi.
Where's the ceremony? - I'm not sure.
- I'm trying to find it.
Yeah, so so are we.
Oh, your invitation's different than ours.
Whose wedding are you going to? - Josh and Andrew.
- Okay.
- We're going to Mia and Joel's.
- We're yeah.
We're going to a different wedding altogether.
What do you guys have on your map? So we've got We were on Old Farmington Road.
- So I've got a pond.
A gazebo? - We need to get to the gazebo.
I wonder if we should switch maps.
- Let's switch maps.
- No.
No, don't do that, please.
I just want to look at it for a second.
- This will confuse me.
- This is she has a better map.
But it'll take us to the wrong wedding.
But we are looking for a vineyard.
A good idea that we don't want don't look at that map.
Okay, so let's look for signs.
Pine Hill Gardens.
Did you say "the Inn at the Old Resort"? No.
I am just getting stressed we're gonna miss this, 'cause Mia I know she's not your friend I'm friends with Mia.
What I mean is, I know you guys aren't that close, but she is one of my oldest friends.
Well, here's some old orchards, and I'm sure this is a village.
Stop here.
Excuse us.
- Is this the Weiss wedding? - We didn't order an Uber.
Oh, we're not Uber.
We're dressed up for a wedding.
We're just gonna walk.
Thanks.
- Thanks.
- No.
We're It's not in the trees, so let's just go this way for part But it says "gravel road," and we're on a gravel road.
Where does it say gravel road? - No matter what - A gravel road - A gravel road - No matter what happens Wait, it's right there.
I'm always going to be by your side.
- I promise, I vow, that no - Hey.
This must be Old Orchard Village.
Mia, hi.
You look beautiful.
We miss the cocktails? [energetic drumbeat.]
- Morning, Jill.
- Morning.
- Hi, how's it going? - Hey, hi, Craig.
Oh, I drove by that waffle place today.
- Oh, yeah.
- It's just so hard.
It smells so good.
- So I'll see you at the meeting? - Yeah Actually, can I talk to you for a minute? - [ominous music.]
[echoing.]
- Can I talk to you for a minute? - Can I talk to you for a minute? - Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
- Want to get a drink sometime? - A drink? You should see the back of your shirt.
- [echoing.]
What does he want? - [laughing.]
[echoing.]
Can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah, I just wanted to let you know that I'm leaving the company in two years.
Okay, that's what the congratulations.
- Don't cry.
- Okay.
- Hey, Jill.
- Oh, hi.
- Big day yesterday.
- I thought that the 2:00 You know what? Can you step outside with me for a second? [ominous music.]
[echoing.]
Can you step outside with me for a second? [echoing.]
What did I do? [echoing.]
Step outside with me for a second? - Is that my pen? - Um - Where did you get that? - I [car alarm blaring.]
[echoing.]
Step outside with me for a second? [echoing.]
Did she see me? [echoing.]
Step outside with me for a second? I'm sorry.
- For what? - I don't know what.
I wanted to ask you, um, has anyone ever told you that you look like Sheryl Crow? [inhales.]
[laughs nervously.]
- Um - There you guys are.
Meeting's been moved up an hour.
Second floor conference room in 15 minutes.
- Great energy.
- Let's get back to work.
All right.
Let's have a good week.
Thank you.
Yep.
Ah, Jill, would you mind hanging back for just a moment, please? [ominous music.]
[echoing.]
Hanging back for just a moment? [echoing.]
Can I talk to you for a minute? [echoing.]
Jill [echoing.]
You look like Sheryl Crow.
No.
Just say it in front of everybody, 'cause I can't take it anymore, so just say whatever it is that you you have to say.
Well, I just wanted to say that I got the the hair plugs that you recommended.
And I just wanted to know what you thought of them.
[whispering.]
Well, I think they're great.
You're beautiful They're very realistic.
You're beautiful [car sounds.]
Thanks so much for coming, showing interest in the, uh, first-ever men's film festival.
That's right, celebrating the accomplishments of men - Men filmmakers.
- We're in a crisis, you guys.
I'm sure you know that.
If you look at any newspaper, blog, television show What do we hear about? Women in film.
We got to preserve films made by men.
- Mm-hmm.
- A lot of them are just on VHS tapes and we have to preserve it.
And it takes us to do it.
It takes people power and manpower - in a very literal sense.
- So we, uh, have taken your anonymous suggestions, and we're gonna go through and And pick out some films to show and some directors to showcase.
I see the name Brian De Palma.
[applause.]
Have you heard of Brian De Palma? - No.
- No.
I was born in 2003.
So you've probably only heard about female film directors.
- That's just - Kathryn Bigelow.
- Yeah, Kathryn Bigelow, yeah.
- You know, "Dad, uh, what do we have for breakfast?" "Oh, Kathryn Bigelow made a movie last night, so, you know, I went to go see that.
" "Oh, okay, uh, will you drop me off at school?" "Well, yeah, but tonight there's a Kathryn Bigelow movie.
" Brian De Palma was This guy worked overtime to make movies.
"Carrie.
" "The Untouchables.
" - Yeah.
- "Scarface.
" - Do you guys know these movies? - No, not so much.
Yeah, well, we're gonna educated you on them.
We will not let his voice be silenced.
- Okay, "Terminator 2.
" - [applause.]
This is a movie about a boy and his robot friend.
I think that the Arnold Schwarzenegger character is an unrealistic expectation for men, because what's wrong with a little bit of this? You know? Why does everything have to be so fit? I mean, that's not real.
All right, "Point Break.
" Who put that in here? Do you know who director "Point Break," buddy? - No.
- Kathryn Bigelow.
- Kathryn Bigelow.
- It's a good movie.
We're just saying that there's a lot So many female film directors, right? We're just here to celebrate a couple guys that are out there, all right? So think about that for a little while.
By the way, that popcorn you're eating? Invented by men.
It was a man's idea to put popcorn in movie theaters.
- Why? It's quiet to eat.
- [crunching.]
I don't think a woman would have invented that.
[energetic drumbeat.]
- Hey, Carrie.
- Hi.
- You're playing alone? - Where's Mia? You know, she got married, and she just can't - hang out as much.
- Oh.
Guess you need a new friend or something, huh? I guess so.
Yeah.
What about, like, one of your acquaintances? I don't know; the nice thing about an acquaintance is it's, like, a friend you don't have to text back.
Yeah, but maybe you could bump one of them up.
Yeah, I need to, like, draft someone.
Yeah.
I mean, not to use a sports analogy, but I'm pretty athletic.
[air horn blasts.]
[stammers.]
Like, how do I go about promoting an acquaintance? Welcome to the fourth annual acquaintance fair.
Turn that friend of a friend into a friend.
- Carrie! - Hey.
- Hey, how are you? - Good.
Nice to see you.
Oh, good to see you.
Hey, I'm gonna give this to you.
- I appreciate it.
- Yup.
- Thank you.
- Absolutely.
So it looks like you've had some friends for a couple years - you tend to keep - I have.
Do you have friends from high school? - That I recently lost one.
- I'm sorry.
Like a to a - Marriage.
- Me too.
We have more in common than I thought.
- Yeah.
- Are you still drinking? [hiccups.]
Do you enjoy tapping into the ol' devil's juice? Um, I enjoy a cocktail or a glass of wine.
- Same here.
Same here.
- Okay.
Love cocktails.
Love glasses of wine.
- Okay.
- Love 'em all together.
- Oh, really? Okay.
- One right after the next one.
- Sure, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
You might be a little bit more of a partier than me.
I don't know about that.
I just like drinking 'cause I'm bored.
- That's what it is.
[hiccups.]
- Yeah.
- Uh, that's cool, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Carrie.
- Hey.
Where do we know each other from? I don't know.
Um, you look kind of familiar.
- I am Kendall.
- Hey.
Yeah.
You know a lot of the music scene people, right? Yeah.
I'm really good friends with Janet.
Oh, okay.
She's never mentioned you.
- Corinne.
- Mm-hmm.
- Katie.
- Yeah, uh, great people.
- Best friends of mine.
- Oh.
So yeah, I'm a really good friend.
I know a lot of people.
You know, I've got friends in Bogota.
Great.
Um My parents have a place in Palm Springs.
I do a lot of, like, odd humor, like Okay.
Yeah, 'cause I know a lot of the comedians in town - and stuff, so - Okay.
Uh, I played in The Shins for a while.
Seems like you're a little bit of a friend collector, though.
I mean, I don't think of it that way.
It's more of, like, a friend provider.
Seems like you're kind of a professional - "plus one," a little bit.
- No, I'm actually having a A party this Friday.
Damian Lillard is coming over.
- Really? - Damian Lillard.
- Come by.
- Yeah, maybe.
Your address is on here? Yes, but everyone knows my house.
- Okay.
- Just come on by.
So all they serve is mashed potatoes.
That's it.
No gravies, no choices of different types of mashed potatoes Just the one thing.
But I'm in support of it, you know, 'cause - Hi.
- You showed up! - Yeah, hey.
- Uh, Damian, this is Carrie.
- Hey.
- This is Damian.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
Uh, I'll let you guys get acquainted.
- I'm gonna go make the rounds.
- Cool, cool.
- Great.
- [barks.]
[laughs.]
How do you know, uh, Kendall? He thinks we're friends, but we're We're not really friends.
He blows my phone up with texts, invites me to every party.
- It's out of control.
- I know.
I barely know him, but I had this friend get married.
So I feel like now I need a new friend.
So I kind of thought, "Well, maybe I'll meet someone here.
" That's funny that you say that, because I've been looking for a friend also.
- Really? - I have.
I don't want to be presumptuous or weird, but if we're both looking for friends, - uh, maybe we can be friends.
- Why not? [dark music.]
Oh.
- [chuckles.]
- That's great.
So you want to be friends? - I would love to be friends.
- I would love that.
- I think you're, uh - Us two.
- Yeah, just us.
- You saying France or friends? - Uh, friends.
- I've been to France once.
- Yeah, it's nice, right? - Yeah.
Uh, well, thank you for the party.
Um, I'm gonna take off.
Damian, super nice to meet you.
- And, uh, we will be in touch.
- Yeah, for sure.
All right, take it easy.
Bye, guys.
All right.
Don't spill anything, anybody.
Or actually, do.
Spill stuff, everybody.
Go ahead, spill.
[rock music.]
It's different than the single version.
Oh.
You want to see something I got? It's the B-52s box set.
It just came out.
It was $120.
That's not bad.
Let's check it out.
It's a good lid.
It's all heavy.
Look, a postcard: "greetings from Athens, Georgia.
" It's a good way to start off a box set, huh? This is the live version! This is a bootleg.
How did they get this? Oh, they've got the misprint on the label.
- [chuckling.]
- Man, it's "Cosmic Things.
" "Good Stuff.
" "Funplex.
" Oh, you can't even You can't get the record out.
Brilliant.
Oh, wow! There's a stencil, costume design ohhh, wow! Lance original lyrics.
Look at these glasses.
It's a fan club comb.
That's a good comb.
[somber music.]
I I might pass out.
This is their original demo tape.
[muffled music.]
I like the hiss.
[squeaking.]
[chortling.]
Oh, whoa! Whoa, this is rare.
This must be mini-discs.
I didn't even turn that on.
I'm gonna start crying, man.
Whoa.
[choral music.]
Whoa, it's a love shack.
- [door opens.]
- Surprise! Uh - Hey, hey, it's us.
- Hi.
The B52s.
Whoa, this comes with the band? I hope you like the packaging.
Yeah, it's a great box set.
- Well, thank you.
- Well, thanks.
Thanks for buying us, and thanks I hope you're gonna take care of us.
And we give you love back.
T tell your friends.
Are are you guys bobbleheads? We can bobble our heads, but we're not bobbleheads.
Well, can you act like bobbleheads? Yes.
[rattling.]
It's incredible.
[energetic drumbeat.]
Hi, twee-gans, I'm Quincy.
So I've been getting a lot of questions on my website, uh, about how I get this body.
Well, let me tell you.
I eat bananas.
Banana.
- Yeah.
- Banana! What I do is, I eat about 71 bananas a day.
- Beautiful.
- Show me your abs.
Look at those abs.
I am telling you, I didn't always look like this.
Muscle! Okay, okay, okay.
This is easy to make.
All you have to do is buy bananas and peel 'em.
Right? Everyone knows how to do that.
Beautiful.
Oh, wow.
[sighs.]
Hey, we're getting pizza.
You in? Oh, no, thanks.
I got my bananas.
Supposed to be good for your abs.
- Well, good for you.
- Thanks.
[suspenseful music.]
[stomach gurgling.]
Ugh.
- Ted? - Yeah? What's the longest you've ever gone without making a - Number two? - Yeah.
Uh, 10, 12 hours, maybe? [whispering.]
Why? I want to issue a retraction on the banana diet.
If anyone at all is following it, please stop immediately.
I just got out of the hospital.
Uh, I basically had a "potassium plug" in my colon.
The evacuation process was very loud, and, uh, I wish, in retrospect, that I had a more soundproof bathroom.
Well, I called because, uh You know, I'm just a very private person And just thought of all my co-workers, uh, being able to hear - Yeah.
- My - Farts.
- Yeah.
Or squirts.
- Or flappers.
- Flippers.
Flippers.
Yeah, how did you hear of Take A Shhh? Well, I've been on a banana diet, um, for about nine straight days now.
We have worked with a lot of people on this diet.
- Bananas? - Oh, yes.
- We just did a private plane.
- Wonderful.
The sound is gonna be very difficult to hold in, especially with the wooden door like this with slats.
- Yeah.
- That's the first thing we want to attack.
[humming.]
[clicking tongue.]
See, if I'm a sound wave, I'm just gonna go to that cubicle.
I don't care.
Just go wherever I like, and it hovers.
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da.
- Can you hear me? - Not now.
Not now.
Not now.
- Da-da-da-da-da - Wow.
[blasting trumpet.]
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- Who's paying for this? - Me.
Well, I That just seems unfair.
- Everybody? - [clears throat.]
Would you mind chipping in maybe $20, $50, - because Ms.
Pouts here - Platts? Platts here wants to be private and keep the sound coming out of this bathroom - I'm gonna step inside.
- Guys, everyone.
It's not fair for her to pay for the whole thing just 'cause she went on the banana diet.
[gurgling.]
This is it.
[low rumbling.]
[toilet flushing.]
[exhales.]
Yay, abs.
You're beautiful [upbeat music.]
Carrie Brownstein was born on January 11th.
Since birth, Carrie has had seven quality friendships, and she's ready for another.
Are you ready to be her next best friend? Hi, I'm Fred, um, Carrie's friend.
I've been practically her best friend for, wow, 15 years.
It's a lot of fun Very rewarding But at the same time, you know, it's not easy.
You got to be ready for it emotionally Even physically to an extent.
Be ready for some early breakfasts.
Really, uh, 7:00 a.
m.
, 8:00, which on paper does not seem like it's very early, but believe me, when 8:00 rolls around and she's like, "Let's meet for breakfast," uh, you want to be there.
There's a real serious trust circle.
Am I the nucleus of the circle? That's not the point.
Know what you're talking about if you say the word "nucleus.
" That's where the key is.
You get to travel.
That's one good thing.
You'll be going to, uh, San Francisco, Seattle, Sacramento, um, northern Los Angeles.
You can use me as a resource.
You know, pick my brain.
Pick out from my brain; pick into my brain.
I'm a really good brain-picking resource.
You're sort of volunteering for something that [taps glass.]
Hey.
Like the Red Cross.
Hope I got the right size.
Uh, do you think you want to go play ball? Think about it.
Do you have what it takes to be friends with Carrie? Sure, why not? [hip-hop music.]
I want to be your friend I want to be your best friend Oh All our heroes, just turning right into women, right in front of our eyes.
We are not represented.
- It happens on TV.
- What about "Murder He Wrote"? - Right? - Turn on "SVU," there's a lady right there, solving all the crimes.
She's got all the answers.
How about "The Golden Guys"? "Dr.
Quinn, Medicine Man"?